Chapter 5 - Resident Evil: Code Game & Watch
If you skipped the last chapter, you're being awfully foolish. Go back and read it! What, are you hoping this chapter contains the NC-17 scene?! This story is PG-13, not NC-17! Did you read the warning properly, or were you hoping for some kind of threesome with Peach, Zelda and Marth?
...I know I am, but no one seems to write those kinds of stories anymore!
"That is astonishingly repulsive and perverted! You ought to feel guilty of yourself, being the storyteller! If you don't look out for yourself, the writer will discharge you!" Pichu shouted up at the narrator.
"And how many people want to see a threesome with Zelda, Marth and Peach?!" Mr. Game & Watch chimed in. "How come I never get to be in any sex stories? Is it because I'm black?"
No, it doesn't. Believe me on that.
"I believe it has more to do that you are a two dimensional, stick-figure humanoid form, Mr. Game & Watch!" Pichu pointed out.
"Well, I can see why it wouldn't be arousing to the three dimensional, pinkie human readers then."
If you two are quite done, I would like to go back to what I was talking about!
"What, threesomes with Marth, Zelda and Peach?"
No, that's not what I-
"I still find that discussion of loveless sex between the two golden-haired princesses and the blue-haired prince to be utterly vile, and wonder why humans claim that us Pokémon are messed up when they fantasize about imaginary characters having threesomes! Not to mention that some hentai is Pokémon with humans, and to me, that is disreputable beyond words-"
Pichu! I need to get back to the story!
"You leave out any more references to that threesome you brought in, and I'll keep quiet for the rest of the story's start!"
Thank you.
Anyway, if you forgot to read the last chapter or forgot what happened in the last chapter, then here is a review for those of you who want to save time and not go back to the last chapter:
The mansion of Super Smash Brothers Melee is being attacked by giant spiders. Twenty-seven of them are special, talking spiders who look like one of the Smashers (counting Nana and Popo apart, and Daisy too).
Everyone in the mansion is running from the deadly spiders, hoping to not become victums of another fanfiction where they die one by one (and sometimes faster than that).
So, they're in big, big trouble! Yes, huge trouble! They're all in so much trouble-
"Start talking again, Pichu. We need a broader vocabulary."
"Thank you. I think the spiders have hatched a diabolical plan spells one simple word."
"And that would be?"
"Catastrophe."
"I should've known that one simple word' would not be so simple!"
"Yes, you really should have expected that coming!" Pichu chuckled, then looked around. "So...what do you think we should do?"
"Kick spider arse?"
"Well, I am able to find four flaws in that plan. One, there are far too many spiders for you to kick. Two, spiders don't really have an arse. Three, you couldn't kick anything with those 2-D feet if your life depended on it. Four-"
"All right, I got the point! How about if I call the local pest control?"
"Are you aware of their number?"
"I was hoping for them to take Ganondorf, claiming he was a horribly big cockroach."
"Well then, I would advise dailing their number so that we can get rid of these giant arachnids! ...And see if you can get rid of Ganondorf at the same time!"
"Okay then!" Mr. Game & Watch picked up a nearby phone, but was dialing the number awfully slowly.
"Why do you proceed at such a slow pace that it makes slugs look like chariot races?!" Pichu hollered, jumping up and down in anxiousness.
"It's one of those numbers that is made of letters. I hate those,"
"The same hatred can be remarked from the little yellow Pokémon jumping and down on the floor!"
* * *
Pandimonium was ensuing all accross the mansion. The Smashers and the spiders were running all over the place, trying to either eat someone or avoid being the certain someone being eaten. Groups of the Smashers were seperated from each other, while legs and body organs of some spiders were seperated from their hosts.
"I'm going to be sick," Zelda moaned as she slammed the door shut. "That's the fifteen spider I've seen explode like a bomb full of goo!"
"I told them to avoid the leftovers the fridge!" Fox shook his head as he looked cautiously into the kitchen from the door window. "Seems they have an appitite for food that is growing its own life forms. ...Come to think of it, it must be the life forms that are attracting them."
Zelda looked up at the vulpine boy. "Are they trying to come after us?"
"Nope. Oooooh, another one bites the dust!"
