Disclaimer: I don't own shit, but you all knew that a long time ago,
huh?
A/N: Ok, well, I'm laying off the angst in this chapter; I thought you guys could use a break. ^_^ I'm updating so soon because I'm leaving tomorrow for Wyoming for vacation and won't be able to update for a really really really long time (sorry, but I thought I'd let all of you know. ^_^) So, to make up for it, I decided to update before leaving! Enjoy! ^_^
Chapter 37
The Longing
Leaving sleep has always been such an odd sensation. I can feel myself lingering on in unconsciousness, sometimes clinging stubbornly to a dream I was having, not wanting to be thrust back into the world of reality. I feel stretched between here and there, not wanting to leave one place to go to another. I burn and shiver. I smile and weep. It all depends on what happened inside my sleeping mind and what waits for me once I am awake. Because the dream world has always been a sanctuary (and no one wishes to ever leave the comforting safety of a sanctuary), but reality is inescapable.
And I know this. I drag my eyelids open, then close them again to drive away the blurriness of my awakening eyes. I find that I am resting in my bed rather than on the floor where I last remember myself being, and I see nothing but an empty room surrounding me. A small oil lamp is burning at my bedside, and the curtains of my windows are drawn open to reveal black nothingness outside. To my great surprise, I see that it is nighttime. I hadn't expected my sleep to last the entire day. Or perhaps two or three days have elapsed. Perhaps I am awakening after years of lying motionless in my bed, waiting for myself to finally grow tired of the dreamland inside of my mind.
I shift from my back onto my side and suddenly feel the familiar, uncomfortable sensation of fresh cotton packed between my thighs to collect menstrual blood. I feel soft, clean linen under my sleep-relaxed body. And then I see it in my mind's eye all over again. Nothing but blood. And the scent of blood. The color of it. The slick feel of it on my skin. I remember waking in a pool of it, a pool of myself that had spilled from me sometime during the night. I remember my mind slipping away. I remember the sound of my voice rising to the ceiling, bellowing, screeching, howling like a maddened animal. The sound of a destroyed woman. The sound of pure sorrow. Hate. Anger. Mourning. Devastation. I heard it all in my screams, and I saw it all in my blood. Love. Happiness. Tranquility. Wholeness. I saw everything that I had hoped for in my life soaked into my linens and streaming down my bare legs. I lost it all with only one thing. One thing that I couldn't even see stripped me of myself when it was flushed from me.
I begin to weep as I think of it again.
My child. Our child.
How sad that I only now find the courage to acknowledge what Tasuki truly gave to me. Only now-after it is no longer with me. And how sorrowfully ironic that it was my own body and not a cup of Dang Gui tea that caused me to flush my gift from myself.
Soon, my soft weeping has turned into the wild, mindless, tortured laments of a woman who has been so brutally ravaged that she can no longer bear the weight of sadness.
The days go on as if nothing ever happened. I wonder in my mind who it was that lifted me from the floor of my bedroom and laid me in my bed, cleaned me, and placed the cotton between my legs to collect the blood; but I never ask. None of the women show any sign that they were the one. They speak to me and treat me just as they always have. I receive no condolences from them, and I actually feel somewhat grateful for that. I suppose it would feel too much like pity coming from their mouths, seeing as they have become indifferent to terminating a pregnancy from so many years of being forced to do it.
And so I believe it must have been my dear Mayonaka who found me and tended to me. But I am not entirely sure, so I never make a trip to her home to thank her. Instead, I burry myself in the Black Dove.
As the days go buy, turning into weeks, I block all thoughts of my lost child from my mind, intent on surviving until I see Tasuki again. I know that if I allow myself to linger on what has been lost, I will fall apart before I ever see him again. I begin to sleep with my customers more willingly than ever before. And soon, I realize that I have learned to enjoy it once again, but only if I make myself believe that their hands belong to Tasuki. I listen to them speak to me, gasp, and sigh into my ear, and I make their voices shift into the smooth, accented tone of my old lover. And when my body is pressed to theirs, I pretend that it is Tasuki, and not a client that I am making love to. And I begin to crave the men I once was appalled by.
My productiveness certainly keeps Shingen off my back and out of my face. For the first time since the imperial decree was read before him, his face softens when he catches sight of me. He praises me and rewards me. Soon, my bedroom is filled with his gifts-new silk gowns and sashes, jade necklaces, ruby earrings, pearl bracelets, and thirty extra gold coins a week to use however I wish in the markets. I allow myself to revel in my gifts, and even more so in my renewed popularity with my clients.
