Today, I have to clean my room. Not a simple task, no doubt, because it looks like there's been an animal living here. There has, my dog, but that's another story. Right now, I have to concentrate on cleaning, because Mom will give me Hell if I don't. I start by clearing off my desk, and I'm done in about five minutes. Once I get to the bottom of the mess, however, there's a notebook I don't recognize. This is common, as I have several notebooks floating about. I flip it open, no cover, but my eyes trail down the first page. I read aloud, as I am alone, and my sister, Melissa, is out in the living room.
"Saturday, December 7th, 2002. I think I had a mental breakdown today. I feel like screaming at my asshole stepfather/uncle and breaking something. It was he who took away my mom. It was he who drove away my brother. Now he's keeping Dad from seeing me. I can't see Dad or even talk to him. I've been grounded for two weeks now and the punishment has begun to get to me. He took my tv downstairs and into David's (my brother) old room in the cold basement. The basement used to be a place of love. It turned into a place of grief, sorrow, sometimes even fear when David left. Fear that I would never experience the joy of living with David and Dad. Elmer took away my stereo too. I cannot use the phone. They even disconnect it when they leave me alone. The punishment that bites me in the ass the most is no music. Without music, I'm miserable. I can't express my feelings, and I can't scream out the words to a song."
My eyes begin to tear up thinking about Dad. This had been written before he died, obviously, and just that thought is enough to move me to tears. I hold them back, however, and flip the page, clearing my throat before I begin again.
"Friday, December 13th, 2002. Last night's dream was one of the worst I've had in a while. Dad had been at the door. Melissa answered it and immediately let him in, hugging him and proclaiming how much she missed him. Elmer leapt forward with a black and blue butterfly knife, his eyes red and bloodshot as if he had been drinking again. Meaning to stab Dad, he stabbed Melissa in the left eye, leaving her completely blind from both the injury and shock. I had jumped on Elmer in a rage. The knife scratched my cheek, deep enough to leave a scar. Then, time forwarded. Melissa was about twenty years old. David came into the room we were in, speaking and greeting her gently. The next words broke my heart. "Who are you?" Melissa questioned. I woke up crying. David and Melissa had been apart so long that she didn't remember him. Now I understand true loneliness. It isn't being unable to see your friend for a day or crying over your boyfriend cheating on you. Loneliness is having absolutely no one else to talk to, no one to confide in. It is being locked in a cold room with no communication. I would have already gone insane by now if Dad hadn't promised I would live with him by February. The only thing I have to do to get there is experience and temporarily live with my loneliness."
My tears fall freely. I feel a pain start in my chest, the familiar feel of a panic attack, but I soon leave my room to inhabit the bathroom and deal with the sick feeling I'm getting. I shut and lock the door, grabbing some tissues to wipe my tears away for now. I sob as I continue, flipping the page.
"Wednesday, January 1st, 2003. I feel nervous. What if something goes wrong in court and I can't live with Dad and David? What if Dad can't afford a lawyer? What if I make them go broke? What if they can't afford food? I should've kept my mouth shut. If I hadn't told Mom I wanted to live with them in the first place, I wouldn't be in this mess. Why do I have to walk into their lives? They're already having enough money problems as it is. Why do I have to be so selfish?"
My hands visibly shake as I breathe in, preparing myself. This was it. I can feel it coming. The page turns.
"Monday, January 6th, 2003. I'm crying my eyes out. I didn't wait until I got in my room. I just cried right there, everyone watching. I just received a phone call from Mom. Dad's unconscious in critical care in the hospital. He had a seizure. For once in a blue moon, I'm allowed to see Dad, but the circumstances are enough to make my heart bleed. I don't care about my Algebra homework. I only care about Dad making it out of there alive. Why does this have to happen to my dad? Why couldn't it have been me? I want to be strong, but I can't. Him being hospitalized devastated me. (Inside the hospital) Daddy is dead."
My sobbing and whining grows louder as I retch into the toilet, flushing it down and cleaning myself up. The memories burn in my eyes...They're burning me up inside. I'm being haunted by a whisper. A chill comes over me as I continue.
"I wish it was all a dream. I wish it would all end and I would wake up. Why can't I wake up? Why can't God do me this one favor? Where's David going to live? I wish I could crawl into a hole and die. At least I would be with him then. My stomach rumbled, but I'm not hungry. There went my freedom. Out the window. There went my beauty. There went my pride. There went my spirit. There went my soul. There went...Dad."