Seek and Go Hide
part three
Sunday 4:23pm
Beep.
"Hey Doug. It's Jack - call me when you get a minute. Seeya!"
Monday 6:45 pm
Beep.
Dude? You there? Call me!
Tuesday 8:10pm
Beep.
"Hi Doug - it's me. Call me back when you get this. Don't worry if it's late. I'll be up."
Thursday 7:25pm
Beep.
"Doug- man where are you? I hope you aren't freaking out about the other night. It was nothing. No. Big. Deal. Call me back."
Thursday 7:26pm
Beep.
"I mean it wasn't nothing - I don't want you to think I trivialize what…listen, just call me back."
Thursday 7:27pm
Beep.
"I mean…it was what it was. And if you want to talk about it - that's cool. But if not - I won't bug you. Whatever. It's cool. Bye."
Saturday 10:55am
Beep.
"So apparently my newest hobby is leaving spastic messages on your machine. And yours is not calling me back. I can get more spastic if that's what it's gonna take. Spare yourself the agony and pick up the phone. I'm in the book. Aren't we going sailing?"
Sunday 1:08pm
Beep.
"Hi. This is Jack, Jack McPhee - you might remember me from last week. I'm the guy who thought we were going sailing yesterday…call, you know, me. Jack McPhee."
Wednesday 6:26pm
Beep.
"Hello. This is Sven Archungclopmen and I'm calling today to offer you a wonderful deal on phone service. As you know, all your local calls are free with your current calling plan but I'm calling today to tell you that you can actually make money just by making a local phone call. For example, if you were to call Jack McPhee today, not only would the call be free but we'd also give you two whole dollars. That's 16 bits free for the taking. So call now. Don't let that two dollars slide through your fingers!"
Saturday 11:38am
Beep.
"So I can't decide whether I'm worried or completely pissed by your refusal to call me back. Tell you what, heads I'm worried. Tails, I'm pissed. (Pause) Tails. That settles it. I am totally pissed off! Call me back! God this is so lame! I'm serious Doug!"
Saturday 10:35pm
Beep.
"You are ok right?"
Thursday 9:15pm
Beep.
"So, despite the tails outcome, I find I'm increasingly worried about you. You should call me. But then you should have done that a couple of weeks ago."
Sunday 3:32pm
Beep.
"Hello - this is your friendly neighborhood stalker calling to give my latest stalking report. You still aren't calling me back and even though Capeside is tiny you mange to avoid me in public places as well. Kudos."
Tuesday 6:10pm
Beep.
"So I stopped by the station, conveniently for you, you were out, but the receptionist assured me that you are not dead or even in some sort of phone-usage limiting body cast. What does this mean for you? It means my concern has dried up and blown away. It means, Sheriff Witter, that you are a jackass."
Monday 8:38 am
Beep.
"Dammit Doug."
Sunday 2:20pm
Beep.
"I can't believe I didn't see you at the Icehouse opening. Pacey said you were there but you must have left the minute I got there. What are we - fifteen? The opening was great - too bad you didn't stick around. Pacey made a great toast to you and Gretchen and your mom. You should have been there."
Tuesday 7:51pm
Beep.
"!!!"
Sunday 8:49pm
Beep.
"Hi this is your friendly neighborhood stalker calling. I just wanted to let you know that I'll no longer be stalking you. It's been great. Really a blast. You're an excellent stalk-ee - very evasive and all. I just, I can't do it any more."
Monday 5:59pm
Beep.
"I can't believe you called me when you knew I'd be at work. That's pretty low Doug. I know you've been working through some stuff. And I respect that you need some time. And I'm glad you're talking to someone I just don't know why you won't talk to me. I thought we were friends man."
Tuesday 5:37pm
Beep.
"Yeah - if we're such good friends how come you only call when you know I won't be here? Explain that. Actually don't. I'm sick of this phone tag. It ends tonight."
-----------------
Jack was skulking outside Doug's building, waiting. It was just after 9:00pm and he'd been waiting for, he looked at his watch, a while. Jack was more than a little apprehensive about this hastily concocted plan, but more than anything, he was fed up. So he told his nerves to shut up and enjoy the cool night air.
