I am not J.K. Rowling or Queen.
Wizengamot Rhapsody (to tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen)-5
Narrator: Various
Setting: The Last Pensieve Trial
The jury, seated in the round arena seats of the Wizengamot Courtroom Ten, robed, begins to sing:
Jury: Is this nonfiction?
Or is this just fantasy?
Caught in a trial
Quite similar to reality
Open your eyes
It's a McCarthyism allegory . . .
Bartemius Crouch, Jr. is brought to the center of the chamber and placed in a chair, where the chains immediately wind up his arms. Bellatrix, Rodolphus, and Rabastan Lestrange are seated in the shadows around him.
Barty Jr: I'm just a young boy, I ask for sympathy.
Because I'm learning how Dark hexes go:
Imperio, Crucio.
Anything my master asks, doesn't really matter to me,
To me.
The Courtroom fades into a flashback of Bartemius Crouch, Jr. that morning, speaking to his mother in the kitchen, wearing Death Eater robes, covered in blood.
Barty Jr.: Mama, just hexed a man.
Took my wand up to his wife
And gave her pain just like a knife.
Mama, and their baby son-
I just went and took his parents all away.
Mama, ooh,
Didn't mean to make you cry.
I'll be facing Dad again this time tomorrow,
So carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.
The Courtroom comes back, as Bartemius's eyes snap open and two dementors flank either side of him in his chair.
Barty Jr: Too late.
The dementors come.
Sending shivers down my spine,
Memories reeling in my mind.
Goodbye, everybody.
I've got to go.
I've got to leave you all behind and face the judge.
Mama, ooh
Jury: Anything his master asks . . .
Barty Jr: I don't wanna die!
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!
Bartemius Crouch, Sr. enters the courtroom, thick black robes billowing behind him as he comes to the fore and takes his seat, the jury poking their heads out curiously after him.
Barty Jr: I see the haunting silhouetto of my dad.
Jury: Barty Crouch, Barty Crouch, will you do your own son in?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening, he!
Mrs. Crouch: Bartemius!
Male jury member: Bartemius!
Mrs. Crouch: Bartemius!
Male jury member: Bartemius!
Mrs. Crouch: Bartemius, set him free!
Mrs. Crouch and the sympathetic jury: He's family!
Barty Jr: I'm just a young boy, my dad doesn't love me.
Sympathetic jury: He's just a young boy from a fine family!
Spare him his life from these monstrosities! (they motion to the Dementors)
Barty Jr: All I did was Crucio; will you let me go?
Opposing jury: Death Eater!
Sympathetic jury: No!
Opposing jury: We will not let him go!
Sympathetic jury: Let him go!
Opposing jury: Death Eater!
Sympathetic jury: No!
Opposing jury: We will not let him go!
Sympathetic jury: Let him go!
Opposing jury: Death Eater!
Sympathetic jury: No!
Opposing jury: We will not let him go!
Sympathetic jury: Let him go!
Opposing jury: Will not let him go!
Sympathetic jury: Let him go!
Opposing jury: Never!
Never let him go!
Sympathetic jury: Let him go!
Barty Jr: Never let me go?
Opposing jury: No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Barty Jr: Oh, Mama, please, Mama, please, Mama, please let me go!
Rabastan, Rodolphus, and Bellatrix: Lord Voldemort has great honor laid aside for we!
For we!
Bellatrix (in a high voice none of the males could ever match): For ME!!!!!!!
Frank Longbottom bursts into the Wizengamot, obviously off his rocker, strumming a broom like an electric guitar and headbanging his white hair.
Frank: So you think you can hunt me and torture my wife?
So you think you can hex us and leave us to die?
Oh, Barty, can't do this to us Barty!
Just gotta be sent, just gotta be sent to Azkaban!
Jury: Ooh yeah, ooh yeah.
The Dementors lift the four from their seats, and all become placated by the depression as they are led away.
Barty Jr: Nothing really matters.
Anyone can see.
Nothing really matters.
Nothing really matters
To me.
Jury (whispering): Anything his master asks . . .