Chapter 60
These Days That Pass
I stand here alone now, my eyes still blinded by the stunning crimson glow that had erupted from the air like fire. It had spread around the room, moving like fog, glistening and shimmering, enveloping Chichiri and Tasuki within itself. And then they were gone. And now I am left standing here, my eyes still blind, my mind still numb and spinning, remembering the last words that had passed between my husband and I as he unwound the bandages from his injured torso and pulled on the cotton undershirt I had fetched from my chambers.
"I don't know how long I'll be gone," he had said, and I had both loved and hated him for telling me this. Perhaps it will be best if I not know when to expect him back, so that I can't worry once the expected day has passed. But if I knew when to expect him, maybe it would strengthen my hope.
"I once heard His Highness mention that a single day in Miaka's world is like an entire month here," Chichiri offered, though the sound of his voice made it obvious that he wasn't quite sure whether this information would help or hurt Tasuki and I. Both of us had closed our eyes in dread, and Chichiri had looked as if he had the weight of hell on his shoulders. I smiled warmly at him to tell him I knew he meant no harm.
And then I had grabbed my husband, pulling him to me to hold. I wanted to try to memorize him quickly, to remember the way his freshly washed shirt smelled against my cheek, to remember the pressure of his hands on my trembling shoulders. These are the things I just got back. These are the things I am losing once again.
He had said that he loved me now more than ever, though he didn't explain why. I don't think he had an explanation. He just felt it, and said what he felt – just as he always had done. I told him that I loved him as well, and that I will do so forever. Our parting was brief and as painless as possible. I am glad for this, but now I am beginning to hurt.
I had watched him shrug the strange brown bag on his shoulders and take his place next to Chichiri. The monk closed his eyes and narrowed his brow in concentration, his palm resting firmly on his comrade's shoulder. Tasuki had looked at me one last time, his gaze pure and strong, and closed his eyes. And then they were gone, swallowed in the midst of the crimson light that had sprung up around them. Suzaku had come to take them to their Priestess, and I felt him moving all around me as I watched my husband fade inside the red mist of the god's presence. A few moments later, the room was bare, save for me.
I stand here now, alone and suspended in a state of shock, disbelief, and uncertainty. I have lost him again. Again. Just like before. Again. This is all that my mind can process, all that it can say in the confines of my skull. Before I know what I'm doing, I am on the floor of the bedroom, on my hands and knees, my fingers clutching at the place where he once stood only seconds ago. My fingernails scratch hopelessly at the hard wood floor even though I know that I cannot un-dig him from the earth. He has been taken somewhere far away, somewhere that I can never go and never be. And he is gone. I am left here.
Finally, my heart bursts open and I am able to cry at last. As my hurt flows from me, I caress the floor, and soon I have collapsed, my cheek resting against the place where the sole of his boot once stood. I weep and allow myself to drift away from the world of the living, to the place of sleep and rest, hoping to find solace there. And I find it, nestled in soft darkness, waiting for me.
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I wake up quickly but gently, like being shook by soft hands, and my eyes open to see a fire burning steadily in a hearth. I finally realize that I'm in my own room when I rotate my face to either side and see the numerous, multi-colored pillows that could adorn only my bed. And I recognize my lavender coverlet and my white canopy and the softness of my linens. A heavy, deep sigh seeps out from between my lips.
"You're finally awake, eh, Little One?"
My head jerks to the foot of my bed, and sitting there at the small table, helping herself to a tray full of food, is Asako. Her eyes smile at me, taking over for her mouth, which is full of some sort of food, and she winks mischievously. I sit up in my bed and see that my waist-length hair has been braided to keep it from getting tangled during sleep and that I'm wrapped up warmly in one of my many sleeping gowns. Did Asako bring me to my room? How long has she been in the palace? How long has she been here in my room?
"Well, Tansho, aren't you going to ask how I've been?" she replies, lifting an eyebrow and smirking at me. "You haven't come to see me for awhile, so I decided to come see you. And what do I find? Two servant girls struggling to haul you back to your room."
"What?" I mumble, rubbing my eyes to clear them of sleep.
"Yes," she remarks, "One told me she was your handmaid and had gone looking for you after you didn't return to your room. She and another girl found you in a vacant room on the far side of the palace, unconscious and sprawled out on the floor."
"Naho..." I whisper. Poor little Naho. How I have worried that poor darling girl since I have been in her care.
Asako seems to read my mind. "Don't' worry about your little handmaid. She knows you're in good hands. Now, tell me what the hell happened to you!" She takes a final bite of rice, then gets up and comes to sit beside me on the bed.
"I don't really know. I just couldn't take it. I just–"
"You just couldn't bear to see him leave you again," she says softly, finishing my sentence. I begin to ask her how she even knew that Tasuki was gone again, but she cuts me off for a second time. "Okichi told me. The Empress had revealed to her what had happened in the emperor's chambers – you know, the voice coming from the sky – and when she found out I was here, she hurried over here and told me. You've missed quite a lot of action, my dear." She smiles whole-heartedly, proudly showing the black gaps in her teeth.
