Chapter 21: Shades of Grey

"When the world and I were young, just yesterday.
Life was such a simple game a child could play.

It was easy then to tell right from wrong
Easy than to tell weak from strong
When a man should stand and fight or just go along

But today there is no day or night
Today there is no dark or light
Today there is no black or white
Only shades of gray." - Shades of Gray(Monkees - Headquarters)

Obi-Wan fought to remain somewhat coherent through the nauseating haze that engulfed him. It had been so long since he had to endure the effects of a Force Collar. And even when he had, years ago, his body was so riddled with pain and his mind delusional he barely noticed its effects. But now when his body was virtually whole, and the loving power flowed through him constantly, being stripped of it almost drowned him in darkness. It was only his desire to see his family escape that kept him from succumbing to its will.

In the distance he could hear the familiar engines power up. Rolling to his side, he peered through half opened lids to watch as the craft slowly lifted from its berth and headed out to open space. Amazingly, he found the strength to smile. His family was safe, for now. It didn't matter anymore what happened to him, they were free. When they had completely vanished from sight, he was willing to submit, but his body had grown accustomed to the emptiness. Still feeling a bit nauseated, his mind gradually comprehended the heated debate around him.

Now that Qui-Gon had guaranteed that the Pirates were out of harm's way, he refocused his attention on the current situation. Turning back, he glared at the Security Official in charge. Storming up to the man, he began, doing his best to keep some semblance of calm, "Official…?"

"Lanthr." The stern man provided.

"Official Lanthr," Qui-Gon began again, "I understand that you would want to follow proper procedures when handling dangerous criminals, however you have been misinformed in this case."

Now that the rage of emotions was fading back into mere memory as civility took over, Er'k Lanthr decided that diplomacy might be his best course of action. "How so? We've already verified the information I have been provided, so I think everything is in order."

Assuming his negotiator stance, his hands gripped his forearms tightly. "Not necessarily. Were you informed that the prisoner has willing turned himself in for prosecution?"

"No." Lanthr shook his head and shrugged.

Captain Lessik had come over to listen to the conversation. He did not approve of the way things were being handled as well. Joining in the crusade, he added, "It's true you know. He willingly traded himself in. To truss him up and bind him so, is a terrible infraction on that pact." Agitated, his hands punctuated his statement.

The security Official glance between them incredulously. "Sirs, I do not entirely understand this compassion for a vicious criminal. I can only go by the facts. Even if he turned himself in, as you say, I would still be forced to follow procedures. We have to maintain order and there is no absolute proof that you can provide that would dictate my actions otherwise. He will remain in our custody until you have acquired sufficient transport back to Coruscant." Giving his final answer, Lanthr was about to turn away and head back to their offices, but an urgent voice stopped.

"Official Lanthr," the Knight called, desperate to get the offending restraint off the rogue. "Do you have any idea what it's like to be choked to a point right before you pass out?" It was the only thing he could think of. If he could gain the man's compassion for the prisoner, he might yield the results he was vying for.

The Security Captain's wrinkled features bordered utter confusion and downright annoyance. "What does that have to do with any of this?"

"It is not a very pleasant experience, I can assure you. But just try to imagine, you have been tied up and someone has placed a collar on you that is so tight it restricts your air. Not enough to kill you and not even enough to cause unconsciousness. But to keep you in a state where you feel as if you cannot obtain a full breath but can still get some air. All you can do is gasp for the tiny wisps to keep you alive and aware. That, in a sense is what has happened to that young man when you placed that abomination around his neck." Qui-Gon searched with his eyes and his senses to see if any of his words had penetrated the man's defenses. He hoped that now the Official might realize the agony he was putting his charge through and relieve him of this discomfort. When he felt no reaction, he requested, "Now I ask you one more time to take that collar off." At the end of his speech, his voice took on an edge sharper than a precision laser cutter.

Er'k Lanthr had been with the OSF for his entire career. And he had seen and heard just about everything. Too often in the early days he had allowed his personal feelings to get the better of his judgement and he paid for it as well. He could not afford to take chances. Looking up at the Republic's authoritarian resolutely, he refused to buckle, not even to a Jedi. "I have told you before, I cannot do that."

