A/N: Hey guys. Here comes scene 3 & 4. I'm distressed, really distressed.
Why? I just got FLAMED!!!! Thanks for RUINING my day! This story has been a
Trory from the beginning so I don't know why you're complaining NOW! BUT,
since I'm a NICE person, I'm going to make a Literati with my NEXT story!
Thanx to Tiz-nd-Az-nd-Princezz for saying I'm a talented writer even though
I think it's a bunch of B.S., but you still made me feel a lil better!!
Anyway, I know that you all don't really like this story from the negative
reviewage (I know that's not a word) that I've been getting. And I don't
blame you, I'm just a lil sad, that's all. But, for MY sanity, I'm gonna
finish these last chapters, and stop writing for a while unless I really
get inspired. Don't pity me, I'm fine, really. just a lil distressed but
FINE. Oh, btw I have to give a big shoutie to piper-h-99 cuz she wrote
"update" 2,400 times, give or take a few!!! OMG, that soo made me feel
better! I'm jumping up and down for JOY! And I've officially used waaay to
many question marks!
Okay guys, maybe if I tell you who the characters are it will make it less confusing.Shorty-Jess, Duke-Tristan, Arthur-Mike, Antolina-Rory, Loretta- Paris, Cuca- Louise.
Scene #3; a short while later. Arthur is preparing to leave.
ARTHUR: Let's see.I have my allergy pills.my speech. (Doorbell rings. He opens door. Cuca enters, carrying a large dress box.)
CUCA: Hello, Arthur. Are the MacDermotts here? I've brought Loretta's costume for tomorrow. Oh, what a day I've had! I've been on the phone for hours with every mother on the P.T.A. The whole town's buzzing over those two escaped convicts. Isn't it exciting? I hear one of them has an eidetic memory and-
ARTHUR: I could certainly use that today.seems everybody's got a memory around here but me!
CUCA: (She starts toward bedroom.) I'll just bring this in to Lore-
ARTHUR: She's not in there. She went down to the club with those friends of yours; something to do with that ridiculous skit of hers.
CUCA: Well, I'll have Antolina-
ARTHUR: She's out, too. Had to go borrow a habit, she said-
CUCA: You mean, you're alone?
ARTHUR: Completely, yes. (She puts down dress box from couch. They look at each other; grab each other in a passionate embrace. They kiss wildly.)
CUCA: Oh, Arthur, I can't go on like this. I need you-
ARTHUR: Neither can I. I want you, desperately. I need you, too. I-
CUCA: I want you, Arthur!
ARTHUR: I love you, Cuca. I must have you! I-
CUCA: I love you, too!! I- (She pulls away from him.) Arthur! What's wrong with you? You look terrible! Your neck is all puffed up. And your eyes! Your eyes are-
ARTHUR: That sadistic witch you call my wife fed me the one thing she knew would make me sorry for my very existence. It's taken me over an hour to put my shoes back on; my feet were so- she wanted me to be sick for my acceptance speech tomorrow.
CUCA: That's it, Arthur! It's one thing when she insists on making you life the hell it is, but when she intentionally feeds you something to make you ill.! Arthur.? Were you serious about getting rid of Loretta? If you were absolutely certain that no one could suspect you? Us?
ARTHUR: In the wink of an eye if I could figure out how-
CUCA: Good! I've got an idea. It came to me this morning while we were rehearsing-
ARTHUR: I don't doubt it. One look at Loretta's lousy Juliet would make anybody want to kill her.
CUCA: I'm serious, Arthur. As long as she's alive, I know you'll never leave her. But if we sort of "help her along" she'll be out of our lives forever, and we can end this crazy charade. Now, in that death scene, she has to drink the liquid from Romeo's cup. Don't you have anything at the pharmacy that will poison her without leaving a trail back to you?
ARTHUR: Darling, you're brilliant! I know just the thing. I'll make it look like she simply took an overdose of the wrong medications. It could happen to anyone. And you know when Loretta's been drinking; she'll swallow anything. No one could suspect. But how do you keep old Romeo from taking it? Doesn't he drink from it first?
CUCA: Just leave that to me. I'm in charge of the props for the show. A simple switching of the bottles will do the trick. I have the prop bottle right here. (She takes a small flask out of her purse and puts it on bar. Loretta's laugh is heard at the front door. Cuca sneaks out through the French doors.) I'll see you later. (Loretta enter arm in arm with Shorty. Duke follows them in. They are laughing.)
DUKE: .And so the hunchback says to the elephant: Well, if I could walk that way, I wouldn't be up here, either! Get it?
LORETTA: Oh, Duke! You're too divine! (She sees Arthur, and stops laughing. She pulls away from them.) Arthur. You're still here?
ARTHUR: (Slips flask from bar into pocket.) I was on my way out. I'll be earning a living for us if your highness needs me. By the way. Cuca brought you dress over. It's I that box on the couch. Now if you all will excuse me.(He hobbles out the front door.)
LORETTA: Good riddance! (Loretta goes back to bar.) Now, boys, I thought we might have a little cocktail to loosen us up before dinner. Duke?
DUKE: It's a little early, but.sure! I'll take whatever you're havin'.
LORETTA: Shorty?
SHORTY: No, thanks, I'm fine.
LORETTA: Well, I'll drink to that! Come on.just a quick one?
DUKE: Go on, Romeo. Just a short one! Get it? (Duke and Loretta break into laughter. She pours three bourbons.)
SHORTY: Keep it zipped, shutter brain! (Loretta brings the three shots and hands them each a glass. Shorty raises his for a toast.) What the hell?!! To the fair Juliet!
LORETTA: As old King Lear once said: Down the hatch! (She swallows it in one gulp, pours another. Antolina enters at front door. She carries a dress box, and a bag of groceries.) Oh, Antolina! There you are. Where have you been?
