Disclaimer - Sigh. I don't own SSBM, any characters or anything in it. I don't own Resident Evil, Lord of the Rings, Terminator, Muppets, Monkey Island, Eight Legged Freaks, or anything that is mentioned in this story that belongs to a company that could sue my socks, pants and hat off of me. But I do own my socks, pants and hat (for now).
***
Chapter 08: Resident Spider - I.Q. Zero
A large building that was made for Nintendo heroes: The Smashers' Mansion.
A large collection of spiders freaks attack the mansion: Big trouble.
The fact that even though it has been three chapters, and this is the fourth one, the spiders still aren't dead yet: Really big trouble.
There are still many unanswered questions about these seemingly brainless and yet intensely hungry spiders.
Though it is believed that there is a leader for this huge spider enterprise, little is known as to the origin of this faceless freaky thing.
When was it established?
By whom?
And why the hell are we copying the Resident Evil Zero opening?
To uncover the truth, we must delve deeper into the events which transpired in the beginning before the mansion incident.
***
The leader of all spiders was sitting in his living room, when he got an idea.
"I want to become invincible and rule the world."
And that's how it all started.
***
Ganondorf Spider walked towards his boss, his spider chain mail clinking loudly. "Boss?" he spoke up.
"I already knew you were here," muttered the leader of all the spiders, his back to him. "I heard you coming ten minutes ago. Get quieter armor after we become invincible and rule the world!"
"Yes, sir!"
"Now what is it? I'm a very busy spider!"
"Sir, we want to let you know that we've searched floors three through five thoroughly, and there is no trace of it there. The second and first floors are being searched now."
The leader of all the spiders rolled his many eyes. "You had our troops search the third, fourth and fifth floor for the Stock Producer?"
"Yes, sir!"
"Have you forgotten that we know for a fact that the Stock Producer is located in the basement?"
"...Well, it never hurts to check, sir!"
"Not true, Ganondorf Spider. I will personally hurt you for checking!" With that, the spider kicked back with one of his rear legs, catching Ganondorf Spider in the face.
"Ow!" best suited Ganondorf Spider's pain.
"Now have all our troops search the first floor only for the entrance!"
"Yes, sir!"
"And by the way, how many of the Smashers have been killed?"
"Errr...none, sir."
"WHAT?! ...Not even Captain Falcon?!"
"No, sir."
"That can't be a good sign."
"Shall I double our efforts, sir?"
"You'd better! And tell the troops to go after those Smashers and rip them to shreds! Especially the two who I want dead the most!"
"Yes, sir! I will do that four, sir!"
The leader spider was puzzled by that. "What the hell are you saying, Ganondorf Spider?"
"I am doubling my efforts! Now, 20/8, sir!"
As Ganondorf scurried away, the leader of all arachnids shouted, "And drop that stupid pun!"
"Two moments, sir!" Ganondorf Spider scurried back. "Now, what was you said beeight?"
Fuming, the leader of the spiders smacked the dimwit across the face. "Just go away, and get those Smashers!"
"At twice, sir!"
***
After much running, smashing, crushing and sub-atomic explosions that wasted a lot more than just the wallpaper, all of the Smashers met on the first floor. They were safe in a special room, a space not even a spider would dare entering.
"Thank goodness they made the men's room so large!" commented Marth. "Otherwise, we'd never all fit in here!"
"Donkey Kong squashed many spiders!" chimed the large, very happy monkey. "See?" he pointed to his feet, which were covered in spider blood.
"Thank goodness there are toilets here," moaned Nana. "For I'm going to puke at any minute!"
Zelda rubbed her back for comfort. "So, what do we do?" She looked around at the others.
"Well, let's plan something!" Mario suggested, looking at them all from behind his shades. "Does anyone have an idea?"
"Launch a mass assault! Kill them all and butcher their children! Drive stakes through their heads, and make them all dead! Slaughter every last one of them!"
"Thanks for the opinion, Peach. Anyone else?"
"I say we kill them all now, and then we dance on their graves! Have fun tormenting them by squashing them and pulling off their legs!"
"Okay, Young Link! Does anyone have any plans besides maiming them?" shouted Mario.
"How about taunting them?" Young Link suggested. "We'll make them so cross, they'll make mistakes?"
"Like what?" asked Mario, meaning the mistake part, but Young Link he meant the taunt part.
"Well, we'll say Spiderman couldn't even beat the Tick if he wanted too!"
"Yeah!" agreed Popo. "And that spiders aren't good enough to be considered insects!"
"And that their women have hairy legs!" laughed Luigi.
"How about that they make blind people cry?" suggested Daisy.
"Yeah! And Mario can pretend to be the blind guy!" said Jigglypuff.
"But he's not really blind!" pointed out Bowser.
"Maybe we should say they are as stupid as Bowser!" suggested Yoshi.
"People! Dis es getting us nowhere!" Mario exclaimed. "Think, people! What can we do?"
"Well, since we're in the bathroom...," said Ganondorf, "let's give em swirlies!"
"Let's give him a swirlie!" suggested Bowser, pointing at Ganondorf.
"Let's give both of you swirlies!" barked Samus.
"Enough with swirlies!" exclaimed Falco. "I don't think any of us want to grab one of those things, and then try to shove them in a toilet!"
"Why not?" asked Link. "It would be a more convincing death than some of the other spiders have suffered."
