A/N: Hello there!! I bet you guys have been wondering where the hell I've
been, huh? Well, the A/N at the end of the chapter will explain my long
absence if you're wondering. I hope you like this chapter. I've always
thought it was one of the most romantic that once again shows the depth of
Tansho and Tasuki's relationship and the love they have for each other.
Make sure to leave some reviews on how you like it! ^_^
Chapter 58
As We Should Be
I return to my bathing room to see my poor husband struggling to stand, his injured arm wrapped around his bruised chest, his good arm bracing his weight on the side of the bath. I sigh in exasperation and hurry to his side, scolding him for not calling for me to help.
"I ain't that bad off," he protests as I kick my slippers off and wade into the luke-warm water to help him. I bend down, slip his good arm over my shoulders, and gently assist him as he rises from the jade-tiled bath. "It just hurts a little, that's all," he insists. I pay no attention to him, only keep my side pressed to his so that he doesn't slip and injure himself further on the hard surface of the bathing room floor. I don't even notice that one entire side of my silk outer robe is now soaking wet from being pressed to him. I leave him standing for a moment as I go to fetch a towel, then briskly wrap it around his shoulders to help him dry off.
I smile at him as I rub his arms and chest gently, then tie the towel around his waist, my fingertips lingering on his abdomen for a long moment afterward. With his hurt arm curled tight to his side, he bends and places a soft kiss on my brow. "What am I supposed to wear until tomorrow?" he breathes into my ear, his tantalizing warm breath heating my skin.
"Wait here," I respond, trying to seem indifferent to his seductiveness.
I turn quickly and make my way across the bathing room and into my sleeping quarters, where I open my wardrobe and select one of my many sleeping gowns. It will have to do until morning. I return with it in hand, and am instantly greeted with a hesitant expression on my darling husband's handsome face.
"That ain't for me, is it?"
"Well, I can't have you running around in my room naked in the winter time. You're already hurt; I don't want you catching a cold," I answer, motioning for him to turn around so that I can slip the robe over his shoulders. He gives me an obviously irritated look, but I ignore it and gently pull the gown up his arms. The hem barely falls past his knees, but for some reason, it suits him. When I run my hands over his back and shoulders, smoothing the black satin over his skin, I am intrigued to find that the muscles there have altered somewhat. They have become thicker and firmer from the many weeks and months of wielding a sword in battle. Unconsciously, my palms linger on Tasuki's shoulder, pressing gently into his skin as I learn the contours of his new shapes. He notices and turns around slowly to face me, my hands sliding from his back as he does so. His uninjured arm curls around my waist, bringing our bodies closer to each other. I am more than happy to give in to his soft embrace, and I lean into him carefully, not wanting to upset his bad arm. But his arm tightens unexpectedly and I am suddenly pressed into his chest, my chin pushed up by the force of his pull so that my face is angled upwards toward his. My eyes look inside of his gingerly, wondering, curious, and loving, wanting to talk to him so badly. The time for words has passed, but it will come again soon. Now it is time to catch up on the months that we have missed being together.
He smiles down at me, his soft emerald and golden eyes glowing in the fire light that leaks in from my sleeping quarters. "Are you sleepy?" he asks, sliding his hand from my waist to my spine, his fingertips pressing gently into me.
"Not really."
"Wanna go to bed anyways?"
"Yes."
He lowers his face closer to mine and brushes my cheeks with his lips, making my arms unable to continue hanging lifeless at my sides. My hands awaken and reach out for him, wrapping securely around his waist and pulling his hips toward mine suggestively. He laughs deep in his throat, more like a heavy breath, and I grab handfuls of the black satin sleeping robe in response, keeping him pressed to me.
We walk slowly out of the steam-filled air of the bathing room and towards the bed chamber, warm from the strong fire burning in the hearth. He follows after me, his hand in mine, and just as we reach our bed, Naho's demure little knock sounds at my door. Reluctantly, I release my husband's hand and leave him by the bed to answer the door. His eyes follow me as if they're afraid I'm running away.
