Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone but Tansho and my other OC's, so
keep your damn hands off them!
Warning: Some cussing and a bit of violence (the small amount that I mentioned in the overall fic warnings). Not too much though, so don't freak out.
Chapter 14 My First and My Last
We return to the tavern, and even though I nudge him twice to try to get him to stop, he continues to brush the front of his black coat to make sure his arousal is completely gone. I myself cannot help but waddle like a pregnant woman every few steps. The junction of my thighs is still somewhat tender from the intense attention it received against the back wall. But it is late; the men are beyond drunk, and the whores are tired, so I believe that no one notices Tasuki's fidgeting hands and my attempts to conceal my bow-legged walking with a continuous fluttering of my gown.
"I should be getting back to the palace," he says when we reach the bottom of the stairs. My eyebrows quickly knit together and I look up at him in confusion.
"The palace?" I say, "As in the emperor's home?"
He nods as if it is common knowledge, but then he sees that he has not explained any of it to me. "I'm sorry," he quickly replies, "I never told you did I?"
"Told me what?"
"Remember when I told you that I am a warrior of Suzaku?" he asks, lowering his voice upon the mention of the phoenix god. "Well the emperor is a warrior as well, and until the ceremony to summon Suzaku is held, he has invited me and the other warriors to stay in the palace."
I nod my understanding, but am almost instantly disappointed. "Well, I guess that I'll never be able to come visit you there," I reply. "I was hoping that you were staying somewhere close by the tavern. I never thought you would be living in the palace." I know that my disappointment shows greatly on my face, but I don't care.
"Of course you could visit me, Tansho," he answers, "I don't see why His Highness wouldn't let you."
At first I am elated that I may have the chance to see the palace and its great halls rumored to be tiled with huge slabs of diamonds, but then the realization of my situation hits me. Shingen would never allow me to go to the palace if my only reason for doing it was to see a man. A lover. I frown and slowly look away as the frown deepens.
"No," I say barely in a whisper, "Never mind it. We're not allowed to the leave the brothel without Shingen's permission. And he would never believe that I was invited to the palace." Instantly, I see Tasuki's discomfort begin to rise to the surface. He runs his fingers through his fiery hair to occupy his fidgeting hands and shifts from one foot to the other, trying to control the obvious anger that is building up inside of him at the mention of my pimp.
I have known from the beginning that Tasuki has no liking of the bulky tavern master. He knows who he is and the power that he has over my life, and for this his rage stirs at the mere mention of his name. I see now that he wants to tell me to defy him for once, to not care what he says. He wants to tell me that Shingen doesn't own me, and that I have the power to just walk away. But he doesn't know. He doesn't know the truth, and I am thankful that he is still silent. I am so thankful that he isn't encouraging me to defy the one man I cannot dare to defy.
But his murky green eyes are not silent; they scream at me and plead with me. And as I stand here looking up at him, both of us just staring at each other, I once again have a great desire to reveal all to him. But I remember my place and what would happen to us if he heard the truth, and I force myself to keep quiet. It tears at my heart-having to keep him in the darkness like this.
"It is late, after all," I say, laying a hand on his chest and smiling. His face softens and he smiles back, but only with half of his heart. "Come back tomorrow night?" I ask hopefully, my eyes widening to entice him further.
"What else would I do?" he says with a wider smile, flashing his tiny fangs in the dim light of the tavern. And with that he is gone, his heavy boots echoing across the tavern floor as he walks away.
**************************************************************************** ******************
But the next night, he does not come. I wander the tavern, trying desperately to create the illusion that I am working, but my gown hasn't been opened for a customer all night. I cannot bear to touch a man tonight. I long for one who is not here. Even though I know it's foolish and am annoyed by its presence, I am already feeling the suffocating crush of monogamy on my heart.
But Shingen's eyes are on me, glaring, asking me why I take no men upstairs. I have an answer for him, but I dare not speak it. So, when a thick-waisted man with eyes as small as pinheads gropes my womanhood and asks how much for my services, I tell him two gold coins and lead him to a room upstairs.
