Chapter 3 - Old Wounds, Same Mistakes
"Nothing that you say will release you. Nothing that you pray would forgive you. Nothing's what your words mean to me.
Something that you did will destroy me. Something that you said will stay with me, Long after you're dead and gone." - As Heaven is Wide (Garbage)
Running through the vacant corridors, Bant charged into Adi's and Siri's room and headed straight for the 'fresher. A startled Siri, watched her flight and instantly became curious. She was about to follow the fellow Padawan when Master Tahl came in.
Glancing at the concerned Master, she could see the compassion in the cat like eyes. This puzzled her further, as she could not understand what could have upset them both so. Breezing by, the Master pursued her apprentice. Siri stood still for a moment determining what she should do, when her Master finally entered. She stared up at the stern woman expectantly.
Adi easily read the bewilderment in the perceptive gaze of her Padawan and knew she would have to answer a multitude of questions. And most of them she feared there would be no answer she could offer at this time. Already expecting the question, she heard, "Master? What's happened?"
Sighing, the Councilwoman made her way over to stand in front of the girl. She figured it would be best to start with the facts. "We've landed on a planet. We are still unsure as to the extent of the damage." She paused to observe the younger woman as Siri battled to hold back her anxiousness at learning the real reason for the distress that surrounded them. "And we have learned something extraordinary about our Pirate captive. It appears, he was once a Jedi student."
Siri wanted to blurt out that that was obvious, since he had known her name. But she bit her tongue to stop such an impertinent comment. Instead, she managed a calm, "Who is he?"
"His name is Obi-Wan Kenobi." Watching the girl intently, Adi gauged the girl's reaction. After witnessing Bant's response to the news, she didn't know how her Padawan would accept this revelation.
Siri withdrew into her memories. She knew the name and searched for the few instances they had interacted as initiates. After a moment she found a sparring match, in which he won, that sifted forward. And also a memory of Bruck and Obi-Wan standing facing each other as some heated words were exchanged. At the time she thought she was above such petty behaviour, but found she was wrong during a mission to Kegan.
There she learned she was just as competitive as the two boys and desire to prove herself better. But the patience and experience of the other Padawan with her only proved she had much to learn. That was over three years ago and she thought she had progressed since then. Now her thoughts drifted back to the present and she began to realize the precarious position they were in. Thousands of questions ran through her mind and she sat on the edge of the bed as she sorted through them.
Regarding her Padawan, Adi watched as Siri sank to the bed. "Siri?"
"Are you alright?"
Sniffling a bit, Bant glanced up at her Master's question. "I don't know," she confessed. "My world has just been up-turned, and I don't know what to do about it." The Calamarian returned her gaze back down to examine her hands. She had sat down on the waste disposal seat since it was really the only place to sit. Tahl after a moment decided to sit across from her on the edge of the bathing tub.
"Would you like to talk about it?" She offered calmly. Tahl hated seeing her gentle Padawan under such turmoil. "It might help." Opening the door, she would have to wait for her apprentice to accept the invitation to come in. The caring Knight waited for some time before she was rewarded.
"It's just that he was dead. It was so hard to accept so long ago and now, now I find out that was all a lie." The apprentice paused again trying to collect her thoughts. "It's just such a shock, you know?" The large silver eyes glanced up at the Knight. "And there are just so many questions that I want to ask but don't know where to begin. I think I want to know one thing most."
"Why? Why didn't he tell us he was alive?"
"I don't know. Only he can answer that." Adi could not answer Siri's question.
"What does this all mean?" The younger woman asked.
Adi turned away for a moment, she had expected this but the knowledge of it prepared her little for it. "There is no answer I can give you. We need to probe this situation further and let the Force guide us." The Councilwoman turned back to her charge and came up beside her to place a comforting hand on her shoulder. Confusion still reigned in her azure gaze as Siri looked at her Master.
"What will happen now?"
"I don't know the answer to that. I don't think any of us do." Tahl consoled. "And I think it is a question that will be weighing on all of us, especially Obi-Wan, until we can find an answer." Placing a hand on her apprentice's knee, Tahl hoped that Bant would be able to come to terms with this change.
At the kindly gesture, tears welled again in the bulbous eyes. In a ragged whisper, she choked, "I missed him so much." Tahl dropped down to her knees in front of the girl and reached out to hug her. Bant fell into the embrace without hesitation and cried softly.
**
Still staring at the door, he could feel the tension travel up his back. It had remained one of his worst fears to meet up with the Jedi again and coming across one of his old friends terrified him further. But over the past five years of trying to live, trying to forget a life that no longer was his to attain, there had been nothing more frightening than facing Qui- Gon Jinn again. Of all the Jedi in the galaxy, why did it have to be him? His mind reeled at the irony of his situation.
