Chapter 5: Crimson Wishes Grant Only Black Dreams
"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it OK
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight" - Angel (Sara McLachlan - City of Angels Soundtrack)
Captain Lessik accessed the outside hatch and prepared for any surprises. Fortunately, only the tall meadow grass moved from a gentle breeze. Beyond the clearing, he noted that the forest was thick and dense. He motioned for some of his crew to exit, in order for them to begin their exterior examination of the damage. At that moment the rest of his crew was working on the internal problems while he took the rest out.
Lessik followed his crew outside and kept himself alert for any danger. While watching his crew work, the Captain's thoughts wondered. He recalled the entire incident that led them here. He remembered that the tall Jedi, Master Jinn, had been sent along to watch for the pirates. The board that controlled Galactic Transit Corp requested extra protection in the event they were raided, thus the Jedi had sent the Knight along.
However, Lessik was unsure as to what the Knight would do, since the pirates were only glorified thieves. Once their ship had been attacked, the Knight advised that they act calmly. Jinn knew there were no valuables on board and thought that caution would guarantee safety for the passengers and crew. This tactic was working until the explosion.
That event changed the course of both parties. For the pirates, it meant abandon ship and get away as quickly as possible. For his crew and passengers, it meant a fight for survival. What fascinated Lessik the most was the interaction between the Togorians and the human among them. The boy seemed young, but they obviously valued his opinion. Lessik also realized that the boy had known that there were Jedi, mostly, on board. This had peeked his curiosity, since it appeared that he knew that before the raid took place. At least, that was what he gathered from the boy's words. The Togorian raiders all spoke in their native tongue so, Lessik had listened intently on the boy's comments.
Later, once the pirate vessel broke off, he was surprised to find the rogue on his bridge. And not just on his bridge but offering his help to land the craft. Lessik knew that without his co-pilot, Griven, to help, they would have a slim chance of surviving. He was further surprised when the pirate asked for the controls to land the ship, for the most part, by himself. Even as he thought about these events, Lessik was still not sure what prompted him to trust the rouge completely. But in all honesty, he was glad he did.
Now, he pondered how the raider/hero was doing. He recalled the crimson colour of blood coating some of the controls and the faint, once they landed. The Jedi had said, 'Obi-Wan' when he looked upon the lad and Lessik wasn't sure if that was the boy's name or something else. But the tall Jedi stated that they would take care of their own and took the boy with him. For some reason he knew that the Jedi also included the rouge in question.
In the mean time, he needed to take care of his crew and find out how extensive the damage was. He had four of his men with him and five working in the engineering room. Griven and his medic, Kohnwei, were in the infirmary. All of his men were accounted for and only Griven had been injured when the control panel exploded.
Returning to his current situation, Lessik watched one of his lieutenants walk up. "Captain, external damage report."
"Yes, Mister Obser, go ahead." The Captain straightened and prepared himself for the worst.
"The main starboard engine is beyond repair. The aft starboard has been damaged, and we are trying to see if there will be any way to repair it. Both port side engines have minor damage and we have already begun work on them. There are a number of hull breaches that will need fixing before lifting off. And I spoke with Jeswick, sir. He said that the hyperdrive is also damaged but he thinks we can get it working again. End report." The lieutenant paused to let his Captain think over what he had relayed and waited for his orders.
Lessik allowed the information to sink in, and nodded slowly. "Thank you, Obser," he said absent-mindedly while he worked out their status. A few minutes later, his posture changed and he began, "Give me your honest opinion, Nev, will we get this bird off the ground?"
Relaxing a bit, Nev turned back to look the ship over once more before answering. At last he said, "Honestly. I don't think so, Fen. But we will do everything we can before giving up."
"Thanks, Nev." Fen gave his companion a small smile in gratitude for his honesty. His crew was a good group of people and he was proud to serve with them. They were not a military group in the least, but the Galactic Transit Corp. had modeled their piloting staff and crews after some of the military standards set by the Senate. As a result, they ran their ships in a similar manner and Lessik was no exception. But when it came down to his crew, he also thought of them as a strange sort of family, a brotherhood of sorts. Nev had been one of his closest friends in the crew and had worked with him for too many years to count. Nev Obser and Wuan Jeswick were his main engineers and he valued their opinions greatly.
He was about to call Jeswick when he noticed the tall Jedi and stern Councilwoman coming up to greet them. They began by stating, "Your crewman, Sordin, said we would find you out here."
"Yes, Master Gallia. We needed to do an external examination as well as internal. How are your initiates?" The Captain expressed his concern for his passengers.
Adi nodded in thanks and replied, "They are all well. Master Tahl and Padawans Siri and Bant were able to secure them during our landing. There were only minor injuries, which we were able to care for easily. How is your crew?"
"Only my co-pilot, Griven has sustained an injury. He is being cared for right now by my medic, Kohnwei." For some reason, Fen did not want to broach the subject of their guest and skirted the issue all together. "It's good to hear that you are all well. I'm afraid we won't be leaving as soon as I would like. We still have some assessments to do, but it appears that we are stuck here for a while."
