A/N: Hello there, all! Just to let you know, I am out of school for the
summer and have decided to focus my full attention on this story in order
to end it the way it deserves. I've been neglecting it for awhile now
(actually ever since school re-started for spring semester), and I'm really
pissed at myself. I used to write every single day, now I'm lucky if I can
write once a week. I even saw that some of you, my readers, noticed my
neglect in how my last chapter was a bit of a bore. My biggest apologies
for that. I hope that neither this chapter nor the ones that come after it
will make you think that again. My goal as a writer is to entertain, move,
and inspire thoughts in my readers, and I'm sad to say that my last chapter
did not do that. So, thank you immensely for being honest with me; that is
what a writer needs in order to improve. I hope you enjoy this chapter
and, once again, please feel free to express all thoughts on it in your
reviews, whether they be good or bad.
Chapter 62
The Forgotten
The day after Lady Junko sat next to me and opened my eyes again, Koi comes to my room, her face glowing like the moon, her hair shining like gold, her eyes on fire. And I know before she even steps over my threshold that she has come here to tell me something about Koji. I can feel it in the way she smiles, in the way her breath slides over her lips like fog over water, in the way her hands entwine themselves together. I smirk teasingly at her, letting her know outright that I know why she's here.
"So," I reply, closing the door behind her, "What's happened? Anything I would be interested in?"
"You mean, anything in my bedroom?" she retorts slyly, tossing a glance over her sloped shoulder.
"Oh, Koi!" I answer playfully, "How dare you think me so crude?"
She plops down happily on my bed and folds her legs in front of her like a child would do. She grins madly at me and winks. "Because I know exactly how you are, Tansho. You haven't changed since our days in the Black Dove – always wanting to know all the delicious little details." She continues smiling, but I do not.
I close my eyes and simply stand still, my palm coming to rest on my face, covering one eye. How could she? How could she do this to me – to us? Bring up a memory of the Black Dove? I return my hand to my side and my eyes finally shift so that they focus properly, and I lock my gaze on Koi, partially accusing, partially confused. Only when I catch the glint of guilt in her dark pupils do I realize that she forgot herself. She didn't mean to. She didn't mean to speak the name of that place.
"It's alright," I whisper gently, sitting down beside her. Her eyes stare at me, so guilty and so wounded. She hurt herself as well as me. "It's alright," I repeat, firmer this time. She shakes her head slowly, as if to say I'm wrong. It's not alright. It should not have been spoken. It should not have been dug up from its grave.
"I remember so much, Tansho," she murmurs softly, resting her forehead on my shoulder, taking my hand in hers. "It just comes back to me sometimes when I least expect it. Forgive me. I didn't mean to make you remember it too."
"I already remember it," I answer, "I have just as many memories as you do. I guess that I've just learned how to keep them locked up well. We all have, in our own ways, but they cannot be forgotten. They'll always be there."
"But I guess that's not bad," Koi comments, lifting her head to look at me. "It's good it's remember – so that we can know how lucky we are." I nod silently, smiling softly at her pretty face.
"Yes," I reply.
"Do you remember what you did the first night you were there, in the Black Dove?" she asks.
My eyes narrow, intrigued by her question. It has been so many years ago. I was only a child then, and I most likely tried my hardest to forget whatever happened that night. But then I remember. My first customer was that fool of a man who tore my dress and pulled my hair trying to get me to succumb to him.
I inhale as I nod my head solemnly. "That idiot bastard took away my innocence. Gods how I wish he could have been a handsome merchant or one of those lovely farmers with dark skin and smooth arms." I am both angered and amused by my memories. Koi sighs and shakes her head at me.
"You're only remembering part of it, Tansho," she tells me, shifting her body to face me. "Don't you remember what happened? Don't you remember what you did?"