"Like being beaten to death with a frying pan!" said Roy.
"How about the door that got pissed off and killed a few spiders?" Doctor Mario reminded them.
"I still think my killing them with a potted plant was disturbing and stupid," admitted Mewtwo.
"How about the one that choked to death on spider eyeballs?" Popo reminded them.
"How about the ones that were eaten by Yoshi Spider?" Ness suggested.
"How about you all shut up?" Ganondorf snapped.
"How about YOU shut up?" exclaimed Pikachu.
"How about you both shut up?" shouted Mario.
"How about you all grow brains and know what the conversation is about?" boomed Mewtwo.
"What about how about?" Yoshi asked, who was getting rather confused.
"Why don't we all just go crush them?" shouted Peach.
"Why don't I eat them?" Kirby suggested.
"Why don't I eat you?" chuckled Bowser.
"Why don't I eat you?" Kirby snapped back.
"Why don't I eat both of you?" shouted Mario, then he added, "Err, actually, I don't want to do that."
"Let's just go and smash them!" Link cried.
"I don't want to go!" whimpered Ganondorf.
"I don't want to go either!" wailed Bowser.
"I don't want either of you to go either!" snapped Zelda.
"Either or either?" Yoshi asked out loud, now very puzzled.
"Let's open a can of whup-ass on them!" exclaimed Captain Falcon.
"Let's open a can of bitch-slap on them!" exclaimed Princess Peach.
"Let's open a can of Pepsi! I'm thirsty!" Link requested.
"I'm hungry!" wailed Bowser.
"I'm hungry and thirsty," commented Daisy, "but you don't see me complaining!"
"Then what was that, a news flash?" argued Falco.
"A news flash would be the spiders being gone!" exclaimed Marth.
"A news flash would be all of you growing brains," muttered Mewtwo.
"News flash! DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" exclaimed you-know-who.
"News flash! You all suck!" exclaimed Ganondorf.
"You suck, dude!" Ness shouted.
"There's a news flash about a can of Pepsi being squashed?" cried Yoshi.
"I say, we get out of here!" Bowser exclaimed. "Women and children last!"
"How about no?" the Ice Climbers suggested.
"How about yes?" barked Ganondorf.
"How about we feed them the turtle and chain-mail boy?" suggested Samus.
"Yeah, feed them the Falcon-wannabe!" exclaimed Jigglypuff.
"Feed them the Mario wannabe!" shouted Bowser.
"Which one?" Ganondorf asked, and the two evil beings laughed.
"Feed them the two morons who thought that was funny!" exclaimed Falco.
"That's not a nice thing to do to the readers," pointed out Zelda.
"Feed them the Link wannabe!" Ganondorf cackled.
"Feed them the other Link wannabes!" Young Link shouted, pointing at Marth and Roy.
"Feed them the sword master wannabes!" exclaimed Roy, pointing at Link and Young Link.
"Feed them all the wannabes!" Mewtwo suggested.
"Wait, the wannabes are feeding the women and children last to the readers?" asked Yoshi, whose brain was throbbing.
"No! Better yet...," growled Bowser with a demonic grin. "Feed them the 2-D freak!"
"And feed them the nerdy, Pikachu-wannabe to go with it!" boomed Ganondorf.
Yet the two scapegoat sacrifices were nowhere in sight! The Smashers looked around the bathroom for them (except for in the toilets, of course), yet couldn't find them!
"Where are they?" roared Bowser.
"Oh, you mean Game & Watch and Pichu?" spoke up Fox, startling everyone because he hadn't said a word yet. "They left five minutes ago, saying that were tired of waiting for you guys to decide the obvious, and go destroy the spiders before they become invincible and rule the world!"
The other Smashers stood there in silence, as the obvious sank in.
"Wait, I got it!" exclaimed Yoshi. "Mr. Game & Watch and Pichu are going to sacrifice the women and children Pepsi cans to either the spiders or the news flash, and it's either that, or the how-and-what-abouts die swirlie deaths from the two scapegoat wannabes!"
Fox raised an eyebrow. "That would be one way of putting it, Yoshi."
***
Pichu and Mr. Game & Watch slunk through the shadows, careful not to make a sound. That was impossible, however, for Mr. Game & Watch let out small beeps and clicks when he stepped.
"If you could retrench those continuous sounds from sounding off and then reverberating around the house, our chances of surviving this will aggrandize by a considerable amount."
"Sorry, can't do that, dude."
"It's an irrevocable trait?"
"No, it's just that I can't understand what the hell you're saying!"
Pichu sighed, then rolled his eyes. "Please stop beeping and clicking!"
"Oh, okay!" And so he did.
They then continued to slunk through the shadows, until Pichu heard spiders approaching. Big spiders approaching! They pressed against the wall (not hard for Game & Watch), and watched as Ganondorf Spider approached the Daisy Spider at the end of the hallway.
"So, what's the plan?" Daisy Spider asked Ganondorf Spider, her yellow dress making Game & Watch and Pichu feel somewhat sick.
"Our boss wants us to double our efforts!" he replied. "I am already doing so, and my eighthead is covered with sweat! What shall we do, Miss Daisy Spider?"
"First off, stop telling that stupid pun. Next, get those special spiders to go after the smashers!"
"The special spiders?" he repeated.
"Yes, you fool! Get those special spiders! I want the poisonous ones, the jumping ones, the burrowing ones, and best of all, I want the really large ones!"
