Okay, that was less sad, wasn't it? At least no one died this time. I think it's because every time I would feel sad, I'd just look at my pretty Suzaku seishi poster, and see the boys all pretty and smiling at me, and so cute and loveable, and then I was happy again. Plus, "Into the West" wasn't playing. Better hope it doesn't come back up on the play list before I finish this story. It's funny how some songs can touch us so deeply, evoke such feelings. My writing is oftentimes influenced by whatever is playing while I write, so when I'm doing something happy, I try to skip the sad songs, and vice versa. Judging from my stories, I think I have more sad music. Oh well, music is sound, something ephemeral and intangible, no matter that business about sound waves and resonance curves and on and on. Damn physics, makes everything that seems so happily mysterious into something cataloged and predictable and writes equations for it so I have to remember them. But I never have to take physics again, and so I never will, and even if it can make the world make sense, I don't want it to make perfect sense. I enjoy the mystery of never being sure…
Something Is Real
Part 27
"I'm still sorry that it's been so long." Kagura tilted her head to one side, smiling warmly at Sesshoumaru and Rin. Jaken had left an hour ago to feed Ah-Un and hadn't come back. Rin had apologetically told Kagura and Kouga that he wasn't a big one for company, and he didn't mean anything by it. She had grown up, in more ways than one. Rin had come into her own, and her body was that of a mature woman of twenty, not that of a twelve-year-old girl. She seemed slightly thinner than Kagura would have expected, almost frail in appearance, but she had no trouble carrying around the rambunctious toddler that was at her heels almost constantly. Tsugite was his name, and he had a younger sister that was apparently napping, Shouki. Kagura had been surprised at that for approximately ten seconds before she decided that Sesshoumaru had always loved the girl, and this was just something that had grown and changed as she had grown and changed. So it made sense. And hadn't Rin always said she'd marry him when she grew up? It had seemed like a funny thing at the time. Now it had happened.
"We never visited, either." Rin assured her. "I suppose life can get busy, and you can forget about other things. Friends, comrades, that sort of thing. It's something we too often take for granted."
"Indeed, Rin." Sesshoumaru seemed as utterly dignified as ever, and just as agelessly beautiful. "It is regrettable that we cut bonds with no thought for the result."
"Did you two want to visit Inuyasha's grave?" she asked, leaning forward a bit, her eyes bright grey. "It's a short walk, you know. No one ever visits it except us, but I doubt anyone else realizes it's here. I'm sure Kagome would love to see it."
"I haven't seen Kagome in a long time." Kouga spoke up, and Kagura fought the urge to look at him. If she did, she'd start blushing, and that would be embarrassing, most definitely. "We don't know if we'll be able to find her, since she lived in another country and only visited here to find the jewel."
"Of course, that would be impossible anymore." Sesshoumaru nodded slightly. "Naraku took the better part of it to hell with him, and the rest is in her possession. Unless he was reincarnated in the same way as Kikyo, and she was able to recover it at that point…but perhaps it is better if it remains hidden. It caused nothing but grief to those who hunted it."
"That's all too true." Rin agreed. "Sad, though. She never finished her mission, and she never got to have any sort of happy ending. It must be horrible for her."
"Yeah." Kouga agreed.
"It'd be nice to see her, to be sure she's getting along all right now." Kagura spoke softly, finishing the cup of tea that Jaken had made when they had arrived. It was funny that he still acted as a sort of nursemaid. Kagura certainly wouldn't want a little toad feeding her children. Not that she would have children. No one would ever want her. Well, except maybe Kouga. But that was a mistake, last night, wasn't it? He'd been tired and confused, thinking about Kagome. Oh great, now she was blushing again.
"Are you all right?" Rin asked, leaning in again. "You're all red."
"Oh, the tea's a bit hot still." She lied, not like it would hurt anyone. "Now, let's go see his grave, then."
"And you will have to stay the night here, it is getting late." Rin smiled as she stood, scooping up a fussing Tsugite and kissing his silver locks lovingly. "We would love to have you, wouldn't we?"
"Mm." Was all the affirmation that Sesshoumaru gave as he stood, taking the child from Rin so he wouldn't tire her. It was a bit odd to see him hold a little child in his arms like that, but oddly appealing. Something about men and babies…Kagura shook herself, she better not start down that track again.
