Title: Keith and the Country Getaway (almost)
Author: Keith-Starbright-Exists
Genre: General/Comedy
Rating: R
Summary: Keith, Suzi, Becca, Charlotte and Wifery set off on a journey to St John's in the vale but somehow they end up at Hogwarts. Watch out for Charlotte she wants to get around!!!!
Disclaimer: I don't own nothing, not Harry Potter nor Keith Starbright nor Jerry Springer or really anything that is mentioned in this story.
Dedications: I probably wouldn't have done this next part without the nudging and kicking from my friends. If you've got this far then I'm proud of you for sticking with this story and not just turning away and going "Freaks" like the rest of the "sane" population. Thanks, Trev, Wifery, Wifery 2, Becca, Charlotte and maybe Keith lol! On with the mess that some people call a story.
In the hospital wing, Becca and Suzi sit and look around at an array of bodies.
"I think you did well Becca, I mean no one died but still they'll be out of action for a while" says Suzi with an approving nod.
"Thanks Satan, I aim to please" replies Becca
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next week, Charlotte receives an owl from the paper-eating Trevor saying that she wants to come to Hogwarts to see the Muff.
Expecting randiness in the form of Trevor, everyone is on edge, although if you asked one of the poor buggers that are in this story they wouldn't be able to tell you why, neither can I.
Whilst lounging in the common room, the fluffy space racoons come down and ask Snape whether they could fondle his eyebrows. When he refuses they take him back to their evil lair (a garage in suburban London) and use their most torturous weapons on him (a feather duster and a CD player full of Celine Dion's Greatest Hits).
Meanwhile, Dumbledore storms into three other garages before making it to the right one. The fluffy space racoons have gone but Snape lies on the garage floor very stiffly and with a smile on his face.
To get Snape's attention Dumbledore pulls out an illuminous green whistle that makes a high pitched noise that only dogs and gits with feather dusters shoved up their ass can hear. As he blew, Snape looked up and focussed on Dumbledore who was going blue in the face.
As Dumbledore collapsed dead on the floor, Jenny the ape came out from under his cloak.
"Apparently he couldn't handle an ape's touch" said Jenny as she leaped off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once back at Hogwarts, many a child took advantage of Dumbledore's death; among those were Draco, Crabbe and Goyle. They wandered the halls just looking for trouble, children were being hung upside-down whilst viscious mongeese snapped at their hair. A sad sight to see but also a funny one.
New headteachers were supposed to report to McGonagall's office but some got stuck under desks in the potions lab, in secret passageways that had to be sealed off due to a "mass flood" courtesy of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. Even some were found in Trelawney's grasp, being told their future as a chimpanzee's flea shoe maker was going to fail them.
If they couldn't even get to McGonagall's office then how were they supposed to handle a bunch of randy deranged teenagers.
After a slap-up meal in the Great hall (sausage and mash) there came an announcement that the new headteacher had been chosen.
"I hope it's not Malfoy's dad" exclaimed Ginny, "he would make our lives a living…..well no offence to you Suzi but a living hell!" Just then a seven armed monkey came bounding into the Great hall.
"FIGGLYDUCKS!!! What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be living it up with your new wife Carrotena? I mean you stalked her for ages, she's gotta have given in by now!" shouted Suzi giving the monkey a hug.
"Alas no my Lady! I've stalked her and stalked her, my chicken army has cracked down her antelope army many times but she still doesn't seem to notice me!" replied Figglyducks, then she added in a whisper "I'm here to take over Hogwarts as the new headmistress!"
"Wow! A new conquest! Sweet! But wait a mini-mini-mini-momentum I go to Hogwarts now, I can't let you go through with this grrrrrrrr decisions, decisions what should I do? Should I stay here and be as bored as I am when sitting in Mr. Boutledge's English class writing 'Speith and the Munchy Takeaway (nearly)'? or should I set myself new heights, take over the wizarding world, school by school, naaaaaaaaaaaa. Is this a fork I see in front of me? Oh schnitt, I'm rambling Shakespeare again (damn Macbeth!)."
