Disclaimer: I don't own Tasuki or FY...so don't sue me. But I do own
Tansho. So if you try to steal her, I sure as hell will sue you!!! ^_^
Have a nice day!
In answer to your question, Chels=dawg (cute name ^_^), Tansho was mad at Tasuki because of how he acted towards Isamu when she had thought him to be calm and gentle. He wanted to kill the guy (for right reason, but not in Tansho's eyes), and then he had the nerve to try to touch her. I know it seems overly emotional, but that's the way I designed her personality (a bit of a neurotic ^_^)
Chapter 18 Just Go
I step out onto the veranda and stand still for a moment, letting myself get used to the chill in the air. I see him out of the corner of my bruised eye, pacing ferociously back and forth at the end of the veranda. The air around him seems to be heavy, weighing down on him, irritating him. I watch as he bares his teeth, allowing his tiny fangs to gleam maliciously in the lamp light of the veranda. He runs his fingers through his flame-like hair anxiously. I am over-run with relief that he is still here and didn't allow his anger to dictate his mind after all.
Carefully, I approach him as if I were approaching a wounded tiger. His head jerks up and his green eyes lock on mine, causing me to instantly halt in my tracks at their utter wildness. I am still not afraid of him, but my mind tells me to be very cautious. I stand still a few feet in front of him and simply watch him for a moment, taking notice of the tense muscles in his neck. His eyes glance at me, then at the floor, then back at me. He seems ashamed. And I know why.
"Thank you," I finally say, trying to make my voice tranquil to calm him, "Thank you for saving me." I pause and gingerly bring a finger up to the corner of my mouth when I taste blood. I then press my knuckles to my nose and bring my hand away with smudges of red all over them. "Fuck..." I whisper, remembering how badly I'm bleeding. I'm also angry with myself for not attempting to clean myself up before attempting to talk to Tasuki. I turn my face away, not wanting him to see.
I take my long sleeve in my hand and swiftly rip a section off, not caring that I've completely ruined it. I roll the silk up and press it to the corner of my mouth, embarrassed and pissed off beyond belief that I now have more bruises and cuts to deal with, along with the black eye Shingen gave me the night before.
Suddenly, I hear Tasuki walking towards me, his heavy black boots echoing across the wooden veranda. Startled, I turn to face him again and back up a little, thinking he will begin a confrontation with me. He stops right in front of me and gently takes the piece of cloth from my hand, crumpling it in his own.
"Let me help you...you can't really see what you're doing," he says emotionlessly, gently pressing the cool silk to my mouth.
"Thank you," I say again. I stand very still for a few moments, letting him clean my face wounds. His fingertips press gently on my cheek to keep my face still for him, and I close my eyes as he caresses me slightly and probably unintentionally. When he is finished with the small cut on my mouth, he tilts my chin with his fingers and presses the cloth to my nose, letting the silk seep up the blood on its own. I keep my hands by my side; I trust him with everything in me. "I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't come," I say, being careful not to open my mouth too wide for fear of disrupting his gentle hands.
"Where was your pimp?" He asks coldly, averting his eyes from mine and concentrating on my nosebleed.
"I was wondering that myself.when Isamu had me on the ground," I answer, smiling a little. He doesn't return my smile, and I drop my eyes in humiliation. Why am I being so foolish? He just saved me from being beaten to death, and I'm making light of the situation.
"I suppose you'll be leaving soon?" I ask quietly, "For Mount Reikaku?"
"I'll be leaving soon.yes," he replies, his voice still flat, "But not for home."
I lift my eyes to his, then gasp and jerk in pain as he touches the cut on my brow caused by my head hitting the wooden tavern table. He mumbles an apology, then gently begins to dap the area around the tender cut, being careful not to touch it directly.
"Where are you going?" I ask, "Why will you not be going home?"
He doesn't answer. He won't look at my eyes, only my wounds. Exasperated by his actions, I take his wrist and draw away from him, finally looking at him directly. His eyes meet mine, but he quickly glances to the ground, averting them yet again.
"Tasuki!" I cry, "Why won't you look at me?" I step closer, still holding his wrist, trying to look up at him. He pays me no attention. I see him clutch the piece of soiled silk in his fist. "What happened, Tasuki?" I ask, almost begging, "Tell me!" He takes hold of my fingers around his wrist with his other hand and pries them away. I let my hands fall to my sides, but my gaze remains on his downcast eyes, pleading with him to look at me. "What happened?"
He inhales deeply and scratches the back of his fiery head, finally lifting his eyes and staring into mine. I feel my breath rush from my lungs at the sight of his eyes. Sadness. So much of it. "We failed, Tansho," he says simply, "We failed to summon Suzaku."
I am shocked and confused at his confession. I shake my head. "Failed? But how?" I ask, knitting my brows together with worry.
