Yeah, I know, I killed a bunch of people. I'm mean. It could have been worse though, if you think about it. Well…I could've killed everyone. That would've been a story-ender. I need to stop listening to "Into the West" or this story is never gonna be happy. I mean, seriously. I didn't realize until the second time I saw RotK that the whole silver glass, white shores thing was like Frodo saying "It's okay, Sam. When you're dead, we'll see each other again, so don't be sad." But that's just even more sad! Gay hobbits should be free to love each other without being separated by distance and time and such like…sniffle Okay, back to this story. So yeah, looks like Kagura slipped off the deep end, but hopefully it won't happen again. That was harsh. Wonder how Kagome's dealing. Must suck to have all that adventure, and then the one you're in love with dies without you even ever admitting you're in love. Weak. But really, I think that they had an understanding. I like to believe that words are only our way to try and capture things that can't be held and touch them in any way we can. It's not something that can be done, when you know that…
Something Is Real
Part 26
"I've got patrols in an hour." Kagura was tying back her hair in front of something that she loved almost as much as her precious nail lacquer. It was a mirror that Kouga had bought her. It didn't look anything like Kanna's, but that didn't stop her from bursting into tears when he gave it to her. It was strange how easily some things could get to her. Other things slid right off her like he remembered. She had been tough, before. Some wounds could never really heal, though. At least she wasn't alone. He'd never let her be alone again.
"Okay, I'm going hunting with a few of the men. We'll be back before dinner." Kouga answered, entering the common area of their den while he tied the straps on his chest plate together. He never thought of it as his den anymore. It was theirs. Kagura's and his.
"Kouga?" she turned, patting her hair once more for good measure. "Do you think we could go tomorrow?"
"Where?" he asked, only half listening as he picked up the breakfast she had procured for both of them from the vicious battle that was the morning cooking area. Of course, Kagura was able to get what she wanted with as little trouble as Kouga himself. She commanded respect, and he wondered if it was because they were so close that people feared his retribution if she was mistreated in any way. "Thanks for the food."
"No problem." She sat down next to him, serving herself as well as pouring the tea she would make herself most mornings. She said that the other women made horrible tea, but he thought that she enjoyed making it because it was one of the few things she never burned or destroyed. She said once that Kikyo taught her. She hadn't started crying when she said it, but she did look horribly wistful. "To see the others, I wanted to do it before the humans got so old they wouldn't even recognize us." It was a light jab, something that always relieved Kouga. Her fighting spirit was one of the best things about her, and it was a constant wonder to see that it had come back so fully. Of course, it had been a long time since that day.
"You mean…Miroku and Sango and all of them?" Kouga felt a sinking in his stomach. "I don't know. I'm not sure where they are. It could take time."
"It's been so long, though." She sipped her tea wistfully. "I bet Rin's all grown up by now. Humans age fast, don't they? It's been eight years, Kouga. Why don't you want to see them? We were all comrades."
"That was a long time ago." He huffed slightly, taking a big bite of stew. "Things are different now."
"Kouga, I never got to say goodbye to any of them." Kagura was putting her ultimate weapon into play, a face that was so sad, it looked like she'd just lost her only friend in the world or something of that sort. Of course, Kagura had a lot of friends now. No one seemed to remember the name of that woman who had slaughtered so many wolves all those years ago, and wasn't that ancient history, anyway? Next to this woman who commanded the respect and attention of not only Kouga, but his two highest men, Ginta and Hakkaku, that woman was inconsequential. "I was…so lost then. It makes me sad to think they might have thought I just didn't care about any of them. They were my comrades, and I cared for them."
"You want to see Sesshoumaru, too? I thought you two were one step from killing each other." Kouga reminded her, and she snorted indignantly.
"That's stupid. He saved my life, and at this point, Rin is too grown up for either of us to fight over how she should be raised." She pointed out. "Don't you think I should thank him?"
"He didn't want to bring you back." Kouga grumbled. He was losing this fight, and he knew it. Neither of them was even yelling yet, and he'd already lost. Pathetic. "I had to threaten him to make him do it."
"Still." Kagura folded her hands in her lap after setting down an empty teacup. "Much as you would hate to admit it, Sesshoumaru didn't really have to fear you. In a fight, he would have beaten you easily enough, and then we'd both be dead. So obviously, he made the choice on his own."
"You aren't going to give up on this, are you?" he groaned, annoyed at the conversation. He hated losing.
"No." she answered smoothly. "I don't see why you're fighting this. What did they do that makes you hate them all?"
