It's the night before the doom of us all! Hey, you know who really really liked the word doom a lot? Tolkein. He was all about meeting doom and finding ones doom and overcoming doom and discovering your doom and all that in the LotR books. It maybe actually influenced my current obsession with doom. Although if I had to cite specific influences to my doom love, I would say that Tolkein would be one of the earliest, back in junior high when I first read those bad boys. And then I guess after that would be Invader Zim, which totally uses that word in all kinds of cool ways. After that, when I got Hana Yori Dango and my sister started calling Doumyouji "Doomy," that added to it. So now here I am, and doom this, and doom that, and doom on you and doom on your cat. Doom is just a word, after all, a great word, but a word. However,
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Something Is Real
Part 19
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Ayame could not believe her eyes. She had been strolling along the stream, but she had been lonely, and decided to return to the campsite. She didn't want to spend this night all alone, as much as the moments of quiet reflection had been appreciated by her before. Now, she just wanted companionship, and she wanted to be reminded that she wasn't going to be alone tomorrow when they went into battle. She didn't want to die, but she especially didn't want to die alone. She was still young, by youkai standards. She had never been kissed, she had never been told that she was beautiful by anyone other than her uncle and her grandfather, who she didn't think counted since they were her relatives and had to say stuff like that. She was, however, in love. Well…she thought so. It was hard to keep faith in Kouga. All he did was stare at Kagome or yell at Inuyasha or talk with Kagura or spend time with Ginta and Hakkaku, and he never seemed to have time for her. She was getting rather annoyed with his lack of response to her years and years of dedication to him. It was very insulting, and she couldn't help but thinking that maybe she should just give up on him.
But it was destiny, wasn't it? After all, how many times in your life did you see a rainbow in the moon's light? It had to have been a sign. And she had clung to that for so long that she couldn't let go of it now. Not after so long, surely. Sighing deeply, she bit her lip and paused as she caught sight of the fire up ahead, and heard the low murmur of voices. She didn't want to walk in on anything…personal. She was sure that with such an important battle ahead, Sango would be with Miroku, Kagome would be with Inuyasha. Everyone had someone, it seemed. Except her someone.
That was when she spotted the pair by the fire, bent close together, voices low, their faces extremely close. Suspiciously close. Suggestively close.
Kouga and Kagura.
Ayame was really starting to dislike the wind youkai. But not for the reasons she'd had before. The whole kin-slaying thing was apparently not supposed to be an issue anymore, so she tried to just leave that alone, and she was moving past it. No one had been angrier than Kouga, anyway, and if he could forgive her, anyone could. But she was always with him. Always talking, laughing, joking, teasing, standing way closer than what was strictly necessarily. It was annoying. It was frustrating. But this, this was unforgivable.
It was likely their last night together. One of them could very well die in the fight tomorrow, and what was he doing? Was he telling her not to worry, that he would watch out for her, and that if anything happened, he would take care of her people as well as his, and that she had always been very important to him? Was he even acting remotely concerned about where she might be? No. He was deep in discussion with Kagura, of all people. That was who he felt he needed to talk to more than anyone else. That was who he needed to tell all his secrets to? Well that was just fine.
But then, she attacked him.
Okay, that wasn't quite right. She hugged him. Hard. And he was just as surprised as Ayame was, judging from the shock on his face. But just when she was going to burst out into the camp site and break it up, his arms moved around her, and his face relaxed into an easy smile. Since when was he allowed to hug her and smile like that…like they were…when she was such a…
This was utterly stupid. Ayame turned on her heel and went on a madly swift walk as far from the stupid fire and stupid Kouga as fast as she could go. And she wasn't crying. Her eyes were blurry just because it was so dark out, and because she was running now. That was ridiculous. Why was she running? She stopped herself, and plopped down on the edge of the grassy hilltop she had stumbled across.
"Hey." Ginta was there. She hadn't even noticed him, lying in the long grass, hands behind his head, staring up at the stars and the moon and the sky. "What's with the running? Something going on?"
"No…nothing's going on." She considered getting up and leaving. She didn't want to be teased. Not right now. She couldn't take that right now. Not after what she had just seen.
