Chapter 64
Burden
It is a beautiful, bright, chilled day when I decide that it is time to begin packing for my impending trip to the mountain. I open my wardrobe doors wide and pull my mother's dark cedar chest from the bottom. It's only when I have it opened and sitting on top of my bed that I realize it would be impossible to carry this thing the week's journey to Mount Reikaku. My heart sinks down inside of me at the thought of leaving my mother's cedar trunk behind, and yet I know in my sunken heart that it cannot be taken. I now have no idea what can be used to pack my clothes in. The day before, Lady Hoki had presented a parting gift to Tasuki, Koi, Koji, and I – two pairs of beautiful mares on which to travel the week's journey to Reikaku. Therefore, I decide I need something designed for being carried upon a horse's back.
Now knowing what needs to be done, I slip quickly into my bathing room to call on Naho by pulling the silk cord. She arrives at my door a few moments later, her face bright and questioning.
"Yes, my lady?" she asks sweetly.
"Naho, I need you to go to the stables and request a set of saddlebags for myself and a set for Lady Koi as well," I reply, "And also a few satchels if they are available."
My young handmaid scurries away on her mission, and as she is leaving I see Misa emerge from her room. I call out to her to get her attention, and she lifts her face to smile at me. "And what are you doing this afternoon?" she asks when she reaches my chambers.
"I've decided that's it's probably time I start packing," I answer, "If you have nothing to do, would you mind helping me?"
My dear friend is more than happy to assist me, and it's not long before we've begun emptying my wardrobe to see what needs to be taken and what needs to be left behind, there is a knock at the door. Koi, Okichi, and Lady Junko all stand with Naho, whose little arms are laden with several leather saddlebags and canvas satchels.
"Naho tells us that you're packing up your things for the journey to the mountain," Okichi replies, her tone of voice excited. "We'd love to help."
I glance over at Koi. "And when we're done here, we'll probably need two or three of the courtesans to help us pack up Koi's things," I say playfully, making my darling friend scowl momentarily at me.
After about an hour of sifting through the numerous under robes and gowns and sashes and slippers that fill my wardrobe, I suddenly realize that none of the clothes I own would be appropriate traveling clothes. The gowns' long hems would keep me from mounting the horse comfortably, and what I wore would no doubt be covered in dust and mud by the time we reach the mountain. The thought of ruining one of these beautiful gowns horrifies me. As if reading me mind, Lady Junko lays down a lovely red over robe that she had been inspecting and announces that she has a gift for Koi and I. She hurries off to her chambers and returns a few minutes later with two large bundles, each wrapped in bright-colored paper and tied with string. She hands one to me and the other to Koi, smiling all the while.
"I supposed that you would not wish to wear one of your fine gowns on the journey, so I had a set of appropriate clothes made for you," she tells us, smiling in her elegant way.
My heart deeply moved by my dear friend's generosity, I simply hold my brightly colored bundle for several moments, feeling its soft weight in my arms. I then set it down on my lavender coverlet and begin untying the string that binds it together. Koi follows my lead, and soon we have unwrapped our gifts. I can see that it is clothing, but when I lift the garment on top of the bundle and spread it out in the air in front of me to admire it, I am overwhelmed to see a pair of beautiful pantaloons the color of sand. The cinched ankles of the pants give the legs a voluptuous curve that mimics the movement of a gown, but allows for more freedom and movement of the legs. I clutch the pantaloons to my chest and exhale in delight. Junko's sapphire eyes are shining vividly, smiling at me.
"I adore them!" I cry, flinging the pantaloons to arm's length again to admire them.
"There's more there, silly," Lady Junko replies, coming to my side and lifting the next garment from the bundle of paper on my bed. A lovely azure blue under robe cropped so that is sits just above the knee dangles from her elegant fingers. Smiling, I reach for the next piece of clothing and lift an astoundingly beautiful crimson over robe into the air. The sleeve and bottom hems are embroidered with deep, rich images of flowers -- peonies and orchids gleam in vibrant creams and golds and lavenders. I am captivated and overwhelmed.
"Thank you so much" I whisper to Junko, taking her hand in mine.
"Don't act like you've been given immortality or something like that," she protests, squeezing my hand in return, "I just thought you'd need something nice to travel in."
Koi studies her gift next, revealing an equally gorgeous ensemble of lavender pantaloons coupled with a deep red under robe and a midnight blue over robe embroidered with silver across the bodice. She slips the dark over robe over her shoulders momentarily, and we all marvel at how the dark fabric sets off her golden hair. She hugs Lady Junko and kisses her cheek, very near to tears. Koi has not been given many gifts in her lifetime.
We continue packing for the better part of an hour, scouring my wardrobe, sleeping chambers, and bathing room for any thing that I may need to take with me to the mountain, but at the same time I make sure to pack only what I know to be necessary. In the end, the saddlebags and pouches are packed with only three sets of under and over robes, matching sashes and slippers, a cube of my favorite sandalwood soap, a sea sponge, a few cotton sleeping gowns, and my mother's black and crimson gown. In a small drawstring bag I pack two pairs of earrings, a bracelet, a necklace, the scarlet pendant that His Highness gave to me, and a single hair ornament -- the pearl hair pin that I wore when I paid my last respects to His Highness. The day that we leave for the mountain, I will wear the dark azure overcoat, red and blue earrings, and ruby hair clasp that Tasuki gave to me as gifts. I will take nothing else with me when I go. I need nothing else.
