Chapter 61
The Finding of Happiness
Another week passes slowly and uneventfully. Although I am thankful for the serene atmosphere of the seraglio, my inner self is far from soothed. I abhor not knowing things.
I often find myself sitting alone in the middle of the day, staring out of my window or standing on the docks, staring out into the lovely endlessness of the ocean, and hating myself for letting him leave me again. I don't know the priestess's world. I don't where it is or what is in it. I don't know if it is similar to my world or the total opposite. And I don't know if my husband will ever leave it alive. I do not hate myself; I hate my ignorance. How could I just let him go like I did? No questions asked. No questions answered. Nothing. Just being left. There is only one thing I know for sure – Chichiri told me before he and Tasuki left that a single day in the priestess's world is like a month in ours. I am both thankful and regretful that I know this information. Because I know about this, I allow myself to become overpowered with the thought of weeks passing in this world, but only hours in the one where my husband is. If two and a half weeks have passed in Konan, how many hours or days have passed in the world where my husband battles? This thought is constantly pressing upon my mind.
Even as I sit here now, alone in my chambers, my thoughts wander to him. In my lap sits the little wooden box that he gave to me before he left for Hokkan – the box that held the red and blue earrings identical to his own. I'm wearing them, and I'm wearing the azure coat that he brought as a gift from Hokkan. In my hair is the jeweled clip that he also brought back for me from his journey. I have adorned myself with everything that my husband ever gave to me, but not really knowing why. Perhaps I just long to touch something that I know he touched as well. Whatever my unknown reason may be, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I am waiting patiently and hopefully for him.
Since I am dressed appropriately for the winter in my thick, fox fur- lined coat, I decide to take a walk outside. And as I rise from my chair by the window, walk across my room and out my door onto the veranda, I feel him with me. My steps are soft and paced, with no destination and no purpose, and I can feel him walking silently beside me. Like the sharp winter air, memories blow across my face, through my loose hair, and around my body, enveloping me. So many things stored away inside my mind. So many that I do not need. So many that I wish I had but know I have lost. So many beautiful ones and so many ugly ones. More than anything in the world, I desire to replace those ugly memories with the ones that are to come. There are so many things I have to look forward to in my new life. There is so much left for me to do in my life.
I smile warmly to myself, reveling in the knowledge that one day soon I will see Mount Reikaku again and feel its shadow on my face. One day soon I will be free from the city; never again will I have to smell its unclean scent or look at its harshness. One day soon I will begin living again as I was meant to live. My smile broadens, and I draw my lovely blue and silver coat closer around my body, surrounding myself with hope.
I do not realize that I am being observed until I hear Okichi's lively giggle emerge from the air behind me. She appears suddenly at my side, her statuesque frame warmly wrapped up in a long, wool shawl that trails the ground at her heels.
"And just what are you smiling about?" she asks playfully, lifting an eyebrow.
I glance affectionately at her, my eyes warm, my lips still spread happily in a grin. "Things," I reply, my voice airy.
"Things?" she retorts, "Just things?"
I shake my head gently. "Things I never thought could be mine."
When she hears this, she understands, and I sigh softly as her arm wraps itself around my waist. She leans her head on mine momentarily as we walk together, then lifts it again to turn her eyes to mine. "I was thinking about those same things too," she replies.
I stop walking, and I keep my eyes on hers. "I want to tell you something, Tansho," she says, "It's something I never knew I could have. Never." A part of me is elated. A part of me is concerned. What does she speak of? Her strong hands slip into mine. "Tokizo has asked me to be his wife."
I can feel the inside of me begin to glow with warmth, and I am so ecstatic that for several long moments I can do nothing but smile. And then I howl in laughter like a lunatic, making Okichi's bright, clever eyes widen in astonishment. In one sudden movement, I've pulled her into my arms, laughing and grinning. My happiness for her surrounds me like a blanket made from the sun, making me forget the sharp chill of the winter air. Gods, can this be true? Can my darling Okichi, my sister, my friend, truly have finally found this kind of happiness? The glittering of her eyes answers my question, and once again I am overcome with pure glee and end up laughing even louder.