"What is your answer?" says Figglyducks.
"Hold on a momentum, I'll be right back!" says Suzi as she runs out of the Great hall. No longer nor no shorter than a momentum, Suzi is back, with two pans and two spoons?
"Muff! If you'll do the honours please?" the Muff sits in front of the pans, picks up the spoons and makes a sort of drum roll. He stops, Suzi says……………………
"No"
"Okay fair enough" replies Figglyducks, turning away from the Brat pack, this was his biggest mistake, as he turned from them Harry summoned a sword and gave it to Suzi who thrust it straight through the monkey's knee.
"Aaaaaaaah My Achilles knee! How did you know?"
"Kinda obvious since I am the route of all evil! I gotta know these things" replies Suzi. As Ms. Figglyducks dies, the new headteacher is chosen its……….Lupin! The Great hall burst into cheers as this announcement is made!
As the applause calms down, a younger looking Lupin and Sirius Black waltz into the hall (1-2-3-1-2-3). Professor McGonagall looked at the "boys" dissaprovingly and motioned with her eyes for them to stop waltzing. Once they had, McGonagall asked
"What in blazing hell happened here? You look teenage again! Oh My God!!!! Its Sirius Black ruuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn!!!!!!" she said as she ran out of the great hall leaving in her wake some very confused pupils.
Anyway on with the story, a bright shiny purple light came down from the ceiling and two figures (fully clothed thank satan) were thrown onto the cheap linoleum flooring. Its Lily and James! Yayness! Harry stares on in shock as Lupin and Sirius help them up whilst handcuffing Lily and James to each other with fluffy pink and green spotted handcuffs.
As the whole hall goes to their dorms minus our favourite characters, Harry has a mental breakdown because his dead parents are back, Becca becomes catatonic at the thought of not being able to do naughty things with Harry in his mentally unstable state.
Charlotte got an owl saying that she had just got all the money from Dumbledore's death put into her green piggy bank that sat on her bookshelf in her new luxury pad in Tahiti.
"See Ya!" Charlotte shouted as she ran to her new luxury pad (i know its a bit far too run but she's quick), without telling anyone where she was going.
"She's probably going to buy more booze, don't worry, if she ain't back in three years we'll send a search team after her" said Keith to answer all the questioning glances that were being thrown around the room.
"Quick someone catch my questioning glance before it hits someone important!" Sirius shouted as everyone minus Becca and Harry went into catch-the-questioning-glance mode.
They were too late, a green sparkly flash of neon light shone and there stood none other than Jerry Springer.
"Anyone need any help with mental problems that include your mother being a man, your father still wanting your mom or your parents coming back from the dead?" was all that Jerry got out before he was hit with Sirius' questioning glance and knocked onto his bum (oooooooh naughty word). The whole of the brat pack, golden trio friends, marauders wife and Jerry were transported onto the Jerry Springer set.
On the set, a make-shift audience of koala bears and kangaroos were shouting "Jerry! Jerry!" as the Hogwarts kids got their acts together and got ready for a grueling show called "Your parents are dead! Only kidding!".
"Hi, I'm Jerry Springer and welcome to a very special edition of the Jerry Springer show called 'Your parents are dead! Only kidding!' where when Harry Potter was only 1 years old his parents died, now 15 years later they're back, what do you have to say for yourselves Lily and James?"
"Dammit Padfoot did you have to put handcuffs on us right then?" said James whilst scratching his wrist.
"Yes well that was good James, Harry how do you feel about this situation?" asked Jerry.
"Errr well maybe Sirius shouldn't have put handcuffs on them but it does look rather funny" said Harry as he glanced longingly at Becca. Jerry started pulling out his hair.
