Michelle slept for about ten minutes after crying herself into sleep. How could she sleep? How could she be so selfish as to sleep when Craig was dead? 'Dead? I just don't get it. I loved him so much. And I thought he loved me too. Why would he leave me like this? How could he have done that….to me…to himself. Ahh! Craig! Why!'
Michelle didn't sleep all night. And the following day, she didn't bother to go to school. She stayed in bed all day, and only got out twice. Once to go to the bathroom, and once to pick up the phone. Caitlin had called. She was informing Michelle about the funeral that would take place the following day. Michelle took in all the information, but didn't really register it. She didn't register anything. She didn't register the fact that her mom cared enough to take the entire day off. That didn't matter though, Michelle hadn't spoken a word since the nigh before. Somewhere around six pm, Michelle fell asleep. She slept until two in the morning. When she woke up, she tried to remember what happened the day before. 'Okay, I stayed in bed', she thought, 'Caitlin called. Funeral at whatever church, give eulogy, go to the house an hour before the funeral…wait, I'm giving Craig's eulogy? It's the least I can do.'
"God?" Michelle said aloud.
"I know you are up there. And I know you are down here. You are everywhere. And I know you have seen Craig. Could you tell him…something for me? Just….just tell him I love him, and miss him. And that…nothing…maybe…" She was choking up to the point where she just couldn't speak anymore, so she stopped. She thought about working on a eulogy, but she didn't need a piece of paper to tell her what to say. Everything she would say would come from her heart. Although it was so early in the morning, Michelle couldn't go back to sleep. So she picked out clothes to wear. Soft, black sweater, 'Craig's favorite', nice, pin-striped skirt. She put her hand to her face. Tears were somehow still pouring out. She hadn't stopped crying since….since she got to the hospital that sorrowful night. Michelle began thinking about Angie. 'How will she understand? She's barely seven. This is going to kill her. Like it is doing to me. And what about Craig? Is he happy, where ever he is? All I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I lost him….I lost my best friend…so…' Michelle covered her mouth so her sobs wouldn't wake anyone. At 7 in the morning, Michelle went and took a shower. The water was scolding but she couldn't feel it. She couldn't feel anything. She went to her room and slowly dressed. Aimlessly, restlessly, and lifelessly, she walked down the steps, grabbed her coat, and put it on. She could hear his voice as she did this.
"You know, Michelle, that coat makes you look like and Eskimo."
But when she looked around, he wasn't there. Like most everything, that was just a memory. She opened the door and walked outside. It was a calm day. Cold, but no wind. Robotic-like, she walked to the Jeremiah household. She knocked on the door, as she done so many times in the past. She even half expected Craig to answer the door, like he always did. With a loving smile on his face. But it wasn't Craig who answered the door. It was Joey. When he opened the door Michelle burst into tears and gave him a hug. She could tell he had been crying just as much as she had. When they let go, Michelle just looked around.
"Michelle, I have….I mean, Craig….he left something. For you. I'm going to go get it."
Michelle nodded. She then saw Angie sitting at the kitchen counter, staring at the microwave. Michelle slowly went over to her and sat down next to her.
"That's Craig's seat," the seven year old whispered. "I'm saving it for him."
Michelle got out of the chair and rubbed Angela's back. It was going to be really tough on her. Michelle went and sat on the couch. Joey slowly came down the stairs and went to Michelle. He held out an envelope to her.
"No one opened it." He said.
Michelle took it. Joey left her to herself. She slowly looked it over. Her name was inscribed on the back. She slowly opened it, and pulled out a piece of paper. It was a letter.