"Just desperate for a view of the…man…um, Ayame?" Ginta was sitting up now, moving toward her, his face concerned, his eyes narrowed in concentration on her face. "Are you…crying?"
Stupid!
She brushed at her cheeks frantically and shook her head. "No, no I'm not. What would I be crying about, after all?"
"I don't know." Ginta sighed and sat back down beside her, leaning back so he could see the moon. "Nice night, though, isn't it?"
"I guess." She shrugged, looking up at the moon. It would be full tomorrow night. If they lived to see it. If she lived to see it. "Ginta?"
"What?" he asked, not looking away from the bodies twinkling in the sky.
"Do you think…you know, we're not very strong." Ayame felt extremely stupid. "I mean, like compared to Kouga…or even Inuyasha or Sesshoumaru. Or Kagome or Kikyo, or Kagura. A lot of the people here, I mean…they're stronger than us."
"But we're on the same side." He pointed out the obvious.
"Yeah." She agreed. "But you know, tomorrow, I think probably someone will die. Don't you think so?"
"You think it's gonna be you?" Ginta bit through her layers of nervousness, right to the heart of her fear. She gasped at how easily he'd stripped her of all her pretense before she recovered herself enough to answer.
"Yeah…yeah." She told him.
"Well, that's a stupid thing to worry about." He told her, flashing her a wink. "Wanna know why?"
"Why?" she looked at him, really looked at him, for the first time that she could remember. He was cute when he wasn't being an ass. He was sweet when he wasn't making fun of her. He was smart, and he was strong, and he was someone she understood. He was a friend, at least. And at most…
"Look at the stars." He instructed, and she turned, trying not to blush. What was she thinking about? She might be young, but she wasn't a child. She shouldn't think anything about Ginta except for that he was absolutely irritating and the worst possible retainer a leader could have, always second-guessing…
Making you think for yourself.
And he had no modesty whatsoever!
Neither do you.
And…he was a show-off!
And you aren't?
Okay, so he had some good points, but at the same time, he had bad points. Like…he wasn't Kouga. But she wasn't sure how bad that was. Really, after what she'd just seen, it should be moved to the list of good points. And why was she looking at the stars again?
"When I was little, my mom died." Ginta was explaining, so she didn't turn away from the sky. "My dad told me that she had gone up there, and that all those millions and billions of stars are the eyes of the people that had to leave us, and that they're always watching out for us."
"That's nice…" Ayame had heard something similar, she recalled.
"So you shouldn't worry that you'll die." He told her. "See how many people watch out for us? And even if we did die, we would get to meet them again, and then we would shine up in the sky. Pretty good deal, huh?" Ayame turned to him, unable to repress her smile. How did he know what to say to make her feel better? She had known for a while that he always knew what to say to piss her off, but she'd never thought he could reverse that and use his wits to make her happy.
"Ginta, thanks." She told him, blushing and turning back toward the sky to hide it.
"Eh, we should…you know, get back, you think?" he shifted, but she snatched his hand in hers, not letting him leave her alone out here, not to think of them…by the fire…hugging.
"Not yet." She pleaded, her tone telling him that she could think of nothing she wanted to do less than go back to the camp. "Can we…just stay here for a while? I like…spending time with you. Just…when you're being nice to me. It's nice."
"Uh…" Ginta felt his face go so red he thought it would catch fire. "Uh, okay." And then she leaned her head against him, and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
Yeah, this was much better than going back. They could wait for a while longer.
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Kagura realized belatedly that it was very awkward having a touching moment with someone and then simply going back to staring at the fire together, silently. It was…tense, somehow. Like the air was thick, and like there was something she was supposed to say, or something he was supposed to do. She didn't know what it was, and it was starting to annoy her. Finally, she stood up with a great huff of air. Kouga turned, his brilliant blue eyes sparking curiously as she stretched the kinks out from sitting on that uncomfortable stump for so long.
"I'm going to find Kikyo." She said the first thing she could think of, and it wasn't a half-bad excuse, at that. She was concerned about where the dead miko had wandered off to. She was someone that was very important to Kagura, if only because she thought of her as the first person to really be her friend. Kanna didn't count, she was her sister, and she was special in her own right because of that claim. Kouga was…something else entirely. Kouga was fascinating, in a very dangerous way.
