Chapter 10: Past Memories
Emma cried softly for what seemed like hours. Even when no more tears would come, she still lay curled up on her bed, her mind blank. She did not move until about one o'clock in the morning when Jordan stirred and began to cry for his food. The young girl took him from his cot and the two of them crept down the stairs. There was no sound coming from any of the other rooms, the whole house was completely silent.
She got a ready-made bottle of milk from the fridge and heated it in a cup of hot water for a few minutes before taking it back up the stairs. She sat back on her bed and fed her son until he started to go back to sleep. Then she laid him back in his bed with the rest of the bottle and looked around her darkened room, which was lit only by her bedside lamp. Slowly she went over to her desk and stood there for a long moment looking at the photographs stuck to the top of her mirror. There was a picture of the family taken on holiday just before her dad had left them, one of her and her best friend Billy who lived in England, one of her and Jordan and finally a picture of her and Damien…She stood there staring at the camera, a smile on her face that didn't quite reach her eyes. Damien, the tall, muscular, blond-haired rugby player, stood with his arm around her waist, his head half turned towards her as he smiled at her.
He had been her old boyfriend, her first and only real relationship, and Emma missed those old days when everything had been simple. They had first started going out together when she had just turned thirteen. Her family had just moved from England and she was the shy new girl. Damien had been one of the most popular boys in the school, and although he was a year older than her and had a fairly bad reputation, she didn't turn him down when he asked her to a school dance mid-way through the term. After that, they had just kind of stuck together as a couple and although Emma quite enjoyed the attention that she got from being his girlfriend, she didn't feel ready for a relationship and was determined to keep it fairly casual. It had been fine for just over a year, until Damien began hassling her for sex. They loved each other, he had said. Why not do it? She wasn't ready for that step and several of their dates turned into rows as her boyfriend tried to persuade her to go further. They would usually end in her storming off and him ringing her later telling her how sorry he was. She would forgive him and for a few weeks everything was fine. But it never lasted; yet they still stayed together despite the constant arguments.
They had lasted up until and beyond Emma's fifteen birthday, although their relationship was getting rockier by the week as Damien became more controlling and attempted to stop her seeing a lot of her friends. When he went away to Spain for with his family, Emma had found herself feeling relieved that she would at last have some freedom. Three days after he had gone, she had been out clubbing with some friends from school and it had happened. By the time her boyfriend arrived home, she had already known that she was pregnant. When she had told him everything, expecting him to be supportive, he had hit the roof. He refused to believe that she had been raped and accused her of lying to cover up the fact that she had been cheating on him. He had said many nasty things to her, accusing her of being a slut and a liar and of giving it to every man who asked except him. Finally she had been unable to take any more and had fled in tears. He rang her up the next morning to apologize and she had accepted it, had wanted to believe that he really meant what he said. They struggled on for another two months, although Emma could not bring herself to let him touch her or kiss her because it reminded her too much of the attack. Three nights before the court case, she had found him kissing another girl and dumped him on the spot after he had tried to blame his cheating on her.
It had been hard, Emma remembered, as she pulled the photograph from the mirror and screwed it up. For five months she had struggled on alone, torn between desperately missing him and hating herself for feeling that way and wanting to kill him for being such an insensitive idiot and a waste of space. Then Jordan had been born and she had had something else to love, something that loved her in return. But that didn't mean that she had no longer thought of Damien. It had been over eighteen months since they had broken up and she did still think about him quite a lot. Although she didn't want him back any longer, he had still been her first boyfriend and they had had some good times together too.
Slowly she pulled open the top drawer in her desk. This contained two photo albums, personal letters from her friend in England, her diaries dating back from when she was a teenager and a scrapbook that held several newspaper articles concerning the rape and the court case. Although her family had not wanted her to keep them, Emma had insisted. She had not yet read them fully, not even when she was pasting them in, but she knew that one day it could be an important part of her recovery. She didn't want to take anything from the drawer; she just needed to make sure that it was all there. Her behaviour that evening had confirmed that she was still not yet ready to fully cope with what had happened.
She felt like an idiot running away from Kane like that, but his kiss had brought back the unpleasant memories of what had happened during the rape and she hadn't been able to deal with them right then. That was why it had frightened and upset her so much, although she knew that if she was honest with herself, it hadn't been unwelcome. She did like Kane a lot and yet she knew that she had been pushing her feelings away because she was scared and confused. But Kane was a nice guy, Emma thought as she looked at Jordan asleep in his cot, it wouldn't be easy, but maybe it was time to move on.
