Why I Fall Apart

fandom: ffx
rating: pg
warnings: angst angst angst - what else do you ever expect from me?
pairing: auron/lulu
notes: for purplette, because her birthday party is tomorrow & I was supposed to write her this pairing for her birthday. Well, I'm stuck with that piece, so here's some precious angst for her instead. It's not something I'd consider my best works, but I think it works okay.

He knew he should've departed this world to reach Farplane a long while ago. A dead man shouldn't journey with the living, but he had promised. He wanted to believe it was just his promise to Jecht and Braska that kept him there.

For a person whose soul should've moved from his body a long time ago, he held far too strong affections for the people he travelled with. Each of them meant something to him, something he couldn't quite define. Whatever it was, it reached far too deep, stinging.

And there was Lulu, whose eyes saw through him and even in his most natural, solid stance, he felt like a crumbling, old statue when she looked at him; it felt like she knew. Certainly she couldn't, but she looked and he felt this connection.

He didn't wish to, but every now and then he found himself admiring her beautiful grace and her calm, collected aura. And those moments when she let her guard down and showed her soft side, he never got a share of her warm affections. A small smile in the corner of her mouth when she glanced at Wakka or a stroke on Yuna's shoulder; he slowly grew to realize she wouldn't ever feel anything but respect and admiration towards him. But he remained strong (inside as well as on the outside, he assured himself) and poised, for his own sake, for Yuna's pilgrimage's sake.

Because dead men didn't love.

They had no reason to adore the living, Auron tried to tell himself, beating his brain about it in the nights. And when Lulu let out one of her rare, deep laughs after Wakka had commented on Tidus' strange attire, Auron didn't hurt. It only stung him, deep into his chest. Disintegration of a thing in his chest that might be his heart.