A/N: Well, this chapter is about as mellow as they can get. No
action. No angst. No sex. No cussing. Just nice, calm prose. So enjoy
it while it lasts, OK?! ^_^
Chapter 40
Beneath the City Sky
I can smell the earth. Everywhere I turn, I smell soil and vegetation. The scent of nature, of living things, of the outside-it all surrounds me entirely. And I revel in it, lifting my face to the sky, into the warmth of the sun. I open my eyes and see nothing but the color green- everywhere. I reach my hands out to touch the leaves of a maple tree, but my fingers brush against something cold and hard, stopping them. I look down and see my palms resting on a stone windowsill. It is only then that I realize I am standing at a window--that I am inside looking out. And yet I can still feel the earth around me, I can still smell it lingering in the air, I can still feel it even though my fingers mindlessly caress the stone windowsill.
Suddenly, I feel warmth encircle me, coming from somewhere behind me. Long arms wrap around me, pulling me backward and pressing me into a firm, warm body until my back molds perfectly to the chest of my captor. The masculine smell of dirt and rain, mixed richly with the sweet aroma of the trees that lay beyond my window engulf me, making my head swim in euphoria at the familiarity of the scent of the man holding me. I feel his breath on my hair, which falls loosely over my shoulders in mahogany waves. I lift my hands to clasp his, telling him without words that I'm glad he's there.
The lights of the city are not here. The smells of the market are not here either. The crowds of people, moving in motions that remind me of the sea, are absent as well. There are no shouts of merchants and buyers arguing, or the cooing drawl of prostitutes hanging out of building windows beckoning to their customers. There is only the forest resting on the side of the mountain, with a trail from our fortress leading into its depths. There is only the smell of the earth rising from the forest, and the tantalizing aroma of steamed rice and sake down the hall in the kitchen. There is only he and I alone in our room, and his men returning from an early morning raid slowly streaming into the fortress with their booty. The only sounds are the humming and serenading of the insects and birds of the forest, and the occasional howl of laughter or shout from the men walking past our door on their way to the kitchen for a bowl of the rice I made when expecting their return.
In a beautiful moment of joy, I finally realize where I am and whose arms are wrapped tightly around me. I am on the mountain, in the bandit fortress, looking out at the forest Tasuki described to me as we lay in his bed the night before he left for Konan. And I know it is he behind me, holding me to him as if we've been separated for months instead of the few hours his and his men's raid took.
And in the moment I turn myself around to smile at him, welcoming him home, I make the mistake of blinking-and loosing it all. In an instant, nothing but darkness remains. But then I blink again, and the hazy silhouette of my wardrobe is visible, followed by my vanity table next to it. By the time I am fully awake, my dream swirling like dying smoke in the corners of my mind, it is painfully obvious that the mountain is still so far away. And so is Tasuki.
I sit upright in my bed, my head pounding, and like a parade of images and sounds marching through my mind, I remember the events of the night before. I look towards the window and see nothing but the black night, and I wonder how long I have slept. I also wonder how I came to be in my bed. But then, just as I suddenly remember the angry words that passed between Shingen and I and the blow from his hand that sent me to the floor, I remember four blurry shapes coming to my side soon after Shingen left. Koi on my left and Okichi on my right, with Asako steadying my shoulders from behind and Misa lifting me upwards by my elbows, my dear friends lifted me from floor and into their arms. They slipped off my wrinkled dress and dressed me in a clean sleeping gown before carrying me to my bed and lingering on throughout the day to press cool cloths on my face to keep it from swelling. I remember Okichi brushing my hair, and Koi forcing me to drink down a bowl of warm soup. But when they left to go work in the tavern below, I don't remember. From these fragments of my memory, I guess that I've simply slept through the day.
My fingers are curled around something so tightly that they have become cold and numb. I look down and see the crimson medallion with the image of Suzaku emblazoned on its front. I have been clutching it since I lost consciousness on the floor of the balcony. Smiling faintly, I unwrap my bloodless fingers from the edges of the pendant and gently place the soft brown velvet cord around my neck, tucking the precious piece of metal between my breasts once again. It saved my life. I will take it off only to return it to His Highness.