"I didn't mean that situation you little brat!" shouted Jerry his eyes goin redder and redder as his blood pressure rose.
"Hey! That's our groups name you pompous moose" shouted Wifery as she shook her hair at him, but got distracted by the shiny lights and the cameras and started tap dancing with a koala bear.
"Lets go home kiddies, i've had enough of this git, you love your parents right Harry?" said Suzi as Harry nodded "Well then there's no problemo" Suzi grabs hold of Ron and Hermione's hands, everyone join hands and they all use Suzi's powers to be transported back to the Great Hall.
Lily. James and Remus all decided to go to bed, Luna and Neville decided to go and have fun in a cupboard and Harry, Becca, Wifery, Keith, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Joe and the Muff (now nearly the Fro) all went and sat on the tables to play truth or dare. No one noticed in their excitement of getting some, that a certain dog and devil were sneaking into the prefects bathroom.
After half an hour, Suzi came into the great hall singing the bob song and dancing. As everyone started to wonder what had made her so happy, Jerry Springer came jumping through a portal with his now black eyes and uncombed hair.
"Do you know that black eyes are sooooo passe?" asked Suzi with a look of utter distaste.
"Do you know that i'm going to kill you little girl?" a maliscious smile gracing Jerry's face.
"Number 1. She may be little but she's more powerful than you and Number 2. she is a god you should bow before her!" shouted Becca whilst stamping her feet and chasing after the birdies (I know i'm a nasty person Becca mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha).
"Your time is up Jerry" shouted Harry " no longer shall you taint daytime tv with your filth (no offence to jerry springer fans out there)." Everyone's stomachs growled fiercely and loudly.
"Your stopping us from eating and WE WANT FOOD!!!!" screamed Suzi, the whole ground shaking, a few stars fell down from the sky and one fell on top of Jerry Springer splaying his insides onto the linoleum floor. (Linoleum rocks people!)
Everyone rejoiced in a ritualistic war dance kinda way until some townies walked in screeching in that annoying way that they all do
"Dirty Moshers!"
"Sorry I don't have a watch" said Hermione whilst searching her sleeves. The Brat Pack plus Joe and the Muff tied the townies to tables and made their stomachs implode by starving them of food and drink but injecting them with the minerals their bodies could not survive without. In other words their stomach acids started to digest their stomachs, a slow and painful death.
After doing another ritualistic kinda war dance they realised that their stomach acids would start to dissolve their stomachs if they didn't get food soon.
"Quick we need food!" shouted Ron. Everyone ran to the kitchens, killing a couple of house elves on their way. Food was littered everywhere, soon a food fight came about. Once they had begun to get tired, they all crept to their dorms flicking carrots and spinach out of their hair, hoping that tomorrow would be just as much fun as today..............................
TREVOR WAS ARRIVING TOMORROW OF COURSE IT'S GOING TO BE MORE FUN THAN TODAY!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What crazy things will happen tomorrow? Will Trevor and the Muff get it on? Will Suzi get her own tutu and stop nicking other peoples? Will Becca eat three gallons of pink cheese? Wait with bated breath for the next chapter!
Here's The Bob song make up your own actions!
My name is Bob Bob Bob
My name is Bob Bob Bob
My name is Bob Bob Bob
My name is Bob Bob Bob
My second name's Bob Bob Bob
My second name's Bob Bob Bob
My second name's Bob Bob Bob
My second name's Bob Bob Bob
My third name's Bob Bob Bob
My third name's Bob Bob Bob
My third name's Bob Bob Bob
My third name's Bob Bob Bob
My fourth name's Bob Bob Bob
My fourth name's Bob Bob Bob
My fourth name's Bob Bob Bob
My fourth name's Bob Bob Bob
And if I had another name,
Guess what it would be!
It would be Bob Bob Bob
It would be Bob Bob Bob
It would be Bob Bob Bob
Or Curious Clive.....
Copyright is held by Kat and Suzi!