"Is Okichi still here?" I ask, looking around faintly. "It's been days since I've seen her."
"Of course it's been days, silly. She's just like you. When a woman's man comes back from war, I should expect her to be preoccupied for quite a long while."
Tokizo. How could I have forgotten about my darling Tokizo? I close my eyes and say a quick prayer to Suzaku, thanking him with all my heart for bring my dear friend safely back to his new love. I will have to go visit him soon; it's been far too long since we last spoke. I smile and breathe in deeply, happiness beginning to flow slowly back into me. I lean sideways and bump my shoulder into Asako's. It's been far too long since I last spoke with her as well. I lean my head gently on her solid shoulder, and smile contentedly when she rests her cheek on the crown of my head, nuzzling me.
"How I've missed you, Little One," she whispers, and I can feel her smile.
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Asako stays with me for several days, and it doesn't take long to realize how badly I needed her and how thankful I am that she's here. We are all together again – me, Asako, Koi, Okichi, and Misa – all of us as we were in the Black Dove, but this time we are free and unburdened. And we are able to laugh and shout and act like fools just as young women should, not worrying about anything but our own happiness. We spend the days in the seraglio, eating sweets beneath the magnolia trees, or shopping in the markets, or strolling through the dozens of gardens sprawled throughout the palace. One day Asako takes us all to see Mayonaka, and we spend the day in her home, welcoming patients with her, talking, eating, laughing, and just being women.
I sense my darling Asako's happiness wafting from her skin like smoke. It surrounds her on all sides, protecting her, and at times I'm so overwhelmed to see her so happy. I listen as she soothes away the fears of young mothers-to-be with her strong, soft words. I watch as she presses gently into their bellies with her callused fingers and smiles whenever she encounters the kick of the infant struggling within. This is what she was meant to do, both her and I feel it. And every day that we are together, she thanks me for saving her from the Black Dove.
"Thank you for loving that man, Tansho," she tells me once, startling me with the bluntness of her words, "Without that love, I would not be here. The other girls would not be in the palace. You would not be so close to leaving this all behind and starting your new life." My dear second mother has always spoken the truth in such profound, beautiful ways. A woman like her was never meant to be a whore, and yet I find myself wondering what kind of woman she would be today if she had not spent a large portion of her life trapped inside the brothel. Would she still be so strong? So undeterred? So vibrant and proud and wise? I truly do not think so, and I know in my heart that she thinks the same.
I'm grateful for these days that pass. I am genuinely happy during these days for the first time in quite awhile. I spend hours with Okichi and Tokizo, just talking and listening to them plan their lives with each other, wishing them love and luck and happiness. I spend hours with my little handmaiden, Naho, chatting about nothing.
I visit Lady Hoki every day and spend a good hour or so in conversation, talking about whatever she needs to. I can sense the wounds of her soul by the way her words trickle like water from her mouth. These wounds are large and deep, and I know that each day I'm with her, simply listening to her speak her heart, that I'm helping her learn to heal herself. She is such a strong woman. She has taken her place as Empress Regent until her child is old enough to take the throne, which may be quite a while seeing as her belly is still as round as the moon. And she already has such great plans for Konan. She tells me of her desires to build schools and clinics, but it is the last of her long list of future projects that moves me the most. She tells me that she wants to try to eradicate prostitution from Konan. At first I am overwhelmed by her blunt announcement. Eradication of such a widespread, deep-rooted and popular business could be both extremely difficult and perhaps even dangerous to some point. But her words soften my uncertain heart.
"After meeting you, I no longer pity those women. I feel for them and I admire the ones who are forced into it, and yet who remain strong like you did. I'm sure they must be few, but if you are here then surely there must be others like you," she tells me as we stroll together in the seraglio courtyard, wrapped in wool shawls to protect us from the winter air. "I want to give them better lives. I know I certainly can't bring them all to live here, even though I would love that more than anything. But don't you think I could build shelters for them, places where they can be safe as they try to find new lives for themselves? I worry only for the ones who care nothing for themselves, the ones who have chosen to be what they are."
"You can only do what you can, my Lady," I offer, "The course of their lives should be in their own hands. You can only assist them."
"Yes," she agrees, turning to me, "Yes I can." Her soft eyes drift away for a moment, and when they return to me, there is something more in them than before. "And why just prostitutes?" she muses, "Any woman who needs help, shelter, work, food...I could do something for them all..."
"Yes, you can, my Lady," I reply happily, "There are many women in this city who are in need. They are looking for help, but not many find it."
The lady empress returns to her reverie, thinking of the future and hoping.
I suddenly realize something. I passed out on the floor of the Priestess's room after Tasuki and Chichiri vanished, and Asako told me that I had awakened the next morning. I missed His Highness's funeral. It has been an entire week since I paid my last respects, and I am only now just remembering. Guilt washes over me and I sigh heavily, catching Lady Hoki's attention. I turn to look at her, my face covered with apologies.