I look at her questioningly. What else is there to remember? He finally succeeded in ridding me of my clothes and restraining me by keeping a handful of my hair in his fist, threatening to rip off my entire scalp unless I quit thrashing. And then he had done what he had paid to do. It had hurt more than anything else I had ever felt, and I was left in shock, my thighs smeared with the blood from my torn skin, my eyes red with tears, my scalp sore from his constant pulling. But I had survived. And I have survived many others since that night. But everything is alright now. All that is gone, never to be re-lived. What else is there to remember?
Koi's eyes deepen as she realizes I don't remember what she apparently does. The expression on her face is one of amazement, mixed thickly with disbelief and anger. "I can't believe you've forgotten, Tansho. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen, and you can't remember it."
"Then tell me!" I shout impatiently, "Please!"
Her face softens in apology, and she settles herself into the comfort of my bed as if preparing to tell a great story that has been passed through the mouths and ears of hundreds of generations. It's almost amusing. But when she begins to speak, I understand the significance of my lost memory.
"When that man came out of the room where you and he had been, he looked as if a demon had torn him apart. His face, his arms, his chest, his back – hell, Tansho, even his legs were covered in blood! You had scratched the bloody hell out of him!" Koi's eyes are alive and full of fire, as if the memory has stoked her mind. "Shingen stared at him for the longest time, refusing to believe you had done that to him. The client just stood there like he had been hit upside the head with a stone and knocked senseless." She grins at me and suddenly bursts out laughing, falling back on my bed in a whoosh of cushions and linen. "You tore him to pieces, Tansho! Me and the other girls laughed and laughed for days, but poor little you – he had hurt you just as much as you hurt him." She stares up into the soft white chiffon of my canopy, the memory still playing out in her mind's eye. "Shingen locked you up outside for three days, keeping you chained to the latrines as punishment. But when he let you loose to deliver you to your next customer, you did the same thing. Client after client after client went into a room with you all proud and full of himself, and came out covered in blood and scratches, cursing and howling. You took your revenge before you ever needed to. "
I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to think. I did that to my first customers? "Why don't I remember any of this, Koi?" I ask quietly, still stunned by her story.
She sits up and faces me again, her expression now one of seriousness. "Because Shingen didn't want you to," she states flatly. "He finally had to resort to beating you every time you attacked your customers. Eventually, after your face was covered in bruises and cuts, your lips split open, and two of your ribs cracked, you stopped. You never did it again. In fact, you became a very good whore if my memory serves correctly." She allows herself a sad, sarcastic smile.
I stare at her, my eyes blank. Is she telling me the truth? Did I really do what she says I did? Her face answers all of my questions with an echoing "yes". And I forgot it all. If only I had continued, maybe I could have eventually escaped. If only my will and little body could have withstood Shingen's fists. Maybe things would have been different for me.
But would I have met Tasuki? Would I be here now, surrounded by the beauty and the safety of the palace? Would my friends finally be having their chance to find happiness? No. The answer is no, and I know it.
I sigh heavily as if glad to finally be rid of something, but I'm not sure what that something is. I look at Koi, who is looking at me, an odd mixture of regret, happiness, and sadness swirling in her eyes like a whirlpool. I am grateful to her for telling me what I have forgotten. It was like a small revelation – knowing that I was not demure and helpless when I first arrived at the Black Dove. I was stubborn and headstrong, and I still am – I just happened to forget about it for five years.
"You know," Koi pipes up, "I did come here to tell you something about Koji."
My attention instantly caught by the mention of his name, I turn to face my friend, a broad smile on my lips. "Really?" I inquire, my voice coy and soft. She nods happily.
"He has asked me to come with him when he returns to Mount Reikaku," she replies.
My hands rise to my lips, covering them to keep from yelling in happiness. My eyes widen and stare at Koi in disbelief and joy, unsure of what to say or do. She simply sits and smiles nonchalantly, as if she expected me to be speechless and planned ahead of time to appear aloof. Suddenly, I have her in my arms, embracing her with all I have, wanting to press her so close to me that she can feel how blissful my soul is. But she only laughs heartily and hugs me in return, as if she has no care in the world. And I realize in this moment just how much I love Koi.
