I am not J.K. Rowling or Eminem or any member of D12
Straight Best Player At Quidditch (to the tune of "My Band" by D12)-4
Narrator: Various
Setting: The Marauder Days, 6th or 7th year
James: I don't know dude.
I think everyone's all jealous and stuff
Because I'm the best Seeker in history, dude.
And I think everyone who's got a problem with me, dude,
They need to take it up with me after the game,
Because . . .
Though I am pureblood I'm not really rich,
And a couple of times I have missed the Snitch,
But all the girls see me and they all get the itch,
Because I'm the straight best player at Quidditch.
So I fly the Quidditch pitch, right, and catch the Snitch,
Walk up to these hot chicks and I'm all like,
"What's up, hotties, I'm James Potter.
I'm just good; I'm not tryin' to be snotty."
They're all like, "Oh, Merlin, I saw the game!
Hestia, oh my freaking gosh it's James!
I swear to Merlin you're like a prodigy!
Please, oh please, will you sit with me?"
And now all the rest of the fellows get pissed,
Especially when I whip them all at Quidditch.
Snivellus is the worst, so I flip him upside-down
So you can all see his panties when his robes go down.
So then every single day Lily has to fight with me,
But when we fight, it's really like she's hitting on me,
'Cause one of these days she'll hook up with me.
Dude, I think she's just trying to get a rise out of me.
Yesterday Snivellus pulled his wand on me
Because I told him Lily really only liked me.
This sports star fame, it's the life for me,
And all the other guy's just despise me
Because . . .
Though I am pureblood I'm not really rich,
And a couple of times I have missed the Snitch,
But all the girls see me and they all get the itch,
Because I'm the straight best player at Quidditch.
Remus: You just want to see a werewolf don't you?
And come smart boys don't get girls like athletes do?
I'm sweet and quiet, and I don't only think of me,
But girls surround him and I'm just lonely.
James doesn't want my friendship; he wants my homework,
(to James) And I'm not going to give it to you!
James: Well, you're a jerk!
Remus: And what the heck is wrong with the Shrieking Shack?
James, did you bring people in there behind my back?
It smells kind of funny; I'm getting suspicious-
(to James) Did you just say that girl was "bootilicious?"
Never mind; I don't want to know.
Just next time clean up the place before you go.
James: Though I am pureblood I'm not really rich,
And a couple of times I have missed the Snitch,
But all the girls see me and they all get the itch,
Because I'm the straight best player at Quidditch.
Sirius (to Remus): Look at the little punk; he's so vain.
Remus: Yeah, I know, Padfoot; it's really a pain.
Sirius (to all): Hey, I thought we had detention in Potions, dude.
James: No, you had detention; not me, fool.
Remus (to Sirius): You're going to be late for Charms class.
Sirius: Man, I'm not going to Charms class.
Remus: I do all your work for you and his grades are still best- you know, I'm going to say something.
Sirius (to James): Hey, yo Prongs!
James: You got something to say?
Remus (to James): Man, no!
Sirius (to Remus): I thought you were about to tell him off, Moony, what's up?
Remus (to Sirius): I'll tell him what I feel like, Padfoot, shut up. And you weren't going to back me up, and we're supposed to be gay-
Sirius: I would have backed you up- WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Remus: You said it! You said it first!
James: Though I am pureblood I'm not really rich,
And a couple of times I have missed the Snitch,
But all the girls see me and they all get the itch,
Because I'm the straight best player at Quidditch.
Sirius: They say James's on top, but he's really not.
It's always me that gets the babes all hot.
I'm going to let the world know that gay, I'm not!
I should say James is gay to get Lily to stop . . .
I'm ready to hex the next Quidditch fan
That says-
Emmaline Vance: Hey James, you're so the man!
Sirius: You can be on top without playing Quidditch
But after Quidditch he gets the girls and I get nix.
And these are the same girls who see me and faint-
James: Padfoot, carry my broom!
Sirius: Dude, your dog I ain't!
I don't want to play Quidditch; I'm not very good.
Frank Longbottom: Who the heck are you? Where's Jones and Wood?
Peter: Merlin, I'm so sick of my "friends."
Time for me to go off and earn my own ends.
I told you it was me who pressed the knot on the tree.
The Marauders'd be nothing without me.
Underwear prank, I was in the back.
Werewolf prank, I was in the back.
When we get caught, I get detention,
But the teachers are always asking James the questions,
Like-
Professor McGonagall: Who's in charge? What was the plan?
James: It wasn't me!
Peter: There he goes again!
Anyway, I'm the shortest guy in the group.
Pudgy little body; the girls think I'm cute.
Then James told me to trying flying to get buff.
I fell off my broom and couldn't get up.
Forget the Marauders- I don't know how I got in-
I'm going to join up with the dark Slytherins.
James: Lily why can't you see you're the only one for me and it just tears me up that you're not impressed that I'm the straight best player at Quidditch.
Peter: Though I am pureblood I'm not really rich, ha ha
And though I have never actually caught the Snitch- die James-
One day I'll get all the girls to itch.
Even though I'm not the best player at Quidditch.
Quidditch, Quidditch,
Sirius (still stuck on the gay bit): I like Hestia, and Emmaline . . .
Peter: Quidditch, Quidditch,
Sirius: And Alice and Marlene . . .
Peter: Quidditch, Quidditch
Sirius: And Greta and Lupin and--
Peter: Quidditch, Quidditch
Sirius: Aggh, no!
Sirius, Peter, and Remus: Quidditch . . .
James: The hottest Quidditch players in the world: The Marauders!
James (mimicking Snape): I'm the straight best player at Quidditch
I get all the girls to look at my undergarments
But that's not hard because James flips me over-
Because, because . . . he's the best player at Quidditch.
(looking around to see that everyone's abandoned him) Hey, where'd everybody go?