After my belongings have been packed away, we migrate to Koi's room and begin working there. It takes yet another few hours to sift through her many new clothes, deciding which she should bring and which should be left behind. At last, she decides to pack in much the same way I did -- taking nothing but the necessities and a few sentimental things.
It is dusk by the time the last pouch has been tied closed and stored away until the journey. The women all press kisses upon our cheeks and file back to their rooms, waving and laughing and sighing as they go, both happy and sad that Koi and I are preparing to leave them behind. Koi yawns and declares it her bedtime, and I smile and embrace her before she retires as well. Only Naho and Lady Junko remain. I run my fingers through my little handmaiden's soft hair and kiss her forehead, thanking her for her help. She simply smiles in the innocent way in which she always does, and returns to her room.
"You will be missed," Lady Junko says once we are alone, her piercing blue eyes gazing off in the direction of the horizon, watching the yellow and red sun sink into the darkness of the ocean. "I have never known a woman like you, Tansho. Out of all the women that have come and gone from this seraglio in my years here, I have not once known one remotely like you." She turns and gazes at me in the same manner in which she was gazing at the sunset, and I am more honored in this moment than any I can remember.
I am standing on the edge of the veranda, my palms resting on the wooden banister that separate me from the magnificent courtyard before me. My hands squeeze the wood as my emotions wash over me. Lady Junko turns her elegant body towards mine and walks in my direction, her eyes on me the entire time, watching me. I study the sway of the ruffled hem of her gown and the way her slender, slipper-clad feet poke out momentarily from the ruffles with each step she takes. Her dark, glistening hair frames her pale face, making her beauty almost overwhelming. Why she looks at me with such respect in her eyes is beyond me. She stops at my side and looks down at me, smiling faintly.
"You do realize the power you have inside of you, don't you?" she asks, her tone of voice purely serious with a hint of concern underlying it. Her voice is deep and rich, and reminds me so wonderfully of satin.
"I realize that I have something in me that has kept me alive," I answer truthfully, "I don't know if I would describe it as powerful, though."
"But it is," the headmistress replies. "You have a gift, my dear. You have the astounding ability to command respect with a simple glance of your eyes. You can speak and one is instantly demanded to listen to your every word. And yet you have such kindness and love in your heart and such courage in your spirit that the power in you becomes elegance." She smiles again and reaches out her hand, pressing her smooth fingertips to my cheeks. "The only other woman I can think of who remotely resembles you is the Lady Priestess. You both have strong bodies that protect even stronger souls – how else could you both have lived through the many things that have aimed to harm you? You and she are kindred. You have a good heart, Tansho. A good, courageous heart that I shall always remember."
I cannot reply to this. I can feel the tears swimming behind my eyes, and I long to let them go. But I promised myself there would be no more crying. I have nothing left in this world to cry about. For once in my life, I have nothing to worry over. There is nothing bad in my life. There is no more sorrow. And yet Junko's words resound inside my head, moving my soul, making it churn and clench, making my desire to weep unbearable. And so I cry. I look up into Junko's eyes, looking at her elegance, her beauty, her undeniable wisdom, and I weep for myself in a way I never have before. Never before has such words been spoken to me. Never before has my spirit been unwound and laid out in front of me so that I may see it for myself. It is amazing. It is breathtaking. Junko takes me into her arms and presses her cheek to the top of my head, embracing me fully and completely.
I feel honored to know a woman like her. I feel honored to know all of the women I know -- my beloved Koi, Okichi, Misa, and Asako, Mayonaka, Lady Hoki, Naho, Lady Junko – and the Lady Priestess. They all have a presence that draws me closer and closer until I am captivated by them. I will never forget any of them. If I never see any of them again, I will always remember every detail about them -- the texture of their hair, the shade of their skin, the tones of their voices, the way they walk and laugh and smile. They could never be forgotten.
Lady Junko and I part ways soon after the sun has sunk behind the west wall of the seraglio, and I turn in the direction of my chambers, looking forward to seeing Tasuki since the both of us has been preoccupied all day -- me with my packing, and him with the preparations for our departure. My thoughts are drifting calmly when I catch sight of Chichiri walking towards me, his bright blue hair shining in the new moonlight. He notices me as well and lifts a hand in greeting. When we reach each other, he offers a pleasant smile, and I happily return it.
"I've just come from your chambers, Tansho," he replies, "Tasuki and I were having a sort of farewell chat, ya' know. "
"But we're not leaving for another few days," I answer.
"True, but there can never be just one farewell chat between friends, ya' know. Most likely we'll have another before your departure," he explains, smiling again.
I smile sadly and lower my eyelids to hide the sorrow in my eyes. It has been so hard on Tasuki the last few months -- the war, losing his friends, and now he's returning home and leaving behind probably his dearest friend other than Koji. I gaze back at Chichiri and study the mask that covers his face. I can detect no line where the skin of his jaw meets the material of the mask, and other than the somewhat bland expression of his face, it is sometimes very hard to even notice the mask.
"Chichiri," I reply, folding my hands together in front of me, "What do you think of me?"