"The really large twos?"
"Oh, shut up. Just hurry, for the Smashers are not going to last long against those beauties!"
Pichu was now growing sweat on his eighthead. "Game & Watch, we must expunge the messenger from delivering the message to the spider authorities, or the Smashers will all perish in a great flood of vitriolic poison and murderous abominations!"
"What?!" hissed Game & Watch.
"GET THEM!" shouted the yellow Pokémon, and burst forth from the shadows towards the spiders.
Daisy Spider hissed, and shouted, "The Smashers! Quick, Ganondorf Spider, get those special spiders, and I'll keep them here! Hurry!"
"Nice knowing you!" exclaimed Ganondorf Spider as he ran off.
Daisy Spider was now brandishing a wicked frying pan with a spider logo on the bottom. She snickered at Pichu and Game & Watch. "Is that all the Smashers have to challenge us? A pirate Pichu and a 2-D man?"
Pichu looked down at his Guybrush outfit, and replied with, "I find this outfit to be very enjoyable and not in the least bit hackneyed."
"And besides," added Game & Watch. "We have more than just us on our team! We have the special effects department!"
Daisy Spider laughed mockingly. "And what could can that do?"
Game & Watch decided to show her. "Hey, I'd like a new costume here, guys!" he shouted to nobody at all. And then, through occult powers, he was suddenly a 2-D Swedish Chef!
"What the hell is this?" exclaimed Daisy Spider, but then Mr. Game & Watch burst into song.
"Nurdes bur, ba doooo-bedistadoo!" he walked up to a baffled Daisy Spider, and suddenly yanked her frying pan from her leg's hand! "Yepon berdee da doo...," he raised the frying pan, "BORK!" WHACK! "BORK!" WHACK! "BORK!" WHACK!
"Ooo, my head!" whined Daisy Spider, walking back.
"Tooday, we will be cuken a speeder delaght!" continued Game & Watch. "Ferst, you need a speeder of conseederable size! Like dees whun! Luk at dee beg, beg speeder!"
He then pulled a considerably large blender out from nowhere, a trait many Smashers seem to have. "Now, take yur speeder, an' poot et en dee blendar!"
Daisy Spider's eyes popped open in fear, and she tried to run, but Game & Watch grabbed ahold of her leg. "Let go!" she shouted. "Let go, I say!"
"Doo nut let dee speeder get away, or yull ave to geet a nu whun!" Game & Watch instructed a watching Pichu, who was nodding and taking notes.
"Now, we poot dee speeder en dee blendar!" Game & Watch shoved Daisy Spider, kicking and screaming, into the blender. "Poot de lid on, an' den, we set et to dee pulp setting!"
"No!" shrieked Daisy Spider from her blender. "I don't like pulp! Please use the-"
But it was lost, as Game & Watch pushed the button and started up the blending. Shrieks of pain and blades chopping up the freak spider and her dress were easily heard. "Egnore dee screems uf pain an' aguny from de speeder, fur et es just trying to treeck you entoo opening de blendar!"
"You'll...pay!" Daisy Spider's voice grew weaker and weaker as the blending continued. "I'll...see...to...auuuugh. Blub blub blub...,"
The cries stopped, and Game & Watch turned off the blender. Seven large spiders then approached him, eying him hungrily. "Now, I presen' to you," Game & Watch said to the spiders, grabbing the large blender. "Speeder Surpreese!"
With that, he opened the blender and splashed the gooey remains of Daisy Spider all of the seven giant spiders. The disgusting substance was so repulsive, that the spiders all gagged and died, their dead bodies covered in spider pulp.
"I must say, Mr. Game & Watch," Pichu patted the back of his friend. "You certainly make a mean meal!"
"Thenk you, mee gud friend!"
***
Unbeknownst to our heroes, the leader of all the spiders was watching them from the room where all of the images projected by the mansion's cameras is (so sue me, I don't know its name!). He had received the message from Ganondorf Spider, and was now watching the two Smashers make disgusting pulp out of the spider.
Noticing the that the two were now singing like the Swedish Chef, the leader of all the spiders scoffed and rolled his eyes.
"You are wasting your time. I have already claimed this place for myself,
which means you are trespassing," he grinned evilly. "...And I am very territorial!"
As he laughed diabolically, he watched another camera of a room nearby. A wall was demolished by a huge creature, and its incredibly large, hairy legs crawled out slowly. With a low growl and then a hiss, it charged forward!
...And destroyed the camera in the process. The leader of the spiders fumed in frustration.
***
"So," started Game & Watch, his accent and costume gone now. "What do we do now? Go find the Stock Producer?"
"I would seriously consider that plan of action, and I...," Pichu began, but seeing Mr. Game & Watch shake his head, concluded his statement with, "...say yes."
"Okay then!"
So they started on their way to...
"Err...where should we go?" asked Mr. Game & Watch.
"We will go find the way to the Stock Producer!" Pichu told him.
"Oh, right!"
Marching on their way-
"Uh, where is it?" interrupted Mr. Game & Watch.
"I do not know the location, but we mustn't lose all hope from that fact! We must strive and find it!"
"I hear you, my friend!"
Determined and ready, the two set off-
"Hey, wait a minute!" exclaimed Mr. Game & Watch. "If none of us know where it is, then why on earth did Mewtwo knew what it looked like last chapter?"