I feel my body move beneath the sweating giant, my smooth skin beginning to chafe against his; but my mind and soul are elsewhere, floating between the worlds and searching for him. The one man who made me love him; the one man who I made love me. I wonder why the night is almost over and he is not here. He said he would come, and he has never lied to me-- at least not until now.
When the man is done he grunts his satisfaction and rolls off me. As soon as he is on his feet, he tosses the gold coins on the bed where I lay, my body still half exposed. He barely dresses himself before lumbering out the door and slamming it behind him. And for the first time since I was twelve, I draw myself into a tight ball of flesh and press my eyes closed. For the first time since I was shoved in that room with my first man, a mumbling idiot who tore my clothes and pulled my hair, I let myself cry. And even though my anger is far more powerful than my sadness, I don't give a fuck. And I cry. I cry so hard that I fear my eyes will dry up.
But I soon realize that I am a fool. I am a stupid, idiotic girl who is love with a man whom I barely know. And I also realize that he is a fool for daring to love a whore. It is the oldest goddamn common sense known to man--never fall in love with a whore. And yet he has defied it-or he has no common sense.
But does he love you?, my mind taunts, He isn't here is he? He told you he would come, and he always has...but tonight he decided that he was finally tired of you. A couple of good fucks were all that you were worth to him.
I sit up and cover my exposed breasts with the wrinkled top of my gown. They ache from being crushed beneath the giant fool.
With a violent swipe of my hand over my tear-socked cheeks, I stop crying and get off the bed, grabbing my two gold coins as I go. Perhaps he will come, perhaps he won't. Either way, I am still a whore. Either way, I am still a slave. And I can never leave this place of reeking men and hardened women, for I am a part of them--now and forever. I smile a faint smile at my revelation. Perhaps my eyes have finally been opened, and I can rid myself of this man who dared to try to awaken a whore form her sins and show her love. Or perhaps all I have done is make my soul realize just how valuable this man's love is--how rare it is for my kind to find such luck. And I know as I stand in the door, the tainted gold coins burning a hole in my palm, that that is what I have done. He has made me realize how lucky I am to have found him.
Even if he never comes to the Black Dove again, his body will be burned into mine in a way no other man's has. I love him. He will be my first and my last love. And if he does come again, and continues coming to me until I am old and gray and my body is too feeble to give and receive pleasure any longer, I will still continue loving him just as I did that first day. But if he does not, if he has in fact abandoned me in my grief, then my love for him will still be as strong as the iron fan he carries on his back.
I realize that the gods have given whores only one chance to love; and they either take it fiercely and keep it close to them, or let it slip away slowly like their beauty and youth. I will have no other chances to love a man after I have loved Tasuki. He will be my only love, and strangely this comforts me, even if there is a chance I may never see his face again. I am comforted because I know that I have two choices--I will either fly away with Tasuki and love him until we lie in our graves together, or I will love him and lose him, and never have to relive it all over again with another man--because there will never be another man. I am no fool. Of course, there will be other men whom I will lead to my bed, but there will never be another man whom I will lead to my heart.
I tuck the coins between my breasts and return to the tavern, my mind still full of thoughts of Tasuki, but no longer troubled.
**************************************************************************** ******************
The tables are soon empty and the whores are soon retiring to their rooms. Each one hands Shingen his demanded fee, half their nights' earnings, before shuffling up the stairs to clean themselves the best they can of the men they fucked. As I pass Shingen, I hand him one of gold coins I earned from my only customer. His face falls like melting wax and even though I try to walk past him, he grabs my wrist and jerks me back in front of him.
"You think you're gonna fuck with me, Tansho?" he growls. I breathe in deeply, trying to distract my mind from the numbing pain of his hand clutching my wrist. "What the hell is this shit?" He thrusts the coin in my face then hurls it to the ground by my feet. "Well?"
"I tried, Shingen," I whimper, "But they just didn't seem too interested tonight..." I try to sound nonchalant, just as I always am around my pimp.