When she was with Kouga, she felt afraid of dying. She felt like she wanted only to survive, if only to spend a little more time with him. That was a dangerous line of thinking, because really, what good could it possibly do? And as far as she was concerned, things that were not good, were obviously bad. It might have been too "black and white," as Kouga had said, but that was what she truly believed, and it seemed to make perfect sense to her.
"You were looking for me?" Kikyo appeared out of nowhere, it seemed, and it was enough to shock the breath right out of Kagura, who stood gasping expressionlessly for a few moments before she nodded. "Come, let us take a walk." Kikyo tilted her head slightly and led Kagura on a seemingly random path that had been cleared by animals of some kind. Foxes, maybe. Or badgers. Not that it mattered, really.
"Kikyo?" she spoke up eventually. "Will we die tomorrow, do you think?"
"Probably." The answer was just as cheery as always, and Kagura sighed heavily. "This was your choice, Kagura." The other woman reminded her companion, her grey-blue gaze unwavering. "Remember that. No one forced you into this battle, and that is why I respect you."
"Yeah." Kagura nodded slightly. "Yeah, I know. But…"
"You want to live." Kikyo finished the sentence easily. "That is sensible of you."
"But, you don't care about this at all. You don't care about dying." Kagura pointed out, and Kikyo stopped, blinking at her as though trying to decide whether Kagura was serious or not before she finally responded to Kagura's assertions.
"I am already dead." Kikyo reminded her. "You are not."
"Yeah." Kagura nodded again. "I know, but it still seems like I'm a coward. Wanting to live, so much…"
"Why?" Kikyo asked.
"Why does it seem cowardly? Well, I guess because everyone else knows what it's gonna be like, and I'm the only one freaking out." Kagura explained. Kikyo laughed. She actually laughed.
"Everyone is afraid. Inuyasha, Kagome, Kouga, Kohaku, even Sesshoumaru is afraid." Kikyo assured her. "Do not think that you are a coward because you feel fear. It is facing your fears that makes you brave, not existing without them. Someone who feels no fear is only a fool. And besides all that, I wanted to know why you want to live."
"Oh." Kagura felt foolish. Kikyo always made her line of thinking seem so perfect, so logical, leaving Kagura thinking she was just a child. "Well, for one thing, I worry about Kanna. I mean, she's older than me, technically, but she's still my sister, and I care about her. I don't want her to be alone, and I worry that if I die, she won't have anyone to watch out for her." Kagura paused. "I see that Kohaku is nice to her…that makes me feel better, I guess. But then, there's…other things."
"Like?" Kikyo prompted, her head tilted, her eyes sharp, catching every emotion Kagura displayed, intentionally or subconsciously.
"I've only just met you." She began. "You're my best friend, but I don't think after tomorrow…and I don't want to know what it's like for you to die. Or me. And I know…that eventually, I'll have to learn to lose. I don't want to learn that."
"It makes life sweeter to have hardships." Kikyo told her. "Without them, the good does not appear as sweet by comparison."
"And…Kouga." Kagura's face went red, but she turned away so that Kikyo might miss it. "He's forgiven me, Kikyo. I think…I feel like this is the beginning of an important thing. I feel like my insides are wound tight, and they're waiting for something…but I don't know what it is. And tomorrow, if I die, I'll never find out. This thing, I'll never hold it in my hands. I'll never understand it. And…I think…Kikyo, I think it's what I'm looking for."
"What are you looking for?" Kikyo asked, as if she didn't know.
"Something real." Kagura answered. "Something that makes me feel alive. Something that lasts. Something wonderful. I can't lose it now."
"You won't." Kikyo assured her. "I care for you, Kagura. You are my friend, as you have said to me. And tomorrow, I will protect your life with my own. I will not let you die without having learned what that thing is."
"Do…you know?" Kagura asked. Kikyo seemed to know everything.
"Yes." She smiled warmly, something that caught Kagura off guard by the nature of it's rarity. "Something worth living for."
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The End (Of Part 19)