"Elementary, my dear Game & Watch. A plot hole!"
"A plot hole? In this excellent piece of Smash Brothers literature?"
Author's Note: Why, thank you, Game & Watch!
"Don't mention it, dude."
"I do believe, however, that the author wanted to include that for the sake of making another joke. Seeing that I am an erudite Pichu, and you are a mischievous Mr. Game & Watch who transforms into Gimli and the Swedish Chef, I would infer that this comedy story would allow another joke!"
"Can we just get to more spider crushing and save the world?"
"I would enjoy that tremendously! Let's go crush their arachnid bodies into more pulp!"
***
"I am NOT going out there!" Ganondorf exclaimed to the others.
Fox McCloud, Princess Daisy and Yoshi had already left the men's room, not only to stop the spiders, but to find and help their friends Mr. Game & Watch and Pichu from a gruesome, spider death. The others, even the toughest of them, were just too gripped with arachnaphobia and sickened by the gore to want to go out there again.
"We can't leave our friends out there!" exclaimed Zelda. "I'm just as afraid of everyone here...," she then noticed Bowser hiding in one of the stalls. "...Okay, maybe less afraid than others, but I don't want to stay here!"
"It's gonna be dangerous from here on in. Why don't we cooperate?" Ganondorf asked, smugness dripping from his voice; it's a good thing that it wasn't real, or Jigglypuff would be drenched in smugness.
"Cooperate? With you?" scoffed Zelda.
"Listen, little girl, if you haven't noticed there's some pretty freaked out spiders in this mansion. And I, for one, wanna get out of here. I don't think we stand a chance of stopping them. Much less, you stopping them."
Zelda bristled. "You expect me to listen to you? The King of Thieves who once kidnapped me? I don't need your help; I can handle this on my own! And don't call me little girl!"
Ganondorf was now overflowing with smugness as he flip a small strand of her hair with his gloved finger and chuckled. "All right, Miss Do-It-Yourself. What should I call you?"
"He's kidnapped her, fought against her and vowed to get revenge on her," grumbled Link, "and he still doesn't know her name?"
"The name is Zelda, but that's Princess Zelda to you!" snapped Zelda, swatting Ganondorf's hand away.
"Well then, princess'," mocked Ganondorf, leaning against one of the stalls. "Why don't you go and try, while I wait here?"
"Okay!" With that, Zelda left the bathroom.
Ganondorf blinked, then grinned. "Wow, I didn't even have to double-dare her!"
"Zelda, wait!" Peach ran after her. "I'm going with you!" Running out of the bathroom, she cocked her Magnum.
Ness shook his head. "How ironic," he said. "We're spoofing Resident Evil Zero, yet those girls are Jill and Claire, and neither of them are in Zero!"
"Who gets to be Rebecca?" Pikachu asked the others.
"I'm not like Rebecca," muttered Samus.
"I don't look like Rebecca!" admitted Jigglypuff.
"Rebecca is twice my age and height!" replied Nana.
"Can I be Billy?" asked Bowser, peering out from his stall.
"No!" the others snapped, and the Koopa King sulked back in.
"Can I be Billy, then?" asked Donkey Kong.
"Hell, no!" replied Link. "I get to be Billy!"
"If anyone's a tough man here, it's me!" shouted Ganondorf. "I get to be Billy!"
"No, I do!" exclaimed Marth.
"None of you are worthy!" cried Roy. "I shall be Billy!"
A five-way brawl between the five erupted, and the others watched. Captain Falcon shook his head in disgust. "All this fighting over someone named Billy. That's it, I'm out of here!"
He walked to the door, when two sets of footsteps followed him. "I'm going with you, honey!" exclaimed Samus.
"And I am too!" replied Luigi, who had already asked the special effects to change him into Billy. He cocked his shotgun and nodded.
"Okay then!" Captain Falcon grinned and nodded, then the three left the bathroom. "Peach, Zelda!" he called. "We're coming too!"
***
To make a very long, very boring story very short, they all left the bathroom after much persuasion ("Get out there, or I'll bash your brains into pulp!"). They all wound up together in one hallway.
"Wowee!" exclaimed Ness, who was coated in spider blood. "Those special balloon spiders rally do explode when ya whack em with a bat!"
"That's nothing!" snickered Falco, twirling his laser gun on his finger. "Suicidal spiders explode when I shoot them, and with a chain reaction, I blew an entire squad to pieces with one shot!"
"Well, we shot dead many spiders!" Peach, also coated in spider gunk, noted, gesturing to her partner, Zelda.
"And those will make great deleted scenes when the DVD comes out!" noted Mr. Game & Watch. "Now, let's hurry!"
The twenty-seven Smashers ran down the hallway, which opened up to a very large and open living room. Mr. Game & Watch's eyes would've bulged if he had them.
"STOP!!" he shouted, trying to hold the others back with his 2-D arms.
"What? What is is? Are we there yet?" exclaimed the others. Pichu was the first to ask a different question.
"Is there any specific reason you called a halt to our grand army of Smashers after it took us so long to all become an allied, fighting force?"
"Yeah, dude," Mr. Game & Watch pointed into the room. "Notice anything about that completely empty living room?"
"Err, no spiders?" guessed Ness.
