Christmas vacation was far from relaxing for Ginny. First, she was whisked from her bed in the middle of the night, after everything that had happened with Draco that day, and was then told that her father had been attacked, and possibly killed. Before she knew it, she was back in Grimmauld Place.

She and her brothers, along with Sirius, all listened attentively as Harry recounted to them what had happened to him. It all sounded eerily familiar to her, of something she never wanted to go back to. Looking at Sirius's set jaw, she knew he was thinking the same thing. It was possible it had been some sort of possession, not as she knew it though. Whatever it had been, it left her feeling unnerved.

After his story, there was a long silence and a lot of waiting in the old kitchen. Ginny curled in her chair. She was feeling upset and distressed, but couldn't cry. Her father meant so much to her. He had taught her how to tie her shoes, and how to ride a bike, and how to tell the temperature from the crickets. He had given her medicine when she was sick, and comforted her when she was sad. All of them needed him there. If he died, everything would seem lost to her.

When her mother arrived with the good news, Ginny had never been more relieved. She retreated up to the room she had shared with Hermione all summer, exhausted. But as soon as her head hit the pillow, she could no longer sleep.

It was starting to amaze her how many things could change in a day. Just 24 hours before, she had been sitting in the Great Hall, pretending to eat. She was secure with the fact that her family was safe, and they would soon be sharing Christmas together. She had been a virgin...

For the first time since it had happened, she began to question whether or not she had made the right choice. She did love him, no doubt about that in her mind. When she had made the decision to join him, and then to go to his room, and then to let him go all the way, she had been comfortable that it was the right thing to do. Now, she wondered if she had been too impulsive, and now she had lost something she could never get back. Would she end up regretting what had happened for the rest of her life?

Everyone else slept, and Ginny pretended to be well rested when she rose, wishing she were able to use a refreshing charm outside of school. Still, makeup did help to cover the dark bags under her eyes. When everyone else reassembled in the kitchen for lunch, she got the impression that Sirius had not slept, either.

Harry didn't come down to join them, and stayed hidden the rest of the night, too. Ginny knew how he must feel. He probably thought he was growing evil, and that the only way things would be okay would be if he stayed away from everyone. It was the same reason why she had failed to make any friends her first year.

"Poor dear, he must be shaken up," Mrs. Weasley said worryingly. She took out a rag and began to wipe down the counters. It was her mother's instinct to clean everything in sight at the first sign of stress. "Where is Kreacher, that useless elf?"

Sirius had that haunted look in his eyes. Everyone was engaged in cheerful conversation, but he was looking distantly out the dim window at the approaching nightfall and stray snowflakes. His plate remained untouched after the two bites he had taken of his sandwich. A Firewhisky-and-Butterbeer drink sat in a glass clutched in his bony, pale hand. Ginny got the feeling that he could understand quite well what Harry was going through, too.

"I'm going up to bed," Ginny announced loudly, standing up.

Sirius looked up suddenly, his eyes intense with curiousity and then with understanding. He gave a faint nod, looking into Ginny's eyes. Puzzled, she returned it with a smile and a raise of her eyebrows.

Mrs. Weasley looked started at this announcement. "Oh! All right, dear... it's been a long night. I'll wake you in the morning for the hospital."

Ginny finally found sleep, with her mind peaceful and at ease.

The next morning, Ginny showered, twisted her hair into a bun, and put on a pair of dark pants and a green sweater. The pants were significantly looser on her than they had been several weeks earlier. She put on her makeup slowly, wanting to look good for no one in particular. She felt much older, now that she wasn't a virgin. Is older a good thing? she wondered.

When she went downstairs, she was mildly shocked to see Hermione, looking flustered as she removed her coat and scarf. Snowflakes were starting to melt into her curls.

"Oh Ginny!" she said. The two girls embraced and pulled away. "I'm so happy to hear that your father's okay! I just had to come. I'm not really into skiing, I mean the mountains are beautiful but you know what an athlete I am... I would have come regardless, you're all like family to me!"