Jack had called Pacey a couple of hours earlier and convinced him to call Doug and find out what he was doing tonight. Jack had told Pacey a very elaborate lie as to why he needed Pacey to do this and while he guessed Pacey didn't really believe him, he did what Jack asked. As it turned out, Jack hadn't really needed to involve Pacey at all because Doug was sticking to his usual Tuesday night routine of watching 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' on DVD and ordering in Chinese food. Old habits died hard.
Finally thought Jack as he saw the delivery guy approach.
"S'cuse me - that order for Doug Witter?" asked Jack, all innocence and smiles.
"Yeah, Mongolian beef, rice, wonton soup, three fortune cookies. Same as always. Why?"
"Tell you what, how 'bout I pay for that food, tip you very generously and take it off your hands?"
"Again I gotta ask - why?"
"It's a surprise for my buddy up there. Don't sweat it." Jack did his best to assure the delivery guy that it was no big deal.
"Yeah, thing is, I give it to you, you run off with it, I'm the one my boss is going yell at when the sheriff calls wondering what the hell happened to his food."
Jack opened his wallet and pulled out two twenty-dollar bills. Handing them over he said, "I give you my word, he'll get his food."
Somewhat reluctantly, he took the money but then said, "Or you could poison it or whatever." He looked at Jack, clearly expecting him to hand over some more money.
Sighing, Jack fished the last ten dollars out of his wallet and handed it over as well. This was expensive Chinese food! Satisfied, the delivery guy turned to go. Jack stopped him saying, "Can you ring the buzzer for me?"
"Whatever man." He pressed the buzzer for Doug's place, holding it down longer than necessary. Jack smiled, knowing that that drove Doug crazy. "Happy Dragon. Food's here," said the delivery guy when Doug picked up.
"Come on up" fuzzed Doug's familiar voice over the intercom.
Buzzzzz.
Jack opened the door, gave the delivery guy the thumbs up and went inside. For his part the delivery guy just shrugged and pocketed his cash and walked away. He was pretty sure a tip of $34.05 on a delivery of $15.95 was a record for Capeside.
When Jack got to Doug's door he hesitated suddenly unsure of what he was going to say once the door was opened. Well no turning back. Fortune favors the bold and all that. Jack took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
"Come on in," said a voice from deep inside the apartment.
Jack opened the door and hesitantly stepped inside. He didn't see Doug.
"I'm just putting some stuff in the laundry - could you put the food in the kitchen? There's money on the counter. Thanks. I'll be right there."
Jack didn't say anything but went on into the kitchen, noting that the place was spotless and springtime fresh as usual. If Doug was currently depressed or upset about anything, you'd never know it from his place. He set the food down on the counter and when Doug still didn't appear, he started unpacking the food. God. It smells good. Suddenly ravenous, Jack wished he had thought to eat something before he started this little caper. A thought occurred to him and Jack smiled a wicked little smile. Well I did pay for it. He opened the soup, poured over half of it out into a bowl that was conveniently out on the counter and started eating.
He stood there, leaning against the counter, eating Doug's soup and waiting for him to finish whatever was taking so long with the laundry.
"Sorry I took so long, I was in the middle of sorting…" Doug's voice trailed off as he saw Jack, impossibly handsome and confident, standing in his kitchen. And eating his soup no less! He stared and tried to compose himself.
"You…is that my soup?"
As for Jack, he also was also somewhat dumbfounded. He hadn't seen Doug for so long. Tonight, Doug was wearing a pair of sweatpants and one of his faded police academy t-shirts. His hair was slightly mussed. He looks terrific thought Jack. No socks. He even has terrific feet Jack mused, surprised by the breathless feeling that washed over him. He held it together and answered, "Yeah. Sorry. I'm starving."
Jack and Doug stared at each other a moment, neither sure what to do or say.
"There's more soup," said Jack, trying to get rid of some of the tension in the room, "It's really good."
"That's why I ordered it."
