Disclaimer - I'll give you a cookie if you can guess what I don't own. If you guessed anything at all, you get that cookie! I don't own Mario, Zelda, Pokémon, Game & Watch, F-Zero, Metroid, Kirby, Ice Climbers, Fire Emblem, Shakespeare, or a certain celebrity whom I relentlessly insult in this chapter. AND I DON'T REGRET IT! BUA HA HA HAAAAAA!!
Anyway, back to the spider-crushing fun. This'll be the last chapter on spiders; the next is something I want to do very much ever since I saw the millions of Survivor SSBMs of You know those 30 second cartoons where they make an amusing 30-second rendition of a movie or book? Well, take that into mind, combine it with the Survivor stories, and you'll get the next hairline-thin plot of mine!
Chapter 09 - What A Tangled Web We Shoot To Pieces
And so the bloody battle between Smashers and spiders starts suddenly and significantly speedily!
The Peach Spider, with her remaining six, marched up the stairs and pointed at the Smashers. Although the spiders were all rushing at the Smashers with no sign of mercy or regret, she felt compelled to give orders. "Kill the humans!" she exclaimed.
"Excuse me?" spoke up Samus, glaring angrily through her helmet visor.
The spiders all stopped, now confused and needing new orders.
Peach Spider rolled her many eyes, then added, "And the half-men-half-aliens too!"
The spiders burst forward!
"Are you racist or what?" barked Falco.
The spiders stopped again.
"And the half-men-half-animals!"
The spiders sprinted towards them! Donkey Kong cleared his throat loudly, and the spiders halted again, grumbling and muttering angrily syllables.
"And the monkeys!"
The spiders lunged forward!
"What about us, huh?" exclaimed Young Link.
The spiders stopped running, murmuring insults and becoming very disgruntled.
"All right!" shouted Peach Spider, getting very frustrated. "Kill the elves too!"
the spiders exclaimed as they skittered towards their prey!
"Excuse me!" declared Pichu, and the spiders stopped and groaned loudly.
"And the Pokémon too!"
The spiders, now certain that was the last delay, swarmed to the Smashers in furious-
"What about me?" declared an upset Kirby.
wailed the spiders as they stopped yet again. One spider was so bored, it attacked another spider, killed it, but choked to death when eating the dead spider's eyes.
"Kill the round, pink ones too!" Peach Spider sputtered, getting frustrated to the point of explosion.
The spiders ran forward, eager to engage in combat!
"Errr..., excuse me?" Bowser, who was still lying on the floor in the middle of the spider swarm, raised his hand meekly. The spiders halted and complained more. "I just think that you should remember that I'm a-"
"OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!" Peach Spider roared. "Kill them ALL!!"
The spiders were very pleased to hear that; even the Smashers were! The two forces collided in a fury of legs, lashings, hair, hellfire, bodies, blood, steel, skin, weapons and wizardry!
"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" Donkey Kong exploded, stomping a spider.
"SA-WEEEET!!" With a shot that wasn't aimed at all, Peach wasted another spider.
"Here we go!" Luigi aimed his shotgun, and blew two spiders apart, several others getting hit by the splash.
Now it was a total free-for-all of spider fangs and gunshot bangs! The spiders were on all sides, charging and leaping and making a big fuss over nothing! The spiders attacked relentlessly, only to meet gruesome and very silly deaths.
"YOU FIGHT LIKE A COW!" Pichu exclaimed as he carved a spider to pieces.
"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" roared DK, smashing another one to a bloody pulp with the Party Ball (which Pikachu was still stuck too).
"Errr... die! Yes, die!" Ganondorf shouted as he swatted a giant spider with his Paper Fan. The spider was not very impressed.
Mewtwo released the Pokéball it was holding, letting out a Goldeen! The spiders saw the flopping Pokémon, screamed and ran in terror; it's a rarely-known fact that spiders are deathly afraid of sushi.
Yet the Smashers, even with their great numbers, were being overwhelmed! They were being pressed into a small circle, with the spiders advancing on them. Spiders died from bullets, lasers, smashings, cleavings, bludgeons, and stomp ons, but it was not enough!
"There are too many!" exclaimed a nervous Zelda.
"We need more firepower!" replied Popo.
"What we really need is Bowser!" Mr. Game & Watch exclaimed, swatting a nearby spider away from him. "Bowser, come on!"