Naho beams as I open the door, her small hands full of rolls of thick, white gauze and a small ceramic bottle. "For Master Tasuki, my lady," she replies shyly, "The physician said to rub the ointment directly on the bruises and wounds and bandage immediately before it dries. He should feel much better by morning. And Master Tasuki's clothing will be ready by morning as well, my lady"
I take the burden from my darling little handmaiden and lean over to kiss her cheek. "Thank you, Naho. You may return to your room now if you'd like." She bows slightly to me, and as she returns to her rooms I see her tiny hand come up to cradle her cheek, pressing against the spot where I kissed her. My dear little Naho. How she has grown on me in these last few months.
I push the door closed with my hip, my best tool when my arms are preoccupied, and saunter back to my bed where Tasuki sits contentedly, a drunken-looking smile spread over his face.
"What are you smiling about?" I inquire happily as I place the bandages and ointment bottle next to him.
"It feels good just to sit on something other than the ground, a log, or a horse," he answers, his voice lazy, his eyelids drooping happily. "Real damn good."
I smile in sympathy, but say nothing. Instead, I turn my attention to the gauze and ointment waiting to be applied to my injured husband. "Slip out of the sleeves," I instruct him, picking up the little jar of ointment and inspecting it. I open the lid to smell it and find that it's scent is actually quite nice – like herbs mixed with the rain. Sweet and thick, but light and airy as well. Tasuki does as I ask and undresses from the waist up, revealing the dark bruises that are spread across one side of his chest and side, the ribs that obviously sustained the injury. I touch him gently with my fingertips, prodding softly to check for any broken ribs. I think I detect a cracked one, but none have broken noticeably; most are just severely bruised. He grunts and moans as I rub the sweet ointment into his discolored skin, but sighs when I begin caressing it gently beneath my palm to counterattack the brisk rubbing. I then carefully bind his chest with the thick gauze, wrapping it around his chest and under his arms, and then over his injured shoulder to protect the arrow wound. When I'm done with that, I fashion a new sling from the remaining bandages and situate his arm in it so that it's easier to keep immobile.
After putting away the remaining bandages and ointment and letting the dirty water out of the bath, I turn down the covers of my bed and help my husband climb in. He's still naked from the waist up, but the thick gauze hides his chest and one shoulder from my view, as well as the harsh bruises beneath them. He eases onto his back and I slip in beside him, pressing myself gently to his side. With his injured arm resting across his stomach, he wraps his good arm around my shoulders and holds me to him, pulling me closer.
We lie silent and motionless for a long time, simply taking comfort in the soothing warmth of the burning hearth and in each other. I listen to his breathing, watching the rise and fall of his bandaged chest. He holds my hand in his, mindlessly caressing my knuckles with his thumb. He breaks the warm silence unexpectedly, but I'm not startled at all by the sound of his voice. He could shout in my ear without warning and I think I would still crack a smile of happiness just to hear his voice.
"His Highness's funeral is tomorrow," he reveals, turning to look at me. "Before he's placed in his tomb, Lady Hoki has asked that me and Chichiri come to privately pay our last respects to him – I guess that's what you would call it." His eyes glow beautifully in the light of the fire, but they are dark and clouded, making his grief obvious. I have always loved him the most when he is this way – trusting me entirely with his soul. "I would like you to come with me, Tan," he continues, those deep-set, sorrowful eyes still watching me closely. I shift higher on the bed so that my head rests closer to his on the pillows, and I press my lips to his cheek.
"Of course," I whisper, smiling gently.
"It feels like there's so much we haven't told each other," Tasuki suddenly replies, his eyebrows narrowing. "It feels so strange, kinda like rain hanging in the air that won't come down." He sighs and moves his head so that our foreheads are pressed together. "I guess it's 'cause we've spent so much time apart, and I told you everything so quickly. What's been going on here, by the way? Anything interesting?"
My mind searches within itself, looking for memories, but the ones I find seem small and minuscule compared to the ones my husband has shared with me. I spent my days in the company of the courtesans, lounging around the seraglio like a lazy cat, and every now and then I'd venture into the city to visit Asako and Mayonaka or shop in the markets. These months have been the most peaceful and relaxing times of my life up until now, and yet they've also been the most boring and insignificant in many ways. During my days in the harem, I've never felt so safe and alive and free, and yet I've never felt so alone and sad and bored.