The urge to relieve myself suddenly takes hold of me so fiercely that I fear that I won't make it to the latrines in time. After slipping on an outer robe over the sleeping gown the other women had dressed me in, I open my door as quietly as possible and am instantly assaulted with the sounds and smells of the bustling tavern beyond the banister of the balcony. The boisterous laughter of men mingles with the flirtatious giggle of the whores, and I can't help but smile. Still, I am glad that I am not down there with them.
Instead of walking down the staircase that leads to the center of the tavern, I continue walking down the hall, my shoulder skimming against the wall to keep me out of view of anyone who might happen to glance up. I finally come upon the linen closet at the end of the hall and open the door to see the narrow staircase inside that leads to the back of the building. By following this out to the latrines, I'll be able to bypass the chaos of the tavern.
Thankful for not having to possibly confront Shingen by daring to walk down the main staircase, I take to the narrow stairs, eager to get to the latrines. There is only one bend in the staircase, followed by a straight but steep decent to the back of the Black Dove. I open the door at the end of my climb slowly, peeking out to check if there are customers relieving themselves or perhaps one of the women who've led a client out back for a quick fuck. Satisfied that I'm alone, I open the door all the way and step out into the crisp air of the night. Autumn will be here soon, and the nights are getting longer. I am sure that by the time Winter is here, I will be spending the frozen season on the mountain, curled in Tasuki's arms as a fire burns brightly in the hearth. I am sure that the dream I awoke from just minutes earlier is a glimpse of my future. I believe it with all of my being.
After relieving myself in one of the latrines, I sit for a moment on the edge of the water basin and just stare into the sky. The lights of the city reflect off the clouds, making only the brightest stars visible above me. But I still pretend to see the seven constellations of Suzaku somewhere in the dark expanse, lifting my hand and tracing shapes with my finger, not really knowing what constellations I create as I pretend to write in the sky. I remember the character on Tasuki's forearm, but I've never seen the constellation that stands for his name. Or perhaps I have seen it at one point in my life, only failed to recognize it for what it was. I wish he were here with me, to take my hand in his and point my finger toward his name written in the sky, to tell me that it has always been there and always will be there-just as he will always be there whenever I should need him.
I would sit here all night if I didn't fear a client seeing me as he stumbles out the back door to try to piss without wetting his trousers. I thought before that I loathed this place, but now everything about it makes me come close to being nauseous. The only aspects of the Black Dove that could conjure up a feeling of peace from my lonely heart were the other women, my dearest friends in the whole world and the only people still helping me to cling to life. In truth, I owe them everything. And it gives me some comfort to know that I have repaid them for their years of friendship by remaining behind with them when I could have easily had the chance to leave the Black Dove forever.
I still sometimes can't help but wonder what my everyday life would be like if I had decided to accept the emperor's offer and remain behind in the palace seraglio. I often imagine myself dressed like a courtesan, in silk robes that trail along the ground when I walk, with my long brown hair bound in intricate styles on my head with gold and jade. It is a nice fantasy, forgetting how drab I look in my plain gown with nothing but a silk sash to keep it closed in front, with my hair hanging loose down my back or sometimes tied in messy buns atop my head. But then I remember that Tasuki fell in love with me no matter what I happened to be wearing or how my hair happened to look, and the sadness clinging to me lifts for a few moments as I blissfully think of him yet again.
Three months. It's been over three months now. If I had not had my revelation the night that Mayonaka found out about my pregnancy then I would have lost hope long ago. When I had told her I loved the man who fathered the child within me, that he wasn't one of my customers, but that he had still left me just as all my clients had done, I realized that I still doubted Tasuki's return. Even though he had promised me so many times before, I still doubted him. And it was on that night also that I miscarried. But at least I was finally able to put all of my trust in my beloved before the product of our love was flushed from me.