Truthfully, I have no idea in hell why I would ask such a brazen, unexpected thing, so, understandably, I'm rather ashamed of myself right after I've spoken. In all actuality, I do not expect an answer from him -- much less the one that I do receive.
"I think that you're one of the bravest people I've ever known. I don't believe I've ever met a person who has done the things that you have done, ya' know," he answers softly. I see the lines on his mask that represent his eyes draw into straight lines, proving his seriousness. Suddenly, I realize why I asked him that question.
"Have I been a burden to Tasuki?" I ask, my voice entirely unsure of itself. "If he had never known me, would things have been different for him -- for all of you?"
"Of course things would have been different, Tansho," he answers, coming to stand closer to me. "One person can very easily change the progress of time, but I do not think you a burden to Tasuki. Not at all. Truthfully, I think of you as his savior. I doubt he would have done half the things he did if he had never known you, ya' know." He reaches out a hand and places his palm on the curve of my shoulder, and I find that I like being near to him. I feel like I'm standing on the shore of a great ocean, listening to the waves rolling, feeling the breath of the water on my skin. He calms me. "I'm going to tell you something that I never planned on telling you, Tansho," he says to me. I glance up at him, surprised to see how much taller he is than I. He and Tasuki stand just about the same. "To tell you the truth, I thought we'd never see you again after that first night in the tavern. I had no idea that Tasuki would fall so in love with you, ya' know." He pauses and smiles at me, squeezing my shoulder gently with his slender fingers. "But I'm glad he did. Your presence has done alot for him -- for many of us. You're an inspirational woman, Tansho."
I am without words momentarily, but then I understand exactly what I am meant to say. "Thank you," I reply, my voice wavering, "And you have been an inspiration to me as well. All of the people I've known through Tasuki have changed my life in so many ways. His Highness, Lady Hoki, Nuriko, the Lady Priestess, you -- I have never known such people and I never will again, I suppose."
"This is true," he answers, and I can sense the sorrow flowing in the soft tones of his voice. "I feel lost now in a way," he continues. "Our mission is over. The battles have been fought and won, Suzaku has been summoned, Miaka has returned to her world, Konan is safe -- and I am unsure of what must be done now. ya' know."
"It is not over," I protest. "We still live and we must continue to do that. There is plenty to be done."
He seems to like my answer, for his face suddenly brightens in a way I have never seen it. Suddenly, I am struck with an odd desire that I hesitate on for only a moment before deciding that it must be acted upon. I gaze upwards into his masked face.
"May I ask you something, Chichiri?" I say, my voice very near a whisper. I see his brow narrow in question, but he nods his head.
"Please don't be offended," I continue, "I'm not asking this out of curiosity -- I just need to see." I smile faintly, but I know that my eyes reflect nothing but seriousness. "Would you take off your mask so that I can see your face?"
I am surprised to see a smile spread across his face. "Of course I'm not offended, Tansho," he answers, frowning at me as if I did something wrong. "The reason I wear this mask it to remind me of my past wrongdoings -- to make me remember every time I look in the mirror." He then takes his hand from my shoulder and presses his fingertips to the edges of the mask, pulling gently on the material until it lifts from the skin of his face. He lowers the mask and looks at me with his true face, and I see so many things there that I feel overwhelmed for a moment. I see the rich, light tone of his skin and the curves of his lips and his nose. It actually takes several long moments before I even take notice of his golden-colored eye and realize that it doesn't have a mate. The scar across his eyes is so jagged and menacing that I try not to grimace but can't stop myself from doing it. It reminds me of a claw, spread out over his eyelid, sealing it shut, blinding him. Without realizing what I'm doing, I reach my hand out and touch his cheek, pressing my fingertips gently to the place just beneath his scar. I do not touch it. I may begin to weep if I do, so I simply caress the edges of it. It was anger and sorrow and betrayal that gave him this scar.
I take my hand away and gaze into his good eye, admiring the amber shade of his iris. It reminds me of sunset, and I tell him so. He only laughs softly and averts his gaze from mine.
"Please don't be offended, Tansho," Chichiri replies, his gaze still directed at the courtyard instead of me, "But it's been quite awhile since a woman has looked at me like that, ya' know."
I take his hand in mine and squeeze it gently, liking the feel of his slender, smooth fingers. "I'm not at all offended," I answer firmly. "Not at all."
Finally, his gaze returns to mine and I set my eyes on his. "It has been an honor to know you, Chichiri."
"You as well, Tansho," he answers. With a final squeeze, I release his hand and watch as he carefully dons his mask again, pressing the edges to his temples and jawbone to ensure a tight fit. "Your husband is probably wondering where you're at, ya' know. You'd better be going."
"Yes," I agree, smiling in the direction of my chambers where I know Tasuki's waiting. I'm suddenly filled with a powerful longing to see him that makes my blood rush inside of me like ocean waves rushing onto the sand. "I should go."
We bid farewell just as the moon is uncovered by a shroud of clouds, and the moonlight washes over us, covering us like a blanket, making our skin shine. I find that I'm saddened by his departure, and by the fact that he and I have not had many conversations like this one. It is not hard to recognize the strength that Chichiri possess in his soft-spoken, gentle spirit. It is not hard at all.
