I have to say that I really love all the people who review this fic. You guys rule, and I really appreciate the attention this fic has been getting despite the fact that it isn't a Inuyasha Kagome mush fest. Thanks a lot!
*****
Something Is Real
Part 8
*****
He was starting to hear her voice in his heart.
It stung and made him want to cry, but it was still the best thing that he'd known for so long…ever since he began serving Naraku as nothing more than a mindless drone, most useful for his connections in the life he should have left long ago, Kohaku's life held no meaning. But when he saw a flash of deep maroon eyes and heard the gentle lull of her voice, he knew that at least at one time, his life had been good. Maybe it could be again.
Kohaku understood most of what was happening to him. He knew that the shard of jewel in his back was keeping him alive, and that the instant it was removed he would die once more. He wondered vaguely if his body would be in the same fresh condition it had been in when he was originally revived, or if he'd be nothing but bones and cloth by now. He knew that the same shard that kept him alive was making him subject to Naraku's will. It physically hurt to disobey the demon, and it was almost as difficult to think for himself as it was to directly go against orders. At times, Naraku would speak to him through the jewel, and he could hear the dark voice in his mind, see the baboon pelt-clad man as though he were standing there and not simply projecting himself into Kohaku's mind. And he also knew that that same shard was supposed to keep him from remembering his past and how he had come to serve Naraku, and why he might not actually want to be at the demon's beck and call.
Actually, he wasn't very clear on that last one. It seemed to him that it might be the shard, or it might be some sort of spell aided by the power of the shard. It was hard to know how your memory was wiped when your memory had been…well, wiped. And he didn't really know a lot of people with shards in them who were necessarily good people, so it was hard to tell whether the shards made them evil or if they had started out that way.
Kohaku didn't want to be evil. He wanted to be a good guy. He wanted to save people. He wanted someone to save him. He wanted to see the girl again. He thought that she was his sister, but his memory was still so foggy that he wasn't sure. He remembered her calling him that once though, so he thought that he must be her younger brother. And where was the rest of his family? What had happened to them? It was hard to think of for very long, as he invariably witnessed some scene of unspeakable horror and got horrible headaches, or even passed out. All in all, he would rather not think about where his family was. Perhaps the girl with the ponytail and the maroon eyes could tell him. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear, but he thought the truth was important.
He also thought that leaving Naraku's palace was important. It seemed to him that the hanyou was collecting shards of the sacred jewel, and that he intended to finish it off to some horrible purpose that likely only a mind as twisted as his could conceive of. Before that happened, he thought that it would be nice to escape and get one last chance at being a good guy, and maybe at dying with his mind intact. He would like to remember more about the nice girl. She had seemed so dear to him, and she had obviously cared for him a good deal. Every time he saw her, it was utterly obvious from the way she looked at him, as though seeing him on the opposite side broke her heart every time she had to witness it.
He would like to hug her, and tell her that he was sorry they had fought, but that he really couldn't help being under Naraku's control at the time. It took a lot of work and time to break through something so strong. But he had done it for her love, and he would do it ten thousand times over, and he would run away from the castle that very night to seek her out.
It occurred to him as he was creeping down a corridor polluted with the dark aura of Naraku that he could hear a faint sound, something rustling and very soft cries, almost as if someone were being tortured with a gag of some sort to suppress their cries. It would be all too likely, considering the sounds were coming from Naraku's chambers.
What should I do? Kohaku's hand wandered to the sickle held in place at his waist, running his finger along the dull side of the weapon and down to the handle. His fingers closed slowly around the wood as he snuck up to the chamber doors as quietly as possible. It won't be much of a secret escape if I burst in there now. And he'll kill me before I get to see her again. He wondered vaguely if it was selfish to wish so much for that meeting that even though he wanted to be a hero, he was too worried for his own life to risk anything.
That's not true. He'll kill me when he notices I've escaped. But then, he would kill me eventually anyway. Just like Kagura. Kohaku shuddered slightly as he imagined exactly what might have become of the wind youkai who had, strangely enough, made Naraku's castle almost bearable. She was odd and rather obnoxious, petty and foolish, but she was a lot more entertaining than the oppressing Naraku and the eerie Kanna. Kohaku noticed just then that he had been so lost in thought that he had failed to notice the end of the noises. There was a strange, muffled noise and then a sort of limping shuffle toward the door. To be cautious, the former taijiya melted into the shadows of the hallway to see who it might be. He did not relish meeting with Naraku when he had been only moments ago planning to escape.
