Author's Note - I do not own Game & Watch Series, Pokémon, Fire Emblem, Mario Brothers, Legend of Zelda, Donkey Kong Country, Metroid, Kirby, Earthbound (Mother), Star Fox, F-Zero or SSBM. I also don't own Lord of the Rings, Resident Evil, or Monkey Island.

I don't anything, it would seem. I wonder where I live

Chapter 6 - Retpahc Tluafed

"Don't aim your flame-spewing device at the couch, Game & Watch!"

"No worries, mate!"

FUUUUUUMM!! CRACKLE!!

"I surely hope that one of the other Smashers was wishing for the couch to be the shade of black, because you did a good job at turning it into that!"

Mr. Game & Watch ignored this, and proceeded to torch the spiders that spewed from the open doors. He grinned as he watched them burn to spider cinders.

"Crikey! They just keep coming!" shouted Game & Watch. So far, he had torched thirty-seven spiders, but more kept coming!

"Yes, the process of their entering this room and coming towards us, brandishing their fangs and ugly bodies does make me nervous as to when the pouring of arachnids will stop!"

"You think the other Smashers are okay?!" Game & Watch exclaimed.

"I'm sure they are doing well in this time of spider peril!"

***

"HELP!! EEEEEEWW!! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!" shrieked a very loud, very high-pitched voice from on top of the table.

Peach walked over to the table, rolling her blue eyes and saying, "Bowser, get off the table. You'll break it!"

"Get that icky spider away from me! EWW!! EEEEEEWWW!!"

Rolling her eyes to the heavens, Peach pulled her frying pan from the depths of absolutely nowhere, and bludgeoned the spider's face to a bloody pulp.

"Get it out of here! It's nasty!" wailed Bowser, pointing at the remains of the spider.

"Do it yourself!" retorted Peach. "I'm not in favor of helping those that kidnap me constantly!"

That reminded Bowser of his one true purpose in life. His eyes filled with evil ambitions, he grabbed Peach with his giant claw. Dropping the frying pan in surprise, she shouted, "What are you doing?!"

"Kidnapping you again, my little princess!" he cackled.

A spider walked in front of Bowser. His pupils shrank in fear, and he dropped Peach as he screamed like a girl Koopa.

"EAT HER, NOT ME!! AAAAAAAHHH!!" he screamed as ran from the spider towards the door. But because Bowser is a hulking brute who cannot think straight when he is panicking, he went through the door completely rather than opening it and then going through it.

"DINNER!!" the spider screamed in Spiderish.

"Get away from me, you sick freak!" Peach shouted, grabbing her frying pan, and then beating the (censored) out of the (heavily censored) spider. A pool of spider mulch and legs remained there.

"Hmmph!" Peach hmmph'd. "Teach you a lesson or two to mess with me!"

"Peach! Are you okay?"

Peach turned around to see Zelda and Fox then run into the room, still dressed in their Resident Evil costumes. Zelda's gun was smoking from shooting it so many times, and Fox's laser gun looked like a bonfire was taking place in the barrel.

"I'm fine, how are you guys?" Peach asked casually.

"We're good. Fox has been blasting every spider that comes ten feet within us, so no spider ever can touch us!"

"Ah, he's like your bodyguard now!"

"Chris Redfield is nobody's bodyguard!" muttered Fox, as he walked towards a door to see if spiders were coming.

"Can I have a costume, too?" asked Peach. "This dress of mine is stained with spider goo! How disgusting!"

"Not to mention it could be poisonous!" added Zelda. "I'm sure the special effects department will aid you!"

Then, with a flash of magic, Peach was transformed to look like Claire Redfield. Her pink dress had been changed into Claire's motorcycle outfit, and Peach's blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Instead of a ponytail, Peach carried a Magnum.

"Cool!" she exclaimed.

"Hi, sister," commented Fox as he walked past them to check another door.

Zelda snickered, then said, "I can't see the family resemblance!"

"What do we do now?" asked the vulpine teenager.

"I have no clue," admitted Peach. "But for some strange reason, I have a desire to split up!"

Suddenly, a huge spider burst into the room from one of the doors, knocking the once-useful door away. "DINNER!!" it screamed when it saw the Resident Evil dressed Smashers.