When I reach my chambers, I find my husband lounging comfortably in a chair by the hearth. I close the door softly behind me so that he won't hear and sneak up behind him, sliding my arms around his shoulders once I reach his back. He starts for a minute before recognizing the touch of my skin on his, and then he relaxes happily into my embrace.
"I haven't seen you all day," he remarks, "I've missed you."
"And I've missed you," I reply, resting my chin upon his shoulder and pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. One of his hands takes mine and he pulls me front behind him until I'm at his side. He then suddenly grabs me by the waist and pulls me down into his lap, hugging me close to him, his arms encircling me. I lean sideways into him and rest my head in the hollow of his neck, happy to be in his arms again. As one of his callused hands mindlessly caresses my shoulder, the other continues to hug my waist, keeping me close.
I watch him, my eyes studying the side of his handsome face, roaming across the valleys and shadows of his skin. The firelight has shaded his hair ocher and his skin golden, enchanting me. I smile and snuggle deeper into his arms, pressing my nose and mouth to his throat to breathe in the scent of him -- a scent that still carries the earth and rain and forest upon it. When my eyes glance up, they catch him looking intently at me. His eyes seem concerned.
"What's wrong?" he asks, bringing his hand up to brush strands of dark hair from my face. I blink furiously for a few moments, worried that tears may try to come. But they don't, and I only smile, not wanting to burden him with my sorrows. He frowns, obviously disappointed that I don't wish to confide in him. He straightens his back somewhat, shifting our position so that I'm not sitting straight up in his lap. His hands fold over mine. "Tell me what's wrong," he asks again.
"I'm not sure," I answer truthfully. "I think that I'm just going to miss the seraglio, that's all. I've been here for so long that I've become very fond of the courtesans -- and Naho, Lady Junko and Empress Hoki. I'll miss them. I'll miss Okichi and Misa and Asako and Mayonaka, too. Won't you miss Chichiri?"
Tasuki looks at me, his eyes soft and understanding. "Of course I'll miss him," he says, glancing down at the soft carpet of my chambers. I see his eyes suddenly become unfocused, and I watch as they stare unknowingly into the brightness of the fire. I lean into him, curious and concerned, but then he speaks and I understand. "I miss them all," he whispers. "Nuriko...Chiriko....Mitsukake..." He then draws in a deep, almost ragged breath that startles me. "I miss His Highness and Tamahome. And I miss Miaka -- I miss her the most. You don't know how much I wanted her to stay; but I never told her that -- I never told anyone that. It wouldn't have been right. She's where she should be -- safe and happy in her own world. It wouldn't have been right for her to stay." He looks up at me, his eyes filled with sadness and longing.
"If I could just see them all again..." he whispers, "Just for a moment."
I reach my hand out and cradle his cheek within my palm, pulling him gently towards me until his head in resting in my arms. I embrace him fully, trying to comfort him without making him believe that he is weak for mourning. "I'm sorry," I say softly, whispering into his hair. "I'm sorry that they're gone."
"Me too," he answers. He lifts his head and looks at me, his eyes taking mine and holding them as if it were him embracing me in his arms. "But you're still here."
I nod slowly in response. "Yes," I answer, "Yes I am." I lean forward and press my lips to his as I caress his cheek with my fingertips. I smile into his lips, breaking the gentle kiss. "I'll always be here," I tell him.
"I've made preparations to leave the day after tomorrow," he says, his voice a strange mixture of sorrow, excitement, and dread.
"And I'll be ready," I answer.
Afterwards, we both fall into a deep sleep in my lavender bed, and I dream continuously of the mountain – my home.
A/N: Hello there, all! Once again, so sorry for how long it took to update, but you know how life can be (especially in the fabulous summer ). Well, although I hate to admit it, this is the next to the last chapter. One more update, and "Tansho" will be completed on FF. I'll make sure to thank everyone properly next chapter, but I just want to tell you all ahead of time how truly thankful I am to those who have read and reviewed this story so faithfully. You've assisted me in becoming a better writer by speaking your minds on anything and everything that interested you in this story.
Replies to reviewers:
Nako-chan: Thank you!
ShiningAngell: Thanks so much for all your wonderful comments; they're so insightful!
MysticKitty17: Thanks a lot for your comments (and as for your question about the # of chaps left... Not many!)
Neokosazume: Hehehe...thank you!
Railynn: Thanks a bunch! It's good to know that there are others out there like me! Oh, and congrats on getting married! I hope everything goes well for you...good luck!)
SL: I understand your point of view completely, and yes, I do realize that this story is quite long (and I do admit to dragging it out a bit in a few places, but that is larger due to the fact that I am still learning to be a professional writer. I'm not an experienced novelist just yet). But it is my firm belief that a piece of writing like this that has become a part of the author's life is better to be dragged out that rushed (I think it an insult to the story itself, actually). But I'm still very sorry that I have disappointed you. It is very hard for a writer to discover that her readers are no longer inspired by a story that used to move them. But I am writing this story to the best of my ability, and I am writing it as I see fit. And I will end it as I think it deserves. I'm so sorry if I have offended you in any way, but I think it an insult to my person and my love and desire to write if I do not defend myself and the products of my imagination and soul.
Thanks to all reviewers! Your comments, compliments, and everything else had helped me in many ways!