But the pale girl who closed the door so softly behind her even though she was obviously in great pain was a lot less threatening than Naraku, even if she had always struck Kohaku as odd and a bit creepy.
Kanna.
She was limping, but he could not see any visible wounds on her body. And after a moment, he heard that same muffled noise from before as her shoulders shook slightly. He saw something then that frankly amazed him beyond all belief.
Kanna was crying.
He determined at that moment that his escape could wait until he got to the bottom of this recent development, and he waited a few moments before stealing after the little girl, who was limping bravely back to her own room. When she was only feet from her door, she stopped and turned around, to his great surprise. He had thought he was moving silently, but she did not look surprised at all to see him staring back at her. He expected her to ask him what he was doing, but as was typical with the youkai girl, she simply blinked at him and waited for him to figure out what to say.
"What's wrong?" he asked her after some time, shocked at the kindness in his voice. Was he actually concerned for her? But then…why shouldn't he be? She seemed so helpless, and even though he knew she was capable of defending herself, he knew that neither of them stood a chance against Naraku's aggressions and angers and punishments. So he sympathized. "Did he hurt you?"
"Yes." She answered. He waited for her to elaborate, but of course, she didn't.
"What did he do?" he prompted her.
"Bad things." She replied, her voice like a whisper on the wind, small and unsure and very afraid.
"Uh…will you be okay?" Kohaku didn't know what else to ask. She wasn't being very forthcoming.
"No." she paused, and he thought she would say no more, but then she turned shining, dark eyes up to him. "I miss her."
"Kagura?" It took him a moment to figure out who Kanna could possibly know well enough to miss.
"Do you miss your sister?" the question struck Kohaku so deep he forgot to breath for a few moments. He had only ever thought of the girls as detachments of Naraku. He hadn't thought that in a strange way, they were sisters, the only family other than Naraku that each of the females had. And it was hard not to feel sorry for Kanna when she stared at him with eyes so wide and lost and lonely.
"Yeah, but at least mine is still alive." Kohaku sighed, truly pitying the little youkai.
"Kagura is not dead." Kanna blinked at him after a moment. "I watch her."
"You…oh, with that?" Kohaku indicated the mirror. "Does Naraku know?"
"He punishes me for not showing him where she is. I tell him I cannot find her." Kanna's mouth quirked, and Kohaku realized she was attempting a smile. "It is a lie."
"Kagura used to lie to him all the time." Kohaku assured her.
"I know." Kanna lowered her head, sad again. Kohaku's conscience had a small internal struggle as he watched the girl and realized that she had no one in the world besides Naraku right now. When he left, she would stay behind and likely die here, his unappreciated tool, never recognized as an individual with feelings.
With a sister who she misses. That was the end for Kohaku, he sighed and cleared his throat quietly to get her attention. After glancing around to be sure there were no bees around, he took her little hand in his. She tilted her head and looked at him as though utterly mystified. It was unlikely that she had ever held someone's hand before, and it pulled at Kohaku's sympathies again as he began leading her down the hall to the exit. She followed silently, not questioning where they were going, obviously unafraid of his intentions. Does she trust me that much, or has she just stopped caring anymore? He suspected it was the latter.
"Kanna, would you like to find your sister?" he asked the little girl once they were outside and moving toward the wooded area surrounding the hidden castle. She nodded slightly, still looking confused. "So would I. If you help me find my sister, I'll take you to yours too." She nodded once more and he smiled slightly. It felt so good to be away from the castle. His mind had been in a stew there, and now it was starting to clear, just a bit. Sango, that was her name, wasn't it? "But first, let's get as far from here as we can."
"Yes."
----------
"Can I ask you something?" Kagura spoke up as she picked at the fish she had just roasted over the fire she had made.