"I'm so sorry that I missed His Highness's funeral," I say softly, "I never meant to."
"Oh, my dear," she says, taking my hands in her soft fingers. "Don't be sorry. You couldn't help what happened. Okichi told me how you passed out after you saw Lord Tasuki and Lord Chichiri disappear to go to the Priestess's world. You poor thing. I'm the one who should be apologizing for not coming to visit you."
How selfless this woman is. I can only stare at her and smile weakly. "My Lord's funeral was lovely," she continues, "Very small and very quite. It was hard for me to watch him being placed inside the tomb, but I only wept a little. I expected to collapse on the ground, wailing and screaming like a mad woman."
"If you had, it would not have been dishonorable," I insist.
"Perhaps. When I first received the news of his death and when I first saw his body being returned from the battlefield, I couldn't speak. I couldn't really show any kind of emotion. I wasn't sure just what exactly to feel. I couldn't believe that he was gone. I couldn't. And for several days I refused to. But when I saw the door of the tomb close, I suppose I finally understood that he was not here any more. And from that moment on, I have been trying to cope with that understanding. The grief is hard and cruel at times, but I am glad that I am experiencing it. I believe that it is making me stronger. Oh, but I shouldn't be commenting on grief, Tansho," she replies, her eyes downcast and cloudy, "Not when you've been through so much in your life. I feel foolish to talk of such things when your life has been full of so much more suffering than mine."
Astonished and appalled at this, I take her hand and stop her in her tracks. I look in her eyes, gently but with great purpose. "You must never say or think that again, My Lady," I say sternly, "Never. Yes, my life has been hard – but I it has been for the better. I could not be who I am now if I had not lived my life. But most of all – I am not the one who has lost her husband." Instantly, I am both overjoyed and remorseful that I said this. I had not meant my words to be so sharp. And yet I had meant to speak this. Hoki's eyes suddenly begin to shine with tears, and then she is in my arms, weeping furiously, her voice rising and falling in the beautiful ways only a widow's could. I hold her for a long time and neither say nor do anything. Her firm, round belly presses against me, and more than once I feel the movement of the child inside of her. It makes me both sorrowful and ecstatic to feel such a thing. I find myself smiling. I give her time to cleanse herself of her tears before I offer my comforting words. "Mourning is meant to help heal," I tell her, "You must mourn. You must cry and wail and scream and weep as much as possible. Only this can heal your pain."
I feel for her so deeply. I do not pity her; I only understand her suffering. Mine is similar. My husband may not be dead, but he is gone just the same. I cannot see him or hear him or touch him or speak to him. But I believe with all my heart that he is still here in the world, and I am thankful for that.
After she is finished weeping, the empress is able to find the strength to speak some more, and I am more than willing to listen to her. For the rest of the day I am happily preoccupied with our numerous conversations, and I miss her instantly when we must part at sundown to retire to our separate rooms.
One day, about a week and a half after that day in the Priestess's room, a firm knock on my door resounds throughout my chambers. Naho is with me, helping me hang up some recently laundered gowns in my wardrobe, and she quickly trots into the alcove the answer the door for me. I hear a man's voice drifting into my bedroom, and Naho's reply, and although the words are too distant to hear, I instantly recognize the deep, heavily accented voice. I hurl the cream-colored gown I am holding onto my bed and dash though my bedroom into the alcove. There, standing nervously with his strange blue eyebrows arched questioningly, is Koji.
Without thinking twice, I fling myself into his arms and hug him close to me, earning a surprised gasp from him and an even more surprised expression from my timid little handmaiden.
"Koji!" I exclaim, releasing him and stepping back so that he can see my smile. "I'm so happy to see you again!"
Although obviously shaken and a little embarrassed by my overjoyed reaction to seeing him, I can easily tell how flattered he is as well. He smiles warmly at me, though his lips instantly slip into a smirk afterwards, drawing attention to the deep scar he carries on his cheek. I want to compliment him so badly on that scar, to tell him how it brings beauty to his face; but I'm unsure of how he would take it. Only the gods know how he came to have it.
"Hey there, Tansho," he replies in his exotic, accented voice, "I'm really glad to see you too. It's been awhile, huh?" He reaches a hand behind his head and scratches momentarily before resting his hands on his hips.
"Please come in!" I offer happily, motioning for him to follow me out of the alcove. When we're in my sleeping chambers, I hear him let out an impressed whistle.
"Nice place you got here," he remarks, "I bet you're gonna be a little sad when you leave with Genro, huh?"
"Oh no," I answer truthfully, offering him a seat at the little table at the foot of me bed, "I'm actually so excited that I can hardly keep myself calm sometimes."
"You didn't seem surprised to see me, so I guess Genro told ya I was coming, huh?"
"Yes, and I want to thank you for doing that. I'm very touched that you'd come all the way here to the palace just to make sure I got back to the mountain safely," I reply, smirking to myself as I remember mine and Tasuki's conversation before he left for the priestess's world. Then I suddenly realize that Koji doesn't know Tasuki's not here. He doesn't know that Tasuki's not even in this world any more. I think for a moment how to tell him, but I can think of no gentle way.