Aama
Burden
It is a beautiful, bright, chilled day when I decide that it is time to begin packing for my impending trip to the mountain. I open my wardrobe doors wide and pull my mother's dark cedar chest from the bottom. It's only when I have it opened and sitting on top of my bed that I realize it would be impossible to carry this thing the week's journey to Mount Reikaku. My heart sinks down inside of me at the thought of leaving my mother's cedar trunk behind, and yet I know in my sunken heart that it cannot be taken. I now have no idea what can be used to pack my clothes in. The day before, Lady Hoki had presented a parting gift to Tasuki, Koi, Koji, and I – two pairs of beautiful mares on which to travel the week's journey to Reikaku. Therefore, I decide I need something designed for being carried upon a horse's back.
Now knowing what needs to be done, I slip quickly into my bathing room to call on Naho by pulling the silk cord. She arrives at my door a few moments later, her face bright and questioning.
"Yes, my lady?" she asks sweetly.
"Naho, I need you to go to the stables and request a set of saddlebags for myself and a set for Lady Koi as well," I reply, "And also a few satchels if they are available."
My young handmaid scurries away on her mission, and as she is leaving I see Misa emerge from her room. I call out to her to get her attention, and she lifts her face to smile at me. "And what are you doing this afternoon?" she asks when she reaches my chambers.
"I've decided that's it's probably time I start packing," I answer, "If you have nothing to do, would you mind helping me?"
My dear friend is more than happy to assist me, and it's not long before we've begun emptying my wardrobe to see what needs to be taken and what needs to be left behind, there is a knock at the door. Koi, Okichi, and Lady Junko all stand with Naho, whose little arms are laden with several leather saddlebags and canvas satchels.
"Naho tells us that you're packing up your things for the journey to the mountain," Okichi replies, her tone of voice excited. "We'd love to help."
I glance over at Koi. "And when we're done here, we'll probably need two or three of the courtesans to help us pack up Koi's things," I say playfully, making my darling friend scowl momentarily at me.
After about an hour of sifting through the numerous under robes and gowns and sashes and slippers that fill my wardrobe, I suddenly realize that none of the clothes I own would be appropriate traveling clothes. The gowns' long hems would keep me from mounting the horse comfortably, and what I wore would no doubt be covered in dust and mud by the time we reach the mountain. The thought of ruining one of these beautiful gowns horrifies me. As if reading me mind, Lady Junko lays down a lovely red over robe that she had been inspecting and announces that she has a gift for Koi and I. She hurries off to her chambers and returns a few minutes later with two large bundles, each wrapped in bright-colored paper and tied with string. She hands one to me and the other to Koi, smiling all the while.
"I supposed that you would not wish to wear one of your fine gowns on the journey, so I had a set of appropriate clothes made for you," she tells us, smiling in her elegant way.
My heart deeply moved by my dear friend's generosity, I simply hold my brightly colored bundle for several moments, feeling its soft weight in my arms. I then set it down on my lavender coverlet and begin untying the string that binds it together. Koi follows my lead, and soon we have unwrapped our gifts. I can see that it is clothing, but when I lift the garment on top of the bundle and spread it out in the air in front of me to admire it, I am overwhelmed to see a pair of beautiful pantaloons the color of sand. The cinched ankles of the pants give the legs a voluptuous curve that mimics the movement of a gown, but allows for more freedom and movement of the legs. I clutch the pantaloons to my chest and exhale in delight. Junko's sapphire eyes are shining vividly, smiling at me.
"I adore them!" I cry, flinging the pantaloons to arm's length again to admire them.
"There's more there, silly," Lady Junko replies, coming to my side and lifting the next garment from the bundle of paper on my bed. A lovely azure blue under robe cropped so that is sits just above the knee dangles from her elegant fingers. Smiling, I reach for the next piece of clothing and lift an astoundingly beautiful crimson over robe into the air. The sleeve and bottom hems are embroidered with deep, rich images of flowers -- peonies and orchids gleam in vibrant creams and golds and lavenders. I am captivated and overwhelmed.
"Thank you so much" I whisper to Junko, taking her hand in mine.
"Don't act like you've been given immortality or something like that," she protests, squeezing my hand in return, "I just thought you'd need something nice to travel in."
Koi studies her gift next, revealing an equally gorgeous ensemble of lavender pantaloons coupled with a deep red under robe and a midnight blue over robe embroidered with silver across the bodice. She slips the dark over robe over her shoulders momentarily, and we all marvel at how the dark fabric sets off her golden hair. She hugs Lady Junko and kisses her cheek, very near to tears. Koi has not been given many gifts in her lifetime.
We continue packing for the better part of an hour, scouring my wardrobe, sleeping chambers, and bathing room for any thing that I may need to take with me to the mountain, but at the same time I make sure to pack only what I know to be necessary. In the end, the saddlebags and pouches are packed with only three sets of under and over robes, matching sashes and slippers, a cube of my favorite sandalwood soap, a sea sponge, a few cotton sleeping gowns, and my mother's black and crimson gown. In a small drawstring bag I pack two pairs of earrings, a bracelet, a necklace, the scarlet pendant that His Highness gave to me, and a single hair ornament -- the pearl hair pin that I wore when I paid my last respects to His Highness. The day that we leave for the mountain, I will wear the dark azure overcoat, red and blue earrings, and ruby hair clasp that Tasuki gave to me as gifts. I will take nothing else with me when I go. I need nothing else.
