Insecure

By: Psychotic Tanuki

Chapter Five: Self Worth

Today, Megumi announced she was leaving for Aizu. It would seem as if the happy tapestry of family was slowly beginning to unravel—something that Kenshin had already predicted but…I had not expected it so soon.

Then she had revealed the entire truth behind Kenshin's health. It weighed heavily on mind how we had all thought he was immortal. Sure he had been in more than his fair share of life threatening battles, but it had never occurred to me that practicing Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu could have such impressive repercussions. It had never occurred to me that his petite frame couldn't handle the strain of the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu.

Kenshin left earlier with an unguarded look of severity. He was thinking of doing something potentially dangerous, and he would never tell me. That hurt a bit, but he had his reasons. Sano and Megumi had left together to continue treatments on his right hand and Yahiko left to work at the Akabeko. Misao was still trying to make Aoshi laugh, while Aoshi tried to meditate.

This left me with nothing to do. Left alone with my thoughts, I forced myself into the mindless household chores. Upon completion of such tasks, I had decided to mend an old gi of Kenshin's. The red one he wore so often was worse for wear, and he had recently begun to wear a dark blue one. Still, I sought to repair the torn red gi. It held a great amount of sentimental value for me.

Megumi was leaving for Aizu in a week. This revelation brought about an unexpected conflict within my emotions. A part of me thought that I should be rejoicing, but an even bigger part of me was afraid. Megumi, like Kenshin, was calm and rational. She was a buffer for my tomboyish tendencies, and Sanosuke's brashness. More than that, she was my guidance.

Both of us were in love with Kenshin and I guess that should have made her my rival. For a while we were, but rivalry eventually dissipated into an awkward friendship beginning under that bridge in Kyoto. She had come to the conclusion that her love for Kenshin would always be unrequited and if she couldn't have him, she would rather make me into someone worthy of him. Or so she told me circuitously months later.

She still enjoyed teasing me, and I could not begrudge her that. She suffered silently with grace; her jibes at me, while sometimes psychologically damaging, were her only release of her bottled up hostility. Not at me, but more or less at herself. With time, I grew to enjoy our spats; it grew to be a joke between the two of us. We kept it up for the sake of appearances rather than an actual hatred of each other.

By the time Kenshin had retold his past, Megumi's quick mind knew me well enough to know my inner turmoil. I hadn't really realized it at the time, but she was the one who told me the words I needed to hear the most.

"You are no replacement for Tomoe-san."

Those words could easily be misinterpreted. If she had told me a month earlier, I would have blown up, but as it was, I had no reason to. Her face was not spiteful, nor was it impassive. Megumi was not a cruel person and her teasing was never meant to seriously hurt anyone. After Kyoto, I learned to respect Megumi's advice; maybe even more so than Kenshin's.

Of course, by uttering those words she hadn't intended to make the meaning very clear. Megumi guided by pushing you in the right direction. Those words were her way of pointing me down the right path, they were figuratively speaking, a signpost. Those words surprised me, and in actuality, I was relieved to hear them.

What those words really meant was that Kenshin cared for me as Kaoru. I was important to him because I had earned his respect as Kaoru. The names Kaoru and Tomoe were not synonymous in his mind; she made it clear that he respected both Tomoe and I as two different people. I was no replacement for Tomoe and Tomoe was no replacement for me.

More importantly, those words meant Kenshin didn't care for me because I reminded him of Tomoe. He cared because I was Kaoru, no more or less.

Kenshin would have never thought to reassure me of that; it was obviously clear to him and the other men that I was different from Tomoe. But a woman's mind does not work in the same way that a man's does, it doesn't see things the way a man's might.

I frowned. I would miss Megumi very very much. Shaking my head in disgust, I realized those words didn't nearly describe how much I would miss her company. But just as Kenshin said…they would all eventually walk their own paths. It was a little lonely but…

I would miss Misao as well, but not in the same way. Misao already lived in another city, and while I would miss her company I did not usually see Misao every day. Misao was not a walk's distance away and so parting with her was not nearly as hard. Not that I didn't like Misao as much as I did Megumi; on the contrary, I related with the younger girl much better than I did with Megumi. It's just that Megumi, who lived fifteen minutes away wasn't going to be there anymore.

"Ah!" Carefully, I sucked the blood that prickled forth from where my needle had stabbed my thumb.

"Silly girl; can't even sew properly." I looked up to see Megumi standing rather stiffly in the doorway, a hand tentatively propped up against the shoji. There was an awkward smile on her face and an amused glint in her eyes. I smiled back and motioned her to come inside, to which her face became visibly relieved.

The air was tense. We were friends yes, but if there was nothing to do, we were bickering and if we weren't bickering, there was a period of awkwardness before we could have a decent conversation. I would have preferred if that wasn't the case, but it was. Getting to a point where we were able to converse amicably with ease would time.

