By Didi
Disclaimer: Anyone out there that still thinks that I might actually own anything in association with this story after reading the other hundred disclaimers for every story I've ever written to have their reality checked for stalls. Thanks.
Timeline: I'm not even going to try to guess on this one now. Anything that was on the show beyond "With Grace" needs to be ignored and forgotten while reading this. Everything else… read the other chapters of this story for it. Thanks.
Rating: PG-13 boarding R
Author's Note: Okay, enough of the stalling. On with the story, right? (big grin)
Summary: What would you do in the name of love?
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Chapter Twenty~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'll only be a second, luv," Matt called over his shoulder as he jogged lightly up the stairs. It was almost nine in the evening now and he was feeling elated from a cheery weekend with Jules and her family. The gruesome Saturday morning meeting had turned into an event of celebration. Little Kevin was well on his way to a marrow transplant that will hopefully be the end of the chemotherapy that was slowly tearing his immune system apart.
Matt could not remember a time when he had been more happy just simply watching someone else happy for a change.
flashback
"Woo Hoooo…" Jenna took the last steps down the short flight leading into the hospital doors in a jump, pumping her arms in the air and looking ten years younger. Her bright green eyes flashed brightly as she began to do a silent dance in place, tapping her feet to some music only she could hear.
Jules was quick to follow, tossing her purse on the ground and joining her sister in the wiggling dance that left Matt and David laughing while little Kevin giggled from where he sat tired in his father's arms.
Nudging Matt with his elbow, David's eyes sparkled brightly as he nodded toward the crazy women before them. "That is more commonly known as the 'Happy Snoopy Dance,' only performed on special occasions and for limited times only." He laughed harder when the two sisters linked arms and began to whirls around each other. "And usually not in public."
Catching Jules because he was afraid she was going to fall, Matt took full advantage of her happiness and pressed a kiss on her laughing mouth. She didn't resist, in fact, fully participated in the enjoyment of the intimate touch. She included him in all the lovely aspects of her joy.
"Hey, hey, hey," David laughed and gave the two a light push as he passed his son to his wife. "We're the happy parents here, why do you two get to have all the fun?"
Matt smiled and held Jules lightly around the waist, watching the two sisters laugh and play. "Shall we celebrate then by having lunch? Not all together sure about yourselves but I believe I'm starved."
"Yes, yes," Jules turned around in his arms and twinkled up at him. "Let's eat, I'm so hungry."
"You're always hungry," Jenna complained as she snuggled her son. "She was a bottomless pit in college, nearly ate us out of house and home." Her face reflect her relieve, her joy, and her love. "But in this case, I agree with you. I was so nervous this morning, I couldn't even have coffee."
"Coffee…um…" Jules closed her eyes dreamily.
"Not for you, darling," Matt warned with a smile. "Not for another ten months."
David laughed as Jules groaned. "Jenna cheated."
"Only twice," Jenna said defensively.
"Twice too many, honey," David leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Hey, at least we didn't take away your cookies."
Jenna shuddered. "Nightmare of nightmares."
"Speaking of cookies," Matt said as they headed for the SUV parked on the far side of the parking lot. "You're going to have to cut back on your sugar intake from now on as well. No more cookies and M&M's on a whim." He made a mental note to hide the bag that's still in his car. She had insisted last evening while he pumped gas.
"I don't care," she waved it away as she picked up her nephew, nuzzling the little guy with delight. "I'd give up ice cream and chili fries if I can have an angel like Kevin."
"You will, my luv, you will," Matt assured her.
flashback
Jules has been on cloud nine since and he's been basking in her radiance. All weekend long, she had been a giddy teen on her first date, carefree and gloriously open with her affections for once. She was like another person yet was everything that made her the same woman that he had come to love. It was most perplexing to explain but most wonderful to watch.
Pulling out fresh shirts, Matt was startled by a pair of slim arm that wound its way around his waist and gave him a solid squeeze. Resting her cheek between his shoulder blades, "Did I thank you yet for coming with me this weekend?"