They flock to me again, just as they did before Tasuki came. They ask for me, they beg for me, and soon Shingen must begin scheduling my clients. I receive no one who does not have an appointment with me. My charge by the hour rises nearly half of what it was while I was having my affair with Tasuki. I no longer have time to work the tavern floor to serve food or sake to our customers; I spend most of my afternoons and nights in the apartments at the end of the balcony with my clients. I return to my private room in the mornings to eat and rest.
To my great surprise and relief, the other women seem more grateful than angry at how my popularity has risen. It doesn't take me long to realize why, though. Many of their own regular clients have left them for appointments with me, and most of their days and nights are at their leisure, while mine, however, are filled with my men and the money I collect form their purses.
And I don't care. I suppose they deserve to be free of their men for a while; they have, as a matter of fact, been working the rooms of the Black Dove far longer than I have.
I allow myself to blindly drown in the attention I am now receiving after many weeks of desperately trying to remain faithful to one man. But all the while I am happily spending time with my many clients, I am thinking of only him. I relish the comforting weight of the scarlet pendant around my neck and the inquisitive looks it gets from my clients when they see it resting between my naked breasts. And every time I feel the gentle tapping of the red and blue earrings on my neck when I am rocking madly on top of one of my men, I see his face in my mind's eye-his tantalizing little fangs, his blazing red hair that falls into his dark green and gold eyes. And when I cry out breathlessly, my client thinks that it is for him.
When I see the fire burning in the hearth, I see him. I am constantly craning my neck to see over the rooftops of the city, trying to catch a glimpse of the blue shimmer of the sea. I spend every extra moment of my time watching the waves of the ocean, searching for the billowing white sails of a ship. I spend hours running my fingers over the smooth, dark wood of the little wooden box that sits next to my bed.
But another month passes, and he still has not returned. The city rejoices briefly when the announcement is made that the emperor is to take a wife, and that Konan is at last to have an empress. I join the thousands of others in the streets of the capital to celebrate the imperial wedding, and allow myself a few hours of happiness at the wonderful news. A gentle, steady man such as the emperor should find love and comfort in the presence of a woman he loves and who loves him in return. I offer prayers of joy and prosperity to the emperor and the new empress at the temples and shrines of Suzaku. And when everyone else has left, I touch my forehead to the ground in front of the golden statue of the phoenix god and send my prayers for Tasuki as well, my tears dripping onto the red tiled floor.
I keep my faith as strong as it will allow. I continue to work, my mind well-trained at blocking out the face, smell, and feel of my clients and replacing them with Tasuki. It disturbs me at times when I think of this, but I realize that it is for the best, even if it seems strange and unnatural.
Tokizo comes to see me one day, and I realize that it has been nearly three weeks since I last saw him. When I see his gleaming crimson armor in the sun, I realize that I have missed his visits greatly. I greet him with an embrace and a warm smile.
"Miss Tansho!" he exclaims, "It is good to see you again. Are you well?"
I am pleased that he is equally excited to see me as I am to see him. "Yes," I half-lie, "I have been wonderful! And you? How is the empress? Is she and His Highness doing well?"
"I have been well, and so has Her Highness, Empress Hoki, and His Highness the emperor. The palace has taken on a new life now that My Lady has stolen the emperor's heart" he answers. I am overjoyed to hear that the royal couple is enjoying their newly married life. But Tokizo's bright demeanor suddenly darkens, and I see the light in his eyes dim.
"Tokizo, dear, are you unwell?" I ask, concerned at his strange shift of appearance.
"Ah, me." he shakes his head, and looks me in the eye. "I must ask your forgiveness for my long absence. I meant to send another soldier in my stead when I was called to his Highness's service early this month."
His tone changes immediately. Instead of his usual optimistic, mirthful voice, I hear anxiety, fatigue, and dread buried in his words. His behavior shows it as well; he leans on the banister of the veranda for support and his shoulders are slumped slightly forward, making him appear worn and sorrowful.
"Tokizo?" I reply quietly, "Is something wrong with His Highness? Is everything not well at the palace?" My heart stops and my mind flashes before I have a chance to stop it from bringing his image into my thoughts. Tasuki. Has something happened to him or the other warriors? The priestess? I lift my eyes to Tokizo's, and beg him. "Tokizo.what has happened?"