"What are you doing here so late?" I glanced at the clock; it was a half hour after midnight.

"Knocking some sense into you before I leave for Aizu; before you unintentionally shirk your duties as the most important person to Kenshin." I fidgeted uncomfortably under Megumi's stare.

"I know that I'm important to him. You don't have to worry about that," I furrowed my eyebrows with confusion. It was awfully late for Megumi to be telling me this. Awfully late, and rather unnecessary in my opinion.

"Do you? Do you really know to what extent?" I paused briefly. I remember Kenshin mentioning 'the most important person' during the battle with Enishi, but I hadn't really paused to think if he could have actually meant me.

"It doesn't really matter. I love him and he cares for me. For now it's enough." It was a miracle that I hadn't been sewing at that moment in time because Megumi grabbed my wrist abruptly, a fierce look in her eyes. Lips pursed and eyes glittering, she shook me harshly.

"It does matter! He loves you! DO something about it!" Annoyance bubbled up inside of me. Yes I loved him, maybe he loved me back, but even if he did-- what exactly was I supposed to do about it? Push myself into a relationship I was far from ready for? Push him into a relationship when he was most likely uncomfortable with the idea?

"And what exactly do you expect me to do? Marry him?"

"Yes!" I stared in shock at the utter seriousness on Megumi's face. I'd be the first to admit that I'd dreamed many dreams where I was Kenshin's wife and mother to his children…but…

I was not ready to be a wife, a lover, or a mother. Kenshin knew that, which was why neither of us tried to change the relationship of landlady and boarder. I knew he cared, but I didn't know if he wanted it in the way of intimate friends or lovers. He had never directly told me which way his emotions fell: the type of love you give to a kindred soul, or the type of love you give to your other half. The man was the master of sending mixed signals: one day leaning towards lover, another day leaning towards 'only friends'. Megumi's declaration on his behalf was an option I was reluctant to indulge myself in.

"B-but…" She grabbed both my shoulders, regaining the calm she was most admired for.

"Did you even ask what his living hell was? Did you even know what Enishi did to him?" I froze. Sanosuke, Yahiko and Misao had been uncomfortable when I had asked them, and Aoshi had just told me to ask Kenshin. If it had been a living hell, I didn't want Kenshin to relive it so I hadn't asked him. I hadn't asked Megumi because I'd figured she would give the same reaction as Sanosuke, Yahiko and Misao.

"No. I didn't want him to relive it, and everyone else didn't want to talk about it." Megumi sighed, but I didn't miss the flash of hurt in her eyes. Hurt that I hadn't bothered to ask her. I felt guilt tug at my heartstrings. An apology on the tip of my tongue, I was surprised to find Megumi fisting her hands in her kimono.

"He made us believe you were dead. We saw your dead body pinned to the dojo wall." Megumi shut her eyes and the seed of dread planted itself in my stomach. Yahiko had told me how Gein had created mannequins out of dead body parts; but I hadn't thought that…I hadn't thought that he would have made a mannequin…of me. Perhaps that was why Yahiko refused to talk any further on the subject.

"Kenshin took off the minute anyone took their eyes off of him. Do you know where he went?" The seed of dread blossomed into a hateful feeling, which spread like a weed. Of course I didn't. Without missing a beat, Megumi rid me of my ignorance and shed light upon a dark situation.

"Rakuninmura Kaoru…He went to Rakuninmura." It happened so fast that I hadn't realized it, but Megumi had begun to cry. Sometimes, it was easy to forget that Megumi was suffering from a bad case of unrequited love. She hid it so well under a cool demeanor and witty words—both of which were her armor against the real world. It was easier to hate that side of her, and not realize why she was like that in the first place.

"You and I both know that he loves you Kaoru. God dammit everyone knows it. Stop finding reasons to tell yourself otherwise... He didn't go to rescue you to get the cold shoulder...I won't forgive you if--"

I hugged her then and for the first time, the roles were reversed. She was the one who needed some comforting and peace of mind. But even so, in her suffering, Megumi reminded me of a something very important: Love is all encompassing taking many forms, but most often it takes the form of pain.

"I understand. I'm sorry." Megumi choked a sob of relief before hastily wiping away her tears. It went unsaid that this conversation never left this room but I would carry it with me for the rest of my life. With a cool severity and poise I could never match, Megumi left the room. But before she had completely gone…

"Sometime when we weren't looking, you became more than a sweaty little tomboy."

I cried then. I had told myself I wasn't ready when I had really been ready for a very long time. On some level, I knew that Kenshin loved me; I'd known ever since the day I told him I would stay by his side forever. If he had asked me to be his wife at that very moment, I would have been ready. But Enishi's Jinchuu set back whatever progress we had made back to a stalemate. I tiptoed around him, and he tiptoed around me.

