Chapter 4: Wading Through

"Life and all it's many choices

Are so funny and so mean

Deep thoughts in one's convictions

Can be someone's discontent

Just what it seems isn't

If must needs the devil drives

Soul Searcher what are you looking for

Soul giver what will you settle for" – Soul Searcher (Clanad)

His arms pulled the youth tighter to him, as Qui-Gon walked toward the sleepcouch. His thoughts still reeling from the battle he had forcefully ended. And he hated himself for it. When he first realized who their captive and daring pilot rescuer was, he had been both elated and dismayed. And those compelling eyes only added to the confusion of his emotions. And what are you going to do now? He asked himself.

Carefully, he placed the corsair on the mattress but could not bring himself to release his hold from the young man. Instead he wanted to grip tighter so as not to loose him again; so as not to let go of the fantastic waking dream he found him self in. How he wished everything could have gone differently, and not turned into the nightmare it had so quickly become. He will not be pleased, his conscience remarked.

His internal debate began. He never was to begin with, answering himself wryly. His hand strayed closer to the taut features of the boy, and he marveled to realize that his hand was trembling lightly.

Noticing the shivering hand as well, his conscience asked, How is it that one boy can effect you more than the thousand wars you have seen?

Sighing, he lightly brushed the soft ginger bangs from the young face and sat on the edge to watch him sleep. He is special.

Passively, his conscience queried further, If he's so special, why did you let him go all those years ago??

Because, I was blind. I already realized that. He reminded his inner voice. There was nothing I could do when we were told he had been killed.

And you are so certain of that? A hint of speculation in its tone.

Tearing his gaze away, Qui-Gon finally stood. Clenching his eyes closed from the rebuke, he stopped two steps away from the couch. What could I have done? Gone to search in vain? The Council would never have allowed that.

Slowly, he turned back to the sleeping rogue, watching the slight rise and fall of Obi-Wan's chest. Again the voice remained calm yet condoning at the same time, inciting him further. Yet in your heart, did you not question their judgement when they could provide no trace of him?

Of course, I did. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and fell into the defensive posture he used so often in his negotiations. But what good could I have done? The investigating authorities claimed that the Pirates took no prisoners.

The diplomatic voice claimed plainly, They took at least one.

The casually spoken fact infuriated him even more than he anticipated. Breathing deeply, he mimicked Obi-Wan's rhythmic breathes to calm his fraying nerves. After a moment he thought but could not finish, If I had only known. . . .

What would you have done? He asked himself incredulously.

Taking a step closer to the sleeping form again. Searched for him, obviously.

You speak with the knowledge of hindsight, but would you have, truthfully? Qui-Gon moved to sit at the edge of the bed again. He soon realized that the innocent face of youth no longed resided in Obi-Wan's features. A whisper even more insidious than his conscience admonished, You did that to him. Closing his eyes again, he fought desperately to deny the accusation.

Taking a deep breath he tried to release his anxiety to the Force. He soon found the effort pointless. At last, he answered the question posed. I can only hope that I would have.

Qui-Gon could have sworn he heard the incessant voice chuckle. Hope is not a bad motivation, only when it is misguided. Understanding that further explanation was necessary, his conscience continued. If you were so blind as not to trust the Force's prompting, you would have accepted the Padawan at once. And now you assume that you would have rushed out to save the wayward initiate had you known he was captive somewhere. You assumed too much.

Slowly his hand reached out to rest on the young man's forehead. How can you berate me so? Have I not been through enough? He was surprised to find tears welling in his eyes as his hand lingered on the pale skin.

I can see that the lessons you have learned have taught you nothing. The inner voice seemed to sigh. For once, Master Jedi, remove the blind fold and see what your actions have wrought.

Desolation began to close in on the Master Jedi as he speculated, Can I truly be held responsible? What have my actions begotten?

One forsaken. With every moment the sands slip further through your fingers. You have much work to do if you are to save any of it. His conscience full of remorse. The Knight moved his hand down to the wounded side of the boy and hovered.