For a moment he felt lightheaded and his side began to ache, but he refused to let his infirmities show. He knew pride was not supposed to be a Jedi's motivation, but as he constantly reminded himself, he no longer was one. Tightening his jaw and fists he remained immobile, in the hopes that he did not have to confront the Jedi Master waiting behind him. Knowing how futile that hope was he finally stated, "We have nothing to discuss, Master Jinn."
So, he remembers me. The Knight thought. And why not? It's been over 10 years since the fateful day that Xanatos betrayed you. Yet how often have you recalled the smell of burnt flesh? Felt the pain in your heart as he twisted it out and crushed it? You were his last chance back then. Why wouldn't Obi-Wan burn his memory with your rejection? How much it must have hurt. Qui-Gon concluded. He closed his eyes and dropped his head. Shaking it slowly, Qui-Gon wanted to ease that suffering now, even though he knew how little it would help.
Sighing, he resolved, "I think we have more to talk about than you think." Lifting his head again, he stared at the young man's back. What he was about to say would be the most difficult announcement he would ever make. "First I think I should say, I am sorry."
Obi-Wan could hear the remorse and pity in the soothing baritone but he did not want to listen. And before Qui-Gon could continue, Obi-Wan spun around, his eyes aflame with rage. "How dare you?" His voice shook with the unfettered fury the boiled within him. "How dare you even think I would accept your apology?"
The venomous questions forced the Jedi to step back. Qui-Gon had not expected the verbal attack but recovered quickly, "I merely wanted.."
"Wanted to apologize for ruining my life? For throwing me away like yesterday's waste? Do you have any idea what I have gone through?" With each accusation, Obi-Wan stepped closer to the troubled Jedi, ending with their noses almost touching. His emotions swirled within him, driving him to press the Knight.
His pain came up to add to his tumult; pain from a rejection long past. "I asked myself every single day, why? Why wasn't I good enough? What was wrong with me that no one wanted to take me? What was it that disgusted people so that I was never chosen?" Turning from the Jedi, Obi-Wan walked away feeling like his heart was tearing apart. His side throbbed at his sharp movements so he paused a few steps away, trying to appease his injured body. Continuing, he said, "And every day there was no answer. My life has been in chaos since and now I have been torn away from those who do care about me just to stand here and listen to your apologies."
The fury ebbed in the youth and Qui-Gon could not hide his sorrow at the torture Obi-Wan must have endured over these years. Wanting to say so much to soothe a wounded heart, Qui-Gon only managed, "I made a mistake."
"A mistake, is that all I am to you?" Obi-Wan scoffed at the admission, looking over his shoulder at the man. He wanted so much to believe what the Jedi Master just said, but did not want to expose himself again to possible disappointment. His intense gaze burrowed into the taller man.
Qui-Gon shook his head in denial. "No, ever since you were sent away, I have known I had made a mistake." Daring to take a step closer, he wanted to substantiate his words with physical movements. "I should have asked you to be my Padawan. But I was too blinded by the failure Xanatos was, I could not look past my own pain from betrayal. I could not look beyond my own shortcomings to see what an asset it would have been to have a Padawan at my side again." Another step, and he hoped he could show Obi-Wan how much this had effected him as well. "But not just any Padawan, I wanted you."
Incredulous of this profound revelation, Obi-Wan felt weak in the knees. How could he just stand there and accept this mockery? He asked himself. How can you believe the man who turned you away? His mind fought against the possibility of the truth behind the Knight's confession. "And what good is that to me now?" The rogue asked. A sense of despondency intermingled with the unsheathed ire. "My life is ruined. That path had been closed to me, so what good is that mystical insight to me now that I can no longer walk that road?"
Contemplating his answer for a moment, Qui-Gon concluded, "I believe the Force has a plan for us. Why else would it have brought us back together?"
Obi-Wan laughed, but it was not a happy laugh but one of skepticism and damnation. "You think so? Maybe it has brought us together so you could kill me. After all, I am a Jedi student who is no longer part of the Order. Rather I'm a criminal, a liability, a loose end to be taken care of. Had that thought crossed your mind?"
"I can not believe the Force would have brought us together for that purpose." A hint of annoyance crept into his voice. His mind weighed the possibility and he dove into the Force to see if it were possible. He was rewarded with a sense of purpose, but not of destruction. The real meaning eluded him but he at least knew that the boy's demise was not the source. "I feel there is something else to it."
Obi-Wan had had enough. False hope was something he couldn't handle right now. "Feel what you want, it makes no difference to me," Obi-Wan chided as he made his way to leave but Qui-Gon grabbed his arm. Glaring back at the Knight, he demanded, "Let go of me."
Qui-Gon's hold remained as he stated, "No, I'm not finished."
"Like I care," Obi-Wan retaliated as he torn his arm from Qui-Gon's grasp. His side screamed at the torment the movement erupted. Wincing, he shot back, "I'm not one of your initiates that you can command."
"No," confirmed the Knight, "but you are our prisoner." It was a feeble excuse but he could not let Obi-Wan go yet. He had so much more to say and his nerves were fraying at the constant conflict.