Ginny just smiled and led Hermione into the kitchen, where she made her a cup of tea. She had grown very used to being just a listener in conversations with her friend, who never seemed to run out of things to say.

"How's Harry been holding up?" Hermione asked as they both sat at the table. Her brown eyes were full of concern.

Ginny never got a chance to answer, because just then, her brothers walked in. After exchanging surprised greetings with Hermione, Ron started to complain of Harry's recent moody behavior.

When Harry finally came out and talked to all of them, he was angry at the fact that they had been saying this. His reaction bothered Ginny greatly. It seemed so childish. Here she was, the only person who knew what it was to be possessed by him and lived to tell it, and he was too self-absorbed to realize it.

"I'm sorry... I forgot," he said sheepishly when she curtly reminded him of this.

"Lucky you," she said smoothly and coolly, wandering away. She needed time away from all of them, so she read a book she found in the parlor before they left for St. Mugno's.

Despite being brought up in a magic family, Ginny had only been to St. Mugno's when she had been born. She was amazed at the whole place. One of the few things she could see herself doing after school was becoming a healer. Seeing her father, though, was a different case. In her head, she knew that he would be fine, and that everything would go back to normal. Seeing him lying there, though, looking so frail and hooked up to machines was too much for her. After a short visit, she joined Tonks and Lupin in the waiting room.

Ever since she had returned home, she couldn't bear to look into her mother's eyes, and she had the same feeling when she visited Mr. Weasley. It was bad enough that she was having the forbidden relationship with the worst possible person, but now she was fourteen and having sex with him, too. They had raised her to always be honest, especially when it came to family. This was how she repaid them- through a web of lies she just kept getting more tangled in. Their innocent little baby wasn't so innocent anymore, and now she was twice a liar.

On her lap, she propped open a copy of Teen Witch Weekly for show, but her mind was going too many places for her to concentrate on the articles ('Which Skin Clearing Charms Really Work?') She nearly jumped out of her chair when Tonks spoke to her.

"You look so different, Ginny. Have you lost some weight?"

"I've lost a little something," she replied, turning the page.

---

The next morning was Christmas, and it felt too anticlimactic for Ginny. After the age of nine, the holiday had grown less exciting with every passing year. Especially without her father in the same house, and not being at the Burrow, it felt so meaningless.

Pretending to be excited, she and Hermione ripped open their packages. When she finished, she had a new Weasley sweater, several books from Hermione, quills and a pair of gloves from her brothers, candy from Harry, and Hag Repelling Hairspray from Luna. It was all very nice, but she would have given it all away for just a card from Draco. She knew it was too risky, though, to send anything to each other by post anymore, and she would have to wait until they were back in school. The silver and green tie she had bought him in Hogsmeade lay carefully wrapped on the bottom of her trunk in her dorm.

As usual, Mrs. Weasley prepared a large, extravagant Christmas breakfast. Ginny took a piece of dry toast and a large mug of coffee. While they were at the hospital the day earlier, Sirius had decorated his home up and down, and was walking around singing loud carols. It made Ginny so happy to finally see his spirits up.

When they were all preparing to leave to visit her father again, he turned gloomy once more. She couldn't blame him. For the first time in fifteen years, he had people to celebrate with, and they were all leaving him.

"See you later, Sirius," Ginny said, staring at him intently.

He looked back, eyes full of loneliness. "Yeah... see you later, kid."

Seeing her father in a hospital bed for the second time was even worse for her the second time. The guilt was eating at her more than ever. Ginny went back to the familiar waiting room, which was a lot less crowded than it had been the day before, given the holiday. She stretched out onto three chairs and started at the ceiling.

She didn't want to think about it, but it came anyway. Just what part did Lucius Malfoy play in this? She wondered how honest Draco had been when he had told her over and over again that he was not a part of it. Maybe he's been lying to me all along. Maybe he just wanted to get me into bed.

Harry came in alone and sat down next to her.

"Hey," Ginny said, sitting up. "What's up?"

Harry shrugged. He paused, then said, "You're the only person I feel comfortable with right now."