"I sure hope Link is okay!" Zelda muttered to herself. "These things are everywhere, and I...didn't mean to get seperated from him...,"
"Nor did I when I found myself seperated from the others!" Fox sighed as he sank down in the chair next to her. Shaking his head in disbelief, he muttered, "It's utterly chaos, not to mention nerve-shattering. I think I'm going insane,"
"You're not going insane, Fox."
"I saw one of those spiders wearing a pink dress and a golden crown! Please tell me what that can mean other than Fox's brain is failing on him'?!"
"Hey, I saw a spider wearing a green skirt! I'm going just as crazy as you are!" Zelda replied, frustrated because at any moment, she thought she was going to die.
Fox's look of frustration and fright wiped away from his face pretty quickly. Zelda's look of frustration and fright did not.
"And one more thing!" Zelda snapped, losing her temper. "We both need to stay alive, so I don't think we should complain about things like imagining-"
"Say that last part again," Fox asked her quietly.
"What?!" Zelda looked over at him.
"The part of the skirt...did you say a green skirt'?"
"Fox, this is NOT the time to start imagining me in some short-" she was interrupted when Fox sprang up from his chair and almost smushed his lengthy nose against the window of the door. His eyes had grown so wide that Zelda was afraid that the skin was stretched beyond comfort.
"What are you doing? That has to be bad for your eyes! Get your face farther from the screen!" she whispered in a hiss.
"They look like us," was all Fox would say back.
"WHAT?! Honey, if you're referring to the spiders, I really don't find that funny! You don't look like a hideous, overgrown spider, no matter how different you look from me!" Zelda tried to comfort him, putting a hand on his shoulder.
Fox looked at her slowly, then replied, "I didn't mean my race, I meant the Super Smash Brothers."
"...Excuse me? Are you saying that Link and Peach and I look like-"
"No, no! Look!" Fox pointed at the window, and Zelda saw a most disturbing sight. There was a giant spider with horns, flaming red hair on the side of its head, and spikes on its back, wolfing down the food in the refrigerator.
"Don't you see?" Fox replied.
"...Yeah. That extra-freaky spider is eating Ness's leftover birthday cake."
"What I meant is, don't you see who he resembles?"
"I'm not sure, but Ness will probably resemble a red-hot, irate kid when he finds out about this!"
"Zelda! That spider looks like Bowser!"
The princess of Hyrule suddenly understood, because the author is getting tired of making her dense. "...You're right! And the spider you saw with the pink dress and the golden crown...?"
"Peach," Fox muttered as he leaned against the wall.
"So that means the one wearing the green skirt is actually...!" Zelda's eyes widened, almost as much as Fox's did. "Oh."
"Uh...yeah. Better not tell Link about that."
"I'll say."
"Well, I think what we're dealing with is that these spiders are trying to kill us, then replace us as the Super Smash Brothers with their look-alikes'!"
"But they look nothing like us!"
"Spiders don't have much intelligence, Zelda, no matter how big they are."
"That's true. So...what are we going to do?"
"I'm going to kill that Bowser spider!" Fox pulled out his laser gun and edged to the door.
"No! Fox!" Zelda grabbed his arm, and he looked at her. Her eyes were filled with fright and worry. "It's too dangerous! That spider can kill you, if the thousands of other spiders don't!"
Fox looked into her beautiful blue eyes, then looked out the window. "I don't think I'll have that much of a problem."
"How come?"
"The Bowser spider left. One that has no legs has replaced it."
"A legless spider?"
"Bingo. Looks like a bowling ball with a hair problem."
Zelda grimanced, and then Fox burst into the kitchen! She scrambled after him, only to see he had shot the two hundred spiders that were around the legless spider had been shot dead by him!
"Fox!" she exclaimed in total shock. She had only lost sight of him for three seconds! "How did you-"
"Gotta love this new laser gun they gave me for SSBM!" Fox laughed as he blew away the smoke coming from the gun that could easily be mistaken for a factory's smokestack.
"What do you think you're doing?!" Kirby Spider roared. "I was going to use them for bowling pins later on.
"Okay, dork!" Fox shouted, using what was now the most obscene and degrading insult to the Super Smash Brothers. "You're going down! I'll blast a few holes in you, you bowling-ball loser!"