Our arms entwined, our lips spread in boisterous smiles, we continue strolling through the courtyard, simply enjoying each other's company and the wonderful news. By the way her teeth nibble her pink lips and her hands squeeze mine, I can tell she has so much to tell me. And finally, she does. In one long, breathless sigh she tells me the dreams of her future, and I listen so happily and peacefully that I wonder if I'm not walking through Heaven with her.
"He wants to purchase a townhouse near the palace," she gushes, "He took me to see it yesterday, and, oh, Tansho...it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen!"
Her words fall from her grinning lips like leaves falling from a tree, contentedly and softly. And I listen to every word she says, smiling and nodding and wondering and hoping. In the years I have known Okichi, she has never allowed herself to be so care-free. During our many days and nights in the brothel, she was always calm and nonchalant. She was clever and insightful. She always paid attention and never let her guard down for a moment. But now, as I walk with her beside me, listening to the plans she has for her life, I can feel no barrier around her. Okichi has always protected herself with her wisdom, but in this moment it is like she is naked. Her shell is gone. And I am here to witness its departure.
Still smiling, I listen on. And when she is too tired to speak any longer, I kiss her cheek and her hands and tell her how much I love her. And then I thank the gods for finally giving our lives back to us, to live as we please.
**************************************************************************** ************************
On a lovely day when the sun is glowing warm, Misa comes to me and tells me that Empress Hoki has asked her to continue living permanently in the palace. She has been asked to oversee the organization of the shelter being built to assist prostitutes desiring to leave their profession. I am at first surprised that Lady Hoki has done so much work in the few weeks since she mentioned her thoughts of this to me, but then I am overjoyed to hear that her mind has been on other things besides the loss of her beloved husband.
Misa's face reminds me of Okichi's – perfectly content. Her dark eyes shine with so much life that I must look away more than once. And her lips, just like Okichi's, cannot stop smiling.
My heart thunders inside of me. I am both unbelieving and overjoyed. Finally, after so many long years of suffering physically, mentally, and emotionally, the women whom I love more than my own life are finding their happiness. I think of Asako, how she endured beatings so severe that they left her with gaps in her teeth, and how she is now helping to bring children into the world with her gentle, callused hands. I think of Okichi, who found her lover in my protector and beloved friend, Tokizo. I think of Koi, who, to my delight, is obviously falling in love with my husband's most trusted friend. I think of Misa, who has found her calling in helping women who she was once like. And I think of myself, how I grew from a frightened girl child into a woman who eventually demanded her freedom. All of this thanks to a single man who dared to love me and dared to make me see myself.
I embrace Misa fiercely, trying my hardest not to start weeping. My dear little Misa. I have always admired her for her strength and determination. So sly. So seductive. I smile when I remember how she had tried the hardest of all the other women to bed Tasuki and win our little game. I will never forget her pouting lips and narrowed eyes. I will never forget any of these women. I grin madly into Misa's soft, coffee bean-colored hair. Who could forget these women?
**************************************************************************** ************************
By the third week of Tasuki and Chichiri's absence, my mind is tangled with worrisome thoughts even though my heart is still swollen from happiness upon hearing the good fortunes of my friends. Every now and then, I still have to remind myself that it is all true – that Asako is apprenticed to one of the greatest midwives in Konan and is already helping to deliver children into the world, that Okichi is going to wed Tokizo and live in a beautiful townhouse near the palace, that Misa is going to be the overseer of Lady Hoki's growing project to help women trapped in the business of selling themselves, that Koi is falling in love with Koji so swiftly and deeply that it seems like a dream. And that our lives are finally ours again. Each of us has chosen this for ourselves – absolutely none of it has been forced on any of us. And this thought alone lifts our souls so high that we wonder if we'll ever come down again.
It seems unreal. It seems far too wonderful to ever be true. But it is. I see its truth every time I visit Asako and Mayonaka in their home. I see it every time I witness a gentle kiss or caress shared between Okichi and Tokizo, or Koi and Koji. I see it when I watch Misa and Lady Hoki sitting in the shade of one of the courtyard gazebos, their enthusiastic voices and hand motions relaying all their hopes for the future of Konan's women. I see it everywhere around me, and I see that it is real. But I wish to see it next to me in the form of my husband. I miss him more and more as each day passes, and I find myself unknowingly spending more and more time idly, doing nothing but pining for him and worrying for him. I feel both proud and ashamed of myself. I feel both powerful and helpless. I am afraid. I am so afraid that he will not come back, and that I will be left here in the midst of my sadness as I watch the happiness of the people around me. These thoughts paralyze me at times, leaving me staring lifelessly into the distance, wondering. And it is in a moment like this, when my body is dead and my mind is battling itself, that I feel a strong hand press itself to my cheek and turn my face to the light.