Sensing the man's irritation, Obi-Wan smiled. "I knew you couldn't keep that apathetic facade up for long." Despite the fact dark spots plagued his vision, he egged the Jedi on, "If I'm your prisoner, are you going to throw me in the brig? Maybe you could chain me up first. Or better yet why don't you put a Force suppressor on me? It's been done to me before."
Appalled by the accusations, Qui-Gon denounced, "I would never allow that. Do you think me so heartless? I am a Jedi, we do not."
"I know what Jedi are and do," Obi-Wan reminded, "lest we forget I was one." He was beginning to feel slightly nauseous, but that could not stop him from pointing out that fact.
Qui-Gon stared at the brigand noticing his pallor going a shade whiter. "I could never forget that. There has not been a day gone by that I have not thought of you."
"How sentimental. I wish I could say the same, but I can't." Obi-Wan wanted to escape this farce with every fiber of his being but he found himself rooted. His gaze turned away as he confided, "Instead, every day I wished I could have forgotten my life as a Jedi. It's cost me nothing but pain."
Disturbed by what he heard, Qui-Gon needed to refute the boy's words. "You can't mean that. We have only wanted the best for you."
Obi-Wan let out a quick chortle, "Is that so, that's why I was sent to Bandomeer? That's why no one searched for me after the ship was attacked."
In the accusations, suddenly Qui-Gon's perception was enlightened. He thought that we knew he was alive! He needed to correct that assumption. "We were told you had been killed. I have never seen Master Yoda so upset when he found out." He saw Obi-Wan absorb this realization. With new munitions in his arsenal, Qui-Gon pressed the youth. "Have you not thought about how your death had affected the rest of us? Do you have any idea of what this will mean to so many?"
Gradually, he accepted this new information. He recalled Bant's stricken words, "we thought you were dead." He became aware of their real meaning. They were *told* I was dead. Slowly, he said, "I might have, had I thought I would see any of them again." The corsair battled with his thoughts. He had longed for his old friends at times. It was sometimes very lonely, as he was the only human among his pirate family. Tuuvu. He reminded himself of the promise he made his surrogate father. His place was no longer among the Jedi, he knew. He had a new home, with new friends and family. And he was determined to get back to them. "But it doesn't matter, because I won't be seeing them again. Once we get this ship repaired, I'm going back to my home."
Qui-Gon felt the shift of the conversation change from two people reconciling old differences to two people tackling a problem. Taking on a more commanding tone, the Knight denied the youth. "I can not allow you to leave. The Council will want to speak with you and I only just got you back."
"Got me back?" Obi-Wan barked, the raging seas returned. "You didn't get me back, you only stumbled upon me. If not for the fact that I couldn't persuade them to ignore this ship, you would never have learned I was alive." Sweat began to bead along the young brow and his side reaffirmed its presence with a brewing fire.
Qui-Gon would not accept this, could not accept it. "No," he knew that what Obi-Wan said was true, but he could not allow him to get away again. "But I simply cannot let you walk out of my life again. I made that error once before and have been pleading for a chance to redeem myself for it."
"So that's the real reason, isn't it? Is that what you see when you look upon me? Your redemption?" Obi-Wan stepped away and grabbed the back of a chair. He could feel the darkness beckoning him again, yet he continued to refuse its call. Instead, he concentrated on the Jedi Master's poise. "You are unbelievable, Master Jinn. And I'm amazed that over the past five years you have not changed a bit. You are still the self-righteous, conceited, egotistical being that toys with children's dreams. I won't be deceived by your omnipotent rectitude."
"It was never my intention to give you false hope, not then and most definitely not now." Qui-Gon tried to stay Obi-Wan's belief that he meant to hurt him with his rejection. He saw the boy waver as Obi-Wan looked away. This is futile. We should be concerning ourselves with the ship and his condition, not having a petty argument about a past that can not be changed.
His voice quivered a bit, but still retained the accusatory edge he had adopted recently. "Whether or not it was your intention doesn't matter. Your actions have stripped me of everything."
"I can not be solely responsible for your current existence. The Council sent you to Bandomeer, and surely there were other Knights who rejected you before me." He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, but he refused to bare the brunt of the young man's downfall. Obi-Wan's head quickly turned at the blatant remark. Qui-Gon watched as the flickering light inside the boy smoldered under a blanket of pain.
Smarting from the verbal blow, Obi-Wan staggered. Slowly, he responded, "I think this conversation is over. I have work to do." In order to protect his wounded psyche from any further harm, Obi-Wan decided to once again direct his focus on the problem at hand. He planned on checking the ship to assess the damage, but as he removed his hand from the chair, his step faltered. Quickly he caught himself and paused to clear his befuddled mind before he attempted to move again.
Qui-Gon witnessed the faltered step and stated sharply, "I think you should stay here and rest."