"Kutou." Tokizo relies slowly, "Is planning to attack us. They have divisions posted on our eastern borders, waiting for command from their emperor. That is why I have been unable to visit you as I should. His Highness promoted me from palace guard to imperial spy. I have been on the eastern borders tracking the movements of the enemy and sending word back to the emperor of everything that occurs. He made the decision yesterday to begin mass assembly of the army. They begin movement to the eastern border in a week."
This news is certainly not what I expected. My face must reveal my shock, for Tokizo quickly attempts to ease my worry.
"There is nothing to fear, though, Miss Tansho. His Highness intends not to allow the enemy forces to penetrate past the eastern border. They will never reach the walls of Eiyo."
I soon find I could care less about Kutou's army, the capital, or myself. My mind's barrier has been shattered, and all I can see is him. I stare past Tokizo into the bustling crowds of people who hurry through the city streets, and all I can see is him. Everywhere. All around me. The smell of his skin. The soft sensation of his fire-red hair on my cheeks. The touch of his hand on the small of my back, running along my arms, over my lips. I see his golden green eyes shining in the mid-day sun. I see his crooked smile. The sheen of his steel fan strapped to his back. The glittering red and blue beads of his earrings. I see him looking at me, and I wonder what he can see as I look back at him.
But I don't have enough time to discern the look in his eyes, because tears are leaking from mine. I give a hasty goodbye to Tokizo, silently asking his forgiveness for my behavior, and I retreat into the darkness of the tavern.
I can't allow myself to keep seeing him, to keep wondering if he's still alive, to keep wondering if he still remembers me. To keep wondering if he is coming back from me. I can't look at him. I can't see him looking at me.
Because I am ashamed. Even though I did what I did with my clients out of love for him, I still know that I should be his. Only his. And the most horrible thing is that I know I can't. Not yet, at least. Not until he comes back and takes me away from here.
A/N: As you can see, I've laid off the angst for once, though I'm afraid this chapter still had a tinge of unhappiness to it. But I promise with all my heart that things will get better soon!! ^_^ Oh, and in case any of you are wondering what in the hell Eiyo is, it's the name of the Konan capital (I don't think I ever heard it during the anime series, but I read about it on the back of a collectable card with Hotohori's pic on it ^_^) Like I mentioned in my earlier A/N, I'm leaving tomorrow for Wyoming and won't be able to update until perhaps the 14th or 15th of July. Sorry! ^_^
P.S. Thanks to all of you who left reviews for me!! They encourage me so much!
A/N: Ok, well, I'm laying off the angst in this chapter; I thought you guys could use a break. ^_^ I'm updating so soon because I'm leaving tomorrow for Wyoming for vacation and won't be able to update for a really really really long time (sorry, but I thought I'd let all of you know. ^_^) So, to make up for it, I decided to update before leaving! Enjoy! ^_^
Chapter 37
The Longing
Leaving sleep has always been such an odd sensation. I can feel myself lingering on in unconsciousness, sometimes clinging stubbornly to a dream I was having, not wanting to be thrust back into the world of reality. I feel stretched between here and there, not wanting to leave one place to go to another. I burn and shiver. I smile and weep. It all depends on what happened inside my sleeping mind and what waits for me once I am awake. Because the dream world has always been a sanctuary (and no one wishes to ever leave the comforting safety of a sanctuary), but reality is inescapable.
And I know this. I drag my eyelids open, then close them again to drive away the blurriness of my awakening eyes. I find that I am resting in my bed rather than on the floor where I last remember myself being, and I see nothing but an empty room surrounding me. A small oil lamp is burning at my bedside, and the curtains of my windows are drawn open to reveal black nothingness outside. To my great surprise, I see that it is nighttime. I hadn't expected my sleep to last the entire day. Or perhaps two or three days have elapsed. Perhaps I am awakening after years of lying motionless in my bed, waiting for myself to finally grow tired of the dreamland inside of my mind.
I shift from my back onto my side and suddenly feel the familiar, uncomfortable sensation of fresh cotton packed between my thighs to collect menstrual blood. I feel soft, clean linen under my sleep-relaxed body. And then I see it in my mind's eye all over again. Nothing but blood. And the scent of blood. The color of it. The slick feel of it on my skin. I remember waking in a pool of it, a pool of myself that had spilled from me sometime during the night. I remember my mind slipping away. I remember the sound of my voice rising to the ceiling, bellowing, screeching, howling like a maddened animal. The sound of a destroyed woman. The sound of pure sorrow. Hate. Anger. Mourning. Devastation. I heard it all in my screams, and I saw it all in my blood. Love. Happiness. Tranquility. Wholeness. I saw everything that I had hoped for in my life soaked into my linens and streaming down my bare legs. I lost it all with only one thing. One thing that I couldn't even see stripped me of myself when it was flushed from me.
