Chapter 53
The Farewell
I awake quickly, as if pushed from sleep by disembodied hands lurking somewhere in my mind. My eyelids part slowly to see the white chiffon canopy of my bed resting above me like a cloud. Suddenly, foreign noises echo through my room, and in a startled frenzy I bolt upright in my bed, clutching the linens close to my naked breasts. The sound of feet sliding over polished tiles combined with the calm splash of flowing water fills the air of my chambers, and I realize that they are coming from the inside of my bathing room.
My eyes drop to my bed, which is empty except for me. Tasuki. He's not here. Automatically assuming that my husband is the one making the noise, I slide from my bed and creep to the doors of the bathing room, still totally naked. I'll give him an early-morning treat before he must leave for the battlefield. Just because he will soon be riding off into the midst of hell does not mean that we should be miserable and sullen on our wedding morning.
I reach the threshold of the bathing room and peek timidly around the corner, expecting to see Tasuki either reclining in the jade-tiled bath or preparing to climb in. But I don't see him at all. Standing beside the beautiful bath is a strange young woman, her small arms straining to keep a ceramic jug from toppling into the bath while steaming water pours from its mouth. The jade-covered interior of the bath is already over half-full with rippling, warm water.
A high-pitched gasp echoes through the humid air of the bathing room, and I shift my eyes from the huge jug back to the girl, and realize that she has seen me-nearly all of me. Her dark brown eyes widen at the sight of my bare breasts, and she turns around quickly, a string of muffled apologizes sprouting from her mouth. Embarrassed and confused beyond comprehension, I hastily retreat to my bedside, scoop up my discarded night robe and throw it on. Only when the sash is securely tied around my waist do I dare to approach the entrance to my bathing room again.
The poor girl's hands are trembling as if she just committed an inexcusable crime. The heavy jug, now empty of water, shakes wildly right along with her nervous hands. I clear my throat to let her know I've returned and she turns to me with a look of utter mortification on her pretty face. I almost want to laugh and hug her trembling little body to mine to try to ease her discomfort, but I myself am still a little too stunned to do much of anything. The poor girl appears to be only thirteen or fourteen years old-still a child. I watch as her lips quiver slightly, as if she wants to speak, and when her melodious little words do come out, they are as nervous as the rest of her.
"P-please do for-forgive me, my l-lady," she stutters, her vivid brown eyes glistening as if on the verge of tears, "I did-I d-didn't mean to wake you."
"Oh," I reply, smiling softly to try to calm her, "You didn't wake me. I thought you were someone else-that's why I---well, you know." Only when I try to explain my actions do I realize that I'm just as nervous as she. "My husband," I inquire gently, "Do you, by chance, know where he is?"
At hearing this, her quivering little body seems to calm, and she smiles sweetly at me, bowing her head in submission. "Yes, Lady Tansho. I do know where he is. He was called very early this morning to a final meeting with His Highness, Master Chichiri, and His Highness' personal advisors and officers."
"Oh," I sigh. For a slight moment my heart was beginning to race madly at the thought that Tasuki left to ride away into battle without even bidding me farewell. I reprimand myself mentally at thinking such a thing. He would never do that to me. Still, I cannot help but inquire further. "Do you know if he will be returning to my quarters before he and the others leave?" I ask.
The young girl carefully places the empty jug onto the snow-white tiles of my bathing room floor before answering. "He left just as I was knocking on your door to introduce myself. He asked me to tell you that he most likely won't be able to return here, but to ask you to join him in the palace's main courtyard an hour from now. That is when he and the others are planning to leave for the battlefields on the eastern border."
"An hour," I repeat, gazing down at the ground. I am not angry with him for slipping away from me so secretly. I will not judge him-I have no right. He is a warrior chosen by a god, and although my heart knows his devotion to me is as strong as his destiny, I also must submit to the realization that his duties come before me. But as his wife, I do have the right to tell him goodbye; and I am anxious to be there when he departs.
"Forgive me for not introducing myself earlier, Lady Tansho," she young woman replies, her small feet taking dainty, quick steps toward me. Thankfully, her voice and demeanor has seemed to relax again. She takes my hand in hers and bows deeply before me, her loose golden hair tumbling over her shoulders. "My name is Naho, and I will be serving you during your stay here in the palace. My room is right next to yours, and if you should need me just pull on this cord." She scurries over to the far wall of the bathing room and pulls on a small, silk cord that seems to magically disappear into the ceiling. "All of the courtesans' rooms have these in case they should need their handmaid during the night or during an emergency." She smiles and pulls the cord again.
"Oh, all right then," I reply, not really knowing exactly what to say. "Thank you."