"Oh, no problem," Koji answers, and for a second I think I can see the mischief gleaming in his lively eyes. I feel sorry that I must tell him his closest friend is probably battling his enemy at this very moment.
"There's something I must tell you, Koji," I say, trying to keep my voice calm, "Tasuki isn't here. He hasn't been here for the past week and a half. He's in the Priestess's world, fighting Nakago with Chichiri. I'm sorry that I don't know all the details, but I do know that he is doing his duty as a warrior of Suzaku and fighting with all his heart and mind."
At first Koji seems taken aback, and then suddenly he seems to sink into understanding. He replies calmly, "I knew something like this would happen. Nakago pretty much got away without much of a fight at the end of the war. I knew it wasn't over yet." He lifts his eyes to mine, and although I thought I was hiding it well, I know that he sees my worry and anxiety. I've been covering it up ever since Tasuki left, but now that I'm talking about it, I feel it more strongly than ever before. Dear gods, I'm so afraid for him!
Before I realize what I'm doing, I'm crying. It begins as soft tears, trickling timidly down my cheeks, and then it escalates into unabashed bawling that startles even me. I don't see Koji get up from his seat. I don't see him cross the small distance between us. But I do feel his arms suddenly encircle me. Although I'm surprised by Koji's sudden action, I am unbelievably thankful for the strong embrace of a man, especially the man who loves my husband like a brother and is no doubt worried about him just as much as I. He lifts me up from my chair and hugs me fully to him. The feel of a man holding me is the most calming sensation in the world, and I am more than willing to allow him to comfort me. I cry into his chest for a long time and thank him silently for the gentle strength of his arms around me. When he finally lets go of me, he is smiling, which makes me narrow my eyes in confusion.
"You really love that old bastard, don't you Tansho?" he asks, the tone of his voice both joking and serious. "I knew you did. When I first met you that day me and Genro came to the palace to see His Highness, I felt this connection between the two of you. It felt like you guys were meant to be there, side by side, together. It just felt right."
"It still does," I reply weakly, my voice trembling from my crying. "I love him so much that sometimes I wonder if it really is love. Maybe I'm just endlessly fascinated with him or only enamored – not really in love. I never knew that love could be this strong and this wonderful and this intense. I'm so glad that I found him."
"And believe me, he's glad as hell that he found you," Koji remarks with a sly grin. "You should hear that guy talk about you. The first time I heard about you I was blown away. By how he described you, I was pissed off like hell that I hadn't met ya first."
I laugh out loud but quickly turn my face away, afraid that the tears may come again. But I feel his fingers touch my cheek, and he gently nudges my face back towards his. "That guy really loves ya, Tansho," he says to me, "And I can tell how much you love him. I don't think he'd leave ya after all the two of you have been through. I know he's fighting like hell, just like ya said, to save Miaka and get back here as soon as he can to be with you again."
"I hope so," I whisper.
"I know so," Koji replies firmly.
We sit and talk for a while longer, and I listen happily as Koji tells me story after story about Tasuki. He tells me about when he first arrived at Mount Reikaku, how he came to get his iron fan, and what led up to him finally deciding to go with the Priestess to be her warrior. I feel so close to Tasuki as I hear about his life from someone who has known him much longer than I have. I sense him all around me, and I soon find myself genuinely happy again.
I send Naho to inform the caretakers of the guest rooms that a visitor has arrived, and when she returns to announce that Koji's room has been prepared, I am quick to insist that he remain here in the palace until Tasuki returns. He is quick to oblige, and although I know it's mostly because he wishes to see his friend alive and safe soon, I also know that it's to hopefully spend more time with Koi.
When he takes his leave, I am about to comment that he go pay her a visit, but to my pleasant surprise, he beats me to it.
"I was wondering," he replies as I bid him goodbye at my door, "Could you tell me where Koi's room is? I'd really like to see her again. Do you think she's mind?"
"Oh, not at all!" I answer, perhaps a little too giddily, "Her room's down the veranda in that direction, the seventh door after mine." I point in the direction of her room, and out of the corner of my eyes I see his face light up. A happy smirk fixes itself on his handsome face, and with one last smile at me, he bids me goodbye.
A/N: I love this chapter. It's sad, but so happy too, don't you think? ^_^ Well, anyways, I hope you guts enjoyed it. Sorry for the long update...school as always. * sigh * Well, I would love to answer all of your reviews, but time is definitely not on my side at the moment, so I'll just give some quick answers to all that asked questions:
How many chapters? Not sure because I'm not finished, but let me put it this way – the end is very close (sad, I know...)
Yes, I have seen the OAVs, but as of now I don't plan on continuing the story into them. I plan on ending it at the end of the TV series, but you never know what may happen later on down the road...