"Is there anything we can do, Captain?" The diplomatic Councilor offered.
"No, not at the moment Master Jedi. I will let you know if we require any additional assistance." Lessik glanced at the silent Jedi for a moment and he noticed the tense features. Something must be wrong, but I don't think I'll ask him just yet. Just then, another thought struck him, "Maybe there is something you can help with. Would you mind checking out the surrounding area briefly to determine if there is an immediate danger to my crew? All of my hands are working on getting us back in the air and I am concerned for their safety. Your initiates', as well."
Qui-Gon was not pleased with the request, it would delay him from getting back to Obi-Wan, but he read the reproach in Adi's gaze and remained quiet. "Of course, Captain. It's the least we could do." The reserved woman glanced again to her companion and headed off to start the preliminary search.
Lessik and Obser watched the two walk off before making their way to assist with the repairs. The Captain paused once more to stare at the retreating forms. His thoughts careened into each other before pushing them to the back of his mind and concentrating on the task ahead.
**
"Captain, the sensor array has picked up a strong ion trail." Grruun informed his commander, adding, "It wasn't hard to miss with an engine that damaged." The Togorian glanced back at his Captain and could see the drawn features. He quickly added, "I'm sure he was able to land it."
Tuuvu nodded. "Track it and find out where that ship landed. I want to find Obi and get back home as soon as possible."
"Yes, Captain. We'll find him." Grruun watched as his leader turned and left the forward cabin. The younger Togorian was still trying to impress the commander by proving his worth. Having only come aboard the pirate vessel a few months ago, he still had trouble deciphering the chief's mood. Grruun also remembered how Obi-Wan had helped him get adjusted to ship life. Suddenly, the urge to find the kind human filled him and he quickly set himself to the task.
**
A soft moan disturbed the quiet of the room. Slowly, darkness released her hold on the weary consciousness allowing it once again to return to the light. Awareness crept through the sluggish thoughts and a lingering suggestion of the Force still clung to his mind. Somewhere his mind surmised, Qui-Gon. His mental tone venomous, reflecting the contemptible ire that boiled beneath the surface.
Gingerly, a hand came up to rub at his aching head. With the realization that the Force still hovered around his consciousness, Obi-Wan grew steadily angrier. He had spent most of his years away from the Jedi building up his shields to protect him from detection and in worse case scenarios, suggestion. He valued the barricades surrounding his mind and could not believe someone was able to slip past them. It didn't matter that he was so focused on fighting the pain and dizziness to maintain the mental barriers, the fact that he was susceptible to it bothered him greatly.
His hand moved down to check his wounded side and found that there was less pain in the movements. He could also sense the foreign concentration of the Force around the marred tissue. Again he gathered it was Jinn's handiwork and frowned further. Slowly, he opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. When his mind cleared he could feel the other occupant in the room but said nothing to acknowledge her.
Siri had been watching the sleeping form intently, waiting for her chance to speak with him. With every passing moment her desire to question him and voice her thoughts grew steadily. From the moment she saw him stir, she began to hold her breath while she waited for him to wake fully. When his eyes fluttered open, she exhaled and then said, "I remember you now."
At first, Obi-Wan didn't know how to respond. For him, the recollection of her memories only made things worse for him. Sighing, he replied sarcastically, "I'm happy for you. Now leave me alone."
Minute passed as silence claimed the room. Finally, Siri said, "My Master requests that you remain in the cabin."
Absently, he baited her on, "What if I don't? Are you going to throw me in the brig?"
"If I had my way, you would have already been there." The Padawan shifted in her place but never removed her gaze from the prone figure.
Obi-Wan scanned his body to find out how well he was healing. Somewhat pleased with the results, he let his annoyance live in the conversation. "I thought Jedi were the trusting sort. I guess I was wrong." He lay still for a moment thinking about his situation. He asked, "Can I help with the repairs?"
"No."
He was getting steadily more agitated by her curt responses. "Have they even done their assessment yet?"
"They're checking on it." They sat in silence again for some time. Both teenagers were trying to reign in their irritation, and both failing. She had so many questions she wanted answered but didn't know where to begin. Her thoughts were debating over what to say next and what came out surprised her but she did not regret it. "You should have contacted us."
Not answering, Obi-Wan carefully sat up and stared at the blonde young woman that guarded him. Her hard glare and accusatory tone was what he expected upon his return from the dead. Silently, the two battled wills before, Obi-Wan finally said, "What difference would it have made?"
Siri did not move, just remained leaning against the wall across from him with her arms folded in front of her. Narrowing her gaze she answered, "You would have been with the Jedi again."
Shaking his head, Obi-Wan said, "No, I would have been sent off again. Thrown away."
"So you chose to stay with pirates?" The Padawan pushed off from the wall and took a step closer to the brigand. "Did you think that was what the Jedi had trained you for? To rob and destroy?"