"You're really coming with us?" I ask, sitting back momentarily to gaze at her.
She nods and smiles broader. "He's waiting for Tasuki to come back. And once he's back and you're ready to go too, he and I are going to go with the two of you back to the mountain."
"I can't believe it," I whisper, "You're really coming with us? You're coming to live on the mountain?"
"Yes!" she laughs.
"We get to stay together? I don't have to leave you behind?"
"No!"
I burst out laughing. And my laughs are deep and strong and full of all the emotions swirling around inside of me. I feel joy and surprise and sadness and love, all flowing around inside of my soul like a river. I hold Koi in my arms and thank every god that I know of. I get to keep her. We get to stay together. It isn't until this moment that I realize how much sadness I was carrying around inside of me, thinking about the wonderful day when I will leave with Tasuki – and the horrible day that I will leave behind the women who have been my only family for five years. I knew it would be hard for me, but it isn't until now when I know I don't have to leave them all that I understand how truly emotionally crushing it will be for me – and now for Koi as well.
We pull away from each other, knowing what the other is thinking, knowing what sorrow is to come. But we have each other. She has Koji. I have Tasuki. And, thank the gods, we have each other. Both she and I have endured many things together, and we have survived them all. We will survive this, too – we have been trained well.
On a night that is cold and dark and beautiful, I dream of my mother. I do not expect to see her when I blow out the lamp at my bedside and curl myself happily into the warm linens of my bed. But there she is, smiling at me the moment I close my eyes.
She lies beside me, her hands cradling her face, her eyes sleepy. She is just as I remember her – perfectly lovely, with no flaw evident to her daughter's eyes. Her hair still shines like polished mahogany. Her eyes still seem to be filled with smoke. The scent of her exotic, provocative perfume flows throughout the air of my chambers, caressing and permeating everything, just as it did to our home and her tailor shop so many years ago.
"Hello, Tansho," she whispers to me, her pale hand reaching out from beneath the linens to take mine. Her skin is warm and smooth, just as it was when she would take my hand in hers to guide the needle into the fabric. I come close to weeping when I feel her touch me. It has been so long since I felt her touch. And she sees the pain as it flashes across my face, because I see it mirrored on hers instantly. "Oh, my darling," she murmurs, her soft voice flowing like honey over my skin, "You have no reason in the world to cry."
"I do, Mother," I answer slowly, "My husband is gone." I speak to her as if she knows nothing of the life I have lived since the day she died, even though I know she does. Her eyes close slowly and heavily, as if she is dozing off, but then they snap open, and I see inside of her.
"But he is not dead," she states, her tone of voice suggesting that this is a known fact, as if stating that the sky is blue and that I am a woman. My eyebrows come together in inquiry.
"I don't know this for sure," I whisper, almost sounding helpless.
Suddenly, my mother bolts upright, her dark hair swirling, her eyes aggravated just as they were whenever I would snap a thread and be forced to unravel all of my work. "Yes you do!" she cries out. "You just won't allow yourself to believe it. You want to believe that he is still living and on his way back to you, and yet a part of you does not. You are afraid, Tansho."
"Afraid?" I ask, "What am I afraid of?"
"You're afraid of being happy, you silly girl," she replies, her sensuous voice softening again to the tone that if so sweetly familiar to me. Her hands cup my cheeks. I can feel the small, hard calluses on the tips of her first finger and thumb. All the years of sewing and embroidering gowns made them rise like little hills on her otherwise smooth fingers. Her ash-colored eyes peer hard into mine, forcing me to see for myself what she is trying to tell me. "You've had happiness stolen from you so many times that you've begun to fear possessing it fully. You're content to feel it, but you're afraid to live within it."