"So eat already. I'm not stopping you." And with that, Jack crossed to the dining table and sat down. He acted, for all the world, like he was an invited, welcome, and expected guest. But inside, he was praying that Doug wouldn't see how nervous he was or that the only thought running through his head was "He doesn't want you here."
Doug, for his part, couldn't believe how relaxed and happy Jack seemed. He could at least have the decency to look uneasy, thought Doug as he pulled another bowl down from the cupboard. After all, he was the one who practically broke in here - knowing full well that I didn't want to see him right now. So, if you didn't want to see him, how come you're so glad he's here right now? How come your heart is racing? As he dished up his food, Doug tried to come up with safe topics of conversation. Because glad to see him or not, he was definitely sure he didn't want to talk to Jack about That. Not yet.
"You want something to drink?" asked Doug. "I've got coke, pineapple-orange juice, or water."
"I'll have a coke. Thanks."
"No problem." Doug sat his food down on the table and went back into the kitchen and poured the drinks. When he returned, he still hadn't thought of one safe topic of conversation. He sat down next to Jack and started to eat, giving the now lukewarm Mongolian beef his full attention.
"So you're probably wondering why I hijacked your dinner." Jack sat back in his chair and turned his blue gaze toward Doug.
"Not really."
"Really?"
"Well, you're obviously mentally disturbed. Hijacking my dinner is probably the least of it."
"How well you know me." Jack paused, "I missed you, you know."
They sat in silence. Doug continued to eat his dinner. It was not 100% uncomfortable though both men were edgier than they wanted to admit.
Finally Jack said, "So, how was Buffy?"
"Pretty good actually. Willow is having some real problems..."
"Hey, who's not?"
Doug pushed his plate away and folds his hands, "Jack, I…"
"Look Doug," interrupted Jack leaning in toward Doug, "I just want to know if you're ok."
"I am," answered Doug quietly looking down at his hands.
"Really?"
Doug looked at Jack, his eyes soft and vulnerable. So different from the stern, upright, eternally guarded Sheriff Doug Witter the world was used to. Jack told himself to look away but he couldn't.
"Don't I seem ok?" Doug practically whispered. The air between them was full of electricity. Doug's knees felt week and his head was spinning. He wished he hadn't eaten that Mongolian beef so quickly, he was afraid he was going to throw up. He wanted Jack to come closer. He wanted Jack to go away.
"You seem…fragile," Jack whispered back and before he really even knew what he was doing, Jack leaned in to kiss that wonderful, beautiful mouth that was so close, so tantalizing. Jack couldn't remember wanting anything more.
Suddenly, Doug stood up, grabbed the dishes from the table and said, "You better go Jack."
He turned and went into the kitchen uncharacteristically slamming dishes into the sink. He turned on the tap and began washing them.
"Doug. I…why are you so…angry?"
"I guess I don't like being called a sissy!"
"Sissy? I didn't…" Jack angrily reached over and turned off the water and stood in front of Doug. "This is crazy! What's really bugging you? Is it because I was going to kiss you? Or is it because you were going to let me kiss you?"
There is silence as the two men stare at each other.
"I don't like what you are doing to me!" spat Doug before turning and walking into the living room. "You should go," he said again, gesturing to the door.
Jack ignored the request to leave and said, "What I'm doing to you? What am I doing to you?"
There was a pause and Jack realized he was holding his breath. And then, as soon as he remembered to breathe, he realized what Doug was saying. He could hardly contain himself as he said, "I didn't make you gay Doug!"
"But you make me feel, feel like…"
"Like what?" Jack said angrily.
"Like it's possible…like it's ok!"
"It is ok! "
"No. No it's not, I can't…be like you" said Doug, dropping heavily to the couch.
Jack started pacing around the room. He told himself to calm down. But he didn't listen, instead he said, "What - you can't be happy? Honest? Loved? Alive? What exactly can't you be Doug?"
"Oh - like it's so easy right? Like your life is one big gay pride parade?"