"We were fooled by one of the warriors of Seiryu," he tells me, looking off into the lights of the capital and the blackness beyond. "We thought he was one of us.but he was a spy sent to sabotage the ceremony to summon Suzaku. And he succeeded. We failed.and he died." His eyes are distant, looking for something in the black sky beyond the city. He blinks several times as if to rid himself of something in his view and glances at me again, a determined look set on his perfect features.
"Seiryu? A rival god?" I ask, even though I already know of the god in the form of a dragon. He nods simply, silently. "So.it's over?" I whisper. I can't believe that is true. He always seemed so adamant on his quest, so unbelievably determined. He even left his home and those who depended on him, those who looked up to him, to come here and summon the beast god to help Konan. And now it is over?
"No," he answers, "No, it's far from over." He pauses and scratches the back of his head again. "Like I said, I have to leave.but not to go home. We have to go to Hokkan, to get this thing.hell if I know what the damn thing's called...and supposedly be able to summon Suzaku after that," he explains, obviously not really understanding it all himself. "That's why I haven't been to see you in so long. We've been preparing for the journey to Hokkan."
"Hokkan?" I reply curiously, "Isn't that all the way up north? You have to go that far?" He nods, but seems undeterred, unafraid. I even think I catch a hint of excitement in his eyes. My heart sighs long and hard. That's why he hasn't been to the tavern for so long. He and the others have been preparing for the trip north. I shake my head in defeat. I cannot deny the admiration I have for him. He is obviously tenacious, and he proved his loyalty to me long ago. Of course he would be loyal to his god and his priestess as well and go where he is needed. I am ashamed at myself for even thinking he would abandon everything now--and abandon me. I smile at him, and for the first time since I walked onto the veranda, he smiles back at me.
"But I'll come back," he says quietly, under his breath. He walks closer to me and clutches the piece of cloth in his hand again.
"How long?" I ask, holding still yet again as he restarts his gentle tending, beginning again with the cut on my forehead.
"I don't know," he answers, "A month, three months, half a year.I really have no idea."
"But you'll come back, right?" I say, my heart beat quickening at the soft feel of his fingers running across my forehead and below my chin.
"Of course," he whispers. He has lowered his face dangerously close to mine without my noticing. But when I feel his lips on my brow, I notice and begin to finally relax. "Of course," he repeats, breathing against me. "And we can leave as soon as I do."
My heart stops and drips like tears into my body cavity. My eyes close sadly, suddenly becoming painful at the sight of his black coat so close to me. I lower my head away from his gentle hands and take a single step away from him. It is now my turn to keep my eyes from his.
He instantly notices my sudden change of mood, and instantly understands. Unlike me, he is no fool. "Tansho," he whispers, "I said it could be months...isn't that enough time for you? I mean, that's what you wanted, right? Time?"
I am so heartbroken. I am so empty, completely hollowed out. I feel my insides begin to bruise slowly, beginning to match my skin. My eyes wander upwards to his, and I immediately regret the action. His eyes are so hopeful, so innocent; and I offer him nothing but rejection.
"I promised nothing, Tasuki," I reply hastily, my voice raspy.
"But.you said..."
"I was stalling.just buying myself time," I say quickly, not allowing him another word.
"You mean to tell me that you never intended to come with me?" he asks me, his tone unbelieving.
"I want to with all of my heart, with all my soul and body," I answer, slowly beginning to crumble in front of him, "But I just can't...so please...don't ask me again..."
"Tansho!" he cries, his voice suddenly rising, startling me, "What is wrong with you? Why do you think you can't? What is so hard? You just walk away...you just leave!!" He looks at me with disbelief, his mouth open in confusion. "You won't be alone. You'll never be alone...I'll stay with you, Tansho. I know it will be hard for you, but are you truly happy with living here...with fucking strangers every night...with being beaten close to death every night? Listen to me, please...," he cries, snatching my hands in his and squeezing my fingers, "Why don't you believe me?"
"I believe you, Tasuki, I do...I just..." I feel my skin cracking. It will be gone soon, and I will be left exposed to him. All of me, laid out for anyone to see. "I just can't go!!!" I cry out, desperate to make him hear me, to make him understand me.
"Why? Tell me why??!!" I hear him yelling now, shaking me. I feel wetness on my face, leaking from my beaten eyes. My tears mingle with the blood of my cuts, and seeps into my crumbling skin.
"Because I can't!!!" I scream furiously, tearing away from him like a mad woman. When I am free of his hands, I wrap my arms around myself and collapse on the rough wood of the porch, staring at my lap. I weep uncontrollably as my outer shell peels away, layer after layer.