Pouncing up to stand off against Siri, Obi-Wan pushed back the slight wave of dizziness that swept through him. "The *Jedi* showed me I was worthless to them when they sent me away. If a group of pirates were willing to take me in, then who cares what you think?"
Never backing down from a battle, Siri moved closer, "Did you strike that bargain when they first boarded your ship? How about slaughtering some of the crew? Did you turn so quickly?"
A flash of the hazy incident burned through his mind, creating a swirl of emotions that encompassed Obi-Wan; pain, rage, regret, despair. "I was taken as a captive at first," he uttered through clenched teeth. "I was dead for a time before I became one of them. It would disgust you to learn what happened to me during that time."
Confusion lit the girl's cerulean eyes, "So they forced you to join them?"
"No!" His voice was hoarse from the raging storm in his soul, "I joined them after Tuuvu saved me."
In all honesty, Siri was curious. She so wanted to understand what had happened in his life that would have made him want to remain 'lost.' "Saved you from what?"
From the pain inflicted upon me by Drrov, when I was nothing but his to punish! From the revolting abyss of rejection that I so willingly fell into! But mostly, from myself! His rampant mind wanted to scream out but rationale and stubborn defiance won and he gave the only answer he could, "Pain." It was a simple, plain answer, but he could see that she understood somehow.
Siri backed up for a moment, as not to get caught up in the infinitesimal abundance of desperation that swelled in the seas. Suddenly, she got the impression that he spoke truthfully and she did not want to know had happened to him. A shiver ran through her and she felt the urge to leave. She knew she tread on grounds beyond a line she should never have crossed. Softly, she said, "I will let them know you are a awake." And with that she turned and hurried out of the room.
Stunned for a moment by the apprentice's abrupt departure, Obi-Wan stared after her. Before he knew what was happening he found himself wandering the halls of the ship. He felt that if he remained in the room any longer the torrent of emotions would have ripped him apart, so he ran. He just didn't want to answer anymore questions right then. He was tired and confused and all he wanted was to drift into darkness and not feel anymore.
Somehow, he managed to find the ship's small Rec Room, which was available for the passengers. His gaze wandered around the room before lighting upon an object that he hoped could help him. Quickly, he crossed the vacant room and shrugged off his coat. For a moment he stood in front of the padded pedestal before striking out with a clenched fist. The blow landed solidly on the synthetic rawhide. And for that instant the dull ache that ran up his arm overpowered the chaos erupting inside of him.
The sensation of pain meeting pain invited him and Obi-Wan struck out in reply to its call. Again the dull ache collided with his internal waves of emotion. Struggling against the undercurrents of his tormented soul, he continued his attack on the unyielding post.
Punching and kicking he lashed out, allowing his emotions to flow from him. His mind wandering through the expanse of his memories, bringing up each event with vivid newness. Every second of his past brought up to taunt and tease the hopes and dreams of one who no longer existed. Anger and rage at the misery that coated his entire being begged for release. And he thrashed out harder to offer them some sort of escape. Escape. It was all Obi-Wan wanted.
To be free of the pain and sorrow; to be free of the emptiness and desolation; to be free of everything that made him who he was. A void. I want to be a void. Nothing. Empty. No more feelings. And the waves of physical pain clashed with his emotional anguish creating that moment of vacuity that he longed for. So he gave himself up to the dance, swinging wildly at the boxing post. Spinning around attacking the inanimate object with all of his might. The fervor of his motions grew steadily in intensity. And the emotions displayed in his sea-change eyes careened from hurt, anger, and pain. Attacking again and again, he let the pole personify everything that had caused him agony. Diligently beating it into submission, forcing it down into the abyss of discommode, he fought the stabbing ache that threatened to rip his heart out.
Desolation and desperation clawed at his distraught countenance, shredding his resolve. And unbeknownst to Obi-Wan, tears traced the lines of his cheeks. His soft skin glistened from his exertion. The silken ginger strands clumped together. His bangs dangled in his face, allowing salty water to sting his eyes. He didn't know how long he was at it, nor did he give a damn. All he wanted was to stop the misery that engulfed him daily amidst the catastrophe that had become his existence. Rip from his mind, the day his dreams were crushed and buried into the ground of hopelessness. The day his life changed forever and created the monster that fleetingly clung to life.
His thirteenth birthday, a day he should have celebrated with his Master and given a special gift. A gift signifying the commitment of a Jedi Master to their Padawan that they would be there for him. Stating they were there to make sure the Apprentice ascends to the honoured rank of Knighthood. The day when Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Hopeful and Initiate was alone while being held captive after a pirate raid, had died. It was also the day when the Jedi were lost to him forever. And now that he was among them again, it revived the torment in his soul tenfold.
If anyone had been watching, they would not have dared to approach the wretched sight before them. The anguished cries of a tortured spirit reverberated through the empty room. Empty like the husk of a boy thrashing out to dull his pain. Tears pouring down the youthful face mixing with the sweat of his labour. But the most frightening of all, was the splash of blood from the torn knuckles of his hands, clashing with the tan textured hide covering the post. Limbs exhausted and numb from the constant abuse, pleaded to cease the subversion, but he didn't care. He wasn't about to let up. He wanted to feel the glorious sensation of nothingness; at least then it didn't hurt anymore.