I begin to weep as I think of it again.
My child. Our child.
How sad that I only now find the courage to acknowledge what Tasuki truly gave to me. Only now-after it is no longer with me. And how sorrowfully ironic that it was my own body and not a cup of Dang Gui tea that caused me to flush my gift from myself.
Soon, my soft weeping has turned into the wild, mindless, tortured laments of a woman who has been so brutally ravaged that she can no longer bear the weight of sadness.
The days go on as if nothing ever happened. I wonder in my mind who it was that lifted me from the floor of my bedroom and laid me in my bed, cleaned me, and placed the cotton between my legs to collect the blood; but I never ask. None of the women show any sign that they were the one. They speak to me and treat me just as they always have. I receive no condolences from them, and I actually feel somewhat grateful for that. I suppose it would feel too much like pity coming from their mouths, seeing as they have become indifferent to terminating a pregnancy from so many years of being forced to do it.
And so I believe it must have been my dear Mayonaka who found me and tended to me. But I am not entirely sure, so I never make a trip to her home to thank her. Instead, I burry myself in the Black Dove.
As the days go buy, turning into weeks, I block all thoughts of my lost child from my mind, intent on surviving until I see Tasuki again. I know that if I allow myself to linger on what has been lost, I will fall apart before I ever see him again. I begin to sleep with my customers more willingly than ever before. And soon, I realize that I have learned to enjoy it once again, but only if I make myself believe that their hands belong to Tasuki. I listen to them speak to me, gasp, and sigh into my ear, and I make their voices shift into the smooth, accented tone of my old lover. And when my body is pressed to theirs, I pretend that it is Tasuki, and not a client that I am making love to. And I begin to crave the men I once was appalled by.
My productiveness certainly keeps Shingen off my back and out of my face. For the first time since the imperial decree was read before him, his face softens when he catches sight of me. He praises me and rewards me. Soon, my bedroom is filled with his gifts-new silk gowns and sashes, jade necklaces, ruby earrings, pearl bracelets, and thirty extra gold coins a week to use however I wish in the markets. I allow myself to revel in my gifts, and even more so in my renewed popularity with my clients.
They flock to me again, just as they did before Tasuki came. They ask for me, they beg for me, and soon Shingen must begin scheduling my clients. I receive no one who does not have an appointment with me. My charge by the hour rises nearly half of what it was while I was having my affair with Tasuki. I no longer have time to work the tavern floor to serve food or sake to our customers; I spend most of my afternoons and nights in the apartments at the end of the balcony with my clients. I return to my private room in the mornings to eat and rest.
To my great surprise and relief, the other women seem more grateful than angry at how my popularity has risen. It doesn't take me long to realize why, though. Many of their own regular clients have left them for appointments with me, and most of their days and nights are at their leisure, while mine, however, are filled with my men and the money I collect form their purses.
And I don't care. I suppose they deserve to be free of their men for a while; they have, as a matter of fact, been working the rooms of the Black Dove far longer than I have.
I allow myself to blindly drown in the attention I am now receiving after many weeks of desperately trying to remain faithful to one man. But all the while I am happily spending time with my many clients, I am thinking of only him. I relish the comforting weight of the scarlet pendant around my neck and the inquisitive looks it gets from my clients when they see it resting between my naked breasts. And every time I feel the gentle tapping of the red and blue earrings on my neck when I am rocking madly on top of one of my men, I see his face in my mind's eye-his tantalizing little fangs, his blazing red hair that falls into his dark green and gold eyes. And when I cry out breathlessly, my client thinks that it is for him.
When I see the fire burning in the hearth, I see him. I am constantly craning my neck to see over the rooftops of the city, trying to catch a glimpse of the blue shimmer of the sea. I spend every extra moment of my time watching the waves of the ocean, searching for the billowing white sails of a ship. I spend hours running my fingers over the smooth, dark wood of the little wooden box that sits next to my bed.
But another month passes, and he still has not returned. The city rejoices briefly when the announcement is made that the emperor is to take a wife, and that Konan is at last to have an empress. I join the thousands of others in the streets of the capital to celebrate the imperial wedding, and allow myself a few hours of happiness at the wonderful news. A gentle, steady man such as the emperor should find love and comfort in the presence of a woman he loves and who loves him in return. I offer prayers of joy and prosperity to the emperor and the new empress at the temples and shrines of Suzaku. And when everyone else has left, I touch my forehead to the ground in front of the golden statue of the phoenix god and send my prayers for Tasuki as well, my tears dripping onto the red tiled floor.