It still pains me physically and emotionally to remember that horrible night when my own body betrayed me. I can still feel the excruciating cramps of my womb, and I can still hear my terrified scream when I saw the blood that covered my bed and my hands. And even though I have had several weeks to think about it, I have yet to decide whether or not I will tell him about my miscarriage when he returns from Hokkan. What good would it do to have to see that expression on his face when I whisper that our child was here for a short time, but was gone before I could even welcome it into the world? But I am worried about my own well being if I keep the knowledge to myself. Would the guilt of knowing but not telling eventually tear me apart? Or would I be able to keep it hidden in my heart until the day I died?
All my thoughts on death have taken their toll. I'm now more depressed than when I was crumpled on the floor at Shingen's feet just the night before. I have to leave the night. I can't look at the stars anymore. Because even though I have no idea where it is, I know his constellation is up there somewhere and just knowing this makes me yearn for him all the more desperately.
So I get up from the lip of the water basin and walk silently back to the narrow door that will lead me back to my room and keep me from the eyes of my clients. My bare feet slide over the damp grass, and I guess that it must have rained earlier in the day. I trudge up the narrow staircase without looking back for a last glimpse of the sky. I plan to go back to sleep and just keep sleeping until he comes back. I have nothing much better to do. Perhaps I might go walking one day with Tokizo if he is able to leave his post at the eastern border long enough to come call on me. Or I might venture into the market place just to listen to the sounds of the city. Or I might pay Mayonaka a visit, for it has been several weeks since I saw her last. But then again, what does it really matter what I decide to do as I continue waiting for his return? All that matters is the moment I feel his hand run along the length of my face, the moment I feel his arms wrap themselves around my shoulders, and the moment I hear his voice speaking to me, telling me that he has come back to me at last.
Little do I know that I will only have to wait a few more minutes.
A/N: Bwahaha!! The evil in me is revealed! ^_^ How on earth could I do this to you and make you wait?! But yeah, as you can see, our darling Tasuki is about to make his reappearance-finally! ^_^
Well, there's not much else to tell you now-you're just gonna have to wait and see! ^_^
Also, a great big thanks for all the wonderful reviews!! ^_^ They mean so much to me! Love you all! ^_^
Chapter 40
Beneath the City Sky
I can smell the earth. Everywhere I turn, I smell soil and vegetation. The scent of nature, of living things, of the outside-it all surrounds me entirely. And I revel in it, lifting my face to the sky, into the warmth of the sun. I open my eyes and see nothing but the color green- everywhere. I reach my hands out to touch the leaves of a maple tree, but my fingers brush against something cold and hard, stopping them. I look down and see my palms resting on a stone windowsill. It is only then that I realize I am standing at a window--that I am inside looking out. And yet I can still feel the earth around me, I can still smell it lingering in the air, I can still feel it even though my fingers mindlessly caress the stone windowsill.
Suddenly, I feel warmth encircle me, coming from somewhere behind me. Long arms wrap around me, pulling me backward and pressing me into a firm, warm body until my back molds perfectly to the chest of my captor. The masculine smell of dirt and rain, mixed richly with the sweet aroma of the trees that lay beyond my window engulf me, making my head swim in euphoria at the familiarity of the scent of the man holding me. I feel his breath on my hair, which falls loosely over my shoulders in mahogany waves. I lift my hands to clasp his, telling him without words that I'm glad he's there.
The lights of the city are not here. The smells of the market are not here either. The crowds of people, moving in motions that remind me of the sea, are absent as well. There are no shouts of merchants and buyers arguing, or the cooing drawl of prostitutes hanging out of building windows beckoning to their customers. There is only the forest resting on the side of the mountain, with a trail from our fortress leading into its depths. There is only the smell of the earth rising from the forest, and the tantalizing aroma of steamed rice and sake down the hall in the kitchen. There is only he and I alone in our room, and his men returning from an early morning raid slowly streaming into the fortress with their booty. The only sounds are the humming and serenading of the insects and birds of the forest, and the occasional howl of laughter or shout from the men walking past our door on their way to the kitchen for a bowl of the rice I made when expecting their return.