'Dear Michelle,
I love you. I never want you to forget that. I love you more than anyone loves anyone else. More than it is humanly possible. My heart was as cold as ice before you came. And each day, a layer of ice melted. You made me feel alive. You made all of the ice melt. You made me happy. What I'm going to do is selfish. Michelle, I'm not a strong person. I have a weak spirit, and I can only take so much. I have a lot of pain in my life. But what hurts the most is knowing that I am making life worse for you. That I am causing you pain. Because of me, you lost friends. People that don't even know you hate you. Rumors were started about you. Because of me. I couldn't take that. I was terrified of the thought of you leaving me. I chase everyone away. You remember what Ashley said. She was right. I didn't want to chase you away. I didn't want to ruin you, like I had done to everyone else. I have to save you. I know what your thinking. This isn't your fault. You didn't do this to me, I did. I know I screwed things up in the past, and I was trying to make things better. But I couldn't. I want you to know…no, I need you to know, that you are the only person I am ever happy with. Please forgive me for how I have wronged you so. You can make me stop worrying about what I did, and what I might do in the future. I know you hurt. But everything you ever said to me will stay with me forever. And I hope everything I said to you will stay with you forever. You are beautiful. You are a good person. You are going to have a great life. I will always being watching out for you. I will always be loving you. Every second of your life. One day we will meet again. But do as I say, not as I do, Michelle. Be happy. Be loved. Live. For me. Love Always and Forever,
Craig
As she read the note, she could hear Craig's voice in her head, reading it to her. She got it. She finally got it. She was about to get up and throw the envelope away when she felt something hard in it. She pulled it out. It was a picture. Of her and Craig sleeping on the couch she was currently sitting on. She called for Joey. As she held the picture, she gave him a questioning look.
"Angie and I…took pictures of you when we found you one day. I guess Craig found them before I got a chance to show him." Joey was choking up. He left the room. Michelle looked over the picture. Her sleeping form resting on Craig's sleeping form was the greatest thing she had ever seen. She ran her fingers across the picture, and then held it to her heart. She put the letter and picture back inside the envelope, then went and put it in her coat pocket. Caitlin came into sight holding Angie's hand.
"Are you ready?"
"I'll never be ready," Michelle muttered.
Joey came back into sight. They all grabbed their coats and headed for Joey's car. Angela sat with Michelle in the back, holding her hand. No one spoke on the ride to the church. The snow had mostly melted, so it was slushy. But it was still cold out. They pulled into the parking lot of a small church. Reluctantly, they all climbed out of the car, Michelle starting to tear up again as she did so. She still hadn't stopped crying, and she wondered if she ever would. The all stood in front of the church, taking deep breaths. Michelle grabbed Angie's hand, Angie grabbed Joey's hand, and Joey' grabbed Caitlin's hand. They walked up the steps of the stairs, hands held for moral support. As they entered the church, Michelle took in the scene. No one was seated yet. A lot of people were there. All talking, but not loudly. Michelle looked up front. A large school picture of Craig and a floral arrangement were on a table. There was also a coffin. An open coffin. HIS open coffin. Everyone stopped talking when they entered the church. They walked to the front. The family always sits in the front pew, and Michelle was considered family. They were seated. Everyone else followed suit. Michelle could see the side of Craig's face from where she was. She didn't bother to wipe her eyes, it wouldn't make her stop crying. Nothing would. Michelle didn't really listen on what the priest was saying. She tried, but she couldn't focus on anything except the thought and sight of the love of her life, dead. Every now and then she clued in on the words "God" "Righteous" "Forever Being" "Craig Manning" "Loved" "Devoted" "Better Place" but that's about it. She didn't need to listen. She knew what the priest would say. How God acts in mysterious ways, and how Craig was a good guy. But he didn't know Craig. Not the way Michelle did. Not at all. She heard her name, and looked at the priest. He nodded, signifying it was time for her to go up there. She stood. And silently walked up the four steps, and stood behind the podium the priest had been behind a minute before. She could hear people gasp at the sight of her. She knew how she looked. Tired, too thin.