"No thanks required, my lady," Naho answers cheerfully, returning to my side and picking up the large ceramic jug. "I only hope that I can make your stay here that much more comfortable." She hugs the jar to her small breasts and raises her eyebrows slightly. "I thought you would enjoy a bath, Lady Tansho. And if you would like, I could order your breakfast from the kitchen and serve you after you've bathed."
I am not yet accustomed to so much undivided attention shown to me. I'm used to drawing my own bath and fetching (and usually cooking) my own meals -- not having it all done for me. But I am a guest here, so I suppose it would be best to allow Naho to serve me just as she would serve the other courtesans or guests.
"That would be nice," I reply with a smile, "Thank you, Naho."
She bows again and takes her leave, the large ceramic jar in tow, to allow me time to bathe in private. As I undress, my eyes skim over the numerous cosmetic products arranged on a short table next to the bath. There are dozens of different soaps with different scents stacked on top of each other, not to mention all the bottles of bath oils and the box of sea sponges waiting to be chosen from. Not being a connoisseur of such things, I simply pick a block of soap that smells a basket of peaches and a dark orange sponge that seems slightly softer than the others. The sensation of warm, clean water on my legs momentarily pushes all thoughts from my tumultuous mind, giving me precious time to simply enjoy the feeling of sitting naked in my new, gorgeous bath and soaking in the scent of peaches.
My hair is stiff with dried salt water and carries a slightly unbecoming odor. Determined to smell of freshly sliced peaches rather than freshly sliced fish when I bid farewell to Tasuki, I scoot my body forward on the slick, jade tiles and dunk my head beneath the water. I then scrub furiously at my dark brown hair with a handful of peach-scented lather.
Used to being forced to bath before the water turns cold, I am finished scrubbing and rinsing my hair and skin in only a few minutes. Knowing that I have no time to simply sit and soak lazily, I hurry out of the water. And by the time Naho returns to my chambers with a tray laden with tea, steamed rice, sweet dumplings, and roast chicken, I am sitting quietly by the open window next to my bed, allowing the warm breeze to dry my wet hair. I would light the small hearth in my alcove, but the humidity of late summer is too much to bear along with the added heat of a burning hearth.
"Your breakfast, my lady," Naho replies happily, placing the tray of food on a small, round table at the foot of my bed.
I thank her, and as I seat myself in the table's lone chair, Naho asks me is I would like her to select a gown for me to wear when I go to bid farewell to my husband. With my mouth already full of a combination of rice and honey-covered dumplings, I can only nod my consent and contort my strained lips into a lop-sided smile. Naho giggles, pads over to my wardrobe, and opens it carefully as if the precious garments inside could come spilling out. As I eat, I try my best not to spill the delicious tea or scatter rice all over the table top. I had no idea I was so hungry! Perhaps I should have opted to eat at my wedding banquet last night instead of swimming in the ocean with Tasuki.
A delighted gasp from Naho brings me out of my food-induced trance, and I look up from my bowl of rice to see her admiring the maple-leaf embroidered outer robe of my mother's gown. There is puzzlement mixed with the admiration on her young face.
"Is this yours, Lady Tansho?" she asks, turning to me, "I don't remember placing it in your wardrobe yesterday with the other new gowns Lady Junko had me bring to your chambers."
"Yes," I answer after swallowing a mouthful of roasted chicken. "My mother made that for me a long time ago-as well as an under robe, girdle, and sash to go with it."
"She must have been a professional seamstress-yes?"
"Yes," I reply, startled, "How did you know?"
"Only a seamstress who has spent her life holding needles and thread could produce such lovely craftsmanship," Naho answers happily, giving me a smile. "Would you like to wear it today?"
"No," I answer hastily, "I wore it yesterday, and I don't want it to get worn out too quickly."
"Ah, yes, that's quite understandable, my lady," my maidservant replies as she turns to replace the golden and scarlet outer robe back in the wardrobe. "How about this?" She pulls out a gorgeous azure blue outer robe, its short, shoulder-length sleeves trimmed in white, and a pale yellow under robe to go with it. "The blue would look wonderful with your dark hair," she remarks.
"Yes," I say, smiling as I finish my breakfast, "That's perfect."
After combing my hair and styling it modestly in a simple chignon and braid, Naho helps me don the yellow under robe and azure over robe, followed by a plain white girdle to accentuate the white trim of the blue outer robe. We finish off my lovely outfit with a soft yellow sash to match the shade of the under robe and a pair of my comfortable cotton slippers since the walk to the palace's main courtyard is a rather long one. I exchange my onyx earrings for the blue and red beaded ones that Tasuki gave to me right before he left of the mission to Hokkan, and I am ready to say my goodbyes to my husband.