Unable to stand silently by, Lessik interjected, "But look what it is doing to him." After hearing what the effects were like, the Captain was even more disturbed by the twisted actions that brought them to this. "To put him through this torture is highly unnecessary when he has come of his own volition. Please remove it."

Lanthr squared his shoulders, pointedly regarded them with hardened yellow eyes and said, "Look, I don't care what the circumstances are that brought him here. I have a job to do and I'm going to do it. If I bend now, I may as well turn my back on all the edicts I have sworn to uphold. It's a matter of duty, and I will do what I am supposed to do."

Qui-Gon had had enough of reasoning. Stepping up to the man so he towered over him, and their noses almost touched, he commanded, "Remove that collar. I will not ask you again." Their wills battle for only a moment when a new voice entered the conversation. One that surprised them all.

"You are correct, Qui-Gon. You will not ask him again. You will stand down now and accept this." Adi Gallia had come to stand next to him.

Stupefied at her order, he merely glanced at her in stunned disbelief. A moment later, he recovered and glared at the Councilor harshly, "Do not pretend that this outrage is justified, Master."

Adi looked into the furrowed features of her crèchemate. Meeting his gaze dead on, she showed him how serious she was. In a tone that offered no room for argument, she said, "Come." Stepping away from the others, Adi regarded the Knight. Quietly, she spoke so that only he could hear, "You are not the only one to ever have been put in one, Qui. Believe me, I do not like this any more than you do. But he is not a Jedi and he is under their rules and regulations. To buck their system would mean we do not respect their laws. The laws of the Republic, which we serve. We are Ambassadors of Peace. And if it were ever perceived that the Jedi were above the law, then we would be facing a turmoil far greater than a single Force Collar."

Visibly, he acquiesced but his eyes still conveyed his adamant refusal to accept this decision. "So we are simply going to allow them to strip him of the last comfort he has? Is that what you are telling me?"

"I am saying that he is strong, he will survive the collar. And it should only be on until we reach Coruscant. There we can have it removed."

"I am glad to see that you can live with his misery, but do not presume that I can. I want that abomination off the instant it will not compromise the Order's neutrality." Pushing past her, he knelt down in front of the rogue. In the few minutes the collar had been in place, the boy's appearance had changed dramatically. His eyes could not settle on a colour, mixing the blues, greens and greys. In addition, they appeared glazed and unfocused, even when Qui-Gon's face came into view. His face looked pale and drawn, making the bruise on his cheek stand out all the more. Obi-Wan looked much younger than his years almost transforming him back into the wayward initiate he remembered. Qui-Gon's heart clenched at the sight. Gently, he addressed the young man, "Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan, I am here for you."

There was no answer, no acknowledgement, no comprehension in his face. In a desperate attempt to stave off some of the effects, Obi-Wan retreated further into himself. Surreptitiously, his mind took in the conflict. But it didn't really matter, he was willingly slipping into the darkness finding comfort in not feeling. Rough hands came to pull the youth up to his feet. In an instant he was torn from his void when his body screamed in agony. He hadn't realized how much he had been relying on the Force to tend and strengthen his injuries. Now with it gone, his punished figure made itself vividly known. Releasing a pained whimper at the harsh movement, Obi-Wan just wished he could lie there for the rest of his life. But it was not to be.

As soon as the sound escaped the rogue, a number of people rushed over to him. Ja Kohnwei pushed past them to quickly examine the youth. Turning back, he glared at Lanthr, "This boy needs medical attention."

"We do not have a medic on duty at the time. And you will be leaving shortly. To have one attend a criminal in such a short amount of time would be useless."

"I don't care what you think, Official. I'm telling you he needs attention." Ja could hear in the background, the Knight trying to sooth the boy with words. "Very well, if you do not think it is worth your people's time, then I will do it myself. Afterall, I am already aware of most of his injuries." Turning back to the prisoner, he consoled, "It'll be alright kid. I'm gonna help you with your pain."

~~~

Curled up into a tight ball, he shivered from fever and pain. All he knew was that he needed help. His mind was befuddled, there had been a raid on the ship, but he couldn't remember much else. Suddenly a shadowy figure came up, towering above. The large being slowly crouched down next to him. He couldn't make out any distinguishable features, almost as if the being was shrouded in darkness. He was soon going to learn that that was not far from the truth. Leaning on one hand, he managed to lift himself off the ground. Scarcely above a whisper, he begged, "p-please, help. hurts."

A feral grin cut through the dark, faint light illuminating the ivory fangs. It was the only thing he could see in the shroud of evil that encompassed him. The black feline-like creature chuckled. "I'll help you with your pain boy," the tone full of mockery. Evil poured off the figure, causing the young boy to press himself back into the wall behind him. In an instant he was assaulted, beaten into an agonizing blackness that represented the beginning of what was to come.