I lift my hands and press them over my mother's, pushing the warm skin of her palm harder against my cheeks. Is my mother speaking the truth? A portion of me already believes; it is the child within me that is willing to believe every word that is whispered from her mother's lips. And yet the woman within me is beginning to believe as well. Is this why my faith in Tasuki has faltered so many times in the past? Is this why I sometimes dread his return as much as I long for it? I look up at my mother and narrow my confused eyes at her. Could this be the real reason I pushed him away in the beginning? Could this be the real reason I feared returning to the mountain? Happiness?
"Mama," I whisper, my voice ragged. I sit up and fall into her, my face pressing against her soft breasts, my arms curling around her. I cry as softly as the rain, but my heart is crying harder. I believe my mother's words wholly now. I fear my own happiness because I fear it will eventually be taken away from me. My head rises, and my eyes meet my mother's, demanding an answer for my unspoken question.
"Will it be taken away again?" I whisper.
She smiles, instantly comforting me. "Only if you allow it to be."
I nod and exhale heavily, feeling as if I have finally been able to roll a thousand rocks from my aching shoulders. I wipe the tears from the edges of my eyes with my sleeve and smile gently at my mother.
"You have grown into a lovely woman, Tansho," she says to me, running a callused fingertip down the bridge of my nose and beneath my chin, tracing my face. "I can see so much strength and wisdom in your face. It makes you shine like the surface of the moon." She pulls me to her and presses her lips against mine, then embraces me. I can hear her lungs breathing in my scent. I can feel her hands tracing the arches of my shoulder blades. I can feel her heart beating hard against mine. I wrap my arms around her body, knowing that she is going to leave me again very shortly.
"You have found such a wonderful love, my beloved daughter," she whispers into the waves of my hair, "You must keep him with you always. He will be to your soul what water is to your body."
A/N: Hi there once again! I hope this chapter offered more than my last did, because to me it is one of the most pivotal in the story. Tansho discovers that she has always been a strong-willed person, therefore allowing her to survive for so long. And she also makes peace with herself during her conversation with her mother. I have thought and thought and thought of why I could not simply make Tansho happy, and while in the middle of this chapter, I understood. She is afraid of happiness because it has been taken away from her so many times. It is as simple as that. And there are thousands of other people exactly like her. That's what is so sad, but also so encouraging.
Thanks again for all your reviews and thanks for reading this story so faithfully!! You've been my greatest support!
Aama
Chapter 62
The Forgotten
The day after Lady Junko sat next to me and opened my eyes again, Koi comes to my room, her face glowing like the moon, her hair shining like gold, her eyes on fire. And I know before she even steps over my threshold that she has come here to tell me something about Koji. I can feel it in the way she smiles, in the way her breath slides over her lips like fog over water, in the way her hands entwine themselves together. I smirk teasingly at her, letting her know outright that I know why she's here.
"So," I reply, closing the door behind her, "What's happened? Anything I would be interested in?"
"You mean, anything in my bedroom?" she retorts slyly, tossing a glance over her sloped shoulder.
"Oh, Koi!" I answer playfully, "How dare you think me so crude?"
She plops down happily on my bed and folds her legs in front of her like a child would do. She grins madly at me and winks. "Because I know exactly how you are, Tansho. You haven't changed since our days in the Black Dove – always wanting to know all the delicious little details." She continues smiling, but I do not.
I close my eyes and simply stand still, my palm coming to rest on my face, covering one eye. How could she? How could she do this to me – to us? Bring up a memory of the Black Dove? I return my hand to my side and my eyes finally shift so that they focus properly, and I lock my gaze on Koi, partially accusing, partially confused. Only when I catch the glint of guilt in her dark pupils do I realize that she forgot herself. She didn't mean to. She didn't mean to speak the name of that place.
"It's alright," I whisper gently, sitting down beside her. Her eyes stare at me, so guilty and so wounded. She hurt herself as well as me. "It's alright," I repeat, firmer this time. She shakes her head slowly, as if to say I'm wrong. It's not alright. It should not have been spoken. It should not have been dug up from its grave.