I tell Naho politely that I would rather be alone as I walk to the main entrance of the palace, and she is understanding of my wishes. She offers to tidy my room up for me while I'm gone, and I give her a thankful smile before I step outside my door and begin the long walk to where I will say farewell to my beloved.
But when I reach he gates of the seraglio, I am surprised to see Tasuki standing there patiently, his arms crossed over his chest, his back resting against the wall, as if he is there waiting for me. And I am even more surprised to see that his midnight-black overcoat and tan trousers have been replaced with a very becoming dark green tunic, gray trousers, and green boots. So surprised am I by his sudden appearance coupled with his new ensemble that I momentarily forget I know how to speak, and I stand in front of him with an expressionless face.
He lets out a soft laugh as he pushes his body off the wall. "Hey there, Tan baby," he replies with a smirk on his face, "Whatcha staring at?"
The sound of his voice brings mine back to life, and I am able to summon a soft giggle from my throat. "Nothing," I say, walking the remaining distance that separates us, "Just wondering what you're doing here. I thought you were in a meeting with His Highness. Naho, my maid, said that you wanted me to meet you in the palace's main courtyard."
"Yeah, I didn't know when we'd be done. I didn't want to take a chance at being forced to leave without being able to come back here and tell you bye." He wraps an arm around my shoulders when I reach his side, and we begin walking slowly in the direction I thought I would be walking alone a few minutes ago.
"I like these clothes," I comment, smiling up at him.
"Really? Thanks, Tan. I just worried about getting my black coat all scuffed up," he remarks, pulling at the hem of his green tunic and rotating the golden arm-bands that guard his forearms. His attention turns to me, and his eyes light up for a moment. "And look at you, Miss Pretty Courtesan!" he replies playfully, tugging at the yellow chiffon sleeve of my under robe. "You look damn good, Tan!"
I glare at him, momentarily resenting his calling me a "pretty courtesan", but then I see the teasing glint in his beautiful golden-green eyes and I can't help but laugh. I do give him a soft slap on the shoulder as a warning not to call me a courtesan again. But he only laughs and pulls me closer to his side, and I slip my arm around his waist.
We continue walking in the direction of the main courtyard, passing numerous servants and guests who bow to us when they recognize Tasuki and mistake me for a courtesan since I am dressed so much like one. And as we walk, we are strangely silent, simply holding onto each other gently as we stroll across the gardens, courtyards, and verandas of the palace. But after a few moments, my mind is too overwhelmed by the silence, and I am desperate to hear my husband's voice for fear it may be the last time I am truly able to speak to him with all my soul.
"Tasuki," I say quietly, keeping my eyes ahead of me.
"Hmm?"
"Are you afraid?"
By the way that the muscles in his back clench suddenly beneath my hand, I can tell that my question catches him off guard, though I certain didn't mean to. I am only curious as to what is happening inside of his mind. I wonder if he is anxious about going to battle, about being forced to fight and possibly kill his enemies for the sake of his county. I only want to know. I only want him to know that I understand.
"Yeah," he answers after a few moments of silence, "Yeah, I am in a way." His voice is oddly serene and passive, not agitated or anxious in any way. "I sure as hell ain't no coward, but I think that every man has gotta be a little scared when he goes off to war. I don't see how you can't be."
I gaze up at him and nod softly to tell him that I agree.
"I'm not really afraid of getting hurt or even dying," he continues, "I'm just scared for the other soldiers, for Konan, for Miaka, for His Highness, for you-" He looks down at me, and I think for a moment that I see the shadow of his soul reflecting in his eyes. "I'm scared we'll lose. I'm scared that Suzaku will never be freed and that Miaka will never be able to summon him. I'm scared that you and me will never get to go home to Mount Reikaku."
I feel my heart shuddering in my chest, soaking in my beloved husband's sorrow. He's suffering. I can feel it. And he's trying to keep all of his worries and doubts inside, just as he is used to doing-just as I'm used to doing. But not any more. I stop our slow walking and slip my other arm around his waist, hugging him close to me. His arms curl around my shoulders, taking me into his familiar embrace that I am so in love with.
"It is all right to be afraid, Tasuki," I whisper into his tunic, "Fear is one of the strongest of human emotions, and it cannot be ignored or denied. But it can be overcome with faith and courage and love." I raise my head and rest my chin on his chest so that I can look directly up into his handsome face. "Fight for the people you love, for your empire, and for yourself," I tell him, my voice both stern and soft. "Fear cannot dominate a man who does those things."
He looks at me with an expression of awe, an expression that has graced his face quite a few times now. What is so awe-inspiring about me? I am only a woman who was once a whore. I am only a woman who got lucky, who made the gods remember her somehow. What is so magnificent about me? But I suppose Tasuki knows since he is looking at me the way he is. He draws me closer into his embrace and holds me fiercely, knowing that this could very well be one of our last conversations.