ANTOLINA: I go to pick up my costume for the other scene I do. It's very too beautiful, Senora. After dinner, I show it to you. Sister Consuelo de la Rosa tell me with it on, I look like saint. I go to start prepare dinner. It will be a "sorpresa". A surprise! I no let you in kitchen tonight. How many peoples will be?
LORETTA: I've invited the boys to stay for dinner; only the four of us. Won't that be romantic?
ANTOLINA: And Senor Littlefield?
LORETTA: After today's lunch, I don't think he'll risk dinner.
ANTOLINA: Oh, I almost forget. I pass him on the way home. (She hands Loretta the flask.) Senor Littlefield say he make for you. It is a new brand of Hungary Water for your head.
LORETTA: He just left. How did he.?
ANTOLINA: He say don't drink yet. Tonight he bring home the powder to mix it. (Loretta opens flask, sniffs, grimaces.)
LORETTA: New brand? Whew! Smells like gasoline! I hope it works better than it (She puts it down on bar.)
ANTOLINA: Oh, don't worry, Senora. Senor Littlefield say one bottle of this, you never have headache again. I go now to start dinner.
DUKE: Can I help you with that? (He takes groceries. They go into kitchen.)
ANTOLINA: Oh, of course, Senor Duke. Mi cocina es su cocina.
LORETTA: Shorty, be a sweetheart and get me my Juliet headpiece? It's on the chair in the bedroom.right through there. She points to her bedroom. Loretta empties flask into flower vase, fills flask with bourbon. Shorty shouts offstage.)
SHORTY: I don't' see anythin' in here. Where'd ya say it was?
LORETTA: (She takes a sip of bourbon, tiptoes to kitchen door, peeks in. Darts over to mirror, adjusting her neckline to look more alluring. Fixes her hair quickly, then tiptoes toward bedroom.) Oh, stay right there! I'll look for it myself! (She exits to bedroom.)
(Blackout)
Scene #4; Later that evening, after dinner. Laughter and singing (Cielito Lindo) is heard from kitchen.
ANTOLINA, LORETTA, DUKE & SHORTY: Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay! Canta y no llores! Porque cantando se alegran, Cielito Lindo, los corazones! Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay!! (Arthur enters at front door, looks around, and hears them in kitchen. Crosses quickly to bar, takes vial from pocket, mixes it into flask on bar, replaces flask. Loretta and other start to come from kitchen, Arthur rushes to armchair, grabs a magazine, pretends to read.)
SHORTY: That dinner was out of this world, wasn't it, Duke? It's been a long time since we had some nice home cooked meals. And the company of two beautiful ladies such as yourselves is more than we could
ARHUTR: Excuse me!! (They notice Arthur.) If I could ask hat you two are still doing here? Do we have to endure your medieval monkeyshines all night?
LORETTA: Arthur! The MacDerMotts are my guests! I would appreciate it if you would show them some respect!! (Antolina is fussing over Duke.)
ARTHUR: What I'd like to show them is the door! Antolina, bring me some coffee, if that wouldn't put you out in any way? Antolina! Some coffee? Café?!?!? (She goes into kitchen) And shouldn't you two gentlemen be getting back to your hotel?
LORETTA: Honestly, Arthur, you're so rude. The boys are staying and that's final! Besides, now that I have my costume, I thought we'd try it one more time. Sort of a dress rehearsal, all right, boys?
DUKE: Sounds great to me. (Shouts to Antolina in kitchen) Anymore of that lemon pie left? (an: Guys and their eating habits.)
SHORTY: If thou desirest, my sweet, we'll linger till the cockcrows-
ARTHUR: (Mimicking Shorty) We'll linger till the cockcrows! Have you forgotten, Loretta, that you invited Cuca to play cards tonight? (Antolina enters with pie for Duke. Arthur reaches for his coffee, she runs back for it.)
LORETTA: Oh, so what? We can play teams! And she'll love the chance to spend an evening with the boys. She hasn't seen them in a while. (At the mention of Cuca, Shorty starts to panic.)
SHORTY: On second thought, ya know, maybe Arthur here is right. We really should get back, Loretta! It's been a long day and I'm kinda beat; Come on, Duke! We gotta run! (Shorty takes plate from Duke, puts it down, and starts to pull him to front door.)
DUKE: Hey, wait a minute! I got to say goodnight to Antolina. (Goes to kitchen.) (an: Awww, how loyal! Good doggy!)
LORETTA: You know, you boys don't have to rush off like this. Cuca will be so sorry she missed you. But you'll see her tomorrow at the club.
SHORTY: Yeah, yeah, tomorrow at the club. Come on Duke!! (Duke comes back with Antolina. Doorbell rings. Shorty pushes Duke and Antolina back into kitchen, follows them.)
SHORTY: How's about another cup o' coffee for the road? (As Duke exits, Cuca enters at front door)
CUCA: Good evening, Arthur. You're looking better. I see the swelling has gone down. Hello, Loretta. Did you have a nice day with the boys? (Whispers to Arthur) And did you bring home that "thing" we discussed? (To Loretta) I'm so sorry I couldn't be here for lunch. I've been running around all day. Last minute preparations, there's so much to be done, you know!
ARTHUR: (Whispers to Cuca) It's the bottle on the bar. (Aloud) Oh, yes. She's getting along famously with the both of them. As a matter of fact, Shorty has developed quite an attachment to Loretta
LORETTA: Well, that's more than can be said for you, Arthur!
ARTHUR: And Duke and Antolina seem to be thick as thieves. I'd say
CUCA: I'm afraid you mean Luke
LORETTA: Whatever it is, dear.what was it Othello said? A rose by any other name.?
CUCA: No, dear! Why, in fact, that was
LORETTA: Anyhow, you've arrived just in the nick! They were about to leave. They're inside having coffee.maybe you could persuade them to stay! But first, come into the bedroom. I want to show you the headpiece I'm wearing tomorrow. It's too, too divine. (They go into bedroom.)