"Yes, and that is what disturbs me!" pointed out the 2-D man. "If I am correct, I believe that the burrowing spiders have settled a nest here!" Whipping a pair of 2-D binoculars out in true from nowhere fashion, he scanned the room. "Yep, there are twenty-six burrow spider dens in that room! It's a living deathtrap!"
"Only twenty-six?" asked Link. "There's twenty-seven of us."
"Must've forgotten Daisy," remarked Mr. Game & Watch. "I also see the Item Storage room on the other side. As the smallest, thinnest and most handsome of us all, I'll just sneak past these underground freaks, grab a Metal Box and a Beam Sword...," then he put on his Swedish Chef accent. "an' I'll make sum Filayed Speeders fur twentee-seven!"
"Are you sure, my friend?" asked Pichu. "That is quite a perilous feat, and if they hear you-"
"That's why I need all of you shut up for this to work!" hissed the 2-D man, then he started to move into the room.
Gracefully, he stretched his body and placed one foot down on the floor in the living room. Then he pulled the rest of his body into the room. The others watched in fearful tension as he tiptoed across the room. Very slowly, dead quiet, 2-D drops of sweat ran down both sides of his 2-D face as he watched closely for any sign of movement. He looked at the cracks in the floor, signifying a burrowing spider's lair. Trying not to whimper, he tiptoed past them. He was at the middle of the room, and then...
"BOOGEY BOOGEY BOOGEY!!!" roared Bowser as loud as he could; his hatred for Mr. Game & Watch plus his stupidity made him do it.
Jumping ten feet into the air from surprise, Mr. Game & Watch landed with a scream. Then the ground erupted, and twenty-six butt-ugly spiders shot out from their holes, legs ready to snatch their prey.
"I don't wanna die!" wailed Mr. Game & Watch. "Mommy! Mommy! I love you, Pichu! AAAAAH!!"
Yet the spiders were vicious. Almost like flashes, they pounced on their prey, snared it and dragged it back into their den. Then, with much shrieking and wailing, the burrowing spiders ripped their catch alive, ate fresh guts and drank blood, then kicked the carcass to the back of their burrows. They then prided themselves on catching such a good meal.
Luckily, it wasn't Mr. Game & Watch.
The 2-D man stood there, holding up his hands and pleading for mercy. "No, spare me! I'm nothing but a 2-D slice of paper! You'll find me malnutritions and icky-yucky-sicky! I'll give you gas! I'll give you diarrhea! I'll give you another reason why not to eat me! I'll...I...oh."
Mr. Game & Watch then realized that the burrow spiders had snagged themselves when they leapt out! Each burrowing spider had grabbed one of their kin when bursting out, then, too stupid to notice that they had caught a giant spider instead of a 2-D man, feasted on the burrowing spider.
The guts and blood part should have been proof enough for you, for what makes you think Mr. Game & Watch has any?
"Well, that turn of events was very fortunate!" Pichu pointed out, then looked behind him. "Have you succeeded in teaching him not to yell when our companion is crossing enemy lines?"
About twenty of the Smashers had found it upon themselves to teach Bowser a lesson for shouting like that. Bowser then shouted a different way: in pain, as twenty Smashers beat him up.
"Yes, we have!" Fox informed him.
"Mommy, I don't wanna die!" whimpered Bowser.
Suddenly, Mr. Game & Watch's nonexisting eyes lit up, so nothing really lit up, but if he did have eyes, they would have lit up! Also, if he had eyes, he would be rolling them now after hearing that stupid sentence. Wiping out his bell, he rang it as loud as he could!
"Cume an' geet yur delishoush Meester Game an' Watch!" he exclaimed. The remaining thirteen spiders burst out again, snaring each other once again. The one who didn't get one sulked back into his burrow, as the victorious spiders ate the loser spiders.
Now there were eight burrowing spiders. Mr. Game & Watch blew on a 2-D noisemaker, and they burst out again. Only four went back to their graves. Mr. Game & Watch donned a one-man band outfit, and started playing as loud as he could. Four spiders leapt out as Mr. Game & Watch beat the drums, and two were eaten alive as he finished up with the harmonica. Taking the outfit off, he tied it to a firecracker, launched it off with his torch, and it exploded with tremendous noise and color. Two burrowing spiders leapt out, and one was caught, dragged, and eaten alive.
Mr. Game & Watch wiped the 2-D sweat from his 2-D forehead, then said, "Well, coast is clear! Let's go, everybody!"
In saying those words, the final burrowing spider leapt out and grabbed him! Dragging him back to his burrow, Mr. Game & Watch clung onto the edge. He noted, "Okay, one left. Damn math errors!" before he was yanked in!
"NOOOO! My dear friend!" exclaimed Pichu, running into the room. The others followed, but before any of them could reach the hole, a loud shriek from the spider was heard.
"So, ya wanna eat me, huh?" shouted Mr. Game & Watch from inside the hole. "Well then, ya gotta eat all the things I have on my person! Take this 2-D bottle of cod liver oil!"
The Smashers then heard Game & Watch shoving a bottle into the spider's mouth, followed by much gagging from the spider.
"Now try on my 2-D cacti!" Another object was forced down the spider's throat, and he wasn't enjoying this particularly.
"Now eat my 2-D chain saw!" They all heard the motor of a chain saw start up, and then it was forced down the spider's throat. The Smashers above moaned at the thought of having to eat a working chain saw.
