Keith and the Country Getaway (almost)
Chapter 4: What the Hell is going on?
Author: Freddy's-Life (aka Suzi's deputy)
Genre: General/Humour
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing at all in this chapter except for Becca. The slightly strange plot is mine, I think, but don't hold me to it. Suzi I couldn't have done it without you, I love you Charlotte! Trevor, I would apologise, but you asked me to do it. I love you all. This is a Harry Potter fan fiction, just to be clear, but it could probably fit into loads of different categories if you tried hard enough.
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It was late at night when Trevor arrived. She had flown in on an old broomstick that she found in her mum's cupboard. She landed in the astronomy tower where she was met by Becca, Suzi and Harry. Becca and Suzi ran up to Trevor and hugged her while Harry stood at the back looking confused. Becca, Suzi and Harry took Trevor to the Gryffindor common room where everyone else was waiting.
"TREVOR!" shouted Charlotte.
The blonde ran up and hugged Trevor. Greg, complete with his grown back muff, retreated to the corner. Becca, who noticed, began to laugh hysterically until Suzi slapped her. Just then, Wifery walked in.
"Hi," she said.
"Hi," replied the brat pack.
Trevor headed across the room to where Greg was hiding in the corner. The ever observant and curious Becca watched Trevor go, but screamed when she realised what was happening. She ran out of the room, closely followed by Suzi, who had also noticed Trevor's idea.
So, Suzi and Becca wandered aimlessly through Hogwarts castle, occasionally poking each other's arms. Eventually they got tired, so they sat down on the third floor corridor and leant against the wall. While they were talking about monkeys, Leo from Charmed orbed in.
"Have you seen Piper?" he asked.
Suzi and Becca looked at him blankly.
"Erm, Leo," said Becca. "I think you're in the wrong story."
Leo looked at the two girls for a moment, then he realised he didn't know them, so he orbed out.
"That was weird," said Suzi.
"Yup," said Becca. "Definitely weird."
Suzi and Becca stood up and began to wander around again. They managed to get hold of some firewhiskey and began to drink. After getting quite drunk, Suzi saw four brightly coloured creatures heading their way.
"Becca," said Suzi. "I think I'm hallucinating."
She pointed down the corridor to where the coloured things were.
"No," said Becca. "It's just the Teletubbies."
Suzi looked at Becca for a minute.
"Why are the Teletubbies at Hogwarts?" asked Suzi.
"I have no idea," said Becca. "Do you think they're evil?"
"I don't know," said Suzi. "But we should get out of here."
So Suzi and Becca set off down the other corridor, where they ran into Keith and Charlotte.
"There you are," said Charlotte.
"We've been looking everywhere for you," said Keith.
"The teletubbies are here," said Suzi.
"We only just got away," said Becca.
Keith and Charlotte looked puzzled. Becca and Suzi heard a noise behind them.
"Eh oh!" said Laa Laa.
Becca, Suzi, Keith and Charlotte sprinted away. Five corridors later the four members of the brat pack stopped to catch their breath. Footsteps signalled the arrival of Harry and Ron.
"You have to see this," said Harry.
"What?" asked Suzi.
"Come with us," said Ron.
So Becca, Suzi, Charlotte and Keith followed Harry and Ron further down the corridor. Harry pushed open a door and the six went inside.
"Oh shit," said Suzi.
"Something weird is going on here," said Becca.
They were standing face to face with Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Princess Leia.
"Why are you here?" asked Suzi.
"I don't know," said Luke. "One minute we were running to the Millennium Falcon and then we were here."
"Oh," said Becca. "First it was Leo, then the Teletubbies and now you guys, something is not right."
"I wonder who'll be next," said Charlotte.
"I don't want to wait to find out," said Keith. "I'm going to find Ginny and Hermione, to see if they have a solution to this little problem."
Keith left the room, but his spot was soon filled by four Teletubbies who looked suspiciously innocent.
"I think we need to get everyone here," said Becca.
"Everyone who has appeared from another story?" asked Suzi.
"Yeah, exactly," said Becca.
"Leo!" shouted Suzi.
Leo orbed in.
"What is it?" asked Leo. "Have you found Piper?"
"Er, no," said Becca. "It's just something weird is going on, because loads of different stories are getting merged together."
"So we need to get everyone here so we can fix this," said Suzi.
"Charlotte, Harry and Ron," said Becca. "Will you go and see if you can find anyone else who has mysteriously appeared?"
"Yeah," said Harry.
Harry, Ron and Charlotte left the room. Becca and Suzi gathered up all the people from other stories.
"I wonder why they've all ended up here," said Becca.
"Maybe it's because they're all looking for something that's here it at Hogwarts," said Suzi. "Leo is looking for Piper, the Star Wars guys are looking for their ship and the Teletubbies are probably looking for Tinky Winky's bag or something."
"You could be right," said Becca. "All we need to do is find what they're looking for and then they'll go away."
Harry entered the room closely followed by Monica from Friends. Becca groaned loudly.
"What are you looking for, Monica?" asked Suzi.
"Chandler," said Monica.
"See," said Suzi. "I was right."
Keith, Ginny and Hermione came through the door.
"Oh," said Hermione. "What the hell is going on?"
"We have a theory," said Becca. "But we'll need your help to prove it."
"We need to split up all around the castle, except these guys here, and we need to look for Piper from Charmed, Chandler from Friends, Tinky Winky's bag from Teletubbies and the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars," said Suzi.
"Ok," said Ginny. "We're on it."
Keith, Ginny and Hermione set off again. Ron and Charlotte returned.
"We just found Frodo," said Ron, moving aside to let the hobbit through.
"Let me guess," said Becca. "You're looking for the ring?"
"Yeah," said Frodo.
He went and stood with the other people from different stories.
"This is getting out of hand," said Becca.
"I know," said Suzi.
"Harry, Ron and Charlotte," said Becca. "Will you go and look for Piper, Tinky Winky's bag, the Millennium Falcon, Chandler and Frodo's ring?"
"Yeah, sure," said Harry.
"Ok," said Ron.
"Do I have to?" moaned Charlotte.
"No," said Suzi. "You can stay with us. Oh, Harry, will you tell Wifery, Trevor, Greg Slater and Joe Taylor to come and help us."
"Where will they be?" asked Harry.
"Gryffindor tower," said Becca.
"Ok, no problem," said Harry. Harry and Ron set off.
"So, what do we do now?" asked Suzi.
"We wait," said Becca. "To see what the others can find."
Suzi nodded.
Elsewhere in the castle:
Harry walked down the long lonely corridor after enlisting the help of the remaining member of the brat pack and the three others. He walked slowly with his wand (his magic one not the other one) out in front of him. He could hear footsteps coming towards him. He turned and saw a young woman. She through out her hands as though trying to cast a spell.
"Ah," he said. "You must be Piper."
"Why didn't you freeze?" asked Piper.
"I'm a good wizard," said Harry. "And your powers may not work here. This is a different kind of magic to what you're used to. Anyway, how did you get here?"
"I'm not sure," said Piper. "I was at home, looking through the Book of Shadows, when I ended up here."
"Oh," said Harry. "Some guy called Leo is here looking for you. Becca and Suzi will be glad that I found you, he's been driving them crazy."