Lady Junko stands above me, her regal physique outlined by the soft winter sunlight. Her black hair and sapphire-colored eyes gleam with so many emotions and thoughts that I find myself staring hard at her, trying to discern what she is made of. It has been a long while since we last spoke. We see each other often as we walk through the courtyard or down the verandas on our way to our business, but her duties as Headmistress of the Seraglio and my preoccupation with the absence of my husband has left us both lacking of each other's company. I smile warmly at her, happy to see her, and happy to feel the touch of another person.
"May I sit?" she asks quietly, inclining her head to my side. I am seated on the steps that lead up to the veranda of the building closest to the gates of the seraglio. My eyes had been fixed there only moments before, on the simple loveliness of the golden and iron gates that allow entry and exit to the harem. I want to be here when he comes back to the seraglio looking for me. I want to be right here waiting for him. I don't want him to have to search for me.
"Of course," I whisper to Lady Junko, scooting over slightly to allow her room. She seats herself on the smooth wooden plank of the step as elegantly as the action will allow, and folds her long, slender hands over her knees. Her shining blue eyes follow my gaze to the gates, and she sighs lightly into the chilled air.
"You're waiting for him, aren't you?" she asks, but I know that she knows the answer to her question.
I nod in response anyway.
"He won't be gone much longer," she continues. "If the stories I've heard from Misa, Koi, and Okichi are true, he has been forced to be away from you far more than he's been able to be with you. Is this true?"
Once again, I nod.
"I see. How unfortunate." Lady Junko's voice trails off into a soft hum, and I find myself frowning as I recognize it. It's from a song that tells the story of a woman separated from her lover for many years. She mourns for him and pines for him and prays for him to come back. But when he finally does, she no longer wants him because her love for him has been replaced with hatred. Over the course of the many years she spent wishing he hadn't left her, her heart eventually turned against him and blamed him for all her unhappiness. He died brokenhearted after she scorned him. She lived the rest of her life in bitterness and died alone, with only her hatred to comfort her.
I tear my eyes away from the gates to gaze at Junko. Her face is innocent, but her eyes tell me that she knows I've been reached. She looks at me long and hard and meaningfully.
"You were the one who helped Her Highness Lady Hoki lift herself from her sadness. You must not allow yourself to take her place. Your husband is still alive, and he is on his way back to you. Do not allow yourself to become the woman in that song. You are too great a woman to allow that to happen." Her words are swift and as sharp as the tip of a dagger. They strike me hard and leave me bruised and cut.
Her lips smile softly, and her eyes reach into mine momentarily before she rises to her feet and disappears into the shadows of the veranda. I gaze over my shoulder for a long time, even after I've lost sight of her. And when I have regained my senses, I rise as well, leaving the gates behind me to walk into the shadows.
In a single moment, my heart wakes up from its sleep of uncertainty. I cannot allow myself to worry and wonder and pray; I can only allow myself to keep my faith. I will not die like the woman in that song, full of bitterness and hatred for the man she once loved with all her power. I will die happy and warm and still in love. I will die in his arms, because he is coming back. Tasuki is returning for me one day soon. I can feel him at my back, getting closer and closer to me as each minute passes. And as I step inside my chambers, I thank Junko with everything I have for awakening me and helping me realize this once again.
A/N: Hey there all!! I hope all of you are still enjoying the story... even though it's obvious how close the end is to us... ( I'm very sorry but it may be quite awhile before the next update. I've got two weeks of school left and finals are upon me!!! Waaahhh! But anyways.
P/S. Sorry that I'm not replying to anyone's review. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate you, because I do!!! ^_^ It's just time as always. But I will answer to a reviewer who mentioned the FY novel about Nakago and Soi. Yeah, I knew that Soi used to be a prostitute, but I had no idea she was sold by her family at such a young age!! I've been wanting to read those novels, by the way, have they been printed in English? And are they even available in the U.S. yet?