ARTHUR: I'm going out back to work on the sprinklers. (Antolina and Duke enter from kitchen.)
ANTOLINA: One minute more, will you, Duke? I want to show you costume I wear for my part in other scene. I will be right back. (Exits to hall)
ARTHUR: Good thing you stayed, after all. Your old friend Cuca is in the bedroom with Loretta. (Arthur exits to patio. Shorty enters.)
SHORTY: Get a move on, Lover Boy! Let's blow this pop stand!
DUKE: Hold on a sec, Shorty. Antolina wants me to see what she's wearin' for the show.
SHORTY: Well, we're gonna be back in stripes if we don't get our tails outta here quick!
DUKE: But that Cuca lady is in the bedroom with Miss Loretta. Don't you wanna meet her?
SHORTY: Are you nuts, or somethin'? If she sees us, she's gonna know we're not those guys they think we are. We'll be back in the pen in nothin' flat! Come on let's get outta here. We can go out the back. We'll take Arthur's car till we find somethin' better. (They grab tow of Arthur's hats from top shelf of closet and pull them low over their faces. They run out through French doors. Loretta and Cuca enter. Loretta wears ridiculous Juliet costume, and headpiece, which covers her ears. Attached to front is a veil, which covers her face; Cuca leads her in.)
LORETTA: (Speaks loudly; she can't hear herself.) Shorty thought the veil might be too much, but what the hell! You only die once! (She laughs.)
CUCA: (To herself) And not a moment too soon.
LORETTA: What dear?
CUCA: I said, that veil will make men swoon!
LORETTA: Oh, I know! Let's see how it works on my Romeo. Help me up on the bar. (Cuca helps her up; Loretta nocks over flask. Cuca picks it up and hands it to her.)
CUCA: Here, dear! Use this as the poison, for now.
LORETTA: Oh, maybe just a little to steady my nerves. (Takes flask drinks it all. Sways, then steadies herself.) Goodness, I must have taken it too fast. Here, take this sheet and cover me. I want my costume to be a surprise for when the boys come back in.
CUCA: Oh, they'll be surprised all right. (Loretta lies down. Coca covers her with sheet. She hears Anatolian singing offstage. She steps behind bar and calls to Anatolian.) Anatolian? Are the boys in there with you?
ANTOLINA: (Offstage) No, Senora. Maybe they in kitchen with Senor Littlefield
CUCA: Where are you? You tow adorable hunks of manhood! (She goes to kitchen. Shorty and Duke run in from patio. They are soaking wet.)
DUKE: Gee! I didn't hear it start to rain
SHORTY: Those were the sprinklers, stupid! Didn't you see Littlefield out there wavin' that wrench over his head and dancin' around like some crazed suburban medicine man?
DUKE: I thought he was wavin' goodbye! Now what are we gonna do? We can't very well steal his car with him out there!
SHORTY: Let's try the kitchen door. It leads right to the driveway! (They run into kitchen; Duke first, Shorty behind him. Cuca screams, The boys run out: Shorty first; runs into bedroom; Duke directly behind him; runs into hallway; Cuca runs out of kitchen and out to the patio, screaming.)
CUCA: Arthur! Arthur!! It's them! The convicts! The escapees! They're in the house! I saw them! Call the police!! (Antolina runs in. She is dressed as Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception. She wears a floor length white robe, gathered above the waist by a sky-blue sash. Over this, she wears a sky-blue, floor length cape, which covers her shoulders and arms. Over her hair, she wears a white veil, which comes down past her shoulders and arms. In her sleeves are two flashlights hidden from view. They are lit, so the effect is that of a "heavenly light" emanating from her hands. She runs around living room, screaming. Shorty runs in from bedroom, disguised in one of Loretta's dressing gowns.)
ANTOLINA: Senor Shorty! Hurry, please! There is two criminals in the house! Senora Callaghan say to call the police! Where is Senora Littlefield?
SHORTY: Never mind her. Where is Duke?
ANTOLINA: He go in my room. I think he try on costume. (Shorty runs into hall to her room.) Senora Littlefield? Where is Senora Littlefield? (She starts to run after Shorty, notices body on bar, stops short. She is afraid to look. Picks up corner of sheet. Shakes Loretta.) Senora! Get up! There is criminals in your house! Get up, Senora!! (Loretta does not move. Antolina screams, throws sheet over her again, and runs into her room. Cuca and Arthur run in from patio. Arthur carries a garden rake as a spear, Cuca carries a large, hand pumped bug spray can.)
CUCA: I tell you, I saw them, Arthur! I recognize them from their pictures in the paper!
ARTHUR: Now, calm down, Cuca! They aren't criminals! Those are the Macdermotts! Get a hold of yourself!
CUCA: Don't tell me to get a hold of myself! I saw them. They were right there!
ARTHUR: I tell you, those are your friends! If you don't believe me, ask Loretta! Where's Loretta?
CUCA: Oh, good heavens! I forgot about Loretta! Arthur, I did it!
ARTHUR: Did what? In the name of Hippocrates, Cuca! What's come over you?!!
CUCA: I gave her the poison. She's right over there.
ARTHUR: You did what? When? Are you sure?
(During the following dialogue between Arthur and Cuca, a frantic pantomime is seen on the patio, through the French doors. Shorty runs by and tries to climb over the fence, but can't. He runs back to get Duke. They both reappear. Duke tries to help Shorty over the fence. Antolina runs over, she grabs Duke. She is seen explaining to Duke and Shorty that Loretta is dead. She tries to pull Duke back into the house, while Shorty pulls him away, toward the fence. Duke mimes the overheard telephone call when he heard Arthur planning the murder; they all realize Arthur is the murderer.)
ARTHUR: Well, I'll be.when did you do it?