Another place in the castle:
"Are you lost?" said Ginny.
There was a man walking slowly through the corridor. He turned around when he heard her speak.
"Yeah," the man said. "I'm Chandler."
"Excellent," said Ginny. "So, how did you get here?"
"I have no idea," said Chandler. "I was leaving Central Perk, so I opened the door and I ended up here."
"That's weird," said Ginny. "I'm Ginny by the way, and someone called Monica is looking for you."
"Monica's here?" said Chandler.
"Yeah. Loads of people from other stories have been turning up here," said Ginny. "Suzi and Becca have a theory about why, but we've all been sent to find you."
"Oh, and Suzi and Becca are?" said Chandler.
"They're in the brat pack," said Ginny.
Chandler looked puzzled.
"Don't ask," said Ginny.
Chandler and Ginny set off back to meet the others.
Yet another place in the castle:
"Well, that definitely shouldn't be here," said Wifery.
She had gone to the Library where she had found a red bag sitting on a shelf.
"How the hell did you get here?" she muttered to the bag.
She picked it up and looked inside. It was empty.
"Dammit!" she said. "I was kinda hoping that Frodo's ring would be in there. Ah, well. I'd better get this back to the Teletubbies."
Wifery set off away from the Library, hoping that she would be able to find the room where Suzi was waiting.
A different place in the castle:
"Oh," said Trevor. "It's so shiny."
"Yeah," said Greg.
"Let's steal it," said Joe.
"No," said Trevor. "We can't steal the ring, tempting as it is. It belongs to Frodo. Charlotte will love it though. Look at the shininess."
Trevor, Greg and Joe stared at the ring for a while.
"Oh, God!" said Hermione, coming across the three weirdos. "It's turning them evil."
Hermione pulled out her wand.
"Accio ring!" she shouted.
The ring flew into her hand.
"Hey!" shouted Trevor.
"That wasn't nice!" said Joe.
"Kill her!" said Greg.
Trevor, Joe and Greg pounced on Hermione squashing her into the floor. Trevor stole the ring back and ran away with it, closely followed by Joe and Greg.
"Oh no," said Hermione.
She ran off to tell the others about what happened.
Another different place in the castle:
"Who are you?" said Ron.
There was a strange person wandering through the corridor.
"I'm the devil," said the stranger.
"The devil?" said Ron sceptically. "Are you male or female?"
"Male of course," said the devil.
"Ok," said Ron. "So, this is confusing. We now have two devils. Suzi is not going to be happy. Come with me."
Ron and the devil set off towards the room where Suzi and Becca were looking after the others.
Back in the classroom:
"Becca, Suzi," said Harry. "I found Piper."
Harry let Piper come into the room.
"Oh, thank God," said Becca. "Maybe he'll shut up now."
She pointed at Leo.
"Leo?" said Piper, looking at the annoying one.
"Piper?" said Leo.
He ran up and hugged her.
"Where the hell have you been?" he asked.
"Ok, people," said Suzi. "Reunions later. We still have people to find."
"Harry, will you go and..." said Becca.
Ginny entered the room closely followed by Chandler.
"Oh my God, Chandler," said Monica.
She ran up to her husband and kissed him.
"Well done, Ginny," said Harry.
"Thanks," said Ginny. "You found Piper, I take it?"
"Yeah," said Harry. "It wasn't hard."
Wifery came through the door and closed it with a bang.
"Which of you lost a bag?" she asked.
Tinky Winky said something in Teletubby language.
"That would be Tinky Winky's," said Becca.
Suzi took the back from Wifery and gave it to the large purple teletubby.
"Seriously," she said. "A bag?"
"What's left?" asked Charlotte.
"Frodo's ring," said Harry.
"They've stolen it," said Hermione, entering.
"Who?" asked Becca.
"Trevor, Greg and Joe," said Hermione.
"Shit!" said Suzi.
"It's turned them evil," said Hermione.
Suzi and Becca looked at each other. That wasn't good. Suzi and Becca would have laughed if the situation wasn't so serious.
"So, we have three teenagers running around the school with a powerful ring that has turned them evil," said Becca.
"It gets worse," said Ron appearing in the doorway.
Everyone turned to look at the male red head.
"This is the devil," he said, allowing the devil to enter.
"Hang on a minute," said Suzi looking angry.
Becca and Suzi walked towards the devil.
"You cannot be the devil," said Becca. "Suzi is Satan, the devil, ruler of hell whatever you want to call it."
"You lie," said the devil.
Suzi sighed and pulled an enormous sword out of her pocket. She stabbed the devil and killed him.
"What a shame," said Becca sarcastically. "Well done, Suzi."
"That was too easy," said Suzi.
Becca, Suzi and Ron returned to the rest of the group. Becca looked around to see who was missing.
"Ok," she said. "We're going to have to split into groups to find Trevor, Greg and Joe."
Keith opened the door and entered.
"So, Hermione and Ron, will you take Monica and Chandler to the dungeons to search?"
Ron and Hermione nodded.
"Keith, Ginny and Wifery, go and search the common rooms and first three floors with the Teletubbies. Charlotte and Frodo go and search the top 4 floors. Harry take Luke, Leia and Han into the grounds, and me and Suzi will go into the forbidden forest with Leo and Piper."
Everybody set off. Suzi, Becca, Piper and Leo walked past Hagrid's and entered the forest.
"It's pretty dark in here," said Becca. "Cool."
They continued walking through the forest.
"Do you think Grawp'll be here?" said Suzi.
"Who's Grawp?" asked Piper.
"A giant," said Suzi.
"I've never seen a giant before," said Piper. "Demons, warlocks, evil wizards, angels yes, but no giants."
"Right, ok," said Suzi. "So what do you think, Becca?"
"He's probably still here," said Becca. "It's Aragog that I don't want to meet though."
"Who's Aragog?" asked Leo.
"Don't ask," said Becca.
The four wandered on with Leo constantly breaking branches and Piper getting mad at him. Becca and Suzi found a dead unicorn. They decided that they needed Harry, so they sent a message to Ginny, telling her to take over Harry's group and tell him to meet them at the forest entrance. Five minutes later Becca, Suzi, Piper and Leo met Harry just outside Hagrid's.
"What is it, Becca?" asked Harry.
"We found a dead unicorn," said Becca.
"But we don't know what killed it," said Suzi. "And we think there might be more. We figured you'd be able to help us."
"Erm, sure," said Harry.
The five people set off through the forest. Becca and Harry began to discuss the plot of the one-legged space chickens. Suzi led the way.
"I just saw a dinosaur," she said suddenly.
"The dinosaurs are dead," said Piper.
"No," said Suzi. "I just saw one."
"I believe you," said Becca. "I believe in the dinosaur."
"You two are strange," said Harry.
"We know," said Suzi.
"That's why you love us," grinned Becca.
Suzi, Becca and Harry laughed. Leo and Piper looked at them blankly. They carried on walking. Becca, Harry, Leo and Piper looked for the dead unicorn, but Suzi was trying to find her dinosaur. For a moment Becca and Harry briefly forgot the seriousness of the situation and snogged. Suzi coughed loudly so they stopped.
"Where do you think Trevor, Greg and Joe will be?" asked Harry.
"They could be anywhere," said Suzi.