"I don't hate them." He answered, feeling unnerved as he tried to think what exactly his reasoning was and came up blank. "I just…I feel like we should move on and leave the past behind us."
"Very poetic of you, Kouga." She rolled her eyes. "Don't you want to see Kagome? You loved her, if you don't recall."
"Uh, oh yeah." Kouga felt like vomiting. Of course, Kagome. Why did hearing Kagura say what he already knew hurt so much? "Kagome. But you know, she's from another country. She probably never even visits anymore."
"We won't know if we don't visit the others." She told him officiously. "Silly of you to put it off so long, really. You should have met with them long ago. Maybe Kagome would accept your offer now. Obviously, Inuyasha's gone, no one's in your way."
"That's a horrible way to put it, Kagura." Kouga frowned at her, but it was true, wasn't it? He'd thought the same thing when he last saw the mysterious girl that had so enraptured him at the time. Now, he barely thought about her. He tried not to think of her.
"Well, however I put it, you should know that it's something you're going to have to face sooner or later." Kagura pointed out. "The others are talking, you know. They're wondering if you're going to mate someone any time this century, or if you were just planning on dying without leaving an heir. Then the tribe would pass to Ginta, and we all know that he'd never mate someone since he loved Ayame. Still does, you know. He won't ever really get over it, I think. He still visits her grave every year. Leaves her flowers."
"How did this discussion turn to my life choices?" Kouga was definitely irritated now. He hated when Kagura acted like his mother, or his advisor. Couldn't they just be friends? "I have plenty of time to find a mate and make everyone else happy."
"Don't make it sound like such a chore, Kouga." Kagura rolled her eyes at him again. "I pity the girl you pick, with that attitude towards it. You'll send the poor woman to an early grave. She'll love you, of course. How could she not? And you'll just mope and angst all the time because really, you wanted Kagome, and you can't get over the hurt to your pride that she would have gone with Inuyasha, and the poor thing will suffer because you're too busy lying to yourself to notice she even exists."
"Fuck, Kagura, that's enough! It's too early for this shit." Kouga snapped at her standing up without even picking up the dishes. She could take care of them if she was going to be so damned obnoxious. "Who ever said I wanted to mate Kagome, anyway?"
"You did." She answered, her voice gentler than before. "Stupid."
"Bitch." He snarled, sweeping out of the cave. "Later."
"Safe hunting," she answered automatically before scowling at the dishes. He would leave all the work to her. That was his kind of passive aggressive fighting style. He couldn't win most of the time unless he did something like this. Ridiculous.
----------
"What are you doing?" Kouga asked as he entered the den that evening to see Kagura carefully wrapping little parcels in expensive looking paper. She must have gone shopping again. At least he hadn't been dragged along this time. She was like a warrior of shopping. Trained, untiring, determined, and impossible to keep up with. At least she liked doing it. Kouga didn't mind how much she spent so long as he wasn't supposed to accompany her.
"I thought since it's been so long, it would be nice to bring little gifts to everyone." Kagura answered, blinking at him in a way that challenged him to ask her what she meant when they both knew exactly what she meant. She loved to win, but she loved even more to rub it in his face.
"Don't you have patrols tomorrow?" he tried feebly. Token resistance was something he was getting very good at.
"No, of course not." She went back to her task, not looking up again. "I talked to Ginta and Hakkaku, we were able to arrange it so that you and I have a week free to go and do what we will."
"Don't they want to come?" he asked.
"Well, what are we supposed to do? Leave the old aunties to run the tribe?" she arched an eyebrow like she wanted him to say that was a good idea just so she could make fun of him for it. "Someone has to be responsible for things while we're gone, and those two are completely capable. I told them that if they want to make a similar trip, it would be at their discretion."
"That's very nice of you to run the tribe for me. Who needs an heir when I have a usurper right here?" Kouga grumbled. Silence answered his comment, and he immediately felt his insides twist uncomfortably. Looking up, he saw that Kagura was, just as he had suspected, looking at him like the slightest provocation would cause her to attack. Okay, so maybe that comment hadn't been as intelligent as it seemed at the time. He really needed to think more about what he was saying before he said it. "That's…not what I meant."
"Wasn't it?" she blinked, her voice thinly veiled fury. "Don't bother covering your feelings up, Kouga. Just say what you think. Don't worry, I won't get upset." She stood and stormed out.