"As I have mentioned before, I don't care what you think." Again, Obi-Wan headed for the door, determined not to let his weakness show. Yet his body proved him false as he grabbed for another chair. Leaning heavily against it, he attempted to stop his carouseling vision when Qui-Gon placed a hand on his shoulder.
The tall Knight knew nothing would stop Obi-Wan from forcing himself out to help with the recovery, lest it be anything short of pure exhaustion. Saving himself from another argument, he enhanced his command with the Force and whispered, "Sleep." And everything went dark for the troubled youth. Qui-Gon easily scooped the slender frame into his arms and turned toward the bed. As he looked down at the anguished young face, his heart began to ache anew.
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Sorry about the wait everyone and I thank all those who helped me get this right. Especially Shanobi and Flashbacca. I struggled with it for quite sometime, but I hope the end results were as satisfactory to you as it is for me. Don't forget to REVIEW!!!! I've made this story my baby and I want to hear everyone's thoughts. I accept all compliments, criticisms and flames. So don't be afraid to tell me what's on your mind. Because if it didn't matter to me, I wouldn't have asked for it.
Jolie - Thank you. I'm glad you like the conflict. I think it's been fun writing it out. : )
Cas - Thanks. I'm really glad you felt that it was real and believable. I hope that this chapter was just as good. And our Obi can never deny who he is despite what his life might be. I'm still waiting for another chapter of 'Remnants.' ; ) And I also read your 'profile' and was surprised to see another like the Tripods series. : D That has been a major influence in my life, mostly because of the British series first. But I did find the books and were able to finally read them too. : ) Well, I just thought I would share that really quickly. Thanks for reading. : D
Ewok kid - *blushes badly* I don't think it's *that* good, but I really, really appreciate the comment. I liked the idea of conflicted pirate Obi too, which is why when I read this plot bunny it bit me so bad, I have a scar. ; ) But I proudly bare that scar because this is just such a wonderful premise I feel privileged to write it. Thank you again for the wonderful comment. : D
blackhawk - Thanks. : ) I will. I really, really enjoy writing this, even if it gives me trouble. Thanks for reading.
Ciria - You're too kind. : ) I had great inspiration for Obi's eyes. I had a wallpaper with a fabulous picture of Ewan and it had the best shot of his eyes in it. *sigh* And I'm glad you liked how I showed their emotions. For this fic I have tried to place myself in every perspective so that I can understand their feelings and convey them accordingly. I hope this chap was good for you. I think this fic will move slowly at first so that I can address their reactions properly. As things progress it might move along faster, might. So please be patient and I will have answers to all your questions. Thanks. : D
Maygin - Thank you very much. I've put a lot into this story and hope that I can maintain that precarious balance. I don't want to bore my readers but I also don't want to gyp them out of the emotional struggle as well. I know the concept of 'Pirate" Obi is old and I wouldn't be surprised to find others who have thought of this possibility, but when I read the Plot Bunny, I just had to pick it up and cuddle and nurture it. I don't think you sound like a 'jerk' and I did ask for all opinions so I'm glad you're being honest. The Pirates will come back into play but read my response to Ciria to find out why not yet. Personally, I hate sap. Never been one to watch 'girly' movies and I just don't think the Star Wars Universe is a sappy place. More like raw emotions and struggling to contain them. Oh, and for the moon question. If you read the first paragraph on Chapter one, you'll see that Obi was staring at a moon. And he recognized it when they went past. The moon evoked certain emotions that he remembered as they passed it. Well, this is getting really long, sorry about that. And I appreciate you adding me to your favs. : D
Heidi M - Thank you! That was part of my motivation on how Obi would respond. How would I feel if it happened to me. So I'm glad that you liked that part. ; )
Peggy Schiltz - Thanks. : D Will do.
Shan - My wonderful beta and inspiration for this story, thank you for letting me write it. It's been a wonderful experience thus far, even with the obstacles. I still think I'm lacking on the talent end of it, but I really am glad that you like what I have done. I would hate to have dishonoured your original concept. You're the best. : D
grab-ur-lightsaber - Awww, thank you! *blush* I'm sorry if I confused you a bit. Sometimes my style works for me but not everyone else. I'll post again to 'Catch Me' soon though. And I appreciate you reviewing it. As we have both said, you seem to be the only one who is reading it. Thanks for both stories!! : D
lisa - I don't know about that. But I'll be happy to have people who follow my work. I tend to think that each story has it's own 'flavour' and I hope that it doen't throw anyone off too badly. I really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks. : D
Meggie - LOL, You're too funny. "Hey there little puppies, I think I have a milk bone for you. Arrghhh!" Alright, I borrowed that from 'Ghostbusters' but I think it works. ; ) All I can say is that I'm breathing a sigh of relief that I got the chapter up before the cut-off time. Thanks for reading. : D
Death Rider - I hope that was satisfactory with what you hoped for. Thanks for reading regardless. ; )
Havoc - Thanks. It's only natural for people to think of themselves first. It's a rare person who thinks of others. Which our Obi often does and that's why we love him. I hope you liked what I've done. Thanks again. : )
"Nothing that you say will release you. Nothing that you pray would forgive you. Nothing's what your words mean to me.