Deciding that it would be a good idea to sleep on it, Emma got into bed and soon fell asleep, only to be woken by Jordan again an hour or two later…
Jordan woke Emma up again at just past six o'clock and so she was exhausted the next morning. She gave her son his breakfast, although she couldn't face eating herself, accepted her mum's offer to look after him for a few hours, dragged herself back up the stairs and fell asleep again at once. She slept on and off all day, just waking up occasionally to go to the bathroom. She slept right through dinner and woke up feeling reasonably refreshed just as it was about to get dark. Lucy brought her up some tea and toast and a bottle for Jordan, who was playing in his cot, and informed her that Allee had called while she had been asleep.
The following morning, Allee called again and invited Emma to the beach. However, Emma was feeling a bit under the weather, so her friend said that she would come round for a while. She turned up about twenty minutes later and they both went up to her bedroom.
"So what was wrong with you yesterday?" Allee asked. "Things just get too much?"
"Yeah, just exhaustion." Emma agreed. "I didn't sleep well, Jordan kept getting me up. I love being a mother, but it's hard work."
"I bet," Allee agreed. "Almost everyone in the bay are talking about Kane being back. People aren't pleased to see him."
"I know," her friend said wearily. "Could we please not talk about him right now?"
"Of course," Allee agreed. "Is everything all right? He hasn't done anything to hurt you or…?"
"No, nothing like that." Emma quickly shook her head. "He just…tried to kiss me the other night."
"Oh," Allee looked rather triumphant, but still managed to give her friend a hug. "Well, I hate to say it, but I did try to warn you. That's what he's like."
"Okay, you were right about him, I'll admit that," her friend said with a sigh. "Now can we please change the subject? Why don't you tell me about your boyfriend?"
"Well Dylan isn't actually my boyfriend any more," Allee informed her. "We talked yesterday and decided that we've have grown apart recently so we're just going to be good friends from now on. Besides, this guy that I have always had a major crush on is coming back to town and I'd really like to see him again."
"Allee, you are terrible!"
"Here, when you are ready to start dating again, maybe you and Dylan would make a good couple," Allee said with a grin. "He's a nice guy, although his mum is a bit of a bitch, and he is way better than Kane Philips."
"Perhaps," Emma agreed absently. "So tell me about this new boy then."
"His name is Duncan and he is Alf's son," Allee leant back against the wall and smiled. "He's the same age as Seb and he got into a bit of trouble a few months ago and went to live with his aunt. Speaking of which, his bus is due in soon. Fancy a walk down to the bus stop to meet him? I told Alf that I would go because he has some work to finish up."
"I suppose it couldn't hurt," Emma said after a moment. "Just to the bus stop. It might be good for Jordan and I to get out."
The three of them quickly got ready before making their way to the bus stop. They didn't have to wait long until the bus came, holding just one passenger, a tall, good-looking boy who jumped from the bus with a smile on his face.
"Allee!" he greeted, giving the girl a big hug. "How are you? I've missed you!"
"And I've missed you too, Duncan!" Allee returned his hug and then pulled back and waved a hand at Emma. "This is my friend, Emma Alexander, and her son, Jordan. They've just moved here."
"Nice to meet you, Emma," Duncan held out his hand and Emma shook it. "What do you think of Summer Bay so far?"
"I like it," she told him. "It's cool."
"Isn't it just?" he agreed. "I am so glad to be back. My aunt can be okay in small doses, but she is hell to live with."
"Rather you than me," Allee laughed and Emma gave a smile. "Want to go to the Diner and get a soda?"
"Yeah, that would be great," Duncan told her. "You can fill me in on everything that has been happening recently."
"I sure will," Allee smiled at him and he smiled back. "Are you coming with us, Emma?"
"No, I think I'll get back," she told them, sensing that her friend probably wanted to be alone with Duncan. "Thanks anyway. I'll see you both later."
"It was nice meeting you Emma," Duncan waved. "I'll see you around."
At home, Emma found Lucy, Kirsty and Jade sitting around the kitchen table playing cards, while Jess was washing up.
"Hey Em," Lucy glanced up and smiled when she saw her older sister. "You're just in time. Jess has made cookies and some cakes for us."
"Where's mum?" Emma asked, as she slid into the chair opposite Kirsty.
"Gone down to the Drop-in centre with Shelley," Jess told her. "That's why Kirsty and Jade are around here, so I can keep an eye on them."