"No but there isn't any need to," he founded his arms over hers, enjoying he simple comfort of having her here with him. "I enjoyed myself immensely. It was perhaps even better than the Bed & Breakfast that I suggested."
"Next time," she promised, tiptoeing to drop a kiss on the nap of his neck. It was strange this new found freedom she's experiencing with him. It was nice… almost a little too nice. And it had been nice of him to go with her to deal with the family thing. Though she'd never admit it out loud, it gave her comfort having him there.
He was startled by the intimate touch but certainly wasn't displeased by it. Jules was beginning to free herself up to him, physically as well as emotionally, and it was a delightful experience. Her touch was like a spring shower, gently refreshing and beautiful. He'll never get tired of just holding her in his arms as he's done so all this weekend and having her come to him easily.
"You want to stay here for the night?" she murmured.
"What?"
"Here, sleep, bed," she said with a laugh as he turned to lean against drawer and face her. "I just thought that maybe you'd sleep better in your own bed. You haven't exactly rested much this weekend, what with Kevin taking such shine to you."
"I didn't mind, he was adorable. I can see why you'd move heaven and earth for him." He smiled and glanced at his bed. He had to admit, sleeping in his oversized bed would be preferably to her full size one. He was a tall man with a lot of need for leg room. But he'd sleep anywhere as long as she was there.
"I would," she admitted and glanced over her shoulders. "So, your bed?"
"If you don't mind."
"I don't," she said with a smile. "But I'll need to borrow a shirt."
"Pick any that you like, though I'd prefer you not wearing anything at all," he kissed her nose and moved to turn down the bed. She was right, he was exhausted. Kevin, even as ill as he was, ran circles around him all weekend. And Matt couldn't help but wish for an excitable child just as Kevin of his own. Never thought he'd have children one day, never wanted any, but now he couldn't wait for Jules and himself to be up at three in the morning to feed their own little one.
Jules watched Matt from where she was still standing by the dresser. To say that he had been wonderful this weekend would have been like saying Mount Fuji was just a mountain. He had been more than wonderful, helping with Kevin, getting all facts and tests lined up efficiently and logically at the hospital, pulling strings with the insurance company to cover costs, etc. This was the side of Matt that she's always enjoyed, the one that told her that here was a man that a person can trust because he cared, and when he cared, he gave it his all.
"Matt?"
"Yes?" he unbuttoned his shirt and sighed.
"Make me breakfast tomorrow?"
"Haven't I made you breakfast everyone morning since last… since you're last stay here?"
"Yes."
"So why would tomorrow be any different?"
"Because I'm asking this time."
He laughed and tossed pillows on the floor. This housekeeper had nagged him endlessly about the proper bed, which apparently included a mountain of pillows one had to toss on the ground every evening and pick up again in the morning. But Jules seemed to like it; at least she did the last time she was there. "What would you…"
Matt landed on the bed with an "Oaff…" and stared up at the women that had pushed him there. "Um… darling, is there…" all mental process shut down as Jules climbed on the bed and straddled his hip with a smile.
"I was thinking…"
"I'm glad one of us still can."
Her laugh rained upon him like sparkles of fairy dust. She leaned down and touched her lips to his for a moment. "I'm thinking that studies show embryos embed themselves pretty firmly in the linings of the uterus after the first forty-eight hours of implantation."
Sable brows rose, "And when had you plan on sharing that little study fact with me?"
Her shoulders made a wiggling motion. "I'm telling you about it now."
Resting his hands on her thigh, he looked up at her, silently asking her what she wanted. His body burned at the thought that this may be the end of the nightly torture he gladly endures, holding her in his arms and not being able to show her how much he wanted her, needed her. The cold showers in the morning helped to ease some of the suffering. But it was worth it, to see that look of sincere affection in her eyes when she woke and knew that he suffered. And now… now she had effectively lit a fire within him that only she could tame.