"I…I haven't slept in three days. I Haven't eaten either. Really, the only…the only thing I've done is cry. I didn't think it was possible to cry forever, but now I realize it just might be. I also didn't think it was possible to love someone as much as I loved….still love, Craig. I never knew really happiness until I was with him. And every moment we were together, was….they were indescribable moments. And I would give my life to have them back. But things don't work like that. Craig made some mistakes in his life. They were forgivable mistakes," Michelle looked up, and saw Manny and Ashley walk in silently. Then it hit her. They did it. It was them. He was dead, because of them. She continued with a force unknown to man kind. "But some people wouldn't forgive him. Some people made sure that he suffered." She looked right at them, now directing her speech to them. "What was the last thing you said to him, you conniving bitch?" Everyone turned to see who Michelle was looking at. Manny and Ashley were standing near the door. " Huh? What was it? Oh wait, didn't you tell him that everyone would be better off if he had never moved here? Thanks Ashley, thanks a lot. I hope you're happy. Look at the people in this church. You want to talk about ruining lives? You ruined all of theirs. You ruined mine. You ruined Joey's. You ruined poor Angela's. You want to know the last thing I said to him? I told him I loved him. I told him that every day. Because he needed to hear it. He needed to know he was loved. And he was. More than he will ever know. More than anyone will ever know." Michelle stepped down. She started walking at a brisk pace, straight to where Ashley and Manny were standing. She stood in front of Ashley, her vision blurred from the tears.
"I hope this hangs over your head forever."
"Michelle, I'm so-"
Michelle wouldn't hear it. She swung. And when her fist connected with Ashley's face, Michelle didn't feel two of her knuckles fracture. But you can bet Ashley felt her cheek bone crack as she went stumbling backwards. Michelle left it at that. She slowly walked back to her seat as she heard the doors open and close, knowing Manny and Ashley had left. A half hour later, they were outside. For the burial portion. Again, the priest talked. It didn't register with Michelle. She just stood there. Looking down. Knowing Craig was six feet under in a box, and soon the hole would be filled up with dirt. One by one, people left. they left until only Michelle, Angela, Caitlin, and Joey were there standing. The Caitlin took Angela home.
"Michelle. We should go." Joey said.
"No. I can't."
"Michelle, he isn't going anywhere."
"Tell me something I don't know."
"It will stop hurting."
"Go home to your family, Joey."
"I can take you home if you ne-"
"Joey. Go."
He understood. Joey had been the same way when his wife died. He left her. Everyone was gone. Just Michelle, standing at the side of Craig's freshly dug grave.
"They left me too, Craig. People don't only leave you. They leave me. You left me. Why? Why did you leave me? Didn't you think about what it would do to me? How it would tear me down? You make me want to hate you. But I can't. I love you too much."
She kissed her hand and the placed her hand in his engraved name.
Michelle didn't sleep all night. And the following day, she didn't bother to go to school. She stayed in bed all day, and only got out twice. Once to go to the bathroom, and once to pick up the phone. Caitlin had called. She was informing Michelle about the funeral that would take place the following day. Michelle took in all the information, but didn't really register it. She didn't register anything. She didn't register the fact that her mom cared enough to take the entire day off. That didn't matter though, Michelle hadn't spoken a word since the nigh before. Somewhere around six pm, Michelle fell asleep. She slept until two in the morning. When she woke up, she tried to remember what happened the day before. 'Okay, I stayed in bed', she thought, 'Caitlin called. Funeral at whatever church, give eulogy, go to the house an hour before the funeral…wait, I'm giving Craig's eulogy? It's the least I can do.'
"God?" Michelle said aloud.
"I know you are up there. And I know you are down here. You are everywhere. And I know you have seen Craig. Could you tell him…something for me? Just….just tell him I love him, and miss him. And that…nothing…maybe…" She was choking up to the point where she just couldn't speak anymore, so she stopped. She thought about working on a eulogy, but she didn't need a piece of paper to tell her what to say. Everything she would say would come from her heart. Although it was so early in the morning, Michelle couldn't go back to sleep. So she picked out clothes to wear. Soft, black sweater, 'Craig's favorite', nice, pin-striped skirt. She put her hand to her face. Tears were somehow still pouring out. She hadn't stopped crying since….since she got to the hospital that sorrowful night. Michelle began thinking about Angie. 'How will she understand? She's barely seven. This is going to kill her. Like it is doing to me. And what about Craig? Is he happy, where ever he is? All I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I lost him….I lost my best friend…so…' Michelle covered her mouth so her sobs wouldn't wake anyone. At 7 in the morning, Michelle went and took a shower. The water was scolding but she couldn't feel it. She couldn't feel anything. She went to her room and slowly dressed. Aimlessly, restlessly, and lifelessly, she walked down the steps, grabbed her coat, and put it on. She could hear his voice as she did this.