"Being grounded is just so boring," Kirsty complained. "Especially since it is the summer and I've heard that my old boyfriend is back. But I haven't had a chance to see him because Jade and I can't go anywhere without our parents. Still, at least this torture ends tomorrow."
"And the first thing we are going to do is go to the beach," Jade said at once. "You'll be there, won't you Lucy?"
"Definitely!" the youngest girl agreed. "I'll be down there right after breakfast!"
Emma and Jess looked at each other and shook their heads, while Jordan made a grab for the cards and sent them all flying across the table. The three younger girls looked dumbfounded for a moment and then started laughing.
"Can I have him for a minute?" Jade asked, holding out her arms. "He is such an adorable baby."
"I know," Emma smiled and handed him to the young girl. Jordan grabbed hold of her hair and giggled as she gave a surprised yelp. "Jordy," she warned, gently reaching over and taking hold of his hand. "Be nice."
"So then," Jessica took two trays from the oven and placed them on the kitchen side. "Who wants to help me to ice these cookies?"
"I do!" Kirsty and Lucy pushed back their chairs and hurried over to where Jess stood with the icing sugar, the various colourings and the several pots of decorations around her. Jade looked at Emma.
"You can go and help if you like," she told the older girl. "I'll look after little Jordy for a little while."
"Are you sure?" Emma asked. She had always liked helping Jess with baking, but Jordan was her responsibility and he came first. But Jade just nodded.
"Yes," she said firmly. "Honestly, I'd like to."
Emma didn't protest and just gave her Jordan's bottle before going over to join the others. For the next fifteen minutes, they had fun decorating the cookies, although Emma glanced over at the table ever so often to make sure that her son was all right. When they were done, Jess put a few on a plate for them to share and gave them a few of the cakes too. Jordan had a little bit of cake and a cookie and then they all watched a video until Susan got home. It was a good afternoon and Emma briefly forgot everything that had previously been on her mind.
That evening, she took the dogs out just a little earlier. Benny had asked her if it was such a good idea to take them out after she had been so tired the night before, but her mum and Jess had agreed that it would be good for her to get some fresh air and Emma was relieved since she had her own reasons for wanting to go out that evening…
She had walked along the beach for almost half an hour without seeing Kane, and was just about ready to give up when she caught sight of him sitting under the jetty, staring out across the ocean. Quietly, her feet not making a sound on the sand, she crept over to him and she was almost by his side before he noticed her.
"Emma!" he sounded very surprised to see her. "I wasn't sure that you would be here. I…" he hesitated for just a second before hurrying on, stumbling over his words in an attempt to get them out. "I'm really sorry about the other night. I wasn't trying to be pushy, it's just that I really like you and I thought that you felt the same way about me. When you ran off like that, I really thought that you would never want to speak to me again and I was really mad at myself for upsetting you. You're one of the few people I've known in my life who I can really talk to and I don't want to ruin that. Can we forget about the other night and still be friends? I…"
He broke off when Emma quickly leant over and kissed him on the mouth. As she drew back and looked at him, he appeared to be temporary speechless.
"I do have feelings for you, Kane," she admitted quietly. "I guess that they have been growing for a while, but I tried to push them away because I was scared and confused by them. I…I was raped, Kane, about two years ago. It was my first sexual experience of any kind and it was when I…I conceived Jordan. My only serious relationship ended just a couple of months later because every time my boyfriend touched me or kissed me, it reminded me of what that man forced me to do…I haven't been able to let a man touch me since, it makes me feel sick and scared and…"
She broke off and began to cry. Kane immediately wrapped his arms around her and held her close.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I…I didn't know. You should have told me…"
"I couldn't," Emma sobbed into his shoulder. "I wanted too, but it's just so difficult to talk about."
"I can imagine." Kane gently brought his hand up and began to stroke her hair. Emma tensed at first, but she soon relaxed and was able to enjoy the feelings that being near to him evoked in her. They stayed like that for what seemed like forever, until Emma had stopped crying and was feeling calmer.
"Thank you, Kane," she said quietly. "I'm sorry about that. It was just…"
"There's nothing to be sorry for," he said at once. "It must have been a traumatic experience for you and I'm glad that you told me about it." Gently he tilted her head and moved in so that he could kiss her. At first his kiss was soft and almost hesitant, but when Emma responded, it became deeper and more passionate. While they were kissing, Kane gently began to stroke her hair again and she brought one of her hands up to touch his face. Finally they had to break apart for air, although they still sat nestled in each other's arms, looking out over the sea.