"Why did you bring us?" asked Piper.
"Because we are not leaving you alone to get lost in the castle," said Suzi.
"Also, your powers may work once we are far enough from the wards surrounding Hogwarts," said Becca.
"Ok," said Piper.
Then she screamed. Dave the monkey had arrived. Leo and Piper backed slowly away from Dave, but Becca, Suzi and Harry stood their ground. Harry put a tickling charm on Dave then Becca pegged him to the ground. Suzi called him nasty names then they walked away laughing. Leo and Piper followed them quickly.
After wandering very deep into the forbidden forest, well away from the safety of Hogwarts, Suzi, Becca, Harry, Leo and Piper came across a wardrobe propped up against a mahogany oak tree. They had a short discussion and decided that they should look inside it. Becca opened the door.
"There's a load of coats," she said.
"Go in," said Harry.
"No, don't," said Leo. "It could be dangerous."
Becca rolled her eyes and climbed into the wardrobe. She pushed the coats outside and stepped out into the cold snow world.
"Well, this is weird," she said.
"What?" said Suzi from the other side.
"Come through," said Becca.
Leo, Piper, Suzi and Harry clambered through after Becca.
"I think we're in Narnia," Becca said after a moment's pause. "Trevor, Greg and Joe have left footprints in the snow."
"I never knew there was a doorway in the forest," said Harry.
"You've never been in this deep," said Suzi.
"Ok, we need to check powers," said Becca. "Leo try orbing over there."
She pointed to a tree. Leo orbed.
"Excellent. Piper, try freezing Leo," said Becca.
Piper froze him, then unfroze him.
"Oh my God, it worked," said Piper.
"Good, now Harry. Try summoning Leo," said Becca.
Harry summoned Leo and he shot back to the others. Becca and Suzi made sure that their hidden swords and pegs were in place.
"So," said Leo. "Does anyone know what we're likely to find in Narnia?"
Becca and Suzi looked at each other.
"It's seven years since I read the book," said Becca. "All I remember is the fawns, the snow queen and Aslan."
"Who's Aslan?" asked Piper.
"A lion," said Suzi.
"And the Snow Queen?" asked Harry.
"An evil witch," said Becca. "With the power to turn things to ice... I think."
"That's not good," said Leo. "Is it?"
"Er, no," said Becca. "Especially with Trevor, Greg and Joe turning evil. They'll be willing to work for the Queen, and she'll be only too glad to use them."
"At least there's no Voldemort," said Harry.
"True," said Suzi.
"But at least with Voldemort we knew exactly what we were up against," said Becca.
"With the power to freeze, Piper should be able to take her on then, right?" said Leo. "I mean, that is the evil version of her power."
"Don't talk about that," said Piper.
"I'm not so sure it'll work," said Harry. "This is an unknown realm. Her magic could be more powerful than anything we've seen."
"I know," said Becca. "But we can't stand around here all day. We have to find Trevor, Greg, Joe and the ring, before it's too late."
The others nodded in agreement and they set off across the snow covered land of Narnia, the eternal winter. They had only been walking for a short while when Suzi realised they were being followed. They turned to see the unmistakable red hair of Ginny Weasley along with Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia.
"What the hell is going on?" asked Suzi.
"We found a wardrobe at the back of the castle," said Ginny. "We followed the footprints from the exit."
"I don't get it," said Harry. "The wardrobe we came through was deep in the forbidden forest."
"Maybe all the wardrobes lead to the same place," said Piper.
"Like they're al part of the same portal," said Leo.
"Or maybe the gateway moves," said Becca. "It may be moving around Hogwarts to bring us all here."
"Are you saying that someone, somewhere wants us all here? In Narnia?" said Harry.
"Yeah," said Becca. "I just don't know why."
Becca, Harry, Suzi and Ginny looked at each other.
"Voldemort?" suggested Harry.
"We killed him," said Ginny.
"He's only concerned with what's in your realm," said Becca. "There are people here from different times, and different dimensions."
"Do you guys have any gun with you?" Suzi asked the people from Star Wars.
"Blasters, yeah," said Han. "And Luke's got his light sabre."
"Ok, good," said Becca. "You may be needing them. And Ginny, is your wand working?"
"Yeah," said Ginny. "I tested it before."
Harry sighed loudly.
"What the hell is going on here?" he said.
"There's a great evil working against us," said Leo. "It's brought us all together for a reason. Probably to kill us off together, leave the pathway for evil clear."
"You're a little ray of sunshine aren't you," said Ginny.
"This doesn't make any sense," said Becca. "Suzi is Satan. The source of all that is evil, how can she – we, be the protectors of good."
"It could be a rebellious evil," said Leo. "A faction of spirits wanting to overthrow Satan, and the good of the world, and fill it with their own brand of evil. A powerful evil."
"But even so, why bring us here?" said Suzi.
"This is Narnia," said Leo.
"The land of eternal winter," said Becca. "Fire evil, like Suzi, is powerless here, unless we can find a way to channel the fire."
"I don't know how," said Suzi.
Suzi, Becca, Harry, Ginny, Luke, Leia, Piper, Leo and Han set off across the snow desert once again. On their journey they encountered nothing but each other, saw nothing but each other and heard nothing but each other. They had left wide tracks in the snow and continued to follow the footprints left by Trevor, Joe and Greg. As they reached a tree in their path they noticed two people standing by it. It was Charlotte and Frodo.
"Hi," said Charlotte running up to hug Suzi and Becca. "How did you guys get here?"
"Through a wardrobe," said Suzi.
"Just like us," said Charlotte. "It was in the Divination classroom."
"Forbidden forest," said Becca.
"Back of Hogwarts," said Ginny.
"We were wondering when we'd meet someone else," said Harry.
"Charlotte, have you gone any booze with you?" asked Suzi.
"Yeah," said Charlotte. "Why?"
"It might come in useful," said Becca.
Frodo told everyone that he had a sword with him. Harry noticed that the footprints in the snow looked fresher than before. Luke suggested that they were getting close. They set off again following the footprints until they reached a cave. Charlotte started to jump up and down.
"Ooo! A cave!" she squealed.
Becca and Suzi laughed while the others looked at Charlotte strangely.
"Has she hit her head?" asked Leia.
"No," said Becca. "She's just like this sometimes."
"She's not lying down on the floor, yet," said Suzi. "So don't worry."
"I'm not even going to ask," said Leo.
"That's probably a good idea," said Piper.
It was decided that Trevor, Greg and Joe must be inside the cave. Luke and Leo were a bit worried because they didn't know what else was in there, but the others ignored them. Becca led the way into the cave with Harry and Suzi close behind her. So Becca, Harry, Suzi, Charlotte, Ginny, Leia, Piper, Frodo, Han, Leo and Luke crept in single file through the dark cave. Harry held magic flames in his hand to help light the way. Becca and Suzi wondered why nobody else had arrived. They hoped that Keith and Wifery were alright. Ginny shivered. It was very cold in the cave and they were now a long way in. From somewhere not far ahead they heard someone cackle.
"Did you hear that?" whispered Piper.
"Yes, I heard it," said Suzi.
"What was it?" whispered Han.
"I don't know," said Harry.
"I think it was the Snow Queen," said Becca.