We go on walking, but no longer in silence. We talk on and on about whatever comes into our minds. We talk about Koi, Okichi, and Misa, wondering what will become of them when Tasuki and I leave for the mountain. We talk about the palace, how humongous and magnificent it is- and when we're sure no one's around us, we remark with sly smiles on how much space is wasted and how much money is spent in a single week keeping the emperor and empress happy. And we talk about something that I have longed to talk about since I found out Tasuki was a Mount Reikaku bandit - his fellow bandits that he left behind in order to fulfill his duty as a warrior of Suzaku. He tells me about his good friend, a man named Koji, who by the way Tasuki speaks about his, is even worse than my husband. And he tells me about many of the other men, naming them and describing them, telling me stories about their adventures together. I'm enthralled by it all. Any other woman in her right mind would be horrified and repulsed at the idea of living with these men, but I am so excited that I can hardly contain myself! Of course it is no big change for me. I am quite accustomed to being around noisy, foul-mouthed men with a love for alcohol and fighting. I expect I'll fit right in.
Our conversations continue on, but soon we are silenced by the sight of the large gates that lead from the inside of the palace to the main courtyard that leads directly into the city. We are here, at the place where we must part. I follow him silently through the gates as they are opened for us by a pair of palace guards, and we walk together to the center of the giant courtyard where his fellow warriors, he emperor and empress, the royal advisors, and several horses await us. The priestess is already perched upon a chestnut mare, the warrior known as Tamahome seated in the saddle in front of her. He no doubt wishes to keep her as close as possible, I think to myself, though it may prove difficult for the young man to fight with her so close. I offer an encouraging smile to her, which she happily accepts with a smile in return. Such a spirited woman-child. Such grace and undaunted courage she has in that tiny body of her's that has yet to bloom into a woman's. The respect I have for her overflows within me.
Chichiri stands ready next to his horse, and calls out a greeting to Tasuki and I as we approach. We answer his hello, though not as cheerfully as he spoke it. His Highness and Lady Hoki stand side-by-side with the royal advisors, the troubled expressions on their faces no doubt betraying the tumultuous thoughts running through their minds. They offer Tasuki and I a smile of greeting, but seem too tired to do much else. My heart goes out to them. To see your friends and comrades preparing to fight you and their empire is a hard sight to bear.
A stable boy delivers a saddled horse to Mitsukake, the giant of a man I remember meeting just before Tasuki left for Hokkan. Then the lad returns again with another horse for Tasuki, handing the reins to him before bowing and trotting off to return to his duties. My husband clenches the leather reins of his mare, looking her over for a moment before turning to me with a look of regret in his eyes. Baffled, I walk closer to him, trying to see behind his eyes. And I think for a moment that I hear his inner voice, a sad voice that seems to sigh with lament. Why do you love me, I can hear his heart say. All I do is leave you.
My eyes narrow and I step up to him, directing my gaze into his. Yes, you did leave me once, and you're about to do it again. But you came back, and you're going to do that again as well.
Somehow, I know that he hears me. His eyes soften and the sighing sounds of his mourning heart quiet until they are silent. We look at each other in perfect peace and understanding, knowing in our hearts that our life is not over yet.
"May Suzaku protect you," His Highness replies, his voice laden with anxiety and grief. "May you all return safely, and may Konan be saved."
Tasuki's eyes never leave mine, and as his other hand grips his horse's reins, one hand pulls me into a soft embrace. I curl myself into him, thinking not of what is to come, but what is right now. Here. In this place. In my husbands's embrace.
"I love you, Tansho," he whispers into my ear, his voice clear and full of vigor as I have always known it to be. "Wait for me. I will come back."
"I will," I answer without hesitation, "I know that I will see you again, Tasuki." I pull away to look at him, my eyes shining with the wildness of my love within me. "I love you."
And with that, he slips his boot into the stirrup, and hauls himself upon his saddle. With the last calls of farewells, I watch my husband ride away from me towards the south gates of the palace that will lead him into the center of the city. He will ride with his companions to the gates of the capital, and from there to the battlefields on the eastern border. And when he reaches that place of steel and blood and fire and death, he will fight as I have told him to fight. He will fight for those he loves, for Konan, and for himself. And he will be magnificent.
A/N: Hey there, guys!!! I'm finally back. See, I promised you that I'd get the next chapter up if it killed me. And, believe me, I had to go through some tough shit to get things worked out with my damn laptop. ^_^ Thank you immensely for being so patient. Thank you so much!!! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and I promise not to ever make you wait that long again for another update (if I can help it. ^_^)
Luv you all!