The walk to Inuyasha's grave was indeed rather short, and when they reached it, Kagura lingered for some time, hoping that Kouga would get tired of it and go back, but he was standing right next to her, and when she moved to turn away finally, her hand brushed against hers. And she was blushing. Again. Stupid man with his kissing her and making her think weird things. She'd have to kill him once she could meet his eyes without going red.
Jaken made a surprisingly good dinner, but Kagura supposed he'd been cooking and such for Sesshoumaru and Rin for long enough to know what he was doing, so she shouldn't be all that shocked that his food was edible, and even tasty. Of course, practice had never improved her skills, but she supposed it was just a block of some sort. Every time she tried to cook, all she could think about was Kanna and Kikyo helping her and telling her not to do this and to add more of that and be careful of the other thing, and she got distracted and ruined it. Oh well. At least she didn't have to cook her own food. That would have ended badly.
After dinner, they stayed up talking for some time while the toad put Tsugite to bed. Mostly, Kagura and Rin talked while Sesshoumaru and Kouga sat back and digested and watched them. Kagura tried not to think about that too hard. Then Rin announced it was time for bed, and that Jaken would show them to their room. She left with Sesshoumaru, and Kouga and Kagura stood to follow Jaken. He led them to a door and left. It was only one door. Kagura made the mistake of giving Kouga a confused look, which of course ended in her blushing horribly. Again. She decided to stop thinking about things so much and opened the door. Inside, there was a rather large room with one rather large bed. One bed.
"Oh no…they must have thought…" Kagura couldn't even bring herself to say what they had thought about Kouga and her, because when she started talking, she remembered the night before and felt her face catch fire again. She really hated blushing. It was obviously an evil invention made to make women suffer. That was when she peeked at Kouga and saw that he, too, was blushing deeply. "What do we do?" They would never find Jaken again in this ridiculously huge castle, and she didn't want to find Sesshoumaru and Rin. That could be traumatizing.
"Well…this is a castle, right? There's got to be hundreds of rooms. You stay here, I'll find another one." Kouga suggested.
"What if you can't find one? What if you get lost?" she asked, eyes large, face still red. It helped to know that he was blushing too. It made her feel slightly less foolish.
"I'm not totally inept." He told her. "It's not like we can stay in here together."
"I could go find another one." She suggested. "Or…sleep on the floor!"
"Why are you even fighting me on this? I thought you were still mad about last night." He grumbled, blushing deeper than ever. "Don't you want me to leave?"
"I just…I'm not…mad, really." She felt like she was going to melt into the floor and die. This was so mortifying. "Just…embarrassed. I didn't expect you to just…yeah."
"I'm sorry." He scratched the back of his head, feeling stupid. "I just…thought…"
"I don't want to be discarded." She explained, digging at the floor with her toe. "I don't want to be used again."
"Kagura…" he felt the blood drain from his face all at once. "I never…never…"
"You were thinking of Kagome, I know." She waved at him dismissively. "So let's just pretend it never happened and be friends again, okay?"
"I wasn't thinking of Kagome." He spoke after a long silence as she was splitting up the blankets and pillows on the bed and tossing half to the floor. She froze, her hand still on a large pillow. "I wasn't thinking of her, Kagura." Kagura didn't say anything. Kouga licked his lips and stepped toward her, though he still could only see the side of her face. "I was thinking…Ayame said something long ago, right before she died."
"What?" Kagura sounded annoyed, possibly angry, and definitely irate. "What are you trying to say?"
"She said…that I loved someone, and she was happy, and I thought she meant Kagome at the time I guess, but that's stupid because if anyone knows what it's like to love someone who doesn't love you, it's Ayame, and why would it make her happy for me if I was going through it too? And I thought about it and I realized that she didn't mean Kagome. She meant you. Because I loved you, Kagura. I still do." He felt like his entire stomach was a knot pulled unbearably tight. Kagura dropped the pillow. Silence stretched out. Ten minutes. Twenty. No one spoke. Finally, she turned to face him.
"Don't say stupid things." She told him, not meeting his eyes. "I've got the floor, you're in the bed. Let's get some sleep."
"No!" he stomped one foot down, his anger surprising even himself. "No. Don't just ignore me. I meant it, Kagura. I'm in love with you. Not Kagome, or Ayame, or anyone else. Just you."
"But…why?" she asked, her eyes honest and vulnerable as she finally looked up. "Why me?"
"Because. Kagura is Kagura, and she's the one most important to me." He stated sharply, like he was issuing an edict. "And I'm not sorry I kissed you because it was great, and if you try and tell me that you didn't like it, I'll know you're lying. Just…please." He slowed, reaching forward, and resting a hand on her shoulder. "For once, don't fight me on this. Please. You always win. Every damn fight we have, you always win. Let me win this one time. Tell me that you don't hate me."