"In a cave?" said Ginny in a loud whisper. "What happened to the castle made of ice?"
Suddenly there was a high pitched scream coming from the same direction as the cackle.
"Wifery!" exclaimed Becca, Suzi and Charlotte.
"We have to help her," said Suzi.
She turned and set off again.
"Wait!" said Ginny. "If that was Wifery, then what's happened to Keith?"
Becca and Suzi looked at each other uneasily.
"We have to save them!" repeated Suzi. "Anything could have happened."
"Then let's go," said Becca. "Weapons out, just in case."
She and Suzi drew their swords and pegs. The others did the same with their various weapons. Harry blew out the flames in his hand and they were plunged into darkness. Everybody joined hands so they wouldn't get lost; Suzi and Becca, Becca and harry, Harry and Ginny, Ginny and Han, Han and Leia, Leia and Luke, Luke and Charlotte, Charlotte and Frodo, Frodo and Piper, Piper and Leo. They continued off down the cave to where they heard Wifery scream. They could see a flickering blue light ahead of them and Suzi realised that they must be close. They started to walk faster. Finally they reached a glistening ice room. Suzi spotted Wifery being hugged by a giant iguana in a pink tutu.
"Piper," said Suzi. "Freeze the iguana."
Piper did and Wifery was free. She ran up to Suzi and hugged her.
"Where's Keith?" asked Ginny.
"The Snow Queen took him somewhere," said Wifery.
"Oh God!" said Becca. "We'd better hurry and get there before he rapes her."
"Rapes her?" said Luke blankly.
"Don't ask," said Piper.
Everyone set off running to an ice chamber at the other side of the room. Suzi and Wifery decided to look around for Trevor, Greg and Joe with Han, Charlotte, Luke, Frodo and Leia. So Harry, Becca, Ginny, Leo and Piper climbed through a small hole into the ice chamber to try and find Keith. They all slipped over on the ice, so Harry conjured five pairs of ice skates. They all put them on.
"Thanks," said Becca.
Harry, Piper, Ginny, Becca and Leo skated across a large ice lake until they came to a doorway. Ginny led the way through. Keith and the Snow Queen were lying unconscious on the floor.
"Leo and Piper," said Becca. "Take Keith and orb to the cave entrance. Heal him and we'll meet you there."
Leo took hold of Keith's arm and wrapped his other arm around Piper. Then they orbed out.
"Harry," continued Becca. "Do you think you can levitate the Snow Queen out?"
"Sure," said Harry.
He pointed his wand at the Snow Queen and said 'mobilicorpus'. The Snow Queen levitated and Harry, Becca and Ginny skated out.
Meanwhile:
Back in the ice room, Suzi, Wifery, Luke, Frodo, Leia, Charlotte and Han were discussing a plan to free Trevor, Greg and Joe. They had already found four iced over Teletubbies in the corner, but they couldn't free them.
"What if we melt Narnia?" said Suzi.
"How can we melt a whole world?" said Han. "Your fire is powerless here."
"I don't know yet," said Suzi. "But if we did melt Narnia we'd find Trevor, Greg and Joe."
"Why do you think that?" said Wifery.
"Because I think I found them buried deep in the ice under this room," said Suzi.
"I guess it would work," said Leia. "All you need is a way to channel your fire and melt Narnia."
"Becca," said Charlotte.
"Becca can't melt a whole world," said Wifery.
"I know," said Charlotte. "But what would Becca suggest?"
Suzi suddenly realised what Charlotte meant and cursed herself for acting so blonde.
"Of course!" said Suzi.
"What?" said Luke.
"A volcano," said Suzi.
"We can't just command a volcano to erupt," said Leia. "That's impossible."
"There may be a spell to do it," said Charlotte.
"Frodo can help," said Wifery. "He can help us find a volcano."
"I don't get it," said Luke. "You're gonna try and force a mountain to just spew out molten lava. How is that gonna work?"
At that moment Becca, Harry, Ginny and the Snow Queen entered.
"Who the hell just said molten lava?" shouted Becca.
Suzi and Charlotte grinned and pointed at Luke.
"There is no such thing as molten lava you five-legged platypus!" screeched Becca. "Lava IS molten rock! You cannot have molten molten rock! It makes no sense! It's physically impossible!" (Please take note all who read this story because if you don't there'll be "hell" to pay).
Steam poured from Becca's ears.
"Ok there, Becca," said Suzi. "We get it."
"Why were you talking about lava anyway?" asked Becca, calming down very quickly.
"We think that we can use it to channel fire and melt Narnia," said Wifery.
"But Narnia is a whole world," said Frodo. "One volcano cannot be that powerful."
"No ordinary volcano is that powerful, not even Tambora," said Becca. "All that did was bring about a volcanic winter. The only volcano capable of the eruption we need is a supervolcano."
Suzi suddenly noticed that three people were missing.
"Where's Keith, Leo and Piper?" she asked.
"Keith was unconscious," said Harry. "So Leo orbed Keith and Piper to the cave entrance to heal him."
Becca, Harry, Wifery, Suzi, Charlotte, Frodo, Ginny, Luke, Leia and Han set off towards the cave entrance where they found that Leo, Keith and Piper had made friends with a fluffy nine-legged octopus. Suzi killed the Snow Queen and used her intestines as a lasoo, during one crazy moment. Then, she and Becca began to call for a volcano to erupt. Soon Leo noticed the fountains of lava not far away and the ash cloud circling above them. Lava flows began to make their way through Narnia, melting the eternal winter. (This is PAINFULLY unrealistic) About 30 minutes into the eruption, water began to gush out of the cave carrying with it four unconscious Teletubbies and Joe, Greg and Trevor. Frodo stole his ring back from Trevor and the runaways were no longer evil. Lightning flashed in the sky.
"Shiny," said Charlotte, dreamily.
Suzi, Wifery, Charlotte, Leo, Piper, Luke, Leia, Han, Frodo, Keith, Trevor, Greg, Joe, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa Laa, Po, Ginny, Becca and Harry decided that they need to find a way back to Hogwarts, but because the snow was gone they couldn't retrace their steps back to the wardrobe. Just then a pink, green, blue and silver sheep appeared and led them all the way back. One by one they climbed through the wardrobe which brought them out inside Hogwarts. In that room they met Ron and Hermione who hadn't made it to Narnia because Monica and Chandler had spent the whole time having sex. Everyone went outside into the grounds where the Millennium Falcon was parked. Luke, Han and Leia climbed inside and flew away. The Teletubbies climbed into a hole in the round which sent them back to Teletubby land. Frodo used the ring to send him back to middle earth. Monica and Chandler got on a bright green plane and flew back to New York, and finally, Leo and Piper orbed out.
Later, while everyone left was talking, Greg led Trevor to the corner. Everyone turned to watch. Greg got down on one knee and said "Will you marry me Trevor?" He held up a little box containing a bright pink ring with an enormous yellow stone attached. Trevor looked shocked.
"Will you marry me?" the muff repeated...
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Hope you enjoyed this unbelieveably strange and very very stupid chapter. I wonder what adventures the next chapter will bring. Don't ask me, I don't know. That's Suzi's job. I'm off now to sing the Sugar Song. Thanks for reading.