When we came back to Tokyo, I half expected him to hold me at an arm's distance. Ironically, I, who craved closeness, held him at an arm's distance. He never complained but I wondered if he had been hurt by that…or if…he thought that was what he deserved. Megumi had seen that—she always saw what I didn't see. I was surprised she didn't kill me out of frustration a long time ago.

Kenshin needed me to help him with the burden of his atonement. He would never out right say it, and most likely would never acknowledge it—but he did. Of course, he hadn't come back yet from whatever it was that he needed to tend to but…

There would never be another goodbye like that one. Thus, I wasn't too worried. But as it was, he wasn't here for me to tell him all of this so I set to mend his gi as best as I could; to mend the holes with loving care. I wasn't aware as to when I fell asleep.

"Kaoru-dono, you'll catch a cold if you sleep like that." Standing in the doorway where Megumi had stood hours before, Kenshin smiled gently. "Tadaima."

I smiled back. Without any restraint, I held his battered gi towards him. I was horrible with words, but speaking through actions…that I could do.

"Okaeri nasai." He took the gi from my hands with a bemused expression on his face, one that I couldn't fully read or understand. It didn't matter—being together with Kenshin, helping him in his life of atonement…

That was enough. What did it matter if I had flaws? What did it matter if I was not the perfect woman? Kenshin was not the perfect man, and he didn't delude himself to believe that he could be. Why should I force myself to be like Tomoe when Kenshin liked me as Kaoru?

Things were just as Kenshin said. Everyone was beginning to set off on their own journeys—and we were no different. Accepting my own self worth had been the first step in a new journey for Kenshin and I. Today, I was no longer his landlady and he was no longer my boarder. Starting from today, we were just Kenshin and Kaoru.

AN: That took forever and a day to put out. I had actually had this chapter written about a month or two after I posted the last one, but I got sick around Thanksgiving and then I had some other problems regarding my health, added on with a hellish sophomore year in high school. Then when I finally re read the chapter, I didn't like and started all over again. Still not all that happy with it, but I don't think I could put it any better.

This chapter actually marks a change in Kaoru's personality and mannerisms. I mean she's been changing for a long time but this was probably a landmark. I never quite believed that Kenshin was the only one with self-worth issues in the Kenshin-gumi—I figured they all went through it to some sort of degree. I think this also starts a change as to where this fic is headed. In the last few chapters I think I'll have Kaoru's thoughts on her maturing relationship with Kenshin, and how she deals with the emptiness of the Kamiya Dojo once everyone leaves to live their own lives.

Also just to mention; when I went back and re-read the story, I kind of realized it may be confusing as to what source of Kenshin I used to write this fic. The answer is that this universe is more of a mix between the Seisouhen's version of how things happened with the manga and maybe a bit of the anime.

:D Who knows…once this fic is done, maybe I'll write a sequel on the actual courtship of Kenshin and Kaoru. Just maybe. Read and Review please! :D

Reviewers:

MoMo-ChAn: XD thanks a lot. My personal life is back on track and lately, I think I've been getting this feeling that something good is gonna happen. Ahhh…

Flaming-amber: Glad you like it. I kind of noticed that everything begins angsty too…I think its mainly because I wanted Kaoru to focus on something that was bothering her and realize…its not so bad. I think that's actually probably a major part in growing up…and this is sort of about her growing up emotionally.

Tigerrelly: I don't think it'll end sadly…but I wouldn't go so far as to give it a saccharine-ly sweet happy ending. Maybe something inbetween.

Chibi-tanuki: I am utterly flattered that you like my stories :D.

Shiomei: XD Yeah. Kaoru's mom isn't showed much during the fic, so I actually based her on my own mother. Of course, my parents are still alive, but its rather weird how they don't show each other antipathy but then they show their antipathy towards each other to me. I don't know what that solves but…oh well. I'm happy your mother is stronger

Nigihayami Haruko: I'm glad it didn't come out as a lecture. I tried especially to make sure it didn't. In a way…I think everybody can relate to stuff like that…and if they can't then they will. Its probably one of the greater lessons that can be learned in life. I sound like a fortune cookie…

Rekka's Angel: Thank you very much. It made my day reading your review and I can relate to online connection problems. I wish I had cable…TTTT

Agentiz: XD It was a gift I was all too willing to give. Mainly because I was sick and tired of reading the same Kaoru; you know…the Kaoru that's always competing with Tomoe, the one who's so innocent and pure and saintly and blah blah blah. If Kaoru were really that watered down, she wouldn't be a very likeable character.

Noshmono: An inspiration? I've never really been called that before blush. Thank you for reading my fic.

Inuki: Yeah. People are still trapped in relationships today but I think its gotten better. I don't think it was that I did well on a tough chapter, I think I did well because it was a tough chapter to write. I wanted to make sure that I was being realistic and accurate with the family I was portraying.