"There's nothing wrong with you, Harry," she said gently. "You shouldn't be avoiding people. Whatever's going on with you and You-Know-Who, it'll get figured out. You have so many smart, capable people on your side."

He nodded, looking straight ahead. His green eyes were far away, in a look oddly reminiscent of his godfather. "Thanks, Gin... I needed to hear that." He flashed her a small, almost flirtatious smile and gave her right thigh a pat before leaving again.

She sighed and lay down again, rubbing her temples. You wish, Harry. Of course, he had failed to notice her for three years, when she had spent hours dreaming of him, doodling his name next to hers and writing silly poems. Now, that she had one serious boyfriend and one just as a cover, he finally seemed to notice that she was of the opposite sex. No wonder he and Ron get on so well, she thought, remembering Hermione's own boy troubles.

---

Two days later, Sirius had become completely sullen, most likely because he would be alone again, with only Lupin for company. Even that would be interrupted for a week each month. Ginny avoided everyone, hiding out in the parlor with her new books. She had a lot of schoolwork to catch up on, but she had carelessly forgotten her schoolbag when she had hurried to leave her dorm.

Her mother came in around noon. "Ginny, dear, please come eat something. You've become so thin."

"In a minute, mum," she said, keeping her eyes on the book. She still couldn't look at her mother without feeling enormously guilty.

Ten minutes later, she wandered into the kitchen and took a piece of fruit. She was growing bored and restless. She thought of Buckbeak, and decided to go up and feed him. In the refrigerator, she found the container of raw meat just for him, abandoned her fruit, and headed upstairs.

Slowly, she opened the door, keeping her head up and preparing to bow. There was a loud squeak inside followed by two gasps, one of which came from her. She bowed, looking into the two yellow eyes, remembering to not get distracted. Buckbeak bowed back immediately, and then Ginny looked to see who else was in the room.

Sirius was sitting cross-legged on the floor, wearing faded baggy jeans and white t-shirt so worn, it was nearly transparent. "Close the door," he said in a bored voice, staring at Ginny.

"I'm sorry. Is it okay that I'm here? I just thought I would feed him." She shut the door behind herself and held up the container to show.

"It's fine. I could use some friendly company." Despite the sad look in his eyes, Sirius gave her a small smile.

Ginny sat down next to him on the carpet. Once she was up close, she could see how thin he was, the dark circles under his eyes, and the dark brown stubble along his jaw. Despite everything, he looked so young to her in there. He was only 35, but always seemed older.

Buckbeak began squawking impatiently. "Oh," Ginny said sheepishly, remembering why she had come in the first place. She opened the container and pushed it forward. The hippogriff devoured the contents and flapped its wings impatiently.

"He's tired of being locked up all the time. He needs to be free. It's driving him mad to be in this old house all the time." Sirius stood and walked over to the nightstand, which had been turned into a makeshift mini-bar. "Want a Firewhisky-and-Butterbeer?"

"Yes, please." He returned next to her and handed her a glass. She took a gulp, the familiar taste of the sweet drink mixed with the alcohol flooding her mouth. She had been stealing her parents' alcohol every now and then for a year, and sometimes Bill would let her have a drink with him.

"You never let the others drink," she remarked with a smirk.

He gave her a sly smile. "That's because I know they never have before. You're more mature than all of them, Gin, despite your age. You should be proud of that."

"Thank you," she said, flattered. They both sipped at their drinks for a while.

"Harry, the poor kid. He can't handle it. Must think he's going to hurt everyone, now. I know how that feels, and I know that you do too," Sirius muttered. He was watching Buckbeak, who was now hunting under the bed for scraps of food.

"Yeah," Ginny said. "As much as I knew it was... it was Tom, I still avoided everyone when all of that went on."

He nodded. "After... after James and Lily died, I knew it wasn't my fault. It hadn't been my secret to keep. But still, I found myself thinking all those what ifs. I was afraid that other people would get hurt, based on the all the choices I made. You know?"