CUCA: When you were out in the yard. I saw the chance and I took it! But what are we going to do about those men? They could be dangerous!
ARTHUR: Relax, my love. Those men you saw were Duke and Shorty Macdermott. (He tries to calm her down.) Maybe they had their costumes on. I think the excitement of this "business" with Loretta has you all confused. (He leads her to armchair, sits her down)
CUCA: I am not confused. I know what I saw. I was face to face with the tall one. The one with eh memory
ARTHUR: Wait a minute! What did you say?
CUCA: One of them has a photographic memory! I told you that this afternoon. (Arthur suddenly realizes what she's saying. On the patio, the three have become entangled into one form: Antolina had climbed onto Duke, piggyback style, in an effort to prevent his leaving; and Shorty has his arms around Duke's waist, trying to pull him away.)
ARTHUR: Oh, my God! You're right! We have to call the police right away!
(He runs to phone, picks up receiver. Then he looks over at Loretta and slams phone down.) We can't call the police! How do we explain.? (Cuca finally sees the three on the patio; she screams.
CUCA: There they are! Quick, Arthur! They've got Antolina!
(They both run out to the patio. They attack Duke and Shorty. A short fight ensues with much shouting until they all fall in through the open French doors onto the living room floor. Arthur picks up the garden rake and threatens Shorty with it. Shorty grabs Cuca from behind, one arm around her waist, the other around her neck, using her as a human shield. They circle the couch slowly. Antolina is hysterical, alternately shouting and crying over Loretta's body.)
ANTOLINA: Help! Call the police! Policia! They kill the Senora! They kill the Senora!
DUKE: Now, calm down my little sweet pea! Don't get yourself all upset!
ANTOLINA: (Making the sign of the cross) Ay! Dios mio! She is dead! She is very too dead!
SHORTY: Put the rake down, Littlefield!
ARTHUR: Let her go first, twinkle tights!
ANTOLINA: Aaaay! Call the police! Senor Duke, call the police!
SHORTY & ARTHUR: No! No police!
CUCA: Let him call the police, Arthur!
ARTHUR: Cuca! Have you gone mad? What about.?
CUCA: Put the rake down, Arthur.
ARTHUR: But
SHORTY: Put it down! (He puts it down slowly. Shorty releases Cuca. She runs to Arthur, they embrace. Antolina begins to pray aloud.)
ANTOLINA: Santa Maria, madre de Dios! Oh, Senora! How much you wanted to be Juliet.and now.! (She falls to her knees next to the bar and begins to wail.)
CUCA: Antolina, shut up! (She slaps Antolina, who wails even louder. Duke starts toward kitchen. Cuca grabs rake and holds it across door to kitchen to stop him.) And where do you think you're going?
DUKE: Just want to get some cookies. I always get hungry when I'm nervous. (Shorty has gone to console Antolina. He helps her up and leads her to armchair.)
CUCA: Stay right there! I'm warning you!
ANTOLINA: Do not shout to him, Miss Callaghan! He no do nothing wrong!
CUCA: Oh, no? What do you call that, a modern sculpture?
(She points to Loretta's body. Arthur catches on and he and Cuca laugh.)
DUKE: Hey, wait a. That wasn't me! Tell them, Shorty. Say something, Antolina!
CUCA: Get the phone, Arthur my love. Call the state police. Tell them you have two house guests who have overstayed their welcome.
DUKE: I liked Mrs. Loretta. She was a swell lady. I would never do any
SHORTY: They know you didn't do it, Duke. Let em call the cops. Cause you, and me, and Antolina know the truth
ARTHUR: And who do you think they're gonna believe, Romeo? Some two-bit con men and an idiot wetback. or a respected teacher and a prominent businessman? By this time tomorrow, you two will be back in the "slam box" and if YOU open your mouth about this to anyone, Antolina
CUCA: We'll both swear you were in on the murder.
ARTHUR: I think they'll find your fingerprints on the poison bottle, right next to Loretta's.
CUCA: Comeprende, dearest? (Duke kneels next to Antolina. Shorty crosses to other armchair.) Arthur, I'll make the call. You pour us a drink to celebrate the passing of the fair damsel. Ha! Ha! (Arthur steps behind bar, pours two drinks, hands to Cuca, who is dialing. All have their backs to the bar.)
ARTHUR: Here's to our eternal love.
CUCA: And a job well done! (They kiss. They clink their glasses and drink. Loretta hears the clink and sits up, sheet still over her, unnoticed by the rest. She speaks, slurring.)
LORETTA: I do-o-o rememm-mber w-w-well where I ss-should be and therr-re I am. Where is-s my Rr-romeo? (She pulls sheet off her head. Her face remains covered by veil. Antolina screams and begins to run around living room. Cuca spits out her drink and drops telephone. Duke chases Antolina, trying to calm her down. Shorty runs to bar to help Loretta down. She is drunk. Arthur appears faint. He stumbles to couch and sits. The following lines until Loretta speaks again are said quickly, overlapping in the confusion of the moment.)
ANTOLINA: Ay!! Mother of Mercy! She is a ghost. Un fantasma! God protect us! Ay!!
SHORTY: Loretta! My darling, it's me, Shorty! It's Romeo!
CUCA: It can't be! Loretta! You're supposed to be dead. I gave you the poison myself. I saw you drink it!
DUKE: It's all right, Antolina! Miss Loretta is all right. She was only sleeping, that's all!
ARTHUR: Loretta! She's alive! I don't understand. That was enough to kill a horse! (He faints.)
ANTOLINA: She was asleeping? Are you sure, Duke? That new Hungary Water really is something, no?
SHORTY: Talk to me, Juliet. Are you all right? Tell me that you love me!
CUCA: Arthur, you numbskull! Couldn't you get this one thing right? (She picks up his glass and throws the remainder of his drink in his face to revive him. He opens his eyes. Shorty helps Loretta to couch; she sits next to Arthur. He stands next to her.)