"My life...my life was taken out of my control long ago.so long." I hear myself begin to speak, but I have no idea where the words are being born, where in my mind they are coming from. But I continue to speak softly, in hollow, empty words. "Just because I've finally found someone to love me...and someone...someone to love back, that doesn't mean I can take my life back." I lift my head and stare at him, holding him to me with my delirious eyes, not letting him go until I have told him the truth-- finally. No more lies about me being a foolish little girl following a whore into a brothel. He'll finally know.
He drops to his knees at the sight of me crumpled on mine. He is silent, waiting for my strange, hypnotic, unearthly words to continue. But I can feel them now, emanating form inside of me. They are free now, and I am unable to stop them.
"If I go with you, I can be put to death if I am ever found," I say unsteadily, "That's the punishment for a run away, Tasuki." I blink several times, sweeping away the threatening tears with my eyelashes.
I lift my head and stare at him almost as if I were challenging him. "I was given to Shingen five years ago as payment for a debt," I say bitterly, emotionlessly. "Do you understand Tasuki?!" I cry hoarsely. He stares back at me, his eyes wide, his lips parted. "I am Shingen's slave...he owns me.he owns me.." My words convert back to their deathly whispering, devoid of any strength or emotion.
I stare blindly ahead, my eyes looking at Tasuki, but seeing only blackness. And all at once, my grief, my hatred, my sorrow, my anger, my desperation, my loneliness, and my bitterness are all swept away as the last of my tears fall. I have been released from the bondage of my secret. I am free to do as I see fit. I am astonished at the cleanliness I suddenly feel, and I am invigorated by the sudden rush of power in my veins. I uncurl my arms from my body and stand up slowly in front of Tasuki, who is still on his knees, staring.
"That's why I can't go with you, Tasuki," I reply sadly but firmly, "I'm so very sorry."
He looks up at me, bewildered, like a child unable to ask a question because he doesn't have the ability to express the emotions he doesn't understand. "Why did you never tell me, Tansho?" he whispers into the air, his voice unbearably tortured. "Why did you lie to me?" Even though he has the right to be, I know he is not angry. I walk closer to him and sink to my knees in front of him. His eyes follow my motions in a trance. I gently take his face in my hands, making sure to treat him with the care in which he treated me; and I touch his forehead to mine. I snake my fingers into his fiery hair, cool to the touch from being outside for so long.
"Because I love you," I reply in a gentle whisper. I feel his hands curl around my wrists slowly. He peers at me through the layers of his red bangs, showing his beauty to me in a new way that captivates me. "I didn't want you to try to save me. I wanted to keep you as long as I could before you knew that you could never truly have me." My voice is so laden with sorrow that I feel I will drown before I can speak all of my truth to him. He releases my wrists and touches my face with his fingertips, stroking my moist cheeks. "Please don't be mad at me. It is all so hard to explain..." I pause and take his remaining hand from around my wrist. I turn it to the sky and lovingly kiss his palm, then press it warmly to my face, ignoring the dull pain of my bruises. "Please, just leave now, Tasuki. I have lost far too many things that I've loved over the years of my life...but if you succeed in your journey to Hokkan, summon Suzaku, and go home safely to your bandits...and be happy...then you will never be added to those things that I've lost." I take his face in my hands again and kiss his cheek softly, listening to him sigh against my hair in sadness. "If you remember me...and be happy, then I will be able to do the same for you, my darling."
I lean my head on his shoulder and gently wrap my arms around his shoulders, thinking that I will never again be able to hold him to me. I refuse to weep. The time for weeping has passed. My truth has been revealed, and by the way he sighs into my hair, he understands. His arms move silently to my back and he pulls me to him in a desperate motion. I hear his lungs inhale violently.
"How can you ask me to just be happy remembering you?" he whispers into my hair, "How could I ever be happy with that?" He takes me by the shoulders and pulls away, looking at me with glazed-over eyes. "If you love me, how can you do such a thing?"
"I have no choice," I answer, "I do not belong to myself, Tasuki. I do not have control over my actions, and I cannot and will not leave...even though I have wanted to from the day I came here...I cannot." I am beginning to yell again without noticing. My mind is too full of weeping to be able to control itself any longer, much less my pain-wracked body.
He pulls away from my arms and stands to his feet unsteadily. "You mean to tell me that you want to stay here and die??!! You are willing to do that simply because you are a slave?!"
"I have no goddamned choice!!!" I scream back at him, my body suddenly wracked with spasms. I startle my own self with my outburst. I look up at him, wondering why his demeanor has changed again so suddenly, and why mine has done the same. He is like a volcano or a typhoon, unannounced and destructive, just as am I. "Please...just go!!" I yell at him, hearing my voice crack from the immense pressure upon me, "Just leave!!". I thrust my finger toward the darkness and the glittering lights of the city. "Just go!!" He stares at me for the longest time and I am so angry with him. He has made me love him, and now I am making him leave me. I am so angry with myself. How could I? Oh, gods, how am I able to do such a thing. "Leave...please!!!" I bellow at him when he still refuses to move from where he stands.