"I know. He'll get over it, eventually." She paused, and then said, "It must be so hard for you, living like this. I mean, you're free, but are you really?"

Sirius nodded and didn't respond right away. "Anything is better than being there, though. The worst feeling is knowing you're innocent, but having to live as if you're guilty. You would think that getting out of prison would be freedom... but it's not. I'm still suffering."

She nodded, feeling even sorrier for him than she had. They had both finished their drinks already. Sirius rose and refilled them. "Thanks."

He sat a little closer when he sat back down, and looked right at Ginny. "How are you doing, dear? You seem so different- I know something's going on. You can't hide it, you know. Your mother may fall for that 'I'm not hungry' act, but I know better."

Sighing, she ran a hand through her long hair. "Oh... where can I even begin?"

Sirius's eyes sparkled. "If I am not very much mistaken, I would have to guess that the youngest Weasley is on love."

Color rushed to Ginny's cheeks. "How do you know?" she cried out. Being so thin, the alcohol was already getting to her. Besides, Sirius made his drinks strong.

Throwing back his head, Sirius let out a laugh. "I can always tell! So, tell me then, love, who's the lucky guy? And what's with all this sulking, if you're so in love?"

"Nuh uh! Not telling!" Ginny giggled and drained her glass. Sirius got up again and instead of refilling their drinks, he returned with the entire bottle of Firewhisky. They both took a shot and then let it rest between them. Sirius had starting beaming at her.

"It's that serious, then?" Noticing the pun, they both let out a laugh.

Nodding, Ginny said, "Yeah, he's a really great guy. He's good to me. I really love him." When she said it though, she couldn't help but feel as if she was lying. Somehow, her feelings for Draco had changed.

Is he really that great? You barely know him? Is he good to you? Or is that an act? Is he telling the truth to you, or to his father and his friends?

Do you love him, or is this just infatuation?

She had really started to doubt that her feelings were genuine. Her smile faltered slightly, but enough for Sirius to take notice.

"Hey now... what's the matter, then?"

Looking down, Ginny picked at the carpet. The feelings were all growing too strong for her to handle. On top of that, the secret of what she had done was ready to burst out of her, and she knew that if she didn't tell anyone soon, she would end up telling the wrong person. If anyone could understand her, it would be Sirius. He had already proven that to her. She took a long shot out of the bottle, feeling it burn down her throat and into her stomach, and then said slowly, "Sirius... how old were you when... when you first had sex? Did you love her?"

He let out a long, steady breath, and also took a shot. "Sixteen." He looked at her. "This means exactly what I think it does, huh?"

Biting her lip, Ginny nodded slightly. "Just the other day." She couldn't hold back the tears anymore. It was all too confusing for her. It was all too soon. "I let him do it, I thought I loved him, now I'm not sure at all!" She felt the warm tears running down her cheeks. Soon, she became hysterical, gasping for breath.

She closed her eyes and felt rather than watched as Sirius wrapped his arms around her body and drew her into his chest. "Oh, Gin, don't cry. It'll be okay. Please, don't cry. You're too pretty to cry like this." He ran one hand over her hair. The tears started to become less hysterical, and soon ceased to flow from her eyes. She took in a deep breath. He smelled like whiskey, but also like cologne.

She sat back wiped the last tears off of her cheeks. Sirius kept one arm wrapped around her back and kept her close to him. "So tell me, what's going on?"

"It's just... oh Sirius, I'm not sure at all if it was the right thing! I mean, I thought it was at the time, I thought I was in love with him, but I was obviously caught up in the moment and..." She waved a hand in the air. Sirius nodded with understanding.

She continued, "Now I'm remembering all the things my mother told me. Not until your married or at least until you can care for another life on your own! Always be sure before you say 'I Love You'. I realize that I am only fourteen, but I think I'm old enough to know what love is... I'm just not sure anymore if that's what it is! I'm so confused about everything!"

Sirius was silent for a moment as he thought. His fingers wrapped around her hip delicately. When he spoke, his voice was full of gentle caring that she had never heard before.