And a big, fat thanks to all that read, review, or both!! I adore you all for the support you give me. You help this story come to life. Luv and kisses to all! ^_^
Aama
These Days That Pass
I stand here alone now, my eyes still blinded by the stunning crimson glow that had erupted from the air like fire. It had spread around the room, moving like fog, glistening and shimmering, enveloping Chichiri and Tasuki within itself. And then they were gone. And now I am left standing here, my eyes still blind, my mind still numb and spinning, remembering the last words that had passed between my husband and I as he unwound the bandages from his injured torso and pulled on the cotton undershirt I had fetched from my chambers.
"I don't know how long I'll be gone," he had said, and I had both loved and hated him for telling me this. Perhaps it will be best if I not know when to expect him back, so that I can't worry once the expected day has passed. But if I knew when to expect him, maybe it would strengthen my hope.
"I once heard His Highness mention that a single day in Miaka's world is like an entire month here," Chichiri offered, though the sound of his voice made it obvious that he wasn't quite sure whether this information would help or hurt Tasuki and I. Both of us had closed our eyes in dread, and Chichiri had looked as if he had the weight of hell on his shoulders. I smiled warmly at him to tell him I knew he meant no harm.
And then I had grabbed my husband, pulling him to me to hold. I wanted to try to memorize him quickly, to remember the way his freshly washed shirt smelled against my cheek, to remember the pressure of his hands on my trembling shoulders. These are the things I just got back. These are the things I am losing once again.
He had said that he loved me now more than ever, though he didn't explain why. I don't think he had an explanation. He just felt it, and said what he felt – just as he always had done. I told him that I loved him as well, and that I will do so forever. Our parting was brief and as painless as possible. I am glad for this, but now I am beginning to hurt.
I had watched him shrug the strange brown bag on his shoulders and take his place next to Chichiri. The monk closed his eyes and narrowed his brow in concentration, his palm resting firmly on his comrade's shoulder. Tasuki had looked at me one last time, his gaze pure and strong, and closed his eyes. And then they were gone, swallowed in the midst of the crimson light that had sprung up around them. Suzaku had come to take them to their Priestess, and I felt him moving all around me as I watched my husband fade inside the red mist of the god's presence. A few moments later, the room was bare, save for me.
I stand here now, alone and suspended in a state of shock, disbelief, and uncertainty. I have lost him again. Again. Just like before. Again. This is all that my mind can process, all that it can say in the confines of my skull. Before I know what I'm doing, I am on the floor of the bedroom, on my hands and knees, my fingers clutching at the place where he once stood only seconds ago. My fingernails scratch hopelessly at the hard wood floor even though I know that I cannot un-dig him from the earth. He has been taken somewhere far away, somewhere that I can never go and never be. And he is gone. I am left here.
Finally, my heart bursts open and I am able to cry at last. As my hurt flows from me, I caress the floor, and soon I have collapsed, my cheek resting against the place where the sole of his boot once stood. I weep and allow myself to drift away from the world of the living, to the place of sleep and rest, hoping to find solace there. And I find it, nestled in soft darkness, waiting for me.
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I wake up quickly but gently, like being shook by soft hands, and my eyes open to see a fire burning steadily in a hearth. I finally realize that I'm in my own room when I rotate my face to either side and see the numerous, multi-colored pillows that could adorn only my bed. And I recognize my lavender coverlet and my white canopy and the softness of my linens. A heavy, deep sigh seeps out from between my lips.
"You're finally awake, eh, Little One?"
My head jerks to the foot of my bed, and sitting there at the small table, helping herself to a tray full of food, is Asako. Her eyes smile at me, taking over for her mouth, which is full of some sort of food, and she winks mischievously. I sit up in my bed and see that my waist-length hair has been braided to keep it from getting tangled during sleep and that I'm wrapped up warmly in one of my many sleeping gowns. Did Asako bring me to my room? How long has she been in the palace? How long has she been here in my room?
"Well, Tansho, aren't you going to ask how I've been?" she replies, lifting an eyebrow and smirking at me. "You haven't come to see me for awhile, so I decided to come see you. And what do I find? Two servant girls struggling to haul you back to your room."
"What?" I mumble, rubbing my eyes to clear them of sleep.
"Yes," she remarks, "One told me she was your handmaid and had gone looking for you after you didn't return to your room. She and another girl found you in a vacant room on the far side of the palace, unconscious and sprawled out on the floor."
"Naho..." I whisper. Poor little Naho. How I have worried that poor darling girl since I have been in her care.
Asako seems to read my mind. "Don't' worry about your little handmaid. She knows you're in good hands. Now, tell me what the hell happened to you!" She takes a final bite of rice, then gets up and comes to sit beside me on the bed.
"I don't really know. I just couldn't take it. I just–"
"You just couldn't bear to see him leave you again," she says softly, finishing my sentence. I begin to ask her how she even knew that Tasuki was gone again, but she cuts me off for a second time. "Okichi told me. The Empress had revealed to her what had happened in the emperor's chambers – you know, the voice coming from the sky – and when she found out I was here, she hurried over here and told me. You've missed quite a lot of action, my dear." She smiles whole-heartedly, proudly showing the black gaps in her teeth.