Ciao
Suzi xxx
Author: Keith-Starbright-Exists
Genre: General/Comedy
Rating: R
Summary: Keith, Suzi, Becca, Charlotte and Wifery set off on a journey to St John's in the vale but somehow they end up at Hogwarts. Watch out for Charlotte she wants to get around!!!!
Disclaimer: I don't own nothing, not Harry Potter nor Keith Starbright nor Jerry Springer or really anything that is mentioned in this story.
Dedications: I probably wouldn't have done this next part without the nudging and kicking from my friends. If you've got this far then I'm proud of you for sticking with this story and not just turning away and going "Freaks" like the rest of the "sane" population. Thanks, Trev, Wifery, Wifery 2, Becca, Charlotte and maybe Keith lol! On with the mess that some people call a story.
In the hospital wing, Becca and Suzi sit and look around at an array of bodies.
"I think you did well Becca, I mean no one died but still they'll be out of action for a while" says Suzi with an approving nod.
"Thanks Satan, I aim to please" replies Becca
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next week, Charlotte receives an owl from the paper-eating Trevor saying that she wants to come to Hogwarts to see the Muff.
Expecting randiness in the form of Trevor, everyone is on edge, although if you asked one of the poor buggers that are in this story they wouldn't be able to tell you why, neither can I.
Whilst lounging in the common room, the fluffy space racoons come down and ask Snape whether they could fondle his eyebrows. When he refuses they take him back to their evil lair (a garage in suburban London) and use their most torturous weapons on him (a feather duster and a CD player full of Celine Dion's Greatest Hits).
Meanwhile, Dumbledore storms into three other garages before making it to the right one. The fluffy space racoons have gone but Snape lies on the garage floor very stiffly and with a smile on his face.
To get Snape's attention Dumbledore pulls out an illuminous green whistle that makes a high pitched noise that only dogs and gits with feather dusters shoved up their ass can hear. As he blew, Snape looked up and focussed on Dumbledore who was going blue in the face.
As Dumbledore collapsed dead on the floor, Jenny the ape came out from under his cloak.
"Apparently he couldn't handle an ape's touch" said Jenny as she leaped off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once back at Hogwarts, many a child took advantage of Dumbledore's death; among those were Draco, Crabbe and Goyle. They wandered the halls just looking for trouble, children were being hung upside-down whilst viscious mongeese snapped at their hair. A sad sight to see but also a funny one.
New headteachers were supposed to report to McGonagall's office but some got stuck under desks in the potions lab, in secret passageways that had to be sealed off due to a "mass flood" courtesy of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. Even some were found in Trelawney's grasp, being told their future as a chimpanzee's flea shoe maker was going to fail them.
If they couldn't even get to McGonagall's office then how were they supposed to handle a bunch of randy deranged teenagers.
After a slap-up meal in the Great hall (sausage and mash) there came an announcement that the new headteacher had been chosen.
"I hope it's not Malfoy's dad" exclaimed Ginny, "he would make our lives a living…..well no offence to you Suzi but a living hell!" Just then a seven armed monkey came bounding into the Great hall.
"FIGGLYDUCKS!!! What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be living it up with your new wife Carrotena? I mean you stalked her for ages, she's gotta have given in by now!" shouted Suzi giving the monkey a hug.
"Alas no my Lady! I've stalked her and stalked her, my chicken army has cracked down her antelope army many times but she still doesn't seem to notice me!" replied Figglyducks, then she added in a whisper "I'm here to take over Hogwarts as the new headmistress!"
"Wow! A new conquest! Sweet! But wait a mini-mini-mini-momentum I go to Hogwarts now, I can't let you go through with this grrrrrrrr decisions, decisions what should I do? Should I stay here and be as bored as I am when sitting in Mr. Boutledge's English class writing 'Speith and the Munchy Takeaway (nearly)'? or should I set myself new heights, take over the wizarding world, school by school, naaaaaaaaaaaa. Is this a fork I see in front of me? Oh schnitt, I'm rambling Shakespeare again (damn Macbeth!)."