Is it possible to save? Is it even worth the effort? Reaching into the calming presence of the Force, he directed as much of its healing powers into the burn.

Only time can answer that. The inner voice seemed to become distant, as if it were drifting down a stream. Time that trickles on while you do nothing. Hurry, time will not wait for you.

Qui-Gon could barely hear the words now and called out desperately, What should I do? Where do I begin? Only silence answered his pleas. Distraught by his inner conflict and the truths that were brought to light, Qui-Gon remained at the edge of the bed. At that moment in time, nothing else existed beyond that room.

***

Siri and her Master had been lost in deep reflection when they heard a small voice cut through their thoughts. In the midst of the news, Siri had almost forgotten about the young initiates that she was to tend. Only moments before Bant had come running into the room, Siri had finally managed to get the youngsters to sleep. She left the adjoining room so that she wouldn't disturb them and hoped that her Master would return soon. Fortunately, Adi had come in only a few moments later.

A young girl of about 9 standard years stood in the doorway of the two rooms. "Siri? Is everything alright?"

Quickly, the Padawan rose to greet the youth, "Yes, Tola. Everything's fine."

"When will we be going home?" She asked, her lilac eyes staring up at the apprentice. The girl's gazed flicked for a moment toward the Councilwoman before settling back on Siri.

The Padawan glanced back at the Jedi Master as well, a hint of concern in her features. Looking the young girl in the eyes, she stated, "Soon."

Realizing, she wasn't going to get a better answer, Tola nodded. There was a moment of reticence that held the room then broke when the 'fresher door opened. As soon as Bant and Tahl entered, Tola shot Siri an irritated glance. It seemed obvious to the youngster that everything was not ok from the sadden expression on the Calamarian's face. Without reserve, Tola ran past Siri and Adi to cling to the other Padawan. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, Tola. I'm alright." Bant tried to dissuade the young girl's concern. Managing to get the initiate to loosen her hold, Bant knelt down to be on eye level with the child.

Tola did not let her go entirely. She held onto the Padawan's hands and gave her a face that revealed her disbelief. Tola let go of one of Bant's hands and the tip came up to brush away some of her dark teal bangs. Staring at the Padawan for a moment longer, she finally asked, "This has something to do with that Pirate, … Obi-Wan?" She had paused to recall the name she heard.

Suddenly fresh tears rimmed Bant's eyes, "How did you ….?" Her voice hitched and the Padawan couldn't complete the question.

Blushing for a second, Tola said, "I couldn't sleep. I heard Master Gallia and Siri talking. Did you know him?" Bant could only nod, as words would not form for her. Sadly, the young initiate asked, "Is … he dead?"

Remembering their brief interaction, Bant glanced down and replied, "He said he was … is." Tola tilted her head in obvious confusion but said nothing. Quietly, the girl embraced the Calamarian again. From behind the Padawan, Tahl placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Bant looked up thankfully.

A few minutes passed in silence as they all tried to guess at what would happen next. It was Adi who finally disrupted the quiet. "Siri and I will go and check on our guest. I don't want to leave them alone for too long. And we still have to contact the Captain to discuss our options."

Nodding, Tahl agreed, "I think it would be best if we stayed with the initiates for a while. Please keep us appraised of the situation."

Approving, Adi glanced back to Siri and gave a slight nod. The girl responded immediately by following her out of the room. Crossing the hall, they entered the other cabin. Adi had been expecting them to still be arguing and was shocked to find the room silent.

On the bed, Qui-Gon sat vigilantly over the sleeping form of their captive. Her features taking on a more somber appearance as her worry grew. She had never known the tall Master to get upset over anything, it was the reason the Council chose him as their prime negotiator. However, when she looked upon him, she found red eyes. And it disturbed her greatly. She probed, "Qui-Gon?"

The Knight held his position but turned to fully face the two Jedi that had entered. "He is …. asleep."

