Title: Justified
Author: StarQuality
Disclaimer: If I lie and say I own this piece of genius, that we call Red Dwarf, will something terrible happen to me? Well, even so, I don't have anything to do with it, I just write fanfiction.
Summary: Is love ever justified?
Pairing: Arnold Judas Rimmer and David Lister (Rimsy & Listy)
A/N: (Before I start rambling: The basic idea of this fic is: Justice. My way.)
This is a fic of firsts. It's the first time I've ever put the 'pairing' bit on this section, and I think it's the first fic ever inspired by the episode Justice. Maybe not. Maybe I'm going insane, but I've never read one... Ah well. I tried. It's not as good as Failure, that's my favourite fic that I've ever done.
Basically, it's the original episode (Just with my added descriptions and stuff) up until Rimmer says, "I don't know, anything."... And then Kryten doing the defence, is mostly the episode, with my own bits thrown in... You'll see.
Oh, and... guys? Can you please please please PLEASE pretend that the bit about the justice field making Rimmer hard-light is true? Pleeeeease? Don't make me beg! Well, I say he can be hard-light. And it's my fic. And so there... Oh please oh please let me say he's hard-light?! I promise never to write anything again if you let him! Go on, you know you want to...!
"On a rambling holiday through the diesel decks. A ten-day hike through the ship's combustion engines with two of the skutters. He said he'd pop in later and show you the slides." Kryten informed Lister, who was sitting on the medical bed,
"He didn't, did he?" Lister looked up, with a worried expression on his face, 'I can't let him see me like this.'
"He's been loading the projection carousel for twenty-four hours now."
"You've got to stop him." Lister looked panicked, "He can't see me... I mean, a slide show of the diesel decks - that could finish me!"
Kryten and Arnold Rimmer entered the room, where Lister and The Cat were standing, looking at the pod. Rimmer was showed to see Lister, who felt embarrassed by his mumps.
"Listy, what are you doing up?" Rimmer quickly covered up his concern with an insult, "Shouldn't you be in the greenhouse with the rest of the cantaloupes?"
Lister glanced at Rimmer, who had a funny look on his face. But what was it? Was it concern? Was is guilt? Whatever is was, Lister didn't have much time to think about it, as Rimmer asked who started the R.P.
He kept his eyes on Rimmer while the hologram shouted at the Cat. He was wearing his 'Captain Emerald' outfit, and Lister had to look at the others to stop himself gawping.
"So, if it isn't Bellini in there, who is it?" Lister asked,
"One of the prisoners..." Rimmer answered. Lister loved it when the objects of his desire 'talked smart'. In fact, his brain blocked out pretty much everything else, until Kryten delivered another of his old android sayings,
"Goes like this: If you don't gosub a program loop, you'll never get a subroutine."
"We have a human saying that means the same thing: nothing ventured...." he snuck a look at Rimmer, "Nothing gained."
Cat was getting annoyed.
"Do you HAVE to sit up here?" he asked, looking disgusted,
"It's warmer in the front." Lister said, whilst fiddling with the controls, "It helps my gunge." he continued to press buttons, 'Plus, if I'm up here, I can't look at Arnold.'
"I can't see anything. You're head's getting in the way of the mirror! In face, your head's getting in way of the windscreen!" The Cat protested. Lister gave him a sarcastic glare, he wasn't in the mood. He froze when he heard Rimmer's voice.
"Next!" Lister was disappointed when he remembered Rimmer was showing Kryten his slides. "Ah, now this one."
Lister turned around, so that he was no longer facing the controls, and so he could see what Kryten and - more importantly - Rimmer were looking at.
His mouth dropped open at the sight he saw. Rimmer in incredibly short shorts. Rimmer sitting with his legs open, in incredibly short shorts. Lister began to feel very headachey.
"Oh my... God! His head burst!" Cat whimpered, emerging from the cockpit, followed by Lister, who was covered in gunge,
"That's better. That is so much better! I feel.." Lister shot another look at Rimmer, "...good!" he put his hands on his head, "Talk about a weight off your mind!". But it wasn't as simple as that. Lister knew what had made his head explode... and he was standing only a few feet away.
Once they had reached their destination, and donned the large 'shoes', Lister began to get a little bit nervous.
Not only was he worried about being sentenced to death for minor crimes, but Rimmer had noticed.
"Ahh, Listy, Listy! Is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers..." they both looked, Rimmer's eyes lingering for perhaps a second too long, "...or do I detect that you're just a tad concerned?" They both blushed.
"Well..." Lister said, trying to forget about the lump that was indeed forming in his trousers. "Come on guys! Everyone's done something in the past that's been a little bit illegal..." he looked at Rimmer, 'Especially if you count getting an erection every night over your dead bunkmate, as a crime.' Lister shoved his hat on and groaned, "Oh smeggin' ell'!"
