A/N: Cheers to all the darlings that have reviewed, my god how British did I sound then?! Anyhoo enjoy this extra long chapter my computer is doing bastardly things so I don't know when I'll be able to update…

Chapter 4:

Exercise Everyday…Die Healthier!

Harry woke up several days later in the hospital wing. He didn't want to but Ron was bouncing on the bed so R&R went straight out the window.

"Harry you're awake" Ron shouted excitedly as he heard Harry groan.

"No, Ron I'm still asleep" Harry said sarcastically, Ron had to sit down and think about that.

Harry looked down and saw that he was wearing a lovely (?) set of grey hospital pyjamas, only there was a huge hole cut out of the back spanning from his neck to the base of his spine. Harry managed to pull Ron over to the full length mirror and stared at their joined spines. He couldn't find his glasses so the image was very fuzzy.

"Yuck" he muttered as he watched the bones contort every which way.

Pinko runs in and starts poking at the deformed backbones 'Ew, it feels all squishy'

Before Harry could swot the deranged girl away another one entered the room: Hermione.

"Hi guys, ow you have missed out on soooo much fun. Yesterday we had an unscheduled exam, I almost peed myself" she chirped.

'Thank you for that wonderful mental picture Hermione'

'Shut up Pinko'

"Yeah, great fun" Harry muttered. "Would you mind telling me what exactly happened after our little…accident?" He continued.

"Well you broke both your arms and your left leg, you've been unconscious since then so Pommy put you back together in no time" she said calmly.

"What about him?" Harry motioned to Ron.

"A splinter" she uttered.

"WHAT, I BREAK THREE OF MY LIMBS AND HE GETS A SPLINTER" Harry screamed.

"Calm down Harry, anyone would think you wanted Ron to be hurt" Hermione replied.

– Deathly silence –

"…anyway you managed to land on your face so there wasn't much more damage" Hermione continued looking everywhere except at Harry.

"What, do you mean there wasn't much more damage?" Harry asked carefully.

"Well…um, er…maybe you should look for yourself" Hermione stuttered while handing Harry his glasses. He took them from her placed the arms behind his ears and watched them fall to the ground and smash.

'Oh dear boys and girls that can't be good'

'Pinko, stop laughing'

"Oh honestly" Hermione uttered while withdrawing her wand. "Fixie-upie" She cried pointing her wand at the broken glasses.

'Um, shouldn't that be Reparo, not Fixie-Upie Fri?'

'…um…no' (shifty eye movement again)

Harry picked the glasses up and just looked through them instead of trying to put them on.

"WHAT'S HAPPENED TO MY NOSE" Harry bellowed.

"Um, well…you kind of broke it…off" Hermione said nervously.

Harry stared at the blank spot where his nose used to be. It was completely flat, no nostrils, no cartilage…nothing, just skin.

"Wha, bu-, how…why-" Harry knew he wasn't making any sense so instead he decided the best course of action was…to kill Ron.

Harry reached behind himself and grabbed Ron around his neck, Harry squeezed until his hands when red. Then he squeezed some more.

"Harry, stop!" Hermione screamed tugging Harry's hands from Ron's neck. "It's not his fault…ok it is but–" Harry ignored Hermione and tried to grab Ron again.

Ron panic stricken ran around the room manically dragging Harry along with him. When all of a sudden:

Queue random Voldemort appearance number three:

'How many of these are you going to do?'

'I'm going to keep writing them until the readers can't stand it anymore, Pinko'

'What if identical twin sisters who live in their other sibling's brain can't stand it anymore?'

'Well I'd suggest that person seek professional health, they sound like a complete nutter…anyhoo'

"That's right Harry Potter I have returned again, you cannot defeat me for I am all powerful and–" Voldemort stopped his dramatic speech and stared at the quivering red head curled around his ankles. "Um, what are you doing?" Voldemort asked nervously.

"Harry's trying to kill me, but I think I lost him" Ron stated looking from left to right but not behind himself. "Idiot" Harry's muffled voice said, his face was pressed hard against the floor and without a nose breathing was quite difficult.

Ron rose to his feet (and so did Harry obviously) as Hermione joined them on the other side of the room. Harry brushed himself off and faced Voldemort not at all surprised that he was back.

"Are you going to lunge at Harry again?" Hermione asked hopefully.

"Um, well I don't think I should. My last few attempts weren't very successful and I've…kind of lost faith in my lunging ability" Voldemort said hanging his head and wringing his hands awkwardly.

"Ow, you poor thing. I didn't know you have such low self-esteem, you can do it just give it a go" Hermione said gently while stroking his arm.

"Ow, alright then" Voldemort chirped happily. He lunged forward but paused midway, scanned the room for potential interrupters then continued his lunge.

