Insecure
By: Psychotic Tanuki
Chapter Two: Departure
He is beautiful. Somehow, just by looking at him, I always knew that he was special, that he was different. I don't know, maybe it was the hair. Nothing is as they appear to be and everything is as it should be. Through life, you walk the line of choice and my choice was to follow him to Kyoto; to follow my heart. I was not an adult yet, and caught up in the whirlwind of love I was not ready to let him go. I didn't want to let him go. So I followed Kenshin to Kyoto with my heart on my sleeve and my mind racked with doubt.
May 14th, 1878. I remember that day. I remember it with a pristine clarity and though the pain has dulled, it still stabs my heart with a sadistic smile. How can anyone ever forget a time when the person you care about the most leaves you behind? That feeling of pure, raw emotion that strikes a chord in your heart—the feeling of pure despair, darkness and that aching in your heart that comes from wishing you could hold him close and never let him go—to never leave his side. That ominously dark feeling of being alone where no one could hear your screams, your sobs, or your tears—the floor had been ripped out from beneath me. Now I realize, I had to follow him, I had to be weak because I was so tired of trying to be strong. I was so tired of walking that long dark road with no end in sight. I was tired of searching through the dark for a nonexistent light. I couldn't deal with it, I didn't want to deal with it—I didn't want to be alone anymore.
He saved me from that—that wonderful, wonderful man. I had been alone for so long that I had forgotten what the company of another person felt like. I liked his company—he was never demanding, sometimes a tad annoying but he never asked me to be anyone but me. It was like he had opened the window in a dark room—he had let the light in and it felt so good to be bathed in light. I was no longer wary of the darkness because his light would always shine down upon me, or so I had hoped. Then on that fateful day, my savior brought me back to that dark, lonely road and left me there.
Why, I wanted to scream, why have you tortured me so? Why, Kami-sama, have you let me bask in the light, only to once again plunge me into darkness? I couldn't understand the reasons as to why he had to go, or why I had to be left behind. Once again, I was left searching through the darkness for the light but this time, I didn't think I would ever find it again. Desperately, I tried to bring my savior back to me. I wanted to find the comfort he had brought to my soul once again. But as I watched him leave, without a single glance back and that finality in his heavy, sullen, steps I lost strength. The words he had uttered to me in the curtain of night still ring through my head,
"With Jineh, I became Battousai to save you, and your voice brought me back. But with Saitou, I became Battousai only for the sake of the fight. And so your voice couldn't even reach me. The difference is crucial."
I was very adamant on not following him, although every fiber of my being wanted to. I wanted nothing more than to just run off to Kyoto, but for days I just laid there. I remember staring at my ceiling, his goodbye resounding through my head. It had sounded so final—and my heart hurt. Rejection hurt. He had accepted my offer for a new life with open and ready hands—and with it my heart. In the end he had returned it to me—reluctant and careful. It didn't matter though, he had broken it anyway. He had chosen this godforsaken path over small happiness with us because it was his nature. He would not leave Japan in turmoil; he would take it upon his shoulders to save it. This was his atonement—this was his self inflicted punishment for his sins in the past.
From our first meeting, I suppose I was under the impression he had conquered his demons from his days as the Hitokiri. He gave no signs of discontent, no signs of unhappiness. However, within a few days of knowing him I realized this to be the exact opposite of the truth. He was still fighting them—for ten years he had constantly fought them. I should have been happy that I could give him a temporary reprieve—but that didn't make me happy at all! In the fight with Jineh, the darkness in his heart—the mask that was the Hitokiri Battousai—reappeared. After ten years of hibernation he appeared, but was conquered. Warily, we returned home—He could become the Battousai, but as long as his he was with us, he could control it. I was convinced of that, and I think he was too.
Then he came. Him and his Aku Soku Zan had come into my home, stabbed Sanosuke, and had the audacity to try and kill Kenshin by nailing him to the ceiling and another attempt by trying to snap his neck with his belt. No words would be able to describe how pissed I was at Saitou Hajime. During their battle, I desperately thought I could bring Kenshin back, to stop the madness that was driving him to fight.