"Fuck me." Kouga grumbled, looking at the package she'd left half wrapped. Makeup for Rin. She really was a bitch, wasn't she? But she was still his most important person, no matter how much trouble she could be. Standing, Kouga followed her out. She wasn't anywhere he could see in the main caves, but that was no surprise. When she was really mad, she liked to go out the back way and mope in an old plum tree, tearing up the flowers one by one and cursing under her breath. That's where he looked, and that's where he found her.
"Go away." She spoke when he leapt up to sit beside her as she tore a blossom apart one petal at a time. The poor flowers, they must hate it when Kouga and Kagura fought. "Leave me alone."
"Yeah, right." He leaned back against the trunk and reached for one of the fragrant blossoms. It was easy enough to pick, and they did smell nice. Why Kagura, who loved flowers, would take her fury out on them was one of those things Kouga felt he'd never understand. He didn't mind, though. "Next I'll ask you to come down and you'll tell me to get down myself, and then you'll make some smartass comment about what I said. Then we'll sit here for the better part of an hour before you scold me for being thoughtless and cruel. After that, I'll tell you I'm sorry, you'll say that really, I'm not, but you appreciate the effort, since I obviously don't care at all. Next, I'll get pissed and leave you up here, and that'll last about another hour before I feel shitty and come back, begging you to come down. You'll throw something at me or just ignore me for a while, then you'll come down and say that I'm a hopelessly stupid male, but that since I obviously am so dependant on you, you'll deal with all my flaws for the time being."
Silence. He watched shreds of plum petals flutter down in the darkness.
"Can we just skip to the part where we're friends again?" he asked, his voice weary as he twirled the plum stem between two fingers. "I am sorry, you know. It was a stupid thing to say."
"Damn straight it was." She mumbled finally, tossing her leftover stem at him. Kouga sighed and closed his eyes. Patience. He must remember patience.
"I didn't mean it." He told her. "Just the way you don't mean it when you say you hate me."
"I do hate you." She answered, plucking another flower.
"Yeah, sure you do." He rolled his eyes. "So, what time do you want to leave tomorrow?"
"You think that's all I want from you?" she flicked a leave at his head. "You're so stupid."
"What do you want, Kagura?" he asked her. "How am I supposed to know? You won't tell me. You like moping too much."
"I'm not talking to you right now." She spoke after a long pause. "I'm still mad at you."
"Fine." He crossed his arms and settled in to his spot. "An hour, then?"
"I hate you so much." She grumbled. "You treat me like a child."
"We're not to the scolding yet." He pointed out. "We haven't been up here ten minutes yet."
"Fuck that, I'm skipping ahead." She told him. "It's gonna be a long day tomorrow and we need our rest."
"That's pretty thoughtful of you." He sighed. "Continue, then."
"You never think of anyone but yourself. You're so thoughtless." She went on.
"And cruel?" he supplied, barely concealing a chuckle.
"Fuck you." She sighed and dropped the remains of her plum blossom, reaching for another one. He cut her off, his own hand plucking the flower before she could.
"You know," he sniffed the flower lightly. "Why don't you just leave these poor things out of it? What have they done to you?" he reached forward and tucked it into her hair as she stared at him with wide eyes. "They look better like that then in pieces on the ground, anyway."
"You're stupid." She told him, her voice shaky.
"I know." He answered. "Good thing I have you to keep me in line."
"You're such an asshole." She continued.
"Yeah, well you're a total bitch." He reasoned. "Must be why we get along so well."
"I can't believe you called me a…usurper." Her voice cracked slightly. "Like you don't trust me at all. Like all I do is plot and sneak and…and…I hate you."
"You said that one already." He shifted, reaching for the girl on the next branch. "But you don't mean it."
"I do." She sounded muted with her face pressed to his shoulder, his arms pulling her close in a warm embrace. "You'll make me fall, stupid."
"Just say you don't mean it, and I'll stop bugging you." He answered, petting her hair smooth as he avoided crushing the flower. "Say you don't hate me. You know I don't like when you say that."
"That's why I say it." She answered, her voice still muffled as she let go of her branch and wrapped her arms around him, totally trusting him to not let her fall. "You piss me off, so I piss you off."
"I'm sorry, Kagura." He told her. "But you know, I think that if I was dying, and I still didn't have an heir, I'd leave the tribe to you. Everyone loves you. They'd follow you, even though you aren't a wolf."
"What about Ginta?" she asked.
"You're smarter than Ginta." He answered. "Better head for strategy. That's important. And I like you better."
"Better than Ginta?" she mumbled, sighing slightly. It felt dangerous, leaning against him in the middle of the air like this, but at the same time, it was a wonderful feeling. He wouldn't drop her, she knew. "He's known you since you two were babies."