"We will not get anywhere just rolling and shooting!" Kirby Spider shouted. "Actually," it thought. "I won't get anywhere but dead. I'm just trying to even the odds!"
Fox raised an eyebrow. "Okaaaaaay. What do you propose?"
"Oh, I'd probably use a 24-karat gold ring with a clear diamond! Women love those!" said Kirby Spider.
"Really? Well, what if the lady in question has a favorite color, or really, REALLY captivating eyes?"
"Good point. But, I'd propose with the best ring moths can buy!"
" Moths?' "
"Spider's form of currency."
Fox nodded. "Makes sense. Though what happens if moths go extinct?"
"What happens to you humans when George Washingtons go extinct?!" retorted Kirby Spider.
"What an idiot," muttered Zelda.
Kirby Spider looked over at the Hyrulian elf, then raised several spider eyebrows. "Hey, is this the chick you're proposing to? She could get caught in my web anyday!"
Zelda felt like hurling. "UGH! A spider finds me attractive!" Trying hard NOT to hurl (and picturing Zelda hurling is just wrong, wrong, wrong), Zelda looked over at Fox and requested, "Please kill him!"
"AUGH! Wait!" Kirby Spider shouted as Fox leveled the barrel of his laser gun at it. "Gimme a fighting chance! I have no legs!"
"So what do you want?" asked Fox, not lowering his gun.
"Let's say I'm a Resident Evil™ spider! So I can spit posion at you and your shots don't kill me right away!"
Fox raised an eyebrow. "How do we do that?"
"Ask the author. It IS his story, and he can do what he wants."
Author's Note - Okay, but don't ask for legs! The whole concept of humor is based around you not having legs. You want legs, you can go to KFC and order some!"
"Har har har!" Kirby Spider laughed sarcastically.
Suddenly, the athosphere changed considerably. The lighting of the kitchen turned several degrees darker. Fox McCloud was dressed as Chris Redfield, wearing Chris's green S.T.A.R.S. outfit, but still holding his laser gun. Zelda was dressed as Jill Valentine, equiped every part of Jill's S.T.A.R.S. outfit, from her beret to her handgun. Kirby Spider was now a short distance from Fox, but seemed to carry an aura of terror, even without its legs.
The mood of the place changed to Resident Evil™ style as well. It made people in the room, and looking at the room, think things like:
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SOUND?! AAAAAAAAHHH!!"
"Like the outfit, Zelda?" Fox asked her politely as he looked at her, twirling his laser gun on his finger. "That's what Jill wore in Resident Evil™, yet it sounds so commerical when I had that stupid ™. It's such a great game."
"You play it?" she asked.
"Yep."
"What's it like?"
"Alfred Hitchcock combined with Stephen King."
"HA HA HAAAAA!!" exclaimed Kirby Spider. "I will kill both of you now with a poisonous attack, and you won't find a Blue Herb in time!"
"Did I mention something, you bowling ball?" spoke up Fox.
"Apart from proposing tips? No."
Fox then was able to pull an enormous object from his pocket, which is what all Resident Evil characters can do. The object at hand (or, to be more specific, Fox's hand) was a Rocket Launcher with infinite ammo.
"I'm quite good at Resident Evil," Fox couldn't help but grin. "Good enough to unlock the bonus stuff."
If spiders could sweat in terror, the Kirby Spider would. If they could turn pale, the Kirby Spider would. If they could wet their pants, then spiders would look pretty stupid, because they were wearing pants.
"Uh-oh!" was all spiders of huge sizes, vocal abilities, and no legs could do.
Fox shot a missile at the Kirby Spider, who screamed and rolled away. All Fox did was leave a humongous crater in the wall. Although Resident Evil game designers leave out when explosions from weapons take place, the author likes signs of destruction, so that was left in.
"Fox!" exclaimed Zelda. "This is our kitchen!"
But Fox, even with his great hearing, couldn't hear Zelda over the sounds of the explosion, and Kirby Spider screaming as he rolled around. Two more rockets blasted out of the launcher, and left smoldering craters in the kitchen's wall, ceiling and floor.
"I really wish you'd stand still!" shouted Fox as he missed yet again with his fourth rocket.
"I HAVEN'T GOT ANY LEGS!! I CAN'T STAND AT ALL!!" shrieked Kirby Spider.
"Well then, stay in place!" ordered Fox.