However, I couldn't save him from the madness. I could save him from returning to the madness of the Hitokiri, I could save him from inclement weather, I could save him from harsh onlookers and evil gossip but I couldn't, and I still can't save him from himself. I couldn't accept it at first; I wanted to be the one who could soothe his heart, who could save him from the demons that plagued him. Although I had called to him, in the insanity, he couldn't hear my voice. I had never felt more inadequate, more useless in my life. He had helped soothe my soul with almost immediate success and I couldn't return the favor. Hours upon hours, I just lay there mulling over those two facts. One, he had left our happy makeshift family for a path that could unravel the intricate tapestry of atonement that he had built over ten years, and two, I couldn't save him from himself.
I had lost something, I didn't know what I had lost but whatever it was, I wanted it back. There was an empty feeling in my chest that wouldn't go away—whatever I had lost, I knew it used to reside there; it used to make me feel whole. I no longer felt like I could do anything useful. I was a talentless girl who thought she could change the world. In the end, I had changed nothing and my bitterness ran deep. Then, a saint appeared to me in fox's clothing.
I hadn't really liked Takani Megumi until then. Well, I had liked her before she started hanging herself off of Kenshin—but that was beside the point. At that moment, she was absolutely last person I wanted to see. She was haughty, excessively flirty, attacked behind cleverly worded words and yet was so blunt that it was bordering upon being unnecessarily rude. It most certainly didn't help, that whatever cracks she made on my account, were found to be hilariously funny to everyone else—Kenshin included. All of those biting comments on me being unladylike, a country girl, and too simple minded didn't help me. It was bad enough that I knew my faults and short comings as a lady; I didn't need her to point it out to the world.
I was infuriated when she showed her face in my room. I wanted nothing to do with her—hell I wanted nothing to do with anyone. So I decided that I would give her the cold shoulder, and for once—I wanted to come out on top. However, the first sentence out of her mouth had my hands writhing in fury as I wanted to watch her strangle to death.
"I'm disgusted, you're still here."
"What do you want?"
"Isn't it obvious? I came to laugh at the tanuki-girl that Ken-san rejected."
That hurt. That was unnecessary and sometimes I think she made that comment because Kenshin wasn't there. She must've been itching to say that, because she would've never said that if Kenshin was there. She wouldn't have the nerve to.
I was more than infuriated at her foul mouth, I was livid with righteous anger. I was so angry and enraged I couldn't think straight, and the words wouldn't form in my mouth. My teeth were clenched so tightly I thought they would crack. In that moment, I hated her, absolutely hated her. I wanted to kill her. I couldn't understand what I had done to invoke her spite, I had never insulted her so tactlessly, and I had never ever kicked her when she was down. In my anger, I grew careless as I couldn't even block her second attempt to slap me. It never hit, but I was furious with myself as well. Why did she always win in our spouts?
The tears wanted to spill over, they wanted to pour down my face but I fought to keep them from falling. I would NOT cry in front of her, I REFUSED to cry in front of that insufferable woman.
"Oh, so now you're going to cry? You really are weak."
She had crossed the damn line. She had knowingly come into my home, insulted me in front of my friends, and called me weak? WEAK? I was not a weak person. She came here telling me to take her 'special' medicine to Kenshin in Kyoto (She could bring it to him herself for all I cared), and was leaving calling me weak. Words that I had always imagined telling her, biting words that would deliberately hurt her wouldn't come out. My mind was restless, she was not leaving without a piece of my mind, and to my dismay my voice came out cracked.
". . . You don't understand, Megumi. How it felt for him to say goodbye to me, face to face . . . you don't understand at all!" You don't know what its like to have him crush your heart in front of your face! You don't know how much it hurts to feel so inadequate—you don't know how much I want to die right now! I wanted to scream all those things to her; I wanted to make her feel like the lowest shit on the planet.
"That's true. But we're even. You don't understand how it felt for him not to say goodbye to me at all. Before you start going to extremes, consider your own feelings once more."