"You know, Michelle, that coat makes you look like and Eskimo."
But when she looked around, he wasn't there. Like most everything, that was just a memory. She opened the door and walked outside. It was a calm day. Cold, but no wind. Robotic-like, she walked to the Jeremiah household. She knocked on the door, as she done so many times in the past. She even half expected Craig to answer the door, like he always did. With a loving smile on his face. But it wasn't Craig who answered the door. It was Joey. When he opened the door Michelle burst into tears and gave him a hug. She could tell he had been crying just as much as she had. When they let go, Michelle just looked around.
"Michelle, I have….I mean, Craig….he left something. For you. I'm going to go get it."
Michelle nodded. She then saw Angie sitting at the kitchen counter, staring at the microwave. Michelle slowly went over to her and sat down next to her.
"That's Craig's seat," the seven year old whispered. "I'm saving it for him."
Michelle got out of the chair and rubbed Angela's back. It was going to be really tough on her. Michelle went and sat on the couch. Joey slowly came down the stairs and went to Michelle. He held out an envelope to her.
"No one opened it." He said.
Michelle took it. Joey left her to herself. She slowly looked it over. Her name was inscribed on the back. She slowly opened it, and pulled out a piece of paper. It was a letter.
'Dear Michelle,
I love you. I never want you to forget that. I love you more than anyone loves anyone else. More than it is humanly possible. My heart was as cold as ice before you came. And each day, a layer of ice melted. You made me feel alive. You made all of the ice melt. You made me happy. What I'm going to do is selfish. Michelle, I'm not a strong person. I have a weak spirit, and I can only take so much. I have a lot of pain in my life. But what hurts the most is knowing that I am making life worse for you. That I am causing you pain. Because of me, you lost friends. People that don't even know you hate you. Rumors were started about you. Because of me. I couldn't take that. I was terrified of the thought of you leaving me. I chase everyone away. You remember what Ashley said. She was right. I didn't want to chase you away. I didn't want to ruin you, like I had done to everyone else. I have to save you. I know what your thinking. This isn't your fault. You didn't do this to me, I did. I know I screwed things up in the past, and I was trying to make things better. But I couldn't. I want you to know…no, I need you to know, that you are the only person I am ever happy with. Please forgive me for how I have wronged you so. You can make me stop worrying about what I did, and what I might do in the future. I know you hurt. But everything you ever said to me will stay with me forever. And I hope everything I said to you will stay with you forever. You are beautiful. You are a good person. You are going to have a great life. I will always being watching out for you. I will always be loving you. Every second of your life. One day we will meet again. But do as I say, not as I do, Michelle. Be happy. Be loved. Live. For me. Love Always and Forever,
Craig
As she read the note, she could hear Craig's voice in her head, reading it to her. She got it. She finally got it. She was about to get up and throw the envelope away when she felt something hard in it. She pulled it out. It was a picture. Of her and Craig sleeping on the couch she was currently sitting on. She called for Joey. As she held the picture, she gave him a questioning look.
"Angie and I…took pictures of you when we found you one day. I guess Craig found them before I got a chance to show him." Joey was choking up. He left the room. Michelle looked over the picture. Her sleeping form resting on Craig's sleeping form was the greatest thing she had ever seen. She ran her fingers across the picture, and then held it to her heart. She put the letter and picture back inside the envelope, then went and put it in her coat pocket. Caitlin came into sight holding Angie's hand.
"Are you ready?"
"I'll never be ready," Michelle muttered.