"I remember so much, Tansho," she murmurs softly, resting her forehead on my shoulder, taking my hand in hers. "It just comes back to me sometimes when I least expect it. Forgive me. I didn't mean to make you remember it too."
"I already remember it," I answer, "I have just as many memories as you do. I guess that I've just learned how to keep them locked up well. We all have, in our own ways, but they cannot be forgotten. They'll always be there."
"But I guess that's not bad," Koi comments, lifting her head to look at me. "It's good it's remember – so that we can know how lucky we are." I nod silently, smiling softly at her pretty face.
"Yes," I reply.
"Do you remember what you did the first night you were there, in the Black Dove?" she asks.
My eyes narrow, intrigued by her question. It has been so many years ago. I was only a child then, and I most likely tried my hardest to forget whatever happened that night. But then I remember. My first customer was that fool of a man who tore my dress and pulled my hair trying to get me to succumb to him.
I inhale as I nod my head solemnly. "That idiot bastard took away my innocence. Gods how I wish he could have been a handsome merchant or one of those lovely farmers with dark skin and smooth arms." I am both angered and amused by my memories. Koi sighs and shakes her head at me.
"You're only remembering part of it, Tansho," she tells me, shifting her body to face me. "Don't you remember what happened? Don't you remember what you did?"
I look at her questioningly. What else is there to remember? He finally succeeded in ridding me of my clothes and restraining me by keeping a handful of my hair in his fist, threatening to rip off my entire scalp unless I quit thrashing. And then he had done what he had paid to do. It had hurt more than anything else I had ever felt, and I was left in shock, my thighs smeared with the blood from my torn skin, my eyes red with tears, my scalp sore from his constant pulling. But I had survived. And I have survived many others since that night. But everything is alright now. All that is gone, never to be re-lived. What else is there to remember?
Koi's eyes deepen as she realizes I don't remember what she apparently does. The expression on her face is one of amazement, mixed thickly with disbelief and anger. "I can't believe you've forgotten, Tansho. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen, and you can't remember it."
"Then tell me!" I shout impatiently, "Please!"
Her face softens in apology, and she settles herself into the comfort of my bed as if preparing to tell a great story that has been passed through the mouths and ears of hundreds of generations. It's almost amusing. But when she begins to speak, I understand the significance of my lost memory.
"When that man came out of the room where you and he had been, he looked as if a demon had torn him apart. His face, his arms, his chest, his back – hell, Tansho, even his legs were covered in blood! You had scratched the bloody hell out of him!" Koi's eyes are alive and full of fire, as if the memory has stoked her mind. "Shingen stared at him for the longest time, refusing to believe you had done that to him. The client just stood there like he had been hit upside the head with a stone and knocked senseless." She grins at me and suddenly bursts out laughing, falling back on my bed in a whoosh of cushions and linen. "You tore him to pieces, Tansho! Me and the other girls laughed and laughed for days, but poor little you – he had hurt you just as much as you hurt him." She stares up into the soft white chiffon of my canopy, the memory still playing out in her mind's eye. "Shingen locked you up outside for three days, keeping you chained to the latrines as punishment. But when he let you loose to deliver you to your next customer, you did the same thing. Client after client after client went into a room with you all proud and full of himself, and came out covered in blood and scratches, cursing and howling. You took your revenge before you ever needed to. "
I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to think. I did that to my first customers? "Why don't I remember any of this, Koi?" I ask quietly, still stunned by her story.
She sits up and faces me again, her expression now one of seriousness. "Because Shingen didn't want you to," she states flatly. "He finally had to resort to beating you every time you attacked your customers. Eventually, after your face was covered in bruises and cuts, your lips split open, and two of your ribs cracked, you stopped. You never did it again. In fact, you became a very good whore if my memory serves correctly." She allows herself a sad, sarcastic smile.