With heartfelt hatred,
Becca XXX Satan's Deputy
Chapter 4: What the Hell is going on?
Author: Freddy's-Life (aka Suzi's deputy)
Genre: General/Humour
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing at all in this chapter except for Becca. The slightly strange plot is mine, I think, but don't hold me to it. Suzi I couldn't have done it without you, I love you Charlotte! Trevor, I would apologise, but you asked me to do it. I love you all. This is a Harry Potter fan fiction, just to be clear, but it could probably fit into loads of different categories if you tried hard enough.
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It was late at night when Trevor arrived. She had flown in on an old broomstick that she found in her mum's cupboard. She landed in the astronomy tower where she was met by Becca, Suzi and Harry. Becca and Suzi ran up to Trevor and hugged her while Harry stood at the back looking confused. Becca, Suzi and Harry took Trevor to the Gryffindor common room where everyone else was waiting.
"TREVOR!" shouted Charlotte.
The blonde ran up and hugged Trevor. Greg, complete with his grown back muff, retreated to the corner. Becca, who noticed, began to laugh hysterically until Suzi slapped her. Just then, Wifery walked in.
"Hi," she said.
"Hi," replied the brat pack.
Trevor headed across the room to where Greg was hiding in the corner. The ever observant and curious Becca watched Trevor go, but screamed when she realised what was happening. She ran out of the room, closely followed by Suzi, who had also noticed Trevor's idea.
So, Suzi and Becca wandered aimlessly through Hogwarts castle, occasionally poking each other's arms. Eventually they got tired, so they sat down on the third floor corridor and leant against the wall. While they were talking about monkeys, Leo from Charmed orbed in.
"Have you seen Piper?" he asked.
Suzi and Becca looked at him blankly.
"Erm, Leo," said Becca. "I think you're in the wrong story."
Leo looked at the two girls for a moment, then he realised he didn't know them, so he orbed out.
"That was weird," said Suzi.
"Yup," said Becca. "Definitely weird."
Suzi and Becca stood up and began to wander around again. They managed to get hold of some firewhiskey and began to drink. After getting quite drunk, Suzi saw four brightly coloured creatures heading their way.
"Becca," said Suzi. "I think I'm hallucinating."
She pointed down the corridor to where the coloured things were.
"No," said Becca. "It's just the Teletubbies."
Suzi looked at Becca for a minute.
"Why are the Teletubbies at Hogwarts?" asked Suzi.
"I have no idea," said Becca. "Do you think they're evil?"
"I don't know," said Suzi. "But we should get out of here."
So Suzi and Becca set off down the other corridor, where they ran into Keith and Charlotte.
"There you are," said Charlotte.
"We've been looking everywhere for you," said Keith.
"The teletubbies are here," said Suzi.
"We only just got away," said Becca.
Keith and Charlotte looked puzzled. Becca and Suzi heard a noise behind them.
"Eh oh!" said Laa Laa.
Becca, Suzi, Keith and Charlotte sprinted away. Five corridors later the four members of the brat pack stopped to catch their breath. Footsteps signalled the arrival of Harry and Ron.
"You have to see this," said Harry.
"What?" asked Suzi.
"Come with us," said Ron.
So Becca, Suzi, Charlotte and Keith followed Harry and Ron further down the corridor. Harry pushed open a door and the six went inside.
"Oh shit," said Suzi.
"Something weird is going on here," said Becca.
They were standing face to face with Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Princess Leia.
"Why are you here?" asked Suzi.
"I don't know," said Luke. "One minute we were running to the Millennium Falcon and then we were here."
"Oh," said Becca. "First it was Leo, then the Teletubbies and now you guys, something is not right."
"I wonder who'll be next," said Charlotte.
"I don't want to wait to find out," said Keith. "I'm going to find Ginny and Hermione, to see if they have a solution to this little problem."
Keith left the room, but his spot was soon filled by four Teletubbies who looked suspiciously innocent.
"I think we need to get everyone here," said Becca.
"Everyone who has appeared from another story?" asked Suzi.
"Yeah, exactly," said Becca.
"Leo!" shouted Suzi.
Leo orbed in.
"What is it?" asked Leo. "Have you found Piper?"
"Er, no," said Becca. "It's just something weird is going on, because loads of different stories are getting merged together."
"So we need to get everyone here so we can fix this," said Suzi.
"Charlotte, Harry and Ron," said Becca. "Will you go and see if you can find anyone else who has mysteriously appeared?"
"Yeah," said Harry.
Harry, Ron and Charlotte left the room. Becca and Suzi gathered up all the people from other stories.
"I wonder why they've all ended up here," said Becca.
"Maybe it's because they're all looking for something that's here it at Hogwarts," said Suzi. "Leo is looking for Piper, the Star Wars guys are looking for their ship and the Teletubbies are probably looking for Tinky Winky's bag or something."
"You could be right," said Becca. "All we need to do is find what they're looking for and then they'll go away."
Harry entered the room closely followed by Monica from Friends. Becca groaned loudly.
"What are you looking for, Monica?" asked Suzi.
"Chandler," said Monica.
"See," said Suzi. "I was right."
Keith, Ginny and Hermione came through the door.
"Oh," said Hermione. "What the hell is going on?"
"We have a theory," said Becca. "But we'll need your help to prove it."
"We need to split up all around the castle, except these guys here, and we need to look for Piper from Charmed, Chandler from Friends, Tinky Winky's bag from Teletubbies and the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars," said Suzi.
"Ok," said Ginny. "We're on it."
Keith, Ginny and Hermione set off again. Ron and Charlotte returned.
"We just found Frodo," said Ron, moving aside to let the hobbit through.
"Let me guess," said Becca. "You're looking for the ring?"
"Yeah," said Frodo.
He went and stood with the other people from different stories.
"This is getting out of hand," said Becca.
"I know," said Suzi.
"Harry, Ron and Charlotte," said Becca. "Will you go and look for Piper, Tinky Winky's bag, the Millennium Falcon, Chandler and Frodo's ring?"
"Yeah, sure," said Harry.
"Ok," said Ron.
"Do I have to?" moaned Charlotte.
"No," said Suzi. "You can stay with us. Oh, Harry, will you tell Wifery, Trevor, Greg Slater and Joe Taylor to come and help us."
"Where will they be?" asked Harry.
"Gryffindor tower," said Becca.
"Ok, no problem," said Harry. Harry and Ron set off.
"So, what do we do now?" asked Suzi.
"We wait," said Becca. "To see what the others can find."
Suzi nodded.
Elsewhere in the castle:
Harry walked down the long lonely corridor after enlisting the help of the remaining member of the brat pack and the three others. He walked slowly with his wand (his magic one not the other one) out in front of him. He could hear footsteps coming towards him. He turned and saw a young woman. She through out her hands as though trying to cast a spell.
"Ah," he said. "You must be Piper."
"Why didn't you freeze?" asked Piper.
"I'm a good wizard," said Harry. "And your powers may not work here. This is a different kind of magic to what you're used to. Anyway, how did you get here?"
"I'm not sure," said Piper. "I was at home, looking through the Book of Shadows, when I ended up here."
"Oh," said Harry. "Some guy called Leo is here looking for you. Becca and Suzi will be glad that I found you, he's been driving them crazy."
