Chapter 02 - Game & Watch VS. Turtle-Butt
"Are we back now?" Jigglypuff asked the others.
The majority of the Smash Brothers were in the main room. In fact, the only ones missing were Zelda, Link and Pichu.
"Yep." Mario replied to Jigglypuff.
"Go get Zelda, Link and Pichu, Young Link. They're both going to miss the fight!" Marth requested.
As Young Link ran off to get his older self and the princess, Peach turned to Luigi and asked, "Where ARE they anyway?"
"I'm not-a sure...," Luigi admitted. "First Link left because he said he thought there was-a something going on in his-a room, then Zelda left because she said that she needed to...check up...on something...," Luigi trailed off as he put two and two together and got one heck of a four.
"How come Link and Mario have beautiful princesses?" Roy asked outloud. "How come Marth and I don't have girlfriends?"
"You wait until you actually HAVE a game in the USA, bub!" Bowser laughed.
"And Roy, I am married. It was in one of the Japanese games, and I had to save the world before our marriage." Marth informed his friend.
"How...romantic." Pikachu commented uncertainly.
"That's love in the world of Nintendo!" Popo chuckled.
Roy groaned and shook his head. "Some guys get all the luck!"
Zelda and Link walked up the others, looking somewhat tired, their clothes put on sloppily.
"Well, I glad that SOME people can enjoy themselves during chapter breaks!" Roy said, louder than normal.
"Jealous?" Ness asked him.
"Madly." Roy groaned.
Then Young Link and Pichu came running back. Pichu was wearing his blue goggles and blue bandana. "Sorry!" the small electric Pokémon apologized. "I was attempting to get my headgear around my cranium, yet with such tiny arms, a task such as that is nigh-on impossible! With much luck, Young Link here was able to aid me in equipping the goggles to my head."
Bowser was stumped. "Can you repeat that?"
"NO!!" Several others shouted, fearful of being driving out of their minds.
"Are we ready to go now?" Bowser asked impatiently. "I wanna kick this beeping man's butt!"
"I kick your butt, Turtle-Butt!" Mr. Game & Watch taunted back.
"Oh YEAH?!"
"Ah, you agree with me then!"
"...No, that's not what I meant!"
"Come on! The battlefield is on the fourth floor!" Mario exclaimed, and the whole band of heroes, heroines and villains started for the elevator.
However, when they arrived at the elevator, some of them weren't so pleased about going in them.
"I am NOT riding in that elevator!" Mr. Game & Watch shouted.
"Afraid of me already?" Bowser chuckled evilly, giving himself far too much credit, but egos do that at times.
"No, I'm afraid of something else! I'm taking the stairs!" Mr. Game & Watch exclaimed, then ran for the stair door.
"Four flights of stairs?" Peach cried indignantly. "You'll be exhausted by the time you get to the top!"
"My loss!" With that, the stick-figure man ran up the stairs.
Fox raised an eyebrow, then looked at the elevator, which had its welcoming doors wide open. It was designed so that all twenty-six Smash Brothers could fit in and still have comfortable room. In fact, you could not really call it an elevator. It was more like...Fox couldn't think of a word to fit the contraption. He'd ask Pichu later.
"You know what?" Fox spoke up, and everyone looked at him. "I think I'll take the stairs too."
As the bipedial fox started for the door, Bowser scoffed. "Idiots!" he muttered.
"I think I'll go too!" Yoshi exclaimed, then ran for the stairs.
"The steps towards the fourth floor instead of a ride up the lift alongside Bowser is much more preferable!" Pichu stated.
So Mr. Game & Watch, Fox McCloud, Yoshi and Pichu went up the stairs, for those of you who don't pay attention well.
"...Huh?" Donkey Kong asked.
"What was that again?" Roy asked.
"Come on!" Bowser shouted angrily, stomping into the elevator.
The twenty-four souls entered the elevator, then the doors closed with a soft PING!'. As the elevator started slowly climbing up to the fourth floor, the reason why the four guys didn't take the elevator was clear.
"AAAAAAAAUGH!!!" Bowser roared. "TURN OFF THAT ELEVATOR MUSIC!!"
"He's going crazy!" Peach screamed in fear.
"TURN IT OFF!!! IT'S SO ANNOYING!!"
Bowser pounding the walls, creating huge dents and minor rumbles throughout the elevator. Every shake made the others worry that the elevator would plummet down and kill them all.
"We're going die!" Pikachu wailed.
"They already pointed that out!" Mewtwo whimpered.
"I want my mommy!" Ganondorf screamed.
"I WANT THE ELEVATOR MUSIC OFF!!" Bowser roared deafeningly.
"We're all gonna die as virgins!" Luigi yelled in terror.