"And now to spice things up, have a 2-D salt shaker!" The Smashers above cried out and shuddered as the spider was forced to eat that too.
"An' fur dee final topping, I presen' you wid a eviction contract!" exclaimed Mr. Game & Watch. A piece of paper could be heard whipping out. "I now own this burrow, so get out of my home!"
Suddenly, the mangled carcass of the burrowing spider was thrown out of the hole! It landed on top of Bowser's head, dripping blood, cod liver oil, motor oil, salt and cacti needles from the wounds ripped open from its stomach.
Mr. Game & Watch then walked out of the hole. "On second thought, I don't want it. Really crummy decorated!"
As Pichu hugged his friend in relief, Bowser screamed and wailed as he tore the spider carcass off of him.
***
The Weapon Closet became a great improvement for the heroes. Each was armed or armored with the new items, ranging from the Bob-omb to the Party Ball. Actually, the one with the Party Ball wasn't too happy about it.
"Oooof! Ugggh...hey, could someone help me out here?" strained a muffled Pikachu under the heavy ball.
"Donkey Kong help you!" With one hand, the giant ape picked up the Party Ball, with Pikachu still holding onto it. The little mouse dangled in the air as DK walked on as if the Party Ball didn't weigh him down at all (because it didn't).
"So, what do we do when we get there?" asked Fox McCloud, holding a Ray Gun in one hand and his laser gun in the other.
"HowthehellwouldIknowIamnnotthebrainsofthisparty!" babbled Link, who was wearing a Bunny Hood.
"I think we should just go in and blast them all!" exclaimed Peach, still holding her Magnum. "Shoot them all!"
"We hear you already!" muttered Zelda, who still held her gun.
"..." replied Mario, who had taken the Metal Box, was now much more Terminator-like than ever.
Soon, they came to a stairway that led down to the basement (Yes, we are quite tired of having to write all these details in the plot, so we are just skipping to the point)! Yet before any of them went down there, Pichu motioned to a window that looked down into the basement.
The windows, as Pichu had learned, were soundproof and only they could see the spiders, not the other way around. The basement's main room was like an antechamber, with ten doors lead to other pathways. The main chamber was painted a royal blue and had plush-looking light blue carpet, and it was decorated with couches and coffee tables that were cleverly designed to look like the future's goods, but they really weren't.
The Smashers really didn't give a damn about any of that right now, for the spiders were scurrying through that room like no tomorrow. That was worth giving a damn.
"Wooo, boy," muttered Yoshi, gripping his Beam Sword tight. He was also dressed as a Jedi Knight, due to the special effects. "How are we going to get in there? There's so many!"
"Why don't you use the Force, idiot?" muttered Bowser. He clutched a Bob-omb in his claw, as he looked down at the room.
Mr. Game & Watch, gripping his Home Run Bat, shrugged. "Well, we could go in blazing. We've been lucky as of yet!"
"I nominate you to lead!" chuckled Bowser.
"I nominate you to shut the hell up!" the 2-D man snapped back. "All you've done ever since these spiders have attacked is whine, hide, run and insult those who try to do something! On top of that, you tried to kill me!"
"I see nothing wrong with that!" Ganondorf added, and the two kings roared with laughter.
Mr. Game & Watch was turning red with anger on both sides, and 2-D steam came from his head. In his frustration, he smashed an innocent coffee table to pieces with his bat. "I've so had it!" he shouted. "I mean, it was bad enough when you guys tried to kick me out-"
"Game & Watch," spoke up Pichu. "Maybe we should save the personal-"
"...and now you just don't care about saving our lives and our necks!" continued Mr. Game & Watch. "Why? Because you're too damn selfish to care about anyone but yourselves, and you don't have any guts! Or intestines, for the matter!"
"Maybe we should save this for later and create a plan?" Fox asked him. He looked at the others for support. Ganondorf was giving an irate Game & Watch the finger, Bowser was giving the 2-D man the claw, Pikachu was desperately trying to free his hand from the Party Ball, and Yoshi was making faces at the spiders.
"I'm so pissed off, I could explode!" ranted Game & Watch. "I haven't been this angry and frustrated since I rented Y Tú Mama Tambien, and I got the stupid edited version!"
"Game & Watch, we need to plan out something!" Ness told him, but Game & Watch kept babbling on and on, his anger getting the best of him.
"I mean, all the reviews claim the movie had such meaning, and it made you think!" shouted Mr. Game & Watch. "But I didn't see any, except that I should stay away from teenaged boys!"
"Nyah nyah!" taunted Yoshi. "You morons couldn't find your way out of a fish bowl!"
Pichu shook his head, then looked at the others. "Okay, everyone. We shall take the spiders down there by storm! And after that, we will separate into ten groups, and hurry down the pathways! We must find the Stock Producer before they do, and if they have, before they can use it!"
"...Oh, who am I kidding?" cried Mr. Game & Watch. "The real reason I rented that movie was for the sex scenes! People kept on saying how heavy and real they looked, and I don't buy all the over hyped sex scenes of today's films! I want some action! I'm single, and I don't mind admitting that sex is appealing to me! If it isn't at my age, then there's something wrong with me that I'm not aware of!"
"You spiders are so ugly, you make blind people cry! Ha ha!"
"So, I propose that the ten groups will be like this:
"Mr. Game & Watch and I. We work well, and with his strength and bat, and my intelligence, we'll do nicely on our own."