"I wish you had told me the truth earlier," he says to me, his voice shaky, "But...I will not force you to come with me, Tansho," he says finally, quietly, calmly, "I cannot force you. If this is your wish...then so be it!!" He lowers his head and sighs deeply, raking his fingers through his beautiful red and orange hair. I suddenly find my strength and get up slowly and stand facing him, the tranquility of my previous demeanor returning.
"Then this is it..." I whisper to him, my rage calming at his own calm voice. My words are more of a statement than a question, and he raises his head again to look at me.
"This is it," he says. His eyes are unbelieving, and they are unable to stay focused on me.
We stand like long-lost friends, meeting again for the first time in years. We do not appear as lovers, whose short-lived affair was more glorious and beautiful than either of us ever knew it could be. We stand solid, confident. We stand in sorrow and doubt. We stand facing each other in reverence, a woman looking at what she perceives as a god, and a man looking at what he perceives as a goddess. Both of us loving but unable to reach the other. I feel like I am a part of a myth. The tale of the bandit and the whore-- a tragic love story destined for nothing but sorrow. But still, my heart is full to the brim of love for this man, and I feel his own love for me seeping from his every pore.
"You know that I'll probably always love you," he says, sorrow and mirth mixing beautifully in his voice. His voice, his thin accent, so rich and textured with his life. A voice that I have come to adore for the way it makes my desire bloom like no other voice I have ever heard--or will ever hear again.
He holds his hand out to me and I do not hesitate to take it. He kisses my hand as if I were a lady and squeezes it gently. I can feel his hurt, his anger, his rage, all still locked inside of him. And I respect him for not being foolish. He could easily kill Shingen in his fiery rage, but he doesn't. He doesn't because he truly does have love for me. And love is far too deep for rage to uproot. "I do love you, Tansho," he whispers to me, so sadly and reverently that I fight tears yet again.
I cannot tell him. I cannot tell him that I love him. I will not. If I tell him, I'll never be able to watch him walk away from me. I sigh, knowing that at least I told him once, before now, before he is leaving me. I stand silent, and let him hold my hand.
He closes his eyes sadly when he realizes that I won't speak to him, and I do the same. The idea that he is about to leave is unbelievable to me, but then my hand is released from his, and I believe the unbelievable.
His face is so mixed with misery, love, and sorrow. I have tried to ease his fear for me, his desire to take me away from the hell he now knows I live in. But I know I have failed miserably in trying to make him unafraid for me, and I stare at him, ashamed that I have dared to turn him away from me. I have dared to turn my back on my own happiness. When I know that he had the power to save me from this place, from my brutal life, I still refuse to let him. For fear of my own life, I refuse to try to live. How goddamned foolish. How goddamned ironic.
We do not say goodbye. And I am glad. We were never meant to say goodbye. And I couldn't utter the words even if I wanted. I watch him turn slowly and walk away from me, and I feel myself hollowing out. I feel the last of my shallow happiness seeping away. When he has disappeared into the lights of the city, I know that my only chance for happiness and love has come and passed me by. I will be alone for the rest of my life. I had it so close to me, and now it is gone; he is gone, having slipped through my fingers like sand. And I am alone again. There is nothing left but blackness.
"Just go..." I whisper into the air, listening to the last remaining piece of my life drift away into the lights of the city, following silently after the man I will forever love.
The End.
Bwahahaha!!!! *** GASP*** Bwaahahahahaha!!!! ***SNORT*** Bwaaaaaahhaaa!!!***COUGH***COUGH***GASP*** Just kidding!!! I'm dramatic, but I'm not a dumbass!! I know for a fact that you'd find some way to murder me if I let it end this way...and I do value my life...so believe me, this is definitely NOT the end. But still, I would have loved to have seen your faces. Oh God, I know that ya'll are probably seriously pissed at me for even kidding about this, huh?! But don't worry...because there's much more to come! That's right!!... As a matter of fact, there is quite a lot left (you can thank me in your reviews). ^_^
God, this was the hardest chapter to write!!! I'm serious!!! I stayed up until 3:30 in the damn morning trying to make this supposed break-up scene perfect. Then, a couple of days later, I thought up a few more things to add in and spent the next hour working on it. There was so much I wanted to be said between them...so much I wanted to finally be explained. But I think I did all right. You finally know why Tansho can't leave, although she knows good and well that Tasuki could kick Shingen's ass. She truly feels that she belongs to Shingen, and that is she left, she'd be doing wrong (just in case you still don't understand). Just to let you know now, one of the big things to come is the entire, complete explanation of Tansho's past...flashback...etc...etc...