"Is Okichi still here?" I ask, looking around faintly. "It's been days since I've seen her."
"Of course it's been days, silly. She's just like you. When a woman's man comes back from war, I should expect her to be preoccupied for quite a long while."
Tokizo. How could I have forgotten about my darling Tokizo? I close my eyes and say a quick prayer to Suzaku, thanking him with all my heart for bring my dear friend safely back to his new love. I will have to go visit him soon; it's been far too long since we last spoke. I smile and breathe in deeply, happiness beginning to flow slowly back into me. I lean sideways and bump my shoulder into Asako's. It's been far too long since I last spoke with her as well. I lean my head gently on her solid shoulder, and smile contentedly when she rests her cheek on the crown of my head, nuzzling me.
"How I've missed you, Little One," she whispers, and I can feel her smile.
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Asako stays with me for several days, and it doesn't take long to realize how badly I needed her and how thankful I am that she's here. We are all together again – me, Asako, Koi, Okichi, and Misa – all of us as we were in the Black Dove, but this time we are free and unburdened. And we are able to laugh and shout and act like fools just as young women should, not worrying about anything but our own happiness. We spend the days in the seraglio, eating sweets beneath the magnolia trees, or shopping in the markets, or strolling through the dozens of gardens sprawled throughout the palace. One day Asako takes us all to see Mayonaka, and we spend the day in her home, welcoming patients with her, talking, eating, laughing, and just being women.
I sense my darling Asako's happiness wafting from her skin like smoke. It surrounds her on all sides, protecting her, and at times I'm so overwhelmed to see her so happy. I listen as she soothes away the fears of young mothers-to-be with her strong, soft words. I watch as she presses gently into their bellies with her callused fingers and smiles whenever she encounters the kick of the infant struggling within. This is what she was meant to do, both her and I feel it. And every day that we are together, she thanks me for saving her from the Black Dove.
"Thank you for loving that man, Tansho," she tells me once, startling me with the bluntness of her words, "Without that love, I would not be here. The other girls would not be in the palace. You would not be so close to leaving this all behind and starting your new life." My dear second mother has always spoken the truth in such profound, beautiful ways. A woman like her was never meant to be a whore, and yet I find myself wondering what kind of woman she would be today if she had not spent a large portion of her life trapped inside the brothel. Would she still be so strong? So undeterred? So vibrant and proud and wise? I truly do not think so, and I know in my heart that she thinks the same.
I'm grateful for these days that pass. I am genuinely happy during these days for the first time in quite awhile. I spend hours with Okichi and Tokizo, just talking and listening to them plan their lives with each other, wishing them love and luck and happiness. I spend hours with my little handmaiden, Naho, chatting about nothing.
I visit Lady Hoki every day and spend a good hour or so in conversation, talking about whatever she needs to. I can sense the wounds of her soul by the way her words trickle like water from her mouth. These wounds are large and deep, and I know that each day I'm with her, simply listening to her speak her heart, that I'm helping her learn to heal herself. She is such a strong woman. She has taken her place as Empress Regent until her child is old enough to take the throne, which may be quite a while seeing as her belly is still as round as the moon. And she already has such great plans for Konan. She tells me of her desires to build schools and clinics, but it is the last of her long list of future projects that moves me the most. She tells me that she wants to try to eradicate prostitution from Konan. At first I am overwhelmed by her blunt announcement. Eradication of such a widespread, deep-rooted and popular business could be both extremely difficult and perhaps even dangerous to some point. But her words soften my uncertain heart.
"After meeting you, I no longer pity those women. I feel for them and I admire the ones who are forced into it, and yet who remain strong like you did. I'm sure they must be few, but if you are here then surely there must be others like you," she tells me as we stroll together in the seraglio courtyard, wrapped in wool shawls to protect us from the winter air. "I want to give them better lives. I know I certainly can't bring them all to live here, even though I would love that more than anything. But don't you think I could build shelters for them, places where they can be safe as they try to find new lives for themselves? I worry only for the ones who care nothing for themselves, the ones who have chosen to be what they are."
"You can only do what you can, my Lady," I offer, "The course of their lives should be in their own hands. You can only assist them."
"Yes," she agrees, turning to me, "Yes I can." Her soft eyes drift away for a moment, and when they return to me, there is something more in them than before. "And why just prostitutes?" she muses, "Any woman who needs help, shelter, work, food...I could do something for them all..."
"Yes, you can, my Lady," I reply happily, "There are many women in this city who are in need. They are looking for help, but not many find it."
The lady empress returns to her reverie, thinking of the future and hoping.
I suddenly realize something. I passed out on the floor of the Priestess's room after Tasuki and Chichiri vanished, and Asako told me that I had awakened the next morning. I missed His Highness's funeral. It has been an entire week since I paid my last respects, and I am only now just remembering. Guilt washes over me and I sigh heavily, catching Lady Hoki's attention. I turn to look at her, my face covered with apologies.