ANTOLINA: Oh, Senora! I am very too happy to see you are live!
LORETTA: Oh, you bet I'm alive, Antolina! (She grabs Shorty, pulls him onto her, and kisses him passionately. Arthur stares at them, then grabs Cuca, pulls her onto him, and kisses her. Behind them, Duke and Antolina embrace.)
ANTOLINA: I guess it was true what Juliet said: Thus, with a kiss, I live!
(Blackout)
Okay guys, maybe if I tell you who the characters are it will make it less confusing.Shorty-Jess, Duke-Tristan, Arthur-Mike, Antolina-Rory, Loretta- Paris, Cuca- Louise.
Scene #3; a short while later. Arthur is preparing to leave.
ARTHUR: Let's see.I have my allergy pills.my speech. (Doorbell rings. He opens door. Cuca enters, carrying a large dress box.)
CUCA: Hello, Arthur. Are the MacDermotts here? I've brought Loretta's costume for tomorrow. Oh, what a day I've had! I've been on the phone for hours with every mother on the P.T.A. The whole town's buzzing over those two escaped convicts. Isn't it exciting? I hear one of them has an eidetic memory and-
ARTHUR: I could certainly use that today.seems everybody's got a memory around here but me!
CUCA: (She starts toward bedroom.) I'll just bring this in to Lore-
ARTHUR: She's not in there. She went down to the club with those friends of yours; something to do with that ridiculous skit of hers.
CUCA: Well, I'll have Antolina-
ARTHUR: She's out, too. Had to go borrow a habit, she said-
CUCA: You mean, you're alone?
ARTHUR: Completely, yes. (She puts down dress box from couch. They look at each other; grab each other in a passionate embrace. They kiss wildly.)
CUCA: Oh, Arthur, I can't go on like this. I need you-
ARTHUR: Neither can I. I want you, desperately. I need you, too. I-
CUCA: I want you, Arthur!
ARTHUR: I love you, Cuca. I must have you! I-
CUCA: I love you, too!! I- (She pulls away from him.) Arthur! What's wrong with you? You look terrible! Your neck is all puffed up. And your eyes! Your eyes are-
ARTHUR: That sadistic witch you call my wife fed me the one thing she knew would make me sorry for my very existence. It's taken me over an hour to put my shoes back on; my feet were so- she wanted me to be sick for my acceptance speech tomorrow.
CUCA: That's it, Arthur! It's one thing when she insists on making you life the hell it is, but when she intentionally feeds you something to make you ill.! Arthur.? Were you serious about getting rid of Loretta? If you were absolutely certain that no one could suspect you? Us?
ARTHUR: In the wink of an eye if I could figure out how-
CUCA: Good! I've got an idea. It came to me this morning while we were rehearsing-
ARTHUR: I don't doubt it. One look at Loretta's lousy Juliet would make anybody want to kill her.
CUCA: I'm serious, Arthur. As long as she's alive, I know you'll never leave her. But if we sort of "help her along" she'll be out of our lives forever, and we can end this crazy charade. Now, in that death scene, she has to drink the liquid from Romeo's cup. Don't you have anything at the pharmacy that will poison her without leaving a trail back to you?
ARTHUR: Darling, you're brilliant! I know just the thing. I'll make it look like she simply took an overdose of the wrong medications. It could happen to anyone. And you know when Loretta's been drinking; she'll swallow anything. No one could suspect. But how do you keep old Romeo from taking it? Doesn't he drink from it first?
CUCA: Just leave that to me. I'm in charge of the props for the show. A simple switching of the bottles will do the trick. I have the prop bottle right here. (She takes a small flask out of her purse and puts it on bar. Loretta's laugh is heard at the front door. Cuca sneaks out through the French doors.) I'll see you later. (Loretta enter arm in arm with Shorty. Duke follows them in. They are laughing.)
DUKE: .And so the hunchback says to the elephant: Well, if I could walk that way, I wouldn't be up here, either! Get it?
LORETTA: Oh, Duke! You're too divine! (She sees Arthur, and stops laughing. She pulls away from them.) Arthur. You're still here?
ARTHUR: (Slips flask from bar into pocket.) I was on my way out. I'll be earning a living for us if your highness needs me. By the way. Cuca brought you dress over. It's I that box on the couch. Now if you all will excuse me.(He hobbles out the front door.)
LORETTA: Good riddance! (Loretta goes back to bar.) Now, boys, I thought we might have a little cocktail to loosen us up before dinner. Duke?
DUKE: It's a little early, but.sure! I'll take whatever you're havin'.
LORETTA: Shorty?
SHORTY: No, thanks, I'm fine.
LORETTA: Well, I'll drink to that! Come on.just a quick one?
DUKE: Go on, Romeo. Just a short one! Get it? (Duke and Loretta break into laughter. She pours three bourbons.)
SHORTY: Keep it zipped, shutter brain! (Loretta brings the three shots and hands them each a glass. Shorty raises his for a toast.) What the hell?!! To the fair Juliet!
LORETTA: As old King Lear once said: Down the hatch! (She swallows it in one gulp, pours another. Antolina enters at front door. She carries a dress box, and a bag of groceries.) Oh, Antolina! There you are. Where have you been?
ANTOLINA: I go to pick up my costume for the other scene I do. It's very too beautiful, Senora. After dinner, I show it to you. Sister Consuelo de la Rosa tell me with it on, I look like saint. I go to start prepare dinner. It will be a "sorpresa". A surprise! I no let you in kitchen tonight. How many peoples will be?
LORETTA: I've invited the boys to stay for dinner; only the four of us. Won't that be romantic?
ANTOLINA: And Senor Littlefield?
LORETTA: After today's lunch, I don't think he'll risk dinner.