"Since when is anything ever easy? Is it easy being alone every night? Is it easy lying to yourself and your family every single day? Is it easy watching something that could be great - be ripped apart by insecurities and self-loathing? Is it easy talking but not really talking about what's going on? If you think all that is easy - then you have no idea what easy is!"
"What do you mean?" asked Doug sounding honestly confused.
Hearing that tone in Doug's voice did something to Jack. Suddenly Jack wasn't angry. All he wanted was to make Doug realize that the potential was real and that it was valuable. That this wasn't some failure on his part. He sat down at the other end of the couch, making sure that there was plenty of space between them. Then he said, "Easy is having someone's hand to hold. It's having someone to share your dreams with. Easy is knowing that no matter what, you're in it together. Easy is not being afraid."
"This isn't easy."
Jack couldn't help but give a short, bitter laugh, "No. No,it's not."
There was another silence as Doug struggled to sort out his feelings, his thoughts, and his words. Finally he asked, "So what are we Jack? You and I? To each other. What are we?"
"We aren't anything Doug. We just are." Jack sighed before continuing, "And we can't be anything until you can be honest with yourself."
"But there is something between us…isn't there?"
"You tell me," Jack countered and then waited for a response. When there wasn't one he said, "Doug…? You. Tell me."
"I don't know. I think there is something…I feel…but I don't understand it - I don't trust it - I don't… I mean I can't just throw everything away on something…"
"On me you mean?" interjected Jack.
Doug wanted so desperately to make Jack understand but Jack kept pushing him. He kept interrupting him. It made it hard to think. It made it hard to say what he meant.
"Look Jack, you know I have responsibilities, people expect me to…"
"Bullshit. That's bullshit! You're just scared."
Jack stood up and stared down at Doug feeling himself get angry all over again. "And you know what? It's pathetic. You are a grown man! Do you really want to live the rest of your life afraid of what you feel? Afraid of what you are? Of what people say for crying out loud? Is it worth it if it means you'll always be alone? You know what? I can't do this. I can't do it. I'm not going to coax you out of the closet and have you end up hating me because you can't handle who you are. You need to deal with yourself Doug. But guess what? I don't. So stop being afraid - stop feeling anything- I'm outta here. I'm sorry I intruded on your perfect little world. You're safe and I'm gone."
SLAM! The door rattled in the frame from the force of Jack's departure. Doug continued to sit slumped on the couch telling himself that Jack didn't know what he was talking about and that Jack leaving was for the best. So why were his eyes filling with tears? Why did he feel like he had managed to ruin everything? After a minute, Doug rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, clenched his jaw and went into the kitchen to finish the few dishes, well dish, that remained.
The three fortune cookies from his dinner sat on the counter. Out of habit he picked one up and broke it open. It said, Answer just what you heart prompts you. From the laundry room, he heard the buzzer of the washer signaling the completion of the spin cycle. I know how they feel, thought Doug, I've just gone though a spin cycle myself.
Outside, Jack paused in front of the building wishing Doug would follow him but knowing that he wouldn't. I just wanted to see him again thought Jack, wondering how it could have all gone so very wrong. I shouldn't have tried to kiss him. I shouldn't have tried to get him to talk to me about it. I shouldn't have tried… The fact was -- Doug was hopeless. And Jack was hopeless too, because he kept getting involved with hopeless cases like Doug. Who was it that said, thought Jack, that 'hope is the denial of reality'?" All Jack had left now was the reality of the situation.
Slowly Jack walked to his car, got in and headed home. The song on the radio was proof that the universe loved a good punch line. Punch being the operative word. Jack felt like he'd taken a couple of hard ones to the solar plexus. As the song played, Jack let the tears roll down his face, knowing he had to put all this behind him. Somehow.
Your sorry eyes, they cut through bone.
They make it hard to leave you alone.
Leave you here wearin' your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new.
Baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost cause.
There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go.
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy, but nobody cares.
Baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost cause.
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause
There's a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one laughing at your back now
No one's standing at your door
Is that what you thought love was for?
Baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost cause
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause.