"What have you learned?" Adi questioned as she strode up to the end of the sleepcouch. Siri headed to the other side to stand opposite the tall Knight. The Padawan gazed intently at the sleeping form. Now that she had pulled up those memories, she could see the resemblance.

Qui-Gon took a deep breath before answering. "I discovered that he believed that the Jedi abandoned him to the Pirates. And that he plans to return to them once we leave."

"That is not acceptable, the Council…" Adi began but was abruptly cut off.

"I already told him that was impossible." His gaze drifted past the noblewoman to focus on nothing. His method of confining the youth disturbed him greatly. Confessing, he told Adi, "I said that he… is our prisoner."

Observing the reserved Knight, she realized he had used this as a desperate measure to stop Obi-Wan from leaving. Suddenly, she wished she had never left them alone. But she also knew that Qui-Gon would not have allowed her to stay. Now she wanted the man to detail their entire conversation, but thought it would be awkward in front of her Padawan. Instead she decided, "Siri, you stay here and watch over Obi-Wan. If he wakes, he is not to leave the ship. It would be preferable that he stay in this room, but he is not confined to quarters, yet." Having taken charge of the situation, Adi then addressed her concern, "Qui-Gon, come with me to locate the Captain."

Accepting the new orders, Qui-Gon stood, but never lifted his hand from the pale forehead. Adi nodded and then walked out. Qui-Gon stood staring down for a few moments longer before tearing himself away from the young man's side to join Adi Gallia.

Siri watched the Jedi Masters leave. At first she felt awkward standing there, staring but after a while she moved to a more comfortable position to think. Again memories began to play out re-affirming the presence of this one-time initiate in her life. Little by little, she began to feel annoyed by his actions since the reports of his 'death.' He could have been a great Jedi Knight, yet he threw it all away to be a pirate. And she could not abide by that decision no matter what he might have believed happened back then.

In the hall, Adi waited for Qui-Gon, when he emerged, her frown deepened. He seemed more like a lost pet than a Jedi Knight. His gaze never lifted past the height of the sleep couch and he stopped just behind her, waiting for her to guide him. She needed him to snap out of this reverie he had plunged into, so she asked, "Qui-Gon, will you be alright?" He nodded but did not look at her. "Qui-Gon, I understand this is a most difficult situation for you. And it's obvious things have not gone as you hoped they would. But I need you to focus right now. Obi-Wan will have to wait while we figure out a way to get back to the Temple. We have initiates that need to be taken care of before you can work out your situation with Obi-Wan. Do you understand?" She could think of no other way to bring him back except by placing the current problems before him to focus on.

Qui-Gon had heard the Councilwoman's words but they took a few minutes to sink in. Again he nodded, and then raised his eyes to meet the fellow Master's. Adi watched as a new fire lit behind the azure gaze. "I understand completely, Master. However, I was sent on this mission for a purpose and I believe that purpose now sleeps in that room," the Knight pointed to the door they had exited from. "I will accompany you to locate the Captain. And once we have learned what our current situation is, I will be coming back here. I assume full responsibility for our captive." With that the tall Jedi pushed past the frowning woman. He was determined to complete this task quickly so that he could return to Obi-Wan as soon as possible.

**

"Captain," a lieutenant called as their commander entered. "The repairs are almost complete."

"Good," Tuuvu answered, pleased at their rapid progress. "Once those sensors are back up, I want you to begin searching for that vessel."

"Aye, Cap'n." Grruun quickly headed off to do his leader's bidding.

Tuuvu continued his examination of the repairs on the bridge. Reclining in one of the pilot chairs, he began to replay the entire raid in his mind. He remembered Obi's trepidation about the assault even before they had set out and wished he had done more to listen to it. Now his cub was in the hands of those they had afflicted and he had no idea what they were doing to him. Frustrated, his fist slammed into the control panel. The distraught captain slouched in his seat trying not to let his worry consume him. A hand came to rest on his shoulder and Tuuvu looked up to see his loyal friend Mrrogh standing beside him.