ANTOLINA: Oh, I almost forget. I pass him on the way home. (She hands Loretta the flask.) Senor Littlefield say he make for you. It is a new brand of Hungary Water for your head.
LORETTA: He just left. How did he.?
ANTOLINA: He say don't drink yet. Tonight he bring home the powder to mix it. (Loretta opens flask, sniffs, grimaces.)
LORETTA: New brand? Whew! Smells like gasoline! I hope it works better than it (She puts it down on bar.)
ANTOLINA: Oh, don't worry, Senora. Senor Littlefield say one bottle of this, you never have headache again. I go now to start dinner.
DUKE: Can I help you with that? (He takes groceries. They go into kitchen.)
ANTOLINA: Oh, of course, Senor Duke. Mi cocina es su cocina.
LORETTA: Shorty, be a sweetheart and get me my Juliet headpiece? It's on the chair in the bedroom.right through there. She points to her bedroom. Loretta empties flask into flower vase, fills flask with bourbon. Shorty shouts offstage.)
SHORTY: I don't' see anythin' in here. Where'd ya say it was?
LORETTA: (She takes a sip of bourbon, tiptoes to kitchen door, peeks in. Darts over to mirror, adjusting her neckline to look more alluring. Fixes her hair quickly, then tiptoes toward bedroom.) Oh, stay right there! I'll look for it myself! (She exits to bedroom.)
(Blackout)
Scene #4; Later that evening, after dinner. Laughter and singing (Cielito Lindo) is heard from kitchen.
ANTOLINA, LORETTA, DUKE & SHORTY: Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay! Canta y no llores! Porque cantando se alegran, Cielito Lindo, los corazones! Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay!! (Arthur enters at front door, looks around, and hears them in kitchen. Crosses quickly to bar, takes vial from pocket, mixes it into flask on bar, replaces flask. Loretta and other start to come from kitchen, Arthur rushes to armchair, grabs a magazine, pretends to read.)
SHORTY: That dinner was out of this world, wasn't it, Duke? It's been a long time since we had some nice home cooked meals. And the company of two beautiful ladies such as yourselves is more than we could
ARHUTR: Excuse me!! (They notice Arthur.) If I could ask hat you two are still doing here? Do we have to endure your medieval monkeyshines all night?
LORETTA: Arthur! The MacDerMotts are my guests! I would appreciate it if you would show them some respect!! (Antolina is fussing over Duke.)
ARTHUR: What I'd like to show them is the door! Antolina, bring me some coffee, if that wouldn't put you out in any way? Antolina! Some coffee? Café?!?!? (She goes into kitchen) And shouldn't you two gentlemen be getting back to your hotel?
LORETTA: Honestly, Arthur, you're so rude. The boys are staying and that's final! Besides, now that I have my costume, I thought we'd try it one more time. Sort of a dress rehearsal, all right, boys?
DUKE: Sounds great to me. (Shouts to Antolina in kitchen) Anymore of that lemon pie left? (an: Guys and their eating habits.)
SHORTY: If thou desirest, my sweet, we'll linger till the cockcrows-
ARTHUR: (Mimicking Shorty) We'll linger till the cockcrows! Have you forgotten, Loretta, that you invited Cuca to play cards tonight? (Antolina enters with pie for Duke. Arthur reaches for his coffee, she runs back for it.)
LORETTA: Oh, so what? We can play teams! And she'll love the chance to spend an evening with the boys. She hasn't seen them in a while. (At the mention of Cuca, Shorty starts to panic.)
SHORTY: On second thought, ya know, maybe Arthur here is right. We really should get back, Loretta! It's been a long day and I'm kinda beat; Come on, Duke! We gotta run! (Shorty takes plate from Duke, puts it down, and starts to pull him to front door.)
DUKE: Hey, wait a minute! I got to say goodnight to Antolina. (Goes to kitchen.) (an: Awww, how loyal! Good doggy!)
LORETTA: You know, you boys don't have to rush off like this. Cuca will be so sorry she missed you. But you'll see her tomorrow at the club.
SHORTY: Yeah, yeah, tomorrow at the club. Come on Duke!! (Duke comes back with Antolina. Doorbell rings. Shorty pushes Duke and Antolina back into kitchen, follows them.)
SHORTY: How's about another cup o' coffee for the road? (As Duke exits, Cuca enters at front door)
CUCA: Good evening, Arthur. You're looking better. I see the swelling has gone down. Hello, Loretta. Did you have a nice day with the boys? (Whispers to Arthur) And did you bring home that "thing" we discussed? (To Loretta) I'm so sorry I couldn't be here for lunch. I've been running around all day. Last minute preparations, there's so much to be done, you know!
ARTHUR: (Whispers to Cuca) It's the bottle on the bar. (Aloud) Oh, yes. She's getting along famously with the both of them. As a matter of fact, Shorty has developed quite an attachment to Loretta
LORETTA: Well, that's more than can be said for you, Arthur!
ARTHUR: And Duke and Antolina seem to be thick as thieves. I'd say
CUCA: I'm afraid you mean Luke
LORETTA: Whatever it is, dear.what was it Othello said? A rose by any other name.?
CUCA: No, dear! Why, in fact, that was
LORETTA: Anyhow, you've arrived just in the nick! They were about to leave. They're inside having coffee.maybe you could persuade them to stay! But first, come into the bedroom. I want to show you the headpiece I'm wearing tomorrow. It's too, too divine. (They go into bedroom.)
ARTHUR: I'm going out back to work on the sprinklers. (Antolina and Duke enter from kitchen.)
ANTOLINA: One minute more, will you, Duke? I want to show you costume I wear for my part in other scene. I will be right back. (Exits to hall)
ARTHUR: Good thing you stayed, after all. Your old friend Cuca is in the bedroom with Loretta. (Arthur exits to patio. Shorty enters.)