"Who the hell are you trying to fool, girl?!" he yells. I know that the other harlots are watching from the second floor. Shingen's eyes fall on them and he yells at them to get in their rooms. I hear scuttling and the slamming of four doors before he returns his attention to me.
"Shingen, I..." I stutter. But I am only slapped sharply on the cheekbone by his thick hand. The end of his middle finger hits my eye and I clutch at it as my vision blurs painfully. One whole side of my face burns like it was rubbed with oil and set on fire. I hold it miserably as he grabs my hair and jerks my face up to meet his. I stumble, trying to keep my own weight from ripping my hair from my scalp.
"Now listen to me," he breathes into my face like a bear, "You've been slacking off for the past week, and I am sick of loosing the money that you could be making. So, unless you want your skinny little ass out on the street with the common bitches, you get back to work and make up for the goddamned money you've cost me!!!"
He takes my upper arm in his iron grip and hurls me onto the steps. I thrust my hands out in front of me to try to soften the fall, but am too late and end up on my stomach, my arms stretched out in front of me. My stomach and breastbone scream as the sharp pain from the edges of the steps shoots through me. I scramble awkwardly to my feet and flee upstairs, both my hands and feet clawing at the stairs to propel me forward. I reach my room and throw myself inside, slamming the door behind me. I want to fall to my knees and howl in the pain of body and soul that I am in, but I simply let my chin fall to my chest and stare at my bare feet.
When I have calmed my frightened heart, I walk to the mirror at my vanity table to inspect the damage done to me. My entire eye is already swollen and bruised to a light bluish hue. I am shocked at its rapid transformation. I close it and gently rub it, but my vision remains blurred when I open it again. I pray that it will return to normal by morning. The apple of my cheek is also beginning to bruise, mingling with the edges of my blackening eye, making one side of my face look like a rotten peach. I feel I will retch at the sight of me.
I pour water from a small pitcher into a basin and dip a rag in it. I let it soak, then squeeze it gently to get the excess water out. I then lean my head back and place the cool rag on my swollen eye and cheekbone, hoping that it will help somewhat. I sit like that for quite a long while, my bruised face covered by the cloth, until I hear a soft tapping on my door, almost too light to hear. I ignore it, but then hear it again, louder this time.
I put the rag down and walk to my door quietly. I think it is one of the other women, come to comfort me the best she knows how, telling me that Shingen has always been an asshole, but that dealing with him is far better than living in the streets. I press my ear to the rough wood and hear the tapping again.
"Koi? Okichi?" I whisper into the door.
"No, Tansho," is the soft reply, "It's me, Tasuki."
A/N: Sad chapter isn't it?? Hate to leave you hanging like this, but I've done it before and I'll probably do it again. ^_^ Hee hee, evil me!!
Well, will Tansho's revelation earlier prove to be true? Is Tasuki the only one she'll ever be able to love? Is she doomed to remain a harlot forever, or will she be saved? And will Tasuki notice the remnants of Tansho's brutal run-in with Shingen? If so, what will he do?
Replies to reviewers:
Frenchiecangal: Yep, I loved that last lemon. It was about as spur-of-the- moment as you can get. ^_^ And I'm glad my fic made your day a bit better. And.no more swearing at your school?! It's weird hearing that.I go to a Christian high school, and well.I can't remember ever hearing cussing (hmmm.wonder why I do it so much at home?) ^_^
MeKI: That's so cool about you and your friends!! * beams * I'm so flattered that you guys liked my fic so much!
Shadow priestess: Thanks for offering your SAT scores, hon.but, yep, that's kinda impossible. ^_^ I've decided to use my ACT scores instead of my SATs for my college applications, too. Oh, and a little advice for you when you start looking for colleges..start looking as early as possible!!! I can't stress that enough!! I've got less than five months before I graduate, and I'm still looking for a good college (I'm going to look at one on Monday, actually). You probably got a few more years before this stuff, but still. ^_^
P.S. to all reviewers: I'm so sorry that this update took so damn long. I'm not being negligent..just berated with college and school. Thanks for bearing with me though!! ^_^
Love all you!!!