At last, his fist slid off the punching pedestal due to the light coating of blood, and he fell to the floor, beyond haggard and vacant. His tired arms and legs shook uncontrollably. Obi-Wan rested his head against the bottom of the object of his contempt. But he knew deep down that it was himself he despised so venomously. Finally, giving into the despair desperately wanting to surround him, he wept. Gasping sobs escaped him that he could do nothing to stop. In the middle of his desolation he looked up to the ceiling through blurry blue-green portals and screamed, "Why Force? Why did you punish me?"
His gulping sobs slowly eased to hissing catches of breath. His sense of time had been completely distorted due to his episode, so he had no idea how much time had passed. The trembling of his body also began to calm and his wounded side protested his choice. He moved to appease the tender tissue when he felt a hand softly touch his shoulder.
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Thank you everyone for reading!! : D Please don't forget to review. And I already knew that the end would be a horrible cliffie, but if you really, really, want to you can let me know how bad it was for you. ; ) Let me have it!!
remnants-2011 - Thank you very much! I'm glad you are enjoying it. : D
Ciria - Ahh, my favourite review. ; ) I'm glad you liked the 'tenderness' shown in the last chapter. I hope the emotional rollercoaster was good for because the ride's not over yet. ; ) We have a LONG way to go. Just remember Obi has a number of other people he needs to talk to. The Qui conversation was so easy to write I couldn't believe it. I wish everything else I'm working on could have come so easily. Oh well. I liked a lot of that section. It all just seemed right to me. And I'm glad you liked Tola too. I think we'll be seeing a bit more of some of the young initiates soon. We still have to get off the planet and get back to the Temple. So we'll see what happens between here and there. ] : ) Mwahahahaha. Ah-hem. Sorry. And I have other plans for Obi's situation as well. So hold on and we'll see what I have in store. ; )
Heidi M - I'm glad you're a little torn between the Jedi's reaction and Obi's. I was going for a different dynamic in this story, attempting to show true to life emotions as best I could. I think everyone has a tendency to be a bit selfish when it comes to their emotions and that's what I wanted to convey. As I have written these chapters I have strived to place myself in their minds, and come up with their reactions as best as I could based on what I knew of their characters. I think I have managed to capture some of that in my writing. If I'm wrong please tell me so. And thanks for letting me know. I really appreciate it! : D
grab-ur-lightsaber - I'm happy you are enjoying that site. I have to admit I like it a whole lot. [face_love] As soon as I can get my own website up, I'll let everyone know where you can go for OTA. ; ) As for Qui's conversation, The Force, eh? You never know. ; D BTB, what does TRSJLNJD mean? I'll probably figure it out after I post but please let me know. Thanks. :D
Shan - My co-conspirator on this little venture. I can not express how much I appreciate your input. I really do. ; D I'm glad I could fix that one part and make it more to what you thought. I know it bothered me as well, but you were able to point out what I needed. Thanks. And go ahead and leave as many reviews as you like. After all sometimes you think of something to add or comment on later. And I can't wait for that confrontation, but it also worries me too. I just hope I can pull it off. Thanks.
ashley - Awww, thanks. I really appreciate it. :8} I hope this was just as good.
Ewok Kid - Thank you very much!! : D I like those parts too. And they were great sections to write, too.
Sinister Papaya Fondue - Wow!! :8} Thank You!!! : D I'm flattered.
JCslilangel1425 - Thank you so very much!! :8} I'm really enjoying writing it. Hope the rest keeps you entertained.
Liyanette - Yes, soon. But I don't know when exactly. I'm taking this slowly so that I can really show their thoughts. Hope you don't mind. ; ) Thanks! : )
Artemicion - :8} Awww, Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :8} You are too kind. You don't need to beg. That's my job. I'll strike a deal with you. You review and I'll keep posting. Does that sound reasonable? Let me know. ; )
Death Rider - LOL, I think there might be more mental anguish down the road. Afterall, we haven't even gotten back to the Temple. ] : ) Thanks again!! : D
Culf - Oops, my bad. ; ) I didn't realize you were such an ANAKIN fan! *ducks from swing* I'm just kidding! Han was most definitely the OT hottie of the Series but Ewan can also bring on the charm. Every time he smiles in the beginning of Moulin Rouge I *melt* myself. *sigh* Heck anytime he gives that grin, I fall over. It's so hard to watch SW sometimes because Obi/Ben is just so stern. But I have always liked the character of Obi/Ben long before TPM it's just nice to put a young handsome face to his past. ; ) But , um, I don't think it would be very Jedi like to have a scapegoat if what they do turns sour. But that's just me. I do have an idea of how things might work out, but you'll just have to wait to see what happens. : p
Meggie - Would the puppies like a cat to play with? I'll give them mine if that will make them happy. "Nice puppies, what can I do that will make you like me? I hope this post will tide your master over for a while. And just remember I like dogs. : D" Thanks!!