"I'm so sorry that I missed His Highness's funeral," I say softly, "I never meant to."
"Oh, my dear," she says, taking my hands in her soft fingers. "Don't be sorry. You couldn't help what happened. Okichi told me how you passed out after you saw Lord Tasuki and Lord Chichiri disappear to go to the Priestess's world. You poor thing. I'm the one who should be apologizing for not coming to visit you."
How selfless this woman is. I can only stare at her and smile weakly. "My Lord's funeral was lovely," she continues, "Very small and very quite. It was hard for me to watch him being placed inside the tomb, but I only wept a little. I expected to collapse on the ground, wailing and screaming like a mad woman."
"If you had, it would not have been dishonorable," I insist.
"Perhaps. When I first received the news of his death and when I first saw his body being returned from the battlefield, I couldn't speak. I couldn't really show any kind of emotion. I wasn't sure just what exactly to feel. I couldn't believe that he was gone. I couldn't. And for several days I refused to. But when I saw the door of the tomb close, I suppose I finally understood that he was not here any more. And from that moment on, I have been trying to cope with that understanding. The grief is hard and cruel at times, but I am glad that I am experiencing it. I believe that it is making me stronger. Oh, but I shouldn't be commenting on grief, Tansho," she replies, her eyes downcast and cloudy, "Not when you've been through so much in your life. I feel foolish to talk of such things when your life has been full of so much more suffering than mine."
Astonished and appalled at this, I take her hand and stop her in her tracks. I look in her eyes, gently but with great purpose. "You must never say or think that again, My Lady," I say sternly, "Never. Yes, my life has been hard – but I it has been for the better. I could not be who I am now if I had not lived my life. But most of all – I am not the one who has lost her husband." Instantly, I am both overjoyed and remorseful that I said this. I had not meant my words to be so sharp. And yet I had meant to speak this. Hoki's eyes suddenly begin to shine with tears, and then she is in my arms, weeping furiously, her voice rising and falling in the beautiful ways only a widow's could. I hold her for a long time and neither say nor do anything. Her firm, round belly presses against me, and more than once I feel the movement of the child inside of her. It makes me both sorrowful and ecstatic to feel such a thing. I find myself smiling. I give her time to cleanse herself of her tears before I offer my comforting words. "Mourning is meant to help heal," I tell her, "You must mourn. You must cry and wail and scream and weep as much as possible. Only this can heal your pain."
I feel for her so deeply. I do not pity her; I only understand her suffering. Mine is similar. My husband may not be dead, but he is gone just the same. I cannot see him or hear him or touch him or speak to him. But I believe with all my heart that he is still here in the world, and I am thankful for that.
After she is finished weeping, the empress is able to find the strength to speak some more, and I am more than willing to listen to her. For the rest of the day I am happily preoccupied with our numerous conversations, and I miss her instantly when we must part at sundown to retire to our separate rooms.
One day, about a week and a half after that day in the Priestess's room, a firm knock on my door resounds throughout my chambers. Naho is with me, helping me hang up some recently laundered gowns in my wardrobe, and she quickly trots into the alcove the answer the door for me. I hear a man's voice drifting into my bedroom, and Naho's reply, and although the words are too distant to hear, I instantly recognize the deep, heavily accented voice. I hurl the cream-colored gown I am holding onto my bed and dash though my bedroom into the alcove. There, standing nervously with his strange blue eyebrows arched questioningly, is Koji.
Without thinking twice, I fling myself into his arms and hug him close to me, earning a surprised gasp from him and an even more surprised expression from my timid little handmaiden.
"Koji!" I exclaim, releasing him and stepping back so that he can see my smile. "I'm so happy to see you again!"
Although obviously shaken and a little embarrassed by my overjoyed reaction to seeing him, I can easily tell how flattered he is as well. He smiles warmly at me, though his lips instantly slip into a smirk afterwards, drawing attention to the deep scar he carries on his cheek. I want to compliment him so badly on that scar, to tell him how it brings beauty to his face; but I'm unsure of how he would take it. Only the gods know how he came to have it.
"Hey there, Tansho," he replies in his exotic, accented voice, "I'm really glad to see you too. It's been awhile, huh?" He reaches a hand behind his head and scratches momentarily before resting his hands on his hips.
"Please come in!" I offer happily, motioning for him to follow me out of the alcove. When we're in my sleeping chambers, I hear him let out an impressed whistle.
"Nice place you got here," he remarks, "I bet you're gonna be a little sad when you leave with Genro, huh?"
"Oh no," I answer truthfully, offering him a seat at the little table at the foot of me bed, "I'm actually so excited that I can hardly keep myself calm sometimes."
"You didn't seem surprised to see me, so I guess Genro told ya I was coming, huh?"
"Yes, and I want to thank you for doing that. I'm very touched that you'd come all the way here to the palace just to make sure I got back to the mountain safely," I reply, smirking to myself as I remember mine and Tasuki's conversation before he left for the priestess's world. Then I suddenly realize that Koji doesn't know Tasuki's not here. He doesn't know that Tasuki's not even in this world any more. I think for a moment how to tell him, but I can think of no gentle way.