Warning: Some cussing and a bit of violence (the small amount that I mentioned in the overall fic warnings). Not too much though, so don't freak out.
Chapter 14 My First and My Last
We return to the tavern, and even though I nudge him twice to try to get him to stop, he continues to brush the front of his black coat to make sure his arousal is completely gone. I myself cannot help but waddle like a pregnant woman every few steps. The junction of my thighs is still somewhat tender from the intense attention it received against the back wall. But it is late; the men are beyond drunk, and the whores are tired, so I believe that no one notices Tasuki's fidgeting hands and my attempts to conceal my bow-legged walking with a continuous fluttering of my gown.
"I should be getting back to the palace," he says when we reach the bottom of the stairs. My eyebrows quickly knit together and I look up at him in confusion.
"The palace?" I say, "As in the emperor's home?"
He nods as if it is common knowledge, but then he sees that he has not explained any of it to me. "I'm sorry," he quickly replies, "I never told you did I?"
"Told me what?"
"Remember when I told you that I am a warrior of Suzaku?" he asks, lowering his voice upon the mention of the phoenix god. "Well the emperor is a warrior as well, and until the ceremony to summon Suzaku is held, he has invited me and the other warriors to stay in the palace."
I nod my understanding, but am almost instantly disappointed. "Well, I guess that I'll never be able to come visit you there," I reply. "I was hoping that you were staying somewhere close by the tavern. I never thought you would be living in the palace." I know that my disappointment shows greatly on my face, but I don't care.
"Of course you could visit me, Tansho," he answers, "I don't see why His Highness wouldn't let you."
At first I am elated that I may have the chance to see the palace and its great halls rumored to be tiled with huge slabs of diamonds, but then the realization of my situation hits me. Shingen would never allow me to go to the palace if my only reason for doing it was to see a man. A lover. I frown and slowly look away as the frown deepens.
"No," I say barely in a whisper, "Never mind it. We're not allowed to the leave the brothel without Shingen's permission. And he would never believe that I was invited to the palace." Instantly, I see Tasuki's discomfort begin to rise to the surface. He runs his fingers through his fiery hair to occupy his fidgeting hands and shifts from one foot to the other, trying to control the obvious anger that is building up inside of him at the mention of my pimp.
I have known from the beginning that Tasuki has no liking of the bulky tavern master. He knows who he is and the power that he has over my life, and for this his rage stirs at the mere mention of his name. I see now that he wants to tell me to defy him for once, to not care what he says. He wants to tell me that Shingen doesn't own me, and that I have the power to just walk away. But he doesn't know. He doesn't know the truth, and I am thankful that he is still silent. I am so thankful that he isn't encouraging me to defy the one man I cannot dare to defy.
But his murky green eyes are not silent; they scream at me and plead with me. And as I stand here looking up at him, both of us just staring at each other, I once again have a great desire to reveal all to him. But I remember my place and what would happen to us if he heard the truth, and I force myself to keep quiet. It tears at my heart-having to keep him in the darkness like this.
"It is late, after all," I say, laying a hand on his chest and smiling. His face softens and he smiles back, but only with half of his heart. "Come back tomorrow night?" I ask hopefully, my eyes widening to entice him further.
"What else would I do?" he says with a wider smile, flashing his tiny fangs in the dim light of the tavern. And with that he is gone, his heavy boots echoing across the tavern floor as he walks away.
**************************************************************************** ******************
But the next night, he does not come. I wander the tavern, trying desperately to create the illusion that I am working, but my gown hasn't been opened for a customer all night. I cannot bear to touch a man tonight. I long for one who is not here. Even though I know it's foolish and am annoyed by its presence, I am already feeling the suffocating crush of monogamy on my heart.
But Shingen's eyes are on me, glaring, asking me why I take no men upstairs. I have an answer for him, but I dare not speak it. So, when a thick-waisted man with eyes as small as pinheads gropes my womanhood and asks how much for my services, I tell him two gold coins and lead him to a room upstairs.
