Disclaimer: Yadda, yadda, yadda, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit...you know
the drill...
Chapter 20 The Weeping Man
I pay no attention to the rain that is now beating down on me like a waterfall. Desperation drives me to him like lust once did. I can already feel the muscles of my thighs burning as I run in a frenzy toward the direction of the palace. After only another minute or so, my lungs join my muscles in their consuming discomfort. I soon find myself heaving and gasping, but I keep running.
I keep one hand tangled in the hem of my gown, keeping it from dragging in the dirt that is now forming into mud. Tendrils of brown hair come loose from the ribbon tied at the base of my neck and stick to my rain- soaked face. I reach my other hand up and quickly swipe away a stubborn lock from my cheek.
Soon, my thin satin slippers are water-logged and I can no longer run in them without one or both falling off. Finally tiring of having to retrace my steps to recover my shoes, I halt for a moment in the street and kick them off my feet in blind fury. People passing by me, parasols poised over their heads to protect them from the rain, stare at me in interest and amusement; but I pay as much attention to them as I do to the rain.
I begin to run again, suddenly painfully aware of how foolish I appear to passer-bys. My hair and gown soaked through and plastered to my naked body beneath, my feet bare and slowly becoming caked in mud-I must be an odd sight to any who catch a glimpse of me. But all self-conscious thoughts leave my head when I see the southern gates of the palace looming ahead of me.
I do not stop running until I am standing in front of the gates and looking up into the faces of two guards, both staring at me in shock and confusion. I open my mouth to try to speak, but one of the men beats me to it.
"What business do you have here, woman?" he asks me, stepping closer to me and lifting his head high to peer down at me. I do not even reach his chin. I stare at his red chest armor, then back away from him slowly so I do not have to strain my neck to see his face.
"I have need to see Tasuki, a warrior of Suzaku," I state loudly and quickly between deep, tortured breaths, hoping they can sense my utter desperation. But their faces and demeanors are unmoved. The other guard steps forward until he is beside his comrade and looks hard at me.
"No unauthorized person is allowed entrance to the palace, and certainly will have no audience with a warrior of Suzaku!" he barks at me.
I stare up at them, my panic quickly overpowering my self-control. "You don't understand!" I scream, "I must see him! He knows me...ask him!!!"
For a moment, I think they are considering my plea. The larger one glances at the other, but both shake their heads at me firmly. "Like I said before," one replies, "No unauthorized person is allowed inside the palace walls."
"Go get him and bring him out here then!" I scream in their faces, balling my hands into fists at my side. Oh gods, I think, what if I can't get to him. What will I do?
"We will not be ordered around by a street whore!" the smaller guard quickly answers, "Now be gone, woman!" He waves his hand at me like I was a child, but I remain rigid.
"I must see Tasuki!!!" I howl, "Please!!!" I fall on my knees, ready to do anything to get inside. Beg them. Fuck them. Kill them. I'll do anything. I press my palms to the dirty ground and lower my head, begging like the slave I know I am.
"I said leave!" the guard shouts, taking me by the upper arm, lifting me to my feet, and shoving me away from the gates. I stumble and try to remain upright, but the force of his thrust and the soft, unstable state of the ground below my bare feet causes me to lose my balance. I topple over sideways, landing on my hip in the mud. I look around, confused, bewildered, uncertain, and panicked. The desperation still drives me. I must reach him. I must find him somehow! I feel rage begin to burn, and I realize that my battle is far from over. I will see Tasuki. By the name of the gods, I will get to him somehow!
I thrust my hands into the soft ground and push myself back to my feet, my dark eyes focused on the two soldiers before me, chuckling at my ridiculous appearance.
And before I realize what I am doing, I am barreling into the two imperial guards like a crazed bull. I ram my shoulder into the abdomen of the one closest to me, sending him toppling over onto his comrade. Thankfully I surprise them with my sudden move, sending them both tumbling clumsily into the gates. The impact of their heavy bodies makes the monstrous double doors burst open. My own body weight causes me loose my footing and I sail over the men's heads, landing in the soft mud an unbelievable distance away from them. But I come to my senses quickly when I realize that I am inside the gates. Finally. I still have to pause a moment in my own shock at what I just did, but quickly recover when I notice the guards struggling to untangle themselves from each other and get to their feet. I bolt like a mad woman in a random direction, not knowing where I am going. I don't dare look over my shoulder. I just know that I have to get away from the two men and find Tasuki.
