Chapter 3: Just What I Needed

I don't mind you coming here, and wasting all my time, 'cause when you're standing oh so near, I kinda lose my mind

1979

After the Prom, I felt different about Jackie. She still drove me nuts, with her talking. But she really was a lot like me. Her parents were never there for her either, sure she had money and basically got anything she wanted, but none of it meant anything to her. Jackie was sweet, caring person… she just hid it to protect herself.

Kinda like me.

I acted like I hated her, because I didn't. I acted like I didn't care if she left, because I wanted her to stay. That was how we were. She followed me around, convinced she was in love with me and I pushed her away. But she knew I was just being a dick, and she stayed. And I thank whatever God is out there that she did.

Otherwise I never would have survived Eric and Donna's engagement.

"What do you mean you're not going?"

"Jackie I hate weddings, I'm not going." I snapped at her, I couldn't tell her why. We were sitting in my room in the basement, after "we" were a secret fling, after I betrayed her. I promised her I'd never hurt her again, I lied. She was laying with her head on my stomach while I rambled on about my own crap.

"Stephen you have to go, you're Eric's best man, he needs you." Jackie said.

"Look, they haven't even set a date, I was just saying I don't wanna go, I don't care who's wedding it is."

"You're being stupid, they're your best friends, if you don't go it would hurt everyone."

"It hurts just thinking about it."

When she sat up to look at me, she had a glimmer of pain in her eyes that she covered quickly. But I saw it, and it hurt me back.

"I know you love her." she said in a quiet voice. Like a secret. My secret.

"Jackie…"

"No, just listen to me. You've always loved Donna, I know that, everyone knows that. Except maybe Fez, but it's alright.

"No Jackie, I love you."

Jackie held my hands in her lap, I wanted her to be wrong.

"Stephen, you don't just get over your first love. I still think about Michael every once in a while and if he was getting married I'd be sad too. It's just a part of your life that you don't want to lose."

"Somehow this always gets back to you and Kelso." I guess that's what I do when I'm guilty, try to pick a fight. But by this time she'd caught on and immediately dropped the whole conversation.

She stood up and started putting her jeans back on, I didn't know what exactly to say to her so I said nothing.

"I know you like the bed to yourself, so I'll see you tomorrow."

"Jackie…"

"It's alright Stephen," She kissed me on the forehead, "Tomorrow."

But I could see she was sad underneath.

I don't mind you hanging out, and talking in your sleep, it doesn't matter where you've been, as long as it was deep

After that, I made it clear that she could stay in my bed as long as she wanted. I told her I didn't care about her past with Kelso. I don't. We didn't bring up Donna anymore, pretended it never happened. I guess it's just what we do. Looking back I should have talked about it, confronted it, defeated it.

But I didn't really want to.