The simplest answer Jules could give him was to remove all possibility of speech. She flowed over him like water on silk, smooth and wondrous. It was as if someone up above had made her just for him. And perfection was the goal they had aimed for and achieved.
It was hours later, when the full moon was shining brightly from the window that Matt woke from a sleep that had been full of dreams of fairy queens and night magic. Sighing, he was briefly bemused by this strange calming contentment that settled across him like a bath of warmth. Looking down at the woman in his arms, he wondered if he was becoming a little too old-womanish over this. It wasn't like him to wax poetry and bend over backwards. But of course, he's never quite been hit between the eyes or in the heart so hard and with no defenses against it.
In a matter of months from now, there was going to be new life between them, a life that would forever hold their lives together as assuredly as… His mind did a little summersault on the idea of the big "M" word.
And yet he wasn't the least bit afraid of it. Had anyone asked him whether marriage was in his future plans, the answer would have been a firm and resounding "No." But that was last month; that was when he thought that his chances of being with Julia Keating had been slim to impossible. That had been before her want of a child, his child. Now, anything was possible.
Dropping a kiss on her adorably upturned nose, "I love you."
He was wearing a grin as wide as the moon as he pulled Jules closer, snuggling with her as he fell back asleep, dreaming of white veils and baby carriages. He didn't feel Jules pull closer, bury her nose against his chest and murmuring softly in her sleep, "I love you too."
~~~~
"Good morning."
"Good morning," Harriet's glasses came off as she took in Jules's cheerful grin and sparkling eyes. "Someone had a good weekend."
"Someone certainly did," she replied as she picked up her charts.
It bothered Dr. Lenning a great deal to have to kill that good mood of hers. "Do you have a few moments? I still have to meet with you."
"Oh," looking a little surprised. Glancing at her charts, "I've got ten right now if we need it."
"Ten will do," she said, glancing at her watch. She couldn't put this off any longer. It wasn't fair to Jules if she did. Grabbing the in-house phone, "Bonnie, push by appointments back 10 minutes. I'm taking a meeting with Dr. Keating in her office right now. Thank you." She took a deep breath to prepare herself then turned to Jules, who was regarding her oddly. "Shall we?"
"Let's," and lead the way into her toy wonderland of an office. She had already seen a crib and playpen set in a catalogue that she wanted to purchase when the baby comes. She had no intention of spending all day away from her child and fully intended to work something out where she could bring her baby into her office. "What's up? I thought the Friday meeting was a consultation that was taken care of when I didn't show."
"It wasn't. Sit down." Harriet pulled out one of the seat across from the desk and motion to the one next to her. She didn't want this to be a patient-doctor meeting though it was. This was difficult enough from friend to friend without the added emotional detachment that a doctor is forced to exhibit when delivering news. Lord how she hated those times.
Lowering herself uneasily into the gray/maroon stripped chairs, the only sobering colors in the room, Dr. Keating eyed her friend carefully. "Okay Harriet, you are officially scaring me now."
"I'm sorry," Dr. Lenning murmured, trying to carefully phrase her words. "Jules, have you heard anything about the power failure last week?"
Whatever it was that Jules was expecting this wasn't it. "Yeah, Jackie mentioned it last week and that chances were that someone's head was going to fall for it. Kokoris was pissed off because he had to delay surgery due to it."
"Yes, I had heard that our dear surgeon kicked up a fuss at the administration hearing on this matter. And yes, two lab techs were let go to calm the backlash of this." She should know, she had insisted after a roaring roll with several directors. She was not one to loose her temper but when she did, it was quite a sight.
"Ouch," Jules made a face, feeling sympathy for the fired techs. "That's rough."
"Not a choice," she murmured and took a deep breath. "There were several specimens that came through that day that were compromised."
Jules seemed to recall Dr. Kokoris mentioning something about Harriet being one of the few that was going to feel that major fallout of the technicians' oversight. "Oh shit, are you sure?"