I pump my legs hard and throw my entire body into running. I sprint across a courtyard and soon find myself running on the elongated veranda of one of the palace's many wings. My feet echo and vibrate wildly on the smooth wood, and the heavy boots of the guards following me reverberate in my ears, mingling with the storm's thunder and the rhythmic thumping of the rain on the ground and palace rooftops.
I know that if I'm caught, I will be imprisoned, or even executed for daring to enter the palace grounds without permission. But I don't give a fuck. I just know that I have to tell Tasuki what I couldn't before. I have to tell him, even if it costs me my life. I must find him. I must.
I turn a corner and before I can think twice about what I am doing, I grab the handle of a door, fling it open, throw myself inside, and close it. I press my shoulder against the door, holding the inside handle so it doesn't open back up and begin to pray madly to every single god I know of. I hear the guards' footsteps approaching, but they don't even pause at the door. They barrel on, intent on finding me, unaware of my hiding place.
I heave a sigh and sink to my knees, my white-knuckled hand still gripping the door handle.. I'll wait here for a while before going to look for Tasuki again. Maybe the guards will think I fled the palace grounds and call off the search. I have no idea what I will do if I am forced to stay the night here. I know for sure that if I am discovered now, there will be more than enough reason to have me imprisoned--or worse. I breathe deeply and force myself to think about Tasuki. I must find him. I have to tell him. I cannot let him leave tomorrow thinking that I never cared anything for him when in reality he is the only man I have ever cared for.
I feel so exhausted from the night's ordeal. My face is still stinging and aching horribly from my beating earlier. And the hard rain that soaked me during my mad dash for the palace certainly didn't help my wounds at all. I pray that I don't catch cold or fever from the time I spent in the rain. I think about what to do next, never thinking to look over my shoulder, never thinking who might be there.
"Tansho?!" I hear his voice echo inside my head like the thunder booming outside. I stare into the dark wood of the door in front of me, my eyes wide yet blind. My breath heaves in and out of my lungs. My heart pumps madly in my rib cage. It cannot be. It cannot be him.
I turn slowly, thinking the voice was only inside my head, thinking that what I will see behind me is not him but an apparation of him, a ghost in my head.
But it is him. I see his fire red hair first, just as it was when he left me. Then his piercing green eyes that widen when his own doubts as to whether or not it's really me are evaporated. He stares so strangely at me, in a way he has never before looked at me. I cannot even begin to piece together the emotions flowing out of his eyes and into me.
He is sitting on a bed next to the wall. He is naked save for his tan trousers and black boots. His black coat is draped heavily over the back of chair in a corner of the room; and his white undershirt, belt, and golden sheath and fan are heaped in a pile in the chair's seat. I watch as he bends down for a moment to remove his boots from his feet. I must have walked in on him as he was undressing.
As he slides the boots off, his eyes remain locked on mine as if he were afraid that if he looked away for only a moment, I would be gone when he looked back. Only when my body begins to shiver from the wetness of my gown, does he get up and move towards me.
"Tansho," he whispers once he is standing in front of me, "What are you doing here? How did you get in?" He looks down at my trembling form curled on the floor, my fingers still wrapped around the door handle. He looks at me like it is the first time he's seen me in years.
I don't hear anything he has said to me. I don't care about anything but him, his eyes, his hair, the tanned gleam of his naked torso, the way he is looking at me. I don't care about anything else but telling him. I must tell him the truth--the entire truth about me. About everything.
"I love you," I say quietly, staring up at him. And I almost want to cry at how beautiful it sounds. Such small words that control people so fiercely. Such small words that took control of me so easily--as well as him. I am amazed at how their sound makes Tasuki's eyes deepen, like the green undertows of the ocean. And suddenly, he has collapsed on the ground in front of me and I am pressed into him so firmly it feels as if his heart is beating in my own chest. I mold to him so well, as if our bodies were created to connect to each other and no one else.
I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him against me. And he envelopes my entire back with his arms, pulling my body upwards into his, crushing my freezing skin to the warmth of his bare chest. I relish the feel of him against me again. It has been less than an hour, but I have missed the touch of him so badly.