Peach, quick to dispose of the monster, aimed her Magnum and shot at the creature, who exploded like a balloon of spider blood. The Magnum also succeeded in knocking Peach to the floor, for she had never used a Magnum before.

"You okay, Peach?" asked Zelda, looking down at her friend.

"I'm fine...," the Mushroom Princess strained.

"Good thing she didn't have the Rocket Launcher!" pointed out Fox.

***

Link, Marth and Roy were dealing with a ton of spiders, slashing and hacking and making a huge, bloody mess.

"Die, foul arachnid!" shouted Marth, slashing a spider in two.

"Die, stinky spider!" shouted Roy, cleaving another's head off.

"Feel the taste of the Master Sword!" shouted Link, splitting a spider's head in two.

"Needs salt," muttered the spider in Spiderish before dying.

The room was soon filled with many dead spiders, a total of forty-seven. The room was ankle-deep in spider goo, and it was truly a disturbing sight. Yucky, icky icky!

"Now we must find the others!" Link shouted.

"Agreed!" Marth agreed.

"I cannot allow you to do that," Roy most certainly did not say.

It was the Marth Spider! A blue cape fluttered on its back, and it looked at them with its many eyes. Pulling a sword from seemingly nowhere, like all Nintendo characters can do, the Marth Spider gripped it with a hand-like fore claw. "Who wants a piece of me?"

"I'll enjoy a piece of you, spider freak!" Marth approached. "You shall not dare mock me and live to tell the tale!"

"Okay, weiner!" Marth Spider shouted. "En guarde!"

The two dueled with their swords, equally matched it would seem. Then Marth Spider shouted, "You're the ugliest creature I've seen in my life!"

"Excuse me?" Marth shouted, concentrating more on the face.

Suddenly, Marth Spider gained the edge in the battle, and Marth was forced to back up. "You make me want to puke!" Marth Spider insulted him again.

"Vile spider!" replied Marth, not able to think of anything else. Once again, he was forced backward!

"You have the sex appeal of a Shar-pi!" insulted Marth Spider.

"Stop doing that!" Marth exclaimed, almost panicking.

Then, with a strong blow, Marth Spider disarmed Marth by knocking the prince's special sword away. "Ha! I win!" shouted Marth Spider.

"My friend's honor will be avenged!" roared Roy, charging forward.

***

The Peach Spider, pink dress and all, approached Fox, Zelda, and a rather pissed-off Peach.

"How dare you wear that?" she shouted, an aura of fury coming from her.

"I wear what I want to wear!" retorted Peach Spider.

"You dare to wear what I wear?" shouted Peach.

"Yes, I dare to wear what you wear!"

"Well, I don't care if you dare to wear what I wear!"

"Guess what? I don't care that you don't care that I dare to wear what you wear!"

"You dare to not care that I don't care that you dare to wear what I wear?!"

"I can bear that I dare to not care that you don't care that I dare to wear what you wear!"

Fox and Zelda exchanged glances. "Where is this going?" muttered Fox.

"I don't care," replied Zelda.

"I simply cannot bear to see you wear that!" Peach pointed her Magnum at the Peach Spider. "Let's see how you fair now!"

BOOM!! The explosion of the Magnum knocked Peach to her feet again, and blew off two of Peach Spider's left legs.

"Argh!" Peach Spider screamed. "How dare you blow off my legs? But for now, I think I'll care to run away like a scaredy-cat!"

And with that, Peach Spider ran out of the room on six legs, with Fox and Zelda shooting at it. However, the dress-wearing freak was able to make it out of the room, and Fox and Zelda were not in the mood to go after it.

"Medic...," moaned Peach from the floor.

Fox looked down at her, then asked, "You okay, Princess Peach?"

"I think I fare well."

"That's good."

"Should we dare go after that dress-wearing freak now?" asked Zelda.

"Sure! I'll follow it into its lair!"

***

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" said the mighty monkey, and did so with his giant foot. He then rounded on another spider.

"Err...can we talk about this?" it asked, but since the spider only spoke in Spiderish, it came out as a collection of shrieks and titters.