After my belongings have been packed away, we migrate to Koi's room and begin working there. It takes yet another few hours to sift through her many new clothes, deciding which she should bring and which should be left behind. At last, she decides to pack in much the same way I did -- taking nothing but the necessities and a few sentimental things.
It is dusk by the time the last pouch has been tied closed and stored away until the journey. The women all press kisses upon our cheeks and file back to their rooms, waving and laughing and sighing as they go, both happy and sad that Koi and I are preparing to leave them behind. Koi yawns and declares it her bedtime, and I smile and embrace her before she retires as well. Only Naho and Lady Junko remain. I run my fingers through my little handmaiden's soft hair and kiss her forehead, thanking her for her help. She simply smiles in the innocent way in which she always does, and returns to her room.
"You will be missed," Lady Junko says once we are alone, her piercing blue eyes gazing off in the direction of the horizon, watching the yellow and red sun sink into the darkness of the ocean. "I have never known a woman like you, Tansho. Out of all the women that have come and gone from this seraglio in my years here, I have not once known one remotely like you." She turns and gazes at me in the same manner in which she was gazing at the sunset, and I am more honored in this moment than any I can remember.
I am standing on the edge of the veranda, my palms resting on the wooden banister that separate me from the magnificent courtyard before me. My hands squeeze the wood as my emotions wash over me. Lady Junko turns her elegant body towards mine and walks in my direction, her eyes on me the entire time, watching me. I study the sway of the ruffled hem of her gown and the way her slender, slipper-clad feet poke out momentarily from the ruffles with each step she takes. Her dark, glistening hair frames her pale face, making her beauty almost overwhelming. Why she looks at me with such respect in her eyes is beyond me. She stops at my side and looks down at me, smiling faintly.
"You do realize the power you have inside of you, don't you?" she asks, her tone of voice purely serious with a hint of concern underlying it. Her voice is deep and rich, and reminds me so wonderfully of satin.
"I realize that I have something in me that has kept me alive," I answer truthfully, "I don't know if I would describe it as powerful, though."
"But it is," the headmistress replies. "You have a gift, my dear. You have the astounding ability to command respect with a simple glance of your eyes. You can speak and one is instantly demanded to listen to your every word. And yet you have such kindness and love in your heart and such courage in your spirit that the power in you becomes elegance." She smiles again and reaches out her hand, pressing her smooth fingertips to my cheeks. "The only other woman I can think of who remotely resembles you is the Lady Priestess. You both have strong bodies that protect even stronger souls – how else could you both have lived through the many things that have aimed to harm you? You and she are kindred. You have a good heart, Tansho. A good, courageous heart that I shall always remember."
I cannot reply to this. I can feel the tears swimming behind my eyes, and I long to let them go. But I promised myself there would be no more crying. I have nothing left in this world to cry about. For once in my life, I have nothing to worry over. There is nothing bad in my life. There is no more sorrow. And yet Junko's words resound inside my head, moving my soul, making it churn and clench, making my desire to weep unbearable. And so I cry. I look up into Junko's eyes, looking at her elegance, her beauty, her undeniable wisdom, and I weep for myself in a way I never have before. Never before has such words been spoken to me. Never before has my spirit been unwound and laid out in front of me so that I may see it for myself. It is amazing. It is breathtaking. Junko takes me into her arms and presses her cheek to the top of my head, embracing me fully and completely.
I feel honored to know a woman like her. I feel honored to know all of the women I know -- my beloved Koi, Okichi, Misa, and Asako, Mayonaka, Lady Hoki, Naho, Lady Junko – and the Lady Priestess. They all have a presence that draws me closer and closer until I am captivated by them. I will never forget any of them. If I never see any of them again, I will always remember every detail about them -- the texture of their hair, the shade of their skin, the tones of their voices, the way they walk and laugh and smile. They could never be forgotten.
Lady Junko and I part ways soon after the sun has sunk behind the west wall of the seraglio, and I turn in the direction of my chambers, looking forward to seeing Tasuki since the both of us has been preoccupied all day -- me with my packing, and him with the preparations for our departure. My thoughts are drifting calmly when I catch sight of Chichiri walking towards me, his bright blue hair shining in the new moonlight. He notices me as well and lifts a hand in greeting. When we reach each other, he offers a pleasant smile, and I happily return it.
"I've just come from your chambers, Tansho," he replies, "Tasuki and I were having a sort of farewell chat, ya' know. "
"But we're not leaving for another few days," I answer.
"True, but there can never be just one farewell chat between friends, ya' know. Most likely we'll have another before your departure," he explains, smiling again.
I smile sadly and lower my eyelids to hide the sorrow in my eyes. It has been so hard on Tasuki the last few months -- the war, losing his friends, and now he's returning home and leaving behind probably his dearest friend other than Koji. I gaze back at Chichiri and study the mask that covers his face. I can detect no line where the skin of his jaw meets the material of the mask, and other than the somewhat bland expression of his face, it is sometimes very hard to even notice the mask.
"Chichiri," I reply, folding my hands together in front of me, "What do you think of me?"