"I'm so sorry, Tasuki," I whisper into his ear, my ragged breath causing his earring to bounce against his neck. "I want to go to Mount Reikaku with you..". I pause to pull away from him so I can talk to his face, but I only cling tighter than before. "I would go with you now if you asked me. If you could leave...if you didn't have your duty to your priestess and the beast god...I would leave with you right now if you asked me."
He pulls away slowly and stares down at me, his eyes burning like his hair. "I would take you...if I could. You know I would never let him or anyone else ever hurt you again. You would be safe with me...you would never have to do what people told you again."
"I know," I answer. "Please forgive me for not telling you before you left. I tried, I wanted to, but I was a coward." I shake my head as if the memory could be dislodged. "Please forgive me for lying to you. For everything I did to you..."
"I do, Tansho," he answers the minute I am quiet again. I am unbelievably moved by his immediate, quiet, simple response, and I cry out my happiness into his shoulder. "I forgive everything, Tansho." He says my name again and again into my ear, whispering it as if he would never tire of it, never be able to speak it again.
And without warning, his body begins to tremble against mine. It is not violent; I can barely feel it. But I do feel it, probably more than he does himself. And I can hear him try to control his sudden sobbing as tears begin to mingle with rain on the shoulder of my gown and in my dark hair. He is weeping. I can feel him and hear him. He is weeping on my account, but I do not know if it because I caused him grief or joy. But the simple fact that he is weeping tells me far more than his words could ever. A man only weeps for people he loves. Whether it be another man, a woman, or a child. This is the only time a true man dares to weep. I learned this long ago with my father, who wept only twice in my memory of him--when my mother passed away, and when I was taken away by Shingen.
I grip Tasuki like he could vanish. And I let his tears soak my hair as I listen to him, his voice mingled with sorrow and unbelievable joy as he repeats my name again and again in a low whisper, not stopping until he stops crying. Only then is he silent, only then does his body become still, and only then does he dare to look at me again.
"I was so afraid that I'd never see you again," he says to me, his voice returning to a whisper, "I love you so much, Tansho. To lose the first woman you ever loved after only just meeting her...I was so afraid I would..."
He doesn't want to let me go. His arms seem to grow tired of being wrapped sercurely around me, but when they begin to loosen, he only tightens them more. I lay my head in the valley between his shoulder and chest and hold onto him, telling him I don't want to let him go either. If we could just die like this, together; and not have to worry about the tavern, Shingen, Hokkan, Suzaku--everything that is trying to keep us apart from each other. Fate cruelly and graciously allows us meet, then begins to rip us apart like two halves of a paper. How goddamned unfair. How malicious.
But I know better than to argue with fate. I will not try to persuade Tasuki not to journey to Hokkan. I know who he is and I know his duty to his priestess and his god. I cannot change any of that, and I will not attempt to. He'll leave tomorrow, and I will remain here in Konan, in the Black Dove. But I will wait for him as long as it takes for him to return to me. Then, he will leave again; but this time it will be a journey home. And I will be walking beside him. Somehow, I will go with him. I don't care about Shingen or even the memories of my old home. As long as I can be with Tasuki, I can be happy.
Yes, he'll leave tomorrow and may never return. I understand this cruel chance. But only fate can decide that as well. But whether or not he returns to me, there is still one more night remaining for us. After everything that has taken place in the duration of our short love affair, there is one night remaining that can give us the peace of mind that we have been denied. And I have one more chance to show him my true love for him. No lies. No pain. Just us. And I know that neither of us will let our last night go to waste.
Words to live by, my dear Tansho--never let the night go to waste!! ^_^ Well, let's see here...quite alot going on, isn't there? And just what does Tansho have in mind for her and Tasuki's possible last night together? *Iseult rolls her eyes and lets an evil grin slip* Must you ask??!!
Most of us probably know whether or not Tasuki returns from Hokkan safe (for those of you who don't..have no fear..I won't spoil anything for you until it's time for the story to end...then the spoilers are gonna pile up kinda high!!!) So, unfortunately, we will not hear from Tasuki for a while...But don't worry, there will be many, many, many more things going on during dear Tasuki's absence!!! Come back and read more soon, OK?!