"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it OK
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight" - Angel (Sara McLachlan - City of Angels Soundtrack)
Captain Lessik accessed the outside hatch and prepared for any surprises. Fortunately, only the tall meadow grass moved from a gentle breeze. Beyond the clearing, he noted that the forest was thick and dense. He motioned for some of his crew to exit, in order for them to begin their exterior examination of the damage. At that moment the rest of his crew was working on the internal problems while he took the rest out.
Lessik followed his crew outside and kept himself alert for any danger. While watching his crew work, the Captain's thoughts wondered. He recalled the entire incident that led them here. He remembered that the tall Jedi, Master Jinn, had been sent along to watch for the pirates. The board that controlled Galactic Transit Corp requested extra protection in the event they were raided, thus the Jedi had sent the Knight along.
However, Lessik was unsure as to what the Knight would do, since the pirates were only glorified thieves. Once their ship had been attacked, the Knight advised that they act calmly. Jinn knew there were no valuables on board and thought that caution would guarantee safety for the passengers and crew. This tactic was working until the explosion.
That event changed the course of both parties. For the pirates, it meant abandon ship and get away as quickly as possible. For his crew and passengers, it meant a fight for survival. What fascinated Lessik the most was the interaction between the Togorians and the human among them. The boy seemed young, but they obviously valued his opinion. Lessik also realized that the boy had known that there were Jedi, mostly, on board. This had peeked his curiosity, since it appeared that he knew that before the raid took place. At least, that was what he gathered from the boy's words. The Togorian raiders all spoke in their native tongue so, Lessik had listened intently on the boy's comments.
Later, once the pirate vessel broke off, he was surprised to find the rogue on his bridge. And not just on his bridge but offering his help to land the craft. Lessik knew that without his co-pilot, Griven, to help, they would have a slim chance of surviving. He was further surprised when the pirate asked for the controls to land the ship, for the most part, by himself. Even as he thought about these events, Lessik was still not sure what prompted him to trust the rouge completely. But in all honesty, he was glad he did.
Now, he pondered how the raider/hero was doing. He recalled the crimson colour of blood coating some of the controls and the faint, once they landed. The Jedi had said, 'Obi-Wan' when he looked upon the lad and Lessik wasn't sure if that was the boy's name or something else. But the tall Jedi stated that they would take care of their own and took the boy with him. For some reason he knew that the Jedi also included the rouge in question.
In the mean time, he needed to take care of his crew and find out how extensive the damage was. He had four of his men with him and five working in the engineering room. Griven and his medic, Kohnwei, were in the infirmary. All of his men were accounted for and only Griven had been injured when the control panel exploded.
Returning to his current situation, Lessik watched one of his lieutenants walk up. "Captain, external damage report."
"Yes, Mister Obser, go ahead." The Captain straightened and prepared himself for the worst.
"The main starboard engine is beyond repair. The aft starboard has been damaged, and we are trying to see if there will be any way to repair it. Both port side engines have minor damage and we have already begun work on them. There are a number of hull breaches that will need fixing before lifting off. And I spoke with Jeswick, sir. He said that the hyperdrive is also damaged but he thinks we can get it working again. End report." The lieutenant paused to let his Captain think over what he had relayed and waited for his orders.
Lessik allowed the information to sink in, and nodded slowly. "Thank you, Obser," he said absent-mindedly while he worked out their status. A few minutes later, his posture changed and he began, "Give me your honest opinion, Nev, will we get this bird off the ground?"
Relaxing a bit, Nev turned back to look the ship over once more before answering. At last he said, "Honestly. I don't think so, Fen. But we will do everything we can before giving up."
"Thanks, Nev." Fen gave his companion a small smile in gratitude for his honesty. His crew was a good group of people and he was proud to serve with them. They were not a military group in the least, but the Galactic Transit Corp. had modeled their piloting staff and crews after some of the military standards set by the Senate. As a result, they ran their ships in a similar manner and Lessik was no exception. But when it came down to his crew, he also thought of them as a strange sort of family, a brotherhood of sorts. Nev had been one of his closest friends in the crew and had worked with him for too many years to count. Nev Obser and Wuan Jeswick were his main engineers and he valued their opinions greatly.
He was about to call Jeswick when he noticed the tall Jedi and stern Councilwoman coming up to greet them. They began by stating, "Your crewman, Sordin, said we would find you out here."
"Yes, Master Gallia. We needed to do an external examination as well as internal. How are your initiates?" The Captain expressed his concern for his passengers.
Adi nodded in thanks and replied, "They are all well. Master Tahl and Padawans Siri and Bant were able to secure them during our landing. There were only minor injuries, which we were able to care for easily. How is your crew?"
"Only my co-pilot, Griven has sustained an injury. He is being cared for right now by my medic, Kohnwei." For some reason, Fen did not want to broach the subject of their guest and skirted the issue all together. "It's good to hear that you are all well. I'm afraid we won't be leaving as soon as I would like. We still have some assessments to do, but it appears that we are stuck here for a while."