But Bowser just laid down near the top of the stairs, whimpering and holding his Bob-omb close to him. He could care less about the spiders swarming down the hallway to his fellow Smashers, or the giant, pink dress-wearing spider laughing at him nearby. He just didn't want to get hurt!
"No, do it yourself!" he wailed. "Leave me alone!"
Pichu rolled his little eyes in frustration. "We, the people fighting, will need to conjure up a resolution to the obstacle known as Bowser's complete and utter consternation!" Suddenly, those little eyes lit up! "Hey, Bowser boy! These spiders are gossiping that your body mass is equivalent to a blue whale's!"
Bowser dared a peek in Pichu's direction, sniffed and blubbered, "Wha... what does that mean?"
"He said that the spiders think you're fat!" shouted Mr. Game & Watch.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?" roared Bowser, springing to his feet so hard the the ground shook. Everyone, the humans, aliens, Lylatians, monkeys, lizards, spiders, mutant spiders, Pokémon, elves, marshmellows, and 2-D beings jumped in fear and looked over at Bowser in terror.
"THEY CALLED ME FAT?!" he roared again. An unlucky spider next to him was crushed with a major stomp. "HOW DARE THEY!!!" Another spider was turned into pulp! With a snarl and a quick fling of his arm, Bowser threw the Bob-omb in the middle of the hallway (which was filled with spiders). The Bob-omb exploded, blowing apart and/or incinerating twenty spiders! With another mighty roar, Bowser came tearing in!
the spiders shrieked.
And Bowser certainly did equal the amount of destruction Godzilla could do! The spiders, their only way out past Bowser, were picked off one by one with any attack Bowser conjured up. He breathed fire, six went down in flames; he slashed out with his claws, three were shredded; he jumped in the air and came crashing down, three were squashed; he told one it was fat, and it died of depression; he grabbed one and ate it, it was broken down by his digestive fluids; he puked from the taste of spiders, and the puke killed another spider.
The Smashers also pick off many spiders, and when the survivors ran down the stairs and away from the Smashers, only Peach Spider remained. Bowser glared at her with utter hatred and not-so-nice feelings.
"Hey, I don't think you're fat!" protested Peach Spider. She squirmed in fear when he grinned evilly at her.
"Peach Spider, eh?" he chuckled sinisterly. "Ya know, I've been trying to kidnap Peach for years, and Mario's always foiled me! I don't think he'll both me now!"
"Yes, he would!" shouted Peach Spider. "Mario Spider, help me!"
Suddenly, the red-capped Mario Spider ran up the stairs and headbutted Bowser out of the way. "It's-a me, Mario Spider!" exclaimed Mario Spider, with a Italian accent.
"My hero!" cooed Peach Spider, hugging him.
"This is making me nauseous," grumbled Game & Watch.
Suddenly, a shadow loomed over Peach Spider and Mario Spider. The two spider freaks looked up to see a very much irate Bowser glaring down at them, steam pouring from his nostrils and drool dripping from his nose. ... Oh, wait, that is snot. (And yes, I know some of you will snot find that funny, but you're going to have to live with it; you've just got too, you know, don't be snotty.)
"Grrrr...," were Bowser's wise words. Picking up the Mario Spider and the Peach Spider, he smashed them together with all his might. They burst like slime-filled balloons, splattering Bowser with spider blood. He grinned wickedly from the sludge, and added, "Now that is a much cooler version of Romeo and Juliet, is it not?"
Mr. Game & Watch was trying very hard not to vomit. "Sure thing," he gagged. "Just do not redo Hamlet for us, okay?"
"All right, then!" exclaimed Pichu, swinging his scimitar around dangerously. "Let us then go forth and expunge these vile spiders from our dearly beloved home! We shall not fear, we shall not tremble, we shall NOT scream like sissy schoolgirls," he said, eying Bowser and Ganondorf, "and most of all, we shall prevail! ONWARD, MY FELLOW SMASHERS, AND KICK SOME SPIDER ASS!"
To make a long story short, they did that.
Captain Falcon's uniform was stained terribly with blood. Next to him stood Samus Aran, who had so much spider sludge on her that her armor's warning system was telling her to scrub immediately. Falcon took a deep breath, the smell of spider organs thick in the air.
"That was a long story, wasn't it, Samus?" Falcon said, grinning slightly.
"Yes, and I never would've found out how much I love you during that long story if it hadn't been for that exploding beach ball and the fifteen pairs of tweezers."
"Don't forget the spider who yodeled Neil Diamond songs when we approached him!" chuckled Falcon.
"How could I forget?" laughed Samus.