Aama
The Farewell
I awake quickly, as if pushed from sleep by disembodied hands lurking somewhere in my mind. My eyelids part slowly to see the white chiffon canopy of my bed resting above me like a cloud. Suddenly, foreign noises echo through my room, and in a startled frenzy I bolt upright in my bed, clutching the linens close to my naked breasts. The sound of feet sliding over polished tiles combined with the calm splash of flowing water fills the air of my chambers, and I realize that they are coming from the inside of my bathing room.
My eyes drop to my bed, which is empty except for me. Tasuki. He's not here. Automatically assuming that my husband is the one making the noise, I slide from my bed and creep to the doors of the bathing room, still totally naked. I'll give him an early-morning treat before he must leave for the battlefield. Just because he will soon be riding off into the midst of hell does not mean that we should be miserable and sullen on our wedding morning.
I reach the threshold of the bathing room and peek timidly around the corner, expecting to see Tasuki either reclining in the jade-tiled bath or preparing to climb in. But I don't see him at all. Standing beside the beautiful bath is a strange young woman, her small arms straining to keep a ceramic jug from toppling into the bath while steaming water pours from its mouth. The jade-covered interior of the bath is already over half-full with rippling, warm water.
A high-pitched gasp echoes through the humid air of the bathing room, and I shift my eyes from the huge jug back to the girl, and realize that she has seen me-nearly all of me. Her dark brown eyes widen at the sight of my bare breasts, and she turns around quickly, a string of muffled apologizes sprouting from her mouth. Embarrassed and confused beyond comprehension, I hastily retreat to my bedside, scoop up my discarded night robe and throw it on. Only when the sash is securely tied around my waist do I dare to approach the entrance to my bathing room again.
The poor girl's hands are trembling as if she just committed an inexcusable crime. The heavy jug, now empty of water, shakes wildly right along with her nervous hands. I clear my throat to let her know I've returned and she turns to me with a look of utter mortification on her pretty face. I almost want to laugh and hug her trembling little body to mine to try to ease her discomfort, but I myself am still a little too stunned to do much of anything. The poor girl appears to be only thirteen or fourteen years old-still a child. I watch as her lips quiver slightly, as if she wants to speak, and when her melodious little words do come out, they are as nervous as the rest of her.
"P-please do for-forgive me, my l-lady," she stutters, her vivid brown eyes glistening as if on the verge of tears, "I did-I d-didn't mean to wake you."
"Oh," I reply, smiling softly to try to calm her, "You didn't wake me. I thought you were someone else-that's why I---well, you know." Only when I try to explain my actions do I realize that I'm just as nervous as she. "My husband," I inquire gently, "Do you, by chance, know where he is?"
At hearing this, her quivering little body seems to calm, and she smiles sweetly at me, bowing her head in submission. "Yes, Lady Tansho. I do know where he is. He was called very early this morning to a final meeting with His Highness, Master Chichiri, and His Highness' personal advisors and officers."
"Oh," I sigh. For a slight moment my heart was beginning to race madly at the thought that Tasuki left to ride away into battle without even bidding me farewell. I reprimand myself mentally at thinking such a thing. He would never do that to me. Still, I cannot help but inquire further. "Do you know if he will be returning to my quarters before he and the others leave?" I ask.
The young girl carefully places the empty jug onto the snow-white tiles of my bathing room floor before answering. "He left just as I was knocking on your door to introduce myself. He asked me to tell you that he most likely won't be able to return here, but to ask you to join him in the palace's main courtyard an hour from now. That is when he and the others are planning to leave for the battlefields on the eastern border."
"An hour," I repeat, gazing down at the ground. I am not angry with him for slipping away from me so secretly. I will not judge him-I have no right. He is a warrior chosen by a god, and although my heart knows his devotion to me is as strong as his destiny, I also must submit to the realization that his duties come before me. But as his wife, I do have the right to tell him goodbye; and I am anxious to be there when he departs.
"Forgive me for not introducing myself earlier, Lady Tansho," she young woman replies, her small feet taking dainty, quick steps toward me. Thankfully, her voice and demeanor has seemed to relax again. She takes my hand in hers and bows deeply before me, her loose golden hair tumbling over her shoulders. "My name is Naho, and I will be serving you during your stay here in the palace. My room is right next to yours, and if you should need me just pull on this cord." She scurries over to the far wall of the bathing room and pulls on a small, silk cord that seems to magically disappear into the ceiling. "All of the courtesans' rooms have these in case they should need their handmaid during the night or during an emergency." She smiles and pulls the cord again.
"Oh, all right then," I reply, not really knowing exactly what to say. "Thank you."