Something that you did will destroy me. Something that you said will stay with me, Long after you're dead and gone." - As Heaven is Wide (Garbage)
Running through the vacant corridors, Bant charged into Adi's and Siri's room and headed straight for the 'fresher. A startled Siri, watched her flight and instantly became curious. She was about to follow the fellow Padawan when Master Tahl came in.
Glancing at the concerned Master, she could see the compassion in the cat like eyes. This puzzled her further, as she could not understand what could have upset them both so. Breezing by, the Master pursued her apprentice. Siri stood still for a moment determining what she should do, when her Master finally entered. She stared up at the stern woman expectantly.
Adi easily read the bewilderment in the perceptive gaze of her Padawan and knew she would have to answer a multitude of questions. And most of them she feared there would be no answer she could offer at this time. Already expecting the question, she heard, "Master? What's happened?"
Sighing, the Councilwoman made her way over to stand in front of the girl. She figured it would be best to start with the facts. "We've landed on a planet. We are still unsure as to the extent of the damage." She paused to observe the younger woman as Siri battled to hold back her anxiousness at learning the real reason for the distress that surrounded them. "And we have learned something extraordinary about our Pirate captive. It appears, he was once a Jedi student."
Siri wanted to blurt out that that was obvious, since he had known her name. But she bit her tongue to stop such an impertinent comment. Instead, she managed a calm, "Who is he?"
"His name is Obi-Wan Kenobi." Watching the girl intently, Adi gauged the girl's reaction. After witnessing Bant's response to the news, she didn't know how her Padawan would accept this revelation.
Siri withdrew into her memories. She knew the name and searched for the few instances they had interacted as initiates. After a moment she found a sparring match, in which he won, that sifted forward. And also a memory of Bruck and Obi-Wan standing facing each other as some heated words were exchanged. At the time she thought she was above such petty behaviour, but found she was wrong during a mission to Kegan.
There she learned she was just as competitive as the two boys and desire to prove herself better. But the patience and experience of the other Padawan with her only proved she had much to learn. That was over three years ago and she thought she had progressed since then. Now her thoughts drifted back to the present and she began to realize the precarious position they were in. Thousands of questions ran through her mind and she sat on the edge of the bed as she sorted through them.
Regarding her Padawan, Adi watched as Siri sank to the bed. "Siri?"
"Are you alright?"
Sniffling a bit, Bant glanced up at her Master's question. "I don't know," she confessed. "My world has just been up-turned, and I don't know what to do about it." The Calamarian returned her gaze back down to examine her hands. She had sat down on the waste disposal seat since it was really the only place to sit. Tahl after a moment decided to sit across from her on the edge of the bathing tub.
"Would you like to talk about it?" She offered calmly. Tahl hated seeing her gentle Padawan under such turmoil. "It might help." Opening the door, she would have to wait for her apprentice to accept the invitation to come in. The caring Knight waited for some time before she was rewarded.
"It's just that he was dead. It was so hard to accept so long ago and now, now I find out that was all a lie." The apprentice paused again trying to collect her thoughts. "It's just such a shock, you know?" The large silver eyes glanced up at the Knight. "And there are just so many questions that I want to ask but don't know where to begin. I think I want to know one thing most."
"Why? Why didn't he tell us he was alive?"
"I don't know. Only he can answer that." Adi could not answer Siri's question.
"What does this all mean?" The younger woman asked.
Adi turned away for a moment, she had expected this but the knowledge of it prepared her little for it. "There is no answer I can give you. We need to probe this situation further and let the Force guide us." The Councilwoman turned back to her charge and came up beside her to place a comforting hand on her shoulder. Confusion still reigned in her azure gaze as Siri looked at her Master.
"What will happen now?"
"I don't know the answer to that. I don't think any of us do." Tahl consoled. "And I think it is a question that will be weighing on all of us, especially Obi-Wan, until we can find an answer." Placing a hand on her apprentice's knee, Tahl hoped that Bant would be able to come to terms with this change.
At the kindly gesture, tears welled again in the bulbous eyes. In a ragged whisper, she choked, "I missed him so much." Tahl dropped down to her knees in front of the girl and reached out to hug her. Bant fell into the embrace without hesitation and cried softly.
**
Still staring at the door, he could feel the tension travel up his back. It had remained one of his worst fears to meet up with the Jedi again and coming across one of his old friends terrified him further. But over the past five years of trying to live, trying to forget a life that no longer was his to attain, there had been nothing more frightening than facing Qui- Gon Jinn again. Of all the Jedi in the galaxy, why did it have to be him? His mind reeled at the irony of his situation.
For a moment he felt lightheaded and his side began to ache, but he refused to let his infirmities show. He knew pride was not supposed to be a Jedi's motivation, but as he constantly reminded himself, he no longer was one. Tightening his jaw and fists he remained immobile, in the hopes that he did not have to confront the Jedi Master waiting behind him. Knowing how futile that hope was he finally stated, "We have nothing to discuss, Master Jinn."