The Finding of Happiness
Another week passes slowly and uneventfully. Although I am thankful for the serene atmosphere of the seraglio, my inner self is far from soothed. I abhor not knowing things.
I often find myself sitting alone in the middle of the day, staring out of my window or standing on the docks, staring out into the lovely endlessness of the ocean, and hating myself for letting him leave me again. I don't know the priestess's world. I don't where it is or what is in it. I don't know if it is similar to my world or the total opposite. And I don't know if my husband will ever leave it alive. I do not hate myself; I hate my ignorance. How could I just let him go like I did? No questions asked. No questions answered. Nothing. Just being left. There is only one thing I know for sure – Chichiri told me before he and Tasuki left that a single day in the priestess's world is like a month in ours. I am both thankful and regretful that I know this information. Because I know about this, I allow myself to become overpowered with the thought of weeks passing in this world, but only hours in the one where my husband is. If two and a half weeks have passed in Konan, how many hours or days have passed in the world where my husband battles? This thought is constantly pressing upon my mind.
Even as I sit here now, alone in my chambers, my thoughts wander to him. In my lap sits the little wooden box that he gave to me before he left for Hokkan – the box that held the red and blue earrings identical to his own. I'm wearing them, and I'm wearing the azure coat that he brought as a gift from Hokkan. In my hair is the jeweled clip that he also brought back for me from his journey. I have adorned myself with everything that my husband ever gave to me, but not really knowing why. Perhaps I just long to touch something that I know he touched as well. Whatever my unknown reason may be, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I am waiting patiently and hopefully for him.
Since I am dressed appropriately for the winter in my thick, fox fur- lined coat, I decide to take a walk outside. And as I rise from my chair by the window, walk across my room and out my door onto the veranda, I feel him with me. My steps are soft and paced, with no destination and no purpose, and I can feel him walking silently beside me. Like the sharp winter air, memories blow across my face, through my loose hair, and around my body, enveloping me. So many things stored away inside my mind. So many that I do not need. So many that I wish I had but know I have lost. So many beautiful ones and so many ugly ones. More than anything in the world, I desire to replace those ugly memories with the ones that are to come. There are so many things I have to look forward to in my new life. There is so much left for me to do in my life.
I smile warmly to myself, reveling in the knowledge that one day soon I will see Mount Reikaku again and feel its shadow on my face. One day soon I will be free from the city; never again will I have to smell its unclean scent or look at its harshness. One day soon I will begin living again as I was meant to live. My smile broadens, and I draw my lovely blue and silver coat closer around my body, surrounding myself with hope.
I do not realize that I am being observed until I hear Okichi's lively giggle emerge from the air behind me. She appears suddenly at my side, her statuesque frame warmly wrapped up in a long, wool shawl that trails the ground at her heels.
"And just what are you smiling about?" she asks playfully, lifting an eyebrow.
I glance affectionately at her, my eyes warm, my lips still spread happily in a grin. "Things," I reply, my voice airy.
"Things?" she retorts, "Just things?"
I shake my head gently. "Things I never thought could be mine."
When she hears this, she understands, and I sigh softly as her arm wraps itself around my waist. She leans her head on mine momentarily as we walk together, then lifts it again to turn her eyes to mine. "I was thinking about those same things too," she replies.
I stop walking, and I keep my eyes on hers. "I want to tell you something, Tansho," she says, "It's something I never knew I could have. Never." A part of me is elated. A part of me is concerned. What does she speak of? Her strong hands slip into mine. "Tokizo has asked me to be his wife."
I can feel the inside of me begin to glow with warmth, and I am so ecstatic that for several long moments I can do nothing but smile. And then I howl in laughter like a lunatic, making Okichi's bright, clever eyes widen in astonishment. In one sudden movement, I've pulled her into my arms, laughing and grinning. My happiness for her surrounds me like a blanket made from the sun, making me forget the sharp chill of the winter air. Gods, can this be true? Can my darling Okichi, my sister, my friend, truly have finally found this kind of happiness? The glittering of her eyes answers my question, and once again I am overcome with pure glee and end up laughing even louder.