"Nothing really interesting," I admit, "It's been like one, long wonderful vacation." I then look him straight in his unearthly eyes and I smile broadly. "I can't wait to go home."
When Tasuki hears this, I see every contour and angle of his beautiful face ignite in happiness. "The mountain?" he whispers. I nod and flip over onto my side so that I can press myself closer to him.
"Yes, the mountain," I reply. "I should tell you something that I've decided. And I've only just decided it right this moment."
"What is it?"
"I've decided that I don't want to stop in my town or try to find my family. I want to go with you straight to Reikaku."
He gives me a sharp, worried look. "Tan, are you sure? You really don't want to see them?"
"It's not that I don't want to see them," I correct him quickly, "It's just that I don't know what good my showing up would do. Of course I would love to see them and see how they're doing, but I don't want to hurt myself in the process. They could all be gone for all I know, and what would that do to me if I went looking for them only to find out that they moved away – or worse – if they're dead? I don't want to hurt myself anymore, Tasuki. I just want to be happy. And I think I'll be happy not knowing where they are, what they're doing, and if they're well."
His hand tightens around mine as he nods his head slowly and steadily. "Ok, then," he replies softly, "We'll leave as soon as possible – and go straight to the mountain. No stops."
I only smile as thanks for his understanding and shift towards to edge of the bed, making him release my hand. "Where're you goin'?" he asks, trying to sit up but unable to without wincing. He gives up and flops back down.
"No where," I assure him, "I just need to change into a sleeping robe so that I don't wrinkle this gown I'm wearing." Satisfied that I'm not trying to run away, he relaxes back into the softness of my bed and sighs deeply.
"I may be bruised up, but it's been a damn long time since I felt this good," he remarks happily, a smirk on his tired face. "I prayed every day to Suzaku to let me survive this damn war if only long enough to take you to Mount Reikaku and let you see it again, like it was when you were a little girl." As I slip off the outer and under robes of the gown I watch his eyes follow my movements, then drift away into the distance as if he can see Reikaku there. I slip on a simple blue satin sleeping robe and climb back into bed with my husband. He promptly re-wraps his uninjured arm around me and pulls me close, enveloping me in the warmth of his skin and his body.
I think for a long time about the mountain, and about what my life might be like there with Tasuki and Koji and the other bandits. Will I be accepted by them? Will they approve of their boss having a wife, the only woman in the fortress? I would be more than happy to become their maid if it would win them over. I've never minded cooking or cleaning or washing clothes. That could be my job – to take care of everyone. I sure as hell don't plan on spending my days lounging around the fortress like I did in the seraglio, doing absolutely nothing and expecting to be happy. I plan on working my ass off, not just for them, but for myself as well. It's time that I work my hands for the sake of myself and those that I love -- like Asako is doing. It's time that I begin to truly live my life as I know it should be lived.
But there is this weight pressing on the corners of my heart, trying to tell me something, trying to make me remember something, but I cannot. I hear Tasuki's voice in the distance, unknowing of the sudden turmoil inside my mind, but I am lost in my thoughts. Something is there, just beyond my reach, something I know I must tell him. I know how important it is. And I know that whatever it is, I have somehow managed to lock it away inside my heart. I know it hurt me. I know it damaged my spirit. But what was it? What happened to me?
Tasuki takes notice of my odd behavior. I feel his eyes on me, watching me, worrying over me, trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
"Tan," he says, his voice unsure, "Tansho, what's wrong?"
I feel his hands on my arms, trying to calm me. I wish I could tell him, but I myself don't remember. He holds me for a long time, whispering to me as I begin to tremble gently in his embrace, asking me to tell him what's wrong. And I try over and over to clear my thoughts and open my memory, but there is nothing there. Does it have something to do with my childhood, or with the brothel perhaps?
And then, I remember. I lay still in my husband's arms and return to that night that was months ago but still so unfairly close to me. There was blood on my fingers Blood on the linens. On my thighs. On my night gown. Everywhere and all around me. I moan in despair and press my eyelids closed, turning in Tasuki's embrace, burying myself in his bandaged chest to try to escape the vision of me in my blood-soaked linens. My scream echoes through my head as clearly as the night I released it.