Truthfully, I have no idea in hell why I would ask such a brazen, unexpected thing, so, understandably, I'm rather ashamed of myself right after I've spoken. In all actuality, I do not expect an answer from him -- much less the one that I do receive.
"I think that you're one of the bravest people I've ever known. I don't believe I've ever met a person who has done the things that you have done, ya' know," he answers softly. I see the lines on his mask that represent his eyes draw into straight lines, proving his seriousness. Suddenly, I realize why I asked him that question.
"Have I been a burden to Tasuki?" I ask, my voice entirely unsure of itself. "If he had never known me, would things have been different for him -- for all of you?"
"Of course things would have been different, Tansho," he answers, coming to stand closer to me. "One person can very easily change the progress of time, but I do not think you a burden to Tasuki. Not at all. Truthfully, I think of you as his savior. I doubt he would have done half the things he did if he had never known you, ya' know." He reaches out a hand and places his palm on the curve of my shoulder, and I find that I like being near to him. I feel like I'm standing on the shore of a great ocean, listening to the waves rolling, feeling the breath of the water on my skin. He calms me. "I'm going to tell you something that I never planned on telling you, Tansho," he says to me. I glance up at him, surprised to see how much taller he is than I. He and Tasuki stand just about the same. "To tell you the truth, I thought we'd never see you again after that first night in the tavern. I had no idea that Tasuki would fall so in love with you, ya' know." He pauses and smiles at me, squeezing my shoulder gently with his slender fingers. "But I'm glad he did. Your presence has done alot for him -- for many of us. You're an inspirational woman, Tansho."
I am without words momentarily, but then I understand exactly what I am meant to say. "Thank you," I reply, my voice wavering, "And you have been an inspiration to me as well. All of the people I've known through Tasuki have changed my life in so many ways. His Highness, Lady Hoki, Nuriko, the Lady Priestess, you -- I have never known such people and I never will again, I suppose."
"This is true," he answers, and I can sense the sorrow flowing in the soft tones of his voice. "I feel lost now in a way," he continues. "Our mission is over. The battles have been fought and won, Suzaku has been summoned, Miaka has returned to her world, Konan is safe -- and I am unsure of what must be done now. ya' know."
"It is not over," I protest. "We still live and we must continue to do that. There is plenty to be done."
He seems to like my answer, for his face suddenly brightens in a way I have never seen it. Suddenly, I am struck with an odd desire that I hesitate on for only a moment before deciding that it must be acted upon. I gaze upwards into his masked face.
"May I ask you something, Chichiri?" I say, my voice very near a whisper. I see his brow narrow in question, but he nods his head.
"Please don't be offended," I continue, "I'm not asking this out of curiosity -- I just need to see." I smile faintly, but I know that my eyes reflect nothing but seriousness. "Would you take off your mask so that I can see your face?"
I am surprised to see a smile spread across his face. "Of course I'm not offended, Tansho," he answers, frowning at me as if I did something wrong. "The reason I wear this mask it to remind me of my past wrongdoings -- to make me remember every time I look in the mirror." He then takes his hand from my shoulder and presses his fingertips to the edges of the mask, pulling gently on the material until it lifts from the skin of his face. He lowers the mask and looks at me with his true face, and I see so many things there that I feel overwhelmed for a moment. I see the rich, light tone of his skin and the curves of his lips and his nose. It actually takes several long moments before I even take notice of his golden-colored eye and realize that it doesn't have a mate. The scar across his eyes is so jagged and menacing that I try not to grimace but can't stop myself from doing it. It reminds me of a claw, spread out over his eyelid, sealing it shut, blinding him. Without realizing what I'm doing, I reach my hand out and touch his cheek, pressing my fingertips gently to the place just beneath his scar. I do not touch it. I may begin to weep if I do, so I simply caress the edges of it. It was anger and sorrow and betrayal that gave him this scar.
I take my hand away and gaze into his good eye, admiring the amber shade of his iris. It reminds me of sunset, and I tell him so. He only laughs softly and averts his gaze from mine.
"Please don't be offended, Tansho," Chichiri replies, his gaze still directed at the courtyard instead of me, "But it's been quite awhile since a woman has looked at me like that, ya' know."
I take his hand in mine and squeeze it gently, liking the feel of his slender, smooth fingers. "I'm not at all offended," I answer firmly. "Not at all."
Finally, his gaze returns to mine and I set my eyes on his. "It has been an honor to know you, Chichiri."
"You as well, Tansho," he answers. With a final squeeze, I release his hand and watch as he carefully dons his mask again, pressing the edges to his temples and jawbone to ensure a tight fit. "Your husband is probably wondering where you're at, ya' know. You'd better be going."
"Yes," I agree, smiling in the direction of my chambers where I know Tasuki's waiting. I'm suddenly filled with a powerful longing to see him that makes my blood rush inside of me like ocean waves rushing onto the sand. "I should go."
We bid farewell just as the moon is uncovered by a shroud of clouds, and the moonlight washes over us, covering us like a blanket, making our skin shine. I find that I'm saddened by his departure, and by the fact that he and I have not had many conversations like this one. It is not hard to recognize the strength that Chichiri possess in his soft-spoken, gentle spirit. It is not hard at all.