Perhaps…those words calmed me down; she knew she was treading on thin ice. Had she continued, I was ready to kick her out of my dojo and inflict sever bodily damage. In laymen's terms, I wanted to beat the shit out of her. I had never before been so angry in my life and when her voice cracked as she left the dojo, it all dissipated. I wanted to apologize, but my pride refused to let me. I was still ashamed; never before had I even imagined beating someone up to make myself feel better. Megumi wanted to go to Kyoto, she wanted to see Kenshin and yet she came to the dojo to tell me to go instead. Yes, I wanted to see Kenshin, but how could I? How in the world could I go and face him again? How could I go to him knowing I was unable to save him from his inner demons? I would never be able to control him; I would never be able to eliminate the risk of the Battousai appearing the heat of battle. The derisory feeling in my gut grew until I felt nauseous and I wanted to vomit. However, in the end, Megumi had distracted my morbid thoughts and as I sat there, finally understanding those cruel words, I was truly speechless…and grateful.
I think that's when I realized something very important. The only person who can stop this feeling of inadequacy was me. Similarly, the only person who could ultimately save Kenshin was himself, not even Tomoe could save him. Both of us, we could only be there to help him realize that. All the more reason I shouldn't have gone to Kyoto. Yahiko would hear none of that; I couldn't say a single word in my defense.
"No shit and no buts. You're the only one Kenshin said goodbye to. Don't you get it? It was hardest for him to part with you! So listen up! No matter what anyone else says, you're the one who's got the best chance of making him come back! …Don't you want to see him?"
I don't know whether he knows it, but I've held those words close to my heart as well. They were crude, brash and hardly eloquent, but the emotion he put behind them will stay with me forever. I haven't heard a speech like that from him ever since and frankly it pisses me off. But anyway, even Yahiko, stupid, dense Yahiko, believed that Kenshin would be happier to see me than the rest of them—and in that moment I was convinced to go, to find out for myself where I stand with Kenshin. Of course, not that I would tell any of them that…
And so, the two of us and Megumi's jar of medicine went off to Kyoto where I would face ultimate judgment from the one who mattered the most—would he be angry, disappointed, mad? I needed to know, so I got on that boat and set off to find Himura Kenshin. For the first time, I thought of him in a different light—no longer a savior, he was just Kenshin. A different set of words rang through my head that day; they were a balm to the dulling ache in my heart.
"When I first met you . . . even though you knew I was Hitokiri Battousai, you kept me from leaving. You said 'I don't care about a person's past.' I was very happy."
I had made him happy, and that in return, made me ecstatic. I was no longer angry, only nervous. In front of Yahiko, I tried to keep a happy face; I don't think it worked particularly well. In the back of my mind was the nagging worry that he would send Yahiko and I back home and never look at us again.
When the moment of truth finally came at the doorstep of Hiko Seijuuro, I had barely knocked on the door when he opened it first. The water bucket had slipped from his fingers and it clattered on the floor. I tried to smile, but I couldn't. He did not smile. His beautiful face was white with shock, soon replaced with a look of betrayal. I could no longer see his eyes and he walked past me as if I was not there. My heart sank into my stomach and I felt so stupid. Yahiko was wrong; he didn't want to see me. He didn't want to see me at all and I felt my heart start to break again. I was ashamed, and I felt so incredibly stupid. He was angry because without thought, we came to Kyoto, despite his wishes. Now he had to worry for our safety as well as Sanosuke, who was still on his way to Kyoto. I felt incredibly foolish and embarrassed. How could I jeopardize Kenshin like this? But still… a part of me thought, I am glad to see him. I couldn't speak, and once again the feelings I wanted to tell Kenshin flew out of my grasp before I could pin them down with words. I believe Yahiko was quite frustrated with me right then, and I think Misao, (a delightful girl whom I could relate with in many areas), understood why I had remained silent.
Despite all the teasing from Hiko ("Aren't you going for a moonlight stroll with the girl?"), and Yahiko, ("So Kaoru could see Kenshin…") ahem—despite all their teasing, Misao's keen observation bothered me for days afterward. Without thinking, she jubilantly declared that I was going to bring Kenshin back to Tokyo and confess my love for him. Was that true? Did I really want to do that? Isn't that part of the reason I came to see Kenshin, to find out where I stand with him? Out loud, I feebly denied it. Both Yahiko's and Misao's (she'd just met me--!) confident declarations suggested I was in love with Kenshin. I was embarrassed me immensely, I felt like I wanted to crawl under a rock and never come back out. To Hiko Seijuuro, their answers to his questions (all of which revolved around me, Kenshin and how I had come all the way from Tokyo just to see Kenshin) pleased him immensely for reasons I can't understand and soon, he too was confident I was in love with him.