-Lost Cause
by Beck
part three
Sunday 4:23pm
Beep.
"Hey Doug. It's Jack - call me when you get a minute. Seeya!"
Monday 6:45 pm
Beep.
Dude? You there? Call me!
Tuesday 8:10pm
Beep.
"Hi Doug - it's me. Call me back when you get this. Don't worry if it's late. I'll be up."
Thursday 7:25pm
Beep.
"Doug- man where are you? I hope you aren't freaking out about the other night. It was nothing. No. Big. Deal. Call me back."
Thursday 7:26pm
Beep.
"I mean it wasn't nothing - I don't want you to think I trivialize what…listen, just call me back."
Thursday 7:27pm
Beep.
"I mean…it was what it was. And if you want to talk about it - that's cool. But if not - I won't bug you. Whatever. It's cool. Bye."
Saturday 10:55am
Beep.
"So apparently my newest hobby is leaving spastic messages on your machine. And yours is not calling me back. I can get more spastic if that's what it's gonna take. Spare yourself the agony and pick up the phone. I'm in the book. Aren't we going sailing?"
Sunday 1:08pm
Beep.
"Hi. This is Jack, Jack McPhee - you might remember me from last week. I'm the guy who thought we were going sailing yesterday…call, you know, me. Jack McPhee."
Wednesday 6:26pm
Beep.
"Hello. This is Sven Archungclopmen and I'm calling today to offer you a wonderful deal on phone service. As you know, all your local calls are free with your current calling plan but I'm calling today to tell you that you can actually make money just by making a local phone call. For example, if you were to call Jack McPhee today, not only would the call be free but we'd also give you two whole dollars. That's 16 bits free for the taking. So call now. Don't let that two dollars slide through your fingers!"
Saturday 11:38am
Beep.
"So I can't decide whether I'm worried or completely pissed by your refusal to call me back. Tell you what, heads I'm worried. Tails, I'm pissed. (Pause) Tails. That settles it. I am totally pissed off! Call me back! God this is so lame! I'm serious Doug!"
Saturday 10:35pm
Beep.
"You are ok right?"
Thursday 9:15pm
Beep.
"So, despite the tails outcome, I find I'm increasingly worried about you. You should call me. But then you should have done that a couple of weeks ago."
Sunday 3:32pm
Beep.
"Hello - this is your friendly neighborhood stalker calling to give my latest stalking report. You still aren't calling me back and even though Capeside is tiny you mange to avoid me in public places as well. Kudos."
Tuesday 6:10pm
Beep.
"So I stopped by the station, conveniently for you, you were out, but the receptionist assured me that you are not dead or even in some sort of phone-usage limiting body cast. What does this mean for you? It means my concern has dried up and blown away. It means, Sheriff Witter, that you are a jackass."
Monday 8:38 am
Beep.
"Dammit Doug."
Sunday 2:20pm
Beep.
"I can't believe I didn't see you at the Icehouse opening. Pacey said you were there but you must have left the minute I got there. What are we - fifteen? The opening was great - too bad you didn't stick around. Pacey made a great toast to you and Gretchen and your mom. You should have been there."
Tuesday 7:51pm
Beep.
"!!!"
Sunday 8:49pm
Beep.
"Hi this is your friendly neighborhood stalker calling. I just wanted to let you know that I'll no longer be stalking you. It's been great. Really a blast. You're an excellent stalk-ee - very evasive and all. I just, I can't do it any more."
Monday 5:59pm
Beep.
"I can't believe you called me when you knew I'd be at work. That's pretty low Doug. I know you've been working through some stuff. And I respect that you need some time. And I'm glad you're talking to someone I just don't know why you won't talk to me. I thought we were friends man."
Tuesday 5:37pm
Beep.
"Yeah - if we're such good friends how come you only call when you know I won't be here? Explain that. Actually don't. I'm sick of this phone tag. It ends tonight."
-----------------
Jack was skulking outside Doug's building, waiting. It was just after 9:00pm and he'd been waiting for, he looked at his watch, a while. Jack was more than a little apprehensive about this hastily concocted plan, but more than anything, he was fed up. So he told his nerves to shut up and enjoy the cool night air.