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" repeated the mighty monkey, and hammered the spider with his giant fist, turning the giant spider into a pool of goo. Then he approached a third spider.

"Hey! You can't squash me!" shouted the spider in Spiderish. "The joke will too old!"

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" exclaimed the mighty monkey, and then clapped the spider between his giant hands. The spider was now a squashed pile of goo.

Donkey Kong looked at the three spiders, victims of a very bad run-on joke. He had been separated from the others a long time ago, and was now fending for himself. His limited vocabulary was no problem, for he only once met a spider that could actually speak English, and when Donkey Kong saw that it was wearing a yellow dress, he ran in absolute fear.

In truth, Donkey Kong loved smashing the giant spiders, even it got spider pieces and spider blood on his monkey hands. It was like playing a video game where you can smash huge spiders over and over, and, like some humans out there, Donkey Kong couldn't get enough of that.

Suddenly, a door broke down! Donkey Kong turned just in time to see it collapse and a dozen spiders march in, all in front of an even bigger spider. This one, however, was wearing a red helmet with a green visor.

"Okay, men!" Samus Spider shouted, then pointed at a nearby chair. "Kill that monkey!"

"Yes, ma'am!" the spiders replied in Spiderish, then ran for the chair. It was brutally torn apart and shredded by the spiders' fangs and feet. This made Donkey Kong angry! How dare they destroy that chair!!

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" he bellowed, grabbing a nearby spider by one of its feet. Yanking it off the ground and lifting it in front of him, he slapped the spider, teaching it a lesson he'd never forget.

"I'll never forget this!" the spider shrieked in Spiderish. "You'll regret this!"

Donkey Kong, in seven seconds, did regret it. He had flung that spider at a nearby wall, resulting in it splattering its spider guts all over the wall. Donkey Kong was only really regretting it because he didn't get to stomp on the spider!

"I said kill that monkey!" shouted Samus Spider, pointing one of its legs at a couch. "Ughhh...damn helmet! Can't see a bloody thing with it on!"

The now eleven spiders charged at the couch and massacred the innocent piece of furniture. Donkey Kong, angered again, stomped on them one by one, squashing them into...you get the point.

Pretty soon, Samus Spider was left with one bodyguard, who was violently assaulting a table lamp.

"DIE, SMASHER!!" the spider exclaimed, clawing with its legs.

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH DUMB SPIDER!!" Donkey Kong exclaimed, grabbed the spider, and threw him against the wall, splattering it all over the place.

"Okay, it's just you and me, monkey boy!" Samus Spider shouted, yelling at a bookcase. "What do you have to say about that?!"

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!"

The large monkey ran up to the Samus Spider and punched it, knocking it to the side.

"Ouch!" protested Samus Spider. "How dare you hurt me!"

"Donkey Kong dare! Me no care!"

"I don't care if you don't care that you dare to hurt me!"

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!"

"Err...that doesn't work-"

WHAM!! A solid kick to the side and Samus Spider was sent sprawling again. Donkey Kong grinned and approached her, cracking his knuckles.

"Go ahead, finish me off!" wailed Samus Spider. "You'll go down as the monkey that killed a blind spider!"

That stopped Donkey Kong, who looked at Samus Spider with curiosity. "If Donkey Kong remove spider's helmet, will spider be happy?"

"Sure! We don't have to wait until the end of the game to remove this helmet!"

"Okay, then!" Donkey Kong grabbed the helmet and pulled hard.

"OUCH!! You're hurting my neck!" Samus Spider protested.

"Helmet stuck!"

"I know, so pull harder!"

Donkey Kong did, and finally yanked the helmet off. The only problem was that the head was still in it.

"Donkey Kong took helmet off! See, spider-" Donkey Kong stopped and looked at the carcass of the spider, blood flowing from the large opening where its head used to be. "Oops. Donkey Kong pull a little too hard!"

He then looked at the helmet. "What Donkey Kong do with helmet?"

Then another of the normal but still large spiders walked into the room. It saw Donkey Kong, and Donkey Kong saw it.

"DINNER!!" it shrieked in Spiderish.

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" cried the mighty monkey, and flung the helmet at the other spider's head with such force, it squashed the spider's head with a burst of spider blood and brains.