~~~

The place was different, in fact virtually everything was different. It was bright, crowded and not as oppressing as the memory had recalled. He could see the faces in his vision, even if slightly blurred, none bearing the ivory grin of malicious intent. But without his ability to harness the ever-present power of the Force, to keep the nightmares at bay, his mind journeyed quickly to places he dared not tread for years. He realized all too quickly that even though the tone was friendly, the words that were spoken awoke his dormant nightmares. A sob escaped him, and he choked out a pleading, "no." Confused the others watched as a single tear coursed down his cheek.

Qui-Gon and Ja, who were the closest, exchanged worried glances. Cautiously, the Knight looked back at the youth. There was already so much pain he could scarcely bare seeing any more. Thankfully, Obi-Wan had closed his eyes, sealing off the portal that invited others to share his feelings. For a moment, the Jedi had brought up a hand to wipe away the line of moisture but stopped. At first he didn't understand his hesitation, but as he continued to look at the young face, he begun to comprehend. He was afraid. Afraid to face the raw pain and fear that he could sense welling in the boy. To tap into those currents would drain him and he felt to do so would only compromise their situation further. His bias already obvious, to reveal that the young pirate meant more to them than a simple capture could garner unwanted attention. Slowly, his hand disappeared into his sleeves. He would have to bide his time until they were in less conspicuous surroundings. He watched silently, as the guards hauled the youth away.

So stunned at the abrupt change, no one else was able to comfort the rogue before he was taken away. Resigned to the situation, the troupe followed. Qui-Gon walked directly behind the convicted, while the others lingered a few steps behind. Ja moved a little closer to the female Jedi. Whispering to her, he asked, "Will Obi-Wan be alright with that collar on?"

"Only time will tell." Adi didn't bother to look at the Healer, her gaze intently observing the prisoner.

Kohnwei's eyes joining hers, he continued, "I've never seen anything like it before. I've heard about it of course, but to actually witness it." He shivered at the drastic transformation the rogue went through. A defiantly vibrant young man had been reduced to a withering shell with vacant eyes and broken spirit.

"Depending on the individual, the reactions vary. Although, his was one of the worst I have ever seen." Silently, she continued her thought, And it will be discussed at length once I get back with the Council. I believe a certain little Master will have a lot of explaining to do.

Lessik came over now. His emotions evident on his face, he said, "I didn't mean for all this to happen."

"I know, Captain. This was beyond your control. You cannot always predict how events will unfold. As Jedi we understand this concept intimately." Glancing at the elderly man, Adi suggested, "Perhaps it is time we get back to the others. We have to see where we currently stand. Mister Kohnwei please assist Obi-Wan and Master Jinn as best as possible. We will contact you shortly when we are ready to leave."

Nodding, Kohnwei hurried to catch up with the Knight. The others broke off to find their comrades. It did not take the group long to reach the Security Offices. Swiftly, they were led to the confinement cells where the guards holding Obi-Wan deposited him in the middle of a tiny room. The sudden drop elicited another grunt of pain from the youth as he landed on his wounded side. Kohnwei immediately moved to follow them in, but was held back as the guards exited. Helplessly, Kohnwei watched as they activated the energy wall that separated them. "What are you doing? I need to get in there."

Indifferently, the senior of the two stated, "We need to clear it with the Official first."

"Begging pardon but were you not listening before? This discussion already took place. You guys can't spare one of your own so I said I would do it." The sarcasm and anger laced his tone.

"Maybe we didn't make ourselves clear. You can't go in until we get the OK. As I recall after you said that, our Captain never responded one way or another. So you are just going to have to wait."

