Katsu heard the noises before he ever even went upstairs, but he paid them no mind. He heard them as he was walking down the hall, but again he ignored them. He heard them standing outside the door, and dismissed them. There were perfectly logical explanations for them, after all. It may not so happen that he was able to think of any at the time, but that really didn't bother him. He didn't need to think so much any more – Kijou made sure of that.
And he loved her for it.
But then Katsu opened the door, and, while his ears were easily fooled, his eyes screamed that they did not lie.
Kijou was there of course, it was her room, after all, but she wasn't the only one there. Another man, Katsu didn't know his name, but he had seen him often as of late. Now he knew why. Now he knew why Kijou had been ignoring him as of late – why go to Katsu when there is another perfectly willing to let you ride him to the ground, another's hands on your body, another's lips around your nipples? Why go to Katsu at all?
He couldn't stop seeing. Like with the Sagara-taichou and Yokuzoma-sensei, his eyes recorded long past the point when his mind was begging for an end. But even if he closed his eyes, he knew, it wouldn't matter any. The damage was done – another image burned into the backs of his eyes, another memory he would only wish he could forget.
What made it worse, what twisted the knife already buried in his heart, was that Kijou saw him. He knew she saw him – she had met his eyes as she thrust down and took that other, nameless man deep inside of her. She'd seen Katsu and kept fucking the other man. It made sense, really.
Heaven forbid that something so tiny as your lover walking in on you and your other lover could actually get in the way of an orgasm.
Katsu turned – rather jerkily – and left the room, going to his own. The one Kijou had insisted he have, even though he only ever used hers. It all made sense now, everything. Every tiny little discrepancy that he had let slip past him, they all came back, like a ton of bricks in the stomach. Everything was so … so obvious now. Including the way she had manipulated him.
Oh yes. He saw it now, the way she had twisted his mind. What he had become. It made him sick, sick to his stomach, but at the same time he felt … relieved. Not very much so, but enough. It was enough to recognize the problem. Next was getting out. Next was a way to stop loving Kijou.
It was funny … he still did. Love her, that is. Maybe it was left over from the mental cage she had put around him, a cage that was rapidly evaporating. Katsu shuddered as he thought of how close he had been to becoming a mindless drone, how very very close he had been to completely giving up his mind and soul to Kijou. Oh well. Reaching his room, Katsu began to pack his things. He didn't know where he was going, but it had to be away from here. If he stayed, if he looked at Kijou just one more time – just one more time – it would be the end of him, and he knew it. Even one more glimpse would send him back, tail between his legs. Just one look would give him back to her.
So, he had better not take that one look.
It was funny, Katsu remarked, how suddenly this happened. Not even ten minutes ago, the only thought on his mind had been a faint worry that Kijou might be upset with him. Now, he was leaving her. And he was not planning on ever coming back. It was a bit hard to believe, really, that a few seconds had been all it took to change from one to the other.
"Katsu?"
He froze. There was no mistaking that voice, there never would be, but Katsu was still amazed she had come to look for him this quickly. It was a twisted sort of compliment, in a way.
"Katsu, what are you doing?" He heard her moving toward him, but he couldn't move. Like a deer about to be shot, he thought faintly. Exactly like. Then he heard her sigh. "Oh Katsu, really? Melodramatics just aren't you. What do you thing you're doing?" He felt her hand against his arm, light and greasy and by the heavens, had her nails always been so clawlike, and he flinched away.
"Don't … don't touch me." He couldn't bring himself to say her name. She kept trying to look at him, but he kept turning away. "Just … don't. Touch. Me."
"Katsu? Katsu, darling, why are you acting like this?"
She didn't know. She honestly didn't know. She didn't see that anything was wrong. It was like a bucket of ice water to Katsu's face, allowing him the clarity to move on for a few more moments. Maybe enough to get away. Maybe not.
"I thought you loved me," Katsu whispered, almost too softly to be heard.
"Is that all this is about?" Kijou laughed, a bit incredulously, and didn't see how Katsu stiffened even more with every word she spoke. "Of course I do, Katsu dear … but you've just been so boring lately …" By then, she noticed that something was wrong, but it was too late.
"You bitch." It was spoken just as quietly as the statement before it had been, quietly enough that Kijou was sure her ears had been mistaken.
"Excuse me, Katsu? What did you just say?" There was a dangerous note in her voice, but Katsu was past caring now, past danger now. He ploughed on ahead, recklessly, not caring a whit about what Kijou said, for the first time in he-couldn't-remember-how-long. It felt good.
"I said," he repeated, a strange feeling creeping into him as he spoke. It was a wild feeling, a senseless feeling, a feeling that made him want to jump off a bridge to see how high it was. It ran over any remaining desire to stay, crushed it and mangled it like Yokuzoma-sensei had been mangled all that time ago. The bridges had been burned, and all that was left was to see that no new ones were built. "You. Bitch. Would you like me to say it again, once more, for posterity?"
"Wh-why … you … I …" Kijou actually stuttered, the first time in living memory Katsu could recall her doing such a thing. It was quite amusing, really – she looked like a gasping fish. Katsu pushed past her, his things all in a bag over his shoulder – it was amazing how little in the way of personal effects he had accumulated over the years. And it was amazing how fast a person could walk and still not be running.
"K-katsu!" Kijou called, finally regaining her equilibrium. "Katsu where do you think you're going?"
"Away," he called back, already at the door. "Away from you!"
"Oh really," Kijou sneered, hurrying after him. "And just what do you think you'll do there, hmm? How will you get by – you know you need me to survive!"
"No, Kijou, that's where you're wrong." He finally turned around, facing her, and was amazed to feel … nothing. No, not quite nothing: there was a bit of fear, anxiousness, and he wanted nothing more than to run. There was also, much to his terror, still a speck of love there, still a part of him that cringed to see her unhappy. There was a part of him that wanted nothing more to set down the bag and take her back in his arms and say that everything was alright, that he wasn't going anywhere, that he forgave her. But … there was the catch, wasn't there? He didn't forgive her – yes, that was something Yokuzoma-sensei and Sagara-taichou before him had remarked upon: Katsu wasn't one to forgive easily. He closed his eyes and remembered how she looked as she – damnit, he could say it – as she fucked that other man, remembered every sly comment that had completely washed over him at the time. It didn't destroy the love he had for her just … numbed it. Pushed it away, for long enough that he could do what he was about to do, say what he was about to say. "I never needed you Kijou, and I don't need you now. But I thank you most sincerely for finally making me realize that."
"But … Katsu …" she looked at him with lost eyes, and he knew if he allowed even one moment of pity, it would be over. "I … I love you."
"I don't." If a human voice could get any colder or curter than his had just been, he would have been surprised. Katsu watched a few tears well up in her eyes with something close to satisfaction, though the back of his head was screaming for making her cry. He knew it wouldn't last; the danger wasn't past yet – if he didn't leave soon, she'd revert back to her normal self, and he'd be lost. "I'm going now Kijou. I'd say farewell, but you'll understand if I hope you don't."
And with that, he walked out of the door of Kijou's mansion, never to walk in again.
********************
Yay. Finally got it done – and lookie! Four pages! I'm so proud. Took me long enough, anyways. But, this is also a milestone chapter in other ways: the flashback is now officially over. Everyone dance.
Blahb: *pats on back* And yes, I have thickened gravy many times … which is why I used that analogy. ^_^
JamBLAHaiah: *giggles* What esteemed company I keep … though I must admit I don't know of dead author #2. ^__^ I hope you're happier now ………
(You don't happen to be blah##, do you?)