"Err...not every one of us." Link muttered nervously as he held a frightened Zelda in his arms.
"I'm married. I hope by everything good and holy that I'm not a virgin!" Marth pointed out.
"I hope by everything good and holy we don't die!" Ness exclaimed.
"I HOPE BY EVERYTHING GOOD AND HOLY...," Bowser stopped hitting the walls and quieted down. "No, wait, that's not my type of saying. ...Oh, yeah! I HOPE BY EVERYTHING BAD AND UNHOLY THAT THE ELEVATOR MUSIC STOPS!!"
With that not-so-lawful statement, Bowser began stomping his foot and chanting, "MAKE IT STOP!! MAKE IT STOP!!"
"You can't even hear the music over him!" Falco shouted to Mewtwo.
"Do you think that matters?" Mewtwo replied.
"MAKE IT STOP!!" Bowser demanded, stomping his foot and causing the elevator to shake in a most unwanted way.
"MAKE HIM STOP!!" Zelda wailed.
"Just STOP the bloody music!" Captain Falcon suggested.
"If we knew how to do that, don't you think we would do it?" Doctor Mario snapped, angry because he thought he was going to die.
"Well, WHO put the elevator music in the elevator?" Peach cried, frightened because she thought she was going to die.
"Uh...I did." Ganondorf admitted, quiet because he thought he was going to die.
"You WHAT?!" Nana screamed, hysterical because she thought she was going to die.
"I did it to drive you all out of your minds. After all, I am evil. I never knew it would lead to my death!" Ganondorf confessed.
"OUR deaths, you idiot!" Link snapped and pulled his sword out, still keeping one arm around Zelda. "I'll get you for this!"
"Be careful where you wave that thing around!!" Luigi exclaimed hysterically.
"What's his problem?" Donkey Kong asked Samus, pointing at Link.
"Oh, he's just edgy because he thinks he's going to die!" Samus replied.
* * *
The four guys who had decided not to take the elevator were waiting for the elevator to come, yet come make out faint cries for help, pounding sounds and really crummy music coming from the elevator shaft.
"So, could you guys give me some advise on how to bet Bowser?" Mr. Game & Watch asked his friends.
"He's slow." Fox informed him.
"Don't get eaten!" Yoshi warned him.
"His fiery breath does not reach far, but don't get to close unless needed!" Pichu insisted.
"He's really slow." Fox confirmed.
"Watch out for his back spikes." Yoshi added.
"He's extremely heavy, so I suggest not being under him when he falls downward." Pichu informed him.
"In fact, he's dead slow."
"Don't take the last jelly doughnut. That makes him pissed."
"If you were female, I would also warn you about leaving the toilet seat being left up, but since you are male, no worries."
"He's only fast when he is slashing or falling on you. That can catch you off guard."
"He's not a particularly good jumper."
"Unlike many other Mario games, you can't defeat him by hitting him with Meca-Koopas, dropping him in a pool of lava, or throwing him by his tail into bombs that were placed in a lair where he intended to destroy you! ...Come to think of it, that was pretty stupid!"
"And don't do drugs!" Fox concluded with one final piece of advice.
"That'll come in handy! Thank you, guys!"
"You're welcome!"
"You're welcome!"
"We take your thanks into open consideration, and accept it without a moment's hesitant!"
Just then, the elevator opened, and a flood of panicked humans, creatures and Pokémon came belting out. They all wore looks of terror, and looked like they almost died.
"We almost DIED in that elevator!" Doctor Mario shouted.
"The elevator music is not THAT bad!" Mr. Game & Watch replied.
"Not that, you idiot!" Falco exclaimed. "Bowser!! He almost brought the whole thing down!"
"Don't you think THAT'S why we didn't go?" Fox asked his comrade.
"Why didn't you tell us?!" Jigglypuff cried.
"You didn't ask!" Yoshi replied.
"Can we go battle now?!" Bowser roared, stepping out of the battered elevator.
"Yes, let's!" Mario confirmed with renewed enthusiasm.
* * *
The battle room was quite like a theater, except that there was a teleporter and a screen-like keyboard in front of it, much like the one in Star Trek.
"You know, one of these days, we are going to have to think of our own idea to get ourselves into the arena, not just copy Star Trek!" Samus complained as she went to her seat.
Mario stood near the four transporters, while Mr. Game & Watch and Bowser stood near. "All right, you two. It is going to be a three stock battle on Bowser's Castle. Any questions?"
"No, but I've got answers!" Mr. Game & Watch exclaimed, then took a deep breath. Following his breath, his said with infinite wisdom, "Forty-two."
"HA HA HA!!" Fox and Pichu laughed.
"Ha ha ha, very funny." Mario did not share their enthusiasm. "All right, you two. Get ready!"
