I am, once again, writing in the middle of the night. I woke up from another weird dream, so I came here and what do you know, I write a chapter. Weird... This time it wasn't about rabid bunnies...
Hiei - yawns Baka onna! Why do you always have to wake me up as well! You don't need me to write this nonsense!
rolls eyes I suppose he has a point, but it wouldn't be near so much fun if he wasn't here.
Hiei - glares Why are you talking like I'm not here?!
grins I thought you were going back to sleep.
Hiei - blinks and leaves the room
Now that he's gone, and presumably happy, back to business. Appreciating my dear reviewers... sigh
ZAN Artemis - whimpers I accidentally pressed 'correct' instead of 'add to dictionary' GIVE ME A BREAK!!! laughs And if Kurama thinks he sounds stupid... Well, I agree with him. But I wrote it so I should feel worse, no? Later Sis.
Kookaburra – I highly doubt that this chapter is what you had in mind... Or anyone else (including me) did for that matter, but I hope you like it anyway. sings Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree... coughs Sorry about that...
Jus Kita Again – Thanks! waves And I like your name too, it's different.
Touya4me – I realize or I wouldn't have written this, would I? Wish granted. waves a fake wand
Icedragonkatana – You know, you're the only person who mentioned anything that happened in the chapter? That's refreshing... Glad you liked that visual... I thought it was sweet to have Kurama go all happy-joy-joy and spin for us. giggles It was too tempting. And I'm glad you liked the dream (I think. I use the word 'interesting' for a lot of things, so I'm not entirely sure what you meant).
Kuruna Icefire – Thanks... I don't get Kurama as well as I do Hiei, and I'm not talking about the way I write them. I can see through Hiei's eyes and why he does stuff better then Mr. I'm-perfect-and-live-behind-a-mask. He's more difficult.
Shizuru – Come on!! It isn't THAT confusing!!
Kira – Thankies!!
Chrisoriented – Here's your update.
Thank you all again, I love reviewers... They make me smile. Like I told Kookaburra, This probably isn't what any of you had in mind... Hiei went weird on me. I tried to use the advice Zan gave me in an email, but it didn't turn out like that. I rather like it, but I don't know if you guys will or not. is really nervous Here it is, chapter three...
I sigh and jump down from my perch. The sun had completely risen and that was the only conclusion I'd come to. Pathetic... The Fox is going to be angry when he next saw me. I know it; and considering how I usually act, I have no excuse.
"Onni-san!" I look behind me and there's Yukina. Great, now she's going to ask what's wrong. I should never have told her I'm her brother... "Onni-san? What's wrong? You look like you haven't slept..." I knew that was coming.
"Hn. That's because I haven't." Or, because I have but I had a nightmare and went to Kurama's house and kissed him. Now he hates me. That about sums up the mess of my life at the moment; come back later for updates.
I watch my sister and her face softens. I know she couldn't read my thoughts, but she must have seen some of that through my eyes. Terrific, I forgot I couldn't completely control the expression of my eyes. "Hiei, you have to sleep sometime. If you don't you won't have any energy and you'll get injured in a fight!" Or maybe she didn't. She's always been overly concerned about health issues; must be the curse of the healers.
"Hn." I give her a very clear 'like I care' look and flit into the forest. I can't put up with her right now. She's my sister and I'll protect her to the grave, but she's to empathic. Even if she hasn't figured out something deeper then petty fatigue is involved yet; which I doubt; then she would figure it out were I in contact with her for very much longer.
I stop by a lake deep in the forests around the temple. It really is somewhat mystical here; even I have to admit it. It's just past dawn and the sun's shining perfectly through the trees to accent the mist hanging lethargically above the water. There are a variety of mosses clinging to the boulders that sit spread around the perimeter; all of them brilliant shades of jade and emerald. The boulders themselves seem to have been placed here like seats for the casual passer-through to sit upon to admire the true beauty of this place.
It doesn't even hold a candle to Kurama...
I sit hastily upon a nearby rock and bring my knees up to my chest. Thinking that hurts, knowing that he probably wants to kill me right now. Not that I don't believe he has the right. I shouldn't have done that. I've screwed myself over for life. I wish there was a snowball's chance in hell that he could possibly feel the same about me that I do about him.
I hug my knees and crash my forehead on them. I can feel hot liquid gathering behind my eyes begging to escape. I don't cry. No matter how tempting it is. No matter how much it feels like what little of a heart I seem to possess has been torn out and stepped on. I shouldn't feel like this! The Fox didn't do anything! He just stared at me as I ran away! Isn't that to be expected? I did do something out of the ordinary. So, even if he did have feelings for me, wouldn't he have stared anyway?
But you already know he doesn't like you. That's why it hurts. You have been rejected and you know it.
I bite my lip to prevent the tears from scorching my cheeks. It doesn't matter that he doesn't care about me. I can live with this. It's nothing important, after all. Just a ningen weakness I've acquired by spending too much time here in the ningenkai and with the Fox. I don't need for him to care about me. I don't need him at all. I don't need anyone.
Then why does it hurt so much?
I blink and feel twin tears run down my face. I watch, fascinated, as they fall and crystallize before ever landing. They're black. I didn't think that Koorime tear gems could be black. Then again, I'm not completely Koorime. I'm probably the only creature in existence that can cry black tear gems.
Great that means anyone who finds them will know I have a weakness of some sort. I have to hide these.
I pick up the gems after staring at them for what seems like hours and place them in a hidden pocket in my cloak. It actually might have been that long. The sun has risen so that's its nearly straight above me and the mist has dissipated. I should leave now. Go somewhere else. I wish I knew a place I could go. Usually on a day like this I'd go to the Fox's house and get a lesson on ningen society. It is a weekend, after all.