It was frustrating and for the umpteenth time that week I felt dense, embarrassed and exceedingly childish. It was so exasperating to feel the same emotions over and over again; to incessantly replay words in my head infuriated me. I was confused and troubled—everyone around me seemed to think that I was hopelessly, head over heels in love with Kenshin—except for me! I was Kenshin's friend—I cared about him, yes, but I didn't love him. There were so many reasons as to why love between us wouldn't work, and why I shouldn't even try. First of all, he's eleven years older than me; second of all he was a Rurouni—free to leave at any time to continue on his path of atonement. Third of all, why would he go for someone like me and fourth of all—I didn't want to be rejected again.
While I was pondering in my feelings toward Kenshin, his shishou smiled smugly with a gentle look in his eyes. Fondly, he had pointed to a handmade tea set with white plums decorating them and made the kind gesture of offering it to me. I had a feeling he liked me, and that gave me some relief. Still, Kenshin's unknown feelings toward me made me nervous. Was he angry with me? Did he feel betrayed? He certainly didn't seem as if he wanted to see me, he didn't seem happy at all. With my heart heavy, I wondered if he would ever forgive me.
By the time he had come back with two buckets of water, I had already decided. I needed to know what he felt towards me right at that moment. What he felt about me before that moment or after that moment was irrelevant. I needed to know right then and there. So as he walked out that small cabin door to learn the ougi, the words I desperately wanted to say stumbled out of my mouth and I held my breath waiting for his answer.
"I came to Kyoto, without even thinking about the danger…are you angry with me?"
"Half of me is. But for the other half, I'm somehow . . . relieved. You don't know where Shishio's men could be hiding, so be careful."
Kenshin didn't turn around, he didn't smile and I figured he was still a bit angry with me. Still, he didn't hate me and I was relieved. Although, this relief didn't last for very long as I was once again, confused. Since when did I fear him hating me? I had hit him numerous times before and never once did that pop into my head. In that regard, I had never worried about what he really thought of me. I think that's when I began suspecting that I had fallen in love with him. Not that I was completely happy with that revelation, and for the duration of my stay in Kyoto—I tried to convince myself otherwise. Needless to say…it didn't work.
The man worried me sick to no ends. For two weeks after fighting Shishio, he just lied down on a futon in the Aoiya, moaning and grunting in pain. For a month, he barely stayed conscious enough to eat food, sleep, excrete waste, and utter a few incoherent words in his sleep. Day in day out, all I did was sit by his side along with Megumi, who had come to Kyoto as soon as she heard. I think that's when I knew I was in love with him. I don't really know when I had fallen in love, but that's when I knew for sure that I was. You don't sit day and night by a man for a month if you don't love him. You don't spend sleepless nights worrying if all of the sudden, he's going to die in the middle of the night without your knowing, if you don't love him. You most definitely do not stay in his room twenty-four seven, (not including bathroom breaks, or shifts they forced you to take at the Aoiya), because you are jealous that you will not be the one he wakes up to if you're not in love with him.
So on the way back to Tokyo, I wanted to offer him another fresh start at a new life. I wanted to show him that I had grown in the time he was injured; I wanted him to see I wasn't a little girl anymore. I wanted to show with my actions that I loved him, because I could not say them in words. I wanted for all of us to start over again. I was not the only one to have grown from this experience, we all did. We were all different people from when we first met—we were all different people from when Kenshin uttered goodbye. I wanted to give us all a new beginning.
"Kenshin…Okaeri nasai…" I offered my hand to him, a nervous smile on my face and I was happy to see that he did not back away.
"…Tadaima..."
"Tadaima...Ne, Kaoru-dono…you seem to be taking a liking for brooding, though you seem happier today than yesterday that you do." So he's noticed. I smile happily and my heart feels lighter.
"Okaeri nasai Kenshin…"
I'm happy here, with Kenshin. He's my family and although I cannot always determine what he's thinking or save him from himself, just being near him is enough. I think we're happy here, right now. Things are peaceful and even though I am not ready to enter a relationship with Kenshin, I look forward to the day that I am.