Mario and Luigi ran by, and the green plumber was wielding a bloodstained rubber chicken. "Hurry up, you guys!" Luigi shouted anxiously. "We have to stop the spiders before they get to the Stock Producer and doom us all!"
"Fine by me," replied Falcon. "The spiders that try to kill us by singing opera are really getting annoying. I don't know how many of those we had to kill!"
Mewtwo groaned in pain as it took several, agonizing breathes of air. Blood leaked out from its body, and stained its once beautifully sleak fur. Sweat coated its forehead, and its eyes were glowing a dim yellow. It glared at its evil clone spider; Mewtwo Spider was grinning in triumph. Mewtwo hissed angrily as a line of blood streamed down its face.
"Damn your cell phone," Mewtwo groaned as it pulled itself upright. "It took all of my powers and energy just to destroy the blasted thing!"
"Well, you don't get to gloat!" laughed Mewtwo Spider. "When you finally did destroy it, it had given you all those wonderful wounds!" It laughed again. "Now I kill you with ease!"
Mewtwo strained, admitting defeat as the monster charged at it. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Mewtwo saw what could save its life. Something that was powerful; something it was experienced in fighting with; something that was incredibly cheesy.
A potted plant.
Using its psychic powers, Mewtwo brought the potted plant to its hands, and used it as a club against the Mewtwo Spider. Now the Mewtwo Spider howled in pain as its own blood stained its body. The tables had turned, and Mewtwo was filled rage and revenge.
By the time Mewtwo had used the rest of its strength, the Mewtwo Spider looked more like road kill than a giant, psychic spider beaten to death with a potted plant. Mewtwo slumped to the floor, its eyes closing slowly.
Doctor Mario, who was wearing a witch doctor's headdress and carrying a Doctor Mario Spider voodoo doll, ran into the room. "Mama mia!" he exclaimed, running to Mewtwo's side. "I-a take one day off of being a normal doctor, and look what-a happens! Stay focused, Mewtwo! I will-a nurse you back to health!"
Just then, Doctor Mario Spider charged in. "Ah, my father clone!" it hissed. "Just what the doctor ordered!"
Doctor Mario acted fast. He picked up one of the fangs from the gory mess previously known as Mewtwo Spider, and drove it into the Doctor Mario Spider voodoo doll. The evil doctor spider wailed in pain as two large holes appeared on his back and belly. Dr. Mario twisted the fang around, and Doctor Mario Spider exploded in a violent mess.
Mewtwo blinked its eyes, and said before it fainted, "Ooo eee, ooo la la, ting tang whala ahla bing bang...,"
Roy stood over his evil spider clone, holding his blade to its face. The Roy Spider's legs had been trimmed too closely, so it could not run. The red-haired combatant scowled at it, until Roy Spider could not take it anymore.
"FINE! FINE! I'M SORRY I PUT WEB ALL OVER YOUR COMPUTER!!"
"That is not enough, foul spider. Do you not know how much disgusting stuff is on that web on my computer?"
"But dude, I need that web. Chicks really dig the web, especially the stuff you consider disgusting!"
"Not true! At least, the women I would like to date have no interest in that kind of filth!"
"Look, if the web bothers you, I'll get rid of the sticky parts-"
"No! I want you to suffer for what you have done! That web has caught over five hundred bugs."
"You can't blame me for all that bondage! I didn't put it there!"
Roy was no longer interested, however. With extreme prejudice, he slashed Roy Spider in half. "Serves you right, you web-dweller."
Pichu and Mr. Game & Watch were in the Stock Producer room. The room was something out of a sci-fi film, with blue glowing sides, a shaft that was fifteen stories down, glowing lights that did nothing but make the place look fancy, and a giant glowing cylinder in the middle. The giant glowing cylinder was reachable by five narrow platforms, and in front of it was a high-tech computer that also had glowing lights that served no purpose.
"Wow!" exclaimed Pichu. "What an incredible amount of flickering lights and beams and technology! I would thoroughly love to study the principals of this arcane place, especially since it all seems to have no general purpose except to look fancy!"
"Yep," agreed G&W. "Sure is."
Then they heard a sound. A sound like a great many footfalls and inhuman shrieks heading that way. G&W and Pichu watched in horror as a bagpipe marching band walked past them.
"Was that supposed to make any sense?" Game & Watch asked his friend.
"In the sense of catching the reader off guard to tell another lousy joke, yes it was."
"Lousy joke?! Not another one!! I'm so sick of those!"