***

Marth, Roy and Link backed up from Marth Spider, all three of them disarmed by the abomination with a cape. It waved its sword at them triumphantly. "Who wants to die first?" it asked politely.

"What a very tempting offer!" whimpered Roy. "I'll pass however!"

"Hey, Marth Spider!" shouted a familiar voice from behind them.

"What do you want, unidentified fool?" shouted Marth Spider, turning around to see Mr. Game & Watch and Pichu standing nearby.

"I've come to throw YOU on the barbecue, mate!" Mr. Game & Watch shouted, pointing the Flamethrower at him.

"Just you try it!" Marth Spider replied cockily, brandishing his spider. "Spider's Fang here has disarmed the three greatest sword masters of all the Smashers!"

"Spider's Fang?" repeated Game & Watch, confused.

"My sword's name!"

"Fine then. Weirdo," Game & Watch added under his breath.

"Stand behind my body and be defended back there, my associate!" shouted Pichu, stepping forward. "This Marth-impersonating freak is mine to slaughter!"

Suddenly, the special effects department transformed Pichu's costume! He was now wearing blue pants, a white shirt, and welding a pirate's scimitar! Marth Spider smirked, and shouted, "En guarde! Touché!"

"Oh, that is so cliché!" retorted Pichu as he lunged forward. The two dueled with their weapons, equally matched in skill.

"Killing you will be justifiable homicide!" shouted Marth Spider.

"Then killing you will be justifiable pesticide!" retorted Pichu.

Marth Spider was forced to back up. "Argh! You are trained in the arts of Insult Sword Fighting!"

"You'd better believe it, dork! Give up now, or I'll crush you like a grape!"

"I would if it would stop your WINE-ing!" Pichu backed up as Marth Spider gained a boost, and they were back to their original position.

"You Pokémon have no brains in your head!"

"You freaks have no reason to not be dead!"

Pichu gained the advantage and forced Marth Spider to back up. "I think you are the dumbest thing on Earth!" Pichu shouted.

"Errgh...I think...you're ugly!" strained Marth Spider, and was forced to back up again.

"You look like something just died a painful death!"

"Auugh...I know you are but what am I?"

Now Pichu was overpowering Marth Spider. Pressing his scimitar down on Marth's Spider's sword, who was holding it up as his only defense, Pichu grinned wickedly at the trembling spider.

With a whimper, Marth Spider tried, "You fight like a dairy farmer!"

"How appropriate! You fight like a cow!"

With that, Pichu cleaved the spider's sword in half, and then drove his blade through the spider's head, cutting it in half and spilling its brains (not that it had much) all over the floor.

As Pichu sheaved his sword, Mr. Game & Watch approached him and patted his back. "Good work, mate!"

"I take your compliment with open arms and thank you considerably! I do what I can to help my friends!"

Marth, Link and Roy were picking up their swords when suddenly, a door was broken down! But as a dozen spiders walked in, the door propped itself back up!

"I'M SICK OF YOU STUPID SPIDERS KNOCKING US DOWN AND BREAKING US OPEN!!" the door roared, no mouth seen but still speaking for the sake of humor. "DIIIIIIIIIIEEEE!!!"

With that, the door threw itself down and squashed two puzzled spiders into bloody pulps. The leader of the spiders, a larger spider that was pure black and eyeless, beeped and clicked.

"MY EVIL SPIDER CLONE!!" Mr. Game & Watch roared, discarding his Flamethrower, hat and accent. "YOU DARE TO DARE ME WITH YOUR PRESENCE?!! I'LL SHOW YOU THE TRUE MEANING OF TWO-DIMENSIONAL POWER!!"

Pichu's eyes widened in fear. "Oh-no, Game & Watch! Do not use the-"

But it was too late. Out of two-dimensional nowhere, Mr. Game & Watch pulled out a battle ax that was about the same size as a pool table. "YOU CAN TASTE MY AXE!!"

"Mr. Game & Watch, are you sure you want to be welding a giant wea-"

"NO POINTY-EARED POKéMON IS GOING TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!" With that, Mr. Game & Watch charged forward, cleaving a spider henchman in half.

"He's gone Gimli!" cried Roy, sort of frightened by this change of events.