Our arms entwined, our lips spread in boisterous smiles, we continue strolling through the courtyard, simply enjoying each other's company and the wonderful news. By the way her teeth nibble her pink lips and her hands squeeze mine, I can tell she has so much to tell me. And finally, she does. In one long, breathless sigh she tells me the dreams of her future, and I listen so happily and peacefully that I wonder if I'm not walking through Heaven with her.
"He wants to purchase a townhouse near the palace," she gushes, "He took me to see it yesterday, and, oh, Tansho...it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen!"
Her words fall from her grinning lips like leaves falling from a tree, contentedly and softly. And I listen to every word she says, smiling and nodding and wondering and hoping. In the years I have known Okichi, she has never allowed herself to be so care-free. During our many days and nights in the brothel, she was always calm and nonchalant. She was clever and insightful. She always paid attention and never let her guard down for a moment. But now, as I walk with her beside me, listening to the plans she has for her life, I can feel no barrier around her. Okichi has always protected herself with her wisdom, but in this moment it is like she is naked. Her shell is gone. And I am here to witness its departure.
Still smiling, I listen on. And when she is too tired to speak any longer, I kiss her cheek and her hands and tell her how much I love her. And then I thank the gods for finally giving our lives back to us, to live as we please.
**************************************************************************** ************************
On a lovely day when the sun is glowing warm, Misa comes to me and tells me that Empress Hoki has asked her to continue living permanently in the palace. She has been asked to oversee the organization of the shelter being built to assist prostitutes desiring to leave their profession. I am at first surprised that Lady Hoki has done so much work in the few weeks since she mentioned her thoughts of this to me, but then I am overjoyed to hear that her mind has been on other things besides the loss of her beloved husband.
Misa's face reminds me of Okichi's – perfectly content. Her dark eyes shine with so much life that I must look away more than once. And her lips, just like Okichi's, cannot stop smiling.
My heart thunders inside of me. I am both unbelieving and overjoyed. Finally, after so many long years of suffering physically, mentally, and emotionally, the women whom I love more than my own life are finding their happiness. I think of Asako, how she endured beatings so severe that they left her with gaps in her teeth, and how she is now helping to bring children into the world with her gentle, callused hands. I think of Okichi, who found her lover in my protector and beloved friend, Tokizo. I think of Koi, who, to my delight, is obviously falling in love with my husband's most trusted friend. I think of Misa, who has found her calling in helping women who she was once like. And I think of myself, how I grew from a frightened girl child into a woman who eventually demanded her freedom. All of this thanks to a single man who dared to love me and dared to make me see myself.
I embrace Misa fiercely, trying my hardest not to start weeping. My dear little Misa. I have always admired her for her strength and determination. So sly. So seductive. I smile when I remember how she had tried the hardest of all the other women to bed Tasuki and win our little game. I will never forget her pouting lips and narrowed eyes. I will never forget any of these women. I grin madly into Misa's soft, coffee bean-colored hair. Who could forget these women?
**************************************************************************** ************************
By the third week of Tasuki and Chichiri's absence, my mind is tangled with worrisome thoughts even though my heart is still swollen from happiness upon hearing the good fortunes of my friends. Every now and then, I still have to remind myself that it is all true – that Asako is apprenticed to one of the greatest midwives in Konan and is already helping to deliver children into the world, that Okichi is going to wed Tokizo and live in a beautiful townhouse near the palace, that Misa is going to be the overseer of Lady Hoki's growing project to help women trapped in the business of selling themselves, that Koi is falling in love with Koji so swiftly and deeply that it seems like a dream. And that our lives are finally ours again. Each of us has chosen this for ourselves – absolutely none of it has been forced on any of us. And this thought alone lifts our souls so high that we wonder if we'll ever come down again.
It seems unreal. It seems far too wonderful to ever be true. But it is. I see its truth every time I visit Asako and Mayonaka in their home. I see it every time I witness a gentle kiss or caress shared between Okichi and Tokizo, or Koi and Koji. I see it when I watch Misa and Lady Hoki sitting in the shade of one of the courtyard gazebos, their enthusiastic voices and hand motions relaying all their hopes for the future of Konan's women. I see it everywhere around me, and I see that it is real. But I wish to see it next to me in the form of my husband. I miss him more and more as each day passes, and I find myself unknowingly spending more and more time idly, doing nothing but pining for him and worrying for him. I feel both proud and ashamed of myself. I feel both powerful and helpless. I am afraid. I am so afraid that he will not come back, and that I will be left here in the midst of my sadness as I watch the happiness of the people around me. These thoughts paralyze me at times, leaving me staring lifelessly into the distance, wondering. And it is in a moment like this, when my body is dead and my mind is battling itself, that I feel a strong hand press itself to my cheek and turn my face to the light.
