Author's Note: Hey, this chapter's a little short, but it was rather climactic so it works. The next chapter's my big Mikey chapter. I will thank all my Mikey influences together in that. I hope I did well in writing that one. This is a very Raph-centric chapter, and the main part where a huge inner change in him occurs. Please review. I'll try and get up the next chapter according to demand. That's always how the economy works, isn't it?

Chapter Three: The Devil's Savior

"Raphael!" The voice was not Donnie's, so I didn't care. "Raph, stop!"

No. No. It didn't matter. Stop it!

I swan dove into the water below and was enveloped by its fury.

"Raphael!!!" It was a desperate plea for mercy that I refused to heed. I didn't fight the water. I let it tear me to shreds as it saw fit. I felt my arms start to bleed again. I wouldn't open my eyes. I went under...

There was a splash. Something large fell in almost right on top of me. But it didn't matter. I was being consumed by the beast that had haunted me for nearly two years. I was letting it take me, I was giving in to the desire. Slowly, I let out whatever breath I'd been holding and opened my mouth, welcoming the darkness with open arms.

Peace... cold... blood... dark... ... ... Peace... ... ...

What???

Something was grabbing me. It wouldn't let me sink.

No!

Kicking. I could feel bubbles swirling up around me, fighting to get to the surface. More splashing. It hurt like hell. It was holding my arms, my bloodied arms. The scabs were peeling, mostly because of the ruthless water. It didn't help the fact that these huge green tentacles were wrapped around my arms, squeezing the life out of them. I was tangled in this monster's grip; it wouldn't let me go.

Stop it!

I kicked and screamed under the water, but quickly lost the energy. Everything was so cold... I could feel myself quaking. All I had to do was take one deep breath...

But my body was fighting it. It wouldn't breathe. It wouldn't let the water fill my lungs. This savage, furious oceanic beast wanted to devour me, but this sea monster with ugly tentacles wouldn't let it. Let the beast have its meal! Let me die in peace! I begged, but God wouldn't hear me any more than this slimy green monster. Who was this creature to take me away from my destiny? What right did it have to save my life when it wasn't worth saving?

The tears spilled out of my eyes but it wasn't evident for the shifting waves in the whirlpool took them away.

A long time seemed to pass. How was I still alive and conscious? Was this a dream? When would this monster let me go...

Everything was spinning. I couldn't tell if the monster was pulling me up to the surface or down into a watery grave. I hoped it was the latter, but I couldn't be sure.

I knew Don always wondered if there were other mutants like us in the sewers; other bottom dwellers, creatures that were affected by the ooze... Who'd have thought we'd have our own Loch Ness Monster?

Don. Oh Donatello! Why the hell did he take those pills?

Why the hell did you jump? someone asked me.

I had to, I replied. I had no choice.

You always have a choice, the voice said. You know that. You're still in control.

No... No, Don's dead. I couldn't bare it.

Don isn't dead yet. You could save him. What will he say when he wakes up and you're not there?

He won't wake up...

You're a stupid bastard who thinks he knows everything, the voice snapped angrily. He opened your eyes once and made you realize that you have family! Why can't you see that you have so much going for you? Even without Donatello, you got Mikey and Leo, and they always have your back. And you have Splinter, he loves you.

Splinter hates me. He thinks I killed Don. So does Leo. I killed him too. I'd kill them all, if I could.

Splinter loves you. He's just scared. Like everyone else. He wants to find someone, anyone to blame, anyone but himself. That's what he's really thinking. You always said you wanted to know what he was thinking. Well now you do. He's not perfect.

He doesn't have to be perfect. He just has to be Splinter...

There are people out there who are so much worse off than you! You don't see them jumping off waterfalls.

That's different! Everyone handles things their own way...

I always knew you were a coward...

Soon, the voice faded away and all I knew was blackness.

Everything was dark. I was reeling. Was I dead? I could only hope. Praying, I opened my eyes.

Bright, harsh light. It burned me. My pupils shrank as small as possible. Something green appeared in my blurry vision, and then it was all I could see. There was only one answer. I must be under the water still, looking up at the surface. I lay at the bottom of the ocean in my watery grave, staring serenely at the sunlight, ten times brighter than normal. That was because its rays were refracted and seemed more intense. That's what Don would say.

Oh Donatello!

But that didn't matter anymore. I was dead. It explained everything. That's why everything was blurry; I was seeing things through watery lenses. Something blue swam into view. What could it be, the sky? The sky... It must. Yes, the blue sky above the water. At last... My peace.

Yes! Yes!

... What???

What was happening? Something was taking shape before my eyes, the blue... it wasn't the sky at all...

No! No!

I wasn't in heaven. Hell. This was Hell. No, no, get me out of here, take me back!!!

I squinted one eye to make out the figure more clearly, the monster which had taken me from my doom.

"...Leo?" I said, my voice barely a scratch. My throat was raw and dry. It felt like it was on fire. I needed water...