The two turned to see Pichu Spider at the doorway, hundreds of spiders right behind him. "At last!" he bellowed. "The Stock Producer! With it, we shall become invincible and rule the world! MUA HA HA HAAAAA!"
"You mean YOU'RE the leader of the spiders?! Pichu Spider?" G&W shouted incredulously.
"Of course! Who did you think it was going to be clone of? Jigglypuff? Ridiculous!"
Spiders were standing at each of the five entrances, ready to charge the given word. Leading at Number One were the Ice Climber Spiders. Taking the head at Number Dos was Link Spider and Zelda Spider. Captain to the eight-legged troops at Number 12 was Jigglypuff Spider (miffed by Pichu Spider's remark) and Pikachu Spider. Captain Falcon Spider and Fox Spider were at the front Number 6-2, and Ness Spider and Young Link Spider were leading the thousands of spiders at Number 5.
"PREPARE TO DIE, FOOLISH NON-SPIDER MORTALS!" roared Pichu Spider.
"Not so fast!" Mr. Game & Watch shouted back. "You force me to use a weapon so hideous, so terrible that it makes me shudder just thinking about it!"
"Ha, don't make me laugh!" Pichu Spider laughed.
A spider tapped him on his sixth leg. "Uh boss? Usually when they say things like that in comedy stories, they pull out something bizarre and kill all of their opponents with it?"
"Stupid minion!" Pichu Spider crushed the lowly spider's head with one stomp. "What could be wicked and sick enough to kill spiders?"
"THIS!" Mr. Game & Watch then whipped out a photo of Michael Moore.
It was horrible, so shocking that those spiders closer to him exploded and/or melted. The terror caused thousands of the arachnids to die shuddering, heart-stopping deaths, hundreds more drowned in their own vomit and fearful tears. The Ice Climber Spiders took their mallets and crushed themselves to end their misery. Link Spider committed hari-kari with a spider sword, and Zelda Spider smashed her own head in. Jigglypuff Spider popped like a person who's eaten one too many firecrackers, and Pikachu Spider tore his eyes out, bleeding to death shortly afterwards since he had so many eyes. Captain Falcon Spider melted away, oh what a world. Fox Spider tore his own organs out to prevent the overwhelming pain from torturing him. Ness Spider hung himself with his spider yo-yo, and Young Link Spider shot himself with his spider bow.
Pichu Spider blinked his many eyes. "Wow. I never knew he was that revolting. In fact, that was cool! Do it again!"
The real Pichu chuckled as Mr. Game & Watch shredded the evil photo of the disgusting man, before the effects of seeing him reversed and drove G&W to suicide. "Well now, the chaotic evil version of myself seems to have survived the onslaught of the overblown documentary maker. Strange but I guess maniacs with neurotic theories cannot harm each other."
"Yur damn right about that!" shouted Pichu Spider, then realized what he just said. "Errr... I mean, whatever! You two still have to kill me, for you have not won until every Special Spider is dead! And once I plug the Stock Producer into the heart of spiders everywhere, we will have infinite lives and conquer the world!"
Mr. Game & Watch elbowed Pichu. "Not a bad speech, but nowhere near as good as Martin Luther's 'I Have a Dream'."
"Silence! I shall kill you now, and even if I don't succeed in fully eliminating you, the last remaining Special Spider will!"
"Who's that?" G&W asked.
Suddenly, Luigi Spider came running into the room right behind Pichu Spider, his eight legs scurrying frantically.
"I'm late!" shouted Luigi Spider. "By the drow elves, I'm late! Pichu Spider is gonna kill me! I'll have to-OOOOF!!"
The clumsy plumber spider ran directly into the boss of all giant spiders, knocking the Pichu-like spider off of the platform. Hurtling downwards due to Earth's gravity, Pichu Spider saw the ground coming up at him unfriendly-like.
"Oh shit, not again!" Pichu Spider shrieked.
One loud SPLAT! later, he was a sticky smear all over the floor below. Hundreds of feet up, Pichu, Mr. Game & Watch and Luigi Spider exchanged glances.
Luigi Spider summed up the situation best with two little words, "Uh, oops."
Author's Note - For those of you English majors out there, I know 'Uh' is not a word. But give me a break, I'm not an English major. If I were, don't you think I'd be writing novels instead of fan fiction?
Or maybe I DO have an English major, and I prefer to write fan fiction! SO stick in your smoke and pipe it, you bunch of pompous, snooty bastards!