"You people are ridiculous!" Ja blew up. He was not going to allow this disregard to occur. Glaring at them he said, "Alright, fine. You want to play games so can I. Master Jinn, I will be right back. I have a few words to say to Official Lanthr." With that Ja stormed off to obtain his clearance.

The two guards took up a seat at a near by table. Qui-Gon silently waited until they were all settled. Cautiously, he moved closer to the laser wall his eyes focused on the huddled form in the middle of the room. Obi-Wan's hands were still bound behind his back and the abomination still stifling him. Even from his vantage point on the other side of the cell, Qui-Gon felt similarly bound. He knew he could no longer interfere with what was happening. He had been directly ordered by the Council member to stand down. And as much as he might want to break all the rules, he knew that as a Jedi he must obey the command, for the moment.

But for all his obedience, he could not stop his heart from aching. So long ago, he had felt the joys of having a son, not by blood but by soul. And all the wonders that accompanied 'parenthood' were his to explore. But when he was betrayed by the very being he poured himself into, the gaping wound left behind bittered him to ever experiencing those wonders again. For a long time, no one bothered him about it, allowing him to deal with the betrayal and pain in his own time. Eventually, Yoda approached him, nudging him toward taking on a new Apprentice. At first he assumed the tiny Master was speaking generally, but he soon learned there was an ulterior motive.

Often the name of Obi-Wan Kenobi came up in the list of possible candidates. Not necessarily the first name but usually within the first few. Yoda insisted he had vast potential. Not only to become a great Knight but also to help heal old wounds. His caring nature and desire to help would be most beneficial if Qui-Gon was ever going to let go of his past. But still the wounded Knight refused, unwilling to open himself up to someone else. Denied what his heart had been trying to tell him. His soul desperate to know love again. It was only when it was too late that he finally understood.

Although there was more to it than a simple apprenticeship. Over the course of the past few years, he had seen many potentials but none of them pulled at his soul like Obi-Wan had. During their last meeting together, Qui-Gon could feel his entire being vibrate as if electrified. He knew deep down it was the Force trying to tell him that they were destined to be teacher and student. And still he adamantly refused to listen to its will. When it was too late he mourned the loss. Without realizing the seed of love had been planted, he could not find room to accept any others.

The sweet innocence of youth read clearly in the captivating blue-green depths of Initiate Kenobi. If he recalled correctly, there was much he could see in those eyes. Somewhere being held at bay, there was a playful sparkle that told Qui-Gon the boy was capable of humourous plots. There was compassion and love there as well. But he also saw fear, which he used as his excuse to deny the boy, that was meant to be locked away. Fear of failure. Though he never admitted it to anyone else, it was not Obi-Wan's fear that drove him away, but his own. After the disaster of his previous Padawan, the Knight feared that he would fail the youth. That under his guardianship, Qui-Gon could lead him down a path of darkness.

Slowly, as his mind drifted back from his reverie, Qui realized what a mistake he made. Even with the possible dangers the Jedi face, he knew that they were more than likely minimal compared to what Obi-Wan had faced. There had been pain, that was certain. Body and soul plagued with agony. The Pirate Captain Tuuvu had spoke of such. And these only confirmed the scars that marred young flesh. A wounded spirit confused and longing, now sprawled across a cold floor forced to relive the torment again.

Unknowingly, he took a step forward almost colliding with the energy wall between them. Halting just millimeters away, he felt his heart skip a beat. He wanted to be there for the boy he abandoned so long ago. Wanted to hold and care for what he let slip through his fingers. Wanted to make up for lost time. But all he could do was watch quietly from the edge. And wait. He could only hope that once back on Coruscant he could find a way to make amends. The courts would prove difficult to bypass, but he hoped his friend would help him through it. He would have to contact him as soon as he landed. Dismissing those concerns for the moment, he focused his attention toward the prisoner. Once again allowing his mind to wonder at what horrors the boy lived through.

He didn't know how long he stood there staring, lost in thought, but he knew some time had passed. Ja Kohnwei came storming back in demanding they let him in the cell. Still a little unsure, they commed their commander and received clearance. Annoyed, they headed for the entry. "I hope you know what you're doing," the main guard muttered.