He wasn't groaning because of his illegal activity, but for his other dilemma.
The problem that was in his boxers.
Rimmer was in prison, and Lister was upset. Not only because the man that he idolised was in a cell, but because he had given Lister a cold, disapproving look when he was listing the crimes that he had committed in the past. Each glare had gone straight through Lister, and it felt as if he was being stabbed in the chest.
It was no good, he had to go and visit the inmate.
Lister entered the cell, where Rimmer was sitting, in a rather fetching outfit, looking sorry for himself.
"Hi, Killer." Rimmer didn't look at him.
"Nine thousand years. Nine!"
"I brought you a book." Lister chucked a red book onto the bed beside Rimmer. Then he sat in the chair that had been provided, and covered his groin with his hand, just in case.
"Oh thanks." Rimmer said, looking at Lister with a sarcastic glare, "That'll really help the centuries fly past."
"Look, don't panic man." Lister gave Rimmer a comforting smile. "We're going to get you out of here." he wanted to add, 'I'll make sure of that.' but was interrupted by Rimmer saying,
"Why bother? I'll be up for parole in a couple of Ice Ages."
"Kryten reckons you've got right of appeal. He's trying to get a case together." he decided to change the subject, in case he said something that he would later regret, "This isn't a bad place for a prison. How come there's no locks, or bars, or guards or anything?"
Rimmer looked at Lister as he stood up and touched something on the wall, "There doesn't need to be. The whole prison complex is covered by something called a Justice Field. I had to sit through this tedious lecture." Lister sat down again, "Apparently, it's physically impossible to commit any sort of crime here."
"What dy'a mean?"
"Just try and commit a crime, and you'll see."
"Well... Like what?"
"I don't know. Anything."
"...Anythin'?" Lister asked, feeling another urge. But this time, he didn't feel he could fight it. He didn't want to fight it. "You mean like... Arson, or stealin'?"
"Yes, exactly."
"Like murder?"
"Yes, like murder."
"Like... Gettin' a hard-on over your dead bunkmate?"
"For God's sake! YES, like get-... What did...?" Rimmer's jaw dropped, "Did you just say?"
"I think I did." Lister got up and turned his back on the shocked hologram, "And I wish I hadn't said anythin' now."
"Listy..."
"No, Rimmer, just ignore me. I'm being stupid."
"Oh."
Lister took a quick look at Rimmer. He looked crestfallen.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, Listy, really." Rimmer tried a smile,
"I know you, man, what's up? It should be me who's not feeling so great. I mean.. You're not the one who just said... that."
"No, Lister, it's not... It's... You said that you were being stupid..."
"Yeah, well, I was." Lister sat down next to Rimmer.
"So... You didn't mean it then?" Rimmer asked, looking up at Lister,
'Oh smeg... Why does he have to do those eyes... He can see right through me...' he looked down. Rimmer had his hand on Lister's, "You... can touch!"
"Yes, I know... I think it's got something to do with the Justice Field... So, did you mean what you said?"
Lister gulped. He felt slightly nervous, but was determined to get this out.
"Every single word."
"Name?"
"Dave Lister."
"Occupation?"
"...Bum."
"Would you describe the accused, as a friend?"
"Take the fifth!" The Cat called.
"Answer the question, please. Remember, you're under polygraphic surveillance. Would you describe the accused, as a friend?"
"No. I'd describe the accused..." Lister grinned, "As me man."
"So.. You would say that you're the person, who thinks of him most fondly?" Kryten asked, a little shocked at this response,
"Yes." Lister answered truthfully, giving Rimmer another comforting and loving smile.
"In view of your counsel's eloquent defence, together with the reams of material evidence he submitted on computer card, this court accepts that in your case, the mind-probe is not an adequate method of assessing guilt. It is not possible for you to have committed the crimes for which you blame yourself, and you may go free."
Lister sighed with relief. He was glad Rimmer was free anyway, but it would've been hard to conduct a relationship with a man behind bars, even if there were none. With a huge smile on his face, Lister watched Rimmer telling Kryten that he wanted an apology.
'Yeah, this could be the start of something... brutal.' he thought to himself, 'I guess there is justice in this world.'
The End
The end!? Well, hardly. I don't mean I'm writing more... I just mean.. Oh, you know what I mean.
I'm sorry about that fic, it wasn't very good... It started out good... And then flailed... And then failed!
Notice the 'one word title'? That's my trademark, these days...
I had to put in 'brutal' as that's one of my favourite words now... Damn you Lister.
And the bit about Rimmer being in the 'rather fetching' outfit... I thought he looked gorgeous in it...
Thanks for reading, I'm sorry if this caused anyone to be ill or damage themselves by banging their heads against a desk and screaming "No, no, it's all just WRONG!"
Ciao for now.
StarQuality