Lady Junko stands above me, her regal physique outlined by the soft winter sunlight. Her black hair and sapphire-colored eyes gleam with so many emotions and thoughts that I find myself staring hard at her, trying to discern what she is made of. It has been a long while since we last spoke. We see each other often as we walk through the courtyard or down the verandas on our way to our business, but her duties as Headmistress of the Seraglio and my preoccupation with the absence of my husband has left us both lacking of each other's company. I smile warmly at her, happy to see her, and happy to feel the touch of another person.
"May I sit?" she asks quietly, inclining her head to my side. I am seated on the steps that lead up to the veranda of the building closest to the gates of the seraglio. My eyes had been fixed there only moments before, on the simple loveliness of the golden and iron gates that allow entry and exit to the harem. I want to be here when he comes back to the seraglio looking for me. I want to be right here waiting for him. I don't want him to have to search for me.
"Of course," I whisper to Lady Junko, scooting over slightly to allow her room. She seats herself on the smooth wooden plank of the step as elegantly as the action will allow, and folds her long, slender hands over her knees. Her shining blue eyes follow my gaze to the gates, and she sighs lightly into the chilled air.
"You're waiting for him, aren't you?" she asks, but I know that she knows the answer to her question.
I nod in response anyway.
"He won't be gone much longer," she continues. "If the stories I've heard from Misa, Koi, and Okichi are true, he has been forced to be away from you far more than he's been able to be with you. Is this true?"
Once again, I nod.
"I see. How unfortunate." Lady Junko's voice trails off into a soft hum, and I find myself frowning as I recognize it. It's from a song that tells the story of a woman separated from her lover for many years. She mourns for him and pines for him and prays for him to come back. But when he finally does, she no longer wants him because her love for him has been replaced with hatred. Over the course of the many years she spent wishing he hadn't left her, her heart eventually turned against him and blamed him for all her unhappiness. He died brokenhearted after she scorned him. She lived the rest of her life in bitterness and died alone, with only her hatred to comfort her.
I tear my eyes away from the gates to gaze at Junko. Her face is innocent, but her eyes tell me that she knows I've been reached. She looks at me long and hard and meaningfully.
"You were the one who helped Her Highness Lady Hoki lift herself from her sadness. You must not allow yourself to take her place. Your husband is still alive, and he is on his way back to you. Do not allow yourself to become the woman in that song. You are too great a woman to allow that to happen." Her words are swift and as sharp as the tip of a dagger. They strike me hard and leave me bruised and cut.
Her lips smile softly, and her eyes reach into mine momentarily before she rises to her feet and disappears into the shadows of the veranda. I gaze over my shoulder for a long time, even after I've lost sight of her. And when I have regained my senses, I rise as well, leaving the gates behind me to walk into the shadows.
In a single moment, my heart wakes up from its sleep of uncertainty. I cannot allow myself to worry and wonder and pray; I can only allow myself to keep my faith. I will not die like the woman in that song, full of bitterness and hatred for the man she once loved with all her power. I will die happy and warm and still in love. I will die in his arms, because he is coming back. Tasuki is returning for me one day soon. I can feel him at my back, getting closer and closer to me as each minute passes. And as I step inside my chambers, I thank Junko with everything I have for awakening me and helping me realize this once again.
A/N: Hey there all!! I hope all of you are still enjoying the story... even though it's obvious how close the end is to us... ( I'm very sorry but it may be quite awhile before the next update. I've got two weeks of school left and finals are upon me!!! Waaahhh! But anyways.
P/S. Sorry that I'm not replying to anyone's review. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate you, because I do!!! ^_^ It's just time as always. But I will answer to a reviewer who mentioned the FY novel about Nakago and Soi. Yeah, I knew that Soi used to be a prostitute, but I had no idea she was sold by her family at such a young age!! I've been wanting to read those novels, by the way, have they been printed in English? And are they even available in the U.S. yet?