"I've already said I accept full responsibility for my actions. Now open it up so that I can do my job." Finally, they deactivated the field and admitted the medic. As soon as he passed the threshold, they reactivated it, cutting him off from freedom. Nonplussed, Ja made his way over. When he came up beside the rogue he paused. As a healer, there were many things one witnessed throughout life and career. But as a father, you could never truly let go of all the emotions that you feel when dealing with certain situations. And this was one of them for Ja. His heart squeezed as he gazed down on the curled up figure.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that this was someone's little boy. Older than his own by almost a decade, Kohnwei could still imagine how he would feel if this was his child. Slowly anger swelled in him. Pushing it to the back of his mind, he knelt down beside the boy. Gently, he swept the ginger strands hiding Obi-Wan's face away. Automatically, the rogue flinched at the gesture. "It's alright, son. It's alright," he soothed. "I'm here to help." With that he pulled out some bacta strips he acquired from the Security Force's Infirmary.

He was about to roll the young man onto his back, when he realized the binds were still on. Glancing back at the guards who were watching anxiously just beyond the portal, he asked, "There wouldn't be any chance that you would remove those," pointing at the manacles, "would there?" The harsh glares he received were his only answer. Well, it was worth a shot, he thought.

Looking around the scant room, he noticed a thin pillow and blanket on the tiny sleepcouch. He automatically went over to it and pulled them free. Returning to the youth, Ja placed the pillow under his head and rolled the blanked up so that it would prop him up slightly on one side. This would allow him to place the boy mostly on his back with the least discomfort or circulation restriction. He then began to unbutton the mint tunic to check his dressing. During the turmoil on the planet, he did not have sufficient time to really treat the blaster wound completely. He did a quick field dressing and that was it.

To his astonishment, the wound had healed significantly from its original infliction but was still far from completion. Under closer examination, he noticed that some of the worse areas seemed to be seeping. Kohnwei quickly rummaged through the small medical kit he had been provided to get items to cleanse the wound again. As he worked he called over his shoulder, "I'm guessing that your Jedi healing techniques are the reason this looks so much better than it did before?"

Dully, Qui-Gon informed, "Initiates are taught from an early age how to utilize the healing powers of the Force. Although with his connection severed as it is now, I cannot guarantee that it will ever heal properly." From his position, he could not see what Kohnwei was doing, still he watched on.

One thing the Healer could also gather from the response was that Jedi did harbour emotions. The gruffness in the man's tone was echoed by resigned despair. For a brief moment, Ja looked back at the Knight. Sorrow and regret were visible in Qui-Gon's eyes even from this distance. Determination coursed through him, before turning back to the youth, Ja said, "Not while I'm around. The wound's opened again but hopefully these Bacta strips will be able to pick up where the boy left off."

"Undoubtedly, he has been concentrating some of his energy on recuperation since your earlier ministrations. Now…." He stopped unable to fully consider what the youth was going through right now. There was so much pain. Taking a deep breath, he acknowledged, "It will have to be enough for now."

Curious, Ja inquired, "Could you not help him out? I mean, use those Jedi Healing Techniques?"

Sighing, Qui-Gon spoke as if the words were torn from his throat. "No. The collar not only suppresses the bearer's abilities but also others who are attempting to use the Force on them. There are some models that block only one way, but Republic Security keeps Total Suppression Collars on hand. No chances."

With that the conversation died. Kohnwei continued to tend the infliction as best he could. When he finished, he buttoned the tunic back up and stood. Looking down, he thought, I wish I could make him more comfortable. Suddenly the answer came to him and he groaned. In the same instant, his hand smacked his forehead. He couldn't believe his own stupidity. Carefully, he knelt down and wrapped his arms around the boy and gentle tried to haul him to his feet. A soft whimper answered his movements and Obi-Wan's eyes shot open. "It'll only be for a second. I just want to move you to a better spot."

Slowly, he made his way over to the sleepcouch and eased the rogue onto the thin mattress. Once he had him positioned on his good side, Ja hastily went back to retrieve the blanket and pillow. He shook out the blanket with one hand then draped it over the boy. Next he lifted Obi-Wan's head to replace the pillow. As he finished he noticed barely opened eyes watching him.