SHORTY: Get a move on, Lover Boy! Let's blow this pop stand!
DUKE: Hold on a sec, Shorty. Antolina wants me to see what she's wearin' for the show.
SHORTY: Well, we're gonna be back in stripes if we don't get our tails outta here quick!
DUKE: But that Cuca lady is in the bedroom with Miss Loretta. Don't you wanna meet her?
SHORTY: Are you nuts, or somethin'? If she sees us, she's gonna know we're not those guys they think we are. We'll be back in the pen in nothin' flat! Come on let's get outta here. We can go out the back. We'll take Arthur's car till we find somethin' better. (They grab tow of Arthur's hats from top shelf of closet and pull them low over their faces. They run out through French doors. Loretta and Cuca enter. Loretta wears ridiculous Juliet costume, and headpiece, which covers her ears. Attached to front is a veil, which covers her face; Cuca leads her in.)
LORETTA: (Speaks loudly; she can't hear herself.) Shorty thought the veil might be too much, but what the hell! You only die once! (She laughs.)
CUCA: (To herself) And not a moment too soon.
LORETTA: What dear?
CUCA: I said, that veil will make men swoon!
LORETTA: Oh, I know! Let's see how it works on my Romeo. Help me up on the bar. (Cuca helps her up; Loretta nocks over flask. Cuca picks it up and hands it to her.)
CUCA: Here, dear! Use this as the poison, for now.
LORETTA: Oh, maybe just a little to steady my nerves. (Takes flask drinks it all. Sways, then steadies herself.) Goodness, I must have taken it too fast. Here, take this sheet and cover me. I want my costume to be a surprise for when the boys come back in.
CUCA: Oh, they'll be surprised all right. (Loretta lies down. Coca covers her with sheet. She hears Anatolian singing offstage. She steps behind bar and calls to Anatolian.) Anatolian? Are the boys in there with you?
ANTOLINA: (Offstage) No, Senora. Maybe they in kitchen with Senor Littlefield
CUCA: Where are you? You tow adorable hunks of manhood! (She goes to kitchen. Shorty and Duke run in from patio. They are soaking wet.)
DUKE: Gee! I didn't hear it start to rain
SHORTY: Those were the sprinklers, stupid! Didn't you see Littlefield out there wavin' that wrench over his head and dancin' around like some crazed suburban medicine man?
DUKE: I thought he was wavin' goodbye! Now what are we gonna do? We can't very well steal his car with him out there!
SHORTY: Let's try the kitchen door. It leads right to the driveway! (They run into kitchen; Duke first, Shorty behind him. Cuca screams, The boys run out: Shorty first; runs into bedroom; Duke directly behind him; runs into hallway; Cuca runs out of kitchen and out to the patio, screaming.)
CUCA: Arthur! Arthur!! It's them! The convicts! The escapees! They're in the house! I saw them! Call the police!! (Antolina runs in. She is dressed as Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception. She wears a floor length white robe, gathered above the waist by a sky-blue sash. Over this, she wears a sky-blue, floor length cape, which covers her shoulders and arms. Over her hair, she wears a white veil, which comes down past her shoulders and arms. In her sleeves are two flashlights hidden from view. They are lit, so the effect is that of a "heavenly light" emanating from her hands. She runs around living room, screaming. Shorty runs in from bedroom, disguised in one of Loretta's dressing gowns.)
ANTOLINA: Senor Shorty! Hurry, please! There is two criminals in the house! Senora Callaghan say to call the police! Where is Senora Littlefield?
SHORTY: Never mind her. Where is Duke?
ANTOLINA: He go in my room. I think he try on costume. (Shorty runs into hall to her room.) Senora Littlefield? Where is Senora Littlefield? (She starts to run after Shorty, notices body on bar, stops short. She is afraid to look. Picks up corner of sheet. Shakes Loretta.) Senora! Get up! There is criminals in your house! Get up, Senora!! (Loretta does not move. Antolina screams, throws sheet over her again, and runs into her room. Cuca and Arthur run in from patio. Arthur carries a garden rake as a spear, Cuca carries a large, hand pumped bug spray can.)
CUCA: I tell you, I saw them, Arthur! I recognize them from their pictures in the paper!
ARTHUR: Now, calm down, Cuca! They aren't criminals! Those are the Macdermotts! Get a hold of yourself!
CUCA: Don't tell me to get a hold of myself! I saw them. They were right there!
ARTHUR: I tell you, those are your friends! If you don't believe me, ask Loretta! Where's Loretta?
CUCA: Oh, good heavens! I forgot about Loretta! Arthur, I did it!
ARTHUR: Did what? In the name of Hippocrates, Cuca! What's come over you?!!
CUCA: I gave her the poison. She's right over there.
ARTHUR: You did what? When? Are you sure?
(During the following dialogue between Arthur and Cuca, a frantic pantomime is seen on the patio, through the French doors. Shorty runs by and tries to climb over the fence, but can't. He runs back to get Duke. They both reappear. Duke tries to help Shorty over the fence. Antolina runs over, she grabs Duke. She is seen explaining to Duke and Shorty that Loretta is dead. She tries to pull Duke back into the house, while Shorty pulls him away, toward the fence. Duke mimes the overheard telephone call when he heard Arthur planning the murder; they all realize Arthur is the murderer.)
ARTHUR: Well, I'll be.when did you do it?
CUCA: When you were out in the yard. I saw the chance and I took it! But what are we going to do about those men? They could be dangerous!
ARTHUR: Relax, my love. Those men you saw were Duke and Shorty Macdermott. (He tries to calm her down.) Maybe they had their costumes on. I think the excitement of this "business" with Loretta has you all confused. (He leads her to armchair, sits her down)
CUCA: I am not confused. I know what I saw. I was face to face with the tall one. The one with eh memory
ARTHUR: Wait a minute! What did you say?