When I reach my chambers, I find my husband lounging comfortably in a chair by the hearth. I close the door softly behind me so that he won't hear and sneak up behind him, sliding my arms around his shoulders once I reach his back. He starts for a minute before recognizing the touch of my skin on his, and then he relaxes happily into my embrace.
"I haven't seen you all day," he remarks, "I've missed you."
"And I've missed you," I reply, resting my chin upon his shoulder and pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. One of his hands takes mine and he pulls me front behind him until I'm at his side. He then suddenly grabs me by the waist and pulls me down into his lap, hugging me close to him, his arms encircling me. I lean sideways into him and rest my head in the hollow of his neck, happy to be in his arms again. As one of his callused hands mindlessly caresses my shoulder, the other continues to hug my waist, keeping me close.
I watch him, my eyes studying the side of his handsome face, roaming across the valleys and shadows of his skin. The firelight has shaded his hair ocher and his skin golden, enchanting me. I smile and snuggle deeper into his arms, pressing my nose and mouth to his throat to breathe in the scent of him -- a scent that still carries the earth and rain and forest upon it. When my eyes glance up, they catch him looking intently at me. His eyes seem concerned.
"What's wrong?" he asks, bringing his hand up to brush strands of dark hair from my face. I blink furiously for a few moments, worried that tears may try to come. But they don't, and I only smile, not wanting to burden him with my sorrows. He frowns, obviously disappointed that I don't wish to confide in him. He straightens his back somewhat, shifting our position so that I'm not sitting straight up in his lap. His hands fold over mine. "Tell me what's wrong," he asks again.
"I'm not sure," I answer truthfully. "I think that I'm just going to miss the seraglio, that's all. I've been here for so long that I've become very fond of the courtesans -- and Naho, Lady Junko and Empress Hoki. I'll miss them. I'll miss Okichi and Misa and Asako and Mayonaka, too. Won't you miss Chichiri?"
Tasuki looks at me, his eyes soft and understanding. "Of course I'll miss him," he says, glancing down at the soft carpet of my chambers. I see his eyes suddenly become unfocused, and I watch as they stare unknowingly into the brightness of the fire. I lean into him, curious and concerned, but then he speaks and I understand. "I miss them all," he whispers. "Nuriko...Chiriko....Mitsukake..." He then draws in a deep, almost ragged breath that startles me. "I miss His Highness and Tamahome. And I miss Miaka -- I miss her the most. You don't know how much I wanted her to stay; but I never told her that -- I never told anyone that. It wouldn't have been right. She's where she should be -- safe and happy in her own world. It wouldn't have been right for her to stay." He looks up at me, his eyes filled with sadness and longing.
"If I could just see them all again..." he whispers, "Just for a moment."
I reach my hand out and cradle his cheek within my palm, pulling him gently towards me until his head in resting in my arms. I embrace him fully, trying to comfort him without making him believe that he is weak for mourning. "I'm sorry," I say softly, whispering into his hair. "I'm sorry that they're gone."
"Me too," he answers. He lifts his head and looks at me, his eyes taking mine and holding them as if it were him embracing me in his arms. "But you're still here."
I nod slowly in response. "Yes," I answer, "Yes I am." I lean forward and press my lips to his as I caress his cheek with my fingertips. I smile into his lips, breaking the gentle kiss. "I'll always be here," I tell him.
"I've made preparations to leave the day after tomorrow," he says, his voice a strange mixture of sorrow, excitement, and dread.
"And I'll be ready," I answer.
Afterwards, we both fall into a deep sleep in my lavender bed, and I dream continuously of the mountain – my home.
A/N: Hello there, all! Once again, so sorry for how long it took to update, but you know how life can be (especially in the fabulous summer ). Well, although I hate to admit it, this is the next to the last chapter. One more update, and "Tansho" will be completed on FF. I'll make sure to thank everyone properly next chapter, but I just want to tell you all ahead of time how truly thankful I am to those who have read and reviewed this story so faithfully. You've assisted me in becoming a better writer by speaking your minds on anything and everything that interested you in this story.
Replies to reviewers:
Nako-chan: Thank you!
ShiningAngell: Thanks so much for all your wonderful comments; they're so insightful!
MysticKitty17: Thanks a lot for your comments (and as for your question about the # of chaps left... Not many!)
Neokosazume: Hehehe...thank you!
Railynn: Thanks a bunch! It's good to know that there are others out there like me! Oh, and congrats on getting married! I hope everything goes well for you...good luck!)
SL: I understand your point of view completely, and yes, I do realize that this story is quite long (and I do admit to dragging it out a bit in a few places, but that is larger due to the fact that I am still learning to be a professional writer. I'm not an experienced novelist just yet). But it is my firm belief that a piece of writing like this that has become a part of the author's life is better to be dragged out that rushed (I think it an insult to the story itself, actually). But I'm still very sorry that I have disappointed you. It is very hard for a writer to discover that her readers are no longer inspired by a story that used to move them. But I am writing this story to the best of my ability, and I am writing it as I see fit. And I will end it as I think it deserves. I'm so sorry if I have offended you in any way, but I think it an insult to my person and my love and desire to write if I do not defend myself and the products of my imagination and soul.
Thanks to all reviewers! Your comments, compliments, and everything else had helped me in many ways!
Aama