Part 21

Willow kept glancing back through the rear window of the car as Graham drove. As much as she prayed, Xander was still following them closely. She was trying to calm her heart rate and her breathing since it probably wouldn't be good to pass out as she faced Xander.

"Want me to take the lead, be the 'bad cop'?" Graham asked as he glanced over at Willow.

A sad smile played at her lips as she drew her gaze away from Xander's car. "I knew this would happen sooner or later, I was just hoping for later." She took a deep breath before continuing, "It's a necessary evil and I'm kinda relieved I'm facing Xander without the others nearby. This is going to be the hardest."

Graham reached over and intertwined his fingers with Willow's. He raised her hand up to his lips and kissed her knuckles. "Because of the history?"

"Yes and no. Mostly because he knows the real me and it's going to be hard to convince him that I'm not her." A slight tear escaped her eye. "I'm not sure I can trample on his spark of hope, Graham. I just hope all this won't be for nothing and the teams really do take down the First."

Graham returned her sad smile. "I won't lie to you, Willow. Sometimes we win, sometimes they do and a lot of times it's a draw. I know that's really not what you want to hear right now, but I can promise you this. Win, lose or draw, you've made a difference in the battle already."

She squeezed his hand before her eyes drifted back to Xander's car. Willow had known at the mission briefing that this would be hard and she had been prepared to face off against her friends, but she hadn't been prepared to battle against them. Could she do it? Could she watch her friends in battle and not jump in to help?

"We're here." Graham said as he pulled into the parking lot with Xander close behind.

Willow took a deep, calming breath as she got out of the car. Her eyes took in the exterior of the demon bar that she had chosen for the confrontation. The bar had the look of Red Death's new life but the safety of being Agency run. She had wanted to drive home the fact that she moved among the demon community with ease, but she didn't want to risk Xander's life, or her cover, with the true underbelly of her new world.

"Nice place." Xander commented as he approached Willow and Graham.

"This is who I am, now. Welcome to my world, Xander."

Xander's eyes moved from the expressionless face of Willow to the dim interior of the bar and sighed. "So, show me your world."

Graham nodded to the demon behind the bar as he followed them inside. "Pitcher of House brew, Mike."

"Sure thing, Hunter."

Xander barely registered the demons in the bar as his eyes were glued to Willow looking for any sign of crayon-breaking Willow from kindergarten.

Willow waited until Mike set the pitcher of beer down and left before turning her attention to Xander. "So, still letting Buffy pull your strings I see."

Xander's eyes widened a bit at Willow's comment. "Buffy has nothing to do with me looking for you. I never stopped after I found out that you'd left."

A small smirk tilted Willow's lips, "After you threw me out, you mean."

"Willow. We were only trying to help."

Willow cut him off. "It always comes back to Buffy doesn't it, Xander? Buffy thinks magick is bad for me so Xander thinks magick is bad for me. Buffy hears from Angel that I've been a bad girl and Xander once again does her bidding. How am I doing so far?" She inwardly winced as she re-opened old wounds and insecurities.

"You're wrong, Willow. I came because I care. I came because I wanted to be included in your life again." Xander glanced around the bar before turning back to Willow. "If this is your life, I can deal with it. What I can't live with, is a life without Willow in it. Dreams just aren't enough."

Graham sat up straighter at Xander's last statement. "Dreams? You've been having dreams about Willow? What? After she left you finally realized how great Willow is and you can't live without her? You've dreamed of this moment for months?" Graham rolled his eyes. "You really don't know Willow anymore. She's Red Death now not your Willster from Sunnydale."

Xander looked from Willow's stony expression to Graham's amused face. "No. Not that kind of dreaming. I've been having dreams… visions maybe, of your life since you left Sunnydale."

Willow's spine stiffened at Xander's revelation. Visions? Of Red Death? "What kind of visions, Xander?"

He ran his hand through his hair trying to gather his thoughts. "It was just flashes really, you and him, you with a demon, you stripping the life away from a demon, a decapitation, demon hanging from a hook, you being injured, other scenes like that. I also 'saw' you with Angel."

FUCK. FUCKITY FUCK. She was projecting. Why didn't she realize that her strong emotions and reactions to the new life were going somewhere? She thought she had buried the emotions. FUCK! She hadn't buried them, she'd sent them to Xander.

Red Death's mask was firmly in place as she looked at Xander with cold, dead eyes. "Well, then I guess you've already gotten a crash course on my current life. That all happened, Xander. I kill for money and what makes you think I want you in MY life?"

Xander felt his heart break as he watched his best friend emotionlessly tell of her killing a living creature. His Willow, who couldn't stand to cause pain in anyone or anything, seemed to be living a life that was an antithesis of her beliefs. His eyes searched hers for a glimpse, a tiny spark, of the Willow he knew. He didn't see any.

"I can't believe you! Yeah, I get that magick makes you all powerful and I understand why you'd want to keep doing it. But God, Willow. The killing. What could make you take the life of another living being AND not for the greater good, but because some demon paid you?!"

Willow rolled her eyes, "Blah, blah, blah. I've heard this speech before, Xander. Though I'll admit your version is more passionate than Angel's was. Listen carefully and tell everyone else so I don't have to repeat myself. The Willow that you knew no longer exits. I'm not her anymore nor am I Faith that wants redemption or approval."

Xander looked at his friend sadly and shook his head. "No, you're not Willow anymore. I get that. But you're wrong about not being like Faith. She had a twisted view of who she was loyal to, as well. You both are doing what you're doing out of a need for approval. Her from the Mayor and you from Hunter here."

Willow's face paled slightly but regained her mask when she felt Graham's hand rub the back of her neck.

"Well, I don't know who this Faith is and if she got her praise, but Willow definitely has my appreciation." Graham leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Willow's lips hoping to give her some kind of comfort.

Willow leaned back slightly from Graham's kiss and with an emotionless mask turned her attention to Xander. "Go back to Sunnydale and mourn your Willow. She's dead, Red Death has risen from her ashes."