Another place in the castle:
"Are you lost?" said Ginny.
There was a man walking slowly through the corridor. He turned around when he heard her speak.
"Yeah," the man said. "I'm Chandler."
"Excellent," said Ginny. "So, how did you get here?"
"I have no idea," said Chandler. "I was leaving Central Perk, so I opened the door and I ended up here."
"That's weird," said Ginny. "I'm Ginny by the way, and someone called Monica is looking for you."
"Monica's here?" said Chandler.
"Yeah. Loads of people from other stories have been turning up here," said Ginny. "Suzi and Becca have a theory about why, but we've all been sent to find you."
"Oh, and Suzi and Becca are?" said Chandler.
"They're in the brat pack," said Ginny.
Chandler looked puzzled.
"Don't ask," said Ginny.
Chandler and Ginny set off back to meet the others.
Yet another place in the castle:
"Well, that definitely shouldn't be here," said Wifery.
She had gone to the Library where she had found a red bag sitting on a shelf.
"How the hell did you get here?" she muttered to the bag.
She picked it up and looked inside. It was empty.
"Dammit!" she said. "I was kinda hoping that Frodo's ring would be in there. Ah, well. I'd better get this back to the Teletubbies."
Wifery set off away from the Library, hoping that she would be able to find the room where Suzi was waiting.
A different place in the castle:
"Oh," said Trevor. "It's so shiny."
"Yeah," said Greg.
"Let's steal it," said Joe.
"No," said Trevor. "We can't steal the ring, tempting as it is. It belongs to Frodo. Charlotte will love it though. Look at the shininess."
Trevor, Greg and Joe stared at the ring for a while.
"Oh, God!" said Hermione, coming across the three weirdos. "It's turning them evil."
Hermione pulled out her wand.
"Accio ring!" she shouted.
The ring flew into her hand.
"Hey!" shouted Trevor.
"That wasn't nice!" said Joe.
"Kill her!" said Greg.
Trevor, Joe and Greg pounced on Hermione squashing her into the floor. Trevor stole the ring back and ran away with it, closely followed by Joe and Greg.
"Oh no," said Hermione.
She ran off to tell the others about what happened.
Another different place in the castle:
"Who are you?" said Ron.
There was a strange person wandering through the corridor.
"I'm the devil," said the stranger.
"The devil?" said Ron sceptically. "Are you male or female?"
"Male of course," said the devil.
"Ok," said Ron. "So, this is confusing. We now have two devils. Suzi is not going to be happy. Come with me."
Ron and the devil set off towards the room where Suzi and Becca were looking after the others.
Back in the classroom:
"Becca, Suzi," said Harry. "I found Piper."
Harry let Piper come into the room.
"Oh, thank God," said Becca. "Maybe he'll shut up now."
She pointed at Leo.
"Leo?" said Piper, looking at the annoying one.
"Piper?" said Leo.
He ran up and hugged her.
"Where the hell have you been?" he asked.
"Ok, people," said Suzi. "Reunions later. We still have people to find."
"Harry, will you go and..." said Becca.
Ginny entered the room closely followed by Chandler.
"Oh my God, Chandler," said Monica.
She ran up to her husband and kissed him.
"Well done, Ginny," said Harry.
"Thanks," said Ginny. "You found Piper, I take it?"
"Yeah," said Harry. "It wasn't hard."
Wifery came through the door and closed it with a bang.
"Which of you lost a bag?" she asked.
Tinky Winky said something in Teletubby language.
"That would be Tinky Winky's," said Becca.
Suzi took the back from Wifery and gave it to the large purple teletubby.
"Seriously," she said. "A bag?"
"What's left?" asked Charlotte.
"Frodo's ring," said Harry.
"They've stolen it," said Hermione, entering.
"Who?" asked Becca.
"Trevor, Greg and Joe," said Hermione.
"Shit!" said Suzi.
"It's turned them evil," said Hermione.
Suzi and Becca looked at each other. That wasn't good. Suzi and Becca would have laughed if the situation wasn't so serious.
"So, we have three teenagers running around the school with a powerful ring that has turned them evil," said Becca.
"It gets worse," said Ron appearing in the doorway.
Everyone turned to look at the male red head.
"This is the devil," he said, allowing the devil to enter.
"Hang on a minute," said Suzi looking angry.
Becca and Suzi walked towards the devil.
"You cannot be the devil," said Becca. "Suzi is Satan, the devil, ruler of hell whatever you want to call it."
"You lie," said the devil.
Suzi sighed and pulled an enormous sword out of her pocket. She stabbed the devil and killed him.
"What a shame," said Becca sarcastically. "Well done, Suzi."
"That was too easy," said Suzi.
Becca, Suzi and Ron returned to the rest of the group. Becca looked around to see who was missing.
"Ok," she said. "We're going to have to split into groups to find Trevor, Greg and Joe."
Keith opened the door and entered.
"So, Hermione and Ron, will you take Monica and Chandler to the dungeons to search?"
Ron and Hermione nodded.
"Keith, Ginny and Wifery, go and search the common rooms and first three floors with the Teletubbies. Charlotte and Frodo go and search the top 4 floors. Harry take Luke, Leia and Han into the grounds, and me and Suzi will go into the forbidden forest with Leo and Piper."
Everybody set off. Suzi, Becca, Piper and Leo walked past Hagrid's and entered the forest.
"It's pretty dark in here," said Becca. "Cool."
They continued walking through the forest.
"Do you think Grawp'll be here?" said Suzi.
"Who's Grawp?" asked Piper.
"A giant," said Suzi.
"I've never seen a giant before," said Piper. "Demons, warlocks, evil wizards, angels yes, but no giants."
"Right, ok," said Suzi. "So what do you think, Becca?"
"He's probably still here," said Becca. "It's Aragog that I don't want to meet though."
"Who's Aragog?" asked Leo.
"Don't ask," said Becca.
The four wandered on with Leo constantly breaking branches and Piper getting mad at him. Becca and Suzi found a dead unicorn. They decided that they needed Harry, so they sent a message to Ginny, telling her to take over Harry's group and tell him to meet them at the forest entrance. Five minutes later Becca, Suzi, Piper and Leo met Harry just outside Hagrid's.
"What is it, Becca?" asked Harry.
"We found a dead unicorn," said Becca.
"But we don't know what killed it," said Suzi. "And we think there might be more. We figured you'd be able to help us."
"Erm, sure," said Harry.
The five people set off through the forest. Becca and Harry began to discuss the plot of the one-legged space chickens. Suzi led the way.
"I just saw a dinosaur," she said suddenly.
"The dinosaurs are dead," said Piper.
"No," said Suzi. "I just saw one."
"I believe you," said Becca. "I believe in the dinosaur."
"You two are strange," said Harry.
"We know," said Suzi.
"That's why you love us," grinned Becca.
Suzi, Becca and Harry laughed. Leo and Piper looked at them blankly. They carried on walking. Becca, Harry, Leo and Piper looked for the dead unicorn, but Suzi was trying to find her dinosaur. For a moment Becca and Harry briefly forgot the seriousness of the situation and snogged. Suzi coughed loudly so they stopped.
"Where do you think Trevor, Greg and Joe will be?" asked Harry.
"They could be anywhere," said Suzi.