I feel my body move beneath the sweating giant, my smooth skin beginning to chafe against his; but my mind and soul are elsewhere, floating between the worlds and searching for him. The one man who made me love him; the one man who I made love me. I wonder why the night is almost over and he is not here. He said he would come, and he has never lied to me-- at least not until now.
When the man is done he grunts his satisfaction and rolls off me. As soon as he is on his feet, he tosses the gold coins on the bed where I lay, my body still half exposed. He barely dresses himself before lumbering out the door and slamming it behind him. And for the first time since I was twelve, I draw myself into a tight ball of flesh and press my eyes closed. For the first time since I was shoved in that room with my first man, a mumbling idiot who tore my clothes and pulled my hair, I let myself cry. And even though my anger is far more powerful than my sadness, I don't give a fuck. And I cry. I cry so hard that I fear my eyes will dry up.
But I soon realize that I am a fool. I am a stupid, idiotic girl who is love with a man whom I barely know. And I also realize that he is a fool for daring to love a whore. It is the oldest goddamn common sense known to man--never fall in love with a whore. And yet he has defied it-or he has no common sense.
But does he love you?, my mind taunts, He isn't here is he? He told you he would come, and he always has...but tonight he decided that he was finally tired of you. A couple of good fucks were all that you were worth to him.
I sit up and cover my exposed breasts with the wrinkled top of my gown. They ache from being crushed beneath the giant fool.
With a violent swipe of my hand over my tear-socked cheeks, I stop crying and get off the bed, grabbing my two gold coins as I go. Perhaps he will come, perhaps he won't. Either way, I am still a whore. Either way, I am still a slave. And I can never leave this place of reeking men and hardened women, for I am a part of them--now and forever. I smile a faint smile at my revelation. Perhaps my eyes have finally been opened, and I can rid myself of this man who dared to try to awaken a whore form her sins and show her love. Or perhaps all I have done is make my soul realize just how valuable this man's love is--how rare it is for my kind to find such luck. And I know as I stand in the door, the tainted gold coins burning a hole in my palm, that that is what I have done. He has made me realize how lucky I am to have found him.
Even if he never comes to the Black Dove again, his body will be burned into mine in a way no other man's has. I love him. He will be my first and my last love. And if he does come again, and continues coming to me until I am old and gray and my body is too feeble to give and receive pleasure any longer, I will still continue loving him just as I did that first day. But if he does not, if he has in fact abandoned me in my grief, then my love for him will still be as strong as the iron fan he carries on his back.
I realize that the gods have given whores only one chance to love; and they either take it fiercely and keep it close to them, or let it slip away slowly like their beauty and youth. I will have no other chances to love a man after I have loved Tasuki. He will be my only love, and strangely this comforts me, even if there is a chance I may never see his face again. I am comforted because I know that I have two choices--I will either fly away with Tasuki and love him until we lie in our graves together, or I will love him and lose him, and never have to relive it all over again with another man--because there will never be another man. I am no fool. Of course, there will be other men whom I will lead to my bed, but there will never be another man whom I will lead to my heart.
I tuck the coins between my breasts and return to the tavern, my mind still full of thoughts of Tasuki, but no longer troubled.
**************************************************************************** ******************
The tables are soon empty and the whores are soon retiring to their rooms. Each one hands Shingen his demanded fee, half their nights' earnings, before shuffling up the stairs to clean themselves the best they can of the men they fucked. As I pass Shingen, I hand him one of gold coins I earned from my only customer. His face falls like melting wax and even though I try to walk past him, he grabs my wrist and jerks me back in front of him.
"You think you're gonna fuck with me, Tansho?" he growls. I breathe in deeply, trying to distract my mind from the numbing pain of his hand clutching my wrist. "What the hell is this shit?" He thrusts the coin in my face then hurls it to the ground by my feet. "Well?"
"I tried, Shingen," I whimper, "But they just didn't seem too interested tonight..." I try to sound nonchalant, just as I always am around my pimp.
