Chapter 4

The sand was warm and smooth; the micro pebbles heated Alexandra's feet as she lay on her back, relaxing on a soft towel next to Olivia. The sun was high overhead, but unlike the day before the weather was balmy and comfortable. Jesse, whom Olivia liked when she met her, suggested that they discuss everything outside, in the open, and that it would make things easier. As usual Alex found her friend being right. The two women sat smiling and talking with each other, not pretending as if everything was normal, but making the situation less dramatic, of which made Alex feel relieved.

"You know," Alex eyeballed Olivia before biting into a peach. "You have yet to start talking about your new surprises and I'm starting to get a headache trying to figure them out."

"Then stop trying to figure them out."

"Anyway," she rolled her eyes and swatted at her friend. "I want to know!"

"Be patient; I'll get to it."

"Before hell freezes over would be nice," when Olivia just stared at her she shook her head and continued. She could draw it out of her, take her old lawyer tricks out for a spin, but what was the point? Olivia would talk when she was ready. Alex just wished she'd hurry up. "How long you staying?"

"Not long, three maybe four days; we're working on a major rape homicide and Cragen needs as many hands as possible. I'm lucky to even be here."

"Why'd you come? Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to see you, but why'd you need to bring the papers?"

"I didn't exactly need to, I just wanted to see you, and there was so much I wanted to tell you."

"Well I'm glad you came, even though you have yet to spill the beans."

"I'll fill you in sooner or later, as a matter of fact you know that saying, 'I can show you better than I can tell you'?"

"I can see were you're going with this…"

"You don't have to stay, just visit; try things on for size."

"And how am I going to explain the boys?"

"You don't necessarily have to. I'm not saying you should drag it out, but you should explain everything when both you and Munch are comfortable around each other. Everything's not going to be the same or come to back normal instantly, but you can try to save what you and Munch had."

"I just hope I'm not making a big mistake…"

"You're not," Olivia reassured. "It's going to be a…challenge…I know you like those."

"Mommy, guess what?" Kenny stomped through the sand with a sopping wet Connie in tow. He looked as if he was about to burst with some wonderful news, and indeed, without waiting for his mother to guess, he barreled ahead. "This lady down in the water had a dog and she let us play water fetch with him! He was a good swimmer too, he swam faster then you!"

"That was nice of her. Did you remember to say thank you?"

"Yeah! Oh and Connie has something to ask you…"

"I do?"

"Yeah…don't you 'member? You're 'posed to ask her about…"

"No you ask her!"

"Ponytails first!"

"Okay, okay, I'll ask her," Connie sent his brother one more stare before snuggling between Olivia and his mother. Placing his head on her arm, he smiled broadly and gazed sweetly into her eyes. "Can we get a-"

"Don't even think about it! Nice try Connie."

"How'd you know what we was going to ask for?" Kenny shot her a puzzled stare. "Are you a psycho?"

"Physic, Kenny, the word is physic," Alex laughed and nudged Olivia who was leaning on her side laughing. "And as an answer to your question I know you well enough to know what you guys want."

"But Mommy, everybody has a dog" Kenny whined.

"Olivia do you gots a dog?" Connie piped from his mother's arms.

"No, can't say that I do."

"Not everybody has a dog Kenny."

"Hey!" he snapped, inching up on his brother. "Whose side are you on?"

"That's enough guys," Alex interjected between laughs. "I think you guys need something to eat. Olivia there's this great burger joint around here; want to try it out?"

"Sure, why not? It's nearing dinner anyway."

"You need help Olivia?" Connie asked shyly, already helping her roll her towel.

"I thought girls had cooties Connie…" Kenny giggled and smiled smugly.

"They do but she's not a girl, she's a lady."

"She used to be a girl, dummy."

"Then she used to have cooties," Connie stared at his brother with a look of pity and turned back to Olivia. "Need more help?"

"No thanks, buddy, I got it."

"Mkay," with that he run up the beach to join Kenny who'd already started towards the car.

"Those two crack me up," Olivia confessed as she and Alex walked barefooted towards the car. "The way they just feed off of each other's personality is so cute."

"Don't be duped by their cuteness, they can be little devils sometimes."

"Even Connie? He seems too quiet and shy to get into any trouble."

"It's always the quiet one that's behind everything. Well not everything, but Connie is very logical. He calculates everything he does and says, and executes his plans calmly and quietly. Kenny on the other hand his painfully direct. He doesn't give a damn; he says and does what he wants, but he doesn't break the rules, he bends them."

"I guess they've got different aspects of their parent's personalities."