"You understand me better." He told her. "It's like you said, anyway. Ginta would never leave an heir. You might."
"That's stupid, who would mate me?" she murmured. "Anyway, this fight is over. You win, I don't hate you."
"Thanks." He set her back on her branch carefully after kissing the top of her head. "Let's go to bed, then."
"I have to finish wrapping up the gifts." She managed as they both leapt down. Kouga caught her hand in his, his fingers tangling with hers. It was nice, walking like that. They did it every once in a while, when no one else was around, like now. It was so dark out, no one would be able to see them, anyway.
"I'll help you." He offered.
"You can watch. I don't want you wrapping them, you'll ruin all the paper." She squeezed his hand so he would know she was only teasing.
"You're probably right." He told her as they reentered the den and she dropped his hand to go back to her presents. "I can't believe you got Rin makeup. You're so terrible."
"I couldn't resist." Kagura winked at him and giggled. "It's only a little, and the cream is so pale pink that he probably wouldn't notice it when she wore it. It would just make her eyes look a little bigger, you know."
"I had nothing to do with that." He pointed as she deftly finished the little package, moving on to the next. They were mostly little trinkets, nothing too outrageous, all of them tasteful. Kagura was always tasteful. She saw beauty in things that other people would miss. It was one of her greatest gifts, and it made her all the more dear to him. "They'll miss you." He spoke as she moved on to the last gift. She looked up, great red eyes curious as to what he meant.
"Who?" she asked.
"The wolves, when we leave." He told her. "They really do like you, you know. I know you think that they're only acting because they're afraid of me, but they can't help it. No matter what happened, it's who you are, Kagura. Everyone loves you."
"That's silly." She rolled her eyes. "What about that old uncle who always asks me when I'm leaving?"
"Kagura, please." He pursed his lips. "Universal popularity doesn't exist."
"Everyone loves you." She challenged.
"What about that old auntie who always says it's a shame my father died without teaching me anything?" Kouga asked. Kagura giggled lightly.
"She's actually very sweet, when you get to know her. You just have to listen to her like everything she says is important. That's all she wants." Kagura advised him.
"Thanks, advisor." He teased. "Any other bits of counsel for this hopeless leader?"
"Hmm," she considered, tying her wrapping with a length of string. "You should think things through more before you say them, or you could hurt someone's feelings."
"Good advice." He nodded firmly as though committing it to memory. "Anything else?"
"Don't let your pride get in the way of happiness." She sounded serious this time. "If we do see Kagome, tell her how you feel. She'll listen."
"Kagura, please don't start that again." Kouga grumbled, getting up just as she stood. "It isn't like I'm dying. I can take my time."
"You could have been with Ayame, years ago." She pointed out. "Of course, I think that would have been a bad decision, speaking as an advisor."
"Oh really?" he prompted her, smiling lightly again.
"Think, if Ginta loved her, she loved you, and you loved someone else altogether, how well would that arrangement turn out?" Kagura shook a finger like a lecturing mother.
I know that you love her, and that's okay. I'm not angry about it anymore. I'm happy for you, really.
Why was he thinking of that right now? It was almost the last thing Ayame had ever said to him, and he still didn't know what she meant by it. At the time, he had loved Kagome, he supposed. Now, he just…didn't. Not anymore. It had been so long, he was sure that the ache she gave his heart had gone away altogether. Having Kagura there helped. Being busy with the tribe helped as well. It would be stupid for Ayame to be happy that he loved Kagome, though. Everyone knew that Kagome only saw Inuyasha. It was a miserable thing to love someone who would never love you. Ayame knew about that. Why would she say that?
"And besides all that, Ayame was still so young, who's to say she wouldn't change her mind and switch her attentions to Ginta, who would obviously be able to give her more in return. Even if she didn't love him at first, she'd grow into it, I think. She just wanted someone to love her, to place her above everything else. Ginta was willing to do that. You weren't. It's a simple enough problem if you look at it that way." She was still talking about it, he realized.