"No thanks required, my lady," Naho answers cheerfully, returning to my side and picking up the large ceramic jug. "I only hope that I can make your stay here that much more comfortable." She hugs the jar to her small breasts and raises her eyebrows slightly. "I thought you would enjoy a bath, Lady Tansho. And if you would like, I could order your breakfast from the kitchen and serve you after you've bathed."
I am not yet accustomed to so much undivided attention shown to me. I'm used to drawing my own bath and fetching (and usually cooking) my own meals -- not having it all done for me. But I am a guest here, so I suppose it would be best to allow Naho to serve me just as she would serve the other courtesans or guests.
"That would be nice," I reply with a smile, "Thank you, Naho."
She bows again and takes her leave, the large ceramic jar in tow, to allow me time to bathe in private. As I undress, my eyes skim over the numerous cosmetic products arranged on a short table next to the bath. There are dozens of different soaps with different scents stacked on top of each other, not to mention all the bottles of bath oils and the box of sea sponges waiting to be chosen from. Not being a connoisseur of such things, I simply pick a block of soap that smells a basket of peaches and a dark orange sponge that seems slightly softer than the others. The sensation of warm, clean water on my legs momentarily pushes all thoughts from my tumultuous mind, giving me precious time to simply enjoy the feeling of sitting naked in my new, gorgeous bath and soaking in the scent of peaches.
My hair is stiff with dried salt water and carries a slightly unbecoming odor. Determined to smell of freshly sliced peaches rather than freshly sliced fish when I bid farewell to Tasuki, I scoot my body forward on the slick, jade tiles and dunk my head beneath the water. I then scrub furiously at my dark brown hair with a handful of peach-scented lather.
Used to being forced to bath before the water turns cold, I am finished scrubbing and rinsing my hair and skin in only a few minutes. Knowing that I have no time to simply sit and soak lazily, I hurry out of the water. And by the time Naho returns to my chambers with a tray laden with tea, steamed rice, sweet dumplings, and roast chicken, I am sitting quietly by the open window next to my bed, allowing the warm breeze to dry my wet hair. I would light the small hearth in my alcove, but the humidity of late summer is too much to bear along with the added heat of a burning hearth.
"Your breakfast, my lady," Naho replies happily, placing the tray of food on a small, round table at the foot of my bed.
I thank her, and as I seat myself in the table's lone chair, Naho asks me is I would like her to select a gown for me to wear when I go to bid farewell to my husband. With my mouth already full of a combination of rice and honey-covered dumplings, I can only nod my consent and contort my strained lips into a lop-sided smile. Naho giggles, pads over to my wardrobe, and opens it carefully as if the precious garments inside could come spilling out. As I eat, I try my best not to spill the delicious tea or scatter rice all over the table top. I had no idea I was so hungry! Perhaps I should have opted to eat at my wedding banquet last night instead of swimming in the ocean with Tasuki.
A delighted gasp from Naho brings me out of my food-induced trance, and I look up from my bowl of rice to see her admiring the maple-leaf embroidered outer robe of my mother's gown. There is puzzlement mixed with the admiration on her young face.
"Is this yours, Lady Tansho?" she asks, turning to me, "I don't remember placing it in your wardrobe yesterday with the other new gowns Lady Junko had me bring to your chambers."
"Yes," I answer after swallowing a mouthful of roasted chicken. "My mother made that for me a long time ago-as well as an under robe, girdle, and sash to go with it."
"She must have been a professional seamstress-yes?"
"Yes," I reply, startled, "How did you know?"
"Only a seamstress who has spent her life holding needles and thread could produce such lovely craftsmanship," Naho answers happily, giving me a smile. "Would you like to wear it today?"
"No," I answer hastily, "I wore it yesterday, and I don't want it to get worn out too quickly."
"Ah, yes, that's quite understandable, my lady," my maidservant replies as she turns to replace the golden and scarlet outer robe back in the wardrobe. "How about this?" She pulls out a gorgeous azure blue outer robe, its short, shoulder-length sleeves trimmed in white, and a pale yellow under robe to go with it. "The blue would look wonderful with your dark hair," she remarks.
"Yes," I say, smiling as I finish my breakfast, "That's perfect."
After combing my hair and styling it modestly in a simple chignon and braid, Naho helps me don the yellow under robe and azure over robe, followed by a plain white girdle to accentuate the white trim of the blue outer robe. We finish off my lovely outfit with a soft yellow sash to match the shade of the under robe and a pair of my comfortable cotton slippers since the walk to the palace's main courtyard is a rather long one. I exchange my onyx earrings for the blue and red beaded ones that Tasuki gave to me right before he left of the mission to Hokkan, and I am ready to say my goodbyes to my husband.
