Sandy looked up at Jeffrey. "Can they… Make me… Testify?" he asked hesitantly.
"Only if they subpoena you…" Jeffrey said.
Sandy swallowed nervously. "Do you… Do you think that they will?" he asked.
"I haven't been thrown off of the case yet…" Jeffrey answered.
"But Gus said…" Sandy started.
"I know what Gus said… But it's not definitive until the Attorney General says it is…"
"I'm sorry…" Sandy said, a broken look flashing in his eyes.
Jeffrey moved closer to him. "For what?" he asked. "Sandy… You… You haven't done anything to be sorry for…"
"I know… How much… The drug case meant to you… I mean, you've been working on it for so long… And now… They're not even going to let you prosecute it… And it's all because of me…"
"No…" Jeffrey said. "Sandy, don't… Don't talk like that…"
"Why shouldn't I?" Sandy said. "It's true, isn't it? I'm your fucking conflict of interest!"
"Sandy, none of this is your fault! If anything I should be apologizing to you for getting you into this mess…"
"I'm just so damn stupid!" Sandy said. "What the fuck was I thinking? I had time to run… And I… I sped up my pace, but I didn't run… I should've run… I just… I should've run when I heard those footsteps…"
Jeffrey took Sandy's hand and looked into his eyes. "Sandy…" he said. "None of this is your fault…"
"It is my fault…" Sandy said. "Stop lying to me, Jeffrey!"
"Sandy…" Jeffrey repeated. "None of this is your fault…"
"It's my fault for being stupid and weak and afraid…"
"No Sandy… No…"
"What're you still doing here, Jeffrey?" Sandy asked.
"Sandy, what kind of question is that?"
"Just leave… Just go… Get out… Just leave me alone…"
"Sandy, why are you telling me these things? Are you angry with me? Do you blame me for what happened to you? Just please… Tell me… Tell me and I will leave, if that's really what you want…"
"If you leave me…" Sandy said. "Then there's no conflict of interest… If you… If you didn't love me…"
"But I do love you Sandy! I do!"
"And what good is it doing you?"
"Sandy… Please…"
"Please what?"
"Please stop all of this! If you want me gone because you're angry with me or because you blame me for what happened or because you think that I am a terrible person or because you just plain don't love me anymore then tell me and I will leave! But if you want me gone because you think that is really what I want… Or because… Because you think that I'd be better off pursuing a case than being with you… Then… Well… You're not going to get me to move from this spot!"
Sandy turned away from Jeffrey.
"Just tell me why you want me gone, Sandy, just tell me the truth… All right…"
Sandy swallowed nervously, once again fighting to hold back tears. "I don't! OK! I don't want you gone! But you should leave anyway… It would be better for you if you left…"
"Why?"
"Because…" Sandy said. "You don't need this right now…"
"Sandy…" Jeffrey looked into his eyes again, seeing all of the hurt behind them. "I need you just as much as you need me, if not more so…"
"That's a lie!" Sandy said. "That's a lie and you know it!"
"No, Sandy, it is not a lie… It is the truth…"
"I'm weak, Jeffrey… If I wasn't so weak…"
"You're not weak…" Jeffrey said. "A few days ago you were close to death… And now… You're breathing on your own… You're coherent… That's not weak, Sandy, that takes strength…"
Sandy shook his head. "I'm weak and I'm afraid…" he said. "If I were strong, Jeffrey… If I were strong, then the thought of testifying wouldn't scare me so much… If I were strong… If I were strong then I wouldn't become completely hysterical at the mere sight of a badge..."
"Sandy, no… You are not weak, that is just a form of posttraumatic stress disorder… I explained this to you…"
"Oh great, so I'm not weak, I'm just crazy…"
"You are not crazy…"
"Just mentally ill…"
"Sandy, don't say it like that… Given what you have been through…"
"Stop talking to me like you're my psychologist, Jeffrey! You are not!"
"I'm sorry…" Jeffrey sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"AND STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE I AM BROKEN!" Sandy cried.
"Sandy…" Jeffrey said. "I do not think that you are broken…"
Sandy turned away from Jeffrey again and buried his head in the pillow. He hated himself. He hated himself for being so weak and for acting this way. He hated himself for these hysterical crying fits that he'd had the past few days. He hated himself for being selfish enough to keep Jeffrey here… To keep him from his work…
"Sandy…" Jeffrey tried to get his arms around him, but Sandy just pulled away.
"Don't…" Sandy said. "Don't touch me…"
"I'm sorry…" Jeffrey said.
"Stop apologizing to me every five seconds!" Sandy snapped.
Jeffrey was getting frustrated with all of this. He didn't know how much more he could take of Sandy acting this way, and he hated himself for being unable to help him. He felt completely useless here. So he just sat there. He just sat in the chair by his bed and watched him cry. He made no more move to touch him. He made no more apologies. He just… Watched him.