In a beautiful moment of joy, I finally realize where I am and whose arms are wrapped tightly around me. I am on the mountain, in the bandit fortress, looking out at the forest Tasuki described to me as we lay in his bed the night before he left for Konan. And I know it is he behind me, holding me to him as if we've been separated for months instead of the few hours his and his men's raid took.
And in the moment I turn myself around to smile at him, welcoming him home, I make the mistake of blinking-and loosing it all. In an instant, nothing but darkness remains. But then I blink again, and the hazy silhouette of my wardrobe is visible, followed by my vanity table next to it. By the time I am fully awake, my dream swirling like dying smoke in the corners of my mind, it is painfully obvious that the mountain is still so far away. And so is Tasuki.
I sit upright in my bed, my head pounding, and like a parade of images and sounds marching through my mind, I remember the events of the night before. I look towards the window and see nothing but the black night, and I wonder how long I have slept. I also wonder how I came to be in my bed. But then, just as I suddenly remember the angry words that passed between Shingen and I and the blow from his hand that sent me to the floor, I remember four blurry shapes coming to my side soon after Shingen left. Koi on my left and Okichi on my right, with Asako steadying my shoulders from behind and Misa lifting me upwards by my elbows, my dear friends lifted me from floor and into their arms. They slipped off my wrinkled dress and dressed me in a clean sleeping gown before carrying me to my bed and lingering on throughout the day to press cool cloths on my face to keep it from swelling. I remember Okichi brushing my hair, and Koi forcing me to drink down a bowl of warm soup. But when they left to go work in the tavern below, I don't remember. From these fragments of my memory, I guess that I've simply slept through the day.
My fingers are curled around something so tightly that they have become cold and numb. I look down and see the crimson medallion with the image of Suzaku emblazoned on its front. I have been clutching it since I lost consciousness on the floor of the balcony. Smiling faintly, I unwrap my bloodless fingers from the edges of the pendant and gently place the soft brown velvet cord around my neck, tucking the precious piece of metal between my breasts once again. It saved my life. I will take it off only to return it to His Highness.
The urge to relieve myself suddenly takes hold of me so fiercely that I fear that I won't make it to the latrines in time. After slipping on an outer robe over the sleeping gown the other women had dressed me in, I open my door as quietly as possible and am instantly assaulted with the sounds and smells of the bustling tavern beyond the banister of the balcony. The boisterous laughter of men mingles with the flirtatious giggle of the whores, and I can't help but smile. Still, I am glad that I am not down there with them.
Instead of walking down the staircase that leads to the center of the tavern, I continue walking down the hall, my shoulder skimming against the wall to keep me out of view of anyone who might happen to glance up. I finally come upon the linen closet at the end of the hall and open the door to see the narrow staircase inside that leads to the back of the building. By following this out to the latrines, I'll be able to bypass the chaos of the tavern.
Thankful for not having to possibly confront Shingen by daring to walk down the main staircase, I take to the narrow stairs, eager to get to the latrines. There is only one bend in the staircase, followed by a straight but steep decent to the back of the Black Dove. I open the door at the end of my climb slowly, peeking out to check if there are customers relieving themselves or perhaps one of the women who've led a client out back for a quick fuck. Satisfied that I'm alone, I open the door all the way and step out into the crisp air of the night. Autumn will be here soon, and the nights are getting longer. I am sure that by the time Winter is here, I will be spending the frozen season on the mountain, curled in Tasuki's arms as a fire burns brightly in the hearth. I am sure that the dream I awoke from just minutes earlier is a glimpse of my future. I believe it with all of my being.
After relieving myself in one of the latrines, I sit for a moment on the edge of the water basin and just stare into the sky. The lights of the city reflect off the clouds, making only the brightest stars visible above me. But I still pretend to see the seven constellations of Suzaku somewhere in the dark expanse, lifting my hand and tracing shapes with my finger, not really knowing what constellations I create as I pretend to write in the sky. I remember the character on Tasuki's forearm, but I've never seen the constellation that stands for his name. Or perhaps I have seen it at one point in my life, only failed to recognize it for what it was. I wish he were here with me, to take my hand in his and point my finger toward his name written in the sky, to tell me that it has always been there and always will be there-just as he will always be there whenever I should need him.