Jack had called Pacey a couple of hours earlier and convinced him to call Doug and find out what he was doing tonight. Jack had told Pacey a very elaborate lie as to why he needed Pacey to do this and while he guessed Pacey didn't really believe him, he did what Jack asked. As it turned out, Jack hadn't really needed to involve Pacey at all because Doug was sticking to his usual Tuesday night routine of watching 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' on DVD and ordering in Chinese food. Old habits died hard.
Finally thought Jack as he saw the delivery guy approach.
"S'cuse me - that order for Doug Witter?" asked Jack, all innocence and smiles.
"Yeah, Mongolian beef, rice, wonton soup, three fortune cookies. Same as always. Why?"
"Tell you what, how 'bout I pay for that food, tip you very generously and take it off your hands?"
"Again I gotta ask - why?"
"It's a surprise for my buddy up there. Don't sweat it." Jack did his best to assure the delivery guy that it was no big deal.
"Yeah, thing is, I give it to you, you run off with it, I'm the one my boss is going yell at when the sheriff calls wondering what the hell happened to his food."
Jack opened his wallet and pulled out two twenty-dollar bills. Handing them over he said, "I give you my word, he'll get his food."
Somewhat reluctantly, he took the money but then said, "Or you could poison it or whatever." He looked at Jack, clearly expecting him to hand over some more money.
Sighing, Jack fished the last ten dollars out of his wallet and handed it over as well. This was expensive Chinese food! Satisfied, the delivery guy turned to go. Jack stopped him saying, "Can you ring the buzzer for me?"
"Whatever man." He pressed the buzzer for Doug's place, holding it down longer than necessary. Jack smiled, knowing that that drove Doug crazy. "Happy Dragon. Food's here," said the delivery guy when Doug picked up.
"Come on up" fuzzed Doug's familiar voice over the intercom.
Buzzzzz.
Jack opened the door, gave the delivery guy the thumbs up and went inside. For his part the delivery guy just shrugged and pocketed his cash and walked away. He was pretty sure a tip of $34.05 on a delivery of $15.95 was a record for Capeside.
When Jack got to Doug's door he hesitated suddenly unsure of what he was going to say once the door was opened. Well no turning back. Fortune favors the bold and all that. Jack took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
"Come on in," said a voice from deep inside the apartment.
Jack opened the door and hesitantly stepped inside. He didn't see Doug.
"I'm just putting some stuff in the laundry - could you put the food in the kitchen? There's money on the counter. Thanks. I'll be right there."
Jack didn't say anything but went on into the kitchen, noting that the place was spotless and springtime fresh as usual. If Doug was currently depressed or upset about anything, you'd never know it from his place. He set the food down on the counter and when Doug still didn't appear, he started unpacking the food. God. It smells good. Suddenly ravenous, Jack wished he had thought to eat something before he started this little caper. A thought occurred to him and Jack smiled a wicked little smile. Well I did pay for it. He opened the soup, poured over half of it out into a bowl that was conveniently out on the counter and started eating.
He stood there, leaning against the counter, eating Doug's soup and waiting for him to finish whatever was taking so long with the laundry.
"Sorry I took so long, I was in the middle of sorting…" Doug's voice trailed off as he saw Jack, impossibly handsome and confident, standing in his kitchen. And eating his soup no less! He stared and tried to compose himself.
"You…is that my soup?"
As for Jack, he also was also somewhat dumbfounded. He hadn't seen Doug for so long. Tonight, Doug was wearing a pair of sweatpants and one of his faded police academy t-shirts. His hair was slightly mussed. He looks terrific thought Jack. No socks. He even has terrific feet Jack mused, surprised by the breathless feeling that washed over him. He held it together and answered, "Yeah. Sorry. I'm starving."
Jack and Doug stared at each other a moment, neither sure what to do or say.
"There's more soup," said Jack, trying to get rid of some of the tension in the room, "It's really good."
"That's why I ordered it."