"Thank you." A shaky soft whisper floated up to his ears. It took him a second to realize that it was the rogue. Since his arrival in the cellblock, Obi-Wan had happily let himself drift off to unconsciousness. Of course some of the dreams that accompanied that he would rather have not had. At one point though he did awaken long enough to realize what was happening before falling back into darkness. But when the Healer moved him, he could no longer remain asleep. The care the man went to was something he wasn't entirely expecting. He knew that Ja didn't have to do any of this but did so any way. He just couldn't let it go unnoticed.

Smiling down at the young man, Ja straightened the blanket. "My pleasure, kid." The smile faded slightly, as he added, "It wasn't meant to be like this. I'm sorry."

Pain and weariness were overpowering his senses, slowly driving away consciousness. And his words began to slur together. "S'ok. I'ma criminal. No need t'apologize."

"And I'm a healer. I don't wish anyone's suffering. Not even yours."

"Thanks. Knew you're one of the good ones." The faintest smile curved his lips.

Returning the gesture, Kohnwei said, "Glad you think so. Now heed my advice and get some rest." Obi-Wan barely nodded then closed his eyes, drifting off into darkness. Kohnwei stood and headed for the doorway. He glared at the guards, "Well, I'm done. Let me out now."

They complied and when he was clear he added, "We told you he wasn't dangerous." But they said nothing in response, simply headed back to their table to relax and chat. Ja turned to the Jedi Knight who stood watching the sleeping youth. Slowly, he walked over to him and whispered, "I'm going to head back to the others now. There's nothing more I can do here. Maybe when we get on board our new transport, but we'll have to see. I'll let them know you're still here and I'll come back when it's time to leave." The Jedi stood silently, Ja wasn't even sure if he heard anything he had said. Sighing, he turned to leave.

"Mister Kohnwei," Qui-Gon's voice still a little rough, "may I ask you a favour?"

"Of course."

"Please ask Master Gallia to wait to speak with the Council until we have resumed our journey, if she has not already done so. I would appreciate the opportunity to be there when Obi-Wan's presence is revealed."

"I will relay the message, Master Jinn." No other words were spoken as the Healer went to meet up with the others. Qui-Gon stood vigil until departure. As he waited, slipped into a light meditation, searching for guidance. Unfortunately, whatever it was he sought danced at the fringe of his abilities, taunting him. He could only hope that the promises he has made, to himself, to Tuuvu, to Obi-Wan(even if he didn't know it yet) he would somehow still manage to fulfil.

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K-Rock – LOL, you crack me up. Poor me, for trying to keep up with the standards I've set myself. :p Sorry, no. I've caught up with everything I had previously written. Now everything I'm posting I'm writing and finishing in the same week. Which will probably drain me pretty good. But I'm dying to get to the end of this particular section of the story. I have plans for Griven but I don't know how they'll turn out exactly. I may end up changing them a bit but we'll see. ;) Believe me I wish I could post daily like I used to when I first started but time constraints and DWB have seen to the end of that. :( And I'm still looking forward to the next part of RH. :D

Fudge – Wow, Thanks!! :D

YLJedi – OMG, Wow. :8} Thank you so very much. My goal was to give you a movie to read, not just a story. I'm so glad that it's working. :D And I hear you on the pity party thing. I wanted him to move on. Yes, it still hurts and there may be a bit of pity wallowing later. But he'll also have the new life to look back on as well. Hopefully, I continue to maintain your opinion of this fic. :)

Starre – Thanks. Um, sorry. And you'll just have to wait to see what happens to Griven. ;)

Kaat ShadowLover – Yeah, it was the Chapter that even I was waiting for! You'll just have to wait and see what will become of all of them. There are still obstacles ahead that they will have to deal with. Then it will be time to debate the real question. ]:) To be or not to be – a Jedi. :p

Nat – LOL, well, I'm glad you were able to catch up. A lots happened and we're still only at the beginning. I feel sorry for you with only dial-up. I'm spoiled now with cable modem! :D And I completely sympathize about needing your fix. I do too. Thanks. I rather like 19 and 20 myself. And Obi has always been one of my fav chars, so I couldn't make him any less the Noble Jedi than he is. ;)

Lighted eagle – That's ok. Whenever you get a moment. I'm always happy to know you're still out there somewhere. :D