No, I beg. No, not now. Not when I'm so close to being happy. Not when everything is over and everything is ready to return to the place it should be. Don't come back to me now, just when Tasuki's come back to me safely.
But no matter how hard I beg and fight, it is still undeniably here in my mind again, knowing that it is time to be told. Now even more concerned with my strange behavior, Tasuki shifts closer to me and studies me for a moment.
"What's wrong, Tansho?" his softly accented voice whispers, his words so close to my ear.
I remain silent for a long time, longer than I should, before I find the courage to begin. Yes, it is time. It must be said. It is very possible to keep it hidden safely in the corners of my mind and heart for years to come, but I simply cannot do that. My soul was far too wounded by what happened, and I love my husband far too much to keep from him what he has a right to know about. He is not the kind to blame me, so I cannot understand my anxiety and my trembling hands. He would never blame me or curse me or be angry with me at all. Upset. Yes, of course. Sad. Yes, of course. But I expect these things. I do not, however, expect what he does.
"There's something that I need to tell you about," I begin timidly, angling my face toward his so that the deep gentleness of his eyes can comfort me. "Something happened after you left for Hokkan, something that wounded me deeply and left a scar that I don't think will ever heal completely." I feel my throat begin to constrict, but I force my way through it, determined. But I never get a chance to continue, because his eyes are gazing at me so softly, so carefully, and so mournfully that they halt my words completely, and suddenly he is speaking instead of me.
"I know, Tansho," he says, his voice a deep sorrowful whisper that tightens my chest until I can barely breathe.
"You know – what?" I manage to choke out in response, unconsciously moving even closer to him as if it could keep him from pushing me away, or keep me from running away.
"I know that you had a miscarriage not long after I left."
A soft moan spills from my mouth unexpectedly, and I don't have time to try to conceal it and keep myself composed. My eyes drift closed and I bury my face in the warm shelter of my palms. My shoulders begin to tremble and suddenly I am crying so hard and so deep that my sobs echo like thunder off the walls and crash back into me mercilessly. I try to shift my body away from my husband's, but he grabs me forcefully and pulls me back to him, using both arms to curl my body tightly into his. He holds me as if he must restrain me from injuring myself, and never before in my life have I ever felt so safe. And as I weep and sob and cry endlessly, Tasuki cradles me and whispers to me all the while.
"Tansho," he says, his voice purposefully loud so that I can hear him all the way into my soul. "I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there to be with you when you needed me. You must understand that it wasn't your fault. It was no one's fault. It was meant to happen, so it did. And I'm so sorry." He keeps his arms wrapped around me and whispers the words again and again in my ear.
"How did you find out?" I finally manage to mutter into his naked shoulder.
"Asako told me."
My eyes rise to look into his. Asako? So it was her who found me and cleaned me and put me back to bed? I had always thought it was Mayonaka who found me in my room, unconscious and bleeding. All along, it was Asako, and she never told me?
"Asako," I whisper, closing my eyes. I thank her silently for loving me and caring for me so much. My dear second mother, my kindred soul. I love her more now that ever before.
I then become interested. When did they ever talk long enough in private for her to tell him something like this? I ask him this, and he only smiles gently at me.
"She found time," is his simple response.
His fingers run gently over my face, wiping away the streams of tears and bringing back the color to my face. He presses a kiss to my forehead, then to my lips, and I smile in response. He accepts it, and he understands it, and he doesn't blame me. He is my husband, and I am his wife, and there are no more secrets left to tell. We know all and we are as we should be.
I mold myself deeper into my beloved's body, wrapping my arms around him and pulling his face even closer. My lips slide across his, then press delicately into them, coaxing them to life. His fingers drift upward to curl themselves into my hair, keeping me close to him as our mouths slide and press and open for each other peacefully and contentedly. And soon we are lost in each other again, all memories of the past returned to the corners of our hearts and minds. And all that remains in this world is us.
A/N: Hey there, all!! I know you probably thought I was dead since it's been, like, a damn month or something since my last update. But, no, I'm alive! ^_^ I've just been going through some interesting times in my life and getting used to new things (I've moved out of my house and into the campus dorms, which has brought on quite a lot of changes that I rather like ^_^) But anyways, I just want to let you all know how thankful I am for your reviews. I'd love to reply to them, but I'm kinda in a hurry, so I promise to do it next time, OK? Thanks again for all the reviews. Like always, they encourage me so much, so thanks with all my heart! Luv ya!