"Positive," watching for signs of realization.
"Oh god that's got to be…" the way Harriet was looking at her was making her stomach sink to the region just below her ankle. "Harriet, why are you telling me…" But she already knew the answer to that question. It didn't a brain surgeon to understand the implications of why Dr. Lenning was sitting here, looking at her with painfully apologetic eyes. "Oh god, no. No!"
The dawning horror was almost too much to watch. Harriet retreated into her doctor's demeanor. "I'm sorry, Jules."
"No, no, no…. NO!" she was on her feet and pacing the room by the time the last 'no' came out. Hands fisted at her side, Jules looked around the room for something to concentrate on instead of the sickening feeling that her world was coming apart at the seams. "Tell me what happened."
"Jules…"
"Tell me what happened." Her voice was sharp, sharper than she had intended.
"You know what happened," Harriet said, feeling the sting. She knew that this wasn't her fault, it wasn't anyone's fault really… well, maybe the technicians but it is what it is. "Lab eight was without power for several hours. Yours embryo was among several specimens that I had stored there. It was without cooling for at least thirteen hours, making it an unviable specimen for usage."
I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry. Jules took a deep breath and looked out the window, watching the gray-blue sky reflect her mood. She was a doctor; she understood these kinds of things happening. It wasn't exactly out of the realm of possibility that the first time won't take and that she'd have to… Damn it, damn it, damn it. "There's no chance that…"
"You know better than anyone," Harriet managed to say without flinching.
Nodding her head because she most certainly did, Jules refused to give into the overwhelming need to rage at something, at someone for this. Heaviness sat solidly in her chest, making breathing a task she had to concentrate on. "Thank you for telling me."
"I'm sorry," which seemed like such a useless thing to say given what had just happened, especially since she understood why Jules needed this baby. "If we put you back on the hormone therapy immediately…"
"You know that my body won't be able to tolerate it well." And it killed her to know that. "I'll have to wait at least three months to try again."
"Ascending doses have been shown to…"
Shaking her head, Jules turned to look at her friend, "Thank you but I don't think that'll be necessary. It's not as urgent now anyways. Kevin found a donor this weekend; they're prepping for surgery by end of this week."
Though it didn't elevate all the problems, Harriet felt gladdened by the news. "Thank God for some things."
Jules nodded, because she knew that it was genuine concern in Harriet's eyes. "We'll try again at another time."
There was something utterly defeated in her tone. "You sure?"
"Yeah," she said quietly. "It's not like I have a whole lot of choices anyways."
Getting up slowly, she approached her friend. "I'm sorry," opening her arms out to the younger woman.
Jules face crumbled as she accepted the comfort from a friend and a mother.
~~~~
"I feel like a bloody herd of elephants stomped along my spine," Dr. Slingerland groaned as he dropped himself into the chair across from Kokoris's bent head. "Why do people wait until they are in need of intensive care to come into the damn hospital? Are we really that frightful?"
Kokoris laughed and continued his notes. "It would appear that way, wouldn't it? I've got one for you: forty-eight year old male, suffers from heart palpations, collapses in the middle of his daughter's graduation and is rushed into the hospital. When questioned by Dr. Jordan as to how long he's been having flutters, he replied several years now."
"And he never had it checked out?"
"Apparently not."
"Brilliant," Matt replied dryly.
"And the man was a professor at SFU," Nick added with grim amusement.
"And these are the people we entrust our youth with…" the soft chuckle was covered by the entrance of one tired doctor and one overly cheerful plastic surgeon. "Well hello ladies."
"Hey ya boys, what's shaking?" Jackie Colette helped herself to the coffee that was generously provided and always ready to be pour. "Six botox cases and I'm still kicking." Though she wanted to kick several of her patients as well for their idiotic ideas as to what beauty should be.
"Anything new in the plastic surgery world you'd care to share with the peanut gallery?" Nick asked cheerfully as he made more notes on the charts before him.
