Title: Phones and Drunken Excuses
Author: Secret Art
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Date: 25th May 2004
Rating: R
Category: romance, humour?
Pairings: Sam/Jack
Spoilers: brief mention of the NID
Summary: "Tequila plus me and Jack Daniels plus you equals lots of craziness" Takes place a month before 'Drinks and Broken Cars' and 'Exhaustion and Caring Doctors'
Archive: Wherever you want, I'm not fussy
Feedback: can only make me better
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.
Author's note: I make no apologies for the fact it is insane, it's supposed to be. This was originally going to be one longer fic however real life and exams got in the way so I've had to split it into two parts to give me time to focus on my exams before I complete the second half.
Jack's POV
The phone rings and you look longingly at the glass of Jack Daniels you just poured before sighing and moving to answer it.
"O'Neill"
"Hi Jack" a familiar voice replies, however it takes you a second to place it.
"Carter?"
"Do you have to be so formal? After all, we are off duty. You hear what sounds like a glass clicking, "and we have been formal for so long."
"Carter what's going on?"
You hear her sigh, the one that means 'how dumb are you' before explaining. "Well I sat down with Janet and we talked. She said I was wasting my life and I told her she was silly and then we talked some more. Mainly about girly stuff so I won't explain. Anyway I came back and found a bottle of tequila in a cupboard and decided to drink it which probably explains why I'm talking so much." Because you are so quiet normally, you think. "Anyway I think I've drunk maybe two thirds of the bottle, I was going to do some scientific calculations but I'm kind of inebriated so doubt I would be exact. Then the phone, or it might have been the plant, I can't really remember told me to call you, kept calling me a wimp. So finally to shut it or them up I called you, which is why I'm having a conversation with you now, or well I'm talking and you are listening. You have been listening right? Colonel?"
Trying to stem the laughter that has been bubbling since she mentioned talking plants, you take a deep breath.
"I hear you Carter."
"Sam, call me Sam."
"Ok then, Sam, what exactly is the point of this phone call?"
"Haven't you been listening?"
You sigh, reaching out and grabbing the glass, downing the contents in one, pouring yourself another one and you consider how to best end this conversation as quickly as possible.
"Colonel?" she sounds pissed, in both meanings of the word and you realise that time is up.
"Carter" she growls over the phone and you quickly correct, "Sam, I heard what you said and I think that you should probably sleep on what Janet said, as I'm not really sure you can trust talking plants." You cough, trying to hide the laugh that escaped, "and you can call me back in the morning and we'll talk about it ok?"
"Jack," you are pretty sure that if you could see her now she would be pouting, and you reach for the bottle of Jack Daniels. "I'm horny" and spit out the mouthful of it all over yourself, chocking on some of it, and you cannot help but wonder why you are in this mess, after all horny drunk majors were never in the job specifications. "Jack, baby, are you all right?"
"Carter I'm fine. Your not. Now I am ordering you to go get some coffee, a lot of it and then sleep it off. Now I'm going to put the phone down Carter and I am ordering you not to phone me again tonight. Understood?"
"But I was thinking, phone sex probably wouldn't break…" You put the phone down; not wanting to hear the rest of the sentence, as you know Carter would regret it in the morning.
You consider unplugging the phone but decide against it as if anyone else needed to get in touch they would not be able to, after all the Asguard did have awful timing, and you could always just put the phone down on Carter again.
Moving back to your seat you collapse onto it, mulling over what she had said, and you find yourself wondering whether phone sex would be against regulations, as your are pretty sure that that is what the rest of her sentence would have been.
-------------------------------------------
Half an hour and most of the bottle later you are seriously considering taking Sam up on her offer, although you might have to check with Daniel about the regulation breaking.
You have picked up the phone and pressed redial before your alcohol fogged brain has a chance to catch up.
"Hello?" She sounds slightly upset and you wonder if you hurt her feelings.
"Sam?"
"Jack!" She giggles happily and you have a passing thought on how much alcohol she has drunk in the past thirty minutes. "I was upset because the plants started yelling at me because I wasn't talking to you, but I couldn't because you had ordered me not to and because I'm a good little soldier I followed your orders, because you are a good leader but I don't like our relationship like that because I like you a lot. Wow I included a lot of because, guess I'm trying to explain it a lot more than I need to."
You had been laughing, up until the 'I like you a lot' bit, which had almost sobered you up, at least for a few seconds. "You like me?"
"Of course I do silly, if I didn't like you I wouldn't want phone sex with you," oh boy, "and more." She finishes in a stage whisper, causing you to laugh. "Hey! I'm being serious, if this isn't what you want why did you phone me?"
"Because I wanted to hear your vice. And I like the sound of your idea but we may need to check with Daniel whether it would be breaking rules."
"Call him on your portable phone thingy."