"I…don't hate you." She breathed slowly. It was important to remember to breathe. "I never did."
"Tell me…you believe me when I say I love you." He continued.
"I…I…" Kagura tried to look away from him, but he grabbed her chin with his free hand and wouldn't let her look away. "I believe you."
"And?" he prompted her. "What…do you feel?"
"I feel…confused." She answered finally. "I want you to love me, but that's stupid, because I don't deserve it. Not after what I did. But you're the most important thing in my life, and after everything, you stayed with me and cared for me when I was nearly dead inside myself, and you made it better. And I don't see how you can love me, because I'm mean to you sometimes. I care about you so much, I'm scared to lose you, and I think…if I just tease you and yell at you and push you away, I won't hurt when you leave. But it doesn't work that way, does it?"
"No…no it doesn't." he was so close to her, it was impossible to think. "Do you love me?"
"I…don't know." She admitted. He wanted her to say yes, surely, but he didn't want her to lie. Not about this. "I don't really understand it."
"It's okay." He let his hand drift from her chin, up to her cheek, brushing back a strand of hair that had escaped her ponytail. "You can take your time. Just…"
"What?" she prompted after he drifted off.
"Let me kiss you now." His voice was soft, pleading. He needed to kiss her, and she wondered if he'd be able to resist even if she said no. His mouth was already so close to hers, gravitating towards it with every breath. "Please, Kagura. Just one kiss."
"A goodnight kiss?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper. Where had she heard that before? Shippo used to ask Kagome for goodnight kisses, she thought that might be it. It hardly mattered now. What mattered was that she could taste Kouga already, they were that close, breath intermingling.
"Yeah." He didn't nod. He didn't have space for a nod. His hand had at some point left her face for her hair. And her ponytail was gone. That was mysterious. She didn't remember feeling the tug on her hair. His other hand was cupping her hip, like he was afraid she'd change her mind at this point and try to run.
"Okay." As soon as she said it, his mouth was on hers, moving slowly, softer than what she remembered last night. Not so urgent this time. Like he was savoring the moment, letting it stretch out into eternity, and just concentrating on how her mouth felt on his and how his must feel on hers. Experimentally, she moved her lips in response, and the response was immediate. His kiss became possessive, hungry, like he wanted to devour her so no one else could ever see her or touch her or taste her in this way. It was scary, but at the same time…it felt good. So good. And then he was in her mouth, and his tongue was there, and it had seemed so strange yesterday, but now she just wanted to get closer to him, to taste him better, and even if she was clumsy, she tried to kiss him back. She forgot about everything else, and the whole universe was Kouga and his mouth and his hands in her hair, on her hip, and he was so hot, pressed against her like that, and then he finally pulled back, gasping, and looking like his face would catch fire. It wasn't hard to figure out why, as he nearly fled the room.
Kagura shrugged, trying to calm the racing heartbeat that was so fast and so hard she could hear nothing else, and she combed her hair out and cleaned her face in the wash basin on the far side of the room. Kouga was back just as she was arranging the blanket and pillows on the floor.
"I'm on the floor." He insisted, looking a bit strained, but much more in control of himself than right after the kiss. "You can have the bed, Kagura."
"Why?" she blinked at him. "I don't mind it."
"Neither do I." He told her. "But what kind of a man let's a woman sleep on the floor while he's in a proper bed?"
"Um…a smart one?" she guessed.
"Just get in the bed, Kagura." He pressed the issue, and she figured that it couldn't hurt.
"You…could sleep in here, too." She told him after tucking herself in. "It is really pretty big. I wouldn't mind."
"I…don't think that's a good idea." He answered, affording her a tight smile. "Let's just try to get some sleep, okay? Tomorrow we can go see if we can find Sango and Miroku."
"Kohaku's probably with them. Maybe Shippo, too." She smiled softly. "It'll be good to see them all."
"Yeah." He moved to put out the lanterns before climbing into his own makeshift bed. "That would be good."
As long as Kagura was happy, he didn't care who the hell they found or didn't find. He couldn't believe he'd confessed to her, but it seemed stupid to hide it after he'd realized it, after he'd kissed her. And she had let him kiss her again. She'd kissed back. She said he was most important to her.
He had hope.
Hope could be a very good thing.
The End (Of Part 27, That Is)