"Nothing that will wow you, but I'll keep you informed," she grinned and glanced at Harriet Lenning, the other doctor that had made her way in to slump on the sofa. "Need a little-pick-me-up, Dr. Lenning?"
"I need something a little stronger than coffee after the day I've had and it's not even over yet," Harriet closed her eyes and let out a breath. She's got the next fifteen minute to get a second wind before heading off to an administrative meeting, a task she dreaded like no other.
"I've got a nice bottle of Scotch in my office if you're in dire need of a stiff drink," Matt offered with a laugh. That bottle had been sitting in his office for nearly three years now, a welcome present from Dr. Lenning.
Harriet opened her eyes and looked at Dr. Slingerland for a moment, her face devoid of all emotions. "Matt, have you seen Jules today?"
"Not since breakfast," possibly the most enjoyable meal of the day. This morning had been nothing short of a dream come true, and he had thought nothing could top Jules's first night with him. After a quick shower, he was surprised to find that Jules had made him breakfast. It was the most horrible breakfast he has ever had to endure but she had made it for him. "Why?"
Holding the wince that she wanted to make, "Will you be off soon?"
"I'm off now, why?" suddenly noticing that the doctor's eyes held a hint of… sympathy? Why would that be?
"What time does Jules get off today?" Harriet asked, her eyes closing once more.
"In ten minutes I believe," Matt glanced at Kokoris who was staring at Dr. Lenning with unabated curiosity.
Nick put his pen down slowly. "Dr. Lenning? Is something that matter?"
She shook her head slowly, thanking Jackie as the plastic surgeon handed her coffee in a mug with a silly cat on it; one of Jules's. "Nothing I can discuss."
"But something I need to know?" Matt asked, sitting a little straighter now. All thoughts of crazy patients went out the door. "Has something happened to Jules?"
Morals and ethics warred with one another for a moment as Harriet debated the problem in her head again. There was simply not easy way to do this, either way she was going to lose. "I think it would be wise if you find Jules immediately."
Opening his mouth to ask why, Matt was greeted with a firm shake of the head. Whatever was happening, this would be the end of what Dr. Lenning was willing to discuss with him. Accepting that she has her own problems to deal with, he got up and left without another world. All sorts of thoughts passed through Matt's mind as he made his way toward the stairwell. On top of that list was the fact that Jules's health hasn't been too great of late and the hospital floor tends to be a little slipper and…. He was at a run before he reached the stairs. The two minute flight up the stairs took all of five seconds this time and he was almost out of breath by the time he ran pass a startled Anita.
He entered her office without preamble.
She was sitting in the half darkened office, her eyes blankly staring out the window. His abrupt entrance didn't even register in her universe. He stood in the doorway, unsure as to how to proceed for a moment before his professional training kicked in. Closing the door softly, he waited a beat before approaching her. His heart clinched painfully tight as he knelt by her side, looking at her expressionless face with concern. As a doctor he knew how to handle people in pain, in shock, but as a man… He could still see her smiling across his breakfast counter this morning, laughing at his suggestion that she go to work in the blue dress shirt she had borrowed from his closet.
"What happened?"
Eyes unblinking, she turned to stare blankly at him. "Hi. What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see you," he lied and touched her face. She didn't even react. "What's the matter?"
She continued to stare at him, lacking all emotions. "I'm so tired."
For a moment, Matt wasn't sure if she was lying to him to avoid the question or if she was simply so lost in whatever it was that she was lost in to answer him. The glassy eye stare answered the question. "I can see that," brushing her hair from her face. "You want to go home? I left a note for Bea to make dinner if you'd like to eat at my place." They had decided earlier that they would spend the next few nights separate to test this new relationship.
Looking down, she stared at their joint hands frowning as if confused by how he had managed to link his fingers with hers without her noticing. She didn't pull away. If anything, she tightened her grip. "Dinner sounds good but I can't leave just yet. I've still got paper work."