"Mobile?"
"Yeah, that. Call him on your mobile and that way you can tell me what he says."
You put the phone down on the counter and move to your coat, searching the pockets until you realise that you left your mobile on the counter. Swearing to yourself you reach over for it, miss it and nearly fall over, just managing to grab the counter edge in time. Keeping a hold of the counter you reach for the mobile, clasping it firmly in your hand before slowly moving over to the couch, giving yourself time to identify which of the two couches is real.
Sitting down on the right one, you pick the home phone back up and rest it against your ear before dialling Daniel's house on your mobile, trying to ignore Sam's drunken singing in your ear.
"Hello?"
"Hey Danny boy." You hear or should that be don't hear Sam as she stops singing and listens to the conversation.
"Jack? It's a bit late for a chat."
You hear him yawn and glance at the clock, not having realised how late it was getting.
"Me and Sam have a question for you."
"Since when have you called her Sam?"
You grin, "since she called me and we discussed our lack of a relationship."
He yawns again. "And why are you calling me?"
"Because you are clever, and she said that she was too drunk to be clever, and I'm not clever and since you are clever and sober, I hope, we thought you might know."
You hear Sam laugh and suddenly realise that she is only hearing your half of the conversation.
Daniel sighs, and you wonder why he is still sober. "Know what?"
"Whether phone sex breaks the regulations."
There is silence at the other end of the phone and you think that you can probably hear his mind whirring. "Sam is not at your place?"
You wonder why he changed the topic, but he is the brainy one so you go along. "No, she is on the phone. Well the house phone, and you are on the mobile, otherwise you would be able to hear her humming."
"Listen to me Jack very carefully. I want you and Sam to put the phone down and wait for me."
"You want to be a part of it?"
"What? No. I am going to come over and prevent it. Now Jack, put the phone down on Sam."
"Ok." You pick up the home phone. "Sam honey."
"Yes?"
"Daniel is being a spoil sport. Says I have to put the phone down on you."
"Do I have to put the phone down on you?"
"Yes." You hear her sigh, and hope Daniel knows what he is doing. "But space monkey is coming over; I think he is going to work it all out for us."
"Yay!" You can hear her clapping. "Call me back as soon as it's sorted."
"Of course." She puts the phone down and you listen to the dial tone for a few seconds before picking the mobile back up.
"Jack, I did not say I was going to sort it out!" You move the phone away from your ear, laughing slightly at how fatherly and mad Daniel sounds.
Slowly moving the phone back you can hear deep breathing on the other side and think that he is probably counting to ten to stop from yelling, after all that is supposed to help.
"Daniel," you say softly, well as softly as a drunken, grey haired colonel can be. "Why are you coming over if you aren't going to sort things out?"
"Jack," he sighs and you wonder if he ever thought he would have to deal with two drunken, horny air force officers. "I am going to sort things out, just not the way you think."
"Oh." You look at the now near empty bottle of Jack Daniels and wonder if you have any more. "Daniel."
"What?"
"I'm drinking us." You giggle loudly, then get slightly disturbed, air force Colonels do not giggle. But air force Majors do, they giggle very nicely, especially they blonde haired one you know.
"So you finally got around to drinking that bottle of Jack Daniels. Didn't Teal'c buy that last Christmas, to remind you that we are supposed to be friends?"
"Yeah." You move over to the other drinks you have. "Can I call Sam and chat, just chat I promise, well maybe rude chat but just chat, while you are driving here?"
"No!"
"But…"
"Jack, listen to me. You are drunk, and you said before that Sam is too and that makes both of you dangers to yourselves."
"I would never hurt Sam. I care about her this much." You hold you arms wide apart, causing the phone to fall to the ground; and you to lose your balance, ending up on the floor next to the phone. Laughing as you suddenly realise that Daniel has no idea how much 'this much' is, you pick the phone back up. "I like her a lot."
"And she likes you a lot and normally that isn't a problem as you both know the limitations of the regulations. However I suppose recent missions have been quite stressful and that has probably caused both of you to wonder whether it is worth losing your personal lives when you might die tomorrow."
"Isn't that just the way to cheer a guy up." You toast the TV with your new glass, briefly wondering what Homer Simpson would do in your situation.
"Jack, shut up and listen. Both of you have doubts, and the alcohol has made you both more confident in expressing those doubts, and if I don't stop you it could get worse in a lot of ways. For starters the NID could be listening to your conversations, if I didn't make you put the phone down then either one of you could have said something you will regret tomorrow, if you haven't already, and I have to stop there because you are giving me a headache. Jack I am going to put the phone down and I want you to wait quietly for me to arrive. Just watch the TV or something and don't call Sam."
"Yes Dad."
He puts the phone down and you switch the TV on, wondering how many Simpson's episodes you can get through waiting for Daniel to arrive.