"Oh, no problem," Koji answers, and for a second I think I can see the mischief gleaming in his lively eyes. I feel sorry that I must tell him his closest friend is probably battling his enemy at this very moment.
"There's something I must tell you, Koji," I say, trying to keep my voice calm, "Tasuki isn't here. He hasn't been here for the past week and a half. He's in the Priestess's world, fighting Nakago with Chichiri. I'm sorry that I don't know all the details, but I do know that he is doing his duty as a warrior of Suzaku and fighting with all his heart and mind."
At first Koji seems taken aback, and then suddenly he seems to sink into understanding. He replies calmly, "I knew something like this would happen. Nakago pretty much got away without much of a fight at the end of the war. I knew it wasn't over yet." He lifts his eyes to mine, and although I thought I was hiding it well, I know that he sees my worry and anxiety. I've been covering it up ever since Tasuki left, but now that I'm talking about it, I feel it more strongly than ever before. Dear gods, I'm so afraid for him!
Before I realize what I'm doing, I'm crying. It begins as soft tears, trickling timidly down my cheeks, and then it escalates into unabashed bawling that startles even me. I don't see Koji get up from his seat. I don't see him cross the small distance between us. But I do feel his arms suddenly encircle me. Although I'm surprised by Koji's sudden action, I am unbelievably thankful for the strong embrace of a man, especially the man who loves my husband like a brother and is no doubt worried about him just as much as I. He lifts me up from my chair and hugs me fully to him. The feel of a man holding me is the most calming sensation in the world, and I am more than willing to allow him to comfort me. I cry into his chest for a long time and thank him silently for the gentle strength of his arms around me. When he finally lets go of me, he is smiling, which makes me narrow my eyes in confusion.
"You really love that old bastard, don't you Tansho?" he asks, the tone of his voice both joking and serious. "I knew you did. When I first met you that day me and Genro came to the palace to see His Highness, I felt this connection between the two of you. It felt like you guys were meant to be there, side by side, together. It just felt right."
"It still does," I reply weakly, my voice trembling from my crying. "I love him so much that sometimes I wonder if it really is love. Maybe I'm just endlessly fascinated with him or only enamored – not really in love. I never knew that love could be this strong and this wonderful and this intense. I'm so glad that I found him."
"And believe me, he's glad as hell that he found you," Koji remarks with a sly grin. "You should hear that guy talk about you. The first time I heard about you I was blown away. By how he described you, I was pissed off like hell that I hadn't met ya first."
I laugh out loud but quickly turn my face away, afraid that the tears may come again. But I feel his fingers touch my cheek, and he gently nudges my face back towards his. "That guy really loves ya, Tansho," he says to me, "And I can tell how much you love him. I don't think he'd leave ya after all the two of you have been through. I know he's fighting like hell, just like ya said, to save Miaka and get back here as soon as he can to be with you again."
"I hope so," I whisper.
"I know so," Koji replies firmly.
We sit and talk for a while longer, and I listen happily as Koji tells me story after story about Tasuki. He tells me about when he first arrived at Mount Reikaku, how he came to get his iron fan, and what led up to him finally deciding to go with the Priestess to be her warrior. I feel so close to Tasuki as I hear about his life from someone who has known him much longer than I have. I sense him all around me, and I soon find myself genuinely happy again.
I send Naho to inform the caretakers of the guest rooms that a visitor has arrived, and when she returns to announce that Koji's room has been prepared, I am quick to insist that he remain here in the palace until Tasuki returns. He is quick to oblige, and although I know it's mostly because he wishes to see his friend alive and safe soon, I also know that it's to hopefully spend more time with Koi.
When he takes his leave, I am about to comment that he go pay her a visit, but to my pleasant surprise, he beats me to it.
"I was wondering," he replies as I bid him goodbye at my door, "Could you tell me where Koi's room is? I'd really like to see her again. Do you think she's mind?"
"Oh, not at all!" I answer, perhaps a little too giddily, "Her room's down the veranda in that direction, the seventh door after mine." I point in the direction of her room, and out of the corner of my eyes I see his face light up. A happy smirk fixes itself on his handsome face, and with one last smile at me, he bids me goodbye.
A/N: I love this chapter. It's sad, but so happy too, don't you think? ^_^ Well, anyways, I hope you guts enjoyed it. Sorry for the long update...school as always. * sigh * Well, I would love to answer all of your reviews, but time is definitely not on my side at the moment, so I'll just give some quick answers to all that asked questions:
How many chapters? Not sure because I'm not finished, but let me put it this way – the end is very close (sad, I know...)
Yes, I have seen the OAVs, but as of now I don't plan on continuing the story into them. I plan on ending it at the end of the TV series, but you never know what may happen later on down the road...
And a big, fat thanks to all that read, review, or both!! I adore you all for the support you give me. You help this story come to life. Luv and kisses to all! ^_^
Aama