"Lucky them," Alex laughed. Suddenly all the humor that had filled her smile faded and she stopped walking. She stared out towards the water, not making eye contact with Olivia. The unwanted tears in her voice were evident. "I feel so sorry for Kenny and Connie. If things go wrong they'll be in the middle. They're smart and tough but this is all going to be difficult for them to understand."

"Give them small details; they don't have to know everything yet, you can explain the rest when you feel absolutely ready."

At the end of the room was a closed door, and beyond that, another room--a room she must get into because he was waiting for her. She moved toward the door but stopped when she heard his voice behind her. "They're not mine; you and I both know that." She turned to face him, but when she did, he was gone.

Alexandra's eyes opened at that point and she stared dully at her bedroom ceiling. For some reason she wasn't worried, she knew her mind was trying to tell her something. John was defiantly not going to accept her children; she was just going to have to live with the fact that she was going to be alone. However, she was still going back east. She had parents whom she knew would be glad to welcome her and her children with open arms. Yet somehow, even with her newfound acceptance, she hoped John would forgive her. However, the lawyer in her was prepared for the best and worst.

She rolled over and prepared to go to sleep again. Olivia insisted on taking care of the boys while she got some rest. Alex being Alex had refused, but Olivia ignored her and immediately scooped up the twins for their bath. Closing her eyes Alex felt herself drifting into a deep sleep when there was a somewhat irritating knock on her door. To her surprise she ignored it, burying her head in her pillows and pulling the soft down comforter over her neck.

She was half annoyed when she heard the door open anyway, and realized someone was crossing her room towards her bed. Olivia. Olivia had been checking up on her throughout her nap, making sure she was alright, being a good friend. These comforting intrusions demanded no attention from Alex, which was fine by her.

This time, though, she felt the comforter open and felt two sets of damp legs rub across her own. Startled, she set up and stared into four identical eyes.

"We heard you and Olivia talking and you said we were going to New York, why?" Kenny asked, his eye brow arched. For the first time she found the characteristic painful.

The aggravation that had once run through her thoughts vanished and the potent emotions of fear, sadness, and love crept over her features and evaded her eyes. "The three of us have to have a talk."

"Mommy are you sad?" Connie asked quickly. "You can tell us later."

"Don't worry Connie, I'll be alright. Now, this might be hard for you to understand but I just want you to trust Mommy and know I would never ever hurt you or lie to you on purpose." When they just stared at her she continued. She felt comforted when Kenny laid his little head on her shoulders.

"Before you guys were born I lived in New York City with Olivia and a lot of other people. I used to be a lawyer for the city. My job was to make sure the bad people that Olivia and the other detectives brought in were put in jail and the victims got justice."

"Did you like your old job?" Kenny asked.

"Sometimes, sometimes I had to do things that made me sad in order to win. I didn't like doing that."

"What kind of things?"

"I'll explain that part to you when you get a little older, Kenny, but right now we've need to talk about the basic stuff. Anyway, about ten months before you were born a bad man was upset at me because he'd done something awful and I teased him about it. Like most people, he didn't want to be embarrassed. Because I made him feel bad he wanted to hurt me and the people I loved. So I had to pretend Alexandra Cabot was dead and I had to move here and be Lara Dobras so nobody would get hurt. When you guys were born I had to give you the last name Dobras and keep you guys a secret so you guys could be safe too."

For a few moments there was a long pause. Connie played with his hair while Alex and Kenny stared off into space. It was Kenny who broke the ice. Looking from her to Connie he shrugged his shoulders and simply asked, "Well what's so bad about that Mommy?"

"It doesn't bother you?" she gawked at him with disbelief. Struggling to process everything she slowly stammered, "Any…you two want to ask me…umm…some questions?"

"Are Kenny and Connie our real names?" Connie asked from his brother's side.

"That's one thing that didn't change. I had to change your last names to keep you safe, but if you guys still want to be Kenny and Connie Dobras instead of Cabot, that's okay."

"No I like Cabot better. Do we get to go to New York to meet all your friends? I like Olivia; are all your friends like Olivia?"

"Yuck Connie! Connie and Olivia sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N…"

"That's enough Mackinley," he nodded, but not before sticking his tongue out at his brother. "When do we go?"

"We'll leave when Olivia goes back."

"Wait until I tell Marcus where we're going," Kenny exclaimed jumping from the bed and pulling Connie along with him. "Come on Connie, we still have to show your girlfriend how to play Madden 2004."

"She's not my…."

When the door shut Alex hugged her eyes shut and for the first time in a while she went to bed with a real smile.

"Maybe things just might be easy," she said to no one in particular. Turning off the lights, she closed her eyes and fell into a peaceful sleep