And thank you all so much for your reviews!! I love to hear your comments on what moves you, upsets you, and makes you think. They encourage me and prove to me that my efforts on this fanfic-turned-novel is worth all the time I have! ^_^
Chapter 20 The Weeping Man
I pay no attention to the rain that is now beating down on me like a waterfall. Desperation drives me to him like lust once did. I can already feel the muscles of my thighs burning as I run in a frenzy toward the direction of the palace. After only another minute or so, my lungs join my muscles in their consuming discomfort. I soon find myself heaving and gasping, but I keep running.
I keep one hand tangled in the hem of my gown, keeping it from dragging in the dirt that is now forming into mud. Tendrils of brown hair come loose from the ribbon tied at the base of my neck and stick to my rain- soaked face. I reach my other hand up and quickly swipe away a stubborn lock from my cheek.
Soon, my thin satin slippers are water-logged and I can no longer run in them without one or both falling off. Finally tiring of having to retrace my steps to recover my shoes, I halt for a moment in the street and kick them off my feet in blind fury. People passing by me, parasols poised over their heads to protect them from the rain, stare at me in interest and amusement; but I pay as much attention to them as I do to the rain.
I begin to run again, suddenly painfully aware of how foolish I appear to passer-bys. My hair and gown soaked through and plastered to my naked body beneath, my feet bare and slowly becoming caked in mud-I must be an odd sight to any who catch a glimpse of me. But all self-conscious thoughts leave my head when I see the southern gates of the palace looming ahead of me.
I do not stop running until I am standing in front of the gates and looking up into the faces of two guards, both staring at me in shock and confusion. I open my mouth to try to speak, but one of the men beats me to it.
"What business do you have here, woman?" he asks me, stepping closer to me and lifting his head high to peer down at me. I do not even reach his chin. I stare at his red chest armor, then back away from him slowly so I do not have to strain my neck to see his face.
"I have need to see Tasuki, a warrior of Suzaku," I state loudly and quickly between deep, tortured breaths, hoping they can sense my utter desperation. But their faces and demeanors are unmoved. The other guard steps forward until he is beside his comrade and looks hard at me.
"No unauthorized person is allowed entrance to the palace, and certainly will have no audience with a warrior of Suzaku!" he barks at me.
I stare up at them, my panic quickly overpowering my self-control. "You don't understand!" I scream, "I must see him! He knows me...ask him!!!"
For a moment, I think they are considering my plea. The larger one glances at the other, but both shake their heads at me firmly. "Like I said before," one replies, "No unauthorized person is allowed inside the palace walls."
"Go get him and bring him out here then!" I scream in their faces, balling my hands into fists at my side. Oh gods, I think, what if I can't get to him. What will I do?
"We will not be ordered around by a street whore!" the smaller guard quickly answers, "Now be gone, woman!" He waves his hand at me like I was a child, but I remain rigid.
"I must see Tasuki!!!" I howl, "Please!!!" I fall on my knees, ready to do anything to get inside. Beg them. Fuck them. Kill them. I'll do anything. I press my palms to the dirty ground and lower my head, begging like the slave I know I am.
"I said leave!" the guard shouts, taking me by the upper arm, lifting me to my feet, and shoving me away from the gates. I stumble and try to remain upright, but the force of his thrust and the soft, unstable state of the ground below my bare feet causes me to lose my balance. I topple over sideways, landing on my hip in the mud. I look around, confused, bewildered, uncertain, and panicked. The desperation still drives me. I must reach him. I must find him somehow! I feel rage begin to burn, and I realize that my battle is far from over. I will see Tasuki. By the name of the gods, I will get to him somehow!
I thrust my hands into the soft ground and push myself back to my feet, my dark eyes focused on the two soldiers before me, chuckling at my ridiculous appearance.
And before I realize what I am doing, I am barreling into the two imperial guards like a crazed bull. I ram my shoulder into the abdomen of the one closest to me, sending him toppling over onto his comrade. Thankfully I surprise them with my sudden move, sending them both tumbling clumsily into the gates. The impact of their heavy bodies makes the monstrous double doors burst open. My own body weight causes me loose my footing and I sail over the men's heads, landing in the soft mud an unbelievable distance away from them. But I come to my senses quickly when I realize that I am inside the gates. Finally. I still have to pause a moment in my own shock at what I just did, but quickly recover when I notice the guards struggling to untangle themselves from each other and get to their feet. I bolt like a mad woman in a random direction, not knowing where I am going. I don't dare look over my shoulder. I just know that I have to get away from the two men and find Tasuki.