"I'll get more than he will!" Link smirked, and his costumed changed to something that looked very Legolas-like. Firing his bow in a steady stream, he killed three spiders with three well-aimed shots.

Mr. Game & Watch Spider beeped and clicked, then turned around and ran as fast as his spider legs could take him. The real Mr. Game & Watch, who was just done slicing another spider into pieces, noticed this and bellowed a war cry, running after the monster. "DIE, SHELAB!!"

"Please delay for myself to catch up, Gimli!" Pichu called to his friend, running after the berserking, 2-D man.

"This is just too weird!" groaned Marth as he watched the two run out of the room.

Link finished the rest of the spider bodyguards off with a few arrows, then nodded. "I agree. But at least I won that little round against Game & Watch!"

"Gimli & Watch, now," corrected Roy.

***

Mr. Game & Watch chased after Mr. Game & Watch Spider throughout the mansion, Pichu running after them. As they did so, Pichu was shouting,

"You realize that the chapter is now over, and we will have to wait until the next chapter to see what happens next! We have already enlisted the aid of Resident Evil, Monkey Island and Lord of the Rings in our fights and costumes, and the spiders death count is very pleasing! A lot of blood, a lot of gore, but surely is that not what the readers want? We leave you with these words of wisdom, for they surely describe this chapter best!"

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" SPLAT!!

THE CHAPTER ("HOW DARE YOU SQUASH MY FRI-" SPLAT!!) IS OVER.

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SSBM Characters

Mr. Game & Watch - With large battle ax and raging temper, he is going after the Mr. Game & Watch Spider.

Pichu - Dressed as Guybrush Threepwood. Trying to assist G&W again, but he doesn't really need help again.

Fox McCloud - Dressed as Chris Redfield.

Zelda - Dressed as Jill Valentine.

Peach Toadstool - Dressed as Claire Redfield.

Bowser - Running from the icky-gross spiders!

Marth - Weirded out by what is going on.

Roy - See Marth.

Link - Dressed as Legolas, thrilled that he out-scored Gimli & Watch.

Donkey Kong - DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!! (SPLAT!!)

Everyone Else - You'll have to wait again. Seems like they're just far too busy to come to the chapter right now, so you can leave a message after the beep.

Spider Characters

Kirby Spider - Ended by extremely explosive rocket emitter!

Donkey Kong Spider - Head handed to him (literally) when tie tightened too much!

Marth Spider - Lost Insult Sword Fighting, was Immediately Sliced Fervently!

Samus Spider - Helmet and head heaved off by homicidal humanoid!

Peach Spider - Two left legs blown off by Peach/Claire's Magnum, running as best it can in a pink dress.

Mr. Game & Watch Spider - Running as fast as his black, spider legs can take him, but luckily not burdened by a pink dress.

Bowser Spider - Eating from the refrigerator once again. We didn't add him in the last one because it was just a cameo, but because he threatened to eat us, we changed our minds.

Pikachu Spider - Recovering from electric shock Pikachu gave it in Pikachu's room. See Bowser Spider for why he was not mentioned in Chapter 5.

Other Spider Leaders - Well, we've still got Pichu, Daisy, Mario and Luigi, Falco and Fox, Captain Falcon, Link and Zelda, Jigglypuff and Mewtwo, Roy, Ganondorf, Yoshi, Ness, Popo and Nana, Doctor Mario, and Young Link. Stick around, and you'll most likely see one or two squashed.

Minor Spider Death Count:

Slashed To Pieces - 48.

Laser Gunned Down - 200.

Machine Gunned Down - 1.

Magnum Gunned Down - 1.

Assault Shotgun Gunned Down - 12.

Captain Falcon's Gun Gunned Down - 2.

(REALLY) Bad Food Gun Down The Hatch - 16.

Had Foot Put Down On - 12.

Flamed To The Point Of Incineration - 37.

Frying Panned But Not Burned - 2.

Donkey Kong Squashed Spider - 5.

Flung And Splattered On The Wall - 2.

Crushed With Samus Helmet - 1.

Crushed By Angry Door (...Weird) - 2.

Axed - 2.

Arrowed - 8.

All In All - 349! ("DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" SPLAT!!) ...350!