I can't believe it's Saturday already. I had agreed to come to the hospital with Harm and Ryleigh. She said it was to provide her with moral support, but I have a feeling that it's more for Harm's benefit. Whereas she's relatively calm and relaxed, he's tense and anxious. Once she's changed into the hospital gown and settled in the bed, we're allowed to sit with her until it's time for the operation. The three of us tell lame jokes in a poor attempt to take our minds off why we're here.
All too soon, the nurse comes in and tells us they're ready. Harm gently caresses her cheek and kisses her softly. I notice a slight tremble in his hands. Poor Harm. He always likes to be in charge but he's lost control with this one.
He hovers near the door while I lean down to hug her. Her eyes are swimming with tears and I swear I can read goodbye in their depths. "Take care of him, Sarah. He's going to need you now more than ever. I love you."
I want to believe this is the same overdramatic Ryleigh, but something inside tells me she's serious. She honestly doesn't believe she won't come through this. Just how advanced is the cancer? "Just relax. You'll be fine."
She nods and hugs me tighter. As I move to leave she slips two small white envelopes in my hands. I know what they are. She's written a "If you're reading this, I didn't make it" letter. I don't ever want to have to read it. Harm and I move to the waiting room. There are a few people sitting and reading, but it's not too crowded. We choose seats in a far corner. It's obvious Harm's not up for conversation. He picks up an old People and begins absently flipping through the glossy pages. I lean back in the chair and close my eyes.
My mind drifts back to the party the night before. Ryleigh had her mind set on a backyard luau. It was quite amusing to see AJ in a Hawaiian shirt. Harriet and Velma spent time swimming in the pool with their kids. Harm and Sturgis set up a volleyball net and we played a few games of men vs. women with the women beating the men two out of three times. Ryleigh was so much like her old self that I let myself pretend the last few weeks were all just a nightmare. She and Harm laughed and joked like sweethearts instead of the strangers they'd become. While it hurt to see them so close, I knew that it was for the best. If divorce wasn't an option they had to find a way to make things work.
After seventy-four minutes of sitting, I slowly wander around the room to stretch my legs. Pausing by the doors to the operating room wing, I peer through the glass windows and spot Ryleigh's doctor speaking to thin man with familiar curls and chiseled cheekbones. He looks like Ryleigh's William but what would he be doing in the hospital? Convinced that the man I'm seeing is not William, I return to my seat next to Harm.
A few minutes later the doctor and a nurse emerge, the expression on the doctor's face is one I've feared. He stands in front of Harm with his eyes averted. "Mr. Rabb, your wife had an adverse reaction to the anesthesia. She went into cardiac arrest. I'm sorry sir, the cancer weakened her system. We weren't able to save her."
What? No! There must be some mistake. How could this happen? Aside from a minor headache she seemed all right last night. It was supposed to be a minor surgery with minimal risks. Harm's silent as he digests this information. He thanks the doctor and tells the nurse that he will be along shortly to sign the necessary forms for the inquest. He turns to me with sad eyes and I can't hold my tears back any longer. I collapse in his arms and cry out my pain, not caring about witnesses. He wraps his arms around my shaking shoulders and murmurs words of comfort. Though my grief the irony of the situation hits me. Harm's just lost his wife and he's consoling me.
We stand there for who knows how long wrapped up in our misery. The heart that so recently swelled with joy at the memory of my friend's happiness now feels broken and weighed down. It is as if I've lost a piece of myself. Harm reluctantly releases his grip on me and I look up to realize he'd been crying as well. He asks if I'll be okay on my own while he signs the forms and speaks with the doctor. I know what he's thinking. The sooner we can get out of this place, the better. I don't mind being alone. It will give me a chance to mourn in solitude. After two hours, he returns telling me that he has to identify the body before we can leave.
While we wait for the nurse to take him to the morgue, I remember the envelopes in my pocket. I hand Harm his envelope and turn my back slightly to give him some privacy. With shaking hands, I open my envelope. Another wave of sadness washes over me when I get a whiff of the jasmine vanilla scent Ryleigh loved. Blinking rapidly to fight back another onslaught of tears, I pull out a sheet of crisp white paper covered with her slightly sloppy handwriting.
"Sarah,
If you're reading this it's because, chicken that I am, I never said the words out loud. I love you. You're my friend, my confidante and my sister. We may not have been blood related, but that doesn't make our bond any weaker. I wasn't always the greatest friend in the world, but you, amazing woman that you are, never once wavered. Thank you for everything you've done and been for me. You are a beautiful, intelligent, confidant person and I am honored to be your friend.
Harm's going to take this hard, there's no way around that. I know him and his over-grown sense of duty. Don't let him feel guilty. There wasn't anything he could have done. Let him know that leaving him is harder than I'd thought and that I wish I could have spared him this pain. Maybe if I'd had more time... but that's not the point. I care deeply for him and always will.
I don't want either of you to grieve for me. You don't own stock in Kleenex so it won't do anyone any good. Dying's put things in perspective and taught me how to live. Now I want both of you to live and love for me. Grab him by the hand and make each other happy, I know you can. Save me a piece of cake at the reception.
Remember, things aren't always what they seem.
Ryleigh."
When I'm finished with the letter, I realize that Harm's already gone to the morgue. He returns more upset than before he left. I inquire as to what's wrong, assuming that it has something to do with his note.
"Paperwork mix-up. They switched her with a man who was to be cremated today," he responds, his voice tight and strained.
Talk about pouring salt on an open wound. It's hard enough to lose someone you care about so suddenly but harder still to know that you'll never really get a chance at closure. I give him a much-needed hug and kiss his cheek.