"Don't worry. I'm sure he's all right." Mrrogh tried to console his leader, but knew that the caring commandant would not rest until the entire crew had been accounted for. Now, he only regretted mentioning what he had witnessed in the hall of the doomed ship. As soon as he recounted the blaster wound that Obi-Wan received, he could see the weight descend on the Togorian's shoulders.

It was true of course, when Tuuvu learned of the wound his cub had been dealt, he had admonished his lack of observation. Irritated with himself, Tuuvu recalled how well his cub hid his pain. A distant memory resurfaced and the patriarch recalled it had once taken him a week to discover the boy had broken an arm after one of their first raids together. A soft smile almost made it to his features before a fist crashed into the panel again. "I need to get him back, Mrrogh. I need to make sure he's ok."

Mrrogh sought for anything that could alleviate some of the distress his friend suffered from. The only comforting words came from the one who was lost. "He said they were all Jedi. They would not harm him."

"Maybe not, but they have already given him a wound that has never healed." His thoughts drifting back even further in time. A time when he comforted a scared and ailing boy, whom their previous captain, had mistreated. But the undying agony of rejection and abandonment was the true source of the boy's tormented soul. And that pain was the result of what the Jedi had done to him. However, once Obi-Wan had recovered enough from his afflictions, Tuuvu could also see the good they had instilled in the youth. And the skills and guidance that now affected their own lives as well. His mind wandered back through their raid and he realized one fact they had neglected before. "Not everyone on that ship was a Jedi. We have to find him." Worry rooted itself deeper into the man's thoughts.

Distracted by their contemplation, neither heard Kuuur's arrival. Without pretense, he questioned, "I heard you have given orders to seek out that ship. Is it true?"

Wearily, Tuuvu responded, "Yes."

The sable Togorian crossed his arms and straightened to full height. "I can't let you do that. You risk the ship for one who is already lost."

Tuuvu pressed down his growing concern and stood to face his First Mate. "You don't know that Kuuur."

"That ship was dying," Kuuur stated, "and it was taking all those on board with it." He forced the probably reality out into the open.

"Cub is resourceful. I know he managed to land that ship." Tuuvu began to resume working on some of the minor repairs to keep his mind from straying too far. "And I refuse to abandon him."

"*If* he lived, he promised he would come back to you." Kuuur followed his Captain, attempting to redirect their priorities. "Don't throw our lives away for just one being."

But Tuuvu would not listen to reason. "You know I can't do that."

"This is madness. He isn't even Togorian!" Kuuur growled in frustration.

A grey and white streak crossed the room to challenge his insolent subordinate. "That is irrelevant. He is my son, by soul if not by blood."

Knowing this was getting them no where, Kuuur tried a different approach, "I know he has made his way into your heart. And he was a great asset to this crew. But to hunt for him now only places us in undue danger."

"Kuuur, if I know my crew, which I should as their captain, then I know there is not one among us who would not seek cub out." The Captain backed down slightly as he knew he spoke the truth. "He has made our efforts more profitable and has become a friend to everyone on board and at home. Now I ask you this, if it had been Liior would you be able to go back to Daangh without him?"

"No." Kuuur cringed inside as he thought about the possibility and Tuuvu easily recognized it.

Watching the tides turn, he pressed his point further, "Then how can you expect me to do the same with Jorri?"

Accepting his commander's decision, Kuuur relented. But he could not dismiss all his misgivings about this endeavour. After a few moments he voiced, "What if we don't find him?"

Sighing, Tuuvu's shoulders dropped, "I will face that reality when I come to it."

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I'm trying a slightly different file format, so I hope this wasn't too odd for you. Anyway, Please don't forget to review!! I can not stress enough how much I want all of your thoughts on this one. Be the thoughts good or bad. I just want you to tell me. Please, Please, Please REVIEW!!!!! Thanks for reading!

Meggie – I'm making in just under the wire. I'm sorry and will try to do better next time. And don't worry, I'm a non-slash kinda girl. ; ) *turns to the puppies behind Meggie* And I have a ham bone for you boys! Like me yet, pooches?