"Is there anything we can do, Captain?" The diplomatic Councilor offered.
"No, not at the moment Master Jedi. I will let you know if we require any additional assistance." Lessik glanced at the silent Jedi for a moment and he noticed the tense features. Something must be wrong, but I don't think I'll ask him just yet. Just then, another thought struck him, "Maybe there is something you can help with. Would you mind checking out the surrounding area briefly to determine if there is an immediate danger to my crew? All of my hands are working on getting us back in the air and I am concerned for their safety. Your initiates', as well."
Qui-Gon was not pleased with the request, it would delay him from getting back to Obi-Wan, but he read the reproach in Adi's gaze and remained quiet. "Of course, Captain. It's the least we could do." The reserved woman glanced again to her companion and headed off to start the preliminary search.
Lessik and Obser watched the two walk off before making their way to assist with the repairs. The Captain paused once more to stare at the retreating forms. His thoughts careened into each other before pushing them to the back of his mind and concentrating on the task ahead.
**
"Captain, the sensor array has picked up a strong ion trail." Grruun informed his commander, adding, "It wasn't hard to miss with an engine that damaged." The Togorian glanced back at his Captain and could see the drawn features. He quickly added, "I'm sure he was able to land it."
Tuuvu nodded. "Track it and find out where that ship landed. I want to find Obi and get back home as soon as possible."
"Yes, Captain. We'll find him." Grruun watched as his leader turned and left the forward cabin. The younger Togorian was still trying to impress the commander by proving his worth. Having only come aboard the pirate vessel a few months ago, he still had trouble deciphering the chief's mood. Grruun also remembered how Obi-Wan had helped him get adjusted to ship life. Suddenly, the urge to find the kind human filled him and he quickly set himself to the task.
**
A soft moan disturbed the quiet of the room. Slowly, darkness released her hold on the weary consciousness allowing it once again to return to the light. Awareness crept through the sluggish thoughts and a lingering suggestion of the Force still clung to his mind. Somewhere his mind surmised, Qui-Gon. His mental tone venomous, reflecting the contemptible ire that boiled beneath the surface.
Gingerly, a hand came up to rub at his aching head. With the realization that the Force still hovered around his consciousness, Obi-Wan grew steadily angrier. He had spent most of his years away from the Jedi building up his shields to protect him from detection and in worse case scenarios, suggestion. He valued the barricades surrounding his mind and could not believe someone was able to slip past them. It didn't matter that he was so focused on fighting the pain and dizziness to maintain the mental barriers, the fact that he was susceptible to it bothered him greatly.
His hand moved down to check his wounded side and found that there was less pain in the movements. He could also sense the foreign concentration of the Force around the marred tissue. Again he gathered it was Jinn's handiwork and frowned further. Slowly, he opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. When his mind cleared he could feel the other occupant in the room but said nothing to acknowledge her.
Siri had been watching the sleeping form intently, waiting for her chance to speak with him. With every passing moment her desire to question him and voice her thoughts grew steadily. From the moment she saw him stir, she began to hold her breath while she waited for him to wake fully. When his eyes fluttered open, she exhaled and then said, "I remember you now."
At first, Obi-Wan didn't know how to respond. For him, the recollection of her memories only made things worse for him. Sighing, he replied sarcastically, "I'm happy for you. Now leave me alone."
Minute passed as silence claimed the room. Finally, Siri said, "My Master requests that you remain in the cabin."
Absently, he baited her on, "What if I don't? Are you going to throw me in the brig?"
"If I had my way, you would have already been there." The Padawan shifted in her place but never removed her gaze from the prone figure.
Obi-Wan scanned his body to find out how well he was healing. Somewhat pleased with the results, he let his annoyance live in the conversation. "I thought Jedi were the trusting sort. I guess I was wrong." He lay still for a moment thinking about his situation. He asked, "Can I help with the repairs?"
"No."
He was getting steadily more agitated by her curt responses. "Have they even done their assessment yet?"
"They're checking on it." They sat in silence again for some time. Both teenagers were trying to reign in their irritation, and both failing. She had so many questions she wanted answered but didn't know where to begin. Her thoughts were debating over what to say next and what came out surprised her but she did not regret it. "You should have contacted us."
Not answering, Obi-Wan carefully sat up and stared at the blonde young woman that guarded him. Her hard glare and accusatory tone was what he expected upon his return from the dead. Silently, the two battled wills before, Obi-Wan finally said, "What difference would it have made?"
Siri did not move, just remained leaning against the wall across from him with her arms folded in front of her. Narrowing her gaze she answered, "You would have been with the Jedi again."
Shaking his head, Obi-Wan said, "No, I would have been sent off again. Thrown away."
"So you chose to stay with pirates?" The Padawan pushed off from the wall and took a step closer to the brigand. "Did you think that was what the Jedi had trained you for? To rob and destroy?"
Pouncing up to stand off against Siri, Obi-Wan pushed back the slight wave of dizziness that swept through him. "The *Jedi* showed me I was worthless to them when they sent me away. If a group of pirates were willing to take me in, then who cares what you think?"
