Sorry it's taken a while for me to get this up, I have been working on it but I've also been getting side-tracked with other stories. However, never fear, it might take me a while to get the chapters up but I will keep going with this. Thanks to Caz, Billy, Louisea and I Love Music for the nice reviews, it means a lot to know that people like this and want to read more. Thanks also to Risty for reading through it and giving me suggestions.

Warning: This chapter contains talk of rape and some scenes can be considered rather disturbing. I think it's still within the PG-13 guidelines, but please proceed with caution.

Chapter 18: Facing the Past

The following afternoon, Kane and Emma found themselves sitting in a small room with Flynn. The teenagers were seated on a sofa together while the counsellor sat opposite them in a small armchair. Kane stared at the wall and Emma looked down at the floor while Flynn looked through her notes. For a while there was complete silence.

"Before we start, I wanted to ask you a question," Flynn started, finally putting the file aside and looking up. "Have you ever heard of PTSD? It stands for-"

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." Emma finished. "I've heard of it, yes. The doctors mentioned it to me a few times while I was in hospital, but they didn't really explain it."

"It is a normal emotional and psychological reaction to trauma; a painful, shocking, experience, such as rape, that is outside of a person's normal life experiences." Flynn explained. "Symptoms can include anxiety, feeling guilty over what happened, suffering from nightmares or overwhelming emotions or having difficulty sleeping. Any or all of them are common in rape victims. Survivors may also suffer from depression, blame themselves or become suicidal, like you are right now."

"Yes," Emma smiled weakly. "I see. It makes more sense now." Beside her, Kane nodded too.

"What is important to remember is that recovery takes time," Flynn told them next. "It generally happens in stages and it's important to remember that sometimes people start with one stage, go onto another and then go back. Each person processes the events in their own way and some people take longer to recover than others. There are no hard or fast rules, or a set time for recovery. We'll just talk through what happened and how you feel and take it from there."

"May I ask a question?" Kane leant forward slightly. "Can you tell us about some of the stages?"

"I can indeed," the counsellor agreed. "One of the earlier stages is denial that the rape had any effect on the survivor's life. I think we've already gotten past that one. Then there's the fear that it will happen again, feeling sad because they've lost their ability to trust people, anger and anxiety."

"Sounds exactly like how I feel at times," Emma smiled faintly, sadly. "Not always though, some days I can almost forget about it, I can look after Jordan, go out with friends, do normal things and often I barely think about it. But it is always there in the back of my mind and sometimes things happen to make it surface. Like the first time Kane ever touched me and when he kissed me on the beach that night. In the past, when men have tried to talk to me and when I read articles or…or hear about other people being attacked, I remember too. Not to mention the nightmares…I want to put it behind me once and for all."

"And that is what we'll do," Flynn promised. "But it is going to take time and I can't pretend that it will be easy. You'll have to talk about what happened and it'll bring back a lot of unpleasant memories. The most important thing is to talk, to cry, do whatever you need to get it out."

"Very well," her voice was determined. "I'm ready. Where shall I start?"

"Wherever you want. If you feel able, you can tell us what happened. But only as much as you want to, going over it again can be very painful."

"I was fifteen," she started. "I'd been with my boyfriend, Damien for almost two years, but the relationship wasn't working out. He was…" she broke off and glanced briefly at Kane before looking back to Flynn, "getting very pushy. He wanted us to sleep together but I wasn't ready for that step. He was very jealous too, he was trying to control me and stop me seeing my friends. I would have left him, but he was my first boyfriend and I cared about him…I thought that he would change." She paused for a moment and neither man spoke, knowing that she was caught up in the memories of the past.

"He went away with his family to visit relatives in Spain," she continued finally. "And I was relieved because it meant that I could have my freedom back for a while. I didn't…didn't want to go with anyone else, I just wanted to go out and enjoy myself without him asking questions and everything. So a few days after he left, I went out to a nightclub with a few girls I knew from school. I was dressed up a little, a long black skirt and a top, nothing outrageous, just slightly different from what I usually wear. We were dancing and I had one or two drinks, nothing with alcohol though because I wanted to keep a clear head. Then Steven approached us, he was a friend of Benny's and I knew him because he'd been to the house once or twice to see my brother. So I talked to him for a few minutes and then he asked me to dance. I agreed and we danced for a few minutes, but then I started getting a little panicky because of all the people, so he said he would take me outside for some air. Just opposite the club there was this little abandoned wooden shack and he took me in there, where no one could see us…" She paused once again and Flynn asked if she would like a glass of water. She nodded and he left the room for a moment, returning with a glass. Emma took a few sips and placed the glass on the table before continuing.