And thank you so much for your reviews, although a little more feedback on how the story's coming along would really help me out. Please??!! ^_^
In answer to your question, Chels=dawg (cute name ^_^), Tansho was mad at Tasuki because of how he acted towards Isamu when she had thought him to be calm and gentle. He wanted to kill the guy (for right reason, but not in Tansho's eyes), and then he had the nerve to try to touch her. I know it seems overly emotional, but that's the way I designed her personality (a bit of a neurotic ^_^)
Chapter 18 Just Go
I step out onto the veranda and stand still for a moment, letting myself get used to the chill in the air. I see him out of the corner of my bruised eye, pacing ferociously back and forth at the end of the veranda. The air around him seems to be heavy, weighing down on him, irritating him. I watch as he bares his teeth, allowing his tiny fangs to gleam maliciously in the lamp light of the veranda. He runs his fingers through his flame-like hair anxiously. I am over-run with relief that he is still here and didn't allow his anger to dictate his mind after all.
Carefully, I approach him as if I were approaching a wounded tiger. His head jerks up and his green eyes lock on mine, causing me to instantly halt in my tracks at their utter wildness. I am still not afraid of him, but my mind tells me to be very cautious. I stand still a few feet in front of him and simply watch him for a moment, taking notice of the tense muscles in his neck. His eyes glance at me, then at the floor, then back at me. He seems ashamed. And I know why.
"Thank you," I finally say, trying to make my voice tranquil to calm him, "Thank you for saving me." I pause and gingerly bring a finger up to the corner of my mouth when I taste blood. I then press my knuckles to my nose and bring my hand away with smudges of red all over them. "Fuck..." I whisper, remembering how badly I'm bleeding. I'm also angry with myself for not attempting to clean myself up before attempting to talk to Tasuki. I turn my face away, not wanting him to see.
I take my long sleeve in my hand and swiftly rip a section off, not caring that I've completely ruined it. I roll the silk up and press it to the corner of my mouth, embarrassed and pissed off beyond belief that I now have more bruises and cuts to deal with, along with the black eye Shingen gave me the night before.
Suddenly, I hear Tasuki walking towards me, his heavy black boots echoing across the wooden veranda. Startled, I turn to face him again and back up a little, thinking he will begin a confrontation with me. He stops right in front of me and gently takes the piece of cloth from my hand, crumpling it in his own.
"Let me help you...you can't really see what you're doing," he says emotionlessly, gently pressing the cool silk to my mouth.
"Thank you," I say again. I stand very still for a few moments, letting him clean my face wounds. His fingertips press gently on my cheek to keep my face still for him, and I close my eyes as he caresses me slightly and probably unintentionally. When he is finished with the small cut on my mouth, he tilts my chin with his fingers and presses the cloth to my nose, letting the silk seep up the blood on its own. I keep my hands by my side; I trust him with everything in me. "I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't come," I say, being careful not to open my mouth too wide for fear of disrupting his gentle hands.
"Where was your pimp?" He asks coldly, averting his eyes from mine and concentrating on my nosebleed.
"I was wondering that myself.when Isamu had me on the ground," I answer, smiling a little. He doesn't return my smile, and I drop my eyes in humiliation. Why am I being so foolish? He just saved me from being beaten to death, and I'm making light of the situation.
"I suppose you'll be leaving soon?" I ask quietly, "For Mount Reikaku?"
"I'll be leaving soon.yes," he replies, his voice still flat, "But not for home."
I lift my eyes to his, then gasp and jerk in pain as he touches the cut on my brow caused by my head hitting the wooden tavern table. He mumbles an apology, then gently begins to dap the area around the tender cut, being careful not to touch it directly.
"Where are you going?" I ask, "Why will you not be going home?"
He doesn't answer. He won't look at my eyes, only my wounds. Exasperated by his actions, I take his wrist and draw away from him, finally looking at him directly. His eyes meet mine, but he quickly glances to the ground, averting them yet again.
"Tasuki!" I cry, "Why won't you look at me?" I step closer, still holding his wrist, trying to look up at him. He pays me no attention. I see him clutch the piece of soiled silk in his fist. "What happened, Tasuki?" I ask, almost begging, "Tell me!" He takes hold of my fingers around his wrist with his other hand and pries them away. I let my hands fall to my sides, but my gaze remains on his downcast eyes, pleading with him to look at me. "What happened?"
He inhales deeply and scratches the back of his fiery head, finally lifting his eyes and staring into mine. I feel my breath rush from my lungs at the sight of his eyes. Sadness. So much of it. "We failed, Tansho," he says simply, "We failed to summon Suzaku."
I am shocked and confused at his confession. I shake my head. "Failed? But how?" I ask, knitting my brows together with worry.