I keep my faith as strong as it will allow. I continue to work, my mind well-trained at blocking out the face, smell, and feel of my clients and replacing them with Tasuki. It disturbs me at times when I think of this, but I realize that it is for the best, even if it seems strange and unnatural.
Tokizo comes to see me one day, and I realize that it has been nearly three weeks since I last saw him. When I see his gleaming crimson armor in the sun, I realize that I have missed his visits greatly. I greet him with an embrace and a warm smile.
"Miss Tansho!" he exclaims, "It is good to see you again. Are you well?"
I am pleased that he is equally excited to see me as I am to see him. "Yes," I half-lie, "I have been wonderful! And you? How is the empress? Is she and His Highness doing well?"
"I have been well, and so has Her Highness, Empress Hoki, and His Highness the emperor. The palace has taken on a new life now that My Lady has stolen the emperor's heart" he answers. I am overjoyed to hear that the royal couple is enjoying their newly married life. But Tokizo's bright demeanor suddenly darkens, and I see the light in his eyes dim.
"Tokizo, dear, are you unwell?" I ask, concerned at his strange shift of appearance.
"Ah, me." he shakes his head, and looks me in the eye. "I must ask your forgiveness for my long absence. I meant to send another soldier in my stead when I was called to his Highness's service early this month."
His tone changes immediately. Instead of his usual optimistic, mirthful voice, I hear anxiety, fatigue, and dread buried in his words. His behavior shows it as well; he leans on the banister of the veranda for support and his shoulders are slumped slightly forward, making him appear worn and sorrowful.
"Tokizo?" I reply quietly, "Is something wrong with His Highness? Is everything not well at the palace?" My heart stops and my mind flashes before I have a chance to stop it from bringing his image into my thoughts. Tasuki. Has something happened to him or the other warriors? The priestess? I lift my eyes to Tokizo's, and beg him. "Tokizo.what has happened?"
"Kutou." Tokizo relies slowly, "Is planning to attack us. They have divisions posted on our eastern borders, waiting for command from their emperor. That is why I have been unable to visit you as I should. His Highness promoted me from palace guard to imperial spy. I have been on the eastern borders tracking the movements of the enemy and sending word back to the emperor of everything that occurs. He made the decision yesterday to begin mass assembly of the army. They begin movement to the eastern border in a week."
This news is certainly not what I expected. My face must reveal my shock, for Tokizo quickly attempts to ease my worry.
"There is nothing to fear, though, Miss Tansho. His Highness intends not to allow the enemy forces to penetrate past the eastern border. They will never reach the walls of Eiyo."
I soon find I could care less about Kutou's army, the capital, or myself. My mind's barrier has been shattered, and all I can see is him. I stare past Tokizo into the bustling crowds of people who hurry through the city streets, and all I can see is him. Everywhere. All around me. The smell of his skin. The soft sensation of his fire-red hair on my cheeks. The touch of his hand on the small of my back, running along my arms, over my lips. I see his golden green eyes shining in the mid-day sun. I see his crooked smile. The sheen of his steel fan strapped to his back. The glittering red and blue beads of his earrings. I see him looking at me, and I wonder what he can see as I look back at him.
But I don't have enough time to discern the look in his eyes, because tears are leaking from mine. I give a hasty goodbye to Tokizo, silently asking his forgiveness for my behavior, and I retreat into the darkness of the tavern.
I can't allow myself to keep seeing him, to keep wondering if he's still alive, to keep wondering if he still remembers me. To keep wondering if he is coming back from me. I can't look at him. I can't see him looking at me.
Because I am ashamed. Even though I did what I did with my clients out of love for him, I still know that I should be his. Only his. And the most horrible thing is that I know I can't. Not yet, at least. Not until he comes back and takes me away from here.
A/N: As you can see, I've laid off the angst for once, though I'm afraid this chapter still had a tinge of unhappiness to it. But I promise with all my heart that things will get better soon!! ^_^ Oh, and in case any of you are wondering what in the hell Eiyo is, it's the name of the Konan capital (I don't think I ever heard it during the anime series, but I read about it on the back of a collectable card with Hotohori's pic on it ^_^) Like I mentioned in my earlier A/N, I'm leaving tomorrow for Wyoming and won't be able to update until perhaps the 14th or 15th of July. Sorry! ^_^
P.S. Thanks to all of you who left reviews for me!! They encourage me so much!