Aama
Chapter 58
As We Should Be
I return to my bathing room to see my poor husband struggling to stand, his injured arm wrapped around his bruised chest, his good arm bracing his weight on the side of the bath. I sigh in exasperation and hurry to his side, scolding him for not calling for me to help.
"I ain't that bad off," he protests as I kick my slippers off and wade into the luke-warm water to help him. I bend down, slip his good arm over my shoulders, and gently assist him as he rises from the jade-tiled bath. "It just hurts a little, that's all," he insists. I pay no attention to him, only keep my side pressed to his so that he doesn't slip and injure himself further on the hard surface of the bathing room floor. I don't even notice that one entire side of my silk outer robe is now soaking wet from being pressed to him. I leave him standing for a moment as I go to fetch a towel, then briskly wrap it around his shoulders to help him dry off.
I smile at him as I rub his arms and chest gently, then tie the towel around his waist, my fingertips lingering on his abdomen for a long moment afterward. With his hurt arm curled tight to his side, he bends and places a soft kiss on my brow. "What am I supposed to wear until tomorrow?" he breathes into my ear, his tantalizing warm breath heating my skin.
"Wait here," I respond, trying to seem indifferent to his seductiveness.
I turn quickly and make my way across the bathing room and into my sleeping quarters, where I open my wardrobe and select one of my many sleeping gowns. It will have to do until morning. I return with it in hand, and am instantly greeted with a hesitant expression on my darling husband's handsome face.
"That ain't for me, is it?"
"Well, I can't have you running around in my room naked in the winter time. You're already hurt; I don't want you catching a cold," I answer, motioning for him to turn around so that I can slip the robe over his shoulders. He gives me an obviously irritated look, but I ignore it and gently pull the gown up his arms. The hem barely falls past his knees, but for some reason, it suits him. When I run my hands over his back and shoulders, smoothing the black satin over his skin, I am intrigued to find that the muscles there have altered somewhat. They have become thicker and firmer from the many weeks and months of wielding a sword in battle. Unconsciously, my palms linger on Tasuki's shoulder, pressing gently into his skin as I learn the contours of his new shapes. He notices and turns around slowly to face me, my hands sliding from his back as he does so. His uninjured arm curls around my waist, bringing our bodies closer to each other. I am more than happy to give in to his soft embrace, and I lean into him carefully, not wanting to upset his bad arm. But his arm tightens unexpectedly and I am suddenly pressed into his chest, my chin pushed up by the force of his pull so that my face is angled upwards toward his. My eyes look inside of his gingerly, wondering, curious, and loving, wanting to talk to him so badly. The time for words has passed, but it will come again soon. Now it is time to catch up on the months that we have missed being together.
He smiles down at me, his soft emerald and golden eyes glowing in the fire light that leaks in from my sleeping quarters. "Are you sleepy?" he asks, sliding his hand from my waist to my spine, his fingertips pressing gently into me.
"Not really."
"Wanna go to bed anyways?"
"Yes."
He lowers his face closer to mine and brushes my cheeks with his lips, making my arms unable to continue hanging lifeless at my sides. My hands awaken and reach out for him, wrapping securely around his waist and pulling his hips toward mine suggestively. He laughs deep in his throat, more like a heavy breath, and I grab handfuls of the black satin sleeping robe in response, keeping him pressed to me.
We walk slowly out of the steam-filled air of the bathing room and towards the bed chamber, warm from the strong fire burning in the hearth. He follows after me, his hand in mine, and just as we reach our bed, Naho's demure little knock sounds at my door. Reluctantly, I release my husband's hand and leave him by the bed to answer the door. His eyes follow me as if they're afraid I'm running away.
Naho beams as I open the door, her small hands full of rolls of thick, white gauze and a small ceramic bottle. "For Master Tasuki, my lady," she replies shyly, "The physician said to rub the ointment directly on the bruises and wounds and bandage immediately before it dries. He should feel much better by morning. And Master Tasuki's clothing will be ready by morning as well, my lady"
I take the burden from my darling little handmaiden and lean over to kiss her cheek. "Thank you, Naho. You may return to your room now if you'd like." She bows slightly to me, and as she returns to her rooms I see her tiny hand come up to cradle her cheek, pressing against the spot where I kissed her. My dear little Naho. How she has grown on me in these last few months.