... Uh, anyway, back to the story.
Pichu cleared his throat loudly to bring the attention to himself. "Now, if I may finish this..."
"Go right ahead!" offered Mr. Game & Watch.
Pichu then, using the zero-space that all video game characters have in which they store their millions of items, pulled out a hand-held missile launcher. "To quote generally nobody," he said as he pointed it at Luigi Spider, "I GOT YUR WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION RIGHT HERE, CHEESE BOY!!"
As he launched the uranium-tipped missile at Luigi Spider, the green-capped spider let out the last words for all giant spider-kind:
"I WANT MY MOMMY!!"
Kaaa... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! SPLATTER!! ICKY.
"Well then," said Mr. Game & Watch, as all of the Smashers sat in the living room comfortably, "that was good and fun, and I think we all learned something from it."
Mario - "I-a learned that submachine guns are-a more fun to use than capes and flowers!"
Dr. Mario - "I-a learned that running-a jokes are still funny de 102th time around!"
Luigi - "I-a learned that Italian accents can-a sound really-a cheesy!"
Peach - "I learned that I am tougher than Bowser!"
Bowser - "I learned that Shakespeare should be reenacted by spiders!"
Ganondorf - "I learned that you pitiful idiots can do nothing without my help!"
Link - "I learned that Ganondorf never learns!"
Zelda - "I learned that I would be an excellent character in the next Resident Evil game!"
Ice Climbers - "We learned that it is really easy to speak in unison!"
Fox - "I learned that the author has one sick, sick imagination!"
Falco - "I learned that being an extra can mean I can live but get barely any space time!"
Pikachu - "I learned that spiders are as stupid as Windows computer users!"
Roy - "I learned that I'm better looking than Marth!"
Marth - "I learned that I'm better looking than Roy!"
Yoshi - "I learned that spiders are good to eat!"
Kirby - "I learned that watching Yoshi eat spiders make me sick!"
Captain Falcon - "I learned that even I can survive fan fiction stories!"
Daisy - "I learned that I can join up with you guys and still be forgotten altogether!"
Bowser Spider and Ganondorf Spider - "We learned that it is good to stay in hiding until the end of the story!"
Bowser and Ganondorf - "AIIIIIIIEEE! SPIDERS!" Run out of room like little school girls, only squealing much more.
Samus - "I learned it is fun to blow the shit out of giant spiders!" Aims arm cannon and blows up the two spiders with missiles.
Jigglypuff - "I learned to never say 'How could this get any worse?'"
Mewtwo - "I learned that this fan fiction is stupid, badly-written, and the author was just trying to end the spider situation as quickly as possible, just so he can get back to things like finding clips of the sex scenes in movies!"
Ness - "I learned that Mewtwo says the dumbest things!"
Young Link - I learned that no matter what, weird things will always happen or be said."
Pichu - "My process down the road of education has made me come to the conclusion that the author has just switched the writing style of the story from the natural way to screenplay version, and why he has done this is beyond the longest stretch of my imagination and the deepest recesses of the my mental power."
Mewtwo - "You were just trying to make yours longer than mine, weren't you?"
Donkey Kong - "DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!!"
Mr. Game & Watch nodded and smiled to all this. He leaned back in his comfy chair and sighed happily. "Well, it is time to relax, unless you are the cleaning people; boy, do they have a job ahead for them!"
"My sympathies to each and every one of those poor souls," Pichu agreed. "They are going to have to scrub, rinse, scrape and wash every splattered spider off of the walls, floors, and in some cases, the ceilings."
"Let us hope that nothing like this ever happens again!" Mr. Game & Watch exclaimed, and the others all nodded in agreement.
There was a moment of silence.
"I'm bored." Mr. Game & Watch factually stated.
"I regret to inform you that my current status for fun and glee is quite minimal, and the situation is not as cheery and active as I would like for it be!" Pichu agreed with this 2-D friend.
Mr. Game & Watch raised his head slightly, causing an electronic beep. "You never say anything short, do you?"
"There is no point in me saying anything short, for I need to tell you exactly how I feel-"
"Pichu! Just say 'no'!"
"... No."
"Okay then! We're getting somewhere!"
Pichu nodded back, his floppy ears and loose goggles bouncing with every movement of his noggin. "I really would like for there to be something to do in this bleak state of depression and slowness!"
A knock could be heard from the front door. Mr. Game & Watch regretfully pulled himself out of his comfortable chair and went to answer it. "Wonder who it can be?" he asked himself.