"We had only been in there a few minutes when he started telling me how beautiful I was and touching my leg," she went on hesitantly. "I moved away from him and told him that I wasn't interested, but then he got really angry. He just came at me and knocked me to the floor, using his body to keep me held down. I tried to fight, I really did, but he was a lot bigger than me and stronger; he lifted weights daily and I was just a little schoolgirl. I didn't stand a chance. He started kissing me and his hands were everywhere, all over, he ripped my top off and I started struggling again and screaming so he hit me in the face and told me to shut up or he would kill me. Then…then he raped me, really forcefully, I still remember the pain. He raped me twice and made me…made me do other things to him too. I did everything he asked because I was…really scared. But I did dig my fingernails into his skin hard enough to draw blood, he hit me again for that but it helped to get him put away in the end. The pain lasted weeks though and it hurt, it hurt so badly!" She could no longer hold the tears back any longer and suddenly her cheeks were wet with them. "I remember crying and I begged him to stop, but he just laughed and said I wanted it. He kept saying it over and over again, that I was a whore and I wanted it. And at the trial, his lawyer said the same thing. That I was asking for it because I had been dressed up and because I'd willingly gone outside with him…"

"You didn't ask for it!" Kane said fiercely, although he sounded shocked and upset too. "I know I can't exactly condemn it, but that man was a complete monster to do that to you and you did nothing to deserve it. Did she, Flynn?"

"No!" Flynn said at once. "Absolutely not! But I can understand how difficult it is to believe that, especially when people say differently. But you said no and you are not responsible for his actions."

"What makes it even harder is the fact that its been coming back to haunt me recently," she told them through her tears. "Like when I found out…" Here she hesitated a moment and glanced at Kane out of the corner of her eye. "Like when I found out about what Kane did to Dani." Her boyfriend tensed visibly and Flynn noticed.

"Would you like to go and get some fresh air?" he asked. "You don't have to stay if you don't want to. I'm sure that Emma won't mind…"

"No!" Kane interrupted. "Thanks, but I want to stay. This needs to be talked about, our feelings put in the open. And if it helps Emma then it's a good thing."

"When I found out, there were so many different emotions going through my head," Emma reached for his hand and squeezed it gently, turning so that she was facing him. "I felt angry, at myself for having trusted you and at you for lying to me, I felt upset because you'd lied and let me believe that you were something you weren't and I felt guilty, because although I hated you, a part of me still loved you. And that was really difficult for me because I know exactly what Dani must have gone through after you…raped her. I felt dirty, guilty and ashamed because I believed that I'd asked for it, frightened about what else he might do to me. It was months before I could go out alone again, I couldn't bear to have anyone near me and every time I closed my eyes, I was haunted by the image of his face. I hate the man who did this to me; I hate him for taking away my freedom, my confidence, for destroying my relationship and for making me live in fear. I've never hated anyone as much as I hate him and no matter what happens, I will never forgive him. And Dani must have felt the same way too. I felt so guilty knowing that I was in love with the man who had put her through so much pain."

"I know!" There were tears in Kane's eyes now too. "And seeing you like this, I can see now how much my actions must have hurt Dani and I'm so sorry. I'd give anything to be able to go back and do things differently."

"After he was sentenced," Emma continued, "there were long articles about it in the newspaper, about how he was a good man, he'd just had a lapse of judgement because a pretty girl had led him on, he'd misread the signals. Since I've learnt what you did to Dani, I've found myself thinking about him, wondering if he is sorry. And then I wonder what it would be like if he turned up here and said he was sorry and that he wanted to put all of that behind him and start a new life. I think I'd spit in his face and tell him that I never wanted him anywhere near me again, that I could never forgive him. And I'd mean every word. Dani is a lot braver than I am."