So, he remembers me. The Knight thought. And why not? It's been over 10 years since the fateful day that Xanatos betrayed you. Yet how often have you recalled the smell of burnt flesh? Felt the pain in your heart as he twisted it out and crushed it? You were his last chance back then. Why wouldn't Obi-Wan burn his memory with your rejection? How much it must have hurt. Qui-Gon concluded. He closed his eyes and dropped his head. Shaking it slowly, Qui-Gon wanted to ease that suffering now, even though he knew how little it would help.
Sighing, he resolved, "I think we have more to talk about than you think." Lifting his head again, he stared at the young man's back. What he was about to say would be the most difficult announcement he would ever make. "First I think I should say, I am sorry."
Obi-Wan could hear the remorse and pity in the soothing baritone but he did not want to listen. And before Qui-Gon could continue, Obi-Wan spun around, his eyes aflame with rage. "How dare you?" His voice shook with the unfettered fury the boiled within him. "How dare you even think I would accept your apology?"
The venomous questions forced the Jedi to step back. Qui-Gon had not expected the verbal attack but recovered quickly, "I merely wanted.."
"Wanted to apologize for ruining my life? For throwing me away like yesterday's waste? Do you have any idea what I have gone through?" With each accusation, Obi-Wan stepped closer to the troubled Jedi, ending with their noses almost touching. His emotions swirled within him, driving him to press the Knight.
His pain came up to add to his tumult; pain from a rejection long past. "I asked myself every single day, why? Why wasn't I good enough? What was wrong with me that no one wanted to take me? What was it that disgusted people so that I was never chosen?" Turning from the Jedi, Obi-Wan walked away feeling like his heart was tearing apart. His side throbbed at his sharp movements so he paused a few steps away, trying to appease his injured body. Continuing, he said, "And every day there was no answer. My life has been in chaos since and now I have been torn away from those who do care about me just to stand here and listen to your apologies."
The fury ebbed in the youth and Qui-Gon could not hide his sorrow at the torture Obi-Wan must have endured over these years. Wanting to say so much to soothe a wounded heart, Qui-Gon only managed, "I made a mistake."
"A mistake, is that all I am to you?" Obi-Wan scoffed at the admission, looking over his shoulder at the man. He wanted so much to believe what the Jedi Master just said, but did not want to expose himself again to possible disappointment. His intense gaze burrowed into the taller man.
Qui-Gon shook his head in denial. "No, ever since you were sent away, I have known I had made a mistake." Daring to take a step closer, he wanted to substantiate his words with physical movements. "I should have asked you to be my Padawan. But I was too blinded by the failure Xanatos was, I could not look past my own pain from betrayal. I could not look beyond my own shortcomings to see what an asset it would have been to have a Padawan at my side again." Another step, and he hoped he could show Obi-Wan how much this had effected him as well. "But not just any Padawan, I wanted you."
Incredulous of this profound revelation, Obi-Wan felt weak in the knees. How could he just stand there and accept this mockery? He asked himself. How can you believe the man who turned you away? His mind fought against the possibility of the truth behind the Knight's confession. "And what good is that to me now?" The rogue asked. A sense of despondency intermingled with the unsheathed ire. "My life is ruined. That path had been closed to me, so what good is that mystical insight to me now that I can no longer walk that road?"
Contemplating his answer for a moment, Qui-Gon concluded, "I believe the Force has a plan for us. Why else would it have brought us back together?"
Obi-Wan laughed, but it was not a happy laugh but one of skepticism and damnation. "You think so? Maybe it has brought us together so you could kill me. After all, I am a Jedi student who is no longer part of the Order. Rather I'm a criminal, a liability, a loose end to be taken care of. Had that thought crossed your mind?"
"I can not believe the Force would have brought us together for that purpose." A hint of annoyance crept into his voice. His mind weighed the possibility and he dove into the Force to see if it were possible. He was rewarded with a sense of purpose, but not of destruction. The real meaning eluded him but he at least knew that the boy's demise was not the source. "I feel there is something else to it."
Obi-Wan had had enough. False hope was something he couldn't handle right now. "Feel what you want, it makes no difference to me," Obi-Wan chided as he made his way to leave but Qui-Gon grabbed his arm. Glaring back at the Knight, he demanded, "Let go of me."
Qui-Gon's hold remained as he stated, "No, I'm not finished."
"Like I care," Obi-Wan retaliated as he torn his arm from Qui-Gon's grasp. His side screamed at the torment the movement erupted. Wincing, he shot back, "I'm not one of your initiates that you can command."
"No," confirmed the Knight, "but you are our prisoner." It was a feeble excuse but he could not let Obi-Wan go yet. He had so much more to say and his nerves were fraying at the constant conflict.