Shan – Ah, my dear, go ahead and live vicariously through this fic. In a sense, you are 'writing' this too. I know what you have said, but this was your PB first and since I value your input on it, I think you deserve some of the praise in the feedback as well. : D And this PB had "big, sharp pointy teeth!" But as I mentioned before, I proudly bare the scar to this little rabbit. But you really must stop posting such delicious PB's, or else I'll never finish anything. ; ) Thanks again for everything!! : D

obaona - Thank you. : ) I'm glad that their emotional conflicts are as gripping as the 'physical' ones. I think we'll have to wait and see if it is willing or unwilling, or even if it happens at all. The Force is a mysterious thing, but we will have to trust it's guidance for this fic. ; )

Ewok Kid - *blush* Thank you very much. I'm so very happy that you are enjoying this little-story-soon-to-be-epic. : ) I just hope you like what I have in store for this timeline.

amazed – yeah, it's all good stuff. Thanks for reading. : D

Ciria – Happy Belated B-Day!! :D Sorry I didn't mention it before. : ( But I kept forgetting. My bad. I hope I spoiled you again. : D And I hope that the chap was worth the wait. I'm enjoying working out the emotional turmoil for each of them. And have been striving to convey them all. I am a child of emotion(being a Cancer) and I love the Moon. Which only adds to my emotional ties and sign. For some reason I think Obi could be a Cancer child as well. They are nurturing souls and giving. They tend to 'hide' behind a shell of perfect harmony when they could be torn inside. But their problems are not their main concern, but others. History and stories mean a great deal to them as they cherish family and friends. But that's just me. Anyway, tell me every single thought you had. You know how much I appreciate your reviews. ; ) Thanks! : D

Culf – Wow, I'm actually impressed. I don't see many Qui fans around. There might be some conflict still between them, but Obi is not one to hold grudges for too long in my mind. Just be patient with me as some things have to get worse before they can get better. Thanks. : )

Arnen – Thanks. I will do my best to get you another chapter soon. ; )

Cas – Hey, thanks for reviewing at both sites. I really appreciate it!! : D This chap came pretty easily for me, and I hope any future 'rough' spots won't be as bad as last chap. And I'm hoping to see more on 'Remnants' soon too. ; )

Rai – I try not to be mean and horrible. And you are right, the Prologue is short. But most of my other chapters on this have been roughly 5-6 pages on word at 10 pt font. That's pretty long for me for each chap. So please bare with me and thanks for reading!! : D

grab-ur-lightsaber – LOL, I don't know if I would have been able to argue my way out of that one on the fly either. So, are you enjoying the wallpaper?? That site has a few great shots that I rotate with. *sigh* Sends me right into dreamland. : D And that chap was the hardest one I have ever written. But this one wasn't so bad. I just hope not to have to face another road block like that again. Thanks.

Death Rider – Mental anguish good! Physical anguish good too! *sigh* I am a proud member of OTA(Obi-Torture Anonymous) and it's one of my favourite things!! : D Much more to come! ] : )

Beth – Wow, thank you soo much. : D I have been working so hard to really bring out the dynamic between our two favourite chars. Obi and Qui have so much character to work with. And I can't tell you how pleased I am that you told me what you thought. If you could please review whenever you get the chance I would be forever grateful. As for your Siri question, here's my answer. This is an AU but not an overly drastic AU. One choice created this time line and we are seeing the results of that. There would still have been a child on Kegan, and Siri did go. But it was another Jedi team that went as well. There will be a lot of references to events that happened in the JA series through out the beginning portions of this story. As I'm sure you have guessed, Tahl didn't die on New Apsolon and She didn't even go blind on Melida/Daan. And I will explain some of that in time. I also just want to warn you, that this is my SWU AU, which means I will also make a small number of references to some of my other stories and how they fit into this timeline. I'm sorry if that does not appeal to you, but it's something that this story has compelled me to do. I hope you stick it out and see what I have in store for our fav duo and company. Thanks again for reading and especially reviewing!! : D