I stare at her, my eyes blank. Is she telling me the truth? Did I really do what she says I did? Her face answers all of my questions with an echoing "yes". And I forgot it all. If only I had continued, maybe I could have eventually escaped. If only my will and little body could have withstood Shingen's fists. Maybe things would have been different for me.
But would I have met Tasuki? Would I be here now, surrounded by the beauty and the safety of the palace? Would my friends finally be having their chance to find happiness? No. The answer is no, and I know it.
I sigh heavily as if glad to finally be rid of something, but I'm not sure what that something is. I look at Koi, who is looking at me, an odd mixture of regret, happiness, and sadness swirling in her eyes like a whirlpool. I am grateful to her for telling me what I have forgotten. It was like a small revelation – knowing that I was not demure and helpless when I first arrived at the Black Dove. I was stubborn and headstrong, and I still am – I just happened to forget about it for five years.
"You know," Koi pipes up, "I did come here to tell you something about Koji."
My attention instantly caught by the mention of his name, I turn to face my friend, a broad smile on my lips. "Really?" I inquire, my voice coy and soft. She nods happily.
"He has asked me to come with him when he returns to Mount Reikaku," she replies.
My hands rise to my lips, covering them to keep from yelling in happiness. My eyes widen and stare at Koi in disbelief and joy, unsure of what to say or do. She simply sits and smiles nonchalantly, as if she expected me to be speechless and planned ahead of time to appear aloof. Suddenly, I have her in my arms, embracing her with all I have, wanting to press her so close to me that she can feel how blissful my soul is. But she only laughs heartily and hugs me in return, as if she has no care in the world. And I realize in this moment just how much I love Koi.
"You're really coming with us?" I ask, sitting back momentarily to gaze at her.
She nods and smiles broader. "He's waiting for Tasuki to come back. And once he's back and you're ready to go too, he and I are going to go with the two of you back to the mountain."
"I can't believe it," I whisper, "You're really coming with us? You're coming to live on the mountain?"
"Yes!" she laughs.
"We get to stay together? I don't have to leave you behind?"
"No!"
I burst out laughing. And my laughs are deep and strong and full of all the emotions swirling around inside of me. I feel joy and surprise and sadness and love, all flowing around inside of my soul like a river. I hold Koi in my arms and thank every god that I know of. I get to keep her. We get to stay together. It isn't until this moment that I realize how much sadness I was carrying around inside of me, thinking about the wonderful day when I will leave with Tasuki – and the horrible day that I will leave behind the women who have been my only family for five years. I knew it would be hard for me, but it isn't until now when I know I don't have to leave them all that I understand how truly emotionally crushing it will be for me – and now for Koi as well.
We pull away from each other, knowing what the other is thinking, knowing what sorrow is to come. But we have each other. She has Koji. I have Tasuki. And, thank the gods, we have each other. Both she and I have endured many things together, and we have survived them all. We will survive this, too – we have been trained well.
On a night that is cold and dark and beautiful, I dream of my mother. I do not expect to see her when I blow out the lamp at my bedside and curl myself happily into the warm linens of my bed. But there she is, smiling at me the moment I close my eyes.
She lies beside me, her hands cradling her face, her eyes sleepy. She is just as I remember her – perfectly lovely, with no flaw evident to her daughter's eyes. Her hair still shines like polished mahogany. Her eyes still seem to be filled with smoke. The scent of her exotic, provocative perfume flows throughout the air of my chambers, caressing and permeating everything, just as it did to our home and her tailor shop so many years ago.
"Hello, Tansho," she whispers to me, her pale hand reaching out from beneath the linens to take mine. Her skin is warm and smooth, just as it was when she would take my hand in hers to guide the needle into the fabric. I come close to weeping when I feel her touch me. It has been so long since I felt her touch. And she sees the pain as it flashes across my face, because I see it mirrored on hers instantly. "Oh, my darling," she murmurs, her soft voice flowing like honey over my skin, "You have no reason in the world to cry."