I push the door closed with my hip, my best tool when my arms are preoccupied, and saunter back to my bed where Tasuki sits contentedly, a drunken-looking smile spread over his face.
"What are you smiling about?" I inquire happily as I place the bandages and ointment bottle next to him.
"It feels good just to sit on something other than the ground, a log, or a horse," he answers, his voice lazy, his eyelids drooping happily. "Real damn good."
I smile in sympathy, but say nothing. Instead, I turn my attention to the gauze and ointment waiting to be applied to my injured husband. "Slip out of the sleeves," I instruct him, picking up the little jar of ointment and inspecting it. I open the lid to smell it and find that it's scent is actually quite nice – like herbs mixed with the rain. Sweet and thick, but light and airy as well. Tasuki does as I ask and undresses from the waist up, revealing the dark bruises that are spread across one side of his chest and side, the ribs that obviously sustained the injury. I touch him gently with my fingertips, prodding softly to check for any broken ribs. I think I detect a cracked one, but none have broken noticeably; most are just severely bruised. He grunts and moans as I rub the sweet ointment into his discolored skin, but sighs when I begin caressing it gently beneath my palm to counterattack the brisk rubbing. I then carefully bind his chest with the thick gauze, wrapping it around his chest and under his arms, and then over his injured shoulder to protect the arrow wound. When I'm done with that, I fashion a new sling from the remaining bandages and situate his arm in it so that it's easier to keep immobile.
After putting away the remaining bandages and ointment and letting the dirty water out of the bath, I turn down the covers of my bed and help my husband climb in. He's still naked from the waist up, but the thick gauze hides his chest and one shoulder from my view, as well as the harsh bruises beneath them. He eases onto his back and I slip in beside him, pressing myself gently to his side. With his injured arm resting across his stomach, he wraps his good arm around my shoulders and holds me to him, pulling me closer.
We lie silent and motionless for a long time, simply taking comfort in the soothing warmth of the burning hearth and in each other. I listen to his breathing, watching the rise and fall of his bandaged chest. He holds my hand in his, mindlessly caressing my knuckles with his thumb. He breaks the warm silence unexpectedly, but I'm not startled at all by the sound of his voice. He could shout in my ear without warning and I think I would still crack a smile of happiness just to hear his voice.
"His Highness's funeral is tomorrow," he reveals, turning to look at me. "Before he's placed in his tomb, Lady Hoki has asked that me and Chichiri come to privately pay our last respects to him – I guess that's what you would call it." His eyes glow beautifully in the light of the fire, but they are dark and clouded, making his grief obvious. I have always loved him the most when he is this way – trusting me entirely with his soul. "I would like you to come with me, Tan," he continues, those deep-set, sorrowful eyes still watching me closely. I shift higher on the bed so that my head rests closer to his on the pillows, and I press my lips to his cheek.
"Of course," I whisper, smiling gently.
"It feels like there's so much we haven't told each other," Tasuki suddenly replies, his eyebrows narrowing. "It feels so strange, kinda like rain hanging in the air that won't come down." He sighs and moves his head so that our foreheads are pressed together. "I guess it's 'cause we've spent so much time apart, and I told you everything so quickly. What's been going on here, by the way? Anything interesting?"
My mind searches within itself, looking for memories, but the ones I find seem small and minuscule compared to the ones my husband has shared with me. I spent my days in the company of the courtesans, lounging around the seraglio like a lazy cat, and every now and then I'd venture into the city to visit Asako and Mayonaka or shop in the markets. These months have been the most peaceful and relaxing times of my life up until now, and yet they've also been the most boring and insignificant in many ways. During my days in the harem, I've never felt so safe and alive and free, and yet I've never felt so alone and sad and bored.
"Nothing really interesting," I admit, "It's been like one, long wonderful vacation." I then look him straight in his unearthly eyes and I smile broadly. "I can't wait to go home."