"I suppose you will ask anyway, won't you?" Kikyo raised an eyebrow from where she sat on a nearby rock. She was close enough to feel the heat of the fire, but she didn't appear to notice it at all. Kagura sometimes wondered exactly what the dead priestess could feel, but thought it was likely very rude to ask. Not that Kikyo seemed to find her manners to be very impressive, which for some reason bothered Kagura very deeply, but all the same. "Go ahead."
"I was only wondering if you thought that we'd win." Kagura asked, peeling off a long bit of fish which she proceeded to nibble on. It wasn't very well cooked, and it was still hot. She regretted eating it, but she had to eat something.
"Not really." Kikyo answered earnestly. "I've told you it is a suicide mission."
"But I really would rather die, you know." Kagura bit into the fish, not caring about the taste. "Rather than go back to that…how it was. Or hide from him. I'd probably die from shame."
"Are you really so proud?" Kikyo asked, actually seeming interested. "After all you've done."
"I want a new life. A real one." Kagura explained, setting aside the half-eaten fish. She really couldn't bear it anymore. "I want to be proud of things I've done. I want to make my own choices and stop making so many mistakes."
"You will never stop making mistakes." Kikyo assured her. "As long as we live, our actions are of our own choosing, and we invariably make mistakes. No one can claim to have lived without ever doing something they regret."
"But I already regret so much." Kagura fingered her fan. "Isn't it enough?"
"The wolf doesn't think so, does he?" Kikyo observed, and Kagura sat up so straight she snapped her neck. "Or were you able to apologize to him?"
"In the cave…" Kagura wondered how long Kikyo had really watched them, but decided she didn't really want to know. It would only embarrass her, likely. "I told him how I felt, but it wasn't enough. He wants me to die, I think. Maybe that will be enough."
"Will it?" Kikyo seemed to be smiling ever so slightly, as though amused at Kagura's consideration. "Will anything be enough to undo the past?"
"No." Kagura relented, feeling guilty and foolish and utterly horrible. "I guess it won't."
"Then he is the one at fault here." Kikyo surmised, and Kagura narrowed her eyes in confusion while the other woman elaborated. "You are truly sorry, are you not?"
"Yes." Kagura agreed.
"And you told him this, explained how you felt, and he ignored it all and refused to forgive you, did he not?" Kikyo recounted what she had just learned.
"Well…he wants to kill Naraku more than me now." Kagura explained, feeling stupid for trying to justify Kouga's boundless grudge.
"That hardly counts as forgiveness." Kikyo pursed her lips. "Kagura, you are concerned about your soul, are you not? You worry that you haven't the will to survive and stand a chance against Naraku."
"Yeah." Kagura nodded. "He can kill me so easily…I'll only be a hindrance in the end."
"I don't think so." Kikyo countered. "You were born to a man so purely evil that I have never in all my time seen something half as vile. You were taken from his body and yet, you have a sense of right and wrong. You repent past sins committed when you were barely more than a newborn, an age when morality and conscientious behavior is rarely considered a prerequisite for growing into a mature adult. Your soul is so very young, and yet you have learned the error of your ways and truly wish to turn your life around and fix your past mistakes. I know few people with your strength, and it pleases me to have you at my side."
"Kikyo…" Kagura's eyes goggled. "Do you really mean all that?"
"Why would I say it if I didn't?" Kikyo made everything seem so simple.
"So…so then, are we friends now?" Kagura asked, her voice helplessly eager and startlingly innocent for one who had lived through so much, and washed the blood of so many off of her seemingly eternally stained hands. Kikyo arched an eyebrow at her before the wind youkai elaborated. "I…I've never really…well, I mean, Kanna is kind of…and well, that's different because she's my sister. And Kouga kinda wanted…he'd like me to die I think…so that's not so much…but I've never had a friend before."
"I would be honored to call you my friend." Kikyo smiled at her softly. "Though I should warn you that the friendship of a damned soul is not to be valued highly."
"I could say the same to you." Kagura was smiling so brilliantly. "You've done much less evil than I have, I think."
"That may be." Kikyo agreed after a moment. "But I still value you."
"Me too." Kagura had never been so happy before. It seemed strange, but there it was.
She had a friend!
Maybe things would work out, after all.
Maybe she could save her sister, at the very least. That would make her life worth something, she was sure.
*****
The End (Of Part 8, That Is)