"I do, Mother," I answer slowly, "My husband is gone." I speak to her as if she knows nothing of the life I have lived since the day she died, even though I know she does. Her eyes close slowly and heavily, as if she is dozing off, but then they snap open, and I see inside of her.
"But he is not dead," she states, her tone of voice suggesting that this is a known fact, as if stating that the sky is blue and that I am a woman. My eyebrows come together in inquiry.
"I don't know this for sure," I whisper, almost sounding helpless.
Suddenly, my mother bolts upright, her dark hair swirling, her eyes aggravated just as they were whenever I would snap a thread and be forced to unravel all of my work. "Yes you do!" she cries out. "You just won't allow yourself to believe it. You want to believe that he is still living and on his way back to you, and yet a part of you does not. You are afraid, Tansho."
"Afraid?" I ask, "What am I afraid of?"
"You're afraid of being happy, you silly girl," she replies, her sensuous voice softening again to the tone that if so sweetly familiar to me. Her hands cup my cheeks. I can feel the small, hard calluses on the tips of her first finger and thumb. All the years of sewing and embroidering gowns made them rise like little hills on her otherwise smooth fingers. Her ash-colored eyes peer hard into mine, forcing me to see for myself what she is trying to tell me. "You've had happiness stolen from you so many times that you've begun to fear possessing it fully. You're content to feel it, but you're afraid to live within it."
I lift my hands and press them over my mother's, pushing the warm skin of her palm harder against my cheeks. Is my mother speaking the truth? A portion of me already believes; it is the child within me that is willing to believe every word that is whispered from her mother's lips. And yet the woman within me is beginning to believe as well. Is this why my faith in Tasuki has faltered so many times in the past? Is this why I sometimes dread his return as much as I long for it? I look up at my mother and narrow my confused eyes at her. Could this be the real reason I pushed him away in the beginning? Could this be the real reason I feared returning to the mountain? Happiness?
"Mama," I whisper, my voice ragged. I sit up and fall into her, my face pressing against her soft breasts, my arms curling around her. I cry as softly as the rain, but my heart is crying harder. I believe my mother's words wholly now. I fear my own happiness because I fear it will eventually be taken away from me. My head rises, and my eyes meet my mother's, demanding an answer for my unspoken question.
"Will it be taken away again?" I whisper.
She smiles, instantly comforting me. "Only if you allow it to be."
I nod and exhale heavily, feeling as if I have finally been able to roll a thousand rocks from my aching shoulders. I wipe the tears from the edges of my eyes with my sleeve and smile gently at my mother.
"You have grown into a lovely woman, Tansho," she says to me, running a callused fingertip down the bridge of my nose and beneath my chin, tracing my face. "I can see so much strength and wisdom in your face. It makes you shine like the surface of the moon." She pulls me to her and presses her lips against mine, then embraces me. I can hear her lungs breathing in my scent. I can feel her hands tracing the arches of my shoulder blades. I can feel her heart beating hard against mine. I wrap my arms around her body, knowing that she is going to leave me again very shortly.
"You have found such a wonderful love, my beloved daughter," she whispers into the waves of my hair, "You must keep him with you always. He will be to your soul what water is to your body."
A/N: Hi there once again! I hope this chapter offered more than my last did, because to me it is one of the most pivotal in the story. Tansho discovers that she has always been a strong-willed person, therefore allowing her to survive for so long. And she also makes peace with herself during her conversation with her mother. I have thought and thought and thought of why I could not simply make Tansho happy, and while in the middle of this chapter, I understood. She is afraid of happiness because it has been taken away from her so many times. It is as simple as that. And there are thousands of other people exactly like her. That's what is so sad, but also so encouraging.
Thanks again for all your reviews and thanks for reading this story so faithfully!! You've been my greatest support!
Aama