"We were fooled by one of the warriors of Seiryu," he tells me, looking off into the lights of the capital and the blackness beyond. "We thought he was one of us.but he was a spy sent to sabotage the ceremony to summon Suzaku. And he succeeded. We failed.and he died." His eyes are distant, looking for something in the black sky beyond the city. He blinks several times as if to rid himself of something in his view and glances at me again, a determined look set on his perfect features.
"Seiryu? A rival god?" I ask, even though I already know of the god in the form of a dragon. He nods simply, silently. "So.it's over?" I whisper. I can't believe that is true. He always seemed so adamant on his quest, so unbelievably determined. He even left his home and those who depended on him, those who looked up to him, to come here and summon the beast god to help Konan. And now it is over?
"No," he answers, "No, it's far from over." He pauses and scratches the back of his head again. "Like I said, I have to leave.but not to go home. We have to go to Hokkan, to get this thing.hell if I know what the damn thing's called...and supposedly be able to summon Suzaku after that," he explains, obviously not really understanding it all himself. "That's why I haven't been to see you in so long. We've been preparing for the journey to Hokkan."
"Hokkan?" I reply curiously, "Isn't that all the way up north? You have to go that far?" He nods, but seems undeterred, unafraid. I even think I catch a hint of excitement in his eyes. My heart sighs long and hard. That's why he hasn't been to the tavern for so long. He and the others have been preparing for the trip north. I shake my head in defeat. I cannot deny the admiration I have for him. He is obviously tenacious, and he proved his loyalty to me long ago. Of course he would be loyal to his god and his priestess as well and go where he is needed. I am ashamed at myself for even thinking he would abandon everything now--and abandon me. I smile at him, and for the first time since I walked onto the veranda, he smiles back at me.
"But I'll come back," he says quietly, under his breath. He walks closer to me and clutches the piece of cloth in his hand again.
"How long?" I ask, holding still yet again as he restarts his gentle tending, beginning again with the cut on my forehead.
"I don't know," he answers, "A month, three months, half a year.I really have no idea."
"But you'll come back, right?" I say, my heart beat quickening at the soft feel of his fingers running across my forehead and below my chin.
"Of course," he whispers. He has lowered his face dangerously close to mine without my noticing. But when I feel his lips on my brow, I notice and begin to finally relax. "Of course," he repeats, breathing against me. "And we can leave as soon as I do."
My heart stops and drips like tears into my body cavity. My eyes close sadly, suddenly becoming painful at the sight of his black coat so close to me. I lower my head away from his gentle hands and take a single step away from him. It is now my turn to keep my eyes from his.
He instantly notices my sudden change of mood, and instantly understands. Unlike me, he is no fool. "Tansho," he whispers, "I said it could be months...isn't that enough time for you? I mean, that's what you wanted, right? Time?"
I am so heartbroken. I am so empty, completely hollowed out. I feel my insides begin to bruise slowly, beginning to match my skin. My eyes wander upwards to his, and I immediately regret the action. His eyes are so hopeful, so innocent; and I offer him nothing but rejection.
"I promised nothing, Tasuki," I reply hastily, my voice raspy.
"But.you said..."
"I was stalling.just buying myself time," I say quickly, not allowing him another word.
"You mean to tell me that you never intended to come with me?" he asks me, his tone unbelieving.
"I want to with all of my heart, with all my soul and body," I answer, slowly beginning to crumble in front of him, "But I just can't...so please...don't ask me again..."
"Tansho!" he cries, his voice suddenly rising, startling me, "What is wrong with you? Why do you think you can't? What is so hard? You just walk away...you just leave!!" He looks at me with disbelief, his mouth open in confusion. "You won't be alone. You'll never be alone...I'll stay with you, Tansho. I know it will be hard for you, but are you truly happy with living here...with fucking strangers every night...with being beaten close to death every night? Listen to me, please...," he cries, snatching my hands in his and squeezing my fingers, "Why don't you believe me?"
"I believe you, Tasuki, I do...I just..." I feel my skin cracking. It will be gone soon, and I will be left exposed to him. All of me, laid out for anyone to see. "I just can't go!!!" I cry out, desperate to make him hear me, to make him understand me.
"Why? Tell me why??!!" I hear him yelling now, shaking me. I feel wetness on my face, leaking from my beaten eyes. My tears mingle with the blood of my cuts, and seeps into my crumbling skin.
"Because I can't!!!" I scream furiously, tearing away from him like a mad woman. When I am free of his hands, I wrap my arms around myself and collapse on the rough wood of the porch, staring at my lap. I weep uncontrollably as my outer shell peels away, layer after layer.