I pump my legs hard and throw my entire body into running. I sprint across a courtyard and soon find myself running on the elongated veranda of one of the palace's many wings. My feet echo and vibrate wildly on the smooth wood, and the heavy boots of the guards following me reverberate in my ears, mingling with the storm's thunder and the rhythmic thumping of the rain on the ground and palace rooftops.
I know that if I'm caught, I will be imprisoned, or even executed for daring to enter the palace grounds without permission. But I don't give a fuck. I just know that I have to tell Tasuki what I couldn't before. I have to tell him, even if it costs me my life. I must find him. I must.
I turn a corner and before I can think twice about what I am doing, I grab the handle of a door, fling it open, throw myself inside, and close it. I press my shoulder against the door, holding the inside handle so it doesn't open back up and begin to pray madly to every single god I know of. I hear the guards' footsteps approaching, but they don't even pause at the door. They barrel on, intent on finding me, unaware of my hiding place.
I heave a sigh and sink to my knees, my white-knuckled hand still gripping the door handle.. I'll wait here for a while before going to look for Tasuki again. Maybe the guards will think I fled the palace grounds and call off the search. I have no idea what I will do if I am forced to stay the night here. I know for sure that if I am discovered now, there will be more than enough reason to have me imprisoned--or worse. I breathe deeply and force myself to think about Tasuki. I must find him. I have to tell him. I cannot let him leave tomorrow thinking that I never cared anything for him when in reality he is the only man I have ever cared for.
I feel so exhausted from the night's ordeal. My face is still stinging and aching horribly from my beating earlier. And the hard rain that soaked me during my mad dash for the palace certainly didn't help my wounds at all. I pray that I don't catch cold or fever from the time I spent in the rain. I think about what to do next, never thinking to look over my shoulder, never thinking who might be there.
"Tansho?!" I hear his voice echo inside my head like the thunder booming outside. I stare into the dark wood of the door in front of me, my eyes wide yet blind. My breath heaves in and out of my lungs. My heart pumps madly in my rib cage. It cannot be. It cannot be him.
I turn slowly, thinking the voice was only inside my head, thinking that what I will see behind me is not him but an apparation of him, a ghost in my head.
But it is him. I see his fire red hair first, just as it was when he left me. Then his piercing green eyes that widen when his own doubts as to whether or not it's really me are evaporated. He stares so strangely at me, in a way he has never before looked at me. I cannot even begin to piece together the emotions flowing out of his eyes and into me.
He is sitting on a bed next to the wall. He is naked save for his tan trousers and black boots. His black coat is draped heavily over the back of chair in a corner of the room; and his white undershirt, belt, and golden sheath and fan are heaped in a pile in the chair's seat. I watch as he bends down for a moment to remove his boots from his feet. I must have walked in on him as he was undressing.
As he slides the boots off, his eyes remain locked on mine as if he were afraid that if he looked away for only a moment, I would be gone when he looked back. Only when my body begins to shiver from the wetness of my gown, does he get up and move towards me.
"Tansho," he whispers once he is standing in front of me, "What are you doing here? How did you get in?" He looks down at my trembling form curled on the floor, my fingers still wrapped around the door handle. He looks at me like it is the first time he's seen me in years.
I don't hear anything he has said to me. I don't care about anything but him, his eyes, his hair, the tanned gleam of his naked torso, the way he is looking at me. I don't care about anything else but telling him. I must tell him the truth--the entire truth about me. About everything.
"I love you," I say quietly, staring up at him. And I almost want to cry at how beautiful it sounds. Such small words that control people so fiercely. Such small words that took control of me so easily--as well as him. I am amazed at how their sound makes Tasuki's eyes deepen, like the green undertows of the ocean. And suddenly, he has collapsed on the ground in front of me and I am pressed into him so firmly it feels as if his heart is beating in my own chest. I mold to him so well, as if our bodies were created to connect to each other and no one else.
I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him against me. And he envelopes my entire back with his arms, pulling my body upwards into his, crushing my freezing skin to the warmth of his bare chest. I relish the feel of him against me again. It has been less than an hour, but I have missed the touch of him so badly.