I would sit here all night if I didn't fear a client seeing me as he stumbles out the back door to try to piss without wetting his trousers. I thought before that I loathed this place, but now everything about it makes me come close to being nauseous. The only aspects of the Black Dove that could conjure up a feeling of peace from my lonely heart were the other women, my dearest friends in the whole world and the only people still helping me to cling to life. In truth, I owe them everything. And it gives me some comfort to know that I have repaid them for their years of friendship by remaining behind with them when I could have easily had the chance to leave the Black Dove forever.
I still sometimes can't help but wonder what my everyday life would be like if I had decided to accept the emperor's offer and remain behind in the palace seraglio. I often imagine myself dressed like a courtesan, in silk robes that trail along the ground when I walk, with my long brown hair bound in intricate styles on my head with gold and jade. It is a nice fantasy, forgetting how drab I look in my plain gown with nothing but a silk sash to keep it closed in front, with my hair hanging loose down my back or sometimes tied in messy buns atop my head. But then I remember that Tasuki fell in love with me no matter what I happened to be wearing or how my hair happened to look, and the sadness clinging to me lifts for a few moments as I blissfully think of him yet again.
Three months. It's been over three months now. If I had not had my revelation the night that Mayonaka found out about my pregnancy then I would have lost hope long ago. When I had told her I loved the man who fathered the child within me, that he wasn't one of my customers, but that he had still left me just as all my clients had done, I realized that I still doubted Tasuki's return. Even though he had promised me so many times before, I still doubted him. And it was on that night also that I miscarried. But at least I was finally able to put all of my trust in my beloved before the product of our love was flushed from me.
It still pains me physically and emotionally to remember that horrible night when my own body betrayed me. I can still feel the excruciating cramps of my womb, and I can still hear my terrified scream when I saw the blood that covered my bed and my hands. And even though I have had several weeks to think about it, I have yet to decide whether or not I will tell him about my miscarriage when he returns from Hokkan. What good would it do to have to see that expression on his face when I whisper that our child was here for a short time, but was gone before I could even welcome it into the world? But I am worried about my own well being if I keep the knowledge to myself. Would the guilt of knowing but not telling eventually tear me apart? Or would I be able to keep it hidden in my heart until the day I died?
All my thoughts on death have taken their toll. I'm now more depressed than when I was crumpled on the floor at Shingen's feet just the night before. I have to leave the night. I can't look at the stars anymore. Because even though I have no idea where it is, I know his constellation is up there somewhere and just knowing this makes me yearn for him all the more desperately.
So I get up from the lip of the water basin and walk silently back to the narrow door that will lead me back to my room and keep me from the eyes of my clients. My bare feet slide over the damp grass, and I guess that it must have rained earlier in the day. I trudge up the narrow staircase without looking back for a last glimpse of the sky. I plan to go back to sleep and just keep sleeping until he comes back. I have nothing much better to do. Perhaps I might go walking one day with Tokizo if he is able to leave his post at the eastern border long enough to come call on me. Or I might venture into the market place just to listen to the sounds of the city. Or I might pay Mayonaka a visit, for it has been several weeks since I saw her last. But then again, what does it really matter what I decide to do as I continue waiting for his return? All that matters is the moment I feel his hand run along the length of my face, the moment I feel his arms wrap themselves around my shoulders, and the moment I hear his voice speaking to me, telling me that he has come back to me at last.
Little do I know that I will only have to wait a few more minutes.
A/N: Bwahaha!! The evil in me is revealed! ^_^ How on earth could I do this to you and make you wait?! But yeah, as you can see, our darling Tasuki is about to make his reappearance-finally! ^_^
Well, there's not much else to tell you now-you're just gonna have to wait and see! ^_^
Also, a great big thanks for all the wonderful reviews!! ^_^ They mean so much to me! Love you all! ^_^