The water...

There, above me, in all his self-righteous glory, Leonardo stared down at me in front of a backdrop of blackness. His face was solemn and his eyes were cold gravestones of my former life.

I saw him pull back his hand as if in slow motion. It was all a blur. I felt the sharp pain in my cheek before I saw him slap me.

"Hey!" I exclaimed, rubbing my sore cheek. "What the hell was that for?"

"You fucking idiot!" he said, furiously. I rarely ever heard Leo swear. It's not like he never did, it was just that, unlike me, who spits them out left and right, Leo saves them for where they're really appropriate. Which meant he was really pissed off. "Do you have any idea what you just did?" It was strange watching Leo talk. His lips didn't seem to fit the words he was saying, and his mouth kept moving after his words were finished. It was like watching a foreign film that had been badly dubbed. The words weren't in sync with everything else.

As I tried my best to focus on Leo, I became aware of a throbbing pain in my skull, as if my brain was pulsing, getting ready to explode. I groaned. Leo's cold look merely hardened into a 'you deserve it' look.

"Don't you think you're being a little hard on me?" I said sluggishly, hoping he'd warm up. But he was unsympathetic.

"I don't think I'm being hard on you at all," he replied, chillingly. This scared me. I closed my eyes shut tight and waited for his wrath. But it never came. Opening one eye tentatively, I saw him holding out his hand to help me up. It was then and only then that I realized that I wasn't at the bottom of the ocean after all. I was laying on the filthy floor of a flooded sewer, soaked to the bone. I was still half-way in the water.

The funny thing is, I couldn't feel the cold anymore at all. Well, excluding the frozen attitude radiating from Leo like a pending hail storm. That chilled me to the bone.

"Get up," Leo ordered coldly, almost cruelly. Slowly, I held up my weak arm and he snatched it and pulled me up angrily, nearly yanking my arm out of its socket.

"Hey, watch it!" I said, rubbing my shoulder blade and making sure it wasn't dislocated. But again, he was uncompassionate. He looked at me a moment icily before turning and heading down the dark sewer.

Glancing at me over his shoulder, he said, "Aren't you coming?" It wasn't a question. It was a merciless growl that didn't care for an answer. I was coming. I didn't even think to retort. I'd never seen Leonardo so mad before.

Slowly, hesitantly, I followed my older brother through the maze of sewers. I didn't even care where we were going.

We walked in silence. Well, he walked, I limped. I was too weak. And my head was killing me. Worst of all, I couldn't even feel my arms. I looked down and noticed they were a sickly pale green. I frowned as I looked at the dry blood the still clung desperately to the remnants of the scabs. No wonder I was feeling so dizzy...

After what seemed like hours of trudging around the dank sewers, I was ready to drop. But Leo had led me to the lair. Before we entered, he turned to me. His face wore an expression like that of my worst enemy. It was cold and dark, serious and deadly. It scared the hell out of me.

"Fold your arms," he said. I was confused at the peculiar order, but did so without question. Even I didn't dare test Leonardo's patience in this situation.

"Hey," he muttered, trying to sound emotionless to April and Mikey on the couch, who were now watching some late night movie on cable. I didn't pay too much attention to what it was.

"Hey..." Mikey muttered with a yawn. April said nothing at all. She must have fallen asleep on the couch.

We didn't stay long.

As soon as he had greeted them and received a welcome, Leo quickly swept me down the hall, like a teacher leading an unruly student to detention.

We ended in his room and as soon as I closed the door behind me, he was on me like a tiger on its prey.

"What the hell were you thinking?" he roared. I backed up against the door. He put one hand angrily on either side of me, as if he thought I'd try and escape. "It's one thing to go and try and kill yourself, it's another to do it when we need you the most!"

"I wasn't thinking about you," I said truthfully, regaining my old courage when it came to Leo. "I couldn't stand it anymore, alright???"

"And I can?" Leo said, sounding desperate and out of breath. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and seemed to calm down. His arms dropped to his sides, an expression of resignation.

Guilt overwhelmed me. The usual after effects that come with one of my suicide considerations or attempts. I always hoped I'd be dead before I'd have to feel guilty. But somehow, it never came out that way.

Leo sat on his bed and refused to look at me, staring at the wall.

"I saw your wrists," he said, evenly. I glanced down at my arms, half-heartedly.

"Ah," I said, understanding now why he'd told me to fold my arms in front of Mikey and April.

"I always wondered why you wore those stupid looking things..." Leo said, in obvious reference to my red armbands. I noticed they were lying beside him on his bed. Turned inside out, the dry blood was evident. "And why Mikey ever looked up to you."

"Mikey doesn't look up to me..." I said quietly. I approached his bed to pick up my armbands and, ashamed, I put them on to cover my wounds. Leo looked at me, seemingly condescending.

"You really don't get it, do you?" he said. "You're totally blind to anything outside of your own life. Why are you so self-centered?"

Self-centered?