When he opened the door, there was an enormous scorpion right in front of him! Wearing a Mario-style cap, he had his pincers and stinger raised, as if prepared for combat. Behind him were millions of enlarged scorpions, and some Special Scorpions that were dressed like the Smashers.
"We've-a come to conquer the world!" roared Mario Scorpion. "We-a will take the Stock Producer and make the race of giant scorpions invisible-a! Bow down before us, foolish mortals!"
The large scorpions behind him hissed, clacked, and cheered in agreement. Mr. Game & Watch sighed deeply.
"This is gonna be one fugging long day," he said.
THE END!
TOTAL COUNT!!
Spider Characters
Kirby Spider - Blown up by Rocket Launcher. Icky.
Donkey Kong Spider - Head torn off. Extra icky.
Marth Spider - Sliced into icky pieces.
Samus Spider - Head torn off in an icky way.
Mr. Game & Watch Spider - Cleaved into two icky halves.
Falco Spider - Blown up by a missile. Very icky.
Yoshi Spider - Eaten alive. Icky but delicious.
Daisy Spider - Shoved into blender and blended into icky pulp.
Mario and Peach Spider - Crushed together by Bowser, who thought it was cool and not icky.
Mewtwo Spider - Beaten to death by potted plant. More weird than icky.
Doctor Mario Spider - Died from voodoo doll. Even more weird AND icky!
Roy Spider - Sworded by Roy. Icky icky.
Bowser Spider - Also leading the spider troops to the Stock Producer.
Pikachu Spider - Also also leading the spider troops to the Stock Producer.
Captain Falcon, Link, Zelda, Jigglypuff, Pikachu, Nana, Popo, Young Link, and Ness Spider - Saw Michael Moore and died; the ickiest death of them all.
Pichu Spider - Plummeted to his icky death.
Luigi Spider - Shot by a weapon of mass destruction. Awesome but icky.
Bowser and Ganondorf Spider - Thought hiding until the end would save them but Samus ickily blew them away.
Fox Spider - Did a better job at hiding but should not have picked the dumpster. The cleaning people dumped not only the remains of all the spiders but all of the scorpions once the Smashers were done with them into the dumpster. He was crushed to death, which just added to the amount of dead bodies.
... Oh, and it was icky.
Minor Spider Death Count Recorded:
Slashed To Pieces - 56.
Gunned Down - 1.
Laser Gunned Down - 213.
Machine Gunned Down - 27.
Magnum Gunned Down - 3.
Assault Shotgun Gunned Down - 14.
Captain Falcon's Gun Gunned Down - 2.
(REALLY) Bad Food Gun Down The Hatch - 16.
Had Foot Put Down On - 13.
Flamed To The Point Of Incineration - 43.
Frying Panned But Not Burned - 2.
Donkey Kong Squashed Spider - 9.
Flung And Splattered On The Wall - 2.
Crushed With Samus Helmet - 1.
Crushed By Angry Door - 2.
Axed - 2.
Arrowed - 8.
Crushed With A Potted Plant - 12
Eaten By Yoshi - 12.
Eaten By Yoshi Spider - 3.
Eaten By Bowser - 1.
Regurgitated on by Bowser - 1. Pounded By Captain Falcon's Moves - 9.
SMAAAAAASHED By Ness's Bat - 7.
Burned Alive By PK Fire - 1.
Zapped By PK Thunder - 1.
Blown Apart By PK Flash - 1.
Blow Up By Samus Missile - 2.
Crushed By Ice Climber Mallet - 1.
Crushed With A Table - 1.
Choked To Death On Food - 2.
Melted By Pulp Remains of Daisy Spider - 7.
Eaten By Fellow Spiders - 26.
Mutilated By Game & Watch Gadgets - 1.
Squashed Under Bowser - 5.
Died of Depression - 1.
Off-Screen Deaths - Countless.
All In All - COUNTLESS!! Or, for a more exact, countable number, 506!
Author's Note - I humbly apologize to all Michael Moore fans out there. ... NOT!
Pichu - "I would like to point out now the chapter is over, and the only point of sticking around to the very, very, very end right now is to hear me ramble. But do not let long and pointless speech keep you hear! Go on the internet and find clips of sex scenes from famous movies! Go on, I will not cease and desist you from watching the wonders of reproduction on the big screen!"
Mewtwo - "My God, you're all sick!"
Pichu - "Hey, dork! I get to close up the chapters, not you!"