Never backing down from a battle, Siri moved closer, "Did you strike that bargain when they first boarded your ship? How about slaughtering some of the crew? Did you turn so quickly?"
A flash of the hazy incident burned through his mind, creating a swirl of emotions that encompassed Obi-Wan; pain, rage, regret, despair. "I was taken as a captive at first," he uttered through clenched teeth. "I was dead for a time before I became one of them. It would disgust you to learn what happened to me during that time."
Confusion lit the girl's cerulean eyes, "So they forced you to join them?"
"No!" His voice was hoarse from the raging storm in his soul, "I joined them after Tuuvu saved me."
In all honesty, Siri was curious. She so wanted to understand what had happened in his life that would have made him want to remain 'lost.' "Saved you from what?"
From the pain inflicted upon me by Drrov, when I was nothing but his to punish! From the revolting abyss of rejection that I so willingly fell into! But mostly, from myself! His rampant mind wanted to scream out but rationale and stubborn defiance won and he gave the only answer he could, "Pain." It was a simple, plain answer, but he could see that she understood somehow.
Siri backed up for a moment, as not to get caught up in the infinitesimal abundance of desperation that swelled in the seas. Suddenly, she got the impression that he spoke truthfully and she did not want to know had happened to him. A shiver ran through her and she felt the urge to leave. She knew she tread on grounds beyond a line she should never have crossed. Softly, she said, "I will let them know you are a awake." And with that she turned and hurried out of the room.
Stunned for a moment by the apprentice's abrupt departure, Obi-Wan stared after her. Before he knew what was happening he found himself wandering the halls of the ship. He felt that if he remained in the room any longer the torrent of emotions would have ripped him apart, so he ran. He just didn't want to answer anymore questions right then. He was tired and confused and all he wanted was to drift into darkness and not feel anymore.
Somehow, he managed to find the ship's small Rec Room, which was available for the passengers. His gaze wandered around the room before lighting upon an object that he hoped could help him. Quickly, he crossed the vacant room and shrugged off his coat. For a moment he stood in front of the padded pedestal before striking out with a clenched fist. The blow landed solidly on the synthetic rawhide. And for that instant the dull ache that ran up his arm overpowered the chaos erupting inside of him.
The sensation of pain meeting pain invited him and Obi-Wan struck out in reply to its call. Again the dull ache collided with his internal waves of emotion. Struggling against the undercurrents of his tormented soul, he continued his attack on the unyielding post.
Punching and kicking he lashed out, allowing his emotions to flow from him. His mind wandering through the expanse of his memories, bringing up each event with vivid newness. Every second of his past brought up to taunt and tease the hopes and dreams of one who no longer existed. Anger and rage at the misery that coated his entire being begged for release. And he thrashed out harder to offer them some sort of escape. Escape. It was all Obi-Wan wanted.
To be free of the pain and sorrow; to be free of the emptiness and desolation; to be free of everything that made him who he was. A void. I want to be a void. Nothing. Empty. No more feelings. And the waves of physical pain clashed with his emotional anguish creating that moment of vacuity that he longed for. So he gave himself up to the dance, swinging wildly at the boxing post. Spinning around attacking the inanimate object with all of his might. The fervor of his motions grew steadily in intensity. And the emotions displayed in his sea-change eyes careened from hurt, anger, and pain. Attacking again and again, he let the pole personify everything that had caused him agony. Diligently beating it into submission, forcing it down into the abyss of discommode, he fought the stabbing ache that threatened to rip his heart out.
Desolation and desperation clawed at his distraught countenance, shredding his resolve. And unbeknownst to Obi-Wan, tears traced the lines of his cheeks. His soft skin glistened from his exertion. The silken ginger strands clumped together. His bangs dangled in his face, allowing salty water to sting his eyes. He didn't know how long he was at it, nor did he give a damn. All he wanted was to stop the misery that engulfed him daily amidst the catastrophe that had become his existence. Rip from his mind, the day his dreams were crushed and buried into the ground of hopelessness. The day his life changed forever and created the monster that fleetingly clung to life.
His thirteenth birthday, a day he should have celebrated with his Master and given a special gift. A gift signifying the commitment of a Jedi Master to their Padawan that they would be there for him. Stating they were there to make sure the Apprentice ascends to the honoured rank of Knighthood. The day when Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Hopeful and Initiate was alone while being held captive after a pirate raid, had died. It was also the day when the Jedi were lost to him forever. And now that he was among them again, it revived the torment in his soul tenfold.
If anyone had been watching, they would not have dared to approach the wretched sight before them. The anguished cries of a tortured spirit reverberated through the empty room. Empty like the husk of a boy thrashing out to dull his pain. Tears pouring down the youthful face mixing with the sweat of his labour. But the most frightening of all, was the splash of blood from the torn knuckles of his hands, clashing with the tan textured hide covering the post. Limbs exhausted and numb from the constant abuse, pleaded to cease the subversion, but he didn't care. He wasn't about to let up. He wanted to feel the glorious sensation of nothingness; at least then it didn't hurt anymore.