Sensing the man's irritation, Obi-Wan smiled. "I knew you couldn't keep that apathetic facade up for long." Despite the fact dark spots plagued his vision, he egged the Jedi on, "If I'm your prisoner, are you going to throw me in the brig? Maybe you could chain me up first. Or better yet why don't you put a Force suppressor on me? It's been done to me before."
Appalled by the accusations, Qui-Gon denounced, "I would never allow that. Do you think me so heartless? I am a Jedi, we do not."
"I know what Jedi are and do," Obi-Wan reminded, "lest we forget I was one." He was beginning to feel slightly nauseous, but that could not stop him from pointing out that fact.
Qui-Gon stared at the brigand noticing his pallor going a shade whiter. "I could never forget that. There has not been a day gone by that I have not thought of you."
"How sentimental. I wish I could say the same, but I can't." Obi-Wan wanted to escape this farce with every fiber of his being but he found himself rooted. His gaze turned away as he confided, "Instead, every day I wished I could have forgotten my life as a Jedi. It's cost me nothing but pain."
Disturbed by what he heard, Qui-Gon needed to refute the boy's words. "You can't mean that. We have only wanted the best for you."
Obi-Wan let out a quick chortle, "Is that so, that's why I was sent to Bandomeer? That's why no one searched for me after the ship was attacked."
In the accusations, suddenly Qui-Gon's perception was enlightened. He thought that we knew he was alive! He needed to correct that assumption. "We were told you had been killed. I have never seen Master Yoda so upset when he found out." He saw Obi-Wan absorb this realization. With new munitions in his arsenal, Qui-Gon pressed the youth. "Have you not thought about how your death had affected the rest of us? Do you have any idea of what this will mean to so many?"
Gradually, he accepted this new information. He recalled Bant's stricken words, "we thought you were dead." He became aware of their real meaning. They were *told* I was dead. Slowly, he said, "I might have, had I thought I would see any of them again." The corsair battled with his thoughts. He had longed for his old friends at times. It was sometimes very lonely, as he was the only human among his pirate family. Tuuvu. He reminded himself of the promise he made his surrogate father. His place was no longer among the Jedi, he knew. He had a new home, with new friends and family. And he was determined to get back to them. "But it doesn't matter, because I won't be seeing them again. Once we get this ship repaired, I'm going back to my home."
Qui-Gon felt the shift of the conversation change from two people reconciling old differences to two people tackling a problem. Taking on a more commanding tone, the Knight denied the youth. "I can not allow you to leave. The Council will want to speak with you and I only just got you back."
"Got me back?" Obi-Wan barked, the raging seas returned. "You didn't get me back, you only stumbled upon me. If not for the fact that I couldn't persuade them to ignore this ship, you would never have learned I was alive." Sweat began to bead along the young brow and his side reaffirmed its presence with a brewing fire.
Qui-Gon would not accept this, could not accept it. "No," he knew that what Obi-Wan said was true, but he could not allow him to get away again. "But I simply cannot let you walk out of my life again. I made that error once before and have been pleading for a chance to redeem myself for it."
"So that's the real reason, isn't it? Is that what you see when you look upon me? Your redemption?" Obi-Wan stepped away and grabbed the back of a chair. He could feel the darkness beckoning him again, yet he continued to refuse its call. Instead, he concentrated on the Jedi Master's poise. "You are unbelievable, Master Jinn. And I'm amazed that over the past five years you have not changed a bit. You are still the self-righteous, conceited, egotistical being that toys with children's dreams. I won't be deceived by your omnipotent rectitude."
"It was never my intention to give you false hope, not then and most definitely not now." Qui-Gon tried to stay Obi-Wan's belief that he meant to hurt him with his rejection. He saw the boy waver as Obi-Wan looked away. This is futile. We should be concerning ourselves with the ship and his condition, not having a petty argument about a past that can not be changed.
His voice quivered a bit, but still retained the accusatory edge he had adopted recently. "Whether or not it was your intention doesn't matter. Your actions have stripped me of everything."
"I can not be solely responsible for your current existence. The Council sent you to Bandomeer, and surely there were other Knights who rejected you before me." He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, but he refused to bare the brunt of the young man's downfall. Obi-Wan's head quickly turned at the blatant remark. Qui-Gon watched as the flickering light inside the boy smoldered under a blanket of pain.
Smarting from the verbal blow, Obi-Wan staggered. Slowly, he responded, "I think this conversation is over. I have work to do." In order to protect his wounded psyche from any further harm, Obi-Wan decided to once again direct his focus on the problem at hand. He planned on checking the ship to assess the damage, but as he removed his hand from the chair, his step faltered. Quickly he caught himself and paused to clear his befuddled mind before he attempted to move again.
Qui-Gon witnessed the faltered step and stated sharply, "I think you should stay here and rest."
"As I have mentioned before, I don't care what you think." Again, Obi-Wan headed for the door, determined not to let his weakness show. Yet his body proved him false as he grabbed for another chair. Leaning heavily against it, he attempted to stop his carouseling vision when Qui-Gon placed a hand on his shoulder.