"I'm so sorry, Tasuki," I whisper into his ear, my ragged breath causing his earring to bounce against his neck. "I want to go to Mount Reikaku with you..". I pause to pull away from him so I can talk to his face, but I only cling tighter than before. "I would go with you now if you asked me. If you could leave...if you didn't have your duty to your priestess and the beast god...I would leave with you right now if you asked me."
He pulls away slowly and stares down at me, his eyes burning like his hair. "I would take you...if I could. You know I would never let him or anyone else ever hurt you again. You would be safe with me...you would never have to do what people told you again."
"I know," I answer. "Please forgive me for not telling you before you left. I tried, I wanted to, but I was a coward." I shake my head as if the memory could be dislodged. "Please forgive me for lying to you. For everything I did to you..."
"I do, Tansho," he answers the minute I am quiet again. I am unbelievably moved by his immediate, quiet, simple response, and I cry out my happiness into his shoulder. "I forgive everything, Tansho." He says my name again and again into my ear, whispering it as if he would never tire of it, never be able to speak it again.
And without warning, his body begins to tremble against mine. It is not violent; I can barely feel it. But I do feel it, probably more than he does himself. And I can hear him try to control his sudden sobbing as tears begin to mingle with rain on the shoulder of my gown and in my dark hair. He is weeping. I can feel him and hear him. He is weeping on my account, but I do not know if it because I caused him grief or joy. But the simple fact that he is weeping tells me far more than his words could ever. A man only weeps for people he loves. Whether it be another man, a woman, or a child. This is the only time a true man dares to weep. I learned this long ago with my father, who wept only twice in my memory of him--when my mother passed away, and when I was taken away by Shingen.
I grip Tasuki like he could vanish. And I let his tears soak my hair as I listen to him, his voice mingled with sorrow and unbelievable joy as he repeats my name again and again in a low whisper, not stopping until he stops crying. Only then is he silent, only then does his body become still, and only then does he dare to look at me again.
"I was so afraid that I'd never see you again," he says to me, his voice returning to a whisper, "I love you so much, Tansho. To lose the first woman you ever loved after only just meeting her...I was so afraid I would..."
He doesn't want to let me go. His arms seem to grow tired of being wrapped sercurely around me, but when they begin to loosen, he only tightens them more. I lay my head in the valley between his shoulder and chest and hold onto him, telling him I don't want to let him go either. If we could just die like this, together; and not have to worry about the tavern, Shingen, Hokkan, Suzaku--everything that is trying to keep us apart from each other. Fate cruelly and graciously allows us meet, then begins to rip us apart like two halves of a paper. How goddamned unfair. How malicious.
But I know better than to argue with fate. I will not try to persuade Tasuki not to journey to Hokkan. I know who he is and I know his duty to his priestess and his god. I cannot change any of that, and I will not attempt to. He'll leave tomorrow, and I will remain here in Konan, in the Black Dove. But I will wait for him as long as it takes for him to return to me. Then, he will leave again; but this time it will be a journey home. And I will be walking beside him. Somehow, I will go with him. I don't care about Shingen or even the memories of my old home. As long as I can be with Tasuki, I can be happy.
Yes, he'll leave tomorrow and may never return. I understand this cruel chance. But only fate can decide that as well. But whether or not he returns to me, there is still one more night remaining for us. After everything that has taken place in the duration of our short love affair, there is one night remaining that can give us the peace of mind that we have been denied. And I have one more chance to show him my true love for him. No lies. No pain. Just us. And I know that neither of us will let our last night go to waste.
Words to live by, my dear Tansho--never let the night go to waste!! ^_^ Well, let's see here...quite alot going on, isn't there? And just what does Tansho have in mind for her and Tasuki's possible last night together? *Iseult rolls her eyes and lets an evil grin slip* Must you ask??!!
Most of us probably know whether or not Tasuki returns from Hokkan safe (for those of you who don't..have no fear..I won't spoil anything for you until it's time for the story to end...then the spoilers are gonna pile up kinda high!!!) So, unfortunately, we will not hear from Tasuki for a while...But don't worry, there will be many, many, many more things going on during dear Tasuki's absence!!! Come back and read more soon, OK?!
And thank you all so much for your reviews!! I love to hear your comments on what moves you, upsets you, and makes you think. They encourage me and prove to me that my efforts on this fanfic-turned-novel is worth all the time I have! ^_^