Joey came back into sight. They all grabbed their coats and headed for Joey's car. Angela sat with Michelle in the back, holding her hand. No one spoke on the ride to the church. The snow had mostly melted, so it was slushy. But it was still cold out. They pulled into the parking lot of a small church. Reluctantly, they all climbed out of the car, Michelle starting to tear up again as she did so. She still hadn't stopped crying, and she wondered if she ever would. The all stood in front of the church, taking deep breaths. Michelle grabbed Angie's hand, Angie grabbed Joey's hand, and Joey' grabbed Caitlin's hand. They walked up the steps of the stairs, hands held for moral support. As they entered the church, Michelle took in the scene. No one was seated yet. A lot of people were there. All talking, but not loudly. Michelle looked up front. A large school picture of Craig and a floral arrangement were on a table. There was also a coffin. An open coffin. HIS open coffin. Everyone stopped talking when they entered the church. They walked to the front. The family always sits in the front pew, and Michelle was considered family. They were seated. Everyone else followed suit. Michelle could see the side of Craig's face from where she was. She didn't bother to wipe her eyes, it wouldn't make her stop crying. Nothing would. Michelle didn't really listen on what the priest was saying. She tried, but she couldn't focus on anything except the thought and sight of the love of her life, dead. Every now and then she clued in on the words "God" "Righteous" "Forever Being" "Craig Manning" "Loved" "Devoted" "Better Place" but that's about it. She didn't need to listen. She knew what the priest would say. How God acts in mysterious ways, and how Craig was a good guy. But he didn't know Craig. Not the way Michelle did. Not at all. She heard her name, and looked at the priest. He nodded, signifying it was time for her to go up there. She stood. And silently walked up the four steps, and stood behind the podium the priest had been behind a minute before. She could hear people gasp at the sight of her. She knew how she looked. Tired, too thin.
"I…I haven't slept in three days. I Haven't eaten either. Really, the only…the only thing I've done is cry. I didn't think it was possible to cry forever, but now I realize it just might be. I also didn't think it was possible to love someone as much as I loved….still love, Craig. I never knew really happiness until I was with him. And every moment we were together, was….they were indescribable moments. And I would give my life to have them back. But things don't work like that. Craig made some mistakes in his life. They were forgivable mistakes," Michelle looked up, and saw Manny and Ashley walk in silently. Then it hit her. They did it. It was them. He was dead, because of them. She continued with a force unknown to man kind. "But some people wouldn't forgive him. Some people made sure that he suffered." She looked right at them, now directing her speech to them. "What was the last thing you said to him, you conniving bitch?" Everyone turned to see who Michelle was looking at. Manny and Ashley were standing near the door. " Huh? What was it? Oh wait, didn't you tell him that everyone would be better off if he had never moved here? Thanks Ashley, thanks a lot. I hope you're happy. Look at the people in this church. You want to talk about ruining lives? You ruined all of theirs. You ruined mine. You ruined Joey's. You ruined poor Angela's. You want to know the last thing I said to him? I told him I loved him. I told him that every day. Because he needed to hear it. He needed to know he was loved. And he was. More than he will ever know. More than anyone will ever know." Michelle stepped down. She started walking at a brisk pace, straight to where Ashley and Manny were standing. She stood in front of Ashley, her vision blurred from the tears.
"I hope this hangs over your head forever."
"Michelle, I'm so-"
Michelle wouldn't hear it. She swung. And when her fist connected with Ashley's face, Michelle didn't feel two of her knuckles fracture. But you can bet Ashley felt her cheek bone crack as she went stumbling backwards. Michelle left it at that. She slowly walked back to her seat as she heard the doors open and close, knowing Manny and Ashley had left. A half hour later, they were outside. For the burial portion. Again, the priest talked. It didn't register with Michelle. She just stood there. Looking down. Knowing Craig was six feet under in a box, and soon the hole would be filled up with dirt. One by one, people left. they left until only Michelle, Angela, Caitlin, and Joey were there standing. The Caitlin took Angela home.
"Michelle. We should go." Joey said.
"No. I can't."
"Michelle, he isn't going anywhere."
"Tell me something I don't know."
"It will stop hurting."
"Go home to your family, Joey."
"I can take you home if you ne-"
"Joey. Go."
He understood. Joey had been the same way when his wife died. He left her. Everyone was gone. Just Michelle, standing at the side of Craig's freshly dug grave.
"They left me too, Craig. People don't only leave you. They leave me. You left me. Why? Why did you leave me? Didn't you think about what it would do to me? How it would tear me down? You make me want to hate you. But I can't. I love you too much."
She kissed her hand and the placed her hand in his engraved name.