He explains that cremation is what she wanted but this means there will be no inquest. The questions we have won't be answered. I offer to go home with him to help with the difficult phone calls and arrangements. He smiles gratefully and accepts. We walk hand in hand out of the hospital. The pain might be unbearable right now but it's nice to know I won't be alone.
All too soon, the nurse comes in and tells us they're ready. Harm gently caresses her cheek and kisses her softly. I notice a slight tremble in his hands. Poor Harm. He always likes to be in charge but he's lost control with this one.
He hovers near the door while I lean down to hug her. Her eyes are swimming with tears and I swear I can read goodbye in their depths. "Take care of him, Sarah. He's going to need you now more than ever. I love you."
I want to believe this is the same overdramatic Ryleigh, but something inside tells me she's serious. She honestly doesn't believe she won't come through this. Just how advanced is the cancer? "Just relax. You'll be fine."
She nods and hugs me tighter. As I move to leave she slips two small white envelopes in my hands. I know what they are. She's written a "If you're reading this, I didn't make it" letter. I don't ever want to have to read it. Harm and I move to the waiting room. There are a few people sitting and reading, but it's not too crowded. We choose seats in a far corner. It's obvious Harm's not up for conversation. He picks up an old People and begins absently flipping through the glossy pages. I lean back in the chair and close my eyes.
My mind drifts back to the party the night before. Ryleigh had her mind set on a backyard luau. It was quite amusing to see AJ in a Hawaiian shirt. Harriet and Velma spent time swimming in the pool with their kids. Harm and Sturgis set up a volleyball net and we played a few games of men vs. women with the women beating the men two out of three times. Ryleigh was so much like her old self that I let myself pretend the last few weeks were all just a nightmare. She and Harm laughed and joked like sweethearts instead of the strangers they'd become. While it hurt to see them so close, I knew that it was for the best. If divorce wasn't an option they had to find a way to make things work.
After seventy-four minutes of sitting, I slowly wander around the room to stretch my legs. Pausing by the doors to the operating room wing, I peer through the glass windows and spot Ryleigh's doctor speaking to thin man with familiar curls and chiseled cheekbones. He looks like Ryleigh's William but what would he be doing in the hospital? Convinced that the man I'm seeing is not William, I return to my seat next to Harm.
A few minutes later the doctor and a nurse emerge, the expression on the doctor's face is one I've feared. He stands in front of Harm with his eyes averted. "Mr. Rabb, your wife had an adverse reaction to the anesthesia. She went into cardiac arrest. I'm sorry sir, the cancer weakened her system. We weren't able to save her."
What? No! There must be some mistake. How could this happen? Aside from a minor headache she seemed all right last night. It was supposed to be a minor surgery with minimal risks. Harm's silent as he digests this information. He thanks the doctor and tells the nurse that he will be along shortly to sign the necessary forms for the inquest. He turns to me with sad eyes and I can't hold my tears back any longer. I collapse in his arms and cry out my pain, not caring about witnesses. He wraps his arms around my shaking shoulders and murmurs words of comfort. Though my grief the irony of the situation hits me. Harm's just lost his wife and he's consoling me.
We stand there for who knows how long wrapped up in our misery. The heart that so recently swelled with joy at the memory of my friend's happiness now feels broken and weighed down. It is as if I've lost a piece of myself. Harm reluctantly releases his grip on me and I look up to realize he'd been crying as well. He asks if I'll be okay on my own while he signs the forms and speaks with the doctor. I know what he's thinking. The sooner we can get out of this place, the better. I don't mind being alone. It will give me a chance to mourn in solitude. After two hours, he returns telling me that he has to identify the body before we can leave.
While we wait for the nurse to take him to the morgue, I remember the envelopes in my pocket. I hand Harm his envelope and turn my back slightly to give him some privacy. With shaking hands, I open my envelope. Another wave of sadness washes over me when I get a whiff of the jasmine vanilla scent Ryleigh loved. Blinking rapidly to fight back another onslaught of tears, I pull out a sheet of crisp white paper covered with her slightly sloppy handwriting.
"Sarah,
If you're reading this it's because, chicken that I am, I never said the words out loud. I love you. You're my friend, my confidante and my sister. We may not have been blood related, but that doesn't make our bond any weaker. I wasn't always the greatest friend in the world, but you, amazing woman that you are, never once wavered. Thank you for everything you've done and been for me. You are a beautiful, intelligent, confidant person and I am honored to be your friend.
Harm's going to take this hard, there's no way around that. I know him and his over-grown sense of duty. Don't let him feel guilty. There wasn't anything he could have done. Let him know that leaving him is harder than I'd thought and that I wish I could have spared him this pain. Maybe if I'd had more time... but that's not the point. I care deeply for him and always will.
I don't want either of you to grieve for me. You don't own stock in Kleenex so it won't do anyone any good. Dying's put things in perspective and taught me how to live. Now I want both of you to live and love for me. Grab him by the hand and make each other happy, I know you can. Save me a piece of cake at the reception.
Remember, things aren't always what they seem.
Ryleigh."
When I'm finished with the letter, I realize that Harm's already gone to the morgue. He returns more upset than before he left. I inquire as to what's wrong, assuming that it has something to do with his note.
"Paperwork mix-up. They switched her with a man who was to be cremated today," he responds, his voice tight and strained.
Talk about pouring salt on an open wound. It's hard enough to lose someone you care about so suddenly but harder still to know that you'll never really get a chance at closure. I give him a much-needed hug and kiss his cheek.
He explains that cremation is what she wanted but this means there will be no inquest. The questions we have won't be answered. I offer to go home with him to help with the difficult phone calls and arrangements. He smiles gratefully and accepts. We walk hand in hand out of the hospital. The pain might be unbearable right now but it's nice to know I won't be alone.