But then, Ayame hadn't said Kagome. Well, she'd said "her." That could have meant any one of the females that they were traveling with. Not Ayame, obviously. And if it was Kagome, how would that make her happy, unless she harbored some hidden vengeance towards him that he'd never known about before now. Kikyo, Kanna, Rin, Sango, those were out of the question. Kanna and Rin were little girls, Kikyo was a dead woman, Sango was in love with Miroku, and he never showed interest in those girls anyway. That only left Kagura. Kagura, who he had lived with like there was nothing odd about the situation for eight years. Kagura, who he never touched, but who he shared a den with. Kagura, who always knew what he was feeling even when he didn't know it. Kagura, who could drive him crazy with a look. Kagura, whose smile could light up his day. Kagura, who he kept all to himself and guarded jealously from the outside. Even when other members of the tribe spoke to her or were close with her, he could feel jealousy twist in his stomach like a poisonous worm. It was never something that really bothered him, never something he really gave much thought to. Kagura was Kagura, and everyone cared for her, so why shouldn't he place her above all others? Why should he think about Kagome when Kagura was there, and she needed him like he needed her? He realized then, that Kagura was still talking, but he wasn't even listening, he was just letting her voice wash over him and staring at her lips, and how many times had he spaced off like this before? He knew he had done it hundreds of times. Pretty soon she'd notice that he wasn't paying attention and tell him to go to bed, call him a name or something for not listening to her, like he just didn't care.
He did care, though. He cared for her more than anyone else. Even Kagome. And if he had loved Kagome, and even she was second to Kagura, then didn't that mean that he loved Kagura?
Had Ayame known that, all those years ago? Amazing, he'd never thought her to be so perceptive. No one else had noticed. Well…Ginta and Hakkaku teased him about living with her, about what it could be that kept them in one den when there was plenty of room for Kagura in another den. He'd never really thought of it before. Feelings were things that confused him and sometimes seemed to contradict themselves, so he ignored them.
It was true, though. He loved her. He was in love with Kagura. No wonder he didn't want to go visit the others. He was afraid she'd ignore him the whole time. He was afraid Kagome would want him, and then he'd have to get Kagura a new den for sure. They couldn't live together if he had a mate. It would be a stupid thing to do.
Kouga was well aware that he was impulsive. He didn't think things through, sometimes. Like at that moment, Kagura had just noticed that look in his eyes, that dazed look that said he was hearing her without listening. "What did I just say, Kouga?" she sounded slightly annoyed. "You weren't listening, were you? I just don't know what goes on in your head sometimes. You're right there in front of me, but your thoughts are a million miles away, just like you don't—"
His mind said to make her stop before she said he didn't care. He hated when she said that, it made him feel terrible, like when she said that she hated him. Just because it wasn't true and they both knew it didn't mean the words were painless to his ears. So he stopped her. On reflection, he could have just interrupted with an apology. She liked apologies, they meant she was right and he knew it. He could have held up a hand or something. Instead, he kissed her.
He had just grabbed her shoulders and leaned in so fast she didn't know what was happening until his lips were working against hers, his tongue brushing against lips that tasted like flowers and the honey she put in her tea, and she was so surprised she let the tongue inside her own mouth, tasting her eagerly as she felt her legs shaking. She couldn't stand, she knew it, but even if she fainted, he was holding her so tight she wouldn't fall. And he tasted like oranges and cinnamon, and she felt like her face was going to catch fire, and he just kept kissing her, and wasn't he running out of air yet? She couldn't breathe, she couldn't really think, she couldn't stand, and what was he doing with his tongue? Where did he even learn that? She let out a sound, something between a purr and a moan, and that just set him off even worse than before. He pressed against her so tightly she thought their bodies, hot as they were, would melt into one, and what was that pressing against her like some sort of…
She leapt back, terrified and mortified all at once, her hand going to her mouth immediately, tears welling in her eyes for no reason. Stupid, now is no time to start crying like a baby. No wonder he treats you like a child, you act like one. She told her mind to shut up and mind its own damn business. Her legs were still unsteady, and she stumbled back until she hit her head on the wall of the den. "Ow," was the first thing she said, and she felt on reflection that it was likely the most idiotic reaction to a kiss ever in the history of kissing.
"I…I just…" Kouga looked like his eyes were going to fall out of his face. "I'm sorry…did I…are you okay?" he stepped forward and she felt her eyes widen. He must have thought she was afraid, and on some level, she was, because he stopped, biting his lip. "Kagura, really, I don't know…I'm sorry, okay? I wasn't…thinking."
"I…" Kagura had to say something to communicate to Kouga what she was feeling, the swirl of heat and emotion in her, the way her lips were swollen and she could still taste him and she liked that taste, she hadn't expected him to taste that way, though she'd never really thought about it. What was the point of thinking pointless things like that? "I…think it's time for bed."
"Yeah." He looked really disappointed as he left, and she didn't know what it was she was supposed to say, but she hadn't said it.
She felt cold that night, and she had a hard time getting sleep. Once she did get some, all she could see in her dreams was that kiss.
The End (Of Part 26, That Is)