I tell Naho politely that I would rather be alone as I walk to the main entrance of the palace, and she is understanding of my wishes. She offers to tidy my room up for me while I'm gone, and I give her a thankful smile before I step outside my door and begin the long walk to where I will say farewell to my beloved.
But when I reach he gates of the seraglio, I am surprised to see Tasuki standing there patiently, his arms crossed over his chest, his back resting against the wall, as if he is there waiting for me. And I am even more surprised to see that his midnight-black overcoat and tan trousers have been replaced with a very becoming dark green tunic, gray trousers, and green boots. So surprised am I by his sudden appearance coupled with his new ensemble that I momentarily forget I know how to speak, and I stand in front of him with an expressionless face.
He lets out a soft laugh as he pushes his body off the wall. "Hey there, Tan baby," he replies with a smirk on his face, "Whatcha staring at?"
The sound of his voice brings mine back to life, and I am able to summon a soft giggle from my throat. "Nothing," I say, walking the remaining distance that separates us, "Just wondering what you're doing here. I thought you were in a meeting with His Highness. Naho, my maid, said that you wanted me to meet you in the palace's main courtyard."
"Yeah, I didn't know when we'd be done. I didn't want to take a chance at being forced to leave without being able to come back here and tell you bye." He wraps an arm around my shoulders when I reach his side, and we begin walking slowly in the direction I thought I would be walking alone a few minutes ago.
"I like these clothes," I comment, smiling up at him.
"Really? Thanks, Tan. I just worried about getting my black coat all scuffed up," he remarks, pulling at the hem of his green tunic and rotating the golden arm-bands that guard his forearms. His attention turns to me, and his eyes light up for a moment. "And look at you, Miss Pretty Courtesan!" he replies playfully, tugging at the yellow chiffon sleeve of my under robe. "You look damn good, Tan!"
I glare at him, momentarily resenting his calling me a "pretty courtesan", but then I see the teasing glint in his beautiful golden-green eyes and I can't help but laugh. I do give him a soft slap on the shoulder as a warning not to call me a courtesan again. But he only laughs and pulls me closer to his side, and I slip my arm around his waist.
We continue walking in the direction of the main courtyard, passing numerous servants and guests who bow to us when they recognize Tasuki and mistake me for a courtesan since I am dressed so much like one. And as we walk, we are strangely silent, simply holding onto each other gently as we stroll across the gardens, courtyards, and verandas of the palace. But after a few moments, my mind is too overwhelmed by the silence, and I am desperate to hear my husband's voice for fear it may be the last time I am truly able to speak to him with all my soul.
"Tasuki," I say quietly, keeping my eyes ahead of me.
"Hmm?"
"Are you afraid?"
By the way that the muscles in his back clench suddenly beneath my hand, I can tell that my question catches him off guard, though I certain didn't mean to. I am only curious as to what is happening inside of his mind. I wonder if he is anxious about going to battle, about being forced to fight and possibly kill his enemies for the sake of his county. I only want to know. I only want him to know that I understand.
"Yeah," he answers after a few moments of silence, "Yeah, I am in a way." His voice is oddly serene and passive, not agitated or anxious in any way. "I sure as hell ain't no coward, but I think that every man has gotta be a little scared when he goes off to war. I don't see how you can't be."
I gaze up at him and nod softly to tell him that I agree.
"I'm not really afraid of getting hurt or even dying," he continues, "I'm just scared for the other soldiers, for Konan, for Miaka, for His Highness, for you-" He looks down at me, and I think for a moment that I see the shadow of his soul reflecting in his eyes. "I'm scared we'll lose. I'm scared that Suzaku will never be freed and that Miaka will never be able to summon him. I'm scared that you and me will never get to go home to Mount Reikaku."
I feel my heart shuddering in my chest, soaking in my beloved husband's sorrow. He's suffering. I can feel it. And he's trying to keep all of his worries and doubts inside, just as he is used to doing-just as I'm used to doing. But not any more. I stop our slow walking and slip my other arm around his waist, hugging him close to me. His arms curl around my shoulders, taking me into his familiar embrace that I am so in love with.
"It is all right to be afraid, Tasuki," I whisper into his tunic, "Fear is one of the strongest of human emotions, and it cannot be ignored or denied. But it can be overcome with faith and courage and love." I raise my head and rest my chin on his chest so that I can look directly up into his handsome face. "Fight for the people you love, for your empire, and for yourself," I tell him, my voice both stern and soft. "Fear cannot dominate a man who does those things."
He looks at me with an expression of awe, an expression that has graced his face quite a few times now. What is so awe-inspiring about me? I am only a woman who was once a whore. I am only a woman who got lucky, who made the gods remember her somehow. What is so magnificent about me? But I suppose Tasuki knows since he is looking at me the way he is. He draws me closer into his embrace and holds me fiercely, knowing that this could very well be one of our last conversations.