"Leave them until tomorrow."
"I can't," she rubbed her thumb over his hand. "I've got a patient going into surgery tomorrow." She raised their joint hands and rubbed them against her cheek. The physical contact felt good. It felt solid, felt real. "Matt…"
"What happened today, Jules?" He asked again, tilting her face toward his gently with a finger. Her quietness was disturbing to say the least. "Tell me what happened."
She stared at him, something flashing across her glaze painfully. Matt held his breath. He could feel the hammer coming down hard. "You heard about the lab failure last week?"
"Snip bits from the halls. There were non talks of it for several days," he answered, shaking his head in confusion. The dread was only getting worse since she was evading the question. "Why?"
The hesitation was only a heartbeat but it felt like a lifetime. "The embryo was one of the contaminated specimens."
An invisible three hundred pound sumo wrestler just put his foot into Matt Slingerland's stomach, or least that's the way it felt. The heaviness that squeezed his heart made breathing difficult as he continued to stare not at all sure he heard correctly. But it made sense in an odd manner and all the other pieces fell into place. The unreal-ness of it, the way she said it, with such calm finality, was frightening. "When did you find out?"
"This morning."
Morning; several hours ago. She's been dealing with this alone for several hours now. "Why didn't you come find me?"
She turned her face away. "I…"
"Didn't you think I'd want to know?" hurt didn't even begin to describe how he felt. Beyond the fact that there was no baby, an idea that he had only just begun to find horribly appealing, he didn't understand why she won't share her pain with him.
She didn't look at him, couldn't really. "I didn't know how to tell you."
He reached out and took her chin, forcing her to face him once more. She was a terrible liar at best and he wanted to see the truth in her eyes. "Why?"
Fighting the urge to cry, "I didn't know how you'd react," she admitted with her throat closing in on her. One down side of having an overly active imagination was that she tented to over think things, good or bad; and in the hours that have follow the news, her mind had concocted several scenarios that she never wanted to play out. "I didn't know what you'd do."
He didn't think that anything could hurt any worse than her not being able to turn to him for comfort but this… oh this most assuredly hurt worse. Not know how he was going to react, what he would do? Did she think him a monster? Did she think that he would rant and rave and… His temper, an awesome thing when roused, rose to an eruption when he saw the look in her eyes. He choked on his own disbelief. "Are you afraid of me, Jules?"
Soft read hair swing side to side.
"Are you lying to me right now?"
Eyes wide and uncertain tore at Matt's soul.
Heart jumping to vie for the position where his Adams apple was, Matt's hand cupped her face. He searched her eyes for a moment, making sure he had her undivided attention. "I need you to get this through your thick skull: I am not leaving. Can you understand that?" he gave her a gentle shake as if to settle it into her head. "With or without a baby, I am here to stay. Are we clear?"
Jules stared at him. For a moment, he wasn't sure she was seeing him at all.
"Jules?"
She leaned forward, putting her arms around his him as she did so, and rested her head against his neck. There was a silence that was as heavy as a boulder. Matt tightened his arms around her, feeling something that feels remarkably like fear, and waited. A lifetime later, he felt something hit his shoulder. Then another… and another…
She was crying.
"Let it out, luv."
Every tear was like a little knife in his soul. He ached from head to foot, so deep that he wasn't sure he could ever recover as she sobbed for the lost of something that wasn't even there to begin with. If he could exchanged his very being to take away that god awful heartache that he could hear in her muffled screams of anguish he would in a heartbeat.
"Hold me, Matt," she hiccupped against his ear with a raw throat. She was shaking from head to foot. "I'm so scared," a fresh wave of tear cracking her voice as she buried her face against this neck again. "I don't know if I can..."
"Lean on me, darling." He squeezed her just a little tighter though there not a breath between them. "I can be strong for both of us."
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To be Continue….
(Did that feel a little abrupt to you?)