When Tasuki hears this, I see every contour and angle of his beautiful face ignite in happiness. "The mountain?" he whispers. I nod and flip over onto my side so that I can press myself closer to him.
"Yes, the mountain," I reply. "I should tell you something that I've decided. And I've only just decided it right this moment."
"What is it?"
"I've decided that I don't want to stop in my town or try to find my family. I want to go with you straight to Reikaku."
He gives me a sharp, worried look. "Tan, are you sure? You really don't want to see them?"
"It's not that I don't want to see them," I correct him quickly, "It's just that I don't know what good my showing up would do. Of course I would love to see them and see how they're doing, but I don't want to hurt myself in the process. They could all be gone for all I know, and what would that do to me if I went looking for them only to find out that they moved away – or worse – if they're dead? I don't want to hurt myself anymore, Tasuki. I just want to be happy. And I think I'll be happy not knowing where they are, what they're doing, and if they're well."
His hand tightens around mine as he nods his head slowly and steadily. "Ok, then," he replies softly, "We'll leave as soon as possible – and go straight to the mountain. No stops."
I only smile as thanks for his understanding and shift towards to edge of the bed, making him release my hand. "Where're you goin'?" he asks, trying to sit up but unable to without wincing. He gives up and flops back down.
"No where," I assure him, "I just need to change into a sleeping robe so that I don't wrinkle this gown I'm wearing." Satisfied that I'm not trying to run away, he relaxes back into the softness of my bed and sighs deeply.
"I may be bruised up, but it's been a damn long time since I felt this good," he remarks happily, a smirk on his tired face. "I prayed every day to Suzaku to let me survive this damn war if only long enough to take you to Mount Reikaku and let you see it again, like it was when you were a little girl." As I slip off the outer and under robes of the gown I watch his eyes follow my movements, then drift away into the distance as if he can see Reikaku there. I slip on a simple blue satin sleeping robe and climb back into bed with my husband. He promptly re-wraps his uninjured arm around me and pulls me close, enveloping me in the warmth of his skin and his body.
I think for a long time about the mountain, and about what my life might be like there with Tasuki and Koji and the other bandits. Will I be accepted by them? Will they approve of their boss having a wife, the only woman in the fortress? I would be more than happy to become their maid if it would win them over. I've never minded cooking or cleaning or washing clothes. That could be my job – to take care of everyone. I sure as hell don't plan on spending my days lounging around the fortress like I did in the seraglio, doing absolutely nothing and expecting to be happy. I plan on working my ass off, not just for them, but for myself as well. It's time that I work my hands for the sake of myself and those that I love -- like Asako is doing. It's time that I begin to truly live my life as I know it should be lived.
But there is this weight pressing on the corners of my heart, trying to tell me something, trying to make me remember something, but I cannot. I hear Tasuki's voice in the distance, unknowing of the sudden turmoil inside my mind, but I am lost in my thoughts. Something is there, just beyond my reach, something I know I must tell him. I know how important it is. And I know that whatever it is, I have somehow managed to lock it away inside my heart. I know it hurt me. I know it damaged my spirit. But what was it? What happened to me?
Tasuki takes notice of my odd behavior. I feel his eyes on me, watching me, worrying over me, trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
"Tan," he says, his voice unsure, "Tansho, what's wrong?"
I feel his hands on my arms, trying to calm me. I wish I could tell him, but I myself don't remember. He holds me for a long time, whispering to me as I begin to tremble gently in his embrace, asking me to tell him what's wrong. And I try over and over to clear my thoughts and open my memory, but there is nothing there. Does it have something to do with my childhood, or with the brothel perhaps?
And then, I remember. I lay still in my husband's arms and return to that night that was months ago but still so unfairly close to me. There was blood on my fingers Blood on the linens. On my thighs. On my night gown. Everywhere and all around me. I moan in despair and press my eyelids closed, turning in Tasuki's embrace, burying myself in his bandaged chest to try to escape the vision of me in my blood-soaked linens. My scream echoes through my head as clearly as the night I released it.
No, I beg. No, not now. Not when I'm so close to being happy. Not when everything is over and everything is ready to return to the place it should be. Don't come back to me now, just when Tasuki's come back to me safely.