I can go back there...
I jump suddenly and pull a ringing compact out of the folds of my cloak and throw it to the ground as if it's burned me. It doesn't break. I suppose I should be grateful. Daintily, I pick it up by the side and flip it open.
"Where are you, Hiei? I thought I told you we're having a party, but Keiko said I forgot. It's tonight and starts at 7:00. You coming?" It's the detective. Why the hell would I have any desire to go to an impromptu ningen celebration?
"Hn. Why should I come?" I think I would have gotten my point across clearer if I cussed.
"Everyone's coming! Come on, Hiei, It'll be fun! We'll have icecream and everything!" Yes, Yusuke, but I don't feel like eating sweet snow today. I glare at the little screen that shows his current expression and glare at it. Sometimes I really wish you could kill people with a look.
The detective looks startled. Funny, my glares usually don't affect him. "Hey, what happened? You look like shit." My eyes widen the second time today showing surprise. It can't be so obvious that even this numbskull notices can it?
"It wouldn't be any of your concern even if something was bothering me. Go bother some one else." I make to close the annoying communicator when the detective yells again.
"Wait! You didn't answer me! Are you coming tonight or not?" He looks so hopeful. How sad...
"No." I state calmly and close the stupid thing. I stuff it in another pocket after resisting the strangest urge to destroy it. That would probably add more time to my parole. It's not worth the effort.
How did he know something was wrong?
I walk over to the edge of the lake and look at my reflection. I really do look like shit. There are dark circles under my eyes that have never been present before, no matter how many days it's been since I slept. It must be the effect of the stupid emotions. How can something as intangible as a feeling possibly show so much on anyone's features, let alone mine. I've spent my entire life suppressing any and all forms of facial expression, and now I look tired and depressed even to my own eyes.
What's happening to me?
I touch my face lightly with the tips of my fingers in time to feel another set of tears sliding down my cheeks. I wipe them away quickly, hoping that there's no way anyone could witness this. I am weak right now. Terribly so. I need to get myself back under control. This shouldn't be happening! How could I have let myself feel that way towards the Fox? How could I let myself kiss him? Why does this have to hurt this badly? Surely, death isn't this painful! I feel as if someone has ripped me open with a spoon and strewn my insides all over the ground so that the world can see what I'm really made of. How weak I really am. I hate this feeling.
Wait, death is an idea, isn't it?
I stop pacing. I hadn't even realized I'd moved. That's been happening a lot recently. I could end it all, couldn't I? It would be so easy, and there are an amazing variety of ways to do so. You can be as average or creative as you like in suicide. It's your final message to the world, if you think about it. You can show them all almost anything you want by the way you choose to end it all. The location you choose can mean some thing, as well as the tool you choose to rid your body of whatever meaningless existence used to possess it. You can make your death painful, or quick. You can do it in the presence of others, or when you're completely alone. And for the creature who wish it, you can leave a note telling everyone exactly why you decided it's not worth living any more. Yes, suicide is defiantly an idea.
Do you want to end it yet? Don't you have something you're supposed to do?
Oh, yes. Of course. I swore a long time ago that I would protect Yukina, didn't I? That means I do have a reason to live, even if the prospect isn't pleasant. Even if it hurts so badly I can't stand the thought of confronting any being. If I have to continue, I don't want to have to speak to anyone. I wish I hadn't sworn to keep her safe. She might not be a fighter, but she can take care of herself in most situations. But if she were to get injured in the ones she can't handle, or die even, I'd never forgive myself. Even if I had already passed on.
Isn't there someone who would be perfectly willing to take your spot? Someone more then happy to keep her safe?
I sad smirk plays across my face. It figures really, that the Baka should end up being the person I feel I can trust the safety of my sister to. He isn't all that bad, after all. He does care for her a great deal. If she were to get injured while he was supposed to be watching her, he would be harder on himself then even I would. Yes, he is a good choice, despite how much he annoys me. He would take care of her. To him, there is nothing more important then her happiness.
Does that mean you're going through with it?
Yes. I am. I just need to talk to the Baka and tell him what he has to do. Too bad this will make him think I approve of him. Looks like I'm going to the party tonight. The sooner I finish this, the better. Maybe I should end it there, in front of everyone. No, that's not my style. I'll just tell the Baka I'm leaving and to take care of Yukina. There's no way he's smart enough to realize that'll I'll be leaving this life. Then I can leave and they'll find my body sometime later. Probably not for days.
It's not like they'll care, anyway. You don't mean anything to them.
I feel more water rolling down my face and I can't even bring myself to stop its decent. I stare unseeingly at the lake as small black gems fall to the forest floor. They thud lightly on the ground and come to rest quietly in the nearest little indent in the ground. If no one touches them, they would be content to sit there for all eternity.
Why couldn't they have just left me alone? Why couldn't I have finished my life like I had started?
I lean done and pick up the gems. My hand shakes lightly as I look at them. There a three in my hand and two in my pocket. I place the newest editions with the originals and stand, facing the lake, with a look of grim determination on my face. I find that once a conclusion is sought for and found that waiting just makes you unsure. Right now all I need to do is remake my mask. That will take up all the excess time between now and the beginning of the party. When I show up, I'll be late and I'll act like I always do before I talk to Kuwabara. I'll have to try not to think about what I'm about to do. That could only shake my resolve. Nodding to myself, I flit away from the lake to end upon the top of a nearby mountain, also mystical in its way. I sit down and close my eyes, carefully remaking all the walls that have been destroyed.
I will end it tonight.
is trying not to cry I really wish he wouldn't do that. Geeze...
Hiei - comes back What are you talking about onna?
Nevermind. Thanks for reading, please review!
Bye.