"What is your answer?" says Figglyducks.
"Hold on a momentum, I'll be right back!" says Suzi as she runs out of the Great hall. No longer nor no shorter than a momentum, Suzi is back, with two pans and two spoons?
"Muff! If you'll do the honours please?" the Muff sits in front of the pans, picks up the spoons and makes a sort of drum roll. He stops, Suzi says……………………
"No"
"Okay fair enough" replies Figglyducks, turning away from the Brat pack, this was his biggest mistake, as he turned from them Harry summoned a sword and gave it to Suzi who thrust it straight through the monkey's knee.
"Aaaaaaaah My Achilles knee! How did you know?"
"Kinda obvious since I am the route of all evil! I gotta know these things" replies Suzi. As Ms. Figglyducks dies, the new headteacher is chosen its……….Lupin! The Great hall burst into cheers as this announcement is made!
As the applause calms down, a younger looking Lupin and Sirius Black waltz into the hall (1-2-3-1-2-3). Professor McGonagall looked at the "boys" dissaprovingly and motioned with her eyes for them to stop waltzing. Once they had, McGonagall asked
"What in blazing hell happened here? You look teenage again! Oh My God!!!! Its Sirius Black ruuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn!!!!!!" she said as she ran out of the great hall leaving in her wake some very confused pupils.
Anyway on with the story, a bright shiny purple light came down from the ceiling and two figures (fully clothed thank satan) were thrown onto the cheap linoleum flooring. Its Lily and James! Yayness! Harry stares on in shock as Lupin and Sirius help them up whilst handcuffing Lily and James to each other with fluffy pink and green spotted handcuffs.
As the whole hall goes to their dorms minus our favourite characters, Harry has a mental breakdown because his dead parents are back, Becca becomes catatonic at the thought of not being able to do naughty things with Harry in his mentally unstable state.
Charlotte got an owl saying that she had just got all the money from Dumbledore's death put into her green piggy bank that sat on her bookshelf in her new luxury pad in Tahiti.
"See Ya!" Charlotte shouted as she ran to her new luxury pad (i know its a bit far too run but she's quick), without telling anyone where she was going.
"She's probably going to buy more booze, don't worry, if she ain't back in three years we'll send a search team after her" said Keith to answer all the questioning glances that were being thrown around the room.
"Quick someone catch my questioning glance before it hits someone important!" Sirius shouted as everyone minus Becca and Harry went into catch-the-questioning-glance mode.
They were too late, a green sparkly flash of neon light shone and there stood none other than Jerry Springer.
"Anyone need any help with mental problems that include your mother being a man, your father still wanting your mom or your parents coming back from the dead?" was all that Jerry got out before he was hit with Sirius' questioning glance and knocked onto his bum (oooooooh naughty word). The whole of the brat pack, golden trio friends, marauders wife and Jerry were transported onto the Jerry Springer set.
On the set, a make-shift audience of koala bears and kangaroos were shouting "Jerry! Jerry!" as the Hogwarts kids got their acts together and got ready for a grueling show called "Your parents are dead! Only kidding!".
"Hi, I'm Jerry Springer and welcome to a very special edition of the Jerry Springer show called 'Your parents are dead! Only kidding!' where when Harry Potter was only 1 years old his parents died, now 15 years later they're back, what do you have to say for yourselves Lily and James?"
"Dammit Padfoot did you have to put handcuffs on us right then?" said James whilst scratching his wrist.
"Yes well that was good James, Harry how do you feel about this situation?" asked Jerry.
"Errr well maybe Sirius shouldn't have put handcuffs on them but it does look rather funny" said Harry as he glanced longingly at Becca. Jerry started pulling out his hair.
"I didn't mean that situation you little brat!" shouted Jerry his eyes goin redder and redder as his blood pressure rose.