But no matter how hard I beg and fight, it is still undeniably here in my mind again, knowing that it is time to be told. Now even more concerned with my strange behavior, Tasuki shifts closer to me and studies me for a moment.
"What's wrong, Tansho?" his softly accented voice whispers, his words so close to my ear.
I remain silent for a long time, longer than I should, before I find the courage to begin. Yes, it is time. It must be said. It is very possible to keep it hidden safely in the corners of my mind and heart for years to come, but I simply cannot do that. My soul was far too wounded by what happened, and I love my husband far too much to keep from him what he has a right to know about. He is not the kind to blame me, so I cannot understand my anxiety and my trembling hands. He would never blame me or curse me or be angry with me at all. Upset. Yes, of course. Sad. Yes, of course. But I expect these things. I do not, however, expect what he does.
"There's something that I need to tell you about," I begin timidly, angling my face toward his so that the deep gentleness of his eyes can comfort me. "Something happened after you left for Hokkan, something that wounded me deeply and left a scar that I don't think will ever heal completely." I feel my throat begin to constrict, but I force my way through it, determined. But I never get a chance to continue, because his eyes are gazing at me so softly, so carefully, and so mournfully that they halt my words completely, and suddenly he is speaking instead of me.
"I know, Tansho," he says, his voice a deep sorrowful whisper that tightens my chest until I can barely breathe.
"You know – what?" I manage to choke out in response, unconsciously moving even closer to him as if it could keep him from pushing me away, or keep me from running away.
"I know that you had a miscarriage not long after I left."
A soft moan spills from my mouth unexpectedly, and I don't have time to try to conceal it and keep myself composed. My eyes drift closed and I bury my face in the warm shelter of my palms. My shoulders begin to tremble and suddenly I am crying so hard and so deep that my sobs echo like thunder off the walls and crash back into me mercilessly. I try to shift my body away from my husband's, but he grabs me forcefully and pulls me back to him, using both arms to curl my body tightly into his. He holds me as if he must restrain me from injuring myself, and never before in my life have I ever felt so safe. And as I weep and sob and cry endlessly, Tasuki cradles me and whispers to me all the while.
"Tansho," he says, his voice purposefully loud so that I can hear him all the way into my soul. "I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there to be with you when you needed me. You must understand that it wasn't your fault. It was no one's fault. It was meant to happen, so it did. And I'm so sorry." He keeps his arms wrapped around me and whispers the words again and again in my ear.
"How did you find out?" I finally manage to mutter into his naked shoulder.
"Asako told me."
My eyes rise to look into his. Asako? So it was her who found me and cleaned me and put me back to bed? I had always thought it was Mayonaka who found me in my room, unconscious and bleeding. All along, it was Asako, and she never told me?
"Asako," I whisper, closing my eyes. I thank her silently for loving me and caring for me so much. My dear second mother, my kindred soul. I love her more now that ever before.
I then become interested. When did they ever talk long enough in private for her to tell him something like this? I ask him this, and he only smiles gently at me.
"She found time," is his simple response.
His fingers run gently over my face, wiping away the streams of tears and bringing back the color to my face. He presses a kiss to my forehead, then to my lips, and I smile in response. He accepts it, and he understands it, and he doesn't blame me. He is my husband, and I am his wife, and there are no more secrets left to tell. We know all and we are as we should be.
I mold myself deeper into my beloved's body, wrapping my arms around him and pulling his face even closer. My lips slide across his, then press delicately into them, coaxing them to life. His fingers drift upward to curl themselves into my hair, keeping me close to him as our mouths slide and press and open for each other peacefully and contentedly. And soon we are lost in each other again, all memories of the past returned to the corners of our hearts and minds. And all that remains in this world is us.
A/N: Hey there, all!! I know you probably thought I was dead since it's been, like, a damn month or something since my last update. But, no, I'm alive! ^_^ I've just been going through some interesting times in my life and getting used to new things (I've moved out of my house and into the campus dorms, which has brought on quite a lot of changes that I rather like ^_^) But anyways, I just want to let you all know how thankful I am for your reviews. I'd love to reply to them, but I'm kinda in a hurry, so I promise to do it next time, OK? Thanks again for all the reviews. Like always, they encourage me so much, so thanks with all my heart! Luv ya!
Aama