As Mario went to the transporter, Mr. Game & Watch turned to his only supporters; Fox McCloud, Yoshi, Pichu, Captain Falcon and Ness. "Well, I'm off to battle Bowser! I will be home at...oh, five o'clock. Might be a little later, I may stop to have a beer with guys. Wish me luck!"
"Good luck!" Fox said as he shook Game & Watch's hand.
"You can beat Bowser!" Yoshi encouraged him with a thumbs-up.
"You'll beat that fatso!" Captain Falcon agreed with a handshake.
"I seriously believe that you can claim this battle as your victory, not as your defeat!" Pichu said as he shook Game & Watch's hand with his paw.
Ness shook his hand and smiled warmly. "Nice knowing you!" he said before he left to go to his seat.
"Encouraging," muttered Mr. Game & Watch as he stepped over to the transporter. "Beam us up, Scotty!"
"Fine!" Mario scoffed and pushed a few buttons. Soon, Mr. Game & Watch found themselves on top of Bowser's Castle.
There were two towers on each side of the wall, and the sky was black as coal. Black coal, of course, not the kind of coal that has been burnt into a gray shade after being used.
"You're gonna lose, ya 2-D freak!" Bowser roared and charged forward.
Mr. Game & Watch sighed in pity. "You'll never learn, Turtle-Butt."
"Huh?" Bowser honked, stopping in his tracks.
Game & Watch approached slowly, looked Bowser in the eyes, and then whipped his torch out and knocked Bowser several feet into the air. "GOTCHA!! HA HA HAAAAA!!"
Bower flew through the air, then landed back on his castle on his feet. "You're nothing, Mr. Game & Watch! NOTHING!!"
Mr. Game & Watch decided to use this taunt to his advantage. "Nothing? You call me nothing? Oh, I get it! It's because I'm BLACK, ISN'T IT?!"
"Errr...no, that's not what I was implying...," Bowser stammered.
"YOU RACIST BIGOT!!" Mr. Game & Watch hollered, jumping up and down and pointing at Bowser, then started chanting, "BIGOT!! BIGOT!! BIGOT!!"
"I'm not a bigot, shut up!"
"BIGOT!! BIGOT!! BIGOT!!"
"I am not! You assumed I meant-"
"BIGOT!! BIGOT!! BIGOT!!"
"Listen, cut that out, will ya?"
"BIGOT!! BIGOT!! BIGOT!!"
"I'm not racist! I was merely insulting you!"
"BIGOT!! BIGOT!! BIGOT!!"
"STOP SAYING THAT!!"
"BIGOT!! BIGOT!! BIGOT!!"
"...I'm not going to get you to shut up, am I?"
"BIGOT!! BIGOT!! Bi...well, if you jump off one of the sides and sacrifice one of your stock, I'll consider it."
"You got it!" Bowser jumped up to the tower and flung himself off.
"What an idiotic bigot!" Mr. Game & Watch laughed.
* * *
The audience was enjoying this in varied ways.
"HAR HAR HAR!!" Fox laughed.
"That was the cheapest trick ever." Samus muttered as she rolled her eyes.
"Where's the popcorn?" Ness cried out.
"Moron!" Captain Falcon exclaimed, pointing at the plummeting Bowser.
"I find that a cheap way of beating the opponent, and the humor is stupid too!" Ganondorf snarled.
Author's Note: I find that very offensive, Ganondorf!
"Oops!" the King of Thieves gulped, realizing he had angered the author, who was like God in this situation.
* * *
"Okay, you little paper man!" Bowser roared as he was transported back to the arena. "I'm going to thrash you hard!"
Mr. Game & Watch taunted Bowser by pulling out his bell and ringing it. "Did you call for a beating?" he asked Bowser.
"No, I didn't!"
"Yes, you did!"
"No, I did not!"
"I'm telling you, you did!'
"I'm telling you, I didn't!"
"I heard you tell me to give you a beating!"
"I didn't say that!"
"Yes, you did!'
"I don't recall saying that...,"
"Well, I'm quite certain you did!"
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Really?"
"Yes!"
"Oh, well then, it must be true! I called for a beating!"
"I hear ya!" With that, Mr. Game & Watch ran forth and began pummeling Bowser.
WHAM! SMACK! POW! "OW!" BONK! CLANG! POW! "THAT HURTS!" POOMPH! WHACK! POUND! "Not the face! NOT THE FACE!!"
"Okay, then!"
POW!!
"...Okay...," Bowser whimpered, sounding like a chipmunk that had inhaled helium. "Go back to the face!"
"So glad you gave me permission!"
"You're welcome!" CLANG! WHAM! POW! "OW!"
With one more Smash attack, Mr. Game & Watch sent Bowser flying into the air and out of the horizon.