"Like I told you before, Gin, you're more mature than is to be expected at your age. You're way beyond your years, in maturity and in intelligence. That's no accident. You've been through horrors that the others couldn't understand, not even Harry, and you've gotten through it all on your own and turned out beautifully. I know you to be- no, you are a rational, intelligent, wonderful young woman. I would trust you with any decision you would make. You should learn to trust yourself. You're more reliable than you may think. You can't look back on this and feel guilty. What's done is done. What you can do, though, is really think about it until you're sure, and then see where it's going to go from here."

A smile broke through Ginny's tear-streaked cheeks. Whether or not he was right or wrong, it made her feel good. What he said spoke to her in just the way she needed to, and she was confident that he was right. For a minute, she thought about everything.

Whether or not she loved Draco, Ginny was no longer worried about. However, she knew that once she returned to Hogwarts, it would be better if they didn't see each other again for a little while. In his absence, she would really be able to know how she felt about him, and maybe gain a little more faith in what he said to her. Maybe they would get back together, maybe they wouldn't. It no longer mattered to her.

"You're right, Sirius. You're right about everything. Thank you," she whispered.

He pressed his lips onto her forehead. "You're welcome." Brief as the contact was, Ginny noticed how gentle and soft his lips felt. She wondered for an ephemeral moment what it would be like to kiss Sirius. He understood her, he had faith in her, and she trusted him. I am up for a new experience...

"You're sweet," she whispered. She gave him a kiss in return on the cheek. When she pulled away, she hovered dangerously close to his face. Looking into his brown eyes, she could see the desire. The grip he had on her hip grew tighter... she could feel his breath on her own lips...

Cursing under his breath, Sirius jumped up, causing Ginny to nearly fall over. She stood and watched him stride towards the window, his back to her. He looked outside and ran his hands through his hair, leaving them there. He muttered, half to himself and half to her. "It's wrong.... so wrong... maybe if I were younger... if you were older... if things were different..."

She turned bright red. What have I just done? "I'm so sorry. Oh God. I'm sorry. I have no idea what came over me!" she blurted out.

He shook his head back and forth, his back still to her. "Just forget it. This looks bad enough as it is. Get out of here, love. And don't let anyone see you until you've sobered up a little."

Ginny stumbled out of the room, shutting the door, and locked herself in the bedroom crying into the pillow the rest of the afternoon. She had never known herself to feel so dirty and cheap. She eventually fell asleep, and when she awoke in the middle of the night, she knew what to do.

---

Creak

What? What are you doing?

It's okay.

No, no, leave, leave now, leave me...

Relax. We both want the same thing.

It's not right...

We're both so lost, there is no right anymore.

You shouldn't be here...

Relax...

Ohhhhhhh

---

Ginny wanted to erase herself. For the remainder of the vacation, she hid away even more than she had been. It was too much. How could she have made so many wrong choices in just a week? She was so confused. She barely recognized herself anymore. She would look in the mirror and wonder, who is that girl? Who is that girl who ruins people, who pushes away her family, who denies love? Why doesn't she know who she is anymore? Where did she go?

They wouldn't look at each other, and she wouldn't look at anyone. If she looked them in the eyes, they would know that she was lost and ruining everyone's life.

He was on edge. He drank even more. When Snape came, he was even more agitated than he would have been. He was even colder with Harry. When it came time to go back to school, he barely said goodbye to his godson, let alone to anyone else.

I did that to him. What have I done? she wondered miserably.

Right before she went out the door, they locked eyes for the first time since it. She couldn't read his expression. She didn't care. It would be better, with her trying to go back to the way things had been, trying to repair the damage.

Where is Ginny Weasley? she thought over and over as the train sped back to Hogwarts.

---

[A/N- Thank you so, so much to everyone who reviewed my last chapter! As promised, this one is very long. I love this chapter, it's probably my favorite. I know, it's well... it may not sit well with everyone, but I love it anyway. Seriously, thank you for the kind words of encouragement! I appreciate it greatly =)]