"My life...my life was taken out of my control long ago.so long." I hear myself begin to speak, but I have no idea where the words are being born, where in my mind they are coming from. But I continue to speak softly, in hollow, empty words. "Just because I've finally found someone to love me...and someone...someone to love back, that doesn't mean I can take my life back." I lift my head and stare at him, holding him to me with my delirious eyes, not letting him go until I have told him the truth-- finally. No more lies about me being a foolish little girl following a whore into a brothel. He'll finally know.
He drops to his knees at the sight of me crumpled on mine. He is silent, waiting for my strange, hypnotic, unearthly words to continue. But I can feel them now, emanating form inside of me. They are free now, and I am unable to stop them.
"If I go with you, I can be put to death if I am ever found," I say unsteadily, "That's the punishment for a run away, Tasuki." I blink several times, sweeping away the threatening tears with my eyelashes.
I lift my head and stare at him almost as if I were challenging him. "I was given to Shingen five years ago as payment for a debt," I say bitterly, emotionlessly. "Do you understand Tasuki?!" I cry hoarsely. He stares back at me, his eyes wide, his lips parted. "I am Shingen's slave...he owns me.he owns me.." My words convert back to their deathly whispering, devoid of any strength or emotion.
I stare blindly ahead, my eyes looking at Tasuki, but seeing only blackness. And all at once, my grief, my hatred, my sorrow, my anger, my desperation, my loneliness, and my bitterness are all swept away as the last of my tears fall. I have been released from the bondage of my secret. I am free to do as I see fit. I am astonished at the cleanliness I suddenly feel, and I am invigorated by the sudden rush of power in my veins. I uncurl my arms from my body and stand up slowly in front of Tasuki, who is still on his knees, staring.
"That's why I can't go with you, Tasuki," I reply sadly but firmly, "I'm so very sorry."
He looks up at me, bewildered, like a child unable to ask a question because he doesn't have the ability to express the emotions he doesn't understand. "Why did you never tell me, Tansho?" he whispers into the air, his voice unbearably tortured. "Why did you lie to me?" Even though he has the right to be, I know he is not angry. I walk closer to him and sink to my knees in front of him. His eyes follow my motions in a trance. I gently take his face in my hands, making sure to treat him with the care in which he treated me; and I touch his forehead to mine. I snake my fingers into his fiery hair, cool to the touch from being outside for so long.
"Because I love you," I reply in a gentle whisper. I feel his hands curl around my wrists slowly. He peers at me through the layers of his red bangs, showing his beauty to me in a new way that captivates me. "I didn't want you to try to save me. I wanted to keep you as long as I could before you knew that you could never truly have me." My voice is so laden with sorrow that I feel I will drown before I can speak all of my truth to him. He releases my wrists and touches my face with his fingertips, stroking my moist cheeks. "Please don't be mad at me. It is all so hard to explain..." I pause and take his remaining hand from around my wrist. I turn it to the sky and lovingly kiss his palm, then press it warmly to my face, ignoring the dull pain of my bruises. "Please, just leave now, Tasuki. I have lost far too many things that I've loved over the years of my life...but if you succeed in your journey to Hokkan, summon Suzaku, and go home safely to your bandits...and be happy...then you will never be added to those things that I've lost." I take his face in my hands again and kiss his cheek softly, listening to him sigh against my hair in sadness. "If you remember me...and be happy, then I will be able to do the same for you, my darling."
I lean my head on his shoulder and gently wrap my arms around his shoulders, thinking that I will never again be able to hold him to me. I refuse to weep. The time for weeping has passed. My truth has been revealed, and by the way he sighs into my hair, he understands. His arms move silently to my back and he pulls me to him in a desperate motion. I hear his lungs inhale violently.
"How can you ask me to just be happy remembering you?" he whispers into my hair, "How could I ever be happy with that?" He takes me by the shoulders and pulls away, looking at me with glazed-over eyes. "If you love me, how can you do such a thing?"
"I have no choice," I answer, "I do not belong to myself, Tasuki. I do not have control over my actions, and I cannot and will not leave...even though I have wanted to from the day I came here...I cannot." I am beginning to yell again without noticing. My mind is too full of weeping to be able to control itself any longer, much less my pain-wracked body.
He pulls away from my arms and stands to his feet unsteadily. "You mean to tell me that you want to stay here and die??!! You are willing to do that simply because you are a slave?!"
"I have no goddamned choice!!!" I scream back at him, my body suddenly wracked with spasms. I startle my own self with my outburst. I look up at him, wondering why his demeanor has changed again so suddenly, and why mine has done the same. He is like a volcano or a typhoon, unannounced and destructive, just as am I. "Please...just go!!" I yell at him, hearing my voice crack from the immense pressure upon me, "Just leave!!". I thrust my finger toward the darkness and the glittering lights of the city. "Just go!!" He stares at me for the longest time and I am so angry with him. He has made me love him, and now I am making him leave me. I am so angry with myself. How could I? Oh, gods, how am I able to do such a thing. "Leave...please!!!" I bellow at him when he still refuses to move from where he stands.