* * *
"Not another cheap trick!" Popo whined.
"Actually, that took very persuasive speaking skills!" Ness replied calmly.
"This is all very entertaining!" Marth laughed. "Much more enjoyable than all those stories about me getting killed!"
Ganondorf smiled evilly. "Hey, Marth, have you seen my pet scorpion? I lost him somewhere around your seat!"
Marth ran out the room faster than a cop runs out of a police station when he hears there is a doughnut sale going on.
"HA HA HA HAAAAAA!" Ganondorf laughed evilly.
"That wasn't funny, Ganondorf!" Link snarled at his nemeses, and Zelda nodded in agreement.
"Can I help it if the kid is a wussy?" Ganondorf laughed again.
"Pardon my intrusion, but I have something I must tell you!" Pichu spoke up to Ganondorf. He had his paws behind his back.
"What do you want, you little baby?!"
"I am assuming that this creature is your personal belonging!" Pichu pulled the thing he had behind his back and held it out to Ganondorf. It was a scorpion.
Ganondorf screamed and ran away as fast as he could. Pichu chuckled, then through the rubber scorpion behind him. "Oh, I do like a good scam at times!"
"You're not the same as other Pichus, are you?" Zelda said, smiling at the cute mouse Pokémon.
"No, I am utterly different than others of my own species!" Pichu chuckled, sitting down next to Zelda.
The lovely princess picked up the mouse Pokémon, placed him in her lap and started scratching behind his ears. "Even in this way?"
Pichu let out the relieved kind of moan that is so cute, it is sickening. "Well," he purred. "I guess that there are some similarities after all!"
Marth came back, munching on a glazed doughnut. "Hey guys! They've got a sale on doughnuts!"
* * *
In the fight, Mr. Game & Watch was dealing with a very much peeved Bowser. "YOU'RE NOT TRICKING ME AGAIN, PAPER BOY!!"
"Oh, yes, I am!"
"You are?"
"Yep!"
"Aw, darn! I thought for sure you couldn't trick me again, but...HEY!! NO, YOU DON'T!!"
Mr. Game & Watch whistled innocently. "Don't look at me, I didn't do it."
"Didn't do what?'
"Trick you?"
"Someone tricked me?"
"Yep."
"HOW?! How was I tricked?"
"Don't you know?"
"No! How?"
"Boy, you were tricked very well then!"
"I...been...tricked! Nooooooo!!" Bowser, out of anguish, flung himself off the castle, startling Mr. Game & Watch.
"Well, I wasn't expecting him to do THAT!" he admitted to himself.
* * *
The match was over, and Mr. Game & Watch hadn't even been touched. The two battlers were transported back and Mr. Game & Watch dusted off his hands.
"Jolly good show!" Fox congratulated.
"That was an excellent match of wits, strength and honor! Well done!" Pichu cheered.
Ness, Captain Falcon and Yoshi also gave their applause, while no one else was really thrilled.
"We're stuck with that beeping maniac!" Doctor Mario muttered.
Popo and Nana sighed heavily, then looked at each other. "Wanna get a doughnut?" Popo asked.
"Sure!"
Ganondorf was enraged. "I AM ENRAGED!" Ganondorf shouted. "Bowser, you could've pounded that little twerp! What is wrong with you?!"
"I was tricked!" Bowser ran away, crying! "I was tricked! I was tricked! I was....HMMMMMM, DOUGHNUTS!! YUMMY!! Out of my way, Eskimo kids!"
"Make us!" CRASH! SPLAT!! WHAM!!
"OW!! Quit that! Fine, I'll just take a few and leave! ...Ohhh, glazed! I'm in heaven! Who cares about being tricked when you've got doughnuts?"
Ganondorf muttered nasty words under his breath and walked off to his dorm room, while many of the others followed suit.
"I must say, good job out there, Game & Watch!" Kirby congratulated him as he walked over to the doughnuts.
"Thank you, Kirby!" Mr. Game & Watch called to the pink dude.
"Save some for us, okay Kirby?" Yoshi requested to his friend.
"Well, you're still in the gang!" Captain Falcon stated.
"Quite true! I still am! Yet we have many adventures waiting for us!"
"What makes you think that?" Fox asked him.
"The chapter's ending, but the story is far from over!"
"Oh."
"Ahhhhh, the end of the second chapter!" Pichu sighed as Zelda continued to scratch behind his ears. "Or is it the second to first chapter? Doesn't matter. Anyway, we will have more adventures, more fights, and all that good stuff that readers love to hear! They might even get lucky and receive more sexual humor! After all, they are human, aren't they? Ahhhh! That feels most pleasurable, Zelda!"
THE CHAPTER IS OVER...DOUGHNUTS! YUMMY! OUT OF MY WAY, BOWSER!