"Me?" I cried, becoming angry. "What about you?"

Leo looked down, looking more defeated than ever, and I immediately regretted my words. He looked so small... sitting on that bed alone... I frowned in confusion as I understood, for the first time in my life, what Leonardo must be going through.

"Wow..." I said, as realization dawned. I fell on his bed beside him. "Oh, Leo, man, I'm sorry..." I whispered.

"Everyday..." Leo muttered. "All I think about..."

"... is us..." I said in understanding. For the first time ever, in all the years I grew up beside him, I realized that Leonardo wasn't self-centered in the least bit. He barely thought about himself. Ever.

"Oh God..." The weight of Leo's responsibility as the eldest hit me full force and I felt the burden as if it were my own. Were anything to happen to any of one of us, he would take it worst of all. Worse than me, worse than Splinter...

And yet, here he was, keeping a cool head when Donatello was right in the next room, comatose and cold. I marveled at his strength, and once again I was blown away by all he hid.

"So..." I said after a long silence. "Does it take a lot of meditation to keep all that locked away?"

Leo gave a short chuckle. "You wouldn't believe..." was his only reply.

I was silent with shock. All these years, I'd treated him like the pompous ass I thought he was. When really, it was he who thought I was being arrogant. And I suppose I was. He was just trying to keep me in line...

And yet, that thought still bothered me. Like I told Don once, if I ever understood Leo, I'd go really insane. And it was starting. The war inside me between my consideration of the eldest turtle and my stubborn self had begun at last.

"Why do you think you have to protect us?" I asked finally. "We don't need you protection."

"Oh yeah?" Leo said with a mock raise of his eye ridges. He looked at my arms and I hid them from his view.

"I don't mean..." I started.

"I get it," said Leo, nodding in understanding. In bafflement, I realized that he really did. I was silent. This situation had never befallen me before. Whenever Leo tried to understand me, I always thought that, like his own persona, mine was too difficult for him to ever understand. But he did, he really did, and I didn't know what to do. My whole entire world was turned upside down. I blamed it on my near-death experience. Which reminded me...

"You know, Leo... I'm... glad... you came after me... you know?" I said, stumbling over my words. Leo looked up at me and smiled, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Always," he said. I looked down at my arms and he followed my gaze. His smile disappeared.

"Listen, old habits die hard, alright?" I snapped in my defense. Then I realized, Leo wasn't accusing me of anything.

He sighed. "How long?"

"It started nearly four years ago," I said. "Sporadic and unhealthy, I continued for nearly two years until Don unknowingly talked me out of it... I only did it when I was really stressed. And then it all came to a breaking point, and then the fight with you..."

I told him everything. Every little thing from my previous suicide attempt to my little chat with Don two years prior. Leo was a good listener, saying nothing at all as I told my story, nodding at parts, and always looking solemn.

"My... God Raph!" Leo sighed at last. "What is it with you and Don? Why do you feel like these are things you have to hide from us?"

My old anger flared. "You wouldn't understand," I said, somehow offended by his words. "You've never... felt like that. Don and I, we have an understanding. That's why he trusted me. That's why we confided only in each other. We knew the other had... had been there too. At least, that's why Don trusted me. I trusted him because... he seemed to know without knowing. He seemed to know every nook and cranny of where I was without ever having been there. It's like when someone describes a photograph perfectly without ever seeing it or its subject. It's mysterious, and eerie, and yet it's the most comforting thing I'd come across in a long time. Don... he seemed to know exactly what I needed to hear, what I needed him to do. Even when he didn't know my true intentions when I ran out on you two years ago, he seemed to feel something was horribly and grotesquely... wrong. He said as much that day. And though he spoke to me like I was merely running away to a new life, it sounded... He was saying 'Don't do it, Raph. Don't jump.' Not in those words, but... Somehow, Don always had a way of clearing away the debris of my heart and touching something at its core to revitalize it again and give it life. He was my light at the end of the tunnel. I made a deal with myself. But now, that light's gone out and I'm alone..."

Leonardo looked at me for a long time, his eyes deep and searching.

"Maybe you can't see the light," said Leo, "because you're already out of the tunnel."

I looked at him curiously in response.

"Look around you, Raph," he said with a reassuring smile. "Your whole world is full of light."

Leo's words didn't have the same effect on me as Don's mere presence. Don had a way of chasing away the clouds with a simple, sincere look and a warm touch. Leo... was poetic, I'll give him that. And strangely, on some sub level of my soul, he reached me and kindled a dying flame.

I remembered that fire vividly. Previously extinguished, it had been relit by none other than Donatello. And now, it was dying with him. But Leonardo wouldn't let it.

"Don's not dying," my older brother said, as if reading my thoughts.

"You sound so sure..." I said, staring at my knees.

I looked up at him and noted he was staring straight ahead of him, that same fierce determination I saw in his eyes when he was on the verge of a huge battle.

"You'll see. Donatello will make it out of this. And soon, he'll play us all the fools."