"Dani's case was a little different," Flynn said patiently. "That's not to say that what Kane did wasn't terrible, I think we all accept and understand that it was. And rape is always an awful crime. But you were attacked far more violently and more than once, not to mention that you then had to deal with the traumatic experience of discovering that you were pregnant…"

"That was all pretty bad," she agreed, her voice trembling. "And then my boyfriend didn't believe me. Two years we were together and even he accused me of leading the man on. I think I could have handled anything if only he had believed me. And then he went off with another girl, because I couldn't bear to have him near me, I wouldn't let him touch me! He was such a bastard, treating me like that! First my father runs out on us, then I was raped, then my boyfriend calls me a whore and leaves me! Why do all men treat me so badly?"

"I don't know!" Kane turned to her, concern in his eyes as he reached for her. "But we aren't all bad. Benny's never hurt you, has he? And I would never do anything to hurt you either…"

"Don't touch me!" The minute his hand brushed her shoulder, Emma flinched away, sobbing. "Just don't touch me!"

"But Emma…" Seeing her in so much pain made Kane feel like his heart was being torn out through his chest. "Baby, listen to me. It's all right. I'm here for you, I…"

"Leave her for a minute, Kane," Flynn said calmly. "Talking about such traumatic events is bound to bring back a lot of unpleasant memories and she is in a highly emotional state. It's understandable that being touched brings back memories. Dani had a similar problem too; it's incredibly common with rape victims. Just give her a couple of minutes and she'll be fine."

"He's right," Emma said finally, sitting back and wiping her eyes. Although she still sniffed occasionally, she seemed a lot calmer and both Flynn and Kane could see that her brief crying fit had done her some good. "I'm fine now, Kane. I just…needed that. It's hard, bringing all this to the surface again."

"I know," Flynn nodded. "It's tough, but eventually it'll help you feel better. Maybe we've done enough for today, you should go home and get some rest. We can talk more during our next session."

"Fine," the teenager agreed, her voice more than a little shaky. She looked pale too and she was gripping the arms of the chair hard. "Can I…can I please call Benny and ask him to come and get me?"

"There's no need for that." Kane leant forward slightly although he didn't try and touch her again. "I can walk you home."

"I'd rather…" she hesitated and glanced at him briefly, not wanting to hurt him but knowing that her words probably would. "I'd rather call Benny, if you don't mind. I really need some time to myself just now, Kane. To get my head straight after today. I'm sorry but I can't…can't be around you just now."

"Very well." He was hurt but he did his best to hide it, understanding why she felt like she did. "I'll go then if that is what you want. But please remember that I love you and I'll be around if you need me."

"I love you too," Emma said at once. "Thank you for being understanding. I'll call you in a day or so."

"All right, babe." As he got up, she managed to give his hand a faint squeeze. "I'll talk to you later. You take care of yourself and please let me know if you need anything."

She nodded and Kane smiled briefly at her, nodded once to Flynn and then left, shutting the door softly behind him. There was silence after he had left; Emma sat looking down at her lap.

"I upset him," she said softly, more to herself than Flynn. "But I couldn't help it. To have him around brings things back…I think I need to go home."

"That's a good idea." Flynn patted her shoulder as she stood up and moved over to the desk. "This has been hard for you, but go home and get some rest now and hopefully you'll feel a little better tomorrow. It's difficult right now, for you and for Kane, but things will get easier in time."

"I know," Emma dialled her older brother's number, knowing that he would probably just be finishing work and would be more than willing to stop by the Drop-In centre on his way home. "I did expect it to be this hard, but it's just something I've got to do. I've got to learn to put the past behind me if I want to move on and I really do…" she broke off as Benny picked up the phone and quickly said a few words to him, before hanging up. "He said he'll be here in five minutes," she told her counsellor. "Thanks for today, Flynn, and I'll see you next time. Hopefully we'll be able…able to make some more progress. I just want to get all of this over with as soon as possible…"

Next chapter: After receiving bad news from Alf, Kane finds comfort in an unlikely place as he struggles to cope with recent events and Lucy causes her family more trouble when she finds herself a new friend…