"Why did you bring us?" asked Piper.
"Because we are not leaving you alone to get lost in the castle," said Suzi.
"Also, your powers may work once we are far enough from the wards surrounding Hogwarts," said Becca.
"Ok," said Piper.
Then she screamed. Dave the monkey had arrived. Leo and Piper backed slowly away from Dave, but Becca, Suzi and Harry stood their ground. Harry put a tickling charm on Dave then Becca pegged him to the ground. Suzi called him nasty names then they walked away laughing. Leo and Piper followed them quickly.
After wandering very deep into the forbidden forest, well away from the safety of Hogwarts, Suzi, Becca, Harry, Leo and Piper came across a wardrobe propped up against a mahogany oak tree. They had a short discussion and decided that they should look inside it. Becca opened the door.
"There's a load of coats," she said.
"Go in," said Harry.
"No, don't," said Leo. "It could be dangerous."
Becca rolled her eyes and climbed into the wardrobe. She pushed the coats outside and stepped out into the cold snow world.
"Well, this is weird," she said.
"What?" said Suzi from the other side.
"Come through," said Becca.
Leo, Piper, Suzi and Harry clambered through after Becca.
"I think we're in Narnia," Becca said after a moment's pause. "Trevor, Greg and Joe have left footprints in the snow."
"I never knew there was a doorway in the forest," said Harry.
"You've never been in this deep," said Suzi.
"Ok, we need to check powers," said Becca. "Leo try orbing over there."
She pointed to a tree. Leo orbed.
"Excellent. Piper, try freezing Leo," said Becca.
Piper froze him, then unfroze him.
"Oh my God, it worked," said Piper.
"Good, now Harry. Try summoning Leo," said Becca.
Harry summoned Leo and he shot back to the others. Becca and Suzi made sure that their hidden swords and pegs were in place.
"So," said Leo. "Does anyone know what we're likely to find in Narnia?"
Becca and Suzi looked at each other.
"It's seven years since I read the book," said Becca. "All I remember is the fawns, the snow queen and Aslan."
"Who's Aslan?" asked Piper.
"A lion," said Suzi.
"And the Snow Queen?" asked Harry.
"An evil witch," said Becca. "With the power to turn things to ice... I think."
"That's not good," said Leo. "Is it?"
"Er, no," said Becca. "Especially with Trevor, Greg and Joe turning evil. They'll be willing to work for the Queen, and she'll be only too glad to use them."
"At least there's no Voldemort," said Harry.
"True," said Suzi.
"But at least with Voldemort we knew exactly what we were up against," said Becca.
"With the power to freeze, Piper should be able to take her on then, right?" said Leo. "I mean, that is the evil version of her power."
"Don't talk about that," said Piper.
"I'm not so sure it'll work," said Harry. "This is an unknown realm. Her magic could be more powerful than anything we've seen."
"I know," said Becca. "But we can't stand around here all day. We have to find Trevor, Greg, Joe and the ring, before it's too late."
The others nodded in agreement and they set off across the snow covered land of Narnia, the eternal winter. They had only been walking for a short while when Suzi realised they were being followed. They turned to see the unmistakable red hair of Ginny Weasley along with Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia.
"What the hell is going on?" asked Suzi.
"We found a wardrobe at the back of the castle," said Ginny. "We followed the footprints from the exit."
"I don't get it," said Harry. "The wardrobe we came through was deep in the forbidden forest."
"Maybe all the wardrobes lead to the same place," said Piper.
"Like they're al part of the same portal," said Leo.
"Or maybe the gateway moves," said Becca. "It may be moving around Hogwarts to bring us all here."
"Are you saying that someone, somewhere wants us all here? In Narnia?" said Harry.
"Yeah," said Becca. "I just don't know why."
Becca, Harry, Suzi and Ginny looked at each other.
"Voldemort?" suggested Harry.
"We killed him," said Ginny.
"He's only concerned with what's in your realm," said Becca. "There are people here from different times, and different dimensions."
"Do you guys have any gun with you?" Suzi asked the people from Star Wars.
"Blasters, yeah," said Han. "And Luke's got his light sabre."
"Ok, good," said Becca. "You may be needing them. And Ginny, is your wand working?"
"Yeah," said Ginny. "I tested it before."
Harry sighed loudly.
"What the hell is going on here?" he said.
"There's a great evil working against us," said Leo. "It's brought us all together for a reason. Probably to kill us off together, leave the pathway for evil clear."
"You're a little ray of sunshine aren't you," said Ginny.
"This doesn't make any sense," said Becca. "Suzi is Satan. The source of all that is evil, how can she – we, be the protectors of good."
"It could be a rebellious evil," said Leo. "A faction of spirits wanting to overthrow Satan, and the good of the world, and fill it with their own brand of evil. A powerful evil."
"But even so, why bring us here?" said Suzi.
"This is Narnia," said Leo.
"The land of eternal winter," said Becca. "Fire evil, like Suzi, is powerless here, unless we can find a way to channel the fire."
"I don't know how," said Suzi.
Suzi, Becca, Harry, Ginny, Luke, Leia, Piper, Leo and Han set off across the snow desert once again. On their journey they encountered nothing but each other, saw nothing but each other and heard nothing but each other. They had left wide tracks in the snow and continued to follow the footprints left by Trevor, Joe and Greg. As they reached a tree in their path they noticed two people standing by it. It was Charlotte and Frodo.
"Hi," said Charlotte running up to hug Suzi and Becca. "How did you guys get here?"
"Through a wardrobe," said Suzi.
"Just like us," said Charlotte. "It was in the Divination classroom."
"Forbidden forest," said Becca.
"Back of Hogwarts," said Ginny.
"We were wondering when we'd meet someone else," said Harry.
"Charlotte, have you gone any booze with you?" asked Suzi.
"Yeah," said Charlotte. "Why?"
"It might come in useful," said Becca.
Frodo told everyone that he had a sword with him. Harry noticed that the footprints in the snow looked fresher than before. Luke suggested that they were getting close. They set off again following the footprints until they reached a cave. Charlotte started to jump up and down.
"Ooo! A cave!" she squealed.
Becca and Suzi laughed while the others looked at Charlotte strangely.
"Has she hit her head?" asked Leia.
"No," said Becca. "She's just like this sometimes."
"She's not lying down on the floor, yet," said Suzi. "So don't worry."
"I'm not even going to ask," said Leo.
"That's probably a good idea," said Piper.
It was decided that Trevor, Greg and Joe must be inside the cave. Luke and Leo were a bit worried because they didn't know what else was in there, but the others ignored them. Becca led the way into the cave with Harry and Suzi close behind her. So Becca, Harry, Suzi, Charlotte, Ginny, Leia, Piper, Frodo, Han, Leo and Luke crept in single file through the dark cave. Harry held magic flames in his hand to help light the way. Becca and Suzi wondered why nobody else had arrived. They hoped that Keith and Wifery were alright. Ginny shivered. It was very cold in the cave and they were now a long way in. From somewhere not far ahead they heard someone cackle.
"Did you hear that?" whispered Piper.
"Yes, I heard it," said Suzi.
"What was it?" whispered Han.
"I don't know," said Harry.
"I think it was the Snow Queen," said Becca.