We go on walking, but no longer in silence. We talk on and on about whatever comes into our minds. We talk about Koi, Okichi, and Misa, wondering what will become of them when Tasuki and I leave for the mountain. We talk about the palace, how humongous and magnificent it is- and when we're sure no one's around us, we remark with sly smiles on how much space is wasted and how much money is spent in a single week keeping the emperor and empress happy. And we talk about something that I have longed to talk about since I found out Tasuki was a Mount Reikaku bandit - his fellow bandits that he left behind in order to fulfill his duty as a warrior of Suzaku. He tells me about his good friend, a man named Koji, who by the way Tasuki speaks about his, is even worse than my husband. And he tells me about many of the other men, naming them and describing them, telling me stories about their adventures together. I'm enthralled by it all. Any other woman in her right mind would be horrified and repulsed at the idea of living with these men, but I am so excited that I can hardly contain myself! Of course it is no big change for me. I am quite accustomed to being around noisy, foul-mouthed men with a love for alcohol and fighting. I expect I'll fit right in.
Our conversations continue on, but soon we are silenced by the sight of the large gates that lead from the inside of the palace to the main courtyard that leads directly into the city. We are here, at the place where we must part. I follow him silently through the gates as they are opened for us by a pair of palace guards, and we walk together to the center of the giant courtyard where his fellow warriors, he emperor and empress, the royal advisors, and several horses await us. The priestess is already perched upon a chestnut mare, the warrior known as Tamahome seated in the saddle in front of her. He no doubt wishes to keep her as close as possible, I think to myself, though it may prove difficult for the young man to fight with her so close. I offer an encouraging smile to her, which she happily accepts with a smile in return. Such a spirited woman-child. Such grace and undaunted courage she has in that tiny body of her's that has yet to bloom into a woman's. The respect I have for her overflows within me.
Chichiri stands ready next to his horse, and calls out a greeting to Tasuki and I as we approach. We answer his hello, though not as cheerfully as he spoke it. His Highness and Lady Hoki stand side-by-side with the royal advisors, the troubled expressions on their faces no doubt betraying the tumultuous thoughts running through their minds. They offer Tasuki and I a smile of greeting, but seem too tired to do much else. My heart goes out to them. To see your friends and comrades preparing to fight you and their empire is a hard sight to bear.
A stable boy delivers a saddled horse to Mitsukake, the giant of a man I remember meeting just before Tasuki left for Hokkan. Then the lad returns again with another horse for Tasuki, handing the reins to him before bowing and trotting off to return to his duties. My husband clenches the leather reins of his mare, looking her over for a moment before turning to me with a look of regret in his eyes. Baffled, I walk closer to him, trying to see behind his eyes. And I think for a moment that I hear his inner voice, a sad voice that seems to sigh with lament. Why do you love me, I can hear his heart say. All I do is leave you.
My eyes narrow and I step up to him, directing my gaze into his. Yes, you did leave me once, and you're about to do it again. But you came back, and you're going to do that again as well.
Somehow, I know that he hears me. His eyes soften and the sighing sounds of his mourning heart quiet until they are silent. We look at each other in perfect peace and understanding, knowing in our hearts that our life is not over yet.
"May Suzaku protect you," His Highness replies, his voice laden with anxiety and grief. "May you all return safely, and may Konan be saved."
Tasuki's eyes never leave mine, and as his other hand grips his horse's reins, one hand pulls me into a soft embrace. I curl myself into him, thinking not of what is to come, but what is right now. Here. In this place. In my husbands's embrace.
"I love you, Tansho," he whispers into my ear, his voice clear and full of vigor as I have always known it to be. "Wait for me. I will come back."
"I will," I answer without hesitation, "I know that I will see you again, Tasuki." I pull away to look at him, my eyes shining with the wildness of my love within me. "I love you."
And with that, he slips his boot into the stirrup, and hauls himself upon his saddle. With the last calls of farewells, I watch my husband ride away from me towards the south gates of the palace that will lead him into the center of the city. He will ride with his companions to the gates of the capital, and from there to the battlefields on the eastern border. And when he reaches that place of steel and blood and fire and death, he will fight as I have told him to fight. He will fight for those he loves, for Konan, and for himself. And he will be magnificent.
A/N: Hey there, guys!!! I'm finally back. See, I promised you that I'd get the next chapter up if it killed me. And, believe me, I had to go through some tough shit to get things worked out with my damn laptop. ^_^ Thank you immensely for being so patient. Thank you so much!!! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and I promise not to ever make you wait that long again for another update (if I can help it. ^_^)
Luv you all!
Aama