"Who the hell are you trying to fool, girl?!" he yells. I know that the other harlots are watching from the second floor. Shingen's eyes fall on them and he yells at them to get in their rooms. I hear scuttling and the slamming of four doors before he returns his attention to me.
"Shingen, I..." I stutter. But I am only slapped sharply on the cheekbone by his thick hand. The end of his middle finger hits my eye and I clutch at it as my vision blurs painfully. One whole side of my face burns like it was rubbed with oil and set on fire. I hold it miserably as he grabs my hair and jerks my face up to meet his. I stumble, trying to keep my own weight from ripping my hair from my scalp.
"Now listen to me," he breathes into my face like a bear, "You've been slacking off for the past week, and I am sick of loosing the money that you could be making. So, unless you want your skinny little ass out on the street with the common bitches, you get back to work and make up for the goddamned money you've cost me!!!"
He takes my upper arm in his iron grip and hurls me onto the steps. I thrust my hands out in front of me to try to soften the fall, but am too late and end up on my stomach, my arms stretched out in front of me. My stomach and breastbone scream as the sharp pain from the edges of the steps shoots through me. I scramble awkwardly to my feet and flee upstairs, both my hands and feet clawing at the stairs to propel me forward. I reach my room and throw myself inside, slamming the door behind me. I want to fall to my knees and howl in the pain of body and soul that I am in, but I simply let my chin fall to my chest and stare at my bare feet.
When I have calmed my frightened heart, I walk to the mirror at my vanity table to inspect the damage done to me. My entire eye is already swollen and bruised to a light bluish hue. I am shocked at its rapid transformation. I close it and gently rub it, but my vision remains blurred when I open it again. I pray that it will return to normal by morning. The apple of my cheek is also beginning to bruise, mingling with the edges of my blackening eye, making one side of my face look like a rotten peach. I feel I will retch at the sight of me.
I pour water from a small pitcher into a basin and dip a rag in it. I let it soak, then squeeze it gently to get the excess water out. I then lean my head back and place the cool rag on my swollen eye and cheekbone, hoping that it will help somewhat. I sit like that for quite a long while, my bruised face covered by the cloth, until I hear a soft tapping on my door, almost too light to hear. I ignore it, but then hear it again, louder this time.
I put the rag down and walk to my door quietly. I think it is one of the other women, come to comfort me the best she knows how, telling me that Shingen has always been an asshole, but that dealing with him is far better than living in the streets. I press my ear to the rough wood and hear the tapping again.
"Koi? Okichi?" I whisper into the door.
"No, Tansho," is the soft reply, "It's me, Tasuki."
A/N: Sad chapter isn't it?? Hate to leave you hanging like this, but I've done it before and I'll probably do it again. ^_^ Hee hee, evil me!!
Well, will Tansho's revelation earlier prove to be true? Is Tasuki the only one she'll ever be able to love? Is she doomed to remain a harlot forever, or will she be saved? And will Tasuki notice the remnants of Tansho's brutal run-in with Shingen? If so, what will he do?
Replies to reviewers:
Frenchiecangal: Yep, I loved that last lemon. It was about as spur-of-the- moment as you can get. ^_^ And I'm glad my fic made your day a bit better. And.no more swearing at your school?! It's weird hearing that.I go to a Christian high school, and well.I can't remember ever hearing cussing (hmmm.wonder why I do it so much at home?) ^_^
MeKI: That's so cool about you and your friends!! * beams * I'm so flattered that you guys liked my fic so much!
Shadow priestess: Thanks for offering your SAT scores, hon.but, yep, that's kinda impossible. ^_^ I've decided to use my ACT scores instead of my SATs for my college applications, too. Oh, and a little advice for you when you start looking for colleges..start looking as early as possible!!! I can't stress that enough!! I've got less than five months before I graduate, and I'm still looking for a good college (I'm going to look at one on Monday, actually). You probably got a few more years before this stuff, but still. ^_^
P.S. to all reviewers: I'm so sorry that this update took so damn long. I'm not being negligent..just berated with college and school. Thanks for bearing with me though!! ^_^
Love all you!!!