"Okay!" Kirby Spider stopped rolling and looked at Fox, as if wanting thanks for following the vulpine's orders. He got the clicking sound of the rocket launcher switching to the next missile.
"Thank you," the Chris Redfield-costumed kid commented.
"Oh, shit," replied Kirby Spider.
BA-ROOOOOOOOM!! Fox shot his fifth rocket and blew spider version of Kirby to a sight that makes mothers want to ban video games from their children.
Zelda brushed a piece of spider gore of her beret, then turned to Fox. "Nice job. If the kitchen was so wrecked, I'd be proud that you killed that freak of nature spider."
Fox smirked at her. "You mean it is a kitsune-crashed kitchen!' "
The Jill Valentine-costumed elf couldn't help but chuckle at this little joke. "Nice, but I think you might want to put that away and just use your laser gun."
"Oh, okay."
"By the way, does Jill have a boyfriend?"
"Not really, why?" asked Fox as he put his Rocket Launcher back into his pocket.
"Because maybe the author changed Link into that costume?"
"Pretty likely he didn't. Link wouldn't have a clue who he was if he were suddenly Carlos Oliveria or Chris Redfield."
"Those are the two men who are most paired with Jill the most?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
Zelda thought about this, then suddenly, her eyes shot up. "Wait a minute!" But without waiting for a minute like she requested, she continued talking by asking, "Aren't you dressed like Chris Redfield?"
Fox's face flushed from fright from not only Zelda's suspicion, but that that stupid pun about starting words with f' might have led to the worst of all words, and would have resulted in this story being raised a rating.
"Err...well, in the games, there isn't really any romance!" the vulpine kid used that as his defense.
"You fool!" his brain was shouting at him like Homer Simpson's brain constantly does with him. "That is not a strong enough point! Say the author dressed us up like this!"
"Hey, it was the author who costumed us up like this!" Fox quickly added. "He could have just as well dressed us up as Leon Kennedy and Claire Redfield."
Author's Note - Fox, Leon Kennedy and Claire Redfield is also a popular Resident Evil coupling!
"Quiet, you fool!" cried Fox frantically.
"Yeah, quiet, you fool!" his brain agreed.
"I'm not holding you to fault for what the author is doing, Fox!" replied Zelda.
"Oh, really?" her brain countered. "So if the author goes ahead with that warped coupling of you and him, will you be telling Link that it was the author's fault when he goes after the vulpine boy?"
"Quiet, brain!" replied Zelda angry.
"Who are you talking to?" Fox asked, confused.
"Great move, Zellie!" her brain mocked her. "You got that foxy boy...no, I meant fox boy thinking we're insane now!"
"You're not helping!" muttered Zelda.
Fox looked hurt. "I just blew away two hundred zombies and one of their leaders! Why are you saying I'm not being helping?"
"Oh, great!" Zelda's brain was raving. "Now he's upset at us, and all for a stupid joke that is a rip-off from The Simpsons!"
"Will you shut up already?" growled Zelda, losing her temper.
Now Fox was really hurt. "If you want...," he said softly.
"No! Not you, Fox!" exclaimed the elvin princess. "I was talking to my brain!"
Fox raised an eyebrow. "Is the author ripping off humor from The Simpsons again?"
Zelda smiled and nodded, and Fox noticed there was a bit of spider flesh on top of her shoulder. He reached over to brush it off, and when his hand made contact with her, even though she was fully-clad there, his hand felt very tingly all of a sudden. The romantics reading this story are probably swooning, while everyone else is probably just shouting,
"CUT THE ROMANCE AND GET BACK TO THE VIOLENCE!"
* * *
Pichu and Mr. Game & Watch were now battling the Donkey Kong Spider. The baby Pokémon grabbed a nearby table and smashed one of the spiders legs off. The two-dimensional man pulled a giant mallet from wherever he stores his stuff, and smashed the spider's eyes, bursting several of them. Eye juice and blood ran down the spider's face as Mr. Game & Watch ripped off of the spider's legs and starting beating the Donkey Kong Spider with it.
"AUGH!" the Donkey Kong Spider screamed. "This is so unfair! I don't have fists like Donkey Kong!"