"Hey! That's our groups name you pompous moose" shouted Wifery as she shook her hair at him, but got distracted by the shiny lights and the cameras and started tap dancing with a koala bear.
"Lets go home kiddies, i've had enough of this git, you love your parents right Harry?" said Suzi as Harry nodded "Well then there's no problemo" Suzi grabs hold of Ron and Hermione's hands, everyone join hands and they all use Suzi's powers to be transported back to the Great Hall.
Lily. James and Remus all decided to go to bed, Luna and Neville decided to go and have fun in a cupboard and Harry, Becca, Wifery, Keith, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Joe and the Muff (now nearly the Fro) all went and sat on the tables to play truth or dare. No one noticed in their excitement of getting some, that a certain dog and devil were sneaking into the prefects bathroom.
After half an hour, Suzi came into the great hall singing the bob song and dancing. As everyone started to wonder what had made her so happy, Jerry Springer came jumping through a portal with his now black eyes and uncombed hair.
"Do you know that black eyes are sooooo passe?" asked Suzi with a look of utter distaste.
"Do you know that i'm going to kill you little girl?" a maliscious smile gracing Jerry's face.
"Number 1. She may be little but she's more powerful than you and Number 2. she is a god you should bow before her!" shouted Becca whilst stamping her feet and chasing after the birdies (I know i'm a nasty person Becca mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha).
"Your time is up Jerry" shouted Harry " no longer shall you taint daytime tv with your filth (no offence to jerry springer fans out there)." Everyone's stomachs growled fiercely and loudly.
"Your stopping us from eating and WE WANT FOOD!!!!" screamed Suzi, the whole ground shaking, a few stars fell down from the sky and one fell on top of Jerry Springer splaying his insides onto the linoleum floor. (Linoleum rocks people!)
Everyone rejoiced in a ritualistic war dance kinda way until some townies walked in screeching in that annoying way that they all do
"Dirty Moshers!"
"Sorry I don't have a watch" said Hermione whilst searching her sleeves. The Brat Pack plus Joe and the Muff tied the townies to tables and made their stomachs implode by starving them of food and drink but injecting them with the minerals their bodies could not survive without. In other words their stomach acids started to digest their stomachs, a slow and painful death.
After doing another ritualistic kinda war dance they realised that their stomach acids would start to dissolve their stomachs if they didn't get food soon.
"Quick we need food!" shouted Ron. Everyone ran to the kitchens, killing a couple of house elves on their way. Food was littered everywhere, soon a food fight came about. Once they had begun to get tired, they all crept to their dorms flicking carrots and spinach out of their hair, hoping that tomorrow would be just as much fun as today..............................
TREVOR WAS ARRIVING TOMORROW OF COURSE IT'S GOING TO BE MORE FUN THAN TODAY!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What crazy things will happen tomorrow? Will Trevor and the Muff get it on? Will Suzi get her own tutu and stop nicking other peoples? Will Becca eat three gallons of pink cheese? Wait with bated breath for the next chapter!
Here's The Bob song make up your own actions!
My name is Bob Bob Bob
My name is Bob Bob Bob
My name is Bob Bob Bob
My name is Bob Bob Bob
My second name's Bob Bob Bob
My second name's Bob Bob Bob
My second name's Bob Bob Bob
My second name's Bob Bob Bob
My third name's Bob Bob Bob
My third name's Bob Bob Bob
My third name's Bob Bob Bob
My third name's Bob Bob Bob
My fourth name's Bob Bob Bob
My fourth name's Bob Bob Bob
My fourth name's Bob Bob Bob
My fourth name's Bob Bob Bob
And if I had another name,
Guess what it would be!
It would be Bob Bob Bob
It would be Bob Bob Bob
It would be Bob Bob Bob
Or Curious Clive.....
Copyright is held by Kat and Suzi!
Ciao
Suzi xxx