"Kenshin, I'm going to walk over to the clinic. I need to talk to Megumi-san."
"Oro—Sessha will walk you over de gozaru."
I realize now, many months afterward that nothing, nothing would have made him stay—not even his new life which he had tried so hard to build; he had abandoned all of it for the sake of Japan. Deep down, I think I knew even if I had the courage to immediately follow him; I don't think I would have. I understood what he wanted to do, I understood what he needed to do and so, and I let him go to face his destiny. But, even if it took a sly kitsune and a brat to make me see, I wanted my destiny to be with him.
I will never regret following him to Kyoto.
AN: wahoo… :D
After people told me that I should continue I was extremely happy. Nyahaha! I always liked the scene where he says goodbye to her and the emotions I had Kaoru go through when Megumi was insulting her, were basically mine when I read that chapter in the manga. Later, after I went back and read it a second time I noticed subtle, indirect bits of advice aimed at Kaoru. Of course, they were done in a crude manner, but if Megumi had told Kaoru directly, Kaoru wouldn't have found out these things for themselves, and therefore their later happiness would've been less meaningful. All of Megumi's spouts with Kaoru (except ones dealing with Megumi's promiscuity with Kenshin…)
Yes, I may have my moments when I want to throttle Megumi, but I am most definitely pro-Megumi.
Oh and before I forget, the quotes were taken from translations of the manga from Maigo-chan's Ruroken translation site. I wondered if I put too many quotes in there…but some of them were too funny to leave out. I'm a level 2 student in Japanese…I have yet to learn all how to say all the cool things they do in Kenshin…*le sigh*
Nyahaha….this chapter came out a little more lighthearted than the last chapter did…oh well. Now to go off and work on my other fic which I've been ignoring the last two days to write this… *slinks away*
And to all those who reviewed, I was truly touched and honored by your reviews. They made me so much happier than I ever thought they would. Thank you so very very much.
Shiomei- Dear lord, where do I start? I'm happy to find that another person shares the same views that I do about the character's subtle personalities. One of the things that makes Rurouni Kenshin such a great series is that all of their characters could actually be real people in the world. I know that my friends and I are all spitting images of at least one of the characters—part of the reason we're all Kenshin freaks. Its also very flattering to know that I wrote down all that you think of Kaoru—there's actually a whole lot more I wanna write about her character like oh I dunno…what she thinks about Kenshin, and what she thinks about her parents…XD
I hope I can write a good K/K fic…demo…I get all flustered when I try writing any type of romance –I usually end up rolling on the floor, my face red from all my laughter at my pathetic attempts.
Rekka's Angel- Your review put a big fat smile on my face. The fact that you said you loved my fic had me going on a high for about four hours—and I am flattered you think I did a good job with it. Personally, that part at the end when she thanks Tomoe is one of my favorites in the last chapter.
Kira Yanami- I'm honored that you even took the time to read this fic. Generally, from most of my reviews, I'm glad I posted it too. My intentions as a fanfic writer have been to be able to express my thoughts of the characters an what they would do in certain situations, and hope that would touch people in return—or at least provide entertainment. To tell the truth, I've been itching to write about Kaoru, Tomoe and their relationship to Kenshin and his relationships to them. I'm so tired of people just taking one side and then bashing the other side. I'm not a Tomoe fan, but I really respect her character and the things she did for Kenshin.
Alexis- wahahahahahaha~ After you wrote that comment, I think I decided—YOSH I will continue.
Nobnody—was this a typo for nobody? Anyway—I'm so deeply flattered that you like this fic to the extent that you thought it was sweet and tear-worthy. I've always had trouble trying to make a fic sweet, and I didn't even try here…go figure. Ahhh tomatoes…I like tomato sauce…but not the actual fruit..hrmmm
Haruko- so glad you enjoyed this fic. As for Kaoru's resolve to let him leave, I tried addressing that in this chapter but it went spiraling off into other directions and ended up being her feelings about him leaving. @________@ orororororo….
Luna Angel-- ^^;; oro…thank you for not flaming me…and I really don't like K/K with other people (well besides Tomoe) because I really don't think they work all that well. K/E maybe…but he's too obsessed with Tomoe that it would be a strained relationship. Kenshin…well…he's just Kenshin.