At last, his fist slid off the punching pedestal due to the light coating of blood, and he fell to the floor, beyond haggard and vacant. His tired arms and legs shook uncontrollably. Obi-Wan rested his head against the bottom of the object of his contempt. But he knew deep down that it was himself he despised so venomously. Finally, giving into the despair desperately wanting to surround him, he wept. Gasping sobs escaped him that he could do nothing to stop. In the middle of his desolation he looked up to the ceiling through blurry blue-green portals and screamed, "Why Force? Why did you punish me?"
His gulping sobs slowly eased to hissing catches of breath. His sense of time had been completely distorted due to his episode, so he had no idea how much time had passed. The trembling of his body also began to calm and his wounded side protested his choice. He moved to appease the tender tissue when he felt a hand softly touch his shoulder.
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Thank you everyone for reading!! : D Please don't forget to review. And I already knew that the end would be a horrible cliffie, but if you really, really, want to you can let me know how bad it was for you. ; ) Let me have it!!
remnants-2011 - Thank you very much! I'm glad you are enjoying it. : D
Ciria - Ahh, my favourite review. ; ) I'm glad you liked the 'tenderness' shown in the last chapter. I hope the emotional rollercoaster was good for because the ride's not over yet. ; ) We have a LONG way to go. Just remember Obi has a number of other people he needs to talk to. The Qui conversation was so easy to write I couldn't believe it. I wish everything else I'm working on could have come so easily. Oh well. I liked a lot of that section. It all just seemed right to me. And I'm glad you liked Tola too. I think we'll be seeing a bit more of some of the young initiates soon. We still have to get off the planet and get back to the Temple. So we'll see what happens between here and there. ] : ) Mwahahahaha. Ah-hem. Sorry. And I have other plans for Obi's situation as well. So hold on and we'll see what I have in store. ; )
Heidi M - I'm glad you're a little torn between the Jedi's reaction and Obi's. I was going for a different dynamic in this story, attempting to show true to life emotions as best I could. I think everyone has a tendency to be a bit selfish when it comes to their emotions and that's what I wanted to convey. As I have written these chapters I have strived to place myself in their minds, and come up with their reactions as best as I could based on what I knew of their characters. I think I have managed to capture some of that in my writing. If I'm wrong please tell me so. And thanks for letting me know. I really appreciate it! : D
grab-ur-lightsaber - I'm happy you are enjoying that site. I have to admit I like it a whole lot. [face_love] As soon as I can get my own website up, I'll let everyone know where you can go for OTA. ; ) As for Qui's conversation, The Force, eh? You never know. ; D BTB, what does TRSJLNJD mean? I'll probably figure it out after I post but please let me know. Thanks. :D
Shan - My co-conspirator on this little venture. I can not express how much I appreciate your input. I really do. ; D I'm glad I could fix that one part and make it more to what you thought. I know it bothered me as well, but you were able to point out what I needed. Thanks. And go ahead and leave as many reviews as you like. After all sometimes you think of something to add or comment on later. And I can't wait for that confrontation, but it also worries me too. I just hope I can pull it off. Thanks.
ashley - Awww, thanks. I really appreciate it. :8} I hope this was just as good.
Ewok Kid - Thank you very much!! : D I like those parts too. And they were great sections to write, too.
Sinister Papaya Fondue - Wow!! :8} Thank You!!! : D I'm flattered.
JCslilangel1425 - Thank you so very much!! :8} I'm really enjoying writing it. Hope the rest keeps you entertained.
Liyanette - Yes, soon. But I don't know when exactly. I'm taking this slowly so that I can really show their thoughts. Hope you don't mind. ; ) Thanks! : )
Artemicion - :8} Awww, Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :8} You are too kind. You don't need to beg. That's my job. I'll strike a deal with you. You review and I'll keep posting. Does that sound reasonable? Let me know. ; )
Death Rider - LOL, I think there might be more mental anguish down the road. Afterall, we haven't even gotten back to the Temple. ] : ) Thanks again!! : D
Culf - Oops, my bad. ; ) I didn't realize you were such an ANAKIN fan! *ducks from swing* I'm just kidding! Han was most definitely the OT hottie of the Series but Ewan can also bring on the charm. Every time he smiles in the beginning of Moulin Rouge I *melt* myself. *sigh* Heck anytime he gives that grin, I fall over. It's so hard to watch SW sometimes because Obi/Ben is just so stern. But I have always liked the character of Obi/Ben long before TPM it's just nice to put a young handsome face to his past. ; ) But , um, I don't think it would be very Jedi like to have a scapegoat if what they do turns sour. But that's just me. I do have an idea of how things might work out, but you'll just have to wait to see what happens. : p
Meggie - Would the puppies like a cat to play with? I'll give them mine if that will make them happy. "Nice puppies, what can I do that will make you like me? I hope this post will tide your master over for a while. And just remember I like dogs. : D" Thanks!!