CUCA: One of them has a photographic memory! I told you that this afternoon. (Arthur suddenly realizes what she's saying. On the patio, the three have become entangled into one form: Antolina had climbed onto Duke, piggyback style, in an effort to prevent his leaving; and Shorty has his arms around Duke's waist, trying to pull him away.)
ARTHUR: Oh, my God! You're right! We have to call the police right away!
(He runs to phone, picks up receiver. Then he looks over at Loretta and slams phone down.) We can't call the police! How do we explain.? (Cuca finally sees the three on the patio; she screams.
CUCA: There they are! Quick, Arthur! They've got Antolina!
(They both run out to the patio. They attack Duke and Shorty. A short fight ensues with much shouting until they all fall in through the open French doors onto the living room floor. Arthur picks up the garden rake and threatens Shorty with it. Shorty grabs Cuca from behind, one arm around her waist, the other around her neck, using her as a human shield. They circle the couch slowly. Antolina is hysterical, alternately shouting and crying over Loretta's body.)
ANTOLINA: Help! Call the police! Policia! They kill the Senora! They kill the Senora!
DUKE: Now, calm down my little sweet pea! Don't get yourself all upset!
ANTOLINA: (Making the sign of the cross) Ay! Dios mio! She is dead! She is very too dead!
SHORTY: Put the rake down, Littlefield!
ARTHUR: Let her go first, twinkle tights!
ANTOLINA: Aaaay! Call the police! Senor Duke, call the police!
SHORTY & ARTHUR: No! No police!
CUCA: Let him call the police, Arthur!
ARTHUR: Cuca! Have you gone mad? What about.?
CUCA: Put the rake down, Arthur.
ARTHUR: But
SHORTY: Put it down! (He puts it down slowly. Shorty releases Cuca. She runs to Arthur, they embrace. Antolina begins to pray aloud.)
ANTOLINA: Santa Maria, madre de Dios! Oh, Senora! How much you wanted to be Juliet.and now.! (She falls to her knees next to the bar and begins to wail.)
CUCA: Antolina, shut up! (She slaps Antolina, who wails even louder. Duke starts toward kitchen. Cuca grabs rake and holds it across door to kitchen to stop him.) And where do you think you're going?
DUKE: Just want to get some cookies. I always get hungry when I'm nervous. (Shorty has gone to console Antolina. He helps her up and leads her to armchair.)
CUCA: Stay right there! I'm warning you!
ANTOLINA: Do not shout to him, Miss Callaghan! He no do nothing wrong!
CUCA: Oh, no? What do you call that, a modern sculpture?
(She points to Loretta's body. Arthur catches on and he and Cuca laugh.)
DUKE: Hey, wait a. That wasn't me! Tell them, Shorty. Say something, Antolina!
CUCA: Get the phone, Arthur my love. Call the state police. Tell them you have two house guests who have overstayed their welcome.
DUKE: I liked Mrs. Loretta. She was a swell lady. I would never do any
SHORTY: They know you didn't do it, Duke. Let em call the cops. Cause you, and me, and Antolina know the truth
ARTHUR: And who do you think they're gonna believe, Romeo? Some two-bit con men and an idiot wetback. or a respected teacher and a prominent businessman? By this time tomorrow, you two will be back in the "slam box" and if YOU open your mouth about this to anyone, Antolina
CUCA: We'll both swear you were in on the murder.
ARTHUR: I think they'll find your fingerprints on the poison bottle, right next to Loretta's.
CUCA: Comeprende, dearest? (Duke kneels next to Antolina. Shorty crosses to other armchair.) Arthur, I'll make the call. You pour us a drink to celebrate the passing of the fair damsel. Ha! Ha! (Arthur steps behind bar, pours two drinks, hands to Cuca, who is dialing. All have their backs to the bar.)
ARTHUR: Here's to our eternal love.
CUCA: And a job well done! (They kiss. They clink their glasses and drink. Loretta hears the clink and sits up, sheet still over her, unnoticed by the rest. She speaks, slurring.)
LORETTA: I do-o-o rememm-mber w-w-well where I ss-should be and therr-re I am. Where is-s my Rr-romeo? (She pulls sheet off her head. Her face remains covered by veil. Antolina screams and begins to run around living room. Cuca spits out her drink and drops telephone. Duke chases Antolina, trying to calm her down. Shorty runs to bar to help Loretta down. She is drunk. Arthur appears faint. He stumbles to couch and sits. The following lines until Loretta speaks again are said quickly, overlapping in the confusion of the moment.)
ANTOLINA: Ay!! Mother of Mercy! She is a ghost. Un fantasma! God protect us! Ay!!
SHORTY: Loretta! My darling, it's me, Shorty! It's Romeo!
CUCA: It can't be! Loretta! You're supposed to be dead. I gave you the poison myself. I saw you drink it!
DUKE: It's all right, Antolina! Miss Loretta is all right. She was only sleeping, that's all!
ARTHUR: Loretta! She's alive! I don't understand. That was enough to kill a horse! (He faints.)
ANTOLINA: She was asleeping? Are you sure, Duke? That new Hungary Water really is something, no?
SHORTY: Talk to me, Juliet. Are you all right? Tell me that you love me!
CUCA: Arthur, you numbskull! Couldn't you get this one thing right? (She picks up his glass and throws the remainder of his drink in his face to revive him. He opens his eyes. Shorty helps Loretta to couch; she sits next to Arthur. He stands next to her.)
ANTOLINA: Oh, Senora! I am very too happy to see you are live!
LORETTA: Oh, you bet I'm alive, Antolina! (She grabs Shorty, pulls him onto her, and kisses him passionately. Arthur stares at them, then grabs Cuca, pulls her onto him, and kisses her. Behind them, Duke and Antolina embrace.)
ANTOLINA: I guess it was true what Juliet said: Thus, with a kiss, I live!
(Blackout)