"So eat already. I'm not stopping you." And with that, Jack crossed to the dining table and sat down. He acted, for all the world, like he was an invited, welcome, and expected guest. But inside, he was praying that Doug wouldn't see how nervous he was or that the only thought running through his head was "He doesn't want you here."
Doug, for his part, couldn't believe how relaxed and happy Jack seemed. He could at least have the decency to look uneasy, thought Doug as he pulled another bowl down from the cupboard. After all, he was the one who practically broke in here - knowing full well that I didn't want to see him right now. So, if you didn't want to see him, how come you're so glad he's here right now? How come your heart is racing? As he dished up his food, Doug tried to come up with safe topics of conversation. Because glad to see him or not, he was definitely sure he didn't want to talk to Jack about That. Not yet.
"You want something to drink?" asked Doug. "I've got coke, pineapple-orange juice, or water."
"I'll have a coke. Thanks."
"No problem." Doug sat his food down on the table and went back into the kitchen and poured the drinks. When he returned, he still hadn't thought of one safe topic of conversation. He sat down next to Jack and started to eat, giving the now lukewarm Mongolian beef his full attention.
"So you're probably wondering why I hijacked your dinner." Jack sat back in his chair and turned his blue gaze toward Doug.
"Not really."
"Really?"
"Well, you're obviously mentally disturbed. Hijacking my dinner is probably the least of it."
"How well you know me." Jack paused, "I missed you, you know."
They sat in silence. Doug continued to eat his dinner. It was not 100% uncomfortable though both men were edgier than they wanted to admit.
Finally Jack said, "So, how was Buffy?"
"Pretty good actually. Willow is having some real problems..."
"Hey, who's not?"
Doug pushed his plate away and folds his hands, "Jack, I…"
"Look Doug," interrupted Jack leaning in toward Doug, "I just want to know if you're ok."
"I am," answered Doug quietly looking down at his hands.
"Really?"
Doug looked at Jack, his eyes soft and vulnerable. So different from the stern, upright, eternally guarded Sheriff Doug Witter the world was used to. Jack told himself to look away but he couldn't.
"Don't I seem ok?" Doug practically whispered. The air between them was full of electricity. Doug's knees felt week and his head was spinning. He wished he hadn't eaten that Mongolian beef so quickly, he was afraid he was going to throw up. He wanted Jack to come closer. He wanted Jack to go away.
"You seem…fragile," Jack whispered back and before he really even knew what he was doing, Jack leaned in to kiss that wonderful, beautiful mouth that was so close, so tantalizing. Jack couldn't remember wanting anything more.
Suddenly, Doug stood up, grabbed the dishes from the table and said, "You better go Jack."
He turned and went into the kitchen uncharacteristically slamming dishes into the sink. He turned on the tap and began washing them.
"Doug. I…why are you so…angry?"
"I guess I don't like being called a sissy!"
"Sissy? I didn't…" Jack angrily reached over and turned off the water and stood in front of Doug. "This is crazy! What's really bugging you? Is it because I was going to kiss you? Or is it because you were going to let me kiss you?"
There is silence as the two men stare at each other.
"I don't like what you are doing to me!" spat Doug before turning and walking into the living room. "You should go," he said again, gesturing to the door.
Jack ignored the request to leave and said, "What I'm doing to you? What am I doing to you?"
There was a pause and Jack realized he was holding his breath. And then, as soon as he remembered to breathe, he realized what Doug was saying. He could hardly contain himself as he said, "I didn't make you gay Doug!"
"But you make me feel, feel like…"
"Like what?" Jack said angrily.
"Like it's possible…like it's ok!"
"It is ok! "
"No. No it's not, I can't…be like you" said Doug, dropping heavily to the couch.
Jack started pacing around the room. He told himself to calm down. But he didn't listen, instead he said, "What - you can't be happy? Honest? Loved? Alive? What exactly can't you be Doug?"
"Oh - like it's so easy right? Like your life is one big gay pride parade?"