"I wish you had told me the truth earlier," he says to me, his voice shaky, "But...I will not force you to come with me, Tansho," he says finally, quietly, calmly, "I cannot force you. If this is your wish...then so be it!!" He lowers his head and sighs deeply, raking his fingers through his beautiful red and orange hair. I suddenly find my strength and get up slowly and stand facing him, the tranquility of my previous demeanor returning.
"Then this is it..." I whisper to him, my rage calming at his own calm voice. My words are more of a statement than a question, and he raises his head again to look at me.
"This is it," he says. His eyes are unbelieving, and they are unable to stay focused on me.
We stand like long-lost friends, meeting again for the first time in years. We do not appear as lovers, whose short-lived affair was more glorious and beautiful than either of us ever knew it could be. We stand solid, confident. We stand in sorrow and doubt. We stand facing each other in reverence, a woman looking at what she perceives as a god, and a man looking at what he perceives as a goddess. Both of us loving but unable to reach the other. I feel like I am a part of a myth. The tale of the bandit and the whore-- a tragic love story destined for nothing but sorrow. But still, my heart is full to the brim of love for this man, and I feel his own love for me seeping from his every pore.
"You know that I'll probably always love you," he says, sorrow and mirth mixing beautifully in his voice. His voice, his thin accent, so rich and textured with his life. A voice that I have come to adore for the way it makes my desire bloom like no other voice I have ever heard--or will ever hear again.
He holds his hand out to me and I do not hesitate to take it. He kisses my hand as if I were a lady and squeezes it gently. I can feel his hurt, his anger, his rage, all still locked inside of him. And I respect him for not being foolish. He could easily kill Shingen in his fiery rage, but he doesn't. He doesn't because he truly does have love for me. And love is far too deep for rage to uproot. "I do love you, Tansho," he whispers to me, so sadly and reverently that I fight tears yet again.
I cannot tell him. I cannot tell him that I love him. I will not. If I tell him, I'll never be able to watch him walk away from me. I sigh, knowing that at least I told him once, before now, before he is leaving me. I stand silent, and let him hold my hand.
He closes his eyes sadly when he realizes that I won't speak to him, and I do the same. The idea that he is about to leave is unbelievable to me, but then my hand is released from his, and I believe the unbelievable.
His face is so mixed with misery, love, and sorrow. I have tried to ease his fear for me, his desire to take me away from the hell he now knows I live in. But I know I have failed miserably in trying to make him unafraid for me, and I stare at him, ashamed that I have dared to turn him away from me. I have dared to turn my back on my own happiness. When I know that he had the power to save me from this place, from my brutal life, I still refuse to let him. For fear of my own life, I refuse to try to live. How goddamned foolish. How goddamned ironic.
We do not say goodbye. And I am glad. We were never meant to say goodbye. And I couldn't utter the words even if I wanted. I watch him turn slowly and walk away from me, and I feel myself hollowing out. I feel the last of my shallow happiness seeping away. When he has disappeared into the lights of the city, I know that my only chance for happiness and love has come and passed me by. I will be alone for the rest of my life. I had it so close to me, and now it is gone; he is gone, having slipped through my fingers like sand. And I am alone again. There is nothing left but blackness.
"Just go..." I whisper into the air, listening to the last remaining piece of my life drift away into the lights of the city, following silently after the man I will forever love.
The End.
Bwahahaha!!!! *** GASP*** Bwaahahahahaha!!!! ***SNORT*** Bwaaaaaahhaaa!!!***COUGH***COUGH***GASP*** Just kidding!!! I'm dramatic, but I'm not a dumbass!! I know for a fact that you'd find some way to murder me if I let it end this way...and I do value my life...so believe me, this is definitely NOT the end. But still, I would have loved to have seen your faces. Oh God, I know that ya'll are probably seriously pissed at me for even kidding about this, huh?! But don't worry...because there's much more to come! That's right!!... As a matter of fact, there is quite a lot left (you can thank me in your reviews). ^_^
God, this was the hardest chapter to write!!! I'm serious!!! I stayed up until 3:30 in the damn morning trying to make this supposed break-up scene perfect. Then, a couple of days later, I thought up a few more things to add in and spent the next hour working on it. There was so much I wanted to be said between them...so much I wanted to finally be explained. But I think I did all right. You finally know why Tansho can't leave, although she knows good and well that Tasuki could kick Shingen's ass. She truly feels that she belongs to Shingen, and that is she left, she'd be doing wrong (just in case you still don't understand). Just to let you know now, one of the big things to come is the entire, complete explanation of Tansho's past...flashback...etc...etc...
And thank you so much for your reviews, although a little more feedback on how the story's coming along would really help me out. Please??!! ^_^