"But then the damn movie I rented was edited! They cut out practically all of the sex scenes! How dare those freaking editors! Just because they can't get some action doesn't mean they have to take it out on the viewers! I don't pay money to see naked boys, I want to see naked women!"
"You're all so stupid, you could get locked in a supermarket and starve to death!"
"The Mario people can go down the second path. This means Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy and the doctor, but not Yoshi and DK. They'll be Team Three, and will be a fighting force of the most powerful muscles there are!"
"I mean, I watched a few clips of the movie on the internet, like the beginning! Nice sex scenes right from the start, but were they in the movie?! NOOO! They cut one out entirely, and edited one down to nothing! Why the hell did they think I rented the movie, for the plot?! If I wanted a plot, I would buy real estate!"
"And you're all so ugly, you can't go to ugly contests, for they don't take professionals!"
"Team Four will be Zelda and Link, the Triforce Team. I also think that the two dorks, meaning Bowser and Ganondorf, will go down the fifth way, for they won't get along with anyone else."
"Throughout the whole stinking movie, they edited sex scenes down to nothing! The only action those stupid boys got was their sex talk! In fact, that's the only action I got too! And if I want sex talk, I'd go on the stupid internet! They even edited the language! With all those stupid American films with the worst words every five seconds, they had to change the language for this one?!"
"You're so dumb, you think quarterbacks are refunds!"
"Team Six, I will suggest, will be the other Pokémon. I also think Falcon and Aran should be the seventh team, for both being heavy hitting bounty hunters, they'd even cream the Fetts, so spiders aren't going to be much threat to them!"
"So basically, what I rented was a subtitled movie with practically no sex, and a message I don't understand! And if that isn't bad enough, you guys aren't going to let me rent the unedited version, because you saw the first one, and you think that was too much sex for me! Who made Zelda and Link MY parents!? Who made Mewtwo MY guardian?! Just because you guys can't take sex on the screen doesn't mean I can't!"
"And you're so fat, your shadow weights fifty pounds!"
"Team Eight will be the Emblem guys, for I know they'll do okay! The two Star Fox men will be Team Nine, and the final team will be the remaining troops. That would mean the Ice Climbers, Young Link, Kirby and Ness. Are you all ready?"
"Next time, I'm renting the unedited version, and I'm going to fast-foward to the sex scenes only! I really don't care about the plot, I want action! Those editors and whoever decided for the stupid edits can rot in Hell with those spiders! We can see heads being blown off, aliens mauling people, swearing from start to finish, alcohol and drugs and puking, but sex?" Mr. Game & Watch then developed a mocking tone. "Oh-no, we can't have that being in a movie! Nudity? Noooo, they can't allow that either! It's wrong for children to see that, even though they only show those in R-rated movies, so we must protect our children by taking out nudity and sex in R-rated movies, even though they shouldn't be seeing R-rated movies in the first place! ...Who invented these rules?! Someone brain dead, I'll bet!"
"And your mother!" exclaimed Yoshi, enjoying this very much. "She's like a doorknob! Everybody gets a turn!"
The spiders' senses tingled madly, informing them that someone, somewhere had insulted their mother! They bursted towards the stairway that led up to the first floor in a flood!
"Nice going, Yoshi!" shouted Bowser. "You've doomed us all! It's all your fault!"
That snapped it for Mr. Game & Watch. With a mighty swing, he smashed Bowser away with his Home Run Bat! The turtle king screamed as he was launched forward, and landed on the first two spiders that came out from the top of the stairway, squashing them into gooey messes on his chest. The rest of the spiders swarmed towards the other Smashers, ignoring Bowser and climbing over him.
"At last, we will reveal ourselves to the spiders!" exclaimed Yoshi, pulling his hood down and raising his light sab...err, Beam Sword. "At last, we will have action!"
"Action!?" exclaimed Mr. Game & Watch. "I never got any from that darn movie, and I'm taking it out on these freaks!"
Peach cocked her gun and grinned wickedly. "Sa-weeeet!" she chimed. "Time to shoot some more spiders dead!"
"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!" Donkey Kong exclaimed, lifting the Party Ball (with a nervous Pikachu still holding on to it) and the Samus Spider's helmet threateningly.
"But alas," Pichu concluded sadly, swinging his sword aimlessly, "it is the end of the chapter. Yes, no one likes the sudden end of this suddenly-meaningful story, but we must desist here! Fortunately, we are brave and ready, and nobody is going anywhere until the next chapter, so do not fret, readers! You will not be missing anything! Until then, good-bye!"
THE CHAPTER IS OVER, AS YOU CAN EASILY SEE.
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SSBM Characters
Now you basically know everyone is okay, where they are, and such and such. So we'll just sum up everything by if they have a costume and what it is, what weapon they're holding, and what they're thinking right now!
King Koopa Bowser - Holding Bob-omb.
"I sure do want my mommy right now!"
Princess Peach Toadstool - Dressed as Claire Redfield. Using Magnum.
"This is fun!"
Princess Daisy Margarita - Using her frying pan.
"...I've got nothing. Check again later."
Mario Mario - Dressed as Terminator. Using Submachine gun, and is Metal Box transformed.
"..."
Donkey Kong - Holding Party Ball and Spider Samus Helmet.
"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!"
Ice Climbers (Popo) - Using his mallet.