"Since when is anything ever easy? Is it easy being alone every night? Is it easy lying to yourself and your family every single day? Is it easy watching something that could be great - be ripped apart by insecurities and self-loathing? Is it easy talking but not really talking about what's going on? If you think all that is easy - then you have no idea what easy is!"
"What do you mean?" asked Doug sounding honestly confused.
Hearing that tone in Doug's voice did something to Jack. Suddenly Jack wasn't angry. All he wanted was to make Doug realize that the potential was real and that it was valuable. That this wasn't some failure on his part. He sat down at the other end of the couch, making sure that there was plenty of space between them. Then he said, "Easy is having someone's hand to hold. It's having someone to share your dreams with. Easy is knowing that no matter what, you're in it together. Easy is not being afraid."
"This isn't easy."
Jack couldn't help but give a short, bitter laugh, "No. No,it's not."
There was another silence as Doug struggled to sort out his feelings, his thoughts, and his words. Finally he asked, "So what are we Jack? You and I? To each other. What are we?"
"We aren't anything Doug. We just are." Jack sighed before continuing, "And we can't be anything until you can be honest with yourself."
"But there is something between us…isn't there?"
"You tell me," Jack countered and then waited for a response. When there wasn't one he said, "Doug…? You. Tell me."
"I don't know. I think there is something…I feel…but I don't understand it - I don't trust it - I don't… I mean I can't just throw everything away on something…"
"On me you mean?" interjected Jack.
Doug wanted so desperately to make Jack understand but Jack kept pushing him. He kept interrupting him. It made it hard to think. It made it hard to say what he meant.
"Look Jack, you know I have responsibilities, people expect me to…"
"Bullshit. That's bullshit! You're just scared."
Jack stood up and stared down at Doug feeling himself get angry all over again. "And you know what? It's pathetic. You are a grown man! Do you really want to live the rest of your life afraid of what you feel? Afraid of what you are? Of what people say for crying out loud? Is it worth it if it means you'll always be alone? You know what? I can't do this. I can't do it. I'm not going to coax you out of the closet and have you end up hating me because you can't handle who you are. You need to deal with yourself Doug. But guess what? I don't. So stop being afraid - stop feeling anything- I'm outta here. I'm sorry I intruded on your perfect little world. You're safe and I'm gone."
SLAM! The door rattled in the frame from the force of Jack's departure. Doug continued to sit slumped on the couch telling himself that Jack didn't know what he was talking about and that Jack leaving was for the best. So why were his eyes filling with tears? Why did he feel like he had managed to ruin everything? After a minute, Doug rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, clenched his jaw and went into the kitchen to finish the few dishes, well dish, that remained.
The three fortune cookies from his dinner sat on the counter. Out of habit he picked one up and broke it open. It said, Answer just what you heart prompts you. From the laundry room, he heard the buzzer of the washer signaling the completion of the spin cycle. I know how they feel, thought Doug, I've just gone though a spin cycle myself.
Outside, Jack paused in front of the building wishing Doug would follow him but knowing that he wouldn't. I just wanted to see him again thought Jack, wondering how it could have all gone so very wrong. I shouldn't have tried to kiss him. I shouldn't have tried to get him to talk to me about it. I shouldn't have tried… The fact was -- Doug was hopeless. And Jack was hopeless too, because he kept getting involved with hopeless cases like Doug. Who was it that said, thought Jack, that 'hope is the denial of reality'?" All Jack had left now was the reality of the situation.
Slowly Jack walked to his car, got in and headed home. The song on the radio was proof that the universe loved a good punch line. Punch being the operative word. Jack felt like he'd taken a couple of hard ones to the solar plexus. As the song played, Jack let the tears roll down his face, knowing he had to put all this behind him. Somehow.
Your sorry eyes, they cut through bone.
They make it hard to leave you alone.
Leave you here wearin' your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new.
Baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost cause.
There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go.
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy, but nobody cares.
Baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost cause.
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause
There's a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one laughing at your back now
No one's standing at your door
Is that what you thought love was for?
Baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost cause
I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause.
-Lost Cause
by Beck
end part three