"Don't expect much pity!" Mr. Game & Watch snapped. He grabbed ahold of the tie that the mutant spider was wearing, and yanked hard. Donkey Kong Spider gurgled as he was being strangled.
"Hey...," it gasped. "Can't we all just get along?"
"In a fictional story featuring giant spiders that deserved and were made to be smashed, mutilated, shot and slashed to bloody, gooey pieces to please the ravenous appitites of our many readers who crave the extremly violent type of reading until it is almost sexual to them?" asked Pichu.
"Err...yes?" suggested Donkey Kong Spider.
Pichu smirked. "No chance in the burning Hells, you dork."
With that, Mr. Game & Watch yanked as hard as he could on the tie, slicing the head of the mutant spider off of its body. He tossed the tie away, then sighed.
"I wanted to blow him away with a Sub-Machine Gun, but oh well!" Mr. Game & Watch shrugged.
"I personally prefer the Magnum, because the decapitation of zombies to rid the threat of Crimson Heads springing up and slashing at you with horribly-mutated claws to disembowel you and then tear and rend the flesh with wicked, askew teeth after you have passed away, is quite reassuring," commented Pichu. This was a reasonable concept, and Mr. Game & Watch's nod was the pefect cover, for he really had lost focus at the beginning of that run-on sentence.
The two had been cornered by a dozen spiders and the Donkey Kong Spider when the story was focused around Fox and Zelda. Mr. Game & Watch had pulled a two-dimensional Assault Shotgun out and blown away the lesser spiders, but the Donkey Kong Spider had proved to be tougher, as all major villains do in action flicks and video games that have big guns in them. Pichu had lectured Donkey Kong Spider the immorals of flesh-tearing, poisoning, and being downright creepy, and the Donkey Kong Spider's small brain was so overwhelmed by the baby Pokémon's enormous vocabulary and excellent points, that all action to fight back was shoved out of the bullet wounds that Mr. Game & Watch had blew open in it.
Pichu raised an eyebrow as Mr. Game & Watch pulled out a two-dimensional, pitch-black Flamethrower. "I trust that you will avoid the walls, floor and furniture when you are torching opponents?" he asked.
Mr. Game & Watch then donned a Crocodile Dundee hat and a Steve Irwin accent. "Let's throw another spider on the barbaque, mate!"
And with a loud war-cry, Mr. Game & Watch ran into another room, brandishing his Flamethrower.
Pichu watched in amazement, mixed with a little horror. "Oh, bloody hell!" he exclaimed. "Looks like we'll be leaving you mates in wonder of what going to come next! But don't be dissapointed, for we left you with a huge mix of spider carnage, witty dialouge, and left out the threesome the narrator almost led to! Although we know you hentai-fans are not happy with that, just let me remind you that we do things differently down here. It isn't called the wild outback for nothing! Yet we're done here, so I bid you g'day, mates!
CRIKEY! THIS CHAPTER'S OVER, MATE!
.
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But not the extra details! We, like all fics where SSBM characters are bumped off one by one (or faster), must have a list of their "progress." There will actually be two lists, and current deaths, costumes, positions, and additudes will be listed about the SSBM characters and Supreme Spiders Bringing Madness leaders. The lists are:
SSBM Characters
Mr. Game & Watch - Now in total Australian-style, toasting spiders with a Resident Evil-like Flamethrower.
Pichu - Trying to assist G&W, but he doesn't really need help.
Fox McCloud - Dressed as Chris Redfield, armed and ready.
Zelda - Dressed as Jill Valentine, armed as well.
Everyone Else - Wait for the next chapter. You might get lucky if your favorite one shows up.
Spider Characters
Kirby Spider - Blown to bloody bits by bold Fox's really loud Rocket Launcher.
Donkey Kong Spider - Torn-off top by terribly-tightened tie.
Other Spider Leaders - No word yet. Come back next chapter.
Minor Spider Death Count:
Slashed To Pieces - 1.
Laser Gunned Down - 200.
Machine Gunned Down - 1.
Captain Falcon's Gun Gunned Down - 2.
(REALLY) Bad Food Gone Down The Hatch - 16.
Shot By Assault Shotgun - 12.
Had Foot Put Down On - 2.
Total - 234 and rising!
And only in the first two chapters of this spider-slaughtering mayhem! Aren't you glad you came?