"All right! More blood and gore!"
Ice Climbers (Nana) - Using her mallet.
"Aw, man! More blood and gore!"
Luigi Mario - Dressed as Billy Coen. Using Shotgun.
*cocks Shotgun* "Better have some Green and Blue Herbs ready!"
Link - Dressed as Legolas. Using his sword, wearing Bunny Hood.
"I'mreadyI'mreadyletmeatthem!"
Jigglypuff - Using Parasol.
"I'm guessing now would be a wrong time to start singing?"
Roy - Using his fiery sword and Fire Flower.
"Ah, the fires of battle!"
Doctor Mario Mario - Holding Green Shell.
"The doctor is in!"
Mewtwo - Holding Pokéball.
"I still can't believe these spiders aren't dead yet."
Ganondorf Dragmire - Using Paper Fan.
"I was tricked into this weapon! Honest!
Kirby - Using Star Rod.
"I'm hungry! Yoshi told me spiders taste like chicken! Hmmm, chicken..."
Young Link - Using his sword, and holding Land Mine.
"At least no one's died yet! Then again, I wouldn't mind if Ganondorf kicked the bucket."
Falco Lombardi - Using Super Scope 6.
"Bring it on, you bunch of eight-legged freaks!"
Marth - Using his sword and a Freezie.
"And just when I thought things couldn't get more warped..."
Pikachu - Holding onto the Party Ball.
"Can someone help me get off this thing?"
Samus Aran - We can't tell, for we can't see her!
"I'm using the Cloaking Device, you morons!"
Zelda Gaiden - Dressed as Jill Valentine. Using gun.
"Sometimes I wonder if the humor is this story is actually that great."
Ness - Using Mr. Saturn.
"Ditto to what Zelda said!"
Mr. Saturn - "BOING! Me agree!"
Captain Falcon - Using his gun.
"Hey, I haven't died yet! How convenient!"
Yoshi - Dressed as Jedi Knight. Using Beam Sword.
"May the Force be with us!"
Fox McCloud - Dressed as Chris Redfield. Using Ray Gun and laser gun.
"I'm not getting paid enough for this."
Pichu - Dressed as Guybrush Threepwood. Using Mighty Pirate Scimitar.
"I do believe I already said my piece."
Mr. Game & Watch - Using Home Run Bat.
"When I rent movies with sex, I want movies with sex! Just because no one included me in an NC-17 story doesn't mean I ain't interested! Got that?! I hate censorship!"
Spider Characters
Kirby Spider - Exploded into a ball of *CENSORED* by a handy Rocket Launcher.
Donkey Kong Spider - His head was *CENSORED* and he's dead now.
Marth Spider - Lost a duel of *CENSORED* and is now *CENSORED*.
Samus Spider - Donkey Kong *CENSORED* the mutant spider's *CENSORED*, and is now using it as *CENSORED*.
Mr. Game & Watch Spider - *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED*.
Falco Spider - Taken out with one of *CENSORED* missiles.
Yoshi Spider - Eaten by *CENSORED*.
Daisy Spider - Shoved into a *CENSORED* blender and turned into *CENSORED* pulp.
Peach Spider - Leading the spiders troops to the Stock Producer.
Mewtwo Spider - *CENSORED* the spider troops to the *CENSORED* Producer.
Bowser Spider - Also leading the spider troops to the Stock Producer.
Pikachu Spider -Also also leading the spider troops to the Stock Producer.
Ganondorf Spider - Also also also leading the spider troops to the Stock Producer.
Other Spider Leaders - We still have yet to see Pichu, Mario and Luigi, Fox, Captain Falcon, Link and Zelda, Jigglypuff, Roy, Ness, Popo and Nana, Doctor Mario, and Young Link. Something tells me that we'll see them all in the next chapter of this spider mayhem, and who that *CENSORED* boss spider is...
Minor Spider Death Count Recorded:
Slashed To Pieces - 52.
Gunned Down - 1.
Laser Gunned Down - 213.
Machine Gunned Down - 27.
Magnum Gunned Down - 2.
Assault Shotgun Gunned Down - 12.
Captain Falcon's Gun Gunned Down - 2.
(REALLY) Bad Food Gun Down The Hatch - 16.
Had Foot Put Down On - 12.
Flamed To The Point Of Incineration - 37.
Frying Panned But Not Burned - 2.
Donkey Kong Squashed Spider - 7.
Flung And Splattered On The Wall - 2.
Crushed With Samus Helmet - 1.
Crushed By Angry Door (...Weird) - 2.
Axed - 2.
Arrowed - 8.
Crushed With A Potted Plant (...Really Weird) - 12
Eaten By Yoshi - 12
Eaten By Yoshi Spider - 3
Pounded By Captain Falcon's Moves - 9
SMAAAAAASHED By Ness's Bat - 7
Burned Alive By PK Fire - 1
Zapped By PK Thunder - 1
Blown Apart By PK Flash - 1
Blow Up By Samus Missile - 2
Crushed By Ice Climber Mallet - 1
Crushed With A Table - 1
Choked To Death On Food - 1
Melted By Pulp Remains of Daisy Spider (...Very Weird) - 7
Eaten By Fellow Spiders - 25
Mutilated By Game & Watch Gadgets - 1
Squashed Under Bowser - 2
All In All - 482! Which is *CENSORED* and *CENSORED*, don't you think?