Voldemort was mere millimetres from Harry when Madame Pomfray smacked him on the side of the head. For the third time Voldemort straighten himself upright, combed back his hair with his fingers then turned to the nurse.

"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Voldemort ran from the room tugging at his fleshly straightened hair.

'Poor love, all he wanted to do was maim Harry a little' Pinko dabs her eyes with a tissue.

'I know Pinko, I know' (welling up a bit)

"Honestly I can't be having these distractions, do you have any idea how hard it is to make a nose when all you have to work with is Silly Putty and a Dulex colour chart?" Madame Pomfray gasped throwing her hands into the air.

"Come on, your fine now you can go to class" she pushed Harry, Ron and Hermione out of the door while muttering something about second-rate school and sleeping her way to the top for nothing!

Hermione led Ron down to their next class, Harry just let Ron drag him there while he repeated the words Silly Putty and Dulex over and over again.

(::)

The group finally managed to get to their class, however on the way Hermione had to persuade Harry down from a window ledge. They had been passing Snape in the corridor when he spotted them, he took one look at Harry's nose-less face, fell to his knees and for the first time laughed until he choked on his own breath.

They all took their seats next to each other, however Harry and Ron had to sit sideways across a chair. McGonagall staggered into the room, while the door was open they could still hear Snape's manic cackle in the corridor.

"It appears that Professor Snape is having a break down so I will be teaching today's Charms class instead of Professor Flitwick" she said airily.

'Huh, that doesn't make any sense. Why can't Flitwick teach his own class?'

'Ow it's very simple…I couldn't think of a plausible reason why McGonagall would be teaching that particular class so I just left the explanation out'

'Ow fair enough'

"Today you are going to be performing silencing charms on each other" McGonagall said slouching into the chair while everyone paired up.

"Remember, twirl, flick then the incantation…on my count, one, two, three" she said pulling out a copy of Heat (the magical world version of course).

Every wand in the class rose, twirled and then flicked followed by the infamous words: 'Shud-uppa-you-face'.

A beam of white light sped from every wand and hit well…everyone.

'Your eloquence gets more and more profound with each chapter Fri'

Fri pulls out her wand faces Pinko and shouts 'Shud-uppa-you-face'

'You do realise you just referred to yourself as the third person right?'

Fri bangs her wand on the computer monitor 'I knew I shouldn't have bought a wand on E-Bay'

The class sat there silently waiting for McGonagall to tell them how to undo the silencing spell. Instead she just continued turning the page, letting out gasps of "Oh my gods" and "Those are fake for sure" every so often.

Hermione handed a piece of parchment to Harry, on it was written:

Doesn't Voldemort look fit!?

Harry stared at her for a moment, shook his head wildly then wrote something down on the parchment as well. It read:

EW EW EW EW i fort u an Nevil woz goin out

Hermione stared at the words hating the fact that's she couldn't yell at Harry for the atrocious spelling and grammatical errors. Instead she wrote:

We are, well we were until this morning.

Harry read it then replied with:

'This is getting really annoying'

'PINKO'

Woz apend?

Hermione replied with:

He said that 'I'm not dareing enough' and that 'I need to be more rebellious'. That is just absurd, I rebel…well in controlled, moderate doses.

Harry quickly scanned the note, he could see that Hermione was upset, so being as sympathetic as possible he replied with:

U spelt daring wrong!

Hermione glared at him then wrote something else down:

I'll show him, I'm going to rebel so much I'll make Sid Vicious look like Cliff Richard!

Harry stared at Hermione like she had lost her mind then quickly scribbled:

old it. So far since joinin ogwarts u ave broke every school rule numerous times, aided and abetted an Azkaban runaway, gone back in time and u ave a near def experience every weak, all of this befour your 13th berfday…and Nevil still finks your not rebellious enough!!??

Hermione just nodded along, then felt very cheated at the fact that she was still only 12 years old.

'Wait a minute Fri I have a story to tell you'

'Really Pinko, go on then'

'A long time ago in a kingdom far, far away there lived a magical wondrous thing called CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER. So far you have mentioned Sirius and Lupin so that means Hermione has to be at least 13, and because she went back in time near the end of the year she must be close to 14. But definitely not 12'

'Um, er…yes well I can explain that…MY STORY, MY RULES kay!'

Harry quickly scribbled on the very full parchment:

Wot u gunna do?

Hermione just smiled at him screwed up the parchment and lobbed it across the room, the ball of paper hit McGonagall square between the eyes. She looked up abruptly, opened the paper and read it.

"Yes I'd do Voldy any day" She chimed before returning to her mag.

Hermione just sat red faced and angry next to Harry.

Next chapter: Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps.

A/N: Sorry about the length but I don't know when I'll be able to update again. So what wild and crazy things is Hermione going to do next? Drop a pencil, maybe or even call Snape a poopy-head well you'll just have to wait and see…p.s REVIEW please.