The tall Knight knew nothing would stop Obi-Wan from forcing himself out to help with the recovery, lest it be anything short of pure exhaustion. Saving himself from another argument, he enhanced his command with the Force and whispered, "Sleep." And everything went dark for the troubled youth. Qui-Gon easily scooped the slender frame into his arms and turned toward the bed. As he looked down at the anguished young face, his heart began to ache anew.
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Sorry about the wait everyone and I thank all those who helped me get this right. Especially Shanobi and Flashbacca. I struggled with it for quite sometime, but I hope the end results were as satisfactory to you as it is for me. Don't forget to REVIEW!!!! I've made this story my baby and I want to hear everyone's thoughts. I accept all compliments, criticisms and flames. So don't be afraid to tell me what's on your mind. Because if it didn't matter to me, I wouldn't have asked for it.
Jolie - Thank you. I'm glad you like the conflict. I think it's been fun writing it out. : )
Cas - Thanks. I'm really glad you felt that it was real and believable. I hope that this chapter was just as good. And our Obi can never deny who he is despite what his life might be. I'm still waiting for another chapter of 'Remnants.' ; ) And I also read your 'profile' and was surprised to see another like the Tripods series. : D That has been a major influence in my life, mostly because of the British series first. But I did find the books and were able to finally read them too. : ) Well, I just thought I would share that really quickly. Thanks for reading. : D
Ewok kid - *blushes badly* I don't think it's *that* good, but I really, really appreciate the comment. I liked the idea of conflicted pirate Obi too, which is why when I read this plot bunny it bit me so bad, I have a scar. ; ) But I proudly bare that scar because this is just such a wonderful premise I feel privileged to write it. Thank you again for the wonderful comment. : D
blackhawk - Thanks. : ) I will. I really, really enjoy writing this, even if it gives me trouble. Thanks for reading.
Ciria - You're too kind. : ) I had great inspiration for Obi's eyes. I had a wallpaper with a fabulous picture of Ewan and it had the best shot of his eyes in it. *sigh* And I'm glad you liked how I showed their emotions. For this fic I have tried to place myself in every perspective so that I can understand their feelings and convey them accordingly. I hope this chap was good for you. I think this fic will move slowly at first so that I can address their reactions properly. As things progress it might move along faster, might. So please be patient and I will have answers to all your questions. Thanks. : D
Maygin - Thank you very much. I've put a lot into this story and hope that I can maintain that precarious balance. I don't want to bore my readers but I also don't want to gyp them out of the emotional struggle as well. I know the concept of 'Pirate" Obi is old and I wouldn't be surprised to find others who have thought of this possibility, but when I read the Plot Bunny, I just had to pick it up and cuddle and nurture it. I don't think you sound like a 'jerk' and I did ask for all opinions so I'm glad you're being honest. The Pirates will come back into play but read my response to Ciria to find out why not yet. Personally, I hate sap. Never been one to watch 'girly' movies and I just don't think the Star Wars Universe is a sappy place. More like raw emotions and struggling to contain them. Oh, and for the moon question. If you read the first paragraph on Chapter one, you'll see that Obi was staring at a moon. And he recognized it when they went past. The moon evoked certain emotions that he remembered as they passed it. Well, this is getting really long, sorry about that. And I appreciate you adding me to your favs. : D
Heidi M - Thank you! That was part of my motivation on how Obi would respond. How would I feel if it happened to me. So I'm glad that you liked that part. ; )
Peggy Schiltz - Thanks. : D Will do.
Shan - My wonderful beta and inspiration for this story, thank you for letting me write it. It's been a wonderful experience thus far, even with the obstacles. I still think I'm lacking on the talent end of it, but I really am glad that you like what I have done. I would hate to have dishonoured your original concept. You're the best. : D
grab-ur-lightsaber - Awww, thank you! *blush* I'm sorry if I confused you a bit. Sometimes my style works for me but not everyone else. I'll post again to 'Catch Me' soon though. And I appreciate you reviewing it. As we have both said, you seem to be the only one who is reading it. Thanks for both stories!! : D
lisa - I don't know about that. But I'll be happy to have people who follow my work. I tend to think that each story has it's own 'flavour' and I hope that it doen't throw anyone off too badly. I really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks. : D
Meggie - LOL, You're too funny. "Hey there little puppies, I think I have a milk bone for you. Arrghhh!" Alright, I borrowed that from 'Ghostbusters' but I think it works. ; ) All I can say is that I'm breathing a sigh of relief that I got the chapter up before the cut-off time. Thanks for reading. : D
Death Rider - I hope that was satisfactory with what you hoped for. Thanks for reading regardless. ; )
Havoc - Thanks. It's only natural for people to think of themselves first. It's a rare person who thinks of others. Which our Obi often does and that's why we love him. I hope you liked what I've done. Thanks again. : )