"In a cave?" said Ginny in a loud whisper. "What happened to the castle made of ice?"
Suddenly there was a high pitched scream coming from the same direction as the cackle.
"Wifery!" exclaimed Becca, Suzi and Charlotte.
"We have to help her," said Suzi.
She turned and set off again.
"Wait!" said Ginny. "If that was Wifery, then what's happened to Keith?"
Becca and Suzi looked at each other uneasily.
"We have to save them!" repeated Suzi. "Anything could have happened."
"Then let's go," said Becca. "Weapons out, just in case."
She and Suzi drew their swords and pegs. The others did the same with their various weapons. Harry blew out the flames in his hand and they were plunged into darkness. Everybody joined hands so they wouldn't get lost; Suzi and Becca, Becca and harry, Harry and Ginny, Ginny and Han, Han and Leia, Leia and Luke, Luke and Charlotte, Charlotte and Frodo, Frodo and Piper, Piper and Leo. They continued off down the cave to where they heard Wifery scream. They could see a flickering blue light ahead of them and Suzi realised that they must be close. They started to walk faster. Finally they reached a glistening ice room. Suzi spotted Wifery being hugged by a giant iguana in a pink tutu.
"Piper," said Suzi. "Freeze the iguana."
Piper did and Wifery was free. She ran up to Suzi and hugged her.
"Where's Keith?" asked Ginny.
"The Snow Queen took him somewhere," said Wifery.
"Oh God!" said Becca. "We'd better hurry and get there before he rapes her."
"Rapes her?" said Luke blankly.
"Don't ask," said Piper.
Everyone set off running to an ice chamber at the other side of the room. Suzi and Wifery decided to look around for Trevor, Greg and Joe with Han, Charlotte, Luke, Frodo and Leia. So Harry, Becca, Ginny, Leo and Piper climbed through a small hole into the ice chamber to try and find Keith. They all slipped over on the ice, so Harry conjured five pairs of ice skates. They all put them on.
"Thanks," said Becca.
Harry, Piper, Ginny, Becca and Leo skated across a large ice lake until they came to a doorway. Ginny led the way through. Keith and the Snow Queen were lying unconscious on the floor.
"Leo and Piper," said Becca. "Take Keith and orb to the cave entrance. Heal him and we'll meet you there."
Leo took hold of Keith's arm and wrapped his other arm around Piper. Then they orbed out.
"Harry," continued Becca. "Do you think you can levitate the Snow Queen out?"
"Sure," said Harry.
He pointed his wand at the Snow Queen and said 'mobilicorpus'. The Snow Queen levitated and Harry, Becca and Ginny skated out.
Meanwhile:
Back in the ice room, Suzi, Wifery, Luke, Frodo, Leia, Charlotte and Han were discussing a plan to free Trevor, Greg and Joe. They had already found four iced over Teletubbies in the corner, but they couldn't free them.
"What if we melt Narnia?" said Suzi.
"How can we melt a whole world?" said Han. "Your fire is powerless here."
"I don't know yet," said Suzi. "But if we did melt Narnia we'd find Trevor, Greg and Joe."
"Why do you think that?" said Wifery.
"Because I think I found them buried deep in the ice under this room," said Suzi.
"I guess it would work," said Leia. "All you need is a way to channel your fire and melt Narnia."
"Becca," said Charlotte.
"Becca can't melt a whole world," said Wifery.
"I know," said Charlotte. "But what would Becca suggest?"
Suzi suddenly realised what Charlotte meant and cursed herself for acting so blonde.
"Of course!" said Suzi.
"What?" said Luke.
"A volcano," said Suzi.
"We can't just command a volcano to erupt," said Leia. "That's impossible."
"There may be a spell to do it," said Charlotte.
"Frodo can help," said Wifery. "He can help us find a volcano."
"I don't get it," said Luke. "You're gonna try and force a mountain to just spew out molten lava. How is that gonna work?"
At that moment Becca, Harry, Ginny and the Snow Queen entered.
"Who the hell just said molten lava?" shouted Becca.
Suzi and Charlotte grinned and pointed at Luke.
"There is no such thing as molten lava you five-legged platypus!" screeched Becca. "Lava IS molten rock! You cannot have molten molten rock! It makes no sense! It's physically impossible!" (Please take note all who read this story because if you don't there'll be "hell" to pay).
Steam poured from Becca's ears.
"Ok there, Becca," said Suzi. "We get it."
"Why were you talking about lava anyway?" asked Becca, calming down very quickly.
"We think that we can use it to channel fire and melt Narnia," said Wifery.
"But Narnia is a whole world," said Frodo. "One volcano cannot be that powerful."
"No ordinary volcano is that powerful, not even Tambora," said Becca. "All that did was bring about a volcanic winter. The only volcano capable of the eruption we need is a supervolcano."
Suzi suddenly noticed that three people were missing.
"Where's Keith, Leo and Piper?" she asked.
"Keith was unconscious," said Harry. "So Leo orbed Keith and Piper to the cave entrance to heal him."
Becca, Harry, Wifery, Suzi, Charlotte, Frodo, Ginny, Luke, Leia and Han set off towards the cave entrance where they found that Leo, Keith and Piper had made friends with a fluffy nine-legged octopus. Suzi killed the Snow Queen and used her intestines as a lasoo, during one crazy moment. Then, she and Becca began to call for a volcano to erupt. Soon Leo noticed the fountains of lava not far away and the ash cloud circling above them. Lava flows began to make their way through Narnia, melting the eternal winter. (This is PAINFULLY unrealistic) About 30 minutes into the eruption, water began to gush out of the cave carrying with it four unconscious Teletubbies and Joe, Greg and Trevor. Frodo stole his ring back from Trevor and the runaways were no longer evil. Lightning flashed in the sky.
"Shiny," said Charlotte, dreamily.
Suzi, Wifery, Charlotte, Leo, Piper, Luke, Leia, Han, Frodo, Keith, Trevor, Greg, Joe, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa Laa, Po, Ginny, Becca and Harry decided that they need to find a way back to Hogwarts, but because the snow was gone they couldn't retrace their steps back to the wardrobe. Just then a pink, green, blue and silver sheep appeared and led them all the way back. One by one they climbed through the wardrobe which brought them out inside Hogwarts. In that room they met Ron and Hermione who hadn't made it to Narnia because Monica and Chandler had spent the whole time having sex. Everyone went outside into the grounds where the Millennium Falcon was parked. Luke, Han and Leia climbed inside and flew away. The Teletubbies climbed into a hole in the round which sent them back to Teletubby land. Frodo used the ring to send him back to middle earth. Monica and Chandler got on a bright green plane and flew back to New York, and finally, Leo and Piper orbed out.
Later, while everyone left was talking, Greg led Trevor to the corner. Everyone turned to watch. Greg got down on one knee and said "Will you marry me Trevor?" He held up a little box containing a bright pink ring with an enormous yellow stone attached. Trevor looked shocked.
"Will you marry me?" the muff repeated...
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Hope you enjoyed this unbelieveably strange and very very stupid chapter. I wonder what adventures the next chapter will bring. Don't ask me, I don't know. That's Suzi's job. I'm off now to